"Love means never having to say you're sorry." "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard." from What's Up Doc?
Don't forget the climactic chase scene.
Or the court scene after that.
Noises Off is full of these from beginning to end, most of them coming from the inestimable Carol Burnett, but one in particular stands out as having made this editor come close to sliding out of his theater seat onto the floor from laughing so hard:
Mrs. Clackett: Sardines, I've forgotten the sardines--" (notices the plate next to her on the table) "No I haven't, I remembered the sardines. Well what a surprise! I guess I'll go into the kitchen and make meself some more sardines to celebrate.
Also, "I thought you was in...Sardinia!"
And "Am I in Spain? No I'm not in Spain, I'm in agony, that's where I am!"
Then there's the entire middle third of the film, which follows the complex (and nearly wordless) mayhem going on backstage during a performance.
Quite a lot of the dialogue in U2's film Rattle and Hum qualifies, but the interviews before and after the film's version of Desire are absolutely priceless, in this troper's opinion. "Well, it's a musical journey..."
There's also the moment when Adam is giving a long and rambling speech about the artistic merits of their current album -- but everyone else is watching Larry instead, who's sitting next to him and imitating all of the random hand gestures Adam is making throughout (before finally just pretending to wrap an imaginary present and tie it in an imaginary bow).
Bob Uecker's performance as sportscaster Harry Doyle is the single best reason to watch the Major League movies. This troper's personal highlight comes from the second film:
Obviously Taylor's thinking...I don't know what the Hell he's thinking!
Also: "Welcome back to Major League Baseball. Sort of."
And from the first movie:
Doyle: The Indians had no runs on one hit...one hit? That's all we got, one God-damn hit?!
'Color Guy: You can't say that on the radio! Doyle: Ah, nobody's listening!
In "Guest House Paradiso", Richie repeatedly corrects the mispronunciation of his surname, Twat (it's pronounced "Thwait"), and when someone gets it right, he corrects them to "twat". The Crowning Moment of Funny comes later when the same character (Gina) talks to him again:
Parodying the scene in Spider-Man where Norman realises Peter is Spidey is this unexpected gem from Superhero Movie:
Lou Landers: (Norman Osbourne) We have to go. Aunt Lucille: (Aunt May) Why? Lou Landers: (Norman Osbourne) (A beat as he tries to think up an excuse) I just... shat my pants.
From Clean Slate, when Dana Carvey's character stumbles into the middle of a speech and is forced to improvise because the original speaker never showed, and because there's a thug on his trail, sitting in the audience waiting for him to finish. At one point, there's a map of Africa displayed on the screen behind him, and Carvey explains the map to the audience like this:
Pogue: Well, we started here." (He points to a dot, then moves to the next.) "Then we went here, here, down here, over here, here, here, and ended up here.
Well, you certainly made it very clear how your legal system works Mr. Young. Now, I'd like to explain a little bit about the Peter Blunt system. You see, I don't go in for lawsuits and motions or any of the legal stuff. No, no, you see what happens is, uh, I find out where you live and then I come to your house, see? And I beat down your door with a fucking baseball bat! And, then I make a bonfire with the Chippendale, maybe roast that Golden Retriever, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, then eat it! And then I'm coming upstairs, junior, and I'm gonna grab you by your Brooks Bros. P.J.s, and then I'm gonna take your brand new BMW, and cram it up your tight ass! Do we have an understanding?
The "penis cookie" scene in Death to Smoochy. Rainbow Randolph's freak out after Smoochy tries to pretend it's a rocketship is priceless:
Rainbow Randolph: What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a PENIS! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
Wet Hot American Summer. "I want you inside me! Oh, um, hey... from before..." is the first of many.
Baseketball: You're excited? Just feel these nipples!
"ROADKILL:Caught On Tape!"
Remer staring up at a bird on a branch.
Doomsday. The cancan dancers. In fact, that entire sequence, but the cancan was what tipped it over the edge.
There was also the fact that the song playing was "Good Thing," by the Fine Young Cannibals. Guess what everyone snacks on five minutes later? Then the person-roasting contraption came with the little labeled settings "Rare," "Med," and "Krispy," and the leader, his strippers, and the cancan dancers are passing these little plastic plates to the crowd like it's a fucking school barbeque...
