Red Dwarf/Funny

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Series 1

The End

Future Echoes

Balance Of Power

  • FISH!
    • "I've been fished to death!"

Waiting For God

Confidence and Paranoia

  • This exchange:

Rimmer: What's more important, a man's life or your smegging lunch?
Cat: That doesn't even deserve an answer.

  • A line from Confidence and Paranoia that never fails to get a cackle from me:

Confidence: Ding dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beeeeeer milkshakes!

Me2

  • The entire scene at the end where Rimmer laments about Gazpacho Soup day. After Lister promises Rimmer that he would never bring the topic up again, Rimmer suggests that they go and have a drink. Lister's response: "Souper".
    • Even better when you see the Smeg-Ups version, where they just kept the camera rolling, and all the actors cracked up giggling.

Series 2

Kryten

  • This quickfire dialogue qualifies:

Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Already have.
Lister: Encore.

Better Than Life

  • Better Than Life; the game that gives you all of your fantasies. And Rimmer breaks it.

Rimmer: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive by killer ants.
Cat: Why?
Rimmer: Why not?

  • Or earlier during the same episode. Rimmer, in the game, finally sees his father.

Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say--
Rimmer: Yes?
Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... you're a total smeghead!

Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy!

Cat: No, it's mine. (steals Rimmer's cigar and exits.)

  • And between the two:

Lister: Rimmer, how did you fantasise having seven kids and a mortgage?

Thanks For The Memory

  • This:

Lister: Do you know what I fancy right now?
Rimmer: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's?

Stasis Leak

  • Any time when Past Rimmer sees anything from the future, leading up to two separate nervous breakdowns. One of which involves thinking Hollister, dressed up as a chicken, is a hallucination, and the other involves responding to three Listers, two Future Rimmers, the Cat and Kochanski showing up in his quarters arguing.

Rimmer: THREE Listers! Splendid! Perhaps Lister here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a glass!
Rimmer: Before anyone says anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech: GO AWAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

Queeg

  • Holly revealing that he was Queeg all along.

Parallel Universe

Series 3

Backwards

  • Three words: Backwards bar fight.
    • One word: Unrumble!
  • Not to mention the Cat's bathroom break at the end of the episode.
  • "Do you think Wilma's sexy?"
  • This epic exchange during Kryten's driving test:

Rimmer: (pointing in book of space roadsigns) What's that one?
Holly: (looking out of the window) A time hole!
Rimmer: Don't help him!
Kryten: (also looking out the window) It's a time hole!
Rimmer: No, it isn't! It's nothing like a time hole!
Holly: It's a time hole!
Kryten: It is! It's a time hole!
Rimmer: A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space and time. Whereas that (pointing in the book) is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova! That (pointing out of the window) is a time hole! Right, what's this? (turns head slowly to rapidly-approaching time hole)

Marooned

  • Lister and Rimmer talking about how they lost their virginity:

Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard.
Rimmer: Skateboard. How old were you?
Lister: Twelve.
Rimmer: TWELVE? Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Twelve? ... You can't have been a full member of the golf club then.

    • The same conversation continues with Rimmer describing how the only thing he lost when he was twelve were his favourite shoes:

Rimmer: Porky Roebuck threw them in the school septic tank behind the rugby pitches. I cried for weeks. I was wearing them.

  • Also Holly's lines at the end of the episode: "Well, the thing about black holes..."

Polymorph

  • The scene where the polymorph turns into Lister's underpants... and then Lister puts them on. Kryten then has to pull off the contracting underpants while still wearing his groinally-attached vacuum hose. The underpants are really tiny when the thing is done.
    • To top the cherry, Rimmer walks in half-way through and silently watches Kryten and Lister's struggles - which, to the unaware observer, might look like something a bit kinky - with a look of pure disgust on his face. Then, when they're finished, he merely says "Well, I can't say I'm totally shocked."
      • The audience apparently found this so funny that they kept on laughing for 10 minutes, forcing Chris Barrie (Rimmer) to wait until they had calmed down to deliver his line.
  • They then top this when they show them trying to organize, post-polymorph attack, a final assault, each with a different negative emotion sucked out. One acronym: C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
  • ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI?!!!

