Veep (TV series)/Quotes

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.



Season 1

Fundraiser [1.01]

Amy: Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche.
Amy: So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?
Dan: Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.
Gary: [about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.
Dan: It's a nice bag, Gary.
Amy: You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."
Dan: Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?
Gary: [still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?
Dan: Jesus fucking Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. Oh, it's so easy.
Gary:s so easy. Too quick, I didn't see it.
Dan: Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.
Hallowes: Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.
Selina: I know.
Hallowes: I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.
Dan: [laughs] That's a good one.
Dan: I really admired your primaries campaign.
Selina: Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.
Dan: Two things I would have done differently.
Selina: Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?
Dan: I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.
Gary: Ooh!
Dan: You're the pro.
Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?
Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.
Selina: You want to expand on that?
Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.
Selina: See, I -
Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.
Mike: Just a small change in the speech.
Selina: What is that?
Mike: Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.
Selina: This has been pencil-fucked completely?
Mike: Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.
Selina: That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.
Jonah: Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.
Dan: Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.

Frozen Yogurt [1.02]

Selina: Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.
Gary: I feel like a gecko.
Amy: Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.
Selina: What?
Amy: "Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.
Selina: Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!
Amy: And the country.
Selina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.
Amy: That's why I get paid the medium bucks.
Selina: Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.
Mike: You want to normalize it?
Selina: Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?
Mike: Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.
Amy: Uh ... when was this Two point me meeting with Selina?
Dan: Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.
Amy: Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.
Dan: Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.
Amy: Fuck point you.

Catherine [1.03]

Jonah: Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?
Selina: Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?
Jonah: No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina mocks a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.
Selina: What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.
Gary: She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.
Amy: Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?
Mike: I'm still working on it, Amy.
Amy: Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.
Mike: Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?
Amy: Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?
Mike: Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.
Amy: And there it is.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.
Dan: No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?
Dan: I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.
Senator Barbara Hallowes: Chuck is a gesture all right. Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the fuck is Chuck Furnham?"
Gary: You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.
Selina: Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."
Amy: People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.
Selina: Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.
Gary: [after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.
Selina: FYI, Gary, no shit.
Catherine: You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

Chung [1.04]

Jonah: I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!
Gary: What did you do?
Amy: You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.
Gary: Ooh.
Amy: 7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.
Gary: Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.
Selina: I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.
Dan: I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.
Amy: Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.
Dan: Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.
Amy: Eh- I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Nicknames [1.05]

Amy: You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also fucking dull.
Gary: Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?
Amy: No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.
Mike: You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?
Sue: Am I sure? [stares him down]
Mike: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.
Sue: I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
Selina: [after a secret service laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.
Amy: Inappropriate.
Selina: That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
Amy: I'll see to it.
Selina: Yeah.
Jonah: So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?
Dan: What I"m saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
Jonah: Where is the bread in this place, asshole? And you, you upstate New York dickshit-
Dan: Watch it.
Jonah: Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.
Senator Sidney Purcell: I don't have any children. I have a niece and I fucking hate her.
Amy: How charming. I need to be getting home, so...
Senator Sidney Purcell: You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a fucking disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.
Selina: Viagra Prohibitor? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?
Amy: No. It means that even if a guy uses it...
Selina: ...it doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.
Gary: God, no.
Amy: You said you had thick skin.
Gary: Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?
Amy: No, Gary.
Gary: That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.
Selina: Fuck.
Gary: Okay.
Mike: You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
Dan: Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Selina: Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?
Dan & Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
Dan: Mm-hmm.
Mike: Mm-hmm.
Selina: Who's gonna go first?
Mike: Ladies first.
Selina: So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.
Dan: Sure. This is class genocide.
Selina: This is this um, huh?
Dan: This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
Selina: Okay.
Dan: Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Selina: Wow.
Gary: Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?
Selina: Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...
Mike: My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...
Selina: All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.
Mike: Which way are you gonna vote?
Selina: The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.
Amy: Okay.
Selina: Which way do you think that should be?

Baseball [1.06]

Amy: You okay? You seem to be phoning it in a little.
Selina: You know what, Amy? I'm the Veep I never wanted to be. I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.
Amy: You should really just go and-
Selina: Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.
Amy: Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?
Mike: Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.
Dan: [seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh- Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.
Amy: Thanks for the support.
Dan: So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.
Amy: That is literally your first thought?
Dan: No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.
Amy: Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him Fuck Weasel.
Dan: Wait a second. So- Ma'am- So you're the one who's pregnant?
Selina: I might be pregnant.
Dan: So we're looking at a wedding.
Selina: Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.
Dan: So what do you think is she really pregnant?
Amy: How should I know?
Dan:You’re a woman.
Amy: You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in fucking what the lady matrix?

