View source for Evil Overlord List

{{Just for Fun}}
The infamous lists of "Things I'll do if I ever become an [[Evil Overlord]]".

Read them, and you'll be [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]], able to [[Defied Trope|avoid dooms of many villains]]. Fail to read them, and your [[Genre Blindness]] will condemn you to pick up any [[Villain Ball]] you see, perhaps even demoting you to the rank of [[Harmless Villain]], and [[Failure Is the Only Option|failure will be your only option]].

The original '''Evil Overlord List''' was compiled in 1990 by several members of the FidoNet Science Fiction and Fandom email echo. The FidoNet list originated with a 1988 ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'' skit featuring Bond Villains touting a book "What Not To Do When You Capture James Bond". The FidoNet list arose out of discussions regarding what sort of advice might be in that book, and was compiled and published by Jack Butler.

The version reproduced here is the better-known list compiled by Peter Anspach, that sprang out of discussions on the ''[[Star Trek]]'' mailing list around 1994, discussing common cliches that appeared on ''[[Deep Space 9]]''. It started with 25 items and growing into eventually 100 items with several appendices grouped into "Cellblock A" and "Cellblock B". It is no longer updated.

Jack Butler's list can be found [http://legendspbem.angelfire.com/eviloverlordlist.html here], and Peter Anspach's list can be found [http://www.eviloverlord.com/ here]. Both Peter Anspach and Jack Butler acknowledge the existence of each other's lists, that both lists originated independently of each other, and state that their two lists have been so cross-pollinated over the years as to become effectively identical.

The version below and the appendices are reproduced directly from Anspach's site. (Jack Butler's version is reproduced at [[Jack Butler's Original Evil Overlord List]].) The copyright notice has been maintained out of courtesy. 

See also [[Evil Overlord List Cellblock A]] and [[Evil Overlord List Cellblock B]]. If you wish to add points of your own, see the [[All the Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows]]. See also [[Evil Plan]] and [[Stock Evil Overlord Tactics]] for more general information.

If you don't want, or are unable, to be an [[Evil Overlord]], look up [[The Universal Genre Savvy Guide]].