Bodyswap

  • From Bodyswap: Rimmer steals Dave's body and escapes in Starbug, but crashes, leading to this memorable exchange:

Rimmer steps out into the doorway, his jacket is torn below the shoulder.
Lister You've lost me arm!
Rimmer I've lost your watch too.
Lister You Bastard!
Rimmer No you're right. It's my fault. My hands are up... well my hand is up.
Lister You think this is funny?
Rimmer No. But this is.
Reveals that the 'missing' arm was behind his back and makes obscene gestures with both hands.

Timeslides

The Last Day

  • "Human heaven? Goodness! Humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone just made that up to keep you from all going nuts!" And, one of my absolute favorite Dwarf moments: "Well at least he gets 24 hours notice. That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is 'Mind that bus' 'What bus?' SPLAT!"
  • At the end of the episode: "I knew something he didn't - I was lying! 'No silicon heaven', that's just absurd! Why, where would all the calculators go?"

Series 4

Camille

  • "Small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!"
  • "He's a smeeeeeeeg... heeeeeaaaad!"
  • "You taught him that?! That's terrific! You two should audition for 'What's My Fruit?'!"

D.N.A.

Justice

  • The climax of this episode has the crew being chased by a homicidal android into an area called the "Justice Zone", leading to a confrontation between Lister and the crazed Simulant on a walkway. While the two of them meet to discuss terms under a supposed truce with no weapons, it turns out the two of them have been lying through their teeth:

Simulant: Guess What? (Produces a knife from behind his back) I lied.
Lister: Guess What? (Produces a steel pipe from behind his back) So did I.
Simulant: But I lied... (Produces an assault rifle from behind his back) Twice.
Lister: (Pause) Didn't think of that.

  • Shortly after this, the Cat whacks the simulant around the head with a shovel. As they are still in the Justice Zone and the consequences of any crimes committed happen to the perpetrator instead of the victim, you can guess what happens next.
  • Kryten's "The Reason You Suck" Speech is a close contender, as he proposes that Rimmer could not be deemed guilty of any crime as he is far too incompetent to be responsible for his actions.
    • Especially when Rimmer objects to Kryten's defense, which Kryten presents as further evidence of his point.
      • Kryten calmly and politely telling Rimmer all the reasons why he would hate himself for over a minute. And then complaining about Rimmer interrupting him halfway.

White Hole

  • The repeating time scene was truly outstanding, especially as they came to realize it and struggled to overcome the random time skips and repeats, not helped by the Cat's inability to focus, so that after several repeats and finally deciding on a plan (or at least a way to get a plan):

Cat: So what is it? (the start of the loop talk for the Nth time)
Lister: Oh, somebody punch him out.

  • From the same episode the reveal that Lister used a trick shot, and the toaster's constant badgering of people for well, toast, even in the face of an impending disaster. Or using something 6 ft long, fairly sturdy, with a flat top, or Rimmer's sneering dismissal of Captain Oates, revealing what he would have done were he Scott. Frankly the whole episode was like a Crowning Moment for the series.
  • There's also Rimmer's reaction when asked to sacrifice his life for the rest of the crew.

Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.

  • The best part was right at the end when time is all put right and the Reset Button is slowly causing everything to revert back to what it was before, and Kryten uses the fact that they won't remember anything to deliver one last awesome insult towards Rimmer.

Kryten: We'll cease to be here, because none of this will have occurred. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf before all this began, with, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them. In which case, Mr. Rimmer, sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever BEEN MY MISFORTUNE TO ENCOUNTER!!! Ha!

Dimension Jump

Meltdown

  • This scene:

Lister: Hang on, these guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one who looks like Al Capone, there's one like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon! Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been gathered together in one place. Oh my God, there's James Last! I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection!
Cat: What are they doing?
Lister: They're all just lining up in...in some kind of firing squad. (sounds from outside) Whoa, whoa, 'ang on, 'ang on, someone's being brought out! They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh!
Cat: What?!
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
(gunfire)
Lister: (slumps to the ground) That's something nobody should ever have to see.

