It's My Life/Characters

Everything About Fiction You Never Wanted to Know.


Protagonists (the future)

Marrissa Roberts

A Mary Sue protagonist, Marrissa Roberts starts out as a test subject within "Portal Labs" until Glaods reveals that she is in fact Chell's sister with speshul powers and promptly sewisides. Then Marrissa starts gradually fucking up the entire Portal canon and the entire world which is ultimately turned into a battle arena between her and her evil clone.

Tropes:

Misspellings: Marrisa Robers, Marissa, Marrisser, Marrisssa

Wheatly

Marrissa's love interest, Wheetly is a robot ball in charge of the "relax hotel" before ascending to power and being shot into space by Chell. From there Glados and Marrissa find him and Marrissa brings him back to Portal Labs, where he is involved in a love trangle between Marrissa and Chell, teams up with Atlas and P-Body against Marrissa and dies. From there Marrissa brings his past self to the furture and eventually with Chell dying Whaatly merries Marrissa and they have a robot ball-human hybrid child, "Chell Jr.".

Tropes:

  • A Day in the Limelight: Two chapters of ITS MY LIFE! and one of TEEN FORTRESS 2 are written from Wheelty's POV, but that should not be taken as a sign of good writing: (From The Half World MSTing)

Wheatley’s POV is worse than Marissa’s. Not only do we have to endure the OOC-ness and the misuse of British slang, we also have to endure the Sue getting praised.

Misspellings: Wheetly, Whaatly, Wheelty

Chell

This fic's take on Chell is a brain-damaged woman on whose head the only thought is booty-quaking (though, upon becoming a zombie she seems to be smarter and the whole brain damage thing may be orchestrated by GLaDOS). However, minus brain damage, she is a fairly nice woman and knows that GLaDOS is evil.

Misspellings: Cheel, Schell

Doug Rattmann

The author of the eponymous "the cake is a lie" phrase, Rattmann is a rebel soldier of GLaDOS and the fusion CHELLGaDOS until Marrissa came back from the future.

Tropes:

  • Balls of Steel: Complete with a reference to Duke Nukem Forever. The balls themselves are "Space and Rick cores".
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Just before being shot into space, Rattmann tells a story about how Gabe Jonson couldn't have children with GLaDOS normally (even though Marrissa and Wheatly can) and instead made Marrissa and Chell artificially, but DNA was all mixed up and Rattmann's DNA was used instead of Gabe's for one of the tubes, which would mean Rattmann is in fact Chell's biological father.

Misspellings: Ratman, Rtaman, Rat Man

Oracle Turrent

A fairly knowledgeable self-aware turrent, Oracle Turrent knows of Marrissa's speshul powers and aids Wheatly in Marrissa's ressurekshun. He then appears once more to get Marrissa and Wheatly married, but beyond that doesn't play a big role in things.

Misspellings: Orca Turrent

Antagonists (the future)

GLaDOS

In this verse, GLaDOS is the evil computer system who, upon learning her origins, becomes a goth emo who listens to Avril Lavinge and My Kemical Romace and attempts sewisiding. However, she doesn't quite succeed, is sent to Adroid Hell and returns, and starts causing more mess.

Misspellings: Glados, Glaods, GlaDOS, GLados, GLadOS, GlADOS, Glads, GLaDON, GLADS

Atlas and P-Boy/P-Body

These robots are given an entirely different backstory in ITS MY LIFE! from the canonical works. It's explained that in the past Marrissa accidentally left drugs and beer with them, turning them into jerks who became obsessed with beating her up and eventually killed her.

Tropes:

  • Drugs Are Bad: A living example.
  • Magical Abortion: How do you have an abortion when you're in Portal Labs anyway?
    • Actually you just need someone to assiram you in the stomach.
      • Later it is revealed it wasn't an abortion after all, and Atlas and P-Boy gave birth to Atbod and P-Las, who Marrissa and Wheatly sent to fight alongside Scot.
  • This Is for Emphasis, Bitch: Used in almost all of their lines. ("Hi bitch we are here to test you.")