There's a Bentley with the good guys in it. There's a bad guy on top of the car trying to get in. There's a bus blocking the road. The protagonist speeds up and goes straight through the bus. The bad guy's head gets cut off in the crash, and comes sailing still-screaming out of the subsequent explosion to crash into and splatter all over the goddamn camera.
Roberto Benigni's Johnny Stecchino is basically one big laugh riot, but two moments in particular stand out in my mind. The first is Dante at the theater, taking all the bananas. The second is the whole sequence with the Cabinet Minister, which stumbles right through most of the movie's Running Gags and sets off a few Chekhovs Guns in the deal.
He also had several good moments in Down By Law, playing a man with only a sketchy grasp of English. In one scene, he sketches a crude shape on the wall of his shared prison cell:
Roberto: See, it is a window. Please, I can never remember. Is it "looking at the window", or looking through the window? Jack: Well, Bob, in this case, I'd have to say it's looking at the window...
There's also the moment where he ends up leading first John Lurie and Tom Waits, and then an entire prison, in gleefully shouting, "I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream!"
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle Go To White Castle: They find the runaway cheetah and take time out of the night for the three of them to get stoned.
Or Kumar's dream sequence where he imagines dating, having sex with, marrying, and domestically abusing a gigantic bag of marijuana.
And their scenes with that ugly tow truck driver guy with the hot wife. "I heard everything you just said."
From the sequel, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle Escape from Guantanamo Bay: When the old woman sees Kumar sitting some seats ahead of her, she briefly imagines him with a beard and turban, laughing at her, and imitating an airplane with his hand, falling out of the sky and making an explosion sound.
The scene where Neil Pattrick Harris does musrooms and has a vision of himself on a unicorn. Even better, he's being questioned by a police officer the entire time. Not once does the cop even suspect that anything is wrong.
The movies of Stephen Chow, regarded as the master of comedy in Hongkong cinema.
Kung Fu Hustle: Stephen as the protagonist Sing stands up against the Beast, and as a result is beaten within an inch of his life, to the extent that his head is halfway into the floor - despite this, he manages one Last Act of Defiance and picks up a piece of rubble with one hand, giving the Beast a knock on the head with the bit of strength he has left.
Earlier in the movie, Sing and his fat partner's attempt on the Landlady's life with throwing knives goes so horribly wrong it must be seen to be believed.
"What, have you never seen an ice cream thief before?"
Shaolin Soccer: "Why did you make yourself look like an alien?... Go back to Mars! Earth is very dangerous!"
Also their replacement goalie's CMOA appearance is ruined when she walks into the goal post... of the other team.
The opening of From Beijing with Love, a merciless spoof of 007 movie openings, culminating in a silhouette of Stephen shooting one of the writhing female forms several times.
From the 2001 crime/action film Bandits-
Terry:(Suddenly wakes up) BEAVERS AND DUCKS!
The little girl (who is actually Bruce Willis' daughter) burping.
The scene where Kate hits Terry with her car, and accidentally hits him again with the car door when he tries to get up.
Tampopo: The ramen-making training montage, and Tampopo fainting on seeing the pig's head.
Slither, Brenda pregnant. She literally looks like a gigantic human beach ball. And then she explodes into a tsunami of slugs. Alternately, the Soundtrack Dissonance scene with "Every Woman In The World," finishing over the Mayor chowing down on an arm.
Bill Pardy, upon first seeing the Grant-Monster: "Ho...ly...shit."
Gran Torino: practically every scene Walt disses on someone. One of the best:
Walt: You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan, just walk out with Miss What's-her-face. She likes you, you know? Though I don't know why! Thao: You mean Youa? Walt: Yeah... Yum Yum... yeah... nice girl... nice girl, very charming girl... I talked with her... yeah. But you, you just let her walk out right out with the Three Stooges. And you know why? 'Cause you're a big fat pussy. Well, I gotta go. Good day, pussycake.
From Thunderheart: "That's a rock, these are ray bans!".