"RASPUTIN! Bring forth the bucket of soapy frogs and remove his trousers!!"

"RASPUTIN! Put him in the skin-diving suit with the bottom cut out, and unleash the rampant wildebeest!"

Series 5

Holoship

  • The whole "Binks to Enlightenment" scene from "Holoship", but especially the moment when, after Lister finishes talking into his cigarette box, he eats the cigarette that's sticking out.
    • In the Smeg Up for this scene, Lister adds:

I don't know why I f^$@%ing ate that cigarette

The Inquisitor

  • From the end:

Kryten: "I do believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir."
Lister:" Give you five? I can do better than that." *Holds up severed hand* "I can give you fifteen."

Terrorform

  • Lister thinks a tarantula (actually one of Kryten's hands) is crawling up his leg, and is too scared to talk so he types out requests for help:

Lister: > Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula [sic]
The Cat: You're playing that dumb adventure game.
Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest
The Cat: Then buy a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard. That's what I usually do.
Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
(The Cat looks down, then starts typing)
The Cat: > It has an eye the size of a meatball
Lister: > Kill it
The Cat: > How?
Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
The Cat: > I'm scared
Lister: > YOU'RE scared. How d'you think I feel?
The Cat: > You haven't SEEN it!

Quarantine

  • The entirety of the episode, but here's the exchange that kills this troper:

Ax Crazy hologram: Hello, My name is Dr. Hildegaard Langstrom, and I am quite, quite mad.
Rimmer: Are you really? How absolutely splendid!

  • "Mr Flibble's very cross."
  • Kryten gets an ax in the back, and takes the Non Sequitur Thud to the next level. Watch it here (Start at 1:10).

Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think that's un-amiss?
Lister: Well we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
The Cat: Could we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
The Cat: The King.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah, a little three-seater.
Rimmer: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?

  • Holovirus-Rimmer is what everyone seems to remember, but the three other Dwarfers get some pretty good moments just by being stuck together in the quarantine chamber before learning how crazy Rimmer's gone.
  • This exchange:

Rimmer: ..And fulfilling all Space Core dietary requirements, dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of sprout soup, followed by sprout salad, and for dessert, I think you'll like it, rather unusual, sprout crumble.
Lister: Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chuck.
Rimmer: Well this is awful! I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal! [shakes head] I tell a lie, it is every meal!

Kryten: There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now. *Beat* {{[[[Fonzarelli Fix]] whacks scanner}}]
Kryten: .... It's never done that before. Stupid cheap damn Martian power packs...
The Cat: (freaking out) So what's the news?
Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up... shakes scanner a few more times Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live!

Demons And Angels

  • Kryten is looking in the Low Red Dwarf fridge. "Eugh, toastie toppers. Cinema hot dogs! Oh, sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out! Ugh!"
    • Then they find the Lows' videos.

Cat: "Look at this movie collection. Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monsters. Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head.

Back To Reality

  • Kryten, Lister and Cat are dosed with a despair-inducing toxin while inside a "seeding ship" at the bottom of an ocean while Rimmer remained aboard Starbug:

Rimmer: [There's something large] Directly above you, about 2000 fathoms and diving.
Lister: Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?
Rimmer: I was lying. It's only 1000 fathoms.

  • When we first see the crew out of the hallucination, during the 'car chase'.
  • The Cat's alter ego Dwayne Dibbley. Any time. Every time.
    • The first time it happened, he was so shocked that he did nothing but say "Dwayne Dibbley?" at intervals for five or ten minutes.

Series 6

Psirens

Legion

Rimmer: Step up to red alert.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure; it does mean changing the bulb.

  • Not to mention this exchange:

Rimmer: May I remind you all of Space Corps Directive 34124?
Kryten: 34124: No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.

  • "...The light switch."

Gunmen Of The Apocalypse

  • Four words:

"I am Tarka Dhall..."

Polymorph II: Emohawk

  • "I'm just gonna go and slip into something more comfortable. It's called Starbug."
  • "CHANGE OF PLAN! LEEEEEG IIIIIIIT!!!!"

