Doctor Who/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


TV series

Classic Series

First Doctor

  • The Doctor gets a good one in as he irritably explains the TARDIS interior to Steven.

That is the dematerializing control. And that, over yonder, is the horizontal hold. Up there is the scanner, those are the doors, that is a chair with a panda on it. Sheer poetry, dear boy. Now please stop bothering me.

    • Much of First's "fluffing"[1] would qualify:

Barbara: Is it frozen?
First Doctor: No, impossible at this temperature. Besides, it's too warm.

    • From the lost story, "The Daleks' Masterplan": "The Daleks will stop at anything to get it back!"
    • In The Space Museum, when the Doctor gave us this gem: "It's just a matter of adding two and two together to make three!"
    • In The Daleks, when the Doctor refuses to turn the power back on in the Dalek city, the desperate Dalek gives a hilariously pitiful sob as it turns its eye-stalk up in a manner that resembles a toddler throwing a tantrum. It remains in that position as it shuts down.
  • In The Time Meddler, the Doctor presents Steven with a viking helmet, the following ensues:

First Doctor: Here you are young man, what do you think of that now, eh? A viking helmet.
Steven: (Skeptical) Well... Maybe.
First Doctor: (Annoyed) What do you mean, "maybe"? What do you think it is? A space helmet for a cow?!

Vicki: Oh, something else I forgot to tell you. I think I've poisoned Nero.
Doctor: Hmm, really. [[[Beat]]] WHAT?

    • The way One's expression snaps from "Oh, that's nice, my dear" to "You have GOT to be freakin' kidding me" is priceless.
      • Heck pretty much all of this episode counts. However the scene of Nero chasing Barbara around, while giggling like a little kid, had this troper cracking up.


Second Doctor

  • From The Macra Terror:

Ben: They got that bloke all over the place like a blinking politician.
Pete: He is our controller. We are always pleased to see him. He brings us encouragement.
Ben: Oh, he's not a politician then!

  • From The Tomb of the Cybermen:

The Doctor: Don't you see what this is going to all mean to those who come to serve "Klieg the all powerful"? Why, no country, no person would dare to have a single thought that was not your own! Eric Klieg's own conception of the... of the way of life!
Klieg: Brilliant! Yes... yes you're right. Master of the world!
The Doctor: And now I know you're mad, I just wanted to make sure.

    • The best part about that insult is how Patrick Troughton somehow manages to make it smug and completely deadpan at the same time.
    • The Doctor and Jamie both try to take Victoria's hand and walk away. They end up taking each other's hands by mistake, and it takes them a second to figure this out.
  • This exchange from The Abominable Snowmen:

Jamie: Have you thought up some clever plan, Doctor?
Second Doctor: Yes, Jamie, I believe I have.
Jamie: What are you going to do?
Second Doctor: Bung a rock at it.

Doctor: (with the absolute hammiest expression you've ever seen) The clever ones tell us what to do, you see!

Rapunzel: Are you a prince?
The Doctor: No. No, I'm afraid not. Would you mind if I used your hair to get down there?
Rapunzel: No, of course not. Everyone else uses it, so I don't see why you shouldn't.

  • The Second Doctor pretending to be a prison inspector in "The War Games".


Third Doctor

Doctor: Well, I'll tell you something that should be of vital interest to you.
Professor: What?
Doctor: That you, sir, are a nitwit!

    • At the end of the same episode after the Doctor storms off in his TARDIS after an argument with the Brigadier:

Liz: Now see what you've done!
Brig: Well, I didn't know he'd go off like that; the man's so infernally touchy.

      • Then he returns soon after, embarrassed having materialised a few hundred feet away. In a rubbish dump.
  • The Doctor's manic waving to the security cameras in The Mind Of Evil.
  • This Brig quote from Colony In Space when the Doctor and Jo run off in the TARDIS.

Brigadier: Doctor, come back at once.

  • The Curse of Peladon:

Doctor: Is someone in trouble?
(Grun nods frantically.)
Doctor: Well who, Grun?
(Grun holds a hand down at a low level to indicate a small person.)
Doctor: Not [Jo]?!

  • The Third Doctor taking time out from his swordfight with the Master to steal the other's sandwich in The Sea Devils.
  • The Time Monster has one courtesy of The Brig. When the Doctor makes his homemade Time Flow Analogue, everybody (except Jo) thinks it's useless.

Doctor: Oh, dear.
Jo: What's wrong?
Doctor: Well, it doesn't work.
Brigadier (in perfect deadpan): You astound me.

  • "The Three Doctors" remains the best multi-Doctor serial due solely to the Second and Third Doctors having one of these in nearly their every single interaction. The Crowning Moment, however, is the Second's evaluation of the new TARDIS interior.

The Second Doctor: Ah, I see you've been doing the TARDIS up a bit! I don't like it...

    • Another gem is the Third and Second Doctor trying to explain to Jo what's going on.

Third Doctor: He's not so much one of them as one of us. One of me, to be precise.
Second Doctor: Ohh no, no, no! I'm sorry, my dear. I hate to be contrary, but he seems to be confused, poor chap, and I do feel you should have the correct explanation. (to the Third Doctor) You don't mind, do you?
Third Doctor: Yes.
Second Doctor: I didn't think you would! (Ignores him and talks to Jo.) You see, Jo - I may call you Jo, mayn't I? - You see... he is one of me.
Jo: Oh, I see! You're both Time Lords!

Second Doctor: Quite! Well... not quite.

      • Followed by the Third Doctor cutting to the point:

Third Doctor: It's really very simple, Jo. I am he, and he is me.
Jo: And we are all together, goo-goo-ga-choo?

        • Then she explains that it's a song by The Beatles and the Second Doctor picks up his recorder and asks her how it goes.
    • Sergeant Benton steps inside the TARDIS for the first time:

Doctor: Well, Sergeant? Aren't you going to say that it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside?
Benton: ... It's ... pretty obvious, isn't it?

    • At the beginning, the Third Doctor is analysing the evidence of the unusual anti-matter activity and urgently requests that a particular piece of equipment be handed to him. It's quickly passed down a chain from the Brigadier, to Jo, to the scientist who's brought UNIT the problem, to the Doctor... who promptly uses it to stir his tea.
  • The entire bit in The Green Death where the Doctor has to disguise himself to get into the offices, first as an incredibly boring milkman, then as a cleaning lady. Mike Yates' reaction to his disguise is the best part.

Doctor (in an old-lady voice): "Don't you say one word."
Mike: "...I like your handbag."

    • On the DVD, there's a special feature called Global Conspiracy! which is a mockumentary about the goings on in Llanfairfach in the 1970s. The funniest bit was when the host goes to Global Chemicals, and something like this happens:

Host: I'd like to speak to the boss.
Brainwashed Guard: Only Mr. Stevens may speak to the BOSS.
Host: May I speak to Mr. Stevens?
Guard: No. You must be destroyed.

  • Sarah Jane in The Time Warrior:

Maid: Women do housework. Men don't. That's the way it works.
Sarah Jane: (appalled) You people are living in the Middle Ages!

    • It's funny because the story is set in the Middle Ages.
    • Also everything involving Irongron. Think Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham. Only 10 times crazier, 1000 time louder and with a deadpan alien straightman to play off of.
  • Two in Invasion of the Dinosaurs:
    • The Doctor and Sarah posing for their mug shots.
    • Sarah and the Brig asking the Doctor what he's doing after he already explained his stun gun to Yates. He doesn't like it.


Fourth Doctor

  • Everything Tom Baker does. Anything Tom Baker does. Hell, Tom Baker.
  • Genesis of the Daleks:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I'm a spy!" [grins and bashes guards' heads together]

  • There's a special feature in the Pyramids of Mars DVD called Oh, Mummy!, which is a mockumentary about Sutekh's career after being on Doctor Who.
    • Sutekh being a milkman:

Sutekh: I bring Sutekh's gift of milk unto every human.

    • Sutekh having his mask cleaned by a woman:

Sutekh: You missed a spot. *kills woman*

    • Sutekh and ants:

Sutekh: You are ants compared to Sutekh, you... ants. *fires laser at ground*

    • Sutekh's pet rabbit:

Sutekh: His name is Neil! Neil! Neil before the might of Sutekh.

    • "Everywhere I walk I bring darkness!" (Lights go out, followed by a big crash)
    • Sukteh and a BBC producer testing his suitability for the role by burning stacks of things and keeping the flames back using only his mind:

Sutekh: But, we later found out we burned something called "Fury from the Deep." *Sutekh stands next to a burning pile of film reels*

    • And the very end, where Sutekh gets up and walks away to reveal the hand of a stage hand behind him.
  • In "The Hand of Fear", Sarah's reaction to realising that the street she's been dropped off in is not Hillview Road, and probably isn't even South Croydon.
    • It isn't. It's Aberdeen, Scotland.
  • And, of course, the wonderful The Face of Evil:

Doctor: Now drop your weapons, or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly baby.
Pissed-off Tribal: Kill him then.
Doctor: What.

Pissed-off Tribal: Kill him then.

Doctor: I don't take orders from anyone. *noms jelly baby* Take me to your leader.

  • Almost everything Jago says to the Doctor or Litefoot in Talons of Weng-Chiang.
    • Leela calling Magnus Greel 'bent face'.
  • Horror of Fang Rock has a few:

Leela: You will do as the Doctor instructs or I will cut out your heart!

    • As well as one of my all time favourite Fourth Doctor moments, with the inexplicably happy and excited delivery of this line:

Doctor: Gentlemen, I have news! This lighthouse is under attack, and by morning we might all be dead!

    • Anyone familiar with the character should burst out laughing at the sight of Leela in that pretty dress and sunhat at the beginning of the serial.
  • From "The Invisible Enemy":

Leela: Doctor, I've worked out how to stop them!
Fourth Doctor: How?
Leela: Knife them in the neck!

  • The Doctor spends "The Invasion of Time" pretending to be Drunk with Power, which he naturally channels through jelly babies at one point. He won't even move to take them out of his own pocket and makes the Castellan do it instead.

Castellan: What color would you prefer, sir?
The Doctor: ORANGE.
[pause as the Castellan pokes anxiously through the bag]
Castellan: ...There doesn't appear to be an orange one --
[the Doctor slams it out of his hand]
The Doctor: One grows tired of jelly babies, castellan.

    • Also, Leela hanging out with Rodan, the Time Lady who's overqualified for her job.

Rodan: I do find astrophysics a bore, I must say, but then one must fight them on their own terms, don't you think?
Leela: [imitating her] Oh one must, one must, yes.

  • Romana's introduction in The Ribos Operation:

Romana: My name is Romanadvoratrelundar.
Doctor: Well I'm so sorry about that, is there anything we can do?

    • It doesn't end there, either:

Doctor: I'll call you Romana.
Romana: I don't like Romana.
Doctor: It's either Romana or Fred!
Romana: Alright, call me Fred.
Doctor: Right. Come on Romana!

    • And don't forget about this:

Romana: I may be inexperienced, but I did graduate from the academy with a triple first.
Doctor: I suppose you think we should be impressed by that too.
Romana: Well, it's better than scraping through with 51% the second attempt.
Doctor: That information is confidential!

  • The Pirate Planet:

Captain: All guards on alert! Someone is using a counterjamming frequency projector! Find it and destroy it immediately!

Fibuli: Captain, do you suppose any of the guards know what a counterjamming frequency projector looks like?

Beat

Captain: Destroy everything!

    • Later:

(The Doctor and Romana, in pursuit by two guards, have just arrived at the end of a particle-accelerating tunnel with an inertia neutraliser which brings their occupants to a halt at the end so they can exit safely)
Doctor: Wait a minute. The inertia neutraliser. You know, I think the conservation of momentum is a very important law in physics, don't you?
Romana: Yes.
Doctor: I don't think anyone should tamper with it, do you?
Romana: No.
(The Doctor pulls out a control unit, moves a wire and puts it back. When their pursuers reach the end of the corridor, rather than stopping, they are flung out and crash into a wall)
Doctor: Newton's revenge.

    • The scene where the Captain puts out an order for the Doctor's capture, only to have to the Doctor enter the bridge. In the same take.
  • Pretty much the entirety of the Doctor's trial in The Stones of Blood.
    • To clarify, the Doctor is being tried by two sentient sparkles. And he begins by putting on a wool-knit judge's wig that he pulls out of his coat. Which he wears for the rest of the episode.
    • Also from Stones: the Doctor asks "Anyone for tennis?" when the TARDIS arrives. Romana expresses confusion and K-9 starts rattling off a lot about tennis.

Romana: Oh, forget it.
K-9: Forget. Eraaaase memory banks concerning tennis. *ears swivel back and forth* Memory erased.

  • The Doctor when he is tempted by the power of the Key to Time, a device that makes its bearer all-powerful, in The Armageddon Factor.
  • Tom Baker's epic Lampshading of the BBC Quarry in Destiny of the Daleks simply must be mentioned. "Oh, look! ROCKS!"
  • "City of Death".

Countess Scarlioni: My dear, I don't think he's as stupid as he seems.
Count Scarlioni: My dear, nobody could be as stupid as he seems.
Doctor: Hello there!

    • And John Cleese and Eleanor Bron still have the funniest joke in the episode.
    • "I say, what a wonderful butler, he's so violent!"
    • Duggan's persistent "methodology":

Romana: How do you suggest we get out?
Duggan: See that window? *CRASH*

Doctor: That's very odd...

    • From the same story:

Sardor: Can you make it work?
Doctor: (ignoring him) Have you noticed how people’s intellectual curiosity declines sharply the moment they start waving guns about?
Sardor: Can you make it work!
Doctor: YES! Oh yes. I can make it work. The question is can we generate power soon enough to take the ship to escape velocity before we fall into a black hole over the event horizon?
Sardor: The what?
Doctor: Shh-shh. You just hold the gun steady. Don’t tax your mind.