Full Disclosure [1.07]

Selina: Mike, this is not a story. Collins made a bunch of faces, he was reassigned. That shouldn't be news. How in the hell did this happen? It's the secret service, for Christ's sake. Secret as in shut the fuck up. And service as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the fuck up? We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.
Gary: Selina's had a miscarriage.
Dan: Well, this is good for us.
Amy: Nicely done, Dandroid.
Mike: How is she?
Dan: Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.
Sue: That's deep space cold, Dan.
Mike: Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.
Jonah: (entering the office) White House is in the house. Everybody say way-o!
Selina: (turning away) The skyscraper of shit has arrived.
Amy: Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.
Selina: Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?
Amy: Yeah...
Selina: What?
Amy: Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.
Selina: Are you serious?
Amy: Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.
Mike: Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.
Amy: So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.
Selina: Dan, what do you think about this?
Dan: I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.
Amy: Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to - God, I am so sorry.
Selina: Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?
Mike: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.
Mike: The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.
Selina: Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?
Amy: Sure.
Selina: So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.
Selina: I think that Ted is getting ready to dump me. [Amy shakes her head] What is that... nodding thing supposed to mean?
Amy: No, no, my- processing information. The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.
Selina: Oh, well, once your done buffering, what is it that you're thinking?
Amy: I don't know. Maybe the thrill is gone.
Selina: What do you mean?
Amy: Like the thrill of the whole power thing wore off. And now he just doesn't like what's un-
Selina: Doesn't like what?
Amy: He just doesn't- doesn't really-
Selina: Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.
Jonah: Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?
Amy: For what?
Jonah: Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."
Dan: Oh, that made it in there!
Jonah: Everybody knows this is me, guys.
Ted: Hey, you know what? Thanks for returning my call. The message was, "Please don't fucking call me again." So why don't you just take your beak and shove it up some corpse's ass, okay, you vulture motherfucker?
Selina: Was that a journalist?
Ted: Yes
Selina: Oh, God! What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother!
Ted: Her mother, actually
Selina: What the hell

Tears [1.08]

Gary: The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
Selina: I know.
Gary: We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. [she gives him a look] Or a ballerina or modern dancer.
Roger: Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?
Dan: Actually, my name is Dan Egan.
Mike: Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.
Selina: Are you kidding me?
Mike: Not great, admittedly.
Selina: "Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.
Selina: 'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66 percent disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.
Mike: How you feeling?
Selina: Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea- Let's put me onstage.
Roger: Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People-
Selina: I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!

Season 2

Midterms [2.01]

Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the Vice President on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader. [pause] Yes, Marion, we're all aware of that. Good-bye.
Dan Egan: [regarding Kent Davison] The Pol Pot of pie charts! That guy is ruthless.
Ben Cafferty: [regarding Kent Davison:] He's got ice in his semen.
Selina: Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back. So, number one: what are we gonna do about it? Number two: why am I telling you this news? And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the fucking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.
Statistician 1: You're like Neo.
Dan: Wow.
Selina: What's a Neo?
Statistician 1: He's from "The Matrix." Everything he does is awesome.
Statistician 2: The first movie. The sequels sucked.
Jonah: Guys, we agreed to let "The Matrix" debate lie.
Dan: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
Amy: [to her sister] You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should've been 'no'.
Selina: [very tired, hearing she has interviews to do] Oh, God.
Gary: Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?
Selina: No.
Gary: No?
Selina: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

Signals [2.02]

Selina: [on the phone with her ex-husband] No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March? [quietly to Amy] With any luck.
Selina: Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it?
Amy: I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Selina: Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time. Do you understand that?
Selina: We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Sue: Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Selina: Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.
Amy: He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Selina: Seriously?!
Mike: Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
Selina: That's a good one, Mike!
Mike: Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?
Amy: Christ, it's everywhere.
Dan: Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...
Amy: No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie "5 Broken Cameras."
Dan: Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.
Amy: It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.
Dan: That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.
Amy: She talks about the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression.
Dan: Ouch.
Amy: We have to issue a statement.
Dan: All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.
Amy: No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.
Jonah: Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me. Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president. Please step off to the side. Thank you. Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.
Selina: Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Mike: Oh, here's your ma.
Selina: Hey, you got her? Hi, Catherine. How are you?
Catherine: Hi, Mom.
Roger Furlong: You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a fucking metaphor?
Will: That's a simile, sir.
Roger Furlong: Shut your mouth, you fat girl.
Random Guy: I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.
Dan: Yep.
Random Guy: Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.
Dan: Wow.
Random Guy: Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the "Post" about the hostage situation?
Dan: Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?
Random Guy: Yeah.
Dan: Yeah, I got to do some fucking weights. This is for rubber idiots.

