Memetic Badass/Real Life/Chuck Norris

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Chuck Norris is the most prominent example, thanks to Chuck Norris Facts, and it also applies to those celebrities, both real and fictional, that also have the "Chuck Norris Facts" attached to them:

  • Gary motherfucking Oak. He found the cure to cancer.
  • Paul Bunyan and other subjects of tall tales are among the Ur Examples.
  • Bruce Campbell as evidenced by his own Facts site.
  • "Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors."
  • Bob Ross. Some say that the universe we live in is one of his paintings.
    • Bob Ross once painted a portrait of Chuck Norris. It came to life and beat the shit out of the original.
    • BOB ROSS IS AWESOME.
  • Tim Tebow.
  • Mai Le Meur once took a shot in soccer. The ball hit the goalie square in the shins...but wait, it still went in!
    • Mai can make a basket in basketball. By placekicking a soccer ball.
    • She can also blend in perfectly with a white background by wearing maroon.
    • Mai with a soccer ball is more powerful than a 9mm handgun.
    • Mai might have been scheduled for a Super Smash Bros. Brawl inclusion. There is an unused character file under the name pra_mai. This would also explain the series where the soccer ball item comes from.
  • Samoa Joe (is gonna kill you).
  • Vin Diesel. The Chuck Norris Facts were actually originally based on the Vin Diesel Facts.
  • Mr. T, fool!
  • Barack Obama, though more accurately a Memetic Nice Guy.
  • Australian rural parliamentarian Bob Katter is one of the country's most common proxies for Chuck Norris facts, aided perhaps by his similar and characteristic headgear.
    • Bob Katter wears a hat to protect the sun from his head.
    • When Bob Katter feels like a salad, he eats a vegetarian.
    • Bob Katter can stun rogue animals by putting them into a Kattertonic state.
    • After hearing Bob may be made Minister for Defence, the Taliban have promptly surrendered and apologised.
    • The only flavour of Paddle Pop available in Kennedy is Banana. Bob Katter outlawed the rest of them.
    • Global Warming believes Bob Katter isn't man-made.
    • Bob Katter's calendar goes from March 31 straight to April 2 - NO ONE fools Bob.
    • The medium isn't the message, the medium and the message is simple: Bob Katter.
  • Neville Longbottom has a facebook group devoted to him that features a list of this type of joke featuring the legendary badass himself.
    • Examples: The Sorting Hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes them to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom. Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom.
    • Also, Merlin got an Order of Neville, Second Class.
    • Harry did it in 7 books, Neville would have done it in 3.
    • They say that Dumbledore was the only one Voldemort ever feared; Longbottom was the only one Dumbledore ever feared.
  • Alton Brown, as shown here.
    • There is no theory of evolution. There are merely lists of organisms that Alton Brown allows to live so that they can be made into Good Eats.
    • Kosher salt is named as such because God approves of anything that Alton Brown uses.
    • Alton Brown doesn't reduce sauces. He demoralizes them.
    • Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.
    • Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain't afraid of no chump neurotoxin.
    • Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices -- and they were delicious.
    • Alton Brown turned Cthulhu into a delicious fish sandwhich. Then ate it.
  • Vladimir Putin (his KGB background and his habit of saving cameramen from tigers while conveniently armed with a tranquillizer dart make people Putin a good word for him).
  • Cryptography guru Bruce Schneier.
  • Free Software guru Richard Stallman.
    • rms once duplicated the work of ten programmers for an entire year. Wait - that one's true.
    • Richard Stallman with katanas. That is all.
  • Jack Palance, when accepting his 1992 Oscar, dropped to the ground and did one-armed pushups. He was age 73 at the time. Host Billy Crystal turned it into a running joke.
    • Had bungee jumped off the Hollywood sign.
    • Rendezvoused with the Space Shuttle in orbit.
    • Fathered all the children in a production number.
  • When Jack Bauer was told he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
    • If Jack Bauer were in a room with Nina Myers, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein with a gun that only had two bullets, he'd shoot Nina. Twice.
    • "There have been no terrorist attacks on US soil since Jack Bauer appeared on television". The better part? It's true.
    • Jesus rose from the grave in three days. Jack Bauer took only slightly less than an hour... and did id twice.
    • The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for all of the times he had saved the city. They had to change the name back when so many people died while crossing it. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives to tell the tale.
  • Daniel Craig, based on his performance as James Bond in Casino Royale.
  • The Nissan GT-R sports car, mainly due to the rumor r that Chuck Norris himself bought one for his 70th birthday.
  • Mark Motherfucking Musashi is the Toku equivalent, apparently.
  • Charles Bronson, although many of these aren't actually exaggerations. He worked as a coal miner at ten.
  • ESPN even had an "Interesting Facts About Cliff Lee" segment when the Indians Pitcher got out to a hot start in 2008.
  • Hockey player Gary Roberts, thanks to the fannish devotion he received from Pittsburgh Penguins fans in his season and a half with the team.
  • Stephen Colbert doesn't fear the truth, the truth fears Stephen Colbert.
  • These, in turn, were originally inspired by the Bill Brasky sketches of Saturday Night Live. Chuck Norris has not, in fact, punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road. That was Brasky.
    • Hell of a salesman.
    • He gave a handjob to a manta ray.
    • The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky... except for the part about planting apple seeds and not raping men!
  • Alan Moore. Although his 'facts' tend to be a little more grounded in fantasy (see also, Neil Gaiman's "True Things about Alan Moore".

