Sam & Max: Freelance Police/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.

You crack me up, little buddy.

Sam and Max comics

  • All the Sam and Max comics are funny, but the one-page Our Bewildering Universe has some of the best:

Sam: Try imagining how far the universe extends! Keep thinking about it until you go insane.

Title: Max's World of Discovery
Max: Here's an experiment you can do! Leave a bag of bread on top of the refrigerator for a long time. It will eventually turn grey and taste bad. Now throw it into the street.

Title: Baffling Animal Wonders
Sam: (pointing at a tapir) Look at that. Isn't it ridiculous? Maybe it will leave if we all laugh at it.

  • During their trip to the Philippines in which the duo finds themselves standing in front of several bizarrely designed buildings.

Sam: Well here we are in the Philippines.
Max: Drawn without reference material apparently.

  • In the same issue cultist are preparing to sacrifice Max to a volcano god. As the head cultist prepares to drive the ceremonial dagger through Max's heart, Max is saved at the last second by the cultist suffering from spontaneous combustion.
  • The rampant Nightmare Fuel on display in "Beast From the Cereal Aisle" is neutralized by one of the funniest lines in Sam and Max history

Sam: I've never witnessed such mind-numbing horror. Well, there was that geriatric nude volleyball tournament.

  • During the road trip in Sam and Max on the Road, Sam tells Max a ghost story about a vengeful spirit who roams the highway looking for victims to tear apart. Immediately after the story ends, Max sees a seven-foot apparition of evil which fits the description of the story. As Max panics the creature jumps on the hood of the DeSoto and begins strangling Max. Then Sam wakes Max up revealing most of it to be a nightmare as Sam comments:

Sam: You're missing all the fun. A seven-foot tall specter of evil appeared in front of the car, so I ran it over. Sounded like a bag of laundry going under. Hope I didn't hurt the tires.

  • In The Big Sleep, Max throws the villain out the window of a hospital. When he looks out the window hoping to see his questionable mortal soul, among other things, dripping out the back of his skull, Max realized the room they were in was on the ground floor.
  • Sam kicking Count Orlok in the face in the Halloween special.

Sam and Max: Freelance Police cartoon

  • From the first episode

Sam: Gee, I don't know anybody who could firebomb kittens...
Max: Here, let me!

  • Upon entering a deserted town by a swamp

Sam: Curious. What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation of the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?
Max: CANNIBALISM! I VOTE CANNIBALISM!

  • From Dysfunction of the Gods, when Zeus towers over Sam and Max, demanding to know who they are. Max pulls a cord in his belly, inflating himself to giant size and bellowing in a helium voice:

Max: WE ARE SAM AND MAX! CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE! TORMENTORS OF ROMAN-FEATURED, BEARDED GUYS IN LOOSE-FITTING JAMMIES!!

  • From Christmas, Bloody Christmas

Sam: The prison showers. If these walls could talk...
Max: *shudders* They best keep their mouths shut.

  • The Vice Squad short (dedicated entirely to crushing stuff in dad's vice).

Max: But remember kids, safety first. Always make sure to wear dad's protective eyewear. *puts on safety goggles*
Sam: Hey! What's this? *pulls out a mine with the label "WW 2 Surplus! Do NOT crush in vice!"*
Max: I can't read a darn thing with these goggles on. Oh well.
(Max then proceeds to put the mine in the vice and then it explodes)

  • And we can't forget this gem from Big Trouble at the Earth's Core

Sam: (after finding out the Earth's core temperature is near explosion levels) DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?!
Max: NO! BUT LET ME GUESS!

  • I don't remember what episode it was from, but this exchange was the episode opener.

Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentified substance, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.
Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct oooor nesting hamsters!
Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws you!

Sam and Max Hit the Road video game

Sam: I can't pick that up.
Sam: No really, I can't pick that up.
Sam: Are you dense? I can't pick that up!
Sam: [Dangerously] Read my lips- I... CAN'T... PICK... THAT... UP.
Sam: I give up.
[Sam bursts into tears.]
Max: Now you've done it! You've broken Sam's spirit with your stupid attempts to pick up that silly object!
[Sam continues whimpering.]
Max: In fact, if I didn't find his pitiful sobbing so amusing, I'd come out there and rip your limbs off!