Hostages [2.03]

Kent: All I do is provide POTUS with the polls. Cold numbers.
Ben: God, I hate numbers. I mean there's cultures that don't even have any numbers, and they get along just fine!
Kent: I cook these noodles every day.
Jonah: Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this. [Off Kent's glare] I will leave.
Kent: They need to be heated at 800 watts for 3:35. Any more and they'll dry out, any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.
Amy Why are we talking about noodles?
Ben: No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?
Kent: I'll tell you why. Hostage crisis, noodles, same principle. Both require precision timing, neither should be rushed. Inaction only becomes untenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with casualties.
Amy: So you'd like me to tell the Vice President we do nothing until then?
Kent: Waiting is not doing nothing. I choose to wait for my noodles even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds. But they will thank me because I waited until...
[Kent snaps his fingers at the exact same moment as the microwave dings]
Ben: You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.

The Vic Allen Dinner [2.04]

Kent: You sail, Mike? Have a boat?
Mike: Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.
Kent: Great cruiser.
Mike: Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.
Kent: I've got a Lagoon 380.
Mike: Catamaran?
Kent: Yeah.
Mike: That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.
Kent: You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.
Mike: [to Dan] You still pissed you can't get in with Kent? Nobody can, he's half-robot, half…robot. He's a robot.
Jonah: [about Selina's song 50 Ways to Win in Denver] I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it, and I actually really liked it.

Helsinki [2.05]

Mike: [into his iPhone] Call dickhead.
[Jonah's phone rings]
Dan: More apologizing, really? I apologized less after banging my brother’s fiancé.
Gary: I'm the VP's bag-man. Which I believe in Finland you say: kassi?
Mina Houkenen: Excuse me?
Gary: I'm a kassi.
[People around the table start tittering]
Mina Houkenen: Where did you get this translation from?
Gary: I have a Finnish friend in D.C. who works in the embassy and she gave me a lesson before I came.
Osmo Houkenen: You see, "kassi" is "bag", but it's not, uh, "bag-man". It's a-- a man-bag you know? [makes a grasping gesture]
Mina Houkenen: It is a container. It is a testicle container.
Kent: Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? [Mike looks confused] The fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings?
Mike: I think I caught it on a plane once.
Kent: The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analogue for the modern media. If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.
Mike: And what is exactly going on here?
Kent: I cannot tell you that, Mike.
Mike: Is Selina Gollum?

Andrew [2.06]

Dan: [about Ed] Ignore him.
Jonah: Ignore who?
[They both high-five]
Dan: What's the whole not-drinking thing?
Ed Webster: I'm a Quaker.
Jonah: What?
Dan: Bullshit! No one's a fucking Quaker.
Jonah: You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.
Ed: Jonah, you’re not even a man. You’re like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn’t have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You’re Frankenstein’s monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

Shutdown [2.07]

First Response [2.08]

Running [2.09]