Rimmerworld

Out Of Time

  • From 'Out of Time:

Lister: Tea up, sirs.
Kryten: (realizing he made a dreadful mistake) Sir I -
Lister: (walks in with a cover over the tea set, then removes it to reveal a model of a house with ...) What chu think of the picket fence?

Series 7

Tikka To Ride

Lister: Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
Kennedy: You mean, assassinate myself?
Lister:It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it out.

Stoke Me A Clipper

Ouroboros

  • "It's an obscene phone-call sir. I think it's for you."

Duct Soup

Blue

  • The "Rimmer Song" which is equal parts hilarious (the lyrics) and terrifying (the visuals).

Beyond A Joke

  • Kryten stalking Lister and the gang and setting various traps for them in the virtual Pride and Prejudice, before finally just blowing them up. With a tank.

Kryten: Is there any confusion as to the supper situation? No? Excellent!

Epideme

  • After Kochanski cuts off Lister's right arm:

Lister: My left arm! My left arm, I said! That's my right! What kind of navigation officer can't tell right from left??

    • Also, this exchange:

Kryten: D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have to accept that I'm going to have to get to like you at that. I mean, you do annoy me to some degree but...
[[[Beat]].]
 Kryten: MISTER LISTER!!!!

Nanarchy

Series 8

Back In The Red

  • Anytime Rimmer doses himself with the Sexual Magnetism Virus. Cue the porn guitar!
  • Starbug accidentally flying into a giant rat, briefly getting stuck and carrying it with them. Then Holly deadpanning: "Hope we don't get stopped by the cops. They don't like it when you're rat-arsed."
  • We find out how Hollister got his commission:

Capt. Hollister: "I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the ship's confidential files, and is using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know, I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew find out I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut boy, I'm finished."

  • Rimmer's extra-special salute. It takes about a minute to complete.
  • Lister, Cat, Kochanski and Kryten disguise themselves as the Dibbley family using mop-heads and false teeth. Take a look...

Cassandra

  • "A-one! A-two! A-onetwothreefour!" "You are the sunshine of my liiiiife..."

Krytie TV

  • This troper's favourite Red Dwarf moment ever:

Rimmer: "Sorry to keep harping on about this, but what about..." *pretends to have forgotten for a moment* "... 'THE APPEAL?!?!?!'

Pete

  • The delayed fight, where Rimmer and Lister feel the effects of getting beaten up much later, while in the Captain's Office. The flying leaps make for some good physical comedy, even if Series 8 is unpopular.

Only The Good…

Back To Earth

Smeg Ups

  • Any and all moments from the outtakes, which include Chris Barrie doing random impersonations of Lester Piggott, every kind of screw-up on the part of the cast, and Craig Charles taking abuse from everyone.
  • A particular moment, during the filming of Terrorform, where the Dwarfers are taking a boat through a swamp. Craig Charles stands up in the boat (trying to light his cigarette on one of the flame jets coming out of the swamp) and we hear the stern voice of one of the crew:

Crew Member: Craig!? Craig - Craig, don't bugger about!
Craig Charles: *in a high-pitched voice* Nehnehneh, don't bugger about!

Commentaries

Danny (impersonating Doug): Yeah, it's funny because the word "quarry"'s funny.
Bobby (impersonating Doug): Yeah, what's funny about filming in Morocco? No!
Chris (impersonating Doug): Although we don't say the word "quarry", it's still funny, yeah.

  • Mocking the dark lighting in which Danny becomes invisible. It turns out they had the contrast turned down.
  • Some of the "alternative" cast introductions are hilarious:

Chris: Hello, I'm Chris Barrett, the star of Red Pilot.
 Craig: I'm Craig David.
Danny: I'm Daniella Westbrook.
Bobby: And I'm Roberta Lou-Ellen.

Novels

  • One from the novels: When Lister and other recruits meet Holly for the first time and are allowed to test his knowledge by asking him anything:

They all began shouting questions: "Who was the ... ?" "How many ... ?" "When did... ?" and, one by one, Holly got them right.
Finally Petersen asked a question. "Why is the room going round and round?"
"Because you're drunk," said Holly.
"That's riiiiight!" Petersen clapped, delighted.

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