"NO ONE contradicts ALAN MOORE!"

  • Neil Gaiman is a victim recipient of this honor now.
  • Many of the original Chuck Norris facts fit well for Cthulhu, but become rather creepy. This is partly because Cthulhu is canonically that badass. Nothing earthly H.P. Lovecraft knew of can kill him. (Although a steamship can stun him.)
    • Except The Ghostbusters.
    • Also it's revealed in the story In The Mountains Of Madness Cthulhu and it's spawn defeated The Elder Things, who both had and used nuclear weapons-making Cthulhu not a Memetic Badass, but a true one. And nukes hadn't even been invented yet when that was written.
  • The Norwegian Lars Monsen. Like Chuck Norris is the god of roundhouse kicks, he is a "god" of winter and cold. (Lars Monsen can cross the Milky Way on foot -- in the winter.)
  • When Michael Phelps swims, he doesn't pull himself forward, he pushes the Earth backwards.
    • And then there's his giant, sports themed robot. GO PHELPSZORD GOOOOO.
  • Velimir "Bata" Zivojinovic (yes, that's a beer bottle wrapper), a star of old Yugoslav WWII movies, most prominently Valter brani Sarajevo (Valter defends Sarajevo) which apparently became hilariously popular in China, had a series of similar memes attached to him, such as: " The bogyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris. Chuck checks for Bata Zivoinovic."
  • An early form of this trope can be found in the tall tales told about giant mythological lumberjack Paul Bunyan, who, among other mighty feats, was said to have dug the Grand Canyon by dragging his ax behind him, and single-handedly cutting down the Sahara Forest.
  • Chris Capao...
  • Georg Prime from Suikoden II and V frequently has old Chuck Norris jokes attached to his name.
  • At a press conference in Iraq, someone threw a shoe (yes, a shoe) at George W. Bush. He dodged it and a meme has since developed that he can defeat anyone as long as they are wearing shoes.
    • For the record, Chuck Norris wears boots, so Bush can not defeat him.
  • Reginald VelJohnson (Carl Winslow from Family Matters) doesn't take cream or sugar for his coffee; he takes Chuck Norris's tears.
    • HE can make Chuck Norris cry.
  • Dick Cheney can pixellate things just by touching them. And if he brushes by a plant, three days later that plant will die.
  • In the Team Fortress 2 Spy/Sniper update, a new "character" was introduced. The forums exploded with "Saxton Hale Facts" threads.
  • Give Chuck Todd a slide rule and enough black coffee and he'll figure out how to bail out Wall Street for $9.95.
  • When Joy of Painting was announced for Nintendo DS, the GameFAQs board about it spawned a thread about him in this light, except more of an extreme nice guy.
    • Except for the one story where a man shaves off Bob Ross' afro, thus turning him into Chuck Norris.
  • "I think that Chuck Norris checks his closet every night to make sure Captain Harlock isn't in it"
  • Bear Grylls is considered Chuck Norris's successor in some circles.
    • Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Bear Grylls can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
  • Steve Irwin once wrestled a giant squid in the middle of the pacific, we now call the body of that squid, Japan.
    • Steve Irwin did not use animal calls. Animals used Steve Irwin calls.
    • Shigeru Miyamoto got the idea of Yoshi when he saw Steve Irwin riding a giant Komodo Dragon.
    • Steve Irwin isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Steve Irwin.
    • Steve Irwin once mated with a crocodile and had a child. That child grew up to be Chuck Norris.
    • Steve Irwin once dug to China just to save an injured panda. It only took him 36 minutes.
  • Photographer Ken Rockwell once designed a zoom lens. You know of it as the Hubble Space Telescope. (Also, he doesn't use a flash ever since the Nagasaki incident.)
  • Former USA international goalkeeper Brad Friedel has had a similar cult following since he stopped two penalty kicks in the 2002 FIFA World Cup.
  • Colts safety Bob Sanders once sued Myspace, claiming that Myspace is what he uses to refer to the football field.
  • Professional Wrestler Aja Kong had this in her Entrance music:

God got up one morning, He was in an ugly mood,
He was sick of floods and plagues, He wanted something really rude,
He made a big pirahna out of broken glass and glue,
Then He gave her two legs and a nasty attitude.


Well, the Sahara was a jungle 'till she ripped out all the trees,
Then she looked up at the mountaintops, they all began to freeze,
The sun gave her a cold until she set it on fire,
You can see her for yourself if you think that I'm a liar!


God made the Devil just for fun,
When He wanted the real thing, He made Aja Kong!


She's a head-splittin', fire-spittin', human earthquake,
She makes the young ones wonder and the wise ones shake,
She's got the hands of a gorilla, got the head of a snake,
She keeps looking, but she hasn't found a thing she can't break!

Usain Bolt never false starts. Sometimes the starter is so amazed by Bolt's start, he forgets to pull the trigger in time.
Usain Bolt has two paces: World Record and Celebrate.
Pluto is actually a collection of spikes which were insufficiently tightly laced and kicked into space by Usain Bolt.
Usain Bolt doesn't use performance enhancing drugs because steroids would slow him down.
Usain Bolt isn't too tall to be a sprinter. His presence makes other sprinters shorter.
Usain Bolt's house has no doors, only walls that he runs through.
When Usain Bolt was denied chicken nuggets at a McDonald's, he ran through the restaurant so quickly it became a Wendy's.
If Usain Bolt could be contained by a treadmill, his 200m would produce enough energy to power the entire nation of Jamaica for 22 years.
Usain Bolt isn't actually black, he appears black because he outraces the photons.
Usain Bolt can watch an entire season of 24, with commercials, in 17 minutes.
Usain Bolt's races aren't timed. HE decides when the clock should stop.
There are two types of people in the world: slow people, and Usain Bolt.
When Usain Bolt's back itches, he runs around the track and stretches his arm forward.
A normal person runs at 7 mph. Usain Bolt does that speed when he's at rest.
Usain Bolt feeds Schroedinger's Cat on his back porch. Without opening the box.

Usain Bolt isn't on the internet. He can't find a fast enough connection.

According to Al Gore, the greatest danger to global climate is if Usain Bolt decides to run on the Antarctic permafrost.

In Christmas 2004, while visiting Madagascar, Usain Bolt wondered whether he could reach Indonesia running on water. He promised not to do that ever again.

Usain Bolt is so fast he was born before his father.

There are no unbreakable World Records, just times Usain Bolt hasn't decided to run yet.