Selina: Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week.
Ben: So thank you very much for your help, but would you quit being so goddamned proactive? What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?
Selina: I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.
Mike: Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.
Selina: You smell that? Money. Hey, Dan?
Dan: Ma'am.
Selina: Have you heard anything about this Danny Chung playlist?
Dan: I just caught that, actually. Some smart stuff on there, too. Nas for the young folks, some Dean Martin for the retirees.
Selina: He just got one of his butt droids to do it, which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?
Dan: Your mix is my command.
Amy: Oh. Dan.
Dan: This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.
Amy: Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone - and just kill the momentum and...
Dan: Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-uh.
Amy: Let's cut the crap. We're both here for Chung.
Dan: So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.
Amy: Don't they both die?
Dan: No, not when they jump. They die at the end.
Selina: Hey.
Mike: Hi. Uh, we told everyone you were delayed. But we're gonna have to cancel this thing, okay?
Selina: No. Mike, what are you talking about? I can't cancel my destiny.
Mike: Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe. Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," you can't go downstairs.
Jonah: Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?
Amy: Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to a invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.
[Jonah is dumbstruck with shock, his mouth wide open]
Mike: You just broke his brain, Amy.
Dan: Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.
Amy: How bad is she?
Doctor: She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.
Amy: Did you give her any painkillers, or...
Doctor: I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.
Dan: I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.
Amy: Ma'am. Uh, how are you?
Selina: Look, Amy, watch this. Look how tiny I can make myself. Watch this.
Amy: But the donor meeting has been cancelled, yes?
Selina: I'm not doing that thing. Seriously, screw all those people. God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on D.C.
Gary: Ooh.
Selina: Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues? Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... It's true. He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face. Can you imagine fucking that guy?
Dan: That St. John's Wort you gave her is reacting with her antidepressants.
Gary: What are you talking about? It's herbal! It's from the earth!
Dan: So are mushrooms, you dipshit!
Jonah: There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?
Amy: Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.
Ben: Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.
Gary: These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.
Selina: Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."
Dan: Come on.
Selina: He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.
Ben: Yeah, of course you do, Jonah. You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.
Selina: All I'm saying is that there are going to be difficult choices to make, you know? Like "Sophie's Choice" choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.

D.C. [2.10]

Selina: Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.
Jonah: But, ma'am--
Selina: You need to fuck off.
Jonah: But, ma'am--
Selina: I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Sue: Thank you so much for seeing me at such short notice, Mr. Davison.
Kent: Happy to, Miss Wilson. I'm an ardent admirer of your efficiency and precision.
Sue: Oh, well, in that case, let's get right to it.
Kent: Excellent. I respect your brevity. It's almost threatening.
Roger: All right, let's get this over with ASAP. It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly piss flap over here who moves like-- hey, what do you move like, Will?
Will: I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.
Roger: That's right.
Selina: Well, I have huge news. In fact, I guarantee you that my news is front-page news. Your news is probably more like a page six, Kardashian crap news.
Ben: He isn't going to run again in two years.
Selina: Are you serious?
Ben: No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.
Jonah: Hey, it's J-Diddy. Ladies get giddy.
Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.
Jonah: Okay.
Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?
Jonah: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Then you can fuck off.
Selina: Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing. So I want to make my speech - a little bit more presidential.
Dan: Yeah.
Selina: Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.
Dan: Ooh, I got something.
Selina: I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.
Science Nerd: You're not the president.
Ben: No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport? Ma'am. POTUS is here.
Ed: Hey, Sue, don't talk to me that way, okay? You're the secretary to the vice president. That's like being Garfunkel's roadie, okay?
Jonah: Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.
Secret Service Agent: Ma'am, the president has left the building.
Selina: Who gives a flying fuck?
Dan: Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, "Oh God, oh God"?
Science Nerd: When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you.
Selina: Oh no, you don't. You want to be president.

Season 3

Some New Beginnings [3.01]

Amy: [to Dan] You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber.
Dan: [as Amy pulls a phone out of her panties] You keep a second phone there? Hypocritical...and horny.
Photographer: One...two...
Amy: Shit on my tits! Maddox just resigned.
Jonah: Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.
Dan: Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?
Jonah: It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.
Dan: You don't think maybe you should take that down?
Jonah: You don't think you should go fist a chimp?
Jonah: Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...
Kent: You're embarrassing yourself.
Jonah: Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.
Dan: He really doesn't.
Jonah: See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan... Fuck you, Dan!
Kent: That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.
Jonah: Sir, did POTUS okay this?
Kent: Get him out of here!
Jonah: You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.

The Choice [3.02]

Gary: About the campaign, I had an idea.
Selina: [handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.
Gary: Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."
Selina: I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.
Dan: You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."
Gary: Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...
Selina: No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.
Dan: No matter how dumb they are.
Guy in boat: Hey, I voted for you!
Selina: Thank you very much, sir! But I’m afraid you have to go to prison!
Dan: We need to pick a number.
Selina: No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.
Dan: I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a fucking t-shirt? Come on! [long awkward pause] I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.
Selina: Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?
Dan: Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.

Alicia [3.03]

Kent: Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Selina: Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.
Selina: I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Ben: Yes, ma'am.
Selina: Right. But they do not own me!
Ben: They really don't, ma'am.
Selina: No, they don't!
Catherine: Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Selina: Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.
Catherine: Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.