[Naturally, you try picking up the item again; this time, Sam lets out a choked gasp of horror, and starts crying again.]

Max: Just ignore them, Sam. Maybe they'll go away.

If you have subtitles on, when Max says "pick up that silly object", the subtitles show up as "pick up item #(bunch of numbers)". Also, if you try this during the brief point in the game when Sam and Max are separated, Sam finally says "Look, don't make me come out there!" instead of sobbing, and if you click on the item again, he growls menacingly.
  • The bomb exchange after the opening credits:

Sam: Where should I put this so it won't harm anyone we know or care about?
Max: Out the window Sam! There's nobody but strangers out there!
(Sam obediently lobs the bomb out the window, whereupon it explodes.)
Sam: I hope there was nobody on that bus.
Max: Nobody we know, at least.

Sam and Max: Freelance Police video game series

Season One

Culture Shock

  • When investigating Sybil's "Relax" sign

Sam: That's got to be the least relaxing sign I ever seen.
Max: What about that one outside the barber shop that said "Low Fatality Rate"?
Sam: I stand corrected.

  • The various things you can get the hypnotized Soda Poppers to do in the finale of 101, particularly the "become" commands. "Become me!" "Become yourselves!" "Become the video tapes!"

Situation: Comedy

  • "They're probably hiding a cow!"
  • Max sharing an anecdote on Myra's show about his pal, Sam, and something that happened the other day.

Max: Well, I was battering this purse-snatcher with a broken parking meter and screaming "Die! Why won't you die!" and Sam said, "you crack me up, little buddy!"
Myra: ...The point being?
Max: I crack Sam up!

  • Bosco's attempts to talk like the type of people he's disguised as.

Bosco: (As a British gentleman) Pip pip! Honey Nut Cheerios.

  • Cooking Without Looking

Sam: And with the magic of TV cooking show time... (looks at the casserole he made) you now successfully perverted the laws of God and man.

The Mole, The Mob and the Meatball

  • Seeing what the duo decided to save from their previous case is always fun, but the the best one has to be the memento from 103 (revealed in 104) It's poor Leonard
  • Saying the code phrase "Does the carpet match the drapes?" to absolutely everyone.
  • Max's overly-dramatic fake death during the Shoot Your Mate scene. "O, death, where is that guy Sting?"

Abe Lincoln Must Die

  • In Episode 104, the very first scene, where they use the bug for a Crank Call.

Bug: I. Am. Reborn. I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!
(Max giggles like a schoolgirl)
Sam: You know Max, sneaking the bug into that exorcism was an uncharacteristic stroke of genius.

    • Even better when you use the same bug recording while calling Meesta Pizza:

Max: So what did they say?
Sam: The toppings cost extra, and they're all out of entrails.

    • For even bigger laughs, use the bug when phoning the White House but before recording over the demonic possession speech.

Bug: I will FEAST on your entrails, and DEVOUR your soul!
Agent Superball: I asked you not to call me at work, dear.

  • The War Song, particularly Sam and Max's reactions.

Sam: Well...
Max: Let's never do that again!

Reality 2.0

  • This bit from Reality 2.0:

Bosco: Everyone on the internet has to pick an avatar. Like a dwarf or orc or a hot young 15 year old girl curious about the adult world and willing to experiment.
Max: I didn't think it was possible, but he was actually less creepy as the elf.

    • Speaking of Bosco's half-elf avatar, that one is pretty hilarious too.

Bright Side of the Moon

  • Bosco has spent the season dressing up unconvincingly as various nationalities. Then, when you meet him in episode six:

Sam: Hey Bosc- Oh dear God.
Bosco: (Is dressed as his mother) Haven't I told you boys not to track mud in the store?

    • Speaking of Bosco in episode six, when you start asking the "Do you have any..." gag that was present in all the other episodes, Bosco starts revealing that he has things that would have instantly solved the conflicts from previous episodes in stock. Watching Max just freak out that instead of going through typical adventure game monotony, they could've just bought the stuff they needed, left this troper gasping for air 'cause he was laughing so hard.
      • And after Sam has asked for all previous episodes' objects, he asks for the one you need now... which Bosco doesn't have.
  • This exchange:

Sam: "Knowing you, Bosco, it's entirely reasonable, but how much for the earthquake maker?"
Bosco (without his falsetto): "One hundred trillion dollars."

