Brian: I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me! How can you not like me?!
Quagmire: OK, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard,
and you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing and you always say "oh I'll get you later" but later never comes! And what really bothers me is
you pretend that you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos.
Yeah, I date women for their bodies,
but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of
Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some
7th grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a
Spoiled Brat and that's why you like him so much. He's you! God, you're pretentious.
And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there was no "a" in the word definite. And I think what I hate most about you is your
textbook liberal agenda on how we should "legalize pot man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America, well what have you done to help?
I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen
you down there! You want to help, GRAB A LADLE! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ.
Oh wait, you don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father.
How is that son of yours you never see? But you know what, I could forgive all of that, ALL OF IT...if you weren't such a
bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big sad alcoholic
bore! [sigh] See ya, Brian. Thanks for the
fucking steak.