    • Also, Soldeed's EVERY LINE! (You meddlesome hussy!! MY DREAMS OF CON-QUEST!!)
    • And who can forget:

Doctor: Ooh, my gravitic anomalyzer!

    • Regarding Soldeed:

Seth: He lives in the power complex.
Romana: That fits.

  • In "Warriors' Gate" the Doctor is attacked by a robot knight that slices through the ax he's holding, leaving him only holding the useless end of the handle. The episode cuts to a sequence with Romana and Adric, and by the time we get back to the Doctor he's holding a whole armful of broken ax handles.
    • In the same story, anything involving the malfunctioning K9, especially when he's paired with Adric. It's a shame they didn't get more time together.

Adric: You mean you're worse than useless?
K9: Affirmative.
Adric: *sigh*

  • Near the end of Logopolis, when the Doctor and the Master are being pursued by the Pharos Project guards. Adric and Nyssa, having heard that the giant dish they're trying to reach is used for attempted contact with aliens, come up with the following diversion (although it's very blink-and-you-miss-it since it happens in the background):

Adric: Nyssa and I have heard your message from across the universe and have come to answer your call!
Guard: Message? What? Now, who are you?
Nyssa: We're the alien beings!

    • And he does it again at the beginning of Castrovalva.


Fifth Doctor

  • From the Fifth Doctor story Castrovalva we have the Fifth Doctor running up to a group of washer women and asking them the way out.

Washer Women: *All point in different directions*
Fifth Doctor: Yes, well, that's democracy for you.

  • The Doctor and Adric's coin game in the serial Kinda. Not only funny, but the Doctor is just plain adorable while repeatedly being pwned by Adric.
  • One of the cast commentaries for The Five Doctors qualifies. Carol Ann Ford (Susan), Nicholas Courtney (The Brigadier), Lis Sladen (Sarah Jane Smith), and Mark Strickson (Turlough) toss out some good lines, but when they get near the infamous part where the Castellan gets dragged away, they all suddenly go real quiet. Then the moment comes, and they all chorus, "NO, NOT THE MIND PROBE!"
    • It's more in the delivery than anything but this exchange from The Five Doctors:

Brigadier: Where are we going?
2nd Doctor: To the Tower. To Rassilon, the greatest single figure in Time Lord history.
Brigadier: Is that where he lives?
2nd Doctor: Not exactly, Brigadier. It's his tomb.

    • Another Second Doctor and the Brigadier moment:

Second Doctor: Have faith, Brigadier. Have I ever led you astray?
Brigadier: [Sourly] On several occasions.
Second Doctor: Yes, well... this will be an exception.

  • In Frontios, the Doctor has to pass Tegan off as an android.

The Doctor: I got this one cheap because the walk's not quite right. And then there's the accent...
Tegan: (silently stares daggers at him)

  • Peri pulls off two of these in her debut story, Planet of Fire:

The Master: You will obey me.
Peri: No!
The Master: I am the Master!
Peri: So what? I'm Perpugilliam Brown and I can shout just as loud as you can!

And, later on:

Peri: Oh, I've seen everything today. A transgalactic payphone, my stepfather who turns into a robot, and... a robot who turns into a |gangster!


Sixth Doctor

  • From "The Mysterious Planet":

Glitz: Do I look like a philanthropist to you?
Dibber: What's that?
Glitz: Someone who gives up everything they own out of the goodness of their heart.
Dibber: Oh, you mean they're stupid? Then you probably do look like one.


Seventh Doctor

  • The Doctor foiling the Rani's plan in Time and the Rani by inducing multiple schizophrenia in the Master Brain with his gibberish proverbs is truly inspired:

Voice 1: It is a fundamental postulate that all motion is relative.
Doctor: You wouldn't say that if you met my uncle.
Voice 2: Dismissing our position as decadent heresy is the refuge of the reactionary.
Doctor: Ah, well. Every dogma has it's day.
Rani: I'LL KILL HIM!

The Doctor: You killed it!
Ace: I aimed for the eyepiece.

    • Later, Ace explains the war between the Renegade and Imperial Dalek factions:

Ace: Simple, isn't it? Renegade Daleks are blobs. (The Doctor: Blobs?) Imperial Daleks are bionic blobs with bits added. And you can tell that Daleks are into racial purity. So one lot of Daleks reckon that the other lot are too different -- well, they're mutants. Not pure in their blobbyness.
The Doctor: Result?
Ace: They hate each other's chromosomes. War to the death.

    • The bit where the Doctor utterly deflates Davros' hammy rant:

Davros: We shall become all-
The Doctor: -Powerful! Crush the lesser races! Conquer the galaxy! Unimaginable Power! UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING! Etcetera! Etcetera!

    • The Doctor never gets lost. Yeah, right.

MIKE: "I found him wandering the streets." DOCTOR: "I was not wandering the streets. I was merely contemplating certain local cartographic anomalies."

  • In Silver Nemesis:

Seven: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any nitro nine, have you?
Ace: What if I had?
Seven: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not! I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.

Seven: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.

Ace: *delighted grin*

    • And shortly thereafter, when it comes time to distract the men guarding the ship:

Seven: Hello, I'm the Doctor! I believe you want to kill me!

  • In Battlefield, Brigadier Bambera is driving into an ambush, with Ancelyn, a warrior from another world, in the passenger seat.

Bambera: You're from another dimension?
Ancelyn: Yes.
Bambera: Good. You don't have cars there?
Ancelyn: No.
Bambera: Good. Hold onto this wheel.

  • Bambera stands up through the sunroof and shoots her way through the ambush with an assault rifle.*

Bambera: [sits back in her seat] So. You married or what?

    • Ancelyn and Bambera provide quite a bit of comedy throughout the serial, starting with the knock-down, drag-out brawl they have upon first meeting one another - Bambera apparently won, as Ancelyn is clearly (and hilariously) head-over-heels for her from then on.
  • "Dragonfire": The conversation with the guard.

Seventh Doctor: Excuse me, what is your attitude towards the nature of existence?

    • And later in Glitz's spaceship:

Belasz: What are you doing here?
Seventh Doctor: That's a very difficult question. Why is everyone around here so preoccupied with metaphysics?
Glitz: I think she's going to kill us, Doctor.
Seventh Doctor: Ah, an existentialist.


Eighth Doctor

Okay, so the TV Movie isn't exactly high up on fandom's list of greats, but it's not without its moments:

  • The Eighth Doctor interrupts a very dramatic recall of his ancient past on the distant, glorious planet of Gallifrey... to gleefully yell "These shoes! They fit perfectly!"
  • Grace's conversation with the orderly who witnessed the aftermath of the Doctor's regeneration:

Orderly: It wasn't the same guy.
Grace: It sounds like you saw the guy who stole the body.
Orderly: [Dully] He was wearing a shroud and a JD Tag on his toe.
Grace: Somehow I don't think the Second Coming happens here.
Orderly: What, you think he's going to go to A BETTER HOSPITAL?! ... You know what? I'm going home.
Grace: Hey, Pete? Don't forget to stop by Psychiatric and pick up some more mind-altering drugs.

Orderly: [Absently] Okay sure.

  • "I always drezzz for the occasion."
  • At the very end, when the Master has been defeated and the Eighth Doctor's showing off for his new friends in the TARDIS, and it's all very glorious and magnificent with epic music—and then suddenly, with a loud "BOIIING!!!", the TARDIS packs in. Cue concerned frowns. Cue the Doctor giving the console a good thump. And everything's back to normal.

Grace: I'm going to miss you.
The Doctor: How can you miss 'me'? I'm the "guy with two hearts"!

Grace: That's...not what I meant.

  • "What are we waiting for?!" "The road's still blocked." "THIS! IS! AN AMBULANCE!!!"
  • "Stop! He's...British!" "Well...yes...I suppose I am!"
    • Eight offers some jelly babies to a very confused policeman.

Grace: Just take it! (She takes one and starts eating it)
(The officer takes one while Eight shakes the bag with a grinning expression on his face)

  • The Master gets another one moments later, when Chang Lee is trying to make conversation:

Chang Lee: Hey, you know what I'm going to do when I get the rest of that money?
The Master: I don't want to know.
Chang Lee: [Chuckling] You kill me, man.
The Master: [Puzzled] ... You want me to kill you?

Chang Lee: No! I - I mean, you make me laugh, you're a funny guy.

The Master: I'm glad one of us is amused.

Chang Lee: Hey, don't worry man, it's cool. You'll get your body back, and then we're a team, right?

The Master: [Obviously thinking 'Christ, this kid's dumb'] Yes, we're a... team.

  • The motorbike speeding into the TARDIS, and then speeding out again after the rider realizes it's bigger on the inside.
    • What makes it funnier is the way the Doctor and Grace just patiently wait outside for the motorbike to come out, the rider shouting "aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" all the way down the alley.
  • Grace is looking at a sample of the Doctor's "blood" through a microscope, and the Doctor picks up a magnifying glass, staring at her through it for almost no reason.


New Series

Ninth Doctor

  • The very first episode of the new series, "Rose", manages to have one when Rose listens to the Doctor wonder where you could hide the Nestene Consciousness's transmitter (a great big wheel-shaped thing) in the middle of London - while standing directly across the river from the London Eye. She has to point it out THREE TIMES before he catches on.
  • From "Rose": "If you're an alien, how come you sound like you're from the North?" "Lots of planets have a north!"
  • "Nice to meet you, Rose. Run for your life!"
  • "I give you the gift of air from my lungs." It was more of a Fridge Brilliance kind of funny when he did it the first time, then it just got silly.
  • From "The Unquiet Dead":

Doctor: Oi! Where do you think you're going?
Rose: ...1860
Doctor: Go out there? Dressed like that? You'll start a riot, Barbarella! There's a wardrobe through there; first left, second right, third on the left, go straight ahead, under the stairs, past the bins, fifth door on the left. Go on!

  • Rose's mother Jackie slaps the Doctor in the face when he brings Rose home.

"Nine hundred years of time and space, and I've never been slapped by someone's mother!"

    • Repeated with Martha's mother Francine.

The Doctor: "Ah, Mrs. Jones! We never finished our chat."
Francine Jones: *slaps him* "Keep away from my daughter!"
Martha Jones: "Mum, what are you doing?"
The Doctor: *rubs his jaw* "Always the mothers! Every time!"

      • He had it coming. The part where Martha introduced him really came out wrong.

The Doctor: We don’t have much time to chat, you know, been busy…
Francine: [eyebrows climbing] Busy? Doing what, exactly?
The Doctor: [awkwardly] Oh… y’know… stuff.

      • And he gets slapped again by Donna in her first appearance. Repeatedly.
      • River slaps the smirk right off of Eleven's face especially after she had just watched him die and then his younger self appeared to flirt with her.
  • "Excuse me, would you mind not farting while I'm saving the world?"
    • "Would you prefer silent but deadly?"
  • The Ninth Doctor is surrounded with a Special forces team all ready to execute him, and then politely tells them that they if they're going to back him into a wall, they shouldn't do so by a lift.
    • Then 20 seconds later, the door opens to a roaring Slitheen, grins "Hello!"... then the Doctor calmly pushes the button to close the doors.
  • Another one from World War Three.

The Doctor: Installed in 1991. Three inches of steel lining every single wall. They'll never get in!
Rose: And how do we get out?
The Doctor: ...Ah.

  • "Dalek" where the Ninth Doctor is sifting through Adam's cache of "alien weapons" searching for something usable against the titular pepperpot:
  • glances at each object, then tosses it aside* Broken...broken...hair dryer...
  • In "The Long Game":

The Doctor: *describes the current location, or at least what it's supposed to be*
Adam: *faints*
The Doctor: "He's your boyfriend."
Rose: "Not anymore."

  • During "Father's Day", when Pete and Rose are in the car, "Never Gonna Give You Up" can be heard playing in the background. Proof: Doctor Who rickroll. This isn't fake, by the way, it can be heard in the actual episode as well.
    • Hilarious in Hindsight actually, as this episode is from 2005 and rickroll wasn't a meme until 2007. Wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey indeed.
    • This is entirely Fridge Funny, since in context the actor manages to pull off the terror the Doctor would be genuinely feeling, but the Doctor opens his police box, and is absolutely terrified to find...it's a police box.
    • Still in "Father's Day", the Doctor is given care of Baby/Rose, and he is seen giving her a speech. 'Now Rose, you're not going to bring about the end of the world, are you?'
      • Made even funnier in Series 6 when we find out the Doctor speaks "Baby".
  • The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances two-parter has the entire Jack-meets-the-Doctor sequence, in particular the bit of dialogue where the Doctor recognises Jack's weapon:

The Doctor: Sonic blaster, 51st Century... Weapon factories at Villengard?
Jack: Yeah. You've been to the factories?
The Doctor: Once.
Jack: They're gone now. Destroyed. Main reactor went critical. Vaporised the lot.
The Doctor: Like I said, once. There's a banana grove there now. I like bananas. Bananas are good.

    • Later, when the gun runs out of power at a critical moment, Jack says pointedly, "I was going to replace the battery, but somebody blew up the factory."
    • Even later, Jack's prepared to start shooting the mutants who are trying to kill him... and then notices that the Doctor switched out his gun for a banana.
      • Followed by:

Doctor: Don't drop the banana!
Jack: Why not?
Doctor: Good source of potassium!

    • Let's not forget the Doctor and Jack comparing their, ah-hem, tools.

Jack: Doc, what've ya got?
Doctor: I've got a sonic, uh...oh, never mind.
Jack: What?
Doctor: It's sonic, okay? Let's leave it at that.
Jack: Disrupter, cannon, what?
Doctor: It's sonic! Totally sonic! I am sonic-ed up!
Jack: A Sonic what?!
Doctor: SCREWDRIVER!!!!
Jack: Who looks at a screwdriver and thinks, 'Ooh, this could be a little more sonic'?
Doctor: What, you've never been bored? Never had a long night, never had a lot of cabinets to put up?

