Affably Evil/Quotes

And though scary is exciting, nice is different than good.

—Little Red, Into the Woods

Rorschach: You killed the Comedian!

Ozymandias: May he rest in peace.

—Watchmen

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a Man of Wealth and Taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you

Hope you guess my name

—The Rolling Stones, "Sympathy for the Devil"

Ben: I'd like you to take a walk with me.
Jack: You say that like you're not going to knock me out and put a bag over my head if I say no.

Ben: Then don't say no.

—Lost

Wednesday, we spill the blood of virgin chickens. Thursday we anoint ourselves in said blood. Friday is, of course, poker night.

—Cultist of Shadow, Fable

Just because I'm an evil scientist doesn't mean that I'm not nice!

—Dr. Wolfgang Amadeus Ratfink von Petal, The Goodies

Now you can't have any of my pie.

—Daniel Linderman, Heroes

I mean, just because I'm evil doesn't mean I have to be rude. It's important to me to be a good host. That's just how I was raised, y'know? We are living in a society, after all. We have rules. Without them, we'd be no better than... than... FOREST IMPS!!!

—Garland, Eight Bit Theater

I have to say, that I quite liked the man. I am ashamed to say such a thing. But had I not been able to see what was happening outside the window I would have said he was very civilised. Odd, isn't it?

—Carl Giles on Josef Kramer, commandant of the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp

At what point did you forget that I am a vampire, Dresden? A monster. A habitually neat, polite, civil, and efficient monster.(...) I Am What I Am.

—Lara Raith, Turn Coat

Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot.

—Hank Scorpio, as commandos storm his Elaborate Underground Base, The Simpsons

Scorpio!

He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth.

Beware of Scorpio!

His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world

And his employees' health.

He'll welcome you into his lair,

Like the nobleman welcomes his guest.

With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!

But beware of his generous pensions,

Plus three weeks paid vacation each year,

And on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!

He loves German beer!

—The Simpsons

O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
My tables-meet it is I set it down

That one may smile and smile and still be a villain.

—Hamlet

Tiana: You mean to tell me this all happened because you were messin' with the Shadow Man?!

Naveen: He was very charismatic!

—The Princess and the Frog

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

—Winston Churchill

He was the mildest-manner'd man that ever scuttled ship or cut a throat.

—Lord Byron

Dr. Watson: You say he was affable?

Sherlock Holmes: A purring cat who thinks he sees prospective mice. Some people's affability is more deadly than the violence of coarser souls.

—"The Adventure of the Illustrious Client"

The Master said, "Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with virtue."

—Confucius

D'Argo: Stay back! Stay back or I swear, I will kill you.

Kaarvok: I don't think that's very polite.

—Farscape, "Eat Me"

Romana I: But he had such an honest face!

Fourth Doctor: Well, you could hardly be a successful criminal with a dishonest face.

—"The Ribos Operation"

I am a sentimental man

Who always longed to be a father

That's why I do the best I can

To treat each citizen of Oz as a son

Or daughter

So Elphaba, I'd like to raise you high

'Cause I think everyone deserves the chance to fly

And helping you with your ascent al-

-lows me to feel so parental

For I am a sentimental man

—The Wizard, Wicked

I know you care about him. I’ve never seen you like this with anybody, so don’t get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil. ... What do you think the Devil’s going to look like? ... Come on. No one’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail. Come on, what’s he going to sound like? (growls) No! I’m semi-serious here. ... No, he’ll be attractive, he’ll be nice and helpful. He’ll get a job where he influences a great and God-fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing. He’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing. He’ll just, bit by little bit, lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit.

—Aaron Altman, Broadcast News

Scorpius: Ka D'Argo, is it? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
(D'Argo leaps out of his chair, brandishing a metal goblet as an improvised weapon)

Scorpius: I am totally unarmed; I bear you no ill will. Perhaps we should... well, reorder, and share a repast...

—Farscape

I'm a psychopath, I'm not rude

—River Song, Doctor Who, "Let's Kill Hitler"

Vivenna: Denth used me. And the worst part is, I still feel like this must all be a misunderstanding. I feel that he's really my friend, and that I should go to him and find out why he did what he did. Maybe we are all just confused. But then I remember the things I saw him do. My friend Parlin is dead. Other soldiers sent by my father, stuffed in sacks. I'm so confused.

Vasher: You're not the first one he's taken in, Princess. Denth... he's a subtle one. A man like him can be evil to the core, but if he's charismatic and amusing, people will listen to him. They'll even like him.

—Warbreaker

Don't believe we've met; Proposition Joe. You ever steal from me, I'll kill your whole family.

—Proposition Joe introduces himself, The Wire

Power tastes best when sweetened by courtesy.

—Roose Bolton, A Song of Ice and Fire