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== The Evil Overlord List ==
# [[Dressing as the Enemy|My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not]] [[Faceless Goons|face-concealing ones]].
# My ventilation ducts will be [[Air Vent Passageway|too small to crawl through]].
# My noble half-brother [[The Evil Prince|whose throne I usurped]] will be killed, not [[Man in the Iron Mask|kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.]]
# [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|Shooting is ''not'' too good for my enemies]].
# [[MacGuffin|The artifact which is the source of my power]] will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my [[Achilles' Heel|one weakness]].
# I will not [[Evil Gloating|gloat]] over [[Death Trap|my enemies' predicament]] before killing them.
# When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you [[Just Between You and Me|at least tell me what this is all about]]?" [[Pre-Mortem One-Liner|I'll say, "No." and shoot him]]. No, on second thought [[Bond One-Liner|I'll shoot him then say "No."]]
# After I kidnap the beautiful [[Everything's Better with Princesses|princess]], we will be [[Altar the Speed|married immediately]] in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
# I will not include a [[Self-Destruct Mechanism]] unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a [[Big Red Button|large red button]] labelled "Danger: [[Schmuck Bait|Do Not Push]]". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a [[Bullet Hell|spray of bullets]] on anyone [[Too Dumb to Live|stupid enough to disregard it]]. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
# I will not interrogate my enemies in [[Bring Him to Me|the inner sanctum]] - [[wikipedia:Extraordinary rendition|a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well]].
# I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no [[Just Toying with Them|need to prove it]] by [[Criminal Mind Games|leaving clues in the form of riddles]] or [[Not Worth Killing|leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat]].
# One of my advisors will be an [[Van Von Hunter|average five-year-old child]]. Any [[Villain Ball|flaws in my plan]] that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
# All slain enemies will be [[Never Found the Body|cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them]], not [[Left for Dead]] at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
# The hero is not entitled to a [[Last Kiss]], [[One Last Smoke|a last cigarette]], or any other form of last request.
# I will never employ [[Time Bomb|any device with a digital countdown]]. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate [[Race Against the Clock|when the counter reaches 1:17]] and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
# I will never utter the sentence "[[Just Between You and Me|But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know]]."
# When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally [[Bad Boss|listen to their advice]].
# I will not have a son. Although [[The Starscream|his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power]] would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
# I will not have a [[Daddy's Little Villain|daughter]]. She would be as [[Mad Scientist's Beautiful Daughter|beautiful as she was evil]], but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and [[High Heel Face Turn|she'd betray her own father]].
# Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in [[Evil Laugh|maniacal laughter]]. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
# I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like [[Putting on the Reich|Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes]]. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
# No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not [[Phlebotinum Overload|consume any energy field bigger than my head]].
# I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way - even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless - my troops will not be overrun by [[Training the Peaceful Villagers|a handful of savages]] [[Rock Beats Laser|armed with spears and rocks]].
# I will maintain [[Nothing Can Stop Us Now|a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses]]. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, [[This Cannot Be!]]! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, [[Not So Invincible After All|death is usually instantaneous]].)
# No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is [[Attack Its Weak Point|completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.]]
# No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, [[I Have You Now, My Pretty|I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.]]
# I will never [[No Plans, No Prototype, No Backup|build only one of anything important]]. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
# My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which [[Karmic Death|I could not accidentally stumble]].
# [[Color Coded for Your Convenience|I will dress in bright and cheery colors]], and so throw my enemies into confusion.
# All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, [[Spoony Bard|no-talent bards]], and [[Lovable Coward|cowardly thieves]] in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of [[Plucky Comic Relief|comic relief]].
# All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
# I will not [[Shoot the Messenger|fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news]] just to [[Kick the Dog|illustrate how evil I really am]]. Good messengers are hard to come by.
# I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear [[Chainmail Bikini|a stainless-steel bustier]]. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
# I will not turn into [[Scaled Up|a snake]]. It never helps.
# I will not grow a [[Good Hair, Evil Hair|goatee]]. In the old days they made you [[Beard of Evil|look diabolic]]. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
# I will not imprison members of the same party in the [[Locking MacGyver in the Store Cupboard|same cell block, let alone the same cell.]] If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
# If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
# If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or [[You Killed My Father|offspring]] anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up [[It's Personal|harboring feelings of vengeance towards me]] in my old age.
# If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, [[Leave Him to Me|nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army]].
# I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an [[Game Breaker|unstoppable superweapon]], I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of [[Holding Back the Phlebotinum|keeping it in reserve]].
# Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those [[Set Right What Once Went Wrong|pesky time-travel devices]].