    • Followed up a moment later by the Doctor trying to figure out what they have that can get them out of their current predicament:

Doctor: Assets!
Jack: Well, I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves...
(after a bit more of a faff)
Jack: Well, the "assets" conversation went in a flash, didn't it?

    • Earlier on, there's the Doctor telling the zombies controlled by an Undead Child "Go to your room!"—which they do. As they shuffle away, he sighs with relief and remarks "I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been terrible last words!"
    • And of course there's the very end when Jack thinks he's going to die, so he fixes himself a drink. "You know I once had four of these as a last meal. Woke up in bed with both my executioners. Nice couple, stayed in touch. Which is more than I can say for most executioners."
    • "Rose, I'm trying to resonate concrete."
    • Buried under the epic awesome and heartwarming that is the Everybody Lives moment, is this little gem:

Rose: Look at you, beaming away like you're Father Christmas!
The Doctor: Who says I'm not, red-bicycle-when-you-were-twelve?

Rose: What.

    • And another one:

Mrs Harcourt: Doctor Constantine.
Doctor Constantine: Mrs Harcourt! How much better you're looking!
Mrs Harcourt: My leg's grown back. When I come to the Hospital, I had one leg.
Doctor Constantine: Well there is a war on, is it... possible you miscounted?

    • This great bit at the beginning of "The Empty Child":

Rose: What's the emergency?
Doctor: It's mauve.
Rose: Mauve?
Doctor: Universally recognised colour for danger.
Rose: What happened to red?

Doctor: That's just humans. By everyone else's standards, red's Camp. Oh, the misunderstandings! All those red alerts, all that dancing...

      • Extra Fridge Hilarity: the mental image of a human starship going down in flames, alarms blaring, while the entire crew of an alien rescue ship is rocking out to Village People or something...
  • In "Boom Town", when the new evil alien mayor of Cardiff finds out that the Doctor's here to see her.

The Doctor arrives, tells the secretary to tell her that he's here; said secretary goes to tell her, she can be heard dropping a tea cup. Said secretary comes back out and tells the Doctor that he'll need to make an appointment.
The Doctor: "She's climbing out the window right now, isn't she?"
Secretary: "Yes she is."

    • Also of note in this bit is this: while the secretary goes out, the camera remains on the Doctor. We hear the tea-cup shatter, his expression doesn't really change but his eyebrows jump up and down. It has to be seen, really.
    • The chase scene that ensues. Among other highlights:
      • Mickey, who's obviously new to the "heroics" thing, crashing into a janitor while on his way to head off the mayor, and running down the hall with his foot stuck in a bucket of used paper towels.
      • Then the mayor uses a teleporter to get away... but with a tweak of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, she reappears running towards the Doctor and company. Three times in a row.
    • In the same episode, Mickey says to Captain Jack "What are you captain of .... the Innuendo Squad?"
    • This exchange between Mickey and the Doctor at the beginning of the episode:

Doctor: Hey, it’s Ricky!
Mickey: It’s Mickey.

Doctor: No, pretty sure it’s Ricky.

Mickey: I think I know my own name.

Doctor: You think you know your own name? How thick are you?

    • The Dinner Scene between the Doctor and the Slitheen Margaret is three CMOFs in rapid succession. First she attempts to poison his drink. The Doctor casually pulls a Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo, smiling at her as he does. She then reveals her species is capable of firing poison darts from their fingertips. The Doctor simply catches the dart and responds "I knew that." Bringing the Doctor in close, she tells him that excess poison can be exhaled from the lungs. The Doctor immediately dissipates the green mist from her mouth with a spray from his breath freshener.
  • Captain Jack, in Bad Wolf:

Jack: Am I naked in front of billions of viewers?
Makeover Droids: Absolutely!
Jack: Ladies, your viewing figures just went up.
Then, later:
Makeover Droids: Where were you keeping that [gun]?
Jack: (still naked) You don't want to know.


Tenth Doctor

The Doctor: But why? Look at these people, these human beings. Consider their potential! From the day they arrive on the planet, and blinking, step into the sun; there is more to see than can ever be seen... more to do than- No, hold on... (pause) Sorry, that's The Lion King.

    • Earlier:

Sycorax Leader: *bellows at the Doctor* I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Doctor: *bellows back in imitation* I DON'T KNOW!

      • Am I Ginger?

Which leaves us with a great big stinking problem. Because, I really don't know who I am. I don't know when to stop. So, if I see a great big threatening button which should never ever ever be pressed, then I just want to do this. (presses)

      • Paying the leader back for his backstabbing attempt by throwing the satsuma at a release button.
      • Another: When the Doctor and the Sycorax leader are about to face off, the Doctor says "Now, are you going to do this? Or are you just a *phrase in an alien language that somehow manages to piss the Sycorax off*"
      • When the first Sycorax message is translated by the British government, the last line is "Sycorax rock!!!"
      • Another. While the Doctor is sleeping, the spinning Christmas tree of death. As it breaks into Rose's room, Jackie wails (in a very high-pitched, squeaky voice) "I'm gonna get killed by a Christmas tree!" The fact that all this is happening while the tree plays a cheerful version of "Jingle Bells" just makes it all the funnier.
      • Rose's mum trying to help the Doctor just after he's collapsed.

Doctor: I'm having a neuron implosion. I need-
Jackie: (maniacally) What do you need? Just say it. Tell me tell me tell me. Painkillers? Do you need aspirin? Is it codeine? Paracetamol? I dunno, Pepto-Bismol? Liquid paraffin? Vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin E? Is it food? Something simple! Bowl of soup, nice bowl of soup, soup and a sandwich, ooh, soup and a little ham sandwich?
Doctor: I need you to shut up.

Ooh, I'm a man! Yum. So many parts... and hardly used!

    • The best part of this is that, near the end of the sequence, Cassandra!Doctor advances on Rose and says "You've been looking... you like it", and you can clearly see Billie Piper doing her best not to crack up. They apparently decided that she wasn't going to get any more deadpan than that.
    • Not to mention when Cassandra first jumps into Rose, and finally takes a long look at the merchandise:

Oh, my God. I'm a chav!

    • Cassandra's discovery of the Doctor's binary vascular system:

Two hearts! Oh baby, I'm beating out a samba!

  • "Tooth and Claw" - Everyone comments on how naked Rose is, and Rose tries repeatedly to get Queen Victoria to say that she is not amused.
    • As well as Queen Victoria's utterly horrified expression when the Doctor and Rose hug.
  • The multi-season Running Gag of the Doctor's companions attempting (and failing miserably) to adopt the stereotypical accent of the time period in which they've just arrived is hilarious enough, but the Doctor's completely deadpan "No, don't... don't do that" is what makes it a Crowning Moment Of Funny.
    • The funniest occurrence happens when the Doctor and Rose meet Queen Victoria in the 19th century. Rose attempts a Scottish accent and is met with the above reaction. It becomes ten times funnier when you learn that David Tennant is actually Scottish.
      • Hoots mon!
  • Several parts of School Reunion. The Doctor telling Rose what he thought the school would be like, Rose's opinion of K-9, the Doctor testing his theory about what the chips were doing to the students, K-9 repeatedly saying "We are in a car." when Mickey's trying to figure out how to get into the school, and the Krillitane leader saying "You bad dog!" to which K-9 replies "Affirmative!" with a smug little wag of his tail. Also a CMoH.
    • This episode also gives us Rose Tyler and Sarah Jane Smith trying to one-up each other with stories of the insanity that is par for the course for a companion.

Sarah Jane: I saw things you wouldn’t believe!
Rose: Try me.
Sarah Jane: Mummies.

Rose: I’ve met ghosts.

Sarah Jane: Robots. Lots of robots.

Rose: Slitheen. In Downing Street.

Sarah Jane: Daleks!

Rose: (smugly) Met the Emperor.

Sarah Jane: Anti-matter monsters!

Rose: Gas-mask zombies!

Sarah Jane: Real living dinosaurs!

Rose: Real living werewolf!

Sarah Jane: The. Loch Ness. Monster!

Rose: (Stunned) Seriously?

      • It just gets better when they both gang up on the Doctor, too. Sarah Jane asks if he still strokes parts of the TARDIS, and Rose giggles and says she sometimes feels like asking if they want to be alone. The Doctor's I'm-so-not-listening expression is priceless.
    • Also,

So, Physics! Physics, Physics Physics Physicssss.

    • "Forget the shooty dog thing"
    • Also, when Mickey realizes that, in the pantheon of companions, he has a similar role to "the tin dog." You have to feel sorry for the little Butt Monkey... at least until he Took a Level in Badass.
    • The callback to "The Hand of Fear" when Sarah tells him that the place where he dropped her off was not South Croydon but Aberdeen.
  • "I could have daaaaanced all night, I could have have daaaaanced all night, and I could have begged for more! I could have spread my wings and done a - have you met the French? God they know how to party!" . This leads to Rose's classic response: "Look what the cat dragged in, The Oncoming Storm". In short, any part of "Girl In The Fireplace" that wasn't Tear Jerker or Nightmare Fuel was this. Including:

Rose: Oh, here's trouble. What you been up to?
The Doctor: Oh, this and that. Became the imaginary friend of a future French aristocrat, picked a fight with a clockwork man... [Horse whinny off-screen] Oh, and I met a horse.
Mickey: What's a horse doing on a spaceship?
The Doctor: Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective!

The Doctor: You're my favourite, you know why? Because you're so thick! You're Mr. Thick, thick thickity thickface, from thicktown, thickainia. And so is your dad!

    • The bit where the horse whinnies off screen is also hilarious in the blooper reel. They obviously didn't have a real horse on set at the time, so someone else shouts 'NEEEIIGHH' in its place, and David Tennant can not keep it together.

Rose: You're not keeping the horse.
The Doctor: I let you keep Mickey!

The Doctor: No! No, no, no, no way! Reinette Poisson? Later Madame d'Étiolles, later still mistress to Louis XV, uncrowned queen of France? Actress, artist, musician, dancer, courtesan... fantastic gardener!
Servant: Who the HELL are you?!
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor, and I just snogged Madame de Pompadour!!! (hip-bumps the secret doorway open and rides it out of the room, cackling)

      • Whoever played that servant deserves a special mention. He only has the one line, but he knocks it out of the park.

Doctor: It's a spatial-temporal hyperlink.
Mickey: A what?
Doctor: No idea, made it up. Didn't want to say "magic door."

  • The Idiot's Lantern:

"Hold on a minute. There are three important, brilliant, and complicated reasons why you should listen to me. One-"

  • The Doctor gets walloped in the face by the MIB*
    • A little while after berating Mr. Connolly for calling the Union Flag the Union Jack, Rose then almost from nowhere shames him for hanging the flag upside down.
      • She then flashes a wacky smile and runs after the Doctor.
      • Sorry, American, probably being ignorant, but isn't the Union Flag/Jack symmetrical? How would you hang it upside down?
    • Also:

"Who'd he think you were?"
Doctor: *checks psychic paper* "The King of Belgium, apparently."

    • And:

Doctor and Rose: "Hiiiiii!"

      • Repeated pretty much the same way with Amy in "Night Terrors".
  • In "The Impossible Planet" the teaser ends with the Tenth Doctor and Rose cornered by a group of Ood, menacing the pair with chants of "We must. Feed." When the episode picks back up, the Ood in front shakes his translator orb, gives it a whack, and proclaims "We must feed...you, if you are hungry." Complete with a cartoon-caliber shaking sound.
  • I'm rather fond of the Ood's constantly deadpan BBC English delivery of anything and everything. Case in point-

Ood: "The Beast and his armies shall rise from the depths to make war against God."

    • Or the Heavenly Host from "Voyage of the Damned". Simultaneously Nightmare Fuel.

Host: Information: You are all going to die.

  • "Fear Her" has the Doctor's difficulties parking the TARDIS, and him reminiscing on the original Olympics.

The Doctor: Only seems like yesterday, a few naked Greek blokes were tossing a discus about, wrestling with each other in the sand, the crowd standing about, baying... no, wait a minute, that was Club Med!

  • While the Doctor and Rose are exploring the neighborhood, Rose finds a cat and starts fawning over it, calling it "beautiful boy." The Doctor thinks she's talking about him, and when he realizes the truth he visibly sours up.
  • "Army of Ghosts":

Doctor (in Ghostbusters-esque gear): Who ya gonna call?!

  • The TARDIS is surrounded by Torchwood soldiers.

Rose: They've got guns!
The Doctor: And I haven't, which makes me the better person. *ridiculously cheerfully* They can shoot me dead, but the moral high ground is mine.

  • Now this one is subtle. In Doomsday, when Jackie sees Alternate Pete, and he says, "So... there's been no-one?" Jackie says, "There was never anyone but you." This leads to a quick shot to Mickey and the Doctor with looks on their faces like, "Then whose robe was that that the Doctor was wearing in The Christmas Invasion?"
    • Also from that scene:

Pete: In my world, it worked. All those daft little plans of mine, they worked. Made me rich.
Jackie: I don't care about that. (beat) How rich?
Pete: Very.
Jackie: I don't care about that. (beat) How very?

Dalek Thay: Identify yourselves!
Cyberman: You will identify first.
Dalek Thay: State your identity!
Cyberman: You will identify first.
Dalek Thay: Identify!!!
Cyberman: (Mickey's CMoF obscures line)...and illogical. You will modify.
Dalek Thay: Da-leks do not take orders!
Cyberman: You have identified as Dalek!
Dalek Sec: Outline resembles the inferior species known as Cybermen.
...several Nicholas Briggs lines later...
Dalek Sec: Long-range scans confirm presence of crude cybernetic constructs on world-wide scale.
...a few lines later...
Cyberman: Our species are similar, though your design is inelegant.
Dalek Thay: DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF ELEGANCE.
Cyberman: This is obvious.