Misspellings: Altas, Atals, P-Bod, P=Boy, P=Body, [-Body, P-Doy

Andord Hell zombies

A bunch of zomboys left in Androod Hell, including the big zombie boss from Resident Evil. They are mostly forgotten for most of the story until Assirram opens a portal to Andord Hell and uses the zombies as her own army in taking over the world.

Tropes:

CHELLGaDOS

Chell's and GLaDOS's fusion after Chell's butt was sliced off and GLaDOS decided to install her head into where Chell's butt was, making this more evil than ever fusion.

Tropes:

  • Split Personality - While the GLaDOS part is noticeably the one in control, Chell briefly takes over to reassure Marrissa that she needs to be killed.
  • Take a Third Option - When Marrissa faces a dilemma of whetter CHELLGaDOS needs to live or die, she decides to make a black hole and only take GLaDOS's pieces out. However, Chell has suffered fatal damage from being fused with GLaDOS and dies shortly thereafter.

Misspellings: CHELLGAODS

Assirram Strebor

Marrissa's evil clone made by the evil Teen Fortress 2 to go to the future and kill Marrissa, Assirram shortly after being made changes her plans to taking over the whole world and Marrissa is the only person who can stop her.

Tropes:

Misspellings: Assiram, Assram

The past / "Portal High School"

In the past, the line between protagonists and antagonists blurs and therefore is not defined here.

Gabe Jonson and Caroline

Gabe Jonson (who eventually renamed himself to Cave "in onor of his dead brother") and Caroline were students of "Portal High School" until future Marrissa and Wheatly came over, and Marrissa's and Chell's adoptive parents. They (for high school students) are fairly rich, judging by the fact that Caroline has her own commode and a double-sized bed, while Gabe can afford to build a super-advanced AI in his house over an afternoon.

Later, Gabe Jonson died only to be rescued from Androd Hell by Marrissa only to be killed by her powers, and Caroline was turned into GLaDOS and corrupted by a computer virus by Assirram, making a full-fledged Face Heel Turn.

Misspellings: Cabe Jonson, Gave, Karolin, Karlion, Karolen, Karlins, Carline, Carlion, Caralion, Caroloin

(Good) Teen Fortress 2

Gabe Jonson's friends at the senior grade of Portal High School, they really are nothing more than a team of nine characters (however, it is never mentioned if they are RED or BLU until the end, when "Bluman" recruits them and "Redman" makes their clones) from Team Fortress 2. They are able to fight on their own, and are fairly smart.

Misspellings: Teen Fortes 2, Teen Tortes 2, Teen Fortres 2, Heevy, Solder, Medik, Demonman, Demomon, Demonaman, Demoan, Ingineer, Ingine, Snipper, Snaper, nIper, Sniepr

Scot "Scout" Parker

Scot is the class in TF2 the author considers the most important, and the main character of the "TEEN FORTRESS 2" fan fic.

Not much is known about him, but what Marrissa told about him contradicts what Valve told about him: he is described as a dog/human hybrid from "Florda" (instead of Boston, Massachusetts) whose eight (rather than seven in the canon) brothers were always eating his homework and forcing him to do theirs. He also had a girlfriend "Katty Smithereens" who was named after Marrissa's real life friend of the same name, owns a baseball bat nicknamed "Marrissa" and escapes from his house to the Portal High School after killing his oldest brother "Wulf".

Tropes:

  • I Call It Vera - Scot names his baseball bat Marrissa, and doesn't know why, because the reason is actually in the future.
    • That also means we have Marrissa the Author/"Writer", Marrissa the Character and Marrissa the Baseball Bat.

Misspellings: Scoot

Tanya "Pyro" Lockwood

Pyro is called the second most important class of TF2, and is Scout's girlfriend.