    • Matt Wieters has a fansite devoted to this type of thing.
  • Abraham Lincoln is gonna emancipate your ass!
  • I give you David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain. Che Guevrea has a shirt with David Cameron's face on [1]
  • The Irish equivalent is Paul O'Connell, quite possibly the toughest rugby player here. This radio sketch can probably say more than I can about him. The 'facts' are even referenced near the end.
  • Bruce Lee is boiling water with his gaze in the Himalayas.
  • Shawn Drover cannot lose the game, for he IS the game!
  • Thanks to the Rock Band online community, we have Fake Steven Tyler. He watches you while you sleep, and he steals one sock from every pair you have.
  • Makmende, "Kenya's Chuck Norris"
    • Made all the more interesting in how he came about: "Makmende" is how Kenyans mispronounced "Make my day" when Dirty Harry came out in Kenya. Eventually it became the Kenyan equivalent of Internet Tough Guy.
  • Chris Jericho got this on Twitter.
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic apparently thinks this of Charles Nelson Reilly. In fact, you can see Chuck Norris' head on his trophy wall.
  • "If Chuck Norris had been leading the tanks into Tiananmen Square, that one protester would STILL have tried to stare them down."
    • That man is so badass, his friends had to remove him from the scene due to fear for the soldiers' safety.
  • Luke Schenn can kill two birds with no stones.
  • Chuck Norris voted for Ron Paul in 1988 - twice.
  • Linus Torvalds facts.
  • After Brazilian-Japanese defender Marcus Tulio Tanaka broke Didier Drogba's arm in a friendly match, he quickly became in Brazil "Tanaka, the Myth", with his own set of facts ("Ryu said he would he retire if Tanaka joined Street Fighter!").
  • There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well, it does exist, and A.J. Holmes finds it delicious. [2]
    • Zefron and Taylor Lautner have posters of A.J. Holmes on their walls. [3]
  • Kanpachi, as evidenced here.
  • Neil Patrick Harris sweats Snapple
  • Indian actor Rajnikanth has made a living portraying an over-the-top superhero version of himself. He does it so successfully, he's the biggest star in his sub-industry (Tamil movies). He isn't only popular in South India, though - the Japanese Rajni fan clubs are a source of much amusement in India.
    • Come to think of it, considering the huge number of Tamilian geeks/IT drones/tech support people both at home and in America, it came as a big surprise that Rajni wasn't on this list already.
  • In WW 2 Japan didn't surrender because of America invading, they surrendered because they heard Jack Churchill was invaading. With Bagpipes!
  • In the Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic Matters of Faith, Gendo Ikari sneaks into the NERV restrooms to write "Gendo Ikari Facts" on the restroom stall walls in order to influence the mistique that surrounds him. The lower level employees of NERV eventuallly gather them together into an online list. He's rather pleased that other people have started adding their own "facts" onto the list.
    • "When you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss also stares back into you. When Gendo Ikari stares into the Abyss, the Abyss gets nervous."
  • Daniel Tosh plotted a perfectly good waste. He can beat Super Mario Bros. in his sleep. And he's not speaking metaphorically, mind you.
  • Billy Mays has his own set now. He once interrupted Bill O'Reilly, and O'Reilly apologized profusely for speaking out of turn.
  • LSU football coach Les Miles is starting to get a variant that's half Memetic Badass and half Memetic Dumbass. Examples (included because the linked article is an ESPN Insider exclusive and thus cannot be read by those who aren't signed up) include "runs with scissors around a swimming pool" and "goes south of the border and just to gargle with the water".
  • While not a celebrity by a commonly known name, the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" certainly qualifies.
  • Stephen Fry considers Chuck Norris a "promising rookie."
  • Charlie Sheen is winning.
  • Theodore Roosevelt. Nothing else need be said.
  • Jackie Chan will karate chop you in half if he gets a chance.
  • Big Foot. Just Bigfoot.
  • Morgan Freeman and Christopher Lloyd. God and Doc Brown right there.
  • Eduard Khil (Mr Trololo)]. The part of the video in which he's laughing? That's him laughing at how he will always be more epic than you, Bitch.
  • Chuck Norris wants be a nurse.
  • Tom Baker is involved is so many projects, there are now 7 of him worldwide.
    • Tom Baker has read every book ever printed, even those not on sale yet!
    • Tom Baker doesn't use aeroplanes, he just jumps off tall buildings and flaps his arms.
    • Tom Baker once caught a cold, and kept it a prisoner in his cellar for weeks. When he finally let it go, no other cold germs will come near him!
    • Tom Baker doesn't eat curry, he eats lava straight from a volcano, and his one complaint is its not hot enough!
  • While The Kid wants to be The Guy, The Guy wants to be Chuck Norris.
  • There are rumors that Master Chief is Chuck Norris.
  • To those who saw South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, Brian Boitano.
  • The only thing that can survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris is Brian Blessed's beard.
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