    • The situation rapidly deteriorates, and after the Daleks reject the offer of an alliance, the shooting starts. Advised that the Daleks have committed an act of war, Sec is hardly fazed.

Dalek Sec: This is NOT war, this is PEST CONTROL!

Cyberman: We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?

Dalek Sec: ...Four.

Cyberman: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?

Dalek Sec: WE WOULD DESTROY THE CYBERMEN WITH ONE DALEK! You are superior in only one respect.

Cyberman: What is that?

Dalek Sec: YOU ARE BETTER AT DYING!

  • In the midst of this, Mickey quips: "It's like Stephen Hawking versus the Speaking Clock."
    • Also, the bit where the Doctor is pretending Jackie is Rose:

The Doctor: But here she is, Rose Tyler. She's not the best I've ever had. Bit too blonde. Not too steady on her pins. A lot of that [the Doctor makes a movement with his hand to indicate she talks too much]
The Doctor: And just last week she stared into the heart of the time vortex and aged 57 years. But she'll do.
Jackie Tyler: I'm 40!
The Doctor: Deluded. Bless. I'll have to trade her in. Do you need anyone? She's very good at tea. Well, when I say "very good" I mean not bad. Well, I say "not bad" - anyway, lead on. Allons-y - but not too fast. Her ankle's going.
Jackie Tyler: I'll show you where my ankle's going!

  • Trying to convince Donna to jump out of a moving cab into the TARDIS in "The Runaway Bride".

Donna: I'm in my wedding dress!
The Doctor: Yes, you look lovely! Come on!

    • Donna's reply to the Doctor wondering why she's being targeted by the "pilot fish":

The Doctor: The question is, what did camouflaged robot mercenaries want with you? And how did you get inside the TARDIS? What's your job?
Donna: I'm a secretary.
The Doctor: (starts scanning Donna with the sonic screwdriver) Weird... I mean, you're not special, you're not powerful, you're not connected, you're not clever, you're not important...
Donna: This friend of yours... just before she left, did she punch you in the face? (pushes away the screwdriver) Stop bleeping me!

    • The flashbacks to how Donna met Lance.
    • Donna, Lance, and the Doctor riding Segways.
    • The Doctor's Lame Comeback to Donna's repeated insults and calling him "Martian".

The Doctor (quietly): I'm not, I'm not...I'm not from Mars...

  • "Smith and Jones" features a plasmavore who drinks blood through a bendy straw.
    • When that wasn't busy being Nightmare Fuel.
    • "Judoon platoon on the moon." Just sounds like a pun? Davies threw that line in because Tennant is Scottish, just to make him say as many "oo" sounds as possible.
  • The Shakespeare Code

The Doctor, to Shakespeare, who's flirting with Martha: Come on! We can flirt later!
Shakespeare: Is that a promise, Doctor?

The Doctor: Oooh... 57 academics just punched the air.

Preacher:... and the world will be consumed by flame!
The Doctor (who's explaining to Martha about how Elizabethan England is not so different from Modern England): Global Warming!

    • Martha saying expelliamus.
    • Quickly followed by the Doctor's "Good old J.K.!!"
  • In Gridlock, there's the Doctor's reaction to someone coming through the ceiling of the car. "I've invented a sport!" Then, when he recognises Novice Hame from "New Earth" and hugs her - before remembering that, "Last time we met you were breeding humans for experimentation!".
  • Blink: "This is my timey-wimey detector. Goes 'ding' when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow."
    • Also from Blink, Larry's introduction.

Larry: "Okay, I'm not sure, but I'm really, really hoping..."(Points down) "Pants?"

Sally: "No..."

    • And then when she meets him again later in the episode.

Larry: Hold on, we've met before, haven't we?
Sally: It'll come to you.

  • Larry slowly gets a dawning look of horror, and then covers up his crotch*

Sally: There it is.

    • The Doctor's Disorganized Outline Speech at the very end, explaining why he needs to leave. We never find out what's happening, just that he's carrying a bow, Martha's carrying a quiver, and there are three things he needs to deal with. No, four. Well, four things, and a lizard.
    • Similar to the "ding when there's stuff" example, there's "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff."
  • Hell, all of Tennant's Doctor's rambling, unconvincing, and ultimately hilarious attempts at a cover story throughout the years?

Doctor: But isn't that a, err, um, magnetic resonance imaging... thing? Like a err, err... ginormous sort of a magnet? I did magnetics for GCSE. Well, I failed, but all the same—
Florence: A magnet with its setting now increased to 50,000 Tesla.

    • And later in the same conversation...

Doctor: Sorry. You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little bit out of depth. I spent the last fifteen years working as a postman, hence the bunion. Why would you do that?

    • And this exchange in "Utopia."

Doctor: Bit of a hermit, actually.
Yana: Oh, a hermit. With friends...?
Doctor: Hermits United. We meet up every ten years. Swap stories about... caves. It's good fun. For a hermit.

  • While much of "Utopia" is a downer, it still manages to have a few more humorous moments:

Martha: (surveying a dead city) What about the people? Does no one survive?
Doctor: I suppose...we have to hope. Life will find a way.
Jack: Well... (points) he's not doin' too bad.
(The Doctor and Martha look over and see a man running around frantically, flailing his arms and screaming.)

    • There's also Jack's repeated attempts at flirtation with whatever catches his fancy, all of them stopped with the Doctor's casual "Stop it."
    • Jack after his trip through the time vortex on the outside of the TARDIS and Martha has attempted CPR, seemingly without success.

Jack: *Gasps* Did someone just kiss me?

    • Specifically the fact that Jack doesn't sound upset, just disappointed that he wasn't awake at the time.
  • "The Sound of Drums": The Master decides to gas a room full of people. As he's dying, one of the victims manages to choke out "You're Insane!". With the biggest grin imaginable, the Master gives him two thumbs up.
    • Speaking of which,

Master: So... this is your reward. (dons gas mask)
Albert: Excuse me Prime Minister, do you mind me asking what is that?
Master: (muffled) A gff mfk.
Albert: I beg your pardon?
Master: (moves mask aside) It's a gas mask. (puts it back)
Albert: Yes, but - um - why are you wearing it?
Master: Mm, bkmmf um dh gff.
Albert: I'm sorry?
Master: (moves mask aside) Because of the gas. (puts it back)
Albert: What gas?
Master: Thf gff.
(*pssshhh*)

      • From an earlier part of the same scene, the Master tells a joke and expects everyone to laugh. He then follows it up with a serious, but maniacal statement which the cabinet members also laugh at.

Master: No, no, you don't understand. I'm not being funny. Funny is like this! [happy face] Not funny is like this. [frowny face] And right now, I'm not being like [happy face], I'm being like [frowny face].

    • just about any time he speaks t Winters is entertaining
  • "Last of the Time Lords" - the Master pushing the Doctor around while "I Can't Decide" plays in the background, perfectly synced to the action onstage.
  • Most of "Time Crash" was just one long CMoF. A hole the size of Belgium. "The stick of celery - brave choice, not many men can carry off a decorative vegetable." Ten seeing the back of his own head. Changing the "desktop theme". "You're . . . A FAN." "Check out this bone structure, cause one day you'll be shaving it." "Like 'Hey, I'm the Doctor! I can save the universe with a kettle and some string and look at me! I'm wearing a vegetable!'" The simultaneous Timey-Wimey Ball reference and Ten's failed high-five. But the highlight is definitely:

Tenth Doctor: Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan? Cybermen and the Mara and the Time Lords in funny hats and the Master? Oh, he just showed up again, same as ever.
Fifth Doctor: Oh no, really? Does he still have that rubbish beard?

Tenth Doctor: No, no beard this time. Well, a wife.

    • And the hilarious:

Fifth Doctor: This is bad. Two minutes to Belgium!

  • At the beginning of "Voyage of the Damned," the Doctor comes across a couple who won tickets for the cruise and are being ostracized by the (snobby, rich) rest of the passengers. A gang of them are sitting at the table next to said couple, laughing at them because they fell for a prank. Then this happens:

Foon: They think we should be in steerage!
The Doctor: Well, we can't have that. *sonic screwdriver* *cork on jerks' champagne pops out, drenching the lot of them*

    • And then there's the bit near the end when the Doctor discovers that the villain of the week's plan is basically insurance fraud/petty revenge scheme. The Doctor's furious throughout, but the last line is hilarious:

Doctor: Two thousand people on board, six billion below, all dead. And why? Because Max Capricorn's a loser!
Capricorn: I never lose.
Doctor: You can't even sink the Titanic!

    • Oh, and let's not forget the Doctor's reaction to finally meeting an Alonso.
    • Apparently, the Doctor was the reason Jesus was born in a manger:

Astrid: What's this Christmas thing all about?
The Doctor: Long story. I should know. I was there. I got the last room.

    • When the Titanic is about to crash into London, Wilf just runs out of his newsstand and shakes his fist at the thing.

Wilf: Don't you dare, you aliens! Don't you dare!

  • The entire scene in Partners in Crime where Donna and the Doctor see each other for the first time in ages. Catherine Tate and David Tennant's expressions are absolutely priceless.

Donna: *mouths through glass* OH. MY. GOD!
Doctor: *mouths through window* ...How?!

    • It goes on, too, and includes the most frequently asked question of the series.

Donna: *mouths through glass* I've been looking for you!
Doctor: *mouths through window* For who?

      • And after their silent communication goes on for ages, getting more and more extravagant as it goes along, we see they haven't noticed the villain watching and giving them a Death Glare:

Miss Foster: Are we interrupting you?

        • Followed by the absolute funniest part:
  • beat*

Doctor: *mouths through glass* RUN!

  • Any Doctor-Donna double act.

Caecilius: Who are you?
The Doctor: I'm... Spartacus.
Donna: And so am I.

  • "Planet of the Ood": the "comedy classic" translator option:

Solana: Ood, you dropped something.
Ood: D'oh!

  • Another for the new series: episode 4x05, "The Poison Sky". Because of the smoke, the Doctor and everyone else around are wearing gas masks...

The Tenth Doctor: Are you my mummy?

    • When the Doctor heads over to Luke Rattigan's house, Luke has a gun pointed to him, Martha, and Donna... And the Doctor just nonchalantly grabs the gun, while grumbling about seeing guns a lot that day.

Doctor: If I see one more gun...

  • The Doctor getting poisoned in The Unicorn and the Wasp. His Bizarre Alien Biology allowing him to stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal, the Doctor frantically downs a bottle of ginger beer and a jar of walnuts only to end up playing a game of charades with Donna as his mouth is too full to tell her what else he needs to expell the poison:

(The Doctor makes muffled noises while making a shaking motion)
Donna Noble: I can't understand you! How many words?
(The Doctor holds up one finger)
Donna Noble: One! One word! Shake, milk-shake, milk! Milk! No? Not milk! Um, shake, shake, shake! Cocktail shake! What, d'you want a Harvey Wallbanger?
The Doctor: Harvey Wallbanger?
Donna Noble: Well, I don't know!
The Doctor: [growing furiously desperate] HOW IS HARVEY WALLBANGER ONE WORD?
Agatha Christie: What do you need Doctor?
The Doctor: Salt! I was miming salt! I need salt! I need something salty!
Donna Noble: (Grabs a bag from the counter) What about this?
The Doctor: What is it?
Donna Noble: Salt!
The Doctor: That's too salty!
Donna Noble: Oh, that's too salty!
Agatha Christie: What about this?(Hands the Doctor a jar and he upends it, eating the food)
Donna Noble: What's that?
Agatha Christie: Anchovies.

    • Even funnier if you realise that "ginger beer" is actually common English rhyming slang for "homosexual" ..and notice which character the Doctor aims it at (the gay servant)
    • The entire first half of the interrogation scene. Particularly when Agatha asks the Colonel, who promptly blurts out that he can walk, only to find that Agatha was going to say "You're completely innocent." Followed by Donna's interjections about who killed who.
    • Maiden!?.
  • This exchange from "Silence in the Library":

Professor River Song: Got a problem with archaeologists?
The Doctor: I'm a time traveler. I point and laugh at archaeologists.

  • And also this from Donna, in "Forest of the Dead"

Donna: Wait, no. Jus- Hang on. So... This isn't the real me? This isn't my real body? But... I've been dieting!

    • It may be just me being a bastard, but there's a certain sequence of lines from the "Next Time" trailer for this episode that I find to be hilarious:

The Doctor: What is it?! What is CAL?!
River Song: Spoilers.
The Doctor: (serious) Spoilers.
The little girl: (hysterical) No, don't tell. You mustn't tell!

  • Despite the horrible tragedy that comes after, Donna's last two minutes as the DoctorDonna are pretty funny, specifically when she starts babbling about Charlie Chaplin.
  • From Journey's End, we have this exchange between Jack and Mickey:

Jack: *After bursting out of an air vent* Just my luck. I climb through two miles of ventilation shafts, chasing life signs on this thing, and who do I find - Mickey Mouse!

Mickey: You can talk, Captain Cheesecake.

  • They laugh, and hug*

Jack: *Still hugging* Good to see ya - and that's beefcake.

Mickey: *Looking very uncomfortable* And that's enough hugging.

    • The German Daleks.

Daleks: EXTERMINEREN! EXTERMINEREN!
Dalek: HALT! Sonst wirden wir sie extermineren, sie sind jetzt Eingefangenen den Daleks! (Stop, or otherwise we will exterminate you, you are now prisoners of the Daleks!)