It is revealed that she is in fact a girl in Chapter 2, when Scot accidentally enters the wrong bathroom and sees one of the naked girls putting on a suit. She and Scot then become lovers and the rest is yet to be seen.

Misspellings: Piro, Pryo

Katty Smithereens

A escaped zoo Koala that Sniper and Scot find while walking to school. Sniper decides to keep Katty as a pet and Scot names her "in onor of his dead girlfriend". Katty can apparently speak to Sniper because he's Australian and thus knows koala language somehow...

Tropes:

Spy

Spy is madly in love with Caroline and attempts to rape her and is expelled. Later he returns to save Caroline from Cave Jonson but fails and in utter despair commits "sewiside".

He is also described as having a hideously deformed face full of "cancerous plimples, greesy marks, a brand that says "SLOOT" an experimental hair".

Tropes:

Other classes

Other classes are less important and detailed, but several facts are given about them:

  • Ingineer is the smartest guy among of Teen Fortress 2. He passed the time travel exam and is capable of building a time machine.
  • Heevy's gun "Sasa" was raped by football players in the past, which makes him fight against any rape he sees.
  • Snipper is Scot's best friend, and they live together after Scot escaped from his hose. He has a pet koala named "Katty Smithereens".
  • Solder had a sort-of-girlfriend Jenny Weasley, however it turned out she was an undercover agent from Britain on a mission to "assinate" Mr. Sanpe. She left him once Sanpe was killed.
  • Demoman also has a girl with a similar status, Gaz, who was close to breaking up after she was annoyed that he was addicted to "drugs and beer", but Scot managed to fix him and they went back to being lovers.

Cave Jonson and Evil/"Bad" Teen Fortress 2

Gabe Jonson's Evil Twin and his self-made clones of Team Fortress 2, these are the main antagonists of the events taking place in the past.

Misspellings: Cabe Joneson

Doug Rattmann (the past)

In the past, Doug was working with Gabe Jonson after he renamed himself to Cave, and helped him build GLaDOS.

Tropes:

Wheatly (the past)

Wheatly was originally a guy from Britain named Harry, who had a girlfriend Jenny who was sent to Portal High School to kill Mr. Sanpe. During the course of the events he went undercover, changed his name to Wheatly, and altered his appearance to "tall with blond hare an gassses an like nerd" but got amnesia and forgot his name was ever Harry, which followed him being turned into a robo ball and sent to the future.

Now has an article on the Harry Potter Fanon Wiki. [dead link]

Tropes:

  • Moe Anthropomorphism - Of the robo ball from Portal 2.
    • This also leads to Brain Uploading orchestrated by Cave Jonson (the evil twin).
      • Actually, in Marrissa's canon Wheatly remained mostly organic. All that happened was the skeleton and one eye were removed, somehow making his body ball-shaped, the other eye was enlarged and the skin was turned into metal. He even got to keep his testicles.

Portal High School teachers

Only three teachers from Portal High School were ever named:

  • a History teacher Mr. Pursell who is described as "dumb" and blushes from love notes directed to someone else; Chapter seven implies that he is actually Steve Purcell, creator of Sam and Max.
  • a Math teacher Mr. Sanpe (lol) who is given a slightly longer backstory: he used to be a teacher in Britain but he killed the principal and escaped the judgment so he came to teach at Portal High School and changed his name only to be killed by Jenny Weasley. He therefore was very pissed off at everyone, especially hermaphrodites, and used to give Scot a lot of F's;
  • another Math teacher, "Mr. Logik Edtor" / Mr. Logik, who does not hurl abuse at the students, but fails to make the class interesting.

Tropes:

Portal High School principals

During the course of TEEN FORTRESS 2 Portal High School faced a principal change.

