What you don't want is a situation where there is a hidden agenda on either or both sides. Everything should be up front and on the table... like with the Hemlock/Roderick marriage. [...]
It's vital. Too many people marry the person they think their partner will become. They have some sort of idea that a marriage ceremony is somehow magical. That it will eliminate all the dubious traits and habits their partner had when they were single. That's about as unrealistic as if you had expected Aahz to stop being a money-grubber or to shed his temper just because you signed on as an apprentice. Anyway, when their partner keeps right on being the person he or she has been all along, they feel hurt and betrayed. Since they believe that there should have been a change, the only conclusion they can reach is that their love wasn't enough to trigger it... or, more likely, that there's something wrong with their partner. That's when marriages start getting bloody. At least with Queen Hemlock's proposal, nobody's kidding anybody about what's going to happen.
In many cases, the targets of narcissists et al volunteer for this thankless position hoping things will magically change someday. This is especially true of people who have codependency issues.
Common rationalizations include: She’ll grow out of it once she becomes a mother. He had such a tough childhood. She just has low self-esteem. She’ll become more secure once she learns to trust me and experiences love. All of his exes were abusive. He just needed to be with someone who really appreciates him. She doesn’t mean the stuff she says when she’s angry. That was the alcohol talking. She’s just stressed about the wedding. She’ll feel more secure once I propose. I just need to be more patient, more loving, make more money, take on even more financial responsibility and not have appropriate emotional responses to being abused and he or she will treat me better.
Many codependents are aware of the disordered person’s issues going into the relationship. However, they believe they can help, rescue, save or love the narcissist, borderline or psychopath into becoming an emotionally mature adult who is capable of reciprocating love, kindness, generosity and respect.
This doesn’t happen. Ever. You’ll have just as much success trying to change a rattlesnake into a golden retriever.