    • German speakers have found it funny that even though the Daleks want to murder you and everyone you love, they're still polite enough to use the formal "sie" for "you."
    • The funniest thing (perhaps in the entire fourth series) was the entire Dalek race, the most feared beings in the cosmos, spinning uncontrollably in circles while crying out in distress ("Aaaahhhh!!")
  • In "The Next Doctor", the other Doctor's demonstration of his sonic screwdriver.
    • Not to mention the revelation of his pocket watch—which, in a slow and dramatic opening, is revealed to be...an ordinary, broken fob watch. (*Spoing!*)

Doctor: I wonder. I can't help noticing you're wearing a fob watch.
Next Doctor: Is that important?
Doctor: Legend has it that the memories of a Time Lord can be contained within a watch. D'you mind? It's said... that if it's opened... [SPROING] Oh. Maybe not.

    • This bit:

Miss Hartigan: But you said I would never be converted!
Cyberman: That was designated: A lie.

  • "Planet of the Dead": Towards the end of the special, the Doctor helps the Classy Cat Burglar who helped him escape from the Inspector Javert police officer who arrested her. The officer chases after her, screaming that he'll charge her with resisting arrest, at which point the Doctor butts in. This exchange occurs:

Officer: I'm charging you too! Aiding and abetting!
The Doctor: Yes, I'll just step inside this police box and... arrest myself.

    • The Doctor compliments Malcolm:

The Doctor: And Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes?
The Doctor: You're my new best friend.

      • Also a bit of Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, as Malcolm is obviously a very big fan of the Doctor after reading so many UNIT files, making him an in-universe fanboy. And the Doctor called him his new best friend.
    • Also from "Planet of the Dead", a scene that turns a regular Doctor Who extra into a one-scene wonder.

The Doctor: Gold. Christina!
Christina: Oh no you don't.
The Doctor: Christina, what is it worth now?
Barclay: *interrupting* Hey, hey! Use this!
The Doctor: I said gold.
Barclay: It is gold.
The Doctor: Oh, they saw you coming. *turns back to Christina*

      • The exchange is well written, but it's really the actor playing Barclay who sells it.
    • In the scene where the Doctor first makes contact with Captain Magambo, he's somehow able to figure out that she just saluted him. Over the phone. She denies it.
  • While talking to a rambling Barclay for the first time:

Doctor: Right...Fine...But um, before I die of old age, which in my case would be quite an achievement so congratulations on that. Is there anyone else I can talk to?

  • This exchange in the beginning of "Waters Of Mars" between the Doctor and Adelaide.

Adelaide: "State your name, rank, and intention.
Doctor: "The Doctor...ah..." (pauses a moment) "Doctor..." (pauses to think) "Fun."

    • For the Filipinos who've seen the episode, the mention that the Philippines is actually building a Mars rocket (which, by implication, means that the Philippines is a world power in the Doctor Who universe) is absolutely hilarious since a common part of Philippine humor is referring to how everything in the country is a definition of Third World suckage.
      • Not exactly the first time that's happened, either; the Fourth Doctor makes reference to being with the Filipino army when they marched on Reykjavik in "The Talons of Weng-Chiang."
  • The cliffhanger to The End of Time Part One features The Master transforming nearly the entire global population into copies of himself. What should be horrific, however, instead becomes totally hilarious because of John Simm's OTT performance. The sight of him wearing a dress, cackling maniacally and applauding one of his fellow duplicates must be seen to be believed. And then he says:

The human race was always your favourite, Doctor, but now, there is no human race. There is only... the Master race!

    • There's another great one that most viewers may not notice during that sequence- when we see the Masters gathering in the streets and around buildings, one of them throws a hat in the air, graduation-style. Another Master picks up the hat, examines it, then puts it on and starts dancing badly.
      • The fact that you-know-who's Evil Plan seems to be entirely for the sake of that Incredibly Lame Pun ([well, okay, no it's not) makes it even funnier.
      • "Breaking news, I'm everyone!"
    • In part two, we have several. "Worst. Rescue. EVER." and "God bless the cactuses!" stick out.
      • "That's cacti!" "That's RACIST!"
      • The moment immediately after the Doctor enters the regeneration chamber to save Wilf, and after all the high drama and epic angst and the Doctor grandly sacrificing himself to save Wilf, the radiation blasts down... and nothing happens. For a few seconds after, there's an absolutely hilarious moment of anti-climax where the Doctor and Wilf, obviously having expected something a lot more dramatic to result from all the preamble, kind of shuffle awkwardly and sheepishly in front of each other. Of course, a moment later we learn the Doctor is dying and it becomes sad again, but still.


Eleventh Doctor

  • Just after 10's regeneration and all the associated heartbreak, the introduction of the 11th Doctor. Matt Smith includes a shot at his longish hair, complete with expression of absolute horror:

The 11th Doctor: "I'm a GIRL!"

    • Followed moments later by one of the last things most people would say upon realizing the craft they're piloting is crashing to Earth at terminal velocity (and on fire, to boot), but this is the Doctor we're talking about, so go figure:

GERONIMOOOOOOOOO!!

    • The "I'm a girl?!?" line is even funnier when you've seen the restroom scene from Party Animals where Matt's character actually says "No, I'm not a girl." (happens at 3:46)
    • Or if you remember that Steven Moffat wrote "The Curse of Fatal Death", where the Doctor regenerated into a woman.
    • And note that while one hand immediately goes to his Adam's apple to confirm his manhood, you can't see where his other hand goes.
  • The first words of the Eleventh Doctor in "The Eleventh Hour": Can I have an apple?
    • Also: "You're Scottish, fry something." and "Delete your Internet history".
      • "Get a girlfriend, Jeff!"
    • Plus:

Amy: You're soaking wet.
Eleventh Doctor: I was in the swimming pool.
Amy: You said you were in the library.
Eleventh Doctor: So was the swimming pool.

    • The Doctor throwing buttered bread out into the garden:

"And stay out!"

      • It was the sound of the cat yowling in protest that got me.
    • "I'M THE DOCTOR, I'M WORSE THAN EVERYBODY'S AUNT! ... And that is not how I'm introducing myself."
    • After introducing himself to little Amy, he promptly walks into a tree.

Eleven: Early days...steering's a bit off.

    • Amy cooking food for the Doctor, who promptly rejects almost all of it except for fish fingers dipped in custard. When she gives him bacon:

Eleven: Bacon. That's bacon. (quietly) Are you trying to poison me?

      • Baked beans:

Eleven: Beans are evil. Bad, bad beans.

Rory: Are you not gonna turn your back?
Amy: *arches a brow* Nope.

    • When he sees the TARDIS at the end. "Look at you. Oh, you sexy thing."
    • The Doctor has twenty minutes left and all there is in the rural English village is a post office. And it's shut.

Doctor: And what is that?
Amy: It's a duck pond.
Doctor: Where are the ducks?
Amy: I don't know, there are never any ducks.
Doctor: Then how do you know it's a duck pond?

    • This is all from one episode for the record. Damn.
    • And one more: Prisoner Zero changes into Eleven but is met with blank incomprehension by the Doctor, and we realize Eleven has spent the whole episode having no idea what he looks like.

"Well, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be?"

    • Amy says she thought the Doctor was just a madman with a box.

Doctor: Amy Pond, there's something you need to understand because it's important, and one day your life might depend upon it. I am DEFINITELY a madman with a box.

    • funnier in retrospect was the fact that ultimately Amy's life really was saved by her realising this, although it wasn't that funny at the time.
  • From Meanwhile In The TARDIS 1, the Doctor's explanation of the TARDIS' chameleon circuit:

The Doctor: Analyzes everything in a thousand mile radius down to the last subatomic particle in the first nanosecond of its appearance in a given place and time.
The Doctor: And then it disguises itself as a Police Telephone Box from 1963. Bit of an error, I've been meaning to check that.

    • Amy firing off every single question that comes into her head, while continuing to question the Doctor's sanity re: the bow tie.

"You've got a wooden time machine, do you feel stupid?"

The Doctor: Right then. [straightens his bow tie] This isn't going to be big on dignity. Geeeeeeerrrrrrroooooonnnnnnnniiiiiimmmmmmmmmmooooooooooo!
Amy: *screams*

    • Before that, when explaining their predicament to Amy:

Doctor: This isn't a floor. It's a--
Amy: A what?
Doctor: Well, the next word is kind of a scary word. You might want to take a moment, get yourself in a calm place, go 'Ommmm.'
Amy: What?
Doctor: Tongue.

    • And just before that, we have:

The Doctor: Say "wheeeeee!"
Amy: *screams instead*

    • Near the end. It's actually a dramatic and touching moment, but the delivery just makes it hilarious.

Elizabeth the Tenth: We're not dead?
Chancellor-type-person: We're actually going faster!
Amy: Well of course you're going faster now that you're not torturing the pilot.

    • How could anyone forget this exchange, which is quite a lovely callback to a similar scene with Rose and the Ninth Doctor

Amy: (Walking out of the TARDIS in a new time period and on a spaceship for the first time.) I’m in the future. Like hundreds of years in the future. (sudden realization) I’ve been dead for centuries!
Doctor: Oh lovely! You're a cheery one.

  • In "Victory of the Daleks", the Ironsides working servile jobs for the British. "WOULD-YOU-CARE-FOR-SOME-TEA?"
    • The Dalek's reaction to the Doctor beating the living daylights out of it with a giant spanner. "YOU-DO-NOT-REQUIRE-TEA?"
    • When, during the standoff later in the episode, the Doctor tricks the Daleks into not exterminating him on sight by, of all things, bluffing that a Jammy Dodger controls a (non-existent) TARDIS self-destruct - and, when later called on it, owning up with the excuse that "I was promised tea!"
      • Fridge Brilliance when you realise that this is why they trap him in the Pandorica.
      • And then eating it while he runs away.

The Doctor: Don't mess with me, sweetheart.

  • "The Time of Angels":

The Doctor: There were days, there were many days, these words could burn stars, and raise up empires, and topple gods.
Amy: What does this say?
The Doctor: "Hello, sweetie."

    • Amy: Oh, are you Mr. Grumpy Face today?
    • The Doctor tries to imitate the sound of the TARDIS materializing. What's funnier is that River says that noise happens because he leaves the parking brake on.
    • Amy: Ooh, Doctor, you sonicked her!
    • "I thought they were all dead." "So is Virginia Woolf. I'm on her bowling team."
    • The Doctor pretends he wasn't listening in when Amy and River are talking about him. He tries to look engrossed in the device he is fiddling with, which River then points out he is holding upside down.
    • On self-marriage: "If you think about it, the Church had a point. The divorces must've been messy."
    • Trying to find the escaped Angel:

River: Like a needle in a haystack.
Doctor: A needle that looks like hay. A haylike needle. Of death. A haylike needle of death in a haystack of, um, statues. ...No, yours was fine.

    • "You bit me!"
      • This one is even better. Matt Smith actually bit Karen Gillan. Several times. The Confidential episode actually has her a little worried and wondering if he's going to do it. Cut to Smith: "Absolutely I’m going to bite her arm! Yeah, for sure!"
  • "Flesh and Stone" had a few:
    • "Did I mention we have comfy chairs?"

Father Octavian: "Do you trust this man?"
River Song: "I absolutely trust him."
Father Octavian: "He's not some kind of madman is he?"

River Song: "...I absolutely trust him."

The Doctor: Listen, I am 907 YEARS OLD! Do you know what that means?!?
Amy: It's been a while?
The Doctor: Ye- No, No, No!

    • "Look, I'm five. I mean, five. FINE!"
    • The Doctor making insensitive puns at Angel Bob helps the Nightmare Fuel factor a bit.

Get a life, Bob. Ooh, sorry...

The Doctor: ...it's a quarter of a mile that way and from there we'll stabilize the wreckage, stop the Angels, and cure Amy.
River: How?
The Doctor: I'll do a thing.
River: What kind of thing?
The Doctor: I dunno, it's a thing in progress. Respect the thing. Now, let's go!

    • "Please just shut up, I'm thinking." It's the deadpan delivery that sells it.
    • One of the outtakes from that particular episode has Matt flubbing the line "The forest is full of Angels", instead saying... "The Angel is full of forests."
  • Meanwhile In The TARDIS 2: Gandalf. A space Gandalf.
    • From the same scene, Amy's reaction to the slideshow of previous companions.

Amy: Oooh, Gandalf! ... Was that a leather bikini?

    • The Doctor laughing at Rory's nose.
      • Oy, that wasn't a laugh, it was an involuntary snort. Of fondness!
  • "The Vampires of Venice". A sixteenth century gondolier in Rory's stag night shirt, thanks to Rory's need for a quick disguise. Not to mention that it's about three sizes too small.
    • The Doctor bursting out of a cake at Rory's stag night! Everyone's reaction is priceless.
      • "Thought I'd burst out of the wrong cake. Again."
      • "That reminds me, there's a girl sitting outside in a bikini. Can someone let her in and give her a jumper? Lucy, lovely girl. (whispering) Diabetic."
      • "Tell you what though, you're a lucky man; she's a great kisser! [Glass smashes] Funny how you can say something in your head and it sounds fine."
      • The best thing is that the opening credits start as if that was a dramatic alien attack.
      • "And you kissed her back?" "No, I kissed her mouth."
    • Rory's first time in the TARDIS. As the Doctor is rambling on about how Rory's probably wondering how such a big room is inside a phone box, Rory guesses "It's in an alternate dimension?" just as the Doctor says the same thing. Then the Doctor stops, turns to Rory, and acts all mad at Rory because he likes it when people say "It's bigger on the inside."
    • The whole "Stop talking. Brain thinking. Hush!" sequence and the Doctor's reaction to figuring out the villain's plans - "Eeeeugh."
      • Especially when he gets Rory to cover Guido's mouth.
    • Half the line and half the delivery, but definitely: "I'm a Time Lord. You're a big fish... think of the children..."
    • "It says here I'm your eunuch..."
    • "Tell me the whole plan!" Beat "One day that will work."
    • "We shall call for the steward...if you're lucky." The Eleventh Doctor looks pleased, and then goes "Oh Crap" immediately after.
    • For "Vampires" it must, surely, be Rory's pathetic speech.