# When I capture the hero, I will [[And Your Little Dog, Too|make sure I also get]] his [[Non-Human Sidekick|dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around]].
# I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and [[Show Some Leg|she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans]].
# I will only employ [[Bounty Hunter|bounty hunters]] who work for money. [[Psycho for Hire|Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt]] tend to do dumb things like [[Just Toying with Them|even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance]].
# I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," [[The Blofeld Ploy|then suddenly turn and kill some random underling]].
# If an advisor says to me [[One-Man Army|"My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?"]], I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
# If I learn that a [[Kid Hero|callow youth]] has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
# I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the [[What Could Possibly Go Wrong?|control is ever broken]], it will not [[The Dog Bites Back|immediately come after me for revenge]].
# If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
# My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be [[Plug N Play Technology|completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks]].
# If one of my dungeon guards begins [[Pet the Dog|expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell]], I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
# I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any [[Absurdly Spacious Sewer|secret passages and abandoned tunnels]] that I might not know about.
# If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|kill her.]]
# [[Deal with the Devil|I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being]] then [[Faustian Rebellion|attempt to double-cross it]] simply because [[For the Evulz|I feel like being contrary]].
# The [[Red Right Hand|deformed mutants]] and [[Psycho for Hire|odd-ball psychotics]] will have their place in my Legions of Terror. [[Unusually Uninteresting Sight|However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety,]] I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
# My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy|Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters]] will be used for target practice.
# Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully [[Read the Freaking Manual|read the owner's manual]].
# If it becomes necessary to escape, [[We Will Meet Again|I will never stop to pose dramatically]] and [[So Long, Suckers!|toss off a one-liner]].
# [[A.I. Is a Crapshoot|I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.]]
# My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to [[The Password Is Always Swordfish|passwords]].
# If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", [[Sanity Has Advantages|I will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.]]
# I will design fortress hallways with no [[Benevolent Architecture|alcoves or protruding structural supports]] which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
# Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about [[Death Course|flames going through accessible tunnels]] [[Corridor Cubbyhole Run|at predictable intervals]].
# I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all [[Sanity Has Advantages|extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits]] which could prove to be a disadvantage.
# If I must have [[Viewer-Friendly Interface|computer systems with publicly available terminals]], the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
# My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
# No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat [[Insecurity Camera|every surveillance camera malfunction]] as a full-scale emergency.
# [[Save the Villain|I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so]]. However, [[Makes Us Even|the offer is good one time only]]. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
# All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be [[Raised by Wolves|raised by creatures of the wild]].
# When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of [[The Guards Must Be Crazy|quizzically peering around a corner]].
# If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
# If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
# I will not agree to let the heroes [[Chess with Death|go free if they win a rigged contest]], even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
# When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "[[Operation Blank|Project Overlord]]" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
# I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, [[Mook Chivalry|instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time]].
# [[Climbing Climax|If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge]]. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a [[Rope Bridge|rope-bridge]] [[Convection, Schmonvection|over a river of molten lava]] is not even worth considering.)
# [[We Can Rule Together|If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant]], I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
# I will not tell my Legions of Terror "[[I Want Them Alive|And he must be taken alive!"]] The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
# If my doomsday device happens to come with a [[Reverse Polarity|reverse switch]], as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
# If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, [[Sorting Algorithm of Evil|I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress]].
# If I am fighting with the hero [[Conveyor Belt O' Doom|atop a moving platform]], have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
# I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a [[Collapsing Lair|heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure]].
# [[No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You to Dine|If I'm eating dinner with the hero]], put [[Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo|poison in his goblet]], then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of [[The Princess Bride|trying to decide whether or not to switch with him]].
# I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
# I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "[[Mystery Science Theater 3000|Push the button.]]"
# I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
# [[No OSHA Compliance|My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them]].
# If [[Terrible Trio|a group of henchmen]] fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
# After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
# I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
# I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
# If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely [[Heel Face Turn|return to the path of righteousness]]. [[Heel Face Mole|(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)]]
# If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
# When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a [[Orphan's Plot Trinket|useless trinket of purely sentimental value]].
# My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
# My door mechanisms will be designed so that [[Shoot Out the Lock|blasting the control panel on the outside]] seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
# [[Locking MacGyver in the Store Cupboard|My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled]].
# If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they [[Slap Slap Kiss|spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives]] at which point there are hints of [[Belligerent Sexual Tension|sexual tension]], I will immediately order their execution.
# [[Magic Floppy Disk|Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.]]
# Finally, to [[Bread and Circuses|keep my subjects]] [[Tropes Will Ruin Your Life|permanently locked in a mindless trance]], I will provide each of them with [[Tropes Will Ruin Your Life|free unlimited Internet access]].
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{{quote|'''This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.'''}}

{{Evil Overlord Lists}}
{{reflist}}
[[Category:Evil Tropes]]
[[Category:Evil Overlord List]]
[[Category:Books on Trope]]