If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

The Emperor of Mankind: About fucking time. I have so many things to complain about.

What if the Emperor of all Mankind in the 41st millennium was given the ability to speak for the first time since 10,000 years? You get If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device, a Web Original series of videos that parodies the lore, characters and pretty much every aspect of Warhammer 40,000. Created by Bruva Alfabusa, it details how the Emperor reacts to being able to speak again and to the current state of the Imperium of Man. Hilarity ensues.

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device can be found here.

Tropes used in If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device include:
  • Badass: Since it reuses a bunch of characters from 40k, this is kind of a given. Although, sometimes the badassery is twisted for comedic purposes.
  • Berserk Button: Kitten hates the Tau.
    • The absolutely appalling show of incompetence that is the modern Empire of Man is this for The Emperor.
    • The emperor finding out that the Sensei, a race of direct descendents of the Emperor who were eventually exterminated by the Inquisition, was a big one.
    • Magnus hearing even a mention of the Space Wolfs or their Primarch, Leman Russ, is enough to send him into a flying rage. Sometimes even if he's just frustrated, he'll shout "FUCK YOU LEMAN RUSS- FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU".
  • Cloudcuckoolander: The Adeptus Custodes, as mentioned below, as well as the High Lords of Terra. Also Kaldor Draigo, who has been raiding the Warp for centuries.

Kaldor Draigo:I too have a beard. Have you seen my beard? It is full of... TINY MEN. Please. Kill them ALL.

  • Crapsack World: Again a given. Part of the comedy comes from the Emperor learning about how utterly and psychotically fucked the Imperium has become.
  • Crazy Awesome: Sly Marbo, who can destroy an entire Dark Eldar invasion through unfiltered batshit.
  • Depraved Homosexual: Some (if not all) of the Adeptus Custodes have gone a bit... Loopy since the Emperor was put on the golden throne. We see only three of them (excluding the Captain General), all of which spend all of the time oiled and half-naked.
    • As of episode 27, it's revealed that not all of the Custodes have gone stripper-crazy, although most of them worship being swole.
  • Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Since the Custodes acquire names based on great deeds and the Captain General is the best of them, everyone just refers to him as "Kitten".
  • Fun with Subtitles: Goes hand in hand with Unsound Effect, with the subtitles being color and later font coded for each character.
  • Jerkass: The Emperor himself, although it might be only his thronebound self, as his mind was splintered when he defeated Horus.
    • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Even though he seems to be quick to anger and to dish out insults, he genuinely cares for the Imperium, his sons, and his subjects.
    • Jerkass Gods: Chaos gods, obviously.
  • Hold Your Hippogriffs:

Kitten:Wait, hold the vox for a second.

Kitten:[After finding out Rogal Dorn is alive after several millennia] How are you here? Didn't you die while trying to stop a Black Crusade?
Rogal Dorn: No.
Kitten: Well... What happened then?
Rogal Dorn: I survived.

Chaplain: Make. Them. Supper!
Space Marine: Alien beans!

  • Old Shame: The Captain General apparently went through a phase where he went about naked just like his subordinates.

Captain General: I could taste the floss...

    • Kitten's breakup with Tau commander Shadowsun was so bad that he refuses to admit it even happened and it fuels his hatred of the Tau.
  • Parody Sue: The Ultramarines, to the suspicion of one of their captains, and to the exasperation of their chapter master, Marneus Calgar.

Marneus Calgar:[Ultra-fuckn'-depression] Holy Emperor... This is shameful... Nothing is satisfying anymore...

  • The Scrappy: In-universe, with Cato Sicarius, who is by far the most obnoxious character in the series, surpassing even Tzeentch.
  • Unsound Effect: A staple of the series, with the sound effects being tailored to the situation or the character. For example, the Ultramarines usually have the word "ultra" tacked to the beginning of their sound effects ("ultra-guffawing", "ultra-disgust"), Tzeentch has every sound effect as a question, given his status of god of change, etc.
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