Down With Love: The er....suggestive Split Screen phone call between Ewan McGregor and Renee Zellwegger and the entire conversation about men's socks.
David Hyde Pierce: Let's be accurate. Make sure you've got it fully extended. Have it up the whole way. Ewan McGregor: It stays up all the way all day long, man! That's the miracle I was telling you about: better living through chemistry! You've got...16 inches. David Hyde Pierce: 16 inches! How long does a man's hose have to be? Ewan McGregor: That's 32 inches of confidence in every step. Don't forget, I've got two of 'em!
And Renee Zellwegger's character giving The Summation in about a minute at eighty miles an hour.
And Ewan McGregor's facial expression after said Summation.
The Incredible Hulk: Betty Ross getting angry at a NYC cab driver. With Bruce telling her that he knows how to calm down!
Betty: You just zip it!
Split Second, the Rutger Hauer Scifi movie set into the far future of two thousand and eight, after witnessing the killer tear through a metal wall: "We need bigger guns!"
In the film of Get Smart, Maxwell Smart infiltrates the enemy base and is confronted by the Big Bad's henchmen.
Siegfried: How do we know you're not CONTROL? Maxwell: If I were CONTROL, you'd already be dead. Siegfried: If you were CONTROL, you'd already be dead. Maxwell: Well, neither of us are dead, so obviously I'm not from CONTROL, am I?
(Beat.) Shtarker:That actually makes sense...
It does; Let proposition A represent Max is CONTROL, B represent Siegfried is dead, and C represent Max is dead. The propositions A implies B, and A implies C, may be accepted as true; since neither B nor C are true, A cannot be true. The logic is sound, even if the assumptions aren't.
Lycus: I'll kill him! I'll kill him! Crassus: Who? Lycus: The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome! Crassus: Oh, Pseudolus.
There's also the gut-busting reprise of "You're Lovely" in which the male character pretending to be Philia has to be reassured that his crossdressing will fool Miles Gloriosis. What makes it even more hilarious is that it parodies the original's "Falling in Love" Montage shot for shot with two men, one of them in very unconvincing drag.
While The Proposition isn't necessarily the happiest filmin the world, Nick Cave still shows he has a sense of humour when Officer Dunn shoots his toes off, and Officer Stanley, asleep in a chair, jolts awake and runs to see what just happened...straight into a closed door.
Starsky and Hutch: Will Ferrell as the prison inmate with the dragon fetish.
Alright guys, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna get kinda weird... Two dragons.
Short Circuit: Nearly everything Benjamin says is hilarious ("So instead of $11 million on the loose, we have $22 million." Ben: "And plus, we are needing gas money!"), but one line stands out:
Benjamin: Newton Crosby, you must make instantaneous appearance! Crosby: *makes a piano-playing robot hand flip him off* Benjamin: Is that a yes, or the number of your intelligence quotient?
The scene where Johnny 5 dismantles that guy's car (in about 10 seconds), lays the pieces out in order, drops the manual and says "simple!"
Hamlet 2 isn't the funniest film but the "Raped In The Face" song is worth listening to.
This troper thoroughly loved Hamlet 2 and can testify that it is better than it sounds. There are many gems of hilarity to be found.
Death At A Funeral. The entire movie is one big one, all the scenes with Alan Tudyk or Peter Dinklage have them, but the biggest one has neither of them, right before Credits Roll.
Uncle Alfie:Why is everything so FUCKING GREEN?
Another good one is when Martha first finds out that Simon is stoned. Funniest background ever. Also, when Peter is found to be alive, and the expression on Simon's face is the ultimate "I KNEW IT".
The whole window cleaning platform scene from The First Wives Club, especially the part where Duarto has to divert Morty's attention from the window.
The Devil's Brigade, for a war film, has a bunch of them during the unit's first combat mission. With nary a shot being fired and minimal casualties (on all sides), the sequence includes two truly funny bits.
A German officer commanding a small detachment and having two of the soldiers at a time peeling off to stand guard...only for each pair to be taken down in turn by the Canadians and Americans, the last pair as he's still walking. He turns around to issue his final orders and has a completely stunned expression as all of them have simply disappeared.