The first principal seen was called "Principal GLaDOS". She is revealed to be Caroline's mother and the idea for the name of Caroline's robotic body. She was killed by "Dog the Bownty Hunner" shortly after making an appearance, and was replaced by the Business Magnet/"Man", who is a pretend gangster hippie, and likely the last principal before Gabe/Cave bought out Portal High School and built Portal Labs in its place.

Tropes:

Caroline’s mother is named Genetic Lifeform and Disc Operating System?

What were Caroline’s grandparents smoking?

Misspellings: PRINSIPAL GLADOS, Princinipal GLaDOS, Primpal GLaDOS, Buisness Man

Cameos

Real life

MarissaTheWriter

The author of this whole mess, MarissaTheWriter is a Fanfiction.net fellow, and really nothing more than the author of this whole mess.

Tropes:

  • Cloudcuckoolander - As mentioned on the main page, Marrissa has some rather... odd ideas about things.
  • Creator Breakdown - In later chapters, especially in TEEN FORTRESS 2, Marrissa becomes increasingly angry in her author's notes and the spelling will at those times get even worse than usual. She's also started writing in the various "Falmer Trolls" as some form a revenge, derailing the main story to work in things to annoy them. TEEN FORTRESS 2 also has even more nonsensical plot twits and a lot of Gorn compared to ITS MY LIFE!
  • Genius Ditz - The Half World blog points out several pieces of evidence that Marrissa might be smarter than she lets on.

With It’s My Life, it’s ridiculous right out the gate. The author slipped in an Atlas Shrugged joke in chapter 1, and right after that followed it up by using Ayn Rand’s name in place of the words “and ran”, which seems cleverer than your average terrible fanfic writer. It’s over-the-top and in-your-face crazy right from the beginning.

So, no, I don’t think there’s solid evidence that MarissaTheWriter is a troll, but I think behind the stupid Cloudcuckoolander mask is someone more intelligent than they’re letting on.

Logic Editor / Matthew Riggs

Marrissa's beta reader. He has currently beta-read Chapters 7 to 9 of TEEN FORTRESS 2, and was working on an M-rated "better" version of ITS MY LIFE!. However, Marrissa disliked what Logic did to her story, and Logic himself had disappeared off the Internet. He did make a return, and became a Homestuck fan, but it is unlikely he will return to beta-reading. He was a cool editor, though.

Tropes:

  • Better Than Canon - This is his intention. You decide if it is really better or not.
  • IKEA Erotica - Logic added a sex scene, even though Marrissa was against it.
  • The Mole - Even though he's "working for" Marrissa, he let slip his Skepkitty fandom while beta-reading Chapter 9. He even wrote chatting with Skep (who turned out to be a bully further in the original story) into the chapter.

Misspellings: Logik Edtor

Reel fans

Presumably sarcastic, these reviewers of ITS MY LIFE! seem to praise the story and are the only reason Marrissa keeps writing ITS MY LIFE!.

This group, according to Marrissa herself, comprises of ASBusinessMagnet with a satirical comic series Sweet Chell and Hella Marrissa [dead link] and, way later, a followup trollfic he refers to as Portal: The 4th Millennium: The Trollfic Edition, "Not" Cat Bountry with the Dramatic Reading and Selphuerel, who has done nothing other than praising the story with the reviews. (Though, Cat Bouncy recently has quit praising the story, and is not reading TEEN FORTRESS 2.) Among the other notable fans of the story is also Arrow-Awesome with two fan stories MarissaxChell and Portla 3.

Falmer trollz

These reviewers are the Only Sane Men within this whole mess, and, obviously, are being of a bad opinion about the fic. Notable people belonging to this faction are Skepkitty of The Half World, the members of Telltale Fanfic Theater 3000 and the other MSTers, as well as bad reviewers.

They got a cameo as a gang of bullies that failed their graduations and were eaten quite unceremoniously.

It should be noted that this term is in fact interchangeable with "constructive criticism guys", because they could tell the problems with the story more loosely and be regarded as trolls.

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