Rory: So basically, both of our parents are dead from getting the plague. I'm a gondola driver so money's a bit tight, so having my sister go to your school for special people would be brilliant. Cheers.

    • Rory's an excellent source of humor in the episode. To wit:
      • "Yours is bigger than mine." "Let's not go there."
      • His attempts at faking martial arts with a broom (listen carefully - he's making lightsabre noises), immediately preceded by "The only thing uglier than you is your mum." Made even funnier by the fact that it gives perfectly the needed effect.
      • "Pfft, we're not her 'boys.'" "Yeah we are." "...yeah, we are."

Rory: No! I'm not Mr. Pond! That's not how it works.
The Doctor: Yeah, it is.
Rory: ...yeah, it is.

Doctor: Do you really want to talk about this now?
Rory: I have a right to know! I'm getting married in four hundred and thirty years!

    • The Doctor tries flashing his psychic paper, and instead flashes his probably out of date library card. How out of date is it? Well the paper is kind of yellowed, and the picture is of William Hartnell ten regenerations ago.
    • A little one. When the Doctor is up on the bell tower, he tells the bell to shut up.
      • The face he makes as he does this. He's such a little kid.
  • From "Amy's Choice":

Doctor: I can't feel my feet...and other parts.
Rory: I think all my parts are fine.
Doctor: Stop competing!

    • Peruvian folk band.

Amy: Oh, my boys, my poncho boys, if we're going to die, let's die looking like a Peruvian folk band.

    • The swing set scene:

Doctor: Now, we all know there's an elephant in the room...
Amy: I have to be this size, I'm having A BABY.
Doctor: No, no. The hormones seem real, but no. Has nobody even mentioned Rory's...ponytail? *Amy smirks and Rory glares* You hold him down, I'll cut it off!
Rory: This from a man in a bowtie?
Doctor: Bowties are cool!

    • Continuing with "Amy's Choice" both the Doctor and Amy get one. After screaming how DULL the village they're trapped in is, alternate-reality Amy goes into labor. After both the Doctor and Rory shout "You're a doctor, help her!" at each other, the Doctor simply places his hands between her knees to "catch" the baby. A second later, Amy declares she's faking it and says, "This is my life now, and it just turned you white as a sheet, so don't you call it dull again, ever, OK?"
      • Let's not forget the Doctor's response when he first sees a very-pregnant Amy waddle out of the house, "You've swallowed a planet!"
      • And it's quite a while before he asks her, quite genuinely, "Are you pregnant?"
    • More "Amy's Choice":

Amy: "I have chosen! Of course I've chosen!"

Long beat

Amy: *whacks Rory* "It's you, stupid!"

      • Also, after Rory cuts off his ponytail, Amy responds "I was starting to like it."

Dream Lord: If you die in the dream world, you wake up in reality. Ask me what happens if you die in reality.
Rory: What happens if you die in reality?
Dream Lord: You die, stupid, that's why it's called reality.

    • The Doctor waking up really startled after the first "really good-mare."
    • Rory calling pregnant Amy 'Chubbs' earns him a Death Glare.
    • When the Doctor first shows up in the village, it takes our heroes less than three minutes to completely run out of conversation, at which point the Doctor asks:

Doctor: Sooo, what do you do to stave off the
Amy over the end of his sentence: Boredom?
Doctor at the same time: self-harm...?

    • Amy and Rory hiding in their house:

Amy: I think the baby's starting!
Rory: Honestly?
Amy: Would I make it up at a time like this?
Rory: Well, you do have a history of--
Amy: *death glare*

Rory: --being very lovely.

  • "The Hungry Earth". "Did you just shush me?"
    • "Oi! Don't diss the sonic!"
    • "Defending the planet with Meals on Wheels!"
  • "Cold Blood." The Doctor tells the room that Nasreen and Amy will be negotiating on behalf of humanity.

Nasreen: What.

Amy: *panicked* Nowe'renot!

  • From Vincent and the Doctor, every time Amy scares the Doctor.
    • Don't forget the Doctor annoying Vincent when the latter is painting the church.

The Doctor: Is this how time normally passes? Reeeally slowly...in the right order.

    • What about the beginning of the episode where the Doctor and the art expert (played by Bill Nighy) spend almost 10 seconds straight complimenting each other's bow ties?
    • "NOTTHATFAST!! ... But pretty fast."
  • It's hard to pick one from "The Lodger", but that scene when the Doctor talks down to the footballer with his whole "Oncoming Storm" shtick like he was a Dalek or something, before realising that "annihilate" was figurative. Honourable mention to the reappearance of "Bowties are cool".
    • Also in the behind the scenes Confidential of that episode, any time the football show was recapping the match between the pubs like it was a real game, with actual logos and idents and everything. The BBC must have had fun with that one.
    • Two words: Psychic. Headbutts.
    • Also: *Doctor claps his hands over Craig's mouth* "SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!"
    • This hilarious exchange:

Craig: Listen, Mark and I had an arrangement where if you ever need me out of your hair, just give me a shout. (winks)
Doctor: (winks back) ...Why would I want that?
Craig: Uh, in case you want to bring someone round? A girlfriend... (eying the Doctor's clothes) or boyfriend?

Doctor: (realising) Oh I will! I'll shout if that happens...yes. Something like... "I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS!!"

    • There's also this:

Doctor: Girlfriend?
Craig: Friend who's a girl. There's... nothing going on.
Doctor: Perfectly normal; works for me.

    • What about the shower scene? The Doctor literally falls out of the shower, barely gets a towel around himself, and then rushes out to save the day...and only then realizes that he isn't holding the screwdriver.

Craig: Well, if I ever am [in trouble], you can come save me... with my toothbrush.

      • Here's another bit from "The Lodger" that's barely noticeable, but when you do, you'll laugh hard. Watch this video at the 1:13 mark. Watch how the Doctor "covers" himself when he realizes he's naked.
    • The Doctor doing Craig's job, and being rude to an obnoxious customer. Including blowing a raspberry, and telling him to hold because "I need to eat a biscuit".
  • From "The Pandorica Opens," the Doctor's extremely delayed reaction to the re-appearance of Rory.

Doctor: I'm missing something obvious here, Rory. Something big, something right, slap bang in front of me!
Rory: Yeah, I think you probably are...
Doctor: Oh, I'll get it in a minute.

    • That he then walks up and pokes his chest, then he sloooowly rocks back, then back forward is the icing on the cake. Then the following occurs:

Rory: Hello.
Doctor: Looong pauseHow've you been?

Rory: Good. Yeah, good. I mean ... Roman.

    • Not to mention, as Rory and The Doctor are talking, The Doctor throws up his hands and looks like he wants to scream "what the fuuuuuuuck?!?!"
    • Also, River's message to the Doctor.

The Doctor: "You graffiti'ed the oldest cliff-face in the universe."
River: "You wouldn't answer your phone!"

    • Also from The Pandorica Opens:

Doctor: You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas?
Amy: Yes...
Doctor: Sorry. [runs out from under cover] "LOOK AT ME I'M A TARGET!"

    • The thumbs up exchange between the Doctor and Amy: the Doctor has this big goofy smile, while Amy looks freaked out as all hell.
    • Back to the Doctor and Rory, the bit where the Doctor's interrogating him about his death-

Rory: It's all a bit fuzzy.
The Doctor: Fuzzy?
Rory: I died and turned into a Roman, it's very distracting.

    • Amy's favorite subject at school: Invasion of the hot Italians.
    • River escaping from her Cardboard Prison using her hallucinogenic lipstick, complete with a little note on her cell wall saying "Bye!"
  • From The Big Bang: The Doctor's hyperactive hopping about through time with a mop AND WEARING A FEZ!
    • Anything involving that fez, especially its destruction at the hands of River and Amy.
      • Speaking of the fez: "Steven mentioned the fez to Piers and I before he even wrote it. He said, "I’m thinking of putting Matt in a fez in episode 13." And of course Piers' and my jaws hit the floor and went “A fez? You’re kidding me, you’re going to put Matt in a fez? If we put Matt in a fez Matt will never take the fez off. He will want to wear the fez for the rest of the whole series. It will be glued to his head. He’ll be wearing it, you know, with his own clothes. It will be a nightmare.” He said, “No no, I’ve got a cunning plan; as soon as he’s got the fez I’m going to kill the fez.”"
    • And in "The Impossible Astronaut", he turns up in America wearing a Stetson, only to have River Song shoot it off his head.
    • The Doctor dancing like a monkey at Amy and Rory's wedding, and being copied by a crowd of children.
    • Amy calls the Doctor on being late for her wedding, then thinks she's finally surprised him...Good thing the Doctor just happened to be wearing a wedding-appropriate suit.

Rory: It's the Doctor. How did we forget the Doctor?

      • The look on Rory's face as he says the second part of the line just seals the funniness.
    • When Amy rushes over to meet the Doctor after remembering him back into existence, you can hear Rory trying to explain things in the background: "I was plastic, he was the stripper at my..."
    • Rory calls Amy while brushing his teeth. She asks if he feels like there's something he's forgetting, something huge that's left an empty space in his head where it should be. He thinks for a minute—or, rather, checks—and then goes "yup" in the most matter-of-fact manner possible.

Amy: Are you just saying 'yep' because you're scared of me?
Rory: Yep.
Amy: I love you.
Rory: Yep. I mean, I love you too ...

  • From A Christmas Carol, the bit during the "freezer-opening montage" when the door opens and Abigail goes "Kazran!" in such a way that we all know what's coming. Bonus points to Kat Jenkins, a singer with no acting experience before the show, delivering the line in a rather different fashion than she cried "Doctor!"
    • Incidentally, in the Confidential, Michael Gambon claimed to be Distracted by the Sexy when she was on set with him. It's not clear whether he was serious or not.
    • The reason Pond and Rory are in their Policewoman and Centurion outfits.
    • How about the psychic paper? The paper has said he's everybody from Caesar (The Pandorica Opens) to possibly the Pope (The Vampires of Venice). When he wants it to simply say, "I'm a responsible adult," the lie is so big that it shorts out the paper.
      • What deserves mention here is the way the whole thing is delivered:

Eleven: I think you'll find I'm universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult. (as he flashes the psychic paper)
Young Kazran: It's... Just a lot of wavy lines.
Eleven: Yeah, it shorted out. Finally a lie too big.

    • The Doctor explaining to Kazran and Abigail that they have to leave the party because he somehow married Marilyn Monroe.

Doctor: Marilyn! Get your coat.

      • Apparently, it wasn't a real chapel.
    • The Doctor's infamous entrance to the episode via the chimney:

The Doctor: Sorry, Christmas Eve on a rooftop, saw a chimney, my whole brain just went 'WHAT THE HELL!'

    • Also this, when Kazran is nervous about kissing Abigail and asks for the Doctor's advice:

Doctor: "It's this or go to your room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don't make my mistakes."

    • Even better, the sonic first shows up in Fury From the Deep. Which means the person who the Doctor was avoiding kissing was either Victoria or Jamie.
    • This exchange from the end:

Rory: Uh, got any more honeymoon ideas?
The Doctor: Well, there's a moon made of actual honey. Well, not actual honey, and it's not actually a moon. And technically it's alive, and a BIT carnivorous. But there are some lovely views.
Rory: Yeah. Great. Thanks.

    • Upon spotting the "weather control" device:

The Doctor: A big flashy-lighty thing, that's what brought me here! Big flashy-lighty things have got me written all over them! Not actually, but give me time, and a crayon.

Young Kazran: Why did you come in through the window?
The Doctor: Because if I was going out the window, I'd be going the wrong way. Pay attention.

    • Talking to young Kazran about the "Face Spiders":

Young Kazran: Are there any face spiders in here?
The Doctor: Nah. Not at this time of night. They'll all be sleeping in your mattress.

    • Again when speaking to young Kazran:

The Doctor: “Come on, we’re boys! And you know what boys say in the face of danger."
Young Kazran: "What's that?"
The Doctor: "... Mummy!”

    • And when there's a giant flying shark stuck in the wardrobe door (Even funnier, it makes complete sense in context), snapping at them and the Doctor realises it's swallowed the sonic screwdriver, and there's a "good chance" the way it's stuck is holding its jaws open:

The Doctor: Just agree with me, 'cause I've only got two gos and then it's your turn.
Kazran: Two gos?
The Doctor: Two arms! Right then. Okay. Geronimo. Open wide!

  • From the 2011 Comic Relief skit:

Amy: He's just jealous because I passed my test first time.
Rory: You cheated, you wore a skirt. ... Did you ever see Amy drive, Doctor?
Doctor: No.
Rory: Neither did her driving instructor.

    • Amy flirting with herself. And this:

Doctor: Oh, this is how it all ends. Pond flirting with herself, true love at last... Sorry, Rory.
Rory: *staring at both Amys* Absolutely no problem at all.

    • "THE WIBBLY LEVER!"
    • After Rory drops something important:

Amy: It's my fault...
Doctor: Of course it's not your fault.
Rory: It kind of is.
Doctor: How?
Amy: Because it was my skirt, and my husband, and your glass floor.
Doctor: ...Oh, Rory!
Rory: *still looking* Sorry.

    • After the second Amy walks in:

Doctor: When does this Amy walk inside the box? We need to maintain the timeline.
Amy: As soon as she slaps Rory.
Amy: Okay.
Rory: Ha! No. Why do I get slapped?
Doctor: Because we have to stick to the established chain of events. One mistake, and the whole timeline could collapse. We'd end up with two Amy Ponds forever, and then what would you do.
Rory: [[[Beat]]] [Looks at Amy as if to say "Well..."]

