Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Quotes

" Oh yeah. I'm cool. Nothing wrong here. It's only allergy season. Just like every February and May in the Buffyverse."

—Sep, Television Without Pity

"I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good."

—Xander

"Let me be sure I have this right - this witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells... so that she can become a cheerleader?"

—Giles

"The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little."

—Miss Calender

"I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway?

—Willow

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses
And what's with all the carrots?

What do they need such good eyesight for anyway~? ?
—Anya

"Yes, I must consult my books."

(to Willow) "OH! 8 minutes and 33 seconds. Pay up! I called 10 minutes before you'd 'consult your books' about something."

—Giles and Xander

(reads ransom note) "Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal."

"They're gonna cook her dinner?! (Beat) ...I'll pretend I didn't say that."—Buffy and Xander

(to Buffy) "So Angel has decided to step up his harassment of you."

"By sneaking in her room and leaving stuff at night? Why doesn't he just slit her throat or strangle her while she's sleeping or cut her heart out? (off everyone's looks) What, I'm trying to help."—Giles and Cordelia

"I don't see why everyone picks on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed..."

"I think you mean oppressed."
—Cordelia and Xander

"You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you."

—Buffy

"Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true; the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day! No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."

—Giles on life.

"'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. --As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross."
"Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty.

"Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice."
—Cordelia and Xander

"Goody! Research party!"

"Will, you need a life in the worst way." —Willow and Xander

"Yes, let's not jump to conclusions."

"I didn't jump. I took a tiny step and there conclusions were."—Giles and Buffy

"I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?"

—Willow

"Well, I sort of test well, you know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs."

—Oz

Kendra: I study because it is required. The Slayer handbook insists on it.
Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...
Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha-what's wrong with my case??

"I'd rather be worm food than look at your pathetic face!"
"Then go! I'm not stopping ya."
"I bet you wouldn't! I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!"
"Not just any girl. You're special.
"I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here WITH YOU!"
"I hope these are my last few moments! Three more seconds with you, and I'm gonna..."
(gets in his face) "'I'm gonna' what? Coward!"
"Moron!"
"I hate you!
"I HATE YOU!"
(they start kissing each other madly)

"We so need to get outta here."—Cordelia and Xander

"I'm not really a computer person, you know. Or a work of any kind person."
"They why'd they select you?"
"Oh, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs."
"Well, don't you have some ambition?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah! E-flat, diminished ninth." "Huh?" "Well, the E-flat, it's, it's doable, but that diminished ninth, y'know, it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger."

Oz and Willow

"There are no dead students here. This week."

—Principal Snyder

"I don't take orders. I do things my way."

"No wonder you died."—Buffy and Kendra

"Oh! I know this one: 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices. Blah blah bitty blah. I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.'"

"It's as if you know me."
—Buffy and Giles

"I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house and start making these stupid little mini-pizzas. Now I like a mini-pizza, but I'm telling you..."

"Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text."
—Buffy and Giles

Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer -- shouldn't she have...
Xander: What, a license to kill?
Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Willow: Sure, in a fascist society.
Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?"

"I'm going to kill them all. That ought to distract them."

—Buffy

"You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead American?"

—Buffy

"I can walk like a man but I'm not one."

—Angel

"When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie."

—Buffy

"Angel is a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, and one being someone who's not."

—Willow

"What a day. Gimme a beer."
[deadpan] "ID."
[Anya glares at him]
[deadpan] "ID."
"I'M ELEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY YEARS OLD, just gimme a frickin' beer!"
[deadpan] "ID."

[sighs] "Gimme a Coke."

—Anya and a bartender

"Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person."

—Xander

"Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved."

—Giles

"Have I ever let you down?"

"Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?"—Buffy and Giles

"'Dear Buffy...' Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards."
"Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
"Lacks... poetry."

"Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?"—Angelus and Spike

"We're out of Wheat-a-Bix."
"We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again."
"Get some more."
"I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood."
"Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture."

"Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself."—Spike and Giles

"And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid."

—Xander

"I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
"Then why are you talking to me?"

"I don't have a date for the prom."—Anya and Xander

"Grave robbery? That's new. Interesting."
"I know you meant to say gross and disturbing."

"Yes, yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it."—Giles and Buffy

"Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?"

—Cordelia

"I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before."

"Maybe it's a vampire bat? [beat] I'm low on that one, huh?"
—Giles and Xander

"A bear! You MADE A BEAR!"
"I didn't mean to!"

"UNDO IT! UNDO IT!"—Spike and Buffy

"You failed me.

"Let's not quibble about who failed who."—Adam and Spike

"I have no interest in you. Leave us."

"No, we're not going to [imitates Dracula's accent] leave you. And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? Von, too, thee - thee victims! Ah ah ah!"—Dracula and Xander

"What are you doing here, Spike? Five words or less!"

"Out. For. A. Walk. [beat] Bitch."—Buffy and Spike

"Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?"
"We few, we happy few."

"We band of buggered."—Spike and Giles

"Examine my chip, or else Mister... [examines label] Fett here is the first to die."

"Hey, all right, let's not, let's not do anything crazy here."—Spike and Jonathan

"I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug!"

—Spike