Clovis [3.04]

Gary: [holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
Selina: You know what "trim" is?
Gary: Yeah?
Selina: It's twat.
Melissa: Nature is very important to Clovis. Here is some.
Selina: Well how do take care of the roots?
Melissa: Oh, these are synthetic.
Amy: You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
Melissa: We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".

Fishing [3.05]

Joe Thornhill: [on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
Selina: [to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Ben: Got my vote.
Mike: You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.

Detroit [3.06]

Special Relationship [3.07]

Dan: [on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.
Mike: Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"?
Amy: I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.
Kent: [on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.
Amy: Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-Fuck-Off.
Ray: Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
Mike: This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."
Ray: How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."
Ben: Holy fucking Christ. What is that, Ray?
Ray: It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.
Ben: Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.
Ray: I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?
Dan and Mike: Yes!
Selina: What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?
Mike: Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.
Selina: Fuck.
Mike: I know, right?
Selina: I should just go back out there. Did you see that?
Mike: Yeah, I saw.
Selina: Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?
Gary: Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.
Selina: No, they don't.
Gary: Right.
Selina: Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.
Selina: Let's get the merry old fuck out of merry old England. Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. Okay, just more carefully, though, please.
Jonah: Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings—that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh...tiny child balls?

Debate [3.08]

Amy: Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Furlong: Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Amy: Ben, you're Owen Pierce.
Ben: Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Amy: Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Furlong: Don't do the voice, though.
Kent: I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Amy: Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Kent: Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Mike: Oh, well, I'm the hip hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
Gary: She's coming...she's coming...
Mike: I think Gary's about to cum (come).
Amy: If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.
Catherine: Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?
Amy: You're naive. Welcome to politics.
Furlong: Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. Fuck Broadway. This is real acting.
Moderator: Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find in increasingly hard to find work. How would you address this issue?
Ben: Ten bucks he says, "bring back the draft."
Amy: If there is any dirty trick I cannot stand, it is honesty.

Crate [3.09]

Amy: [on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.
Dan: Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.
Ben: Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.
Dan: Amy, I gotta say, you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.
Amy: You do yourself a lot.
Jonah: I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.
Jonah's Mom: Well, can your DC friends help?
Jonah: I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
Selina: Well, there's just... there's just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President...who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for, "victory permafucked." I don't deserve it. You know? Goddammit. I don't, but you do, because you are all losers! Every motherfucking one of you! [pointing to Amy and Gary] Loser! Loser!
Selina: Are you okay?
Kent: Kind of...in a way, and also not. In a third way, both.
Selina: What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?
Kent: Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.
Jonah: Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

New Hampshire [3.10]

Sue: The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.
Selina: Ye.
Sue: You will then acquire the nuclear codes.
Ben: Goodbye, China.
Amy: Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.
Selina: Those fuckers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?
Selina: God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.
Amy: The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...
Selina: I want you to be my acting chief of staff.
Ben: What?
Selina: Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.
Ben: Don't ask me that.
Selina: But I am asking you that.
Ben: It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year, and I didn't even lose any weight from it.
Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?
Ben: Yeah.
Selina: So guess what. I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you. Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.
Dan: You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?
Ben: [looking around] I never said that.
Dan: Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.
Ben: No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn’t telling you what I told you. The fuck stops here.
Jonah: Dan! What the fuck is this?
Dan: What are you talking about?
Jonah: You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.
Dan: Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.
Jonah: I publically denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.
Dan: Ooh, wow.
Jonah: There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.
Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?
Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.
Selina: I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any fuck-up from now on is not just a fuck-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No fuck-ups!
Sue: Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.
Selina: No. Stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.
Dan: Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.
Jonah: What kind of idiot do you think I am?
Dan: Is there a choice?
Jonah: I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.
Dan: Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?
Jonah: Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.
Dan: No. That's that's impossible.
Jonah: Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant.
Dan: Oh, you want a Jonah?
Jonah: Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.
Dan: Shit! I gotta go.
Jonah: You know what? They should be called Dans.
Dan: Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the fuck out of us in the polls.
Selina: Jesus. If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history.
Mike: Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency... No, that won't happen.
Selina: Hey, where is this photo op, Ame?
Amy: It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.
Gary: I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.
Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can fuck anybody I want now, right?
Amy: All the other ones have.
Mike: It's good we won Dixville Notch.
Dan: It's got a population of 12, Mike.
Mike: I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Gary: Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Ben: Well, he didn't win New Hampshire either.
Amy: Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.
Selina: I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.
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