    • And they actually end up paying it.
  • Sybil's latest job:

Sybil: We have become the queen of Canada!

Max: I thought Rush was the Queen of Canada.

Season Two

Ice Station Santa

  • When they meet Bosco for the first time in Season 2 and they react like they saw the worst Bosco disguise EVER.

Max: Claw out my eyes Sam! I can't stand to look at it!
Sam: Not if I claw out my own eyes first, little buddy.
Bosco: I'M NOT WEARING A DISGUISE.

  • Bosco's paranoia about the package that was delivered to him.

Bosco: Does my package sound like it's ticking to you?
Max Not your best pick up line.
Bosco I think my package is the bomb!
Max: Now THAT'S a pick up line!

  • In Episode 201, Ice Station Santa, Sam and Max are forced by the Spirit of Christmas Past to atone for stealing Jimmy's boxing glove in the previous season. The only way to return the glove to him in the past is to steal it from him in the present, creating a confusing Stable Time Loop. This completely fails to solve any of the problems you've caused him, except for his wife leaving him - because Sam kidnapped her in the past to get him in a position to take the glove from him in the present. And yet the Spirit still considers the debt repaid!
  • The Friendly Demon Song. Particularly some of the alternate lyrics you can have Sam sing.

Moai Better Blues

Night of the Raving Dead

  • "I never knew vampires were so... fruity."

Chariots of the Dogs

  • From Chariots of the Dogs:

Sam: how you get those DNA Samples?
Momma Bosco: Isn't obvious?
(Sam and Max stare at the camera)
Momma Bosco: Saliva, fools!

    • Also from Chariots of the Dogs:

Bosco: They're just waiting to probe us and turn us all into freakish animal/human hybrids!
Max:: Bosco! Sam is standing right here!

Max: You... JERKS!
Sam: You made us go through the last year and a half all over again!

  • When Sam is trying to convince his preteen self to be more out-going, young Sam insults his weight. Present Sam then pulls out his gun, only stopping when the time elevator AI brings up that he's about to cause a paradox.
  • When you need to bring Mr. Featherly from the beginning of the universe to one of the Mariachis, Sam literally shoves him into his jacket (to his protests), takes him out when he needs to, shoves him back in, and continues to keep him in his inventory for the entire rest of the game.

What's New Beelzebub?

  • When Sam tries to mess around in Hugh Bliss's cubicle to sole a puzzle:

Sam: Distract Hugh Bliss for me!"
Max: Oh dear, I seem to be completely naked. I hope I don't have to bend over provocatively and-
Sam: That's enough Max.

  • The bachelor party:

Flint Paper: Hey guys! you're just in time for the stripper!
Max: Oh boy! [The Monster comes out] OH GOD!

    • Also from the Bachelor party scene after drinking the fruit of knowledge cider:

Mr. Featherly: I'm naked!
Bosco: I'm naked!
Max: I'M NAKED! ...oh, I thought we all just saying that.

    • And:

Sam: ...Who's up for a conga line?
(beat)
Max (Raises hand) "...I am!"

  • HELL'S A-POPPIN!
  • After escaping Sam's personal Hell:

Satan: What the devil? That Hell was practically inescapable.
Sam: Sorry, Satan. Your demon impostor was no match for the true power of friendship and cooperation!

Max: Plus I ripped out his kidneys.

  • The reveal of the Soda Poppers as the villains in Season 2 has them demonstrating their new demonic powers to Sam & Max. Each Popper has a power related to his shtick. After a demonstration of Specs and Peepers more mundane powers, Whizzer goes last, enthusiastically telling the heroes that his power is, "It burns when I pee!" and then proceeding to drop his fly and then fire a literal stream of flaming urine at them!
  • In episode 205, Harry Moleman talking about how it's kind of tiring having to do his entire job as Death alone, and commenting about how having an assistant or a partner would make things a lot easier.