Amy: Oh! [slaps Rory]

  • From "The Impossible Astronaut":
    • River slaps the younger Doctor when he shapes to hug her.
    • The Doctor claiming that he and all of his companions are secret agents, and introducing their codenames as "The Legs", "The Nose", and "Mrs. Robinson".

River: (shaking her head) Oh, I hate you.
Doctor: No you don't...

Doctor: I'm being extremely clever up here and there's no one to stand around looking impressed. What's the point in having you all?

    • Canton's reaction to the TARDIS after he gets over the shock:

Canton: Nice wheels.

Doctor: Rory, would you mind going with River.
Rory: Yeah, a bit.

    • The Doctor and River exchange banter a few times... and it's absolutely hilarious.

Doctor: Dr. Song, you've got that face on again.
River: What face?
Doctor: The "He's hot when he's clever" face.
River: This is my normal face.
Doctor: Yes, it is.
River: Oh, shut up.
Doctor: Not a chance.

    • The Doctor waving out of the TV screen just as Rory says "So you think he's waving at us out of history?"
      • And yes he is wearing fez during that, probably the one place it couldn't be destroyed.
    • A blink-and-you'll-miss-it one; when the Doctor shows up in the diner, Rory pokes him in mild shock. A call-back to "The Pandorica Opens", perhaps?
  • In "Day of the Moon", Amy wondering whether her child will be born with a "time head".
    • Nixon finds out that the Doctor is from the future, and only has one question.

Doctor: I should warn you, there are a lot of questions I won't touch.
Nixon: But I'm a president at the beginning of his time; I must know. Will they remember me?
Doctor: Oh, Dicky, Tricky Dicky, they're never going to forget you. Say hello to David Frost for me.

    • At the end, when the Doctor is saying goodbye to Canton and Richard Nixon, he hints to the President that perhaps Nixon should let Canton get married because it's a hell of a reason to get kicked out of the FBI. Then, while the Doctor leaves, we get this:

Nixon: This person you want to marry... black?
Canton: Yes...
Nixon: I know what people think of me, but perhaps a little more liberal thinking--
Canton: ...he is.
Nixon: ...I think the moon is far enough for now, don't you think?
Canton: I figured it might be.

    • Rory breaking off the satellite dish on the model Apollo ship. And then giving the NASA technicians a British salute.

Rory: America salutes you!

    • After disassembling and reassembling Apollo 11, the Doctor realizes that "There's always a bit left over."
    • The Doctor mouthing Sorry to Nixon after breaking into Apollo 11.
    • There's River and the Doctor going Back-to-Back Badasses with River shooting down the Silence and the fake TARDIS while the Doctor... basically just points his Sonic Screwdriver everywhere.

The Doctor: Don't let it build to full power!
River: I know! There's a reason why I'm shooting, honey! What are you doing?!
The Doctor: Helping!
River: You've got a screwdriver, go build a cabinet!
The Doctor: That's really rude!
River: Shut up and drive!

    • And let's not forget the flirting during their Big Damn Heroes moment - Amy basically tells them to shut up and save her already.
    • How about the brief blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment between Rory and River. River has just finished blasting all of the Silence in the room to oblivion and is walking back to the TARDIS.

Rory: What kind of doctor are you again?

[A Silence jumps up behind River. She shoots it without turning her head.]

River: Archaeology. Love a tomb.

    • The short conversation where Rory and Amy talk about how he wasn't sure whether or not she was talking about him or the Doctor when she was making a declaration of love while she is captured. The main reason is because the look on Amy's face when she realizes what Rory means gives the impression that she finds the very idea repugnant. And especially this exchange.

Rory: Well, you did say "dropped out of the sky".
Amy: It's a figure of speech moron. (proceeds to start kissing Rory)

    • Rory complaining about the lack of air holes...in a body-bag. Canton hasn't had any complaints yet.
  • Reunions with loved ones in "The Curse of the Black Spot":

Captain Avery: Toby! (his son)
Amy: Rory!
Doctor: (in the exact same tone of voice as Amy) The TARDIS!

    • Earlier in the episode, we also had the Doctor trying to explain advanced technology to the 17th century pirates, and Rory acting almost high when being exposed to the Siren's song (the bit about admiring the pirates' beards and wanting one himself was especially funny). Not to mention his flirting with Amy and lustily declaring the Siren the most beautiful thing ever...in front of her. Cue Death Glare.
    • And the Running Gag of the Doctor liking hats continues, as he temporarily grabs one belonging to one of the pirates.
    • The pirates may be compensating for something with their guns.
    • The Doctor explains the TARDIS. He and Avery need t-shirts. TARDIS has screaming tantrum.
    • Rory and Amy trying to understand pirate language.

Rory: Rats was all I could hear!

    • The Doctor explaining to the pirates that the siren can use water as a portal. Amy's reaction? "Oh, well, thank God we're not in the middle of the ocean."
    • "A green singing shark in an evening gown."
    • "OK, groovy. So not just Pirates today, we've managed to bagsy a ship where there'll be a demon popping in!"

It's even better when you consider that that is SO British.

    • The Doctor declaring that he's going to get rid of the warning lights because they never stop.
  • The TARDIS calling Rory "the Pretty one", and Rory's reaction to their psychic mind-link in "The Doctor's Wife". And the Doctor's reaction when he finds out.

"What the hell is that?"

    • Also the way the Doctor keeps trying to butt in on the conversation, only to be shoved off to the side by Idris.
    • "I've got mail!"
    • Idris/ TARDIS running and kissing the Doctor. "Biting is just like kissing, but there's a winner."
    • Idris/ TARDIS: It's on the tip of my tongue! Oh, I've got a new idea about kissing!
    • "Yes, it's spacey-wacey!"
    • The TARDIS looking at her human form in the mirror.
    • The TARDIS arguing with the Doctor about the door instructions.
    • Amy's reaction to meeting Idris/ The TARDIS:

Amy: Did you wish really hard?
Doctor: Oh, shut up.
Idris: Oh, hello. I'm "Sexy".
(Amy and Rory give the Doctor looks)
Doctor: ...Still shut up!

    • Part comedy, part Nightmare Fuel - when Auntie and Uncle are dying after House abandoned them:

Uncle: I feel fine. (drops dead)

    • The Doctor proclaims that nothing can go wrong with his jury-rigged TARDIS control room...and immediately a piece leaps off.
  • "The Rebel Flesh" has this line:

Doctor: I have to get to that cockerel before all hell breaks loose. I never thought I'd get to say that again!

    • "For want of a better word, owwww!"
    • "Yes it's insane and it's going to get insane-erer. Is that a word?"
    • "Always with the Rory!"
  • Another fine one in The Almost People: "Roranicus Pondicus!"
    • Ganger!Doctor's Continuity Nod-riddled coming to grips with his 900 years of memories. "I reversed the jelly baby of the neutron flow!"
    • Ganger!Doctor slipping into Four's voice for a split second to deliver the line "Would you like a jelly baby?" is wonderfully unexpected and simultaneously hilarious simply because of just how different Smith's voice is to Baker's, but it's topped—only barely, but still—by this bit:

Ten's voice coming out of Ganger!Doctor's mouth: Hello, I'm the Doctor!
Ganger!Doctor: No! Let it go, we... we've moved on!

    • The Doctor's complete glee over talking to himself.
      • Followed by both of them doing an identical weird step-hop thing in unison.
  • From A Good Man Goes To War, we have...
    • Rory accosting the Cybermen: "Don't give me those blank looks!"
    • Strax the Sontaran Nurse.

I can produce magnificent amounts of lactic fluid!

      • Bonus points for the look on Rory's face after he says that
    • And earlier when he's holding Colonel Manton at gun point:

Don't slump, it's bad for your spine.

    • Madame Vastra and the Doctor discussing when Rory and Amy's daughter...began.

Vastra: I am trying to be delicate. I know how you can blush. When did this baby...begin?
The Doctor: Oh, you mean...
Vastra: Quite.
Doctor: Well how would I know? That's all human-y private stuff, it just sort of...goes on. They don't put up a balloon or anything.
Vastra: But could the child have begun on the TARDIS. In flight, in the vortex?
Doctor: No, no, impossible! It's all running about, sexy fish vampires and blowing up stuff. And Rory wasn't even there at the beginning. Then he was dead, then he didn't exist, then he was plastic. Then I had to reboot the whole universe...long story. So technically, the first time they were on the TARDIS together, in this version of reality, was on their w-w-w-wwww...

Vastra: On their what?

Doctor (almost choking): On their wedding night.

      • It gets even better with this Twitter exchange a few days after the episode between a viewer, Steven Moffat, and Neil Gaiman (neilhimself):

whitniverse: @steven_moffat @neilhimself #Doctor Who SPOILERS! Does this mean that River was conceived on a bunk bed?
steven_moffat: @whitniverse @neilhimself Or a ladder.
neilhimself (at about the same time): @whitniverse @steven_moffat or on the ladder…
neilhimself: @steven_moffat @whitniverse That was spooky.
steven_moffat: @neilhimself @whitniverse I think we accidentally made that canonical.

    • The Doctor talking with Melody Pond

Doctor (sniffs Melody): Well, yes, I suppose she does smell nice. Never really sniffed her, maybe I should give it a go. Amelia Pond, c'mere. (he hugs and sniffs Amy)
Melody: (makes baby noises)
Doctor: It's ok, she's still all yours. And you really should call her Mummy, not big milk thing.
Amy: Ok, what are you doing?
Doctor: I speak baby.
Amy: No, you don't!
Doctor: I speak everything...Don't I, Melody Pond?
Melody coos
Doctor (fixes his bow tie): No, it's not...it's cool!

    • When the Doctor figures out that River is Melody Pond, he squeals gleefully...until he realizes the implications. Namely, that he kissed River before he knew who she was. He gives Amy and, in particular, Rory a very scared look, runs to the TARDIS, and gets the hell out of there.
    • River casually tells the Stormcage security that she's actually breaking back in and to turn off the alarms because she's back in her cell. They oblige and then she asks for her usual breakfast time.
    • The fact that River is a Time Lord can be said seriously outside of WMG, even if it is only partially true.
    • The wonderful Les Yay moment between Madame Vastra and Jenny:

Vastra: I honestly don't know why you put up with me. *Knocks out guard with prehensile tongue* *smirk*

    • River telling Rory that the Doctor's birthday gift included ice-skating in 1814 and a performance by Stevie Wonder:

Rory: Stevie Wonder performed in 1814?
River: Yes, but you must never tell him that.

  • We know the title for the next episode now: Let's Kill Hitler.
    • From the episode itself, we have this exchange:

Doctor: Put Hitler in the cupboard, Rory.
Rory: Putting Hitler in the cupboard.

Rory: Shut up Hitler!

    • River and the Nazis:

River: Well, I was off to this gay gypsy bar mitzvah for the disabled when I thought "Gosh, the Third Reich's a bit rubbish, I think I'll kill the Führer".

    • Amy, Rory, and the Doctor's reaction after Mels regenerates into River, followed by the Doctor and River's Death Note Level I Know You Know I Know exchange.
      • Blink and you'll miss it, but the Doctor actually covers up his eyes after Melody propped her foot up on that armchair.
    • Amy and Rory get quite a few between them throughout. They write the word "Doctor" into a field with their car because "he never answers his phone". The Doctor turns up in the middle of the "O" with tomorrow's newspaper, which contains a front page story about the crop circle, and simply asks...

Doctor: Seriously?

    • The three of them scream in comical terror when they realise Mels is driving straight at them.
      • The fact that Amy and Rory get out of the way, but she does hit the Doctor.
    • The flashbacks to Amy, Rory and Mels as children are full of Funny Moments.

Amelia: Why are you always in trouble? You're the most in trouble in the whole school, except for boys.
Young Mels: And you.
Amelia: I count as a boy!

    • Mels' insistance that several historical events happened because "the Doctor didn't stop it".
      • Just to warn you, it may lose some of the humor when you realize why she seems so dead-set on convincing everyone that everything bad that happens is the Doctor's fault.
    • The scene in Amy's bedroom is one big one. Mels is lying on the bed playing with a toy police telephone box.

Mels: It was late, I took a bus.
Rory: No, you stole a bus.
Amy: Who steals a bus?
Mels: I returned it.
Rory: You drove it through the Botanical Garden.
Mels: Short cut. (giggles)
Amy: Why can't you just act like a person. Like a normal legal person?
Mels: I don't know. Maybe I need a Doctor!
Amy: Stop it.
Rory: I better go. I'm on earlies tomorrow.
Mels: It's alright for you. You've got Mr. Perfect keeping you right.
Amy: He's not even real. Just a stupid dream when I was a kid.
Mels: I wasn't talking about him.
Amy: What, Rory? (Rory freezes in the doorway) How have I got Rory?
Rory: Yeah, how...how's she got me?
Amy: He's not mine.
Rory: No. No, I'm not hers.
Mels: Oh, come on. It's got to be you two! Oh, cut to the song, it's getting boring.

Amy: Nice thought, ok? But completely impossible.

Rory: Yeah, impossible!

Amy: I mean, I'd love to, he's gorgeous, he's my favourite guy, but he's, you know?

Rory: A friend.

Amy: (overlapping) Gay!

(They look at each other in shock)

Rory: I'm not gay.

Amy: Yes, you are.

Rory: No. No, I'm not.

Amy: Course you are, don't be stupid! In the whole time I've known you, when've you ever shown interest in a girl?

Mels: Penny in the air.

Amy: I've known you for, what, 10 years? I've seen you practically every day. Name one girl you've paid even the slightest bit of attention to?

(Rory quickly leaves the room without saying a word. Mels starts laughing as the speechless Amy slowly starts to realise Rory's feelings for her.)

Amy: Oh, my God! Rory! (she chases after him)

Mels: And the penny drops!