Throughout the entire sequence, they cut to scenes of the garrison's commanding officer getting out of bed, having a bath, dressing, eating a civilized breakfast. And then he goes out on the balcony and sees his entire force neatly assembled (some half naked, having been captured in the shower) as prisoners and the Allied captors with the biggest shit-eating grins imaginable.
Arsenic and Old Lace: Jonathan has Mortimer tied up and gagged and is about to torture him to death when Dr Einstein finds the poisoned wine and suggests a toast. Just as he and Jonathan are about to drink, Teddy blows a loud bugle signal outside, making them both jump and drop their glasses... and Mortimer goes right back to looking terrified.
Igor: Blind orphans? She's evil! Which is good, but--blind, orphans?
Most considered Renée Zellwegger's Oscar for Cold Mountain a Consolation Award. This troper found her so hilarious he considered it a deserving prize (highlights: decapitating an annoying rooster with her bare hands and "So, you have never wrapped your legs around this Inman?").
Hamburger the Motion picture: when the class is running the restaraunt and the little girl tries to steal the cookies, prompting every on of them to instruct her, so politely, to return them at once.
Titanic 2 - an elevator full of passengers is about to descend to the lifeboats. Another passenger runs up and tries to force his way in... and is promptly punched out by a steward. Especially given the rest of the film, it was hilarious.
In the Loop: Toby Wright has just been balled out by his boss, Simon Foster, for oversleeping and turning up to the end of a meeting, obviously hungover.
Toby: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it? Simon: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
The deleted scene where Simon brings it up again while Toby is eating a stolen pastry:
Toby: It's like being Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, and you can see all the Oompa-Loompas and you think, where is the actual confectionary being made? Nobody's singing... Simon: But you're eating... Toby: I'm- Simon: ... And eating, and eating. Toby: I've had two bites... Simon: (Deadpan) Ladies and gentlment, Stinky Man is going to burst in and entertain you with his Danish Pastry-eating! He can eat ten Danish Pastries in as many seconds, in front of the Assistant Secretary of State of the United States of America! Toby: The Assistant Secretary of State of the United States of America put the pastry in front of me in the first place! Simon: No she didn't, you grabbed it like some starving Victorian urchin! Toby: It was on a table designed for the people of the meeting of which I- Simon: Oh, shut up, Toby.
Tombstone: The Cowboys watching a juggler perform. "Professor Gillman? I seen him before in Bisbee, he catches shit!" "Hey professor, catch this!" (Shoots one of the clubs out of his hand)
In Empire of the Sun, Basie says he'll "bet his life", indicating his copy of "Life" magazine.
Bye Bye Birdie: Albert sneaking his speed pill to a conductor who then conducts Tchiakovsky's "Sleeping Beauty" at a very fast speed...the poor ballet dancers!
Evil Dead II has Ash being beat up by his own hand.
The Party. Peter Sellers. Trumpet playing. That's all.
He discovers the PA system with the oscilloscope. Birdie num-num. Howwwwdy partanar!
The Tall Blond Man With One Black Shoe - he's a violinist in an orchestra, he's in an affair with the harpist, who is married to his friend the tympanist - suspicions form, they're all on pins and needles at a concert playing Mozart's 40th Symphony, missing their cues, playing the wrong tune, and driving the conductor mad.
The plot of the movie has him marked as a decoy agent by an intelligence head to get his in-house rivals to expose themselves pursuing him. At the airport he's being surreptitiously photographed by several agents while he has a big piece of chewy candy in his mouth - every picture they take of him has his face contorted as the candy sticks in his teeth.
Starballz is an odd film... but it does have the line: "When I fuck a garbage can, I gotta fuck it in the ass." Delivered seriously.
The 2004 adaptation of The Punisher, starring Thomas Jane, when the Cold-Blooded Torture of an unfortunate Mook is revealed to be a farce to scare him into talking. Frank has the man upside from the ceiling as he lights up a blowtorch and describes in great detail what will happen to him as the superheated flame touches his body: he'll smell burning meat and won't feel pain, at first, but rather a terribly cold sensation as the nerves die. He then walks behind the mook, roasts a steak with the blowtorch and begins jabbing him in the back with a popsicle.