Sam: (look at Max, then back at Harry) Yeah, that's what you'd think, at first.

  • Peepers seducing Sybil. No description or series of quotes can do this sequence justice.

Season Three

The Penal Zone

  • Using the wedding ring with Max.
  • And when using your gun on Skun'kape's guards.

Sam: Hey monkey, I'll give you this cool gun if you let us through.
Space Gorilla: Scram.
Max: Really, Sam? That's the best you could come up with for "use GUN with GORILLA?"

  • Almost the entire conversation with Momma Bosco.

Momma Bosco: But I gotta get my body back. I miss touching things.
Max: Yeah! Touching is my third favorite thing to do to things.
[long pause as both Sam and Momma Bosco look at Max with slightly disturbed expressions]
Max: In case you were curious, second is licking.

The Tomb of Sammun-Mak

  • "NO! NO! NO! COWS DON'T EAT COOKIES!"
    • (completely deadpan) "No, no, for the love of God, no."

They Stole Max's Brain

Beyond the Alley of the Dolls

  • During the seance in 304.

Harry: Uncle Morty? Is that really you? Your voice sounds funny.
Max, Impersonating Morty: I'VE GOT A COLD.
Harry: In Heaven?!
"Morty": And WHO said I was in HEAVEN?!
Harry: Uncle Morty, if that's really you, then tell me the secret you took to your grave!
"Morty": Harry...my stamp collection is hidden...
Harry: Yes?
"Morty": In the attic...
Harry: YES?
"Morty": OF THE STATUE OF LIBERTY! (Lightning crashes)

Sam: Do you know anything about these Sam clones running around?
Bluster Blaster: THOSE ARE REAL?!?!
Sam: Uh...Yeah?
Bluster Blaster: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!
Max: I'll take that as a no.

  • In Beyond the Alley of the Dolls, when you have to help Flint interrogate Stinky, the sole apparition of the Interrogation System wheel left me with the need of go and get a drink for the whole laugh.
  • Reading Sal's mind when he's enhtralled by the Clone Master.

Sal: La da daa, waiting for the master's orders.

The City that Dares Not Sleep

  • When Sybil goes into labor:

[Sam and Papierwaite/Norrington stare at her, wide-eyed].

Norrington: Pennies?!

  • The Reveal in the middle of The City That Dares Not Sleep was funny in its own way. As Sam goes for the door, the action freezes and the scene transits to the Narrator, who begins to recap the mystery of who the true Big Bad is. As he's doing this, a door suddenly opens in the background, revealing Sam coming into the room.

Narrator: Do you mind? I'm right in the middle of... oh, now you've ruined it.

  • Junior Max's Sailor Moon pose.
    • What makes this even better was that it was supposed to be Voltron based. The developers wanted to do an 'anime' pose (anime being used loosely) and one mentioned Sailor Moon. This somehow got heard by another employee and thus they decided to Throw It In.
  • How about this coversation from The City That Dares Not Sleep?

Narrator: Oh, very well. I suppose you've forced me to come clean. Sam, I am actually an agent of a much higher power, appearing only to you and Max, to guide you in times of crisis. I believe you mortals would refer to me...as an angel.
Sam: Wait...really?
Narrator: Of course not! That would be stupid! I am the manifestation of the superego of a psychic rabbit detective mutated into a gigantic beast by a toybox filled with powerful toys from another dimension! Sometimes, the simplest answer is the correct one."

  • Any of the character freezes in Season 3. Mainly Sybil's in The City That Dares Not Sleep, where the list of her previous occupations goes completely off-camera.
    • Abe Lincoln: Four score and seven ton of raw power.
  • In episode 305, when Sybil tells Sam how she and Abe consummated their marriage, Sam's mind (and the screen) literally shuts down in order to avoid permanent psychological trauma.
  • When tries to get the Cthunic destroyer from Skun-kape, one of the options is telling him to hand it over and not make things any harder for himself. Skun-kape replies "since coming to this miserable planet, I've been pulled through rock, shot at, attacked by mole men, pummeled by clones, and shot at by an overzealous pulp detective. How could things possibly get harder?
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