    • Immediately after Mels regenerates and has momentarily disappeared to check out her new body:

Rory: Does anybody else find this day just a bit difficult? I'm getting a sort of banging in my head.
Amy: Yeah, I think that's Hitler in the cupboard.
Rory: That's not helping.

    • The Doctor is questioning Robo-Amy about the Silence when he hits a dead end.

Doctor: Yes, but what is The Question?

  • dramatic pause*

Robo-Amy: Unknown.
Doctor: Well, fat lot of use that is, you big ginge.

    • Rory steals a bike from a Nazi:

Rory: Heil!
Nazi: Heil!
(Rory knocks him out with a punch to the face and steals the bike.)
Amy: Can you ride a motorbike?
Rory: I expect so. It's that sort of day.

    • Amy and Rory find themselves inside a giant robot replica of Amy:

Rory: Ok, ok, I'm trapped inside a giant robotic replica of my wife. (whispering to himself) I'm really trying not to see this as a metaphor.
Amy: How can we be in here? How do we fit?
Rory: Miniaturisation Ray.
Amy: How would you know that?
Rory: Well, there was a ray, and then we were miniaturized...

Amy: All right.

    • The crew of the Tesalecta (a humanoid robot) trying to make sure their "Janitor" disguise has come out right.

Harriet: I don't trust sensors, I want to take a look myself.
Jim: We're in a hurry. We're not trying to win an award.
Harriet: That's what you said when we made Rasputin green!

    • Melody Pond's regeneration from "I'm focusing on a dress size" to "I'm gonna wear lots of jodphurs."
    • When 'New'!River walks into a party of Nazis.

River: *Fires off 2 machine guns.* LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I don't have a thing to wear. *Points guns at everyone.* Take off your clothes.

    • And shortly after that, when Amy and Rory are trying to find River:

Rory: Okay, all of Berlin, how do we find her?
Amy: I don't know. Look for clues.
Rory: Clues? What kind of clues?!
Amy: Shut up...
(The doors of a nearby building fly open, and a crowd of people in their underwear run out.)
Rory: Okay.

    • Absolutely anything said by the antibodies.

Antibody: Please remain calm while your life is terminated.
Antibody: It is normal to experience fear during your incineration.
Antibody: You will feel a slight tingling sensation and then death.

  • From "Night Terrors", we have Rory proclaiming "We're dead. Again.", and Alex's response to a long, grand speech from the Doctor.

Alex: You're not from social services, are you.

    • And the Doctor getting sidetracked regarding the term for a phobia of everything:

"Pantaphobia. That's what it's called, pantaphobia. Not fear of pants, though, if that's what you're thinking. It's the fear of everything, ...including pants, I suppose. Anyway, go on."

    • He also gets sidetracked talking about how they've knocked down the blocks he went around and built new ones, and how hard it is to remember everything he's seen. Alex is freaking out during the second one, but you can still hear him going on in the background.
    • Also Alex's reactions when the Doctor is debating whether or not to open the cupboard.
    • The Doctor telling George about his 'Bedtime Stories' and fiddling with a Rubik's Cube.
    • Amy, Rory and the Doctor trying to find George's flat by knocking on other people's doors.
  • "The Girl Who Waited": "Glasses are cool."
    • Amy lost her phone.

Amy: Has anyone seen my phone?
Doctor: (sighs) I bring you to a planet 2 billion light years away and you want to update... Twitter?

    • The two Amys fighting - you know, before the Mood Whiplash.
    • future Amy flirting with Rory, much to his discomfort. Toss in a bit of fridge for the last bit. Who played doctor and who played nurse?

Amy: I've known you my whole life. How many games of "Doctors and Nurses"...

  • From "The God Complex", the National Anthem of Gibbis' planet is "Glory To Insert Name Here".
    • Rory squeeing over a Cool Car, before the Mood Whiplash sets in and you just want to cry. Also, his Memetic Badass status has been acknowledged in-universe. In the Hell Hotel, everyone sees rooms with their worst fears. What does Rory see? Fire Exits. The Minotaur just wants him to leave. Also a CMOA.
    • When the Minotaur breaks the door open, Rory, who has been leaning against it from the other side, is swung around behind the door out-of-sight.
    • When Amy and Rita duck inside a room meant for someone else, a sad clown with a balloon is sitting on the bed.

Rita: How's it going?
Amy: Don't talk to the clown!

"Every time the Doctor gets pal-y with someone I have this overwhelming urge to notify their next-of-kin."

    • When Amy and Rory are looking over the photos, one past victim called Royston Luke Gold had a fear of Plymouth.
  • In "Closing Time", the Doctor distracting Craig from the fact that they're on a Cybermen spaceship by pretending to be in love/coming on to him.
    • Stormageddon, Dark Lord of All.
      • "You're not-mum. So am I. Everyone else is...peasants. Well, that's unfortunate."
    • The fact that the Doctor and Craig are Mistaken for Gay. So much Ho Yay!
    • "I liked his hat."
    • Bitey.
    • Don't worry, I have an app for that.
    • The return of "You redecorated! I don't like it."

Craig: It's a new house!

    • A blink and you'll miss it one: Sophie returns from her little vacation, amazed at the clean house and asking if anything's happened. Craig denies it, until Stormageddon chimes in with his first word: Doctor.
    • "Hello, Craig! I'm back." Said with a huge cheesy grin on his face and his arms straight down at his sides.
  • During "The Wedding of River Song", the Doctor meets up with River again while in the company of Madame Kovarian. When they start flirting again, Kovarian comes out with...

Kovarian Oh, they're flirting again! Do I have to watch this?

      • It's the delivery that makes it!
    • Also, when the Doctor wakes up in Amy Pond's office on a train, he rattles on about how they used to be best friends in another version of reality, and how she grew up with a time rift in her wall that affected her memories, so she should be able to remember him...only to realise he's picked up a toy TARDIS, and the walls are covered in drawings of him and the creatures they've faced.
    • Amy's hilariously bad drawing of Rory.
    • The sickened look on Amy's face when she realizes she's the Doctor's mother-in-law.

River: Dad? I think mother may need another drink.

    • The Doctor is explaining how time broke to Winston Churchill, ending with...

Doctor: Like a record stuck on a needle.
Winston Churchill: A record? Dear God, man, haven't you ever heard of downloads?
Doctor: Said Winston Churchill!

I'm a head! I have rights!

    • Amy's Cliff Notes explanation to Rory of their relationship in the real world.

Amy: "You and I got married and had a daughter and that's her."
Rory: "...okay."

      • Similarly, their proposal: "Let's get drinks sometime." "Okay." "And married." "Fine."
    • Early on, there's the sign in the park: "Pterodactyls are vermin: do not feed them."
    • Rory and Amy's disgusted looks when the Doctor and River have their big kiss.
  • The short "Death is the Only Answer" The Doctor is in a prank war with Albert Einstein. And then there's this line:

Doctor: Nice hair! You should keep it; looks more science-y.

  • Pretty much all of The Night and the Doctor mini-series. Except for the end of Last Night. Which was sad.
    • Special mention goes to the Doctor's response to Amy's "serious face."

Doctor: Roooory!! She's having an emotion!!!!

  • The tour of the house in "The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe".

"I know!"

    • Amy getting so fed up with carolers that she comes to the door armed with a squirt gun.
    • The hammock scene:

Cyril: Where are the beds?
Doctor: Well, I couldn't fit everything in, there had to be sacrifices. Anyway, who needs beds when you've got HAMMOCKS?!
(he pulls a lever and two hammocks come down. Cyril, Lily and Madge are confused.)
Doctor: I know!

Cyril: But how do you get on?

Doctor: Watch and learn, kid.

(Epic Fail follows)

Madge: For God's sake!

Doctor: This hammock has developed a fault.

    • When the tree ship is taking off we get probably the most succinct summary of the Doctor's more chaotic escapades we'll ever hear:

Lily: What's happening?
Doctor: No idea, do what I do-- hold tight and pretend it's a plan.

    • The reveal that, due to the Doctor being separated from the TARDIS in the 1930s, there are real police boxes around.
    • While Madge pilots the Mecha to save her kids.

Madge: "Caretaker?"
Doctor: "Yeah?"
Madge: "You're fired!!"

  • After a most epic moment in which the Doctor puts on a spacesuit while falling into the atmosphere, he crashes into the Earth, he sounds rather injured...and then it's discovered that it's because he thinks he's gone blind due to putting the suit on backwards.
    • Even better, when Madge asks him how in the world was he able to put the thing on backwards, he said what might be one of his biggest understatements in a few series: "I got dressed in a hurry."
  • When it becomes increasingly obvious the Androzani trees are Plant Aliens:

Cyril: Caretaker...are the trees...alive?
Doctor: (*beat*) ..Of course they're alive! They're trees!

  • From the series 7 trailer

Amy (while waving a loaded gun around): You've clearly been taking stupid lessons since I last saw you! *BANG*

    • And then:

Sheriff: Everyone who isn't an American put their guns down.
*BANG*
Amy: I didn't mean to do that.

    • Also:

Doctor: Anachronistic electricity, Keep Out signs, aggressive stares-- has somebody been peeking at my Christmas list!?

Doctor Who Expanded Universe

Comics

  • Beep the Meep is a walking, talking CMOF waiting to happen. Imagine a creature that looks about as cuddly and furry as a Furby... with a Hitleresque desire to conquer the galaxy with his Black Star radiation. Now imagine it trying to do so by repeatedly playing The Woobie. And then picture it as it goes Ax Crazy with his guns.
    • And there was the time he got trapped inside a movie. A Lassie knockoff.
    • And the audio story where he tried to market a TV show starring himself for the purposes of brainwashing his viewers into his own private army. The Doctor thwarted his plans, but most of the action was transmitted live on national TV. Cue the cancellation of Beep's show, and a deluge of people asking for a sci-fi show with this mysterious Doctor...

Let the streets run red spread our message of pain,
When they beg for their lives use the pliers again,
No need to ask why, do it for the Most High, you are Beep's friend, Conquer Alllllll!

  • Once upon a time, there was this issue where Izzy and the Eighth Doctor get lost when almost crashing with Beep the Meep's escape. They end up entering OUR universe. Yup. In Britain. Yup. In London. Yup. In the BBC Building. Yup. Izzy gets to meet Tom freaking Baker. Yup. Tom Baker gets to scare Beep into almost-submission. By talking. Yup. The Doctor gets to read Doctor Who Magazine. And we get to see his expression.
  • Happy Deathday had the then-eight incarnations of the Doctor fighting to defeat a Guardian of Space and Time - The Beige Guardian. From the Wildean Wit Enforcer (a parody of the Raston Warrior Robot which beats people into submission when it hears bad puns), to the Fourth and Seventh Doctor taking about their allergies while casually ignoring the horde of monsters approaching, to the Third Doctor pummelling a couple of drunken Sontarans, to the Fifth recognizing a shapeshifter by their sweat, to the First and Eighth launching a stick of dynamite to the Guardian while he's lamenting how he used to be bullied by the other Guardians for being a loser... CMOF from beginning to end.
  • Planet Bollywood, Doctor Who Magazine comic, has the Doctor and Amy land on a planet where everyone participates in Bollywood-style musical numbers... including them. Hilarity Ensues as the Doctor must fix a malfunctioning Shiva-like cyborg called "the Muse" in order to defeat a fleet of singing Ganesh-like aliens. Even more hilarity ensues as both the Doctor and Amy have multiple CMoF musical numbers. One particularly hilarious number comes from Amy, where she complains about the Doctor's overuse of Techno Babble – through song!
  • In "Fire and Brimstone", Ascended Fangirl Extraordinaire Izzy Sinclair has a momentary Squee over her first ever encounter with 'space people' -- and promptly turns to them, does the Vulcan salute and announces "|Klaatu barada nikto. We come in peace." Behind her, the Doctor face palms.
  • In Ophidius, when the Eighth Doctor is captured and about to be executed (again), he protests that in his culture there is no greater disgrace than to be killed like that...

The Doctor: I DEMAND TO DIE NAKED!

  • Issue 11 of Doctor Who Ongoing has a Freaky Friday plot in which Amy and the Eleventh Doctor get swapped. Rory doesn't care what Amy looks like. At the end, not knowing that they've just switched back, he declares this and says they'll make it work just before passionately kissing the Doctor. Amy says they should do it again, but slower.
  • One of Eleven's comics-only companions is Kevin. The ROBOT DINOSAUR. Need we say more?


Outside the Universe

The Curse of Fatal Death (charity spoof)

  • Easily the funniest line came from the Master as he was about to dump the Doctor and his assistant into the vast sewers of Tersurus:

The Master: Prepare for 500 miles of fear and feces!
[Later on:]
The Master: 624 years... in a sodding sewer!

  • Jonathan Pryce's gloriously OTT Master is a Crowning Villain of Funny. The Evil Laugh that causes thunder and lightning to strike while he's inside his TARDIS? The Dalek control "bumps"? His cybernetic upgrade (his hand's been replaced by a plunger)? And he is NOT CAMP!
  • The female Doctor, inspecting her sonic screwdriver: "Ooh, look--it's got three settings!"
  • After the Doctor explains how he'll tell the Master that the Daleks are planning to screw him over:[2]

Emma: ...Can I be tied to a different chair?
Dalek: Si-lence.
Emma: ...Why do you have chairs on a Dalek spaceship anyway?
Dalek: ...We will ex-plain la-ter.

  • Heck, every time they need to say I/ We will explain later.


The Weakest Link Special

  • The very fact that K-9 is a contestant. No, not his voice actor, K-9 himself.
  • David Tennant introducing himself.

David: Hello, I'm David Tennant, I'm over 900 years old, and I'm from Gallifry.


"This is my Timey Wimey Detector. Goes ding when there's stuff."

  1. ↑ misreading or forgetting lines
  2. ↑ The aliens communicate by breaking wind.
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