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{{trope}}
{{quote|'''Otto Palindrome:''' Palindrome here, sir; sorry to disturb you.
'''The Head:''' That's alright. I was just, as usual, thinking.
'''Otto Palindrome:''' Sir, we've got a bit of a headache down here.
'''The Head:''' Don't tell me about headaches, Palindrome.
'''Otto Palindrome:''' No, sir.
'''The Head:''' I wrote the book on headaches!
|''[[Quark]]'', "Pilot"}}
A [[Stock Phrase]] commonly used when a character complains or brags about something, to which another character disregards their comment by saying something around the lines of "Don't tell me about that, I [[Wrote the Book On It]]!". There are two distinct contexts in which this gets used:
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{{examples}}
== Film ==
* From the 1974 film ''[[Herbie Rides Again]]'':
{{quote|
'''Lawyer:''' Now, Mr. Hawk...
'''Alonzo Hawk:''' Oh, shut up! We'll start on Number 1 - Harassment! And I wrote the book on harrassment - We'll shut up her phone, turn off her water; we'll sic the Health & Building inspectors on her, steal her dog. }}
* From the 1999 film ''[[Teaching Mrs. Tingle]]'':
{{quote|
'''Mrs. Tingle:''' Who do you think you're fooling? You're so scared I can smell it. Your fear is the most predictable thing about you. You've lived your whole life in fear. Terrified of making a mistake; Scared to death you won't get that A, that ticket out. Afraid you'll never escape your mother and her name tag. Or your father who won't return your calls. That's why you shunned Luke and every other boy who has ever tried to put his hands on you. You're afraid of getting that bad seed. Afraid of giving birth to a child you never wanted. A child you could only blame for your own wretched existance. Stuck in a small town with a small name. Destined to become that very thing you despise the most. I know all about it, Leigh Ann. I wrote the book! I know you. }}
* From the 1994 film ''[[The Pagemaster]]'':
{{quote|
* From the 1989 film ''[[The Punisher (
{{quote|
'''Jake:''' Because I know what it's like to be given up on.
'''Sam Leary:''' Who gave up on ''you''?
'''Jake:''' Everyone and myself. You know how most cops like to go out for a drink after work? Well, I kept moving on up... to the drink ''before'' work, the drink ''during'' work, and finally the drink ''instead of'' work. It got to be a real problem; nobody wanted to deal with it, least of all me. Before I knew it, I was down to cleaning empty shells off the firing range. Then along came Frank Castle, ex-Marine commando with a shiny new police badge, and a request to learn from the man who wrote the book on busting bad guys: me. He helped me get my act together, and the rest is history. }}
* From the 1990 film ''[[The Grifters]]'':
{{quote|
* The "I invented" variation is used in ''[[The Santa Clause (film series)|The Santa Clause 3]]'':
{{quote|
'''Jack Frost:''' I invented chill! }}
* Played with in ''[[Patton]]'': General Patton knows that Rommel literally wrote the book on tank warfare, so he reads it and uses that knowledge to [[Batman Gambit|predict what Rommel will do]] at their first big showdown.
{{quote|
* In the film of ''[[
* ''[[Discworld]]'':
▲== Literature ==
** According to
{{quote|
**
* Inverted in ''[[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (
* In ''[[Tortall Universe|First Test]]'', [[The Stoic|Keladry]] actually grins when she finds out the textbook on Yamani manners being used in her etiquette class was written by her father, the former Yamani ambassador. When challenged by her instructor, she tells him that [[Serious Business|it's not uncommon to be executed for bowing the wrong way.]]
* In the second book of ''[[The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel]]'', Machiavelli uses this. He gets to say not only that he wrote the book, but that he did so four hundred years ago.
▲== [[Live Action TV]] ==
{{quote|
▲* From the episode "'Twas the Fight Before Christmas" of ''Mccloud'':
▲{{quote| '''Kate O'Hannah:''' New York is the coldest city in the world to be in... when you're alone.<br />
▲'''Sam Mccloud:''' Hey, why don't you tell me about it, I wrote the book. }}
* From the episode "The Return of Bigfoot" of ''[[The Six Million Dollar Man]]'':
{{quote|
'''Jamie Sommers:''' Tell me about it. I'm the one who wrote the book on partial memory, remember? }}
* From the episode "That's Show Biz" of ''[[
{{quote|
* From the episode "Revenging Angel" of ''[[
{{quote|
* From the episode "The Best of Both Worlds: Part Two" of ''[[Star Trek:
{{quote|
'''Captain William T. Riker:''' No.
'''Guinan:''' Oh... Then let me just say that... our relationship is beyond friendship, beyond family. And I ''will'' let him go. And you must do the same. There can only be one Captain.
'''Captain William T. Riker:''' It's not that simple. This was his crew. He wrote the book on this ship.
'''Guinan:''' If the Borg know everything he knows, it's time to throw that book away. You ''must'' let him go, Riker. It's the only way to beat him. The only way to save him. }}
* From the episode "There Might Be Blood" of ''[[Gossip Girl]]'':
{{quote|
* From the episode "Hothead" of ''[[Smallville]]'':
{{quote|
* From ''[[Friends]]'':
** In the episode ''The One Where Ross Moves In'':
{{quote|
'''Larry:''' And where is your hat?
'''Monica:''' It's in the kitchen. I'll go get it.
'''Larry:''' And ''there's'' the two points.
'''Phoebe:''' Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. }}
** In the episode ''The One With Rachel's Sister'':
{{quote|
'''Rachel''': Please! I ''invented'' that! }}
* In the episode "The Reunion Job" of ''[[Leverage]]'', Larry Duberman (or Doucherman as people called him in high school) wrote the book on Database Security... I mean he literally wrote the book on Database Security.
* The ''[[
* In the [[Series Finale]] of ''[[Star Trek: Voyager]]'', a future Starfleet instructor introduces Admiral Janeway as "the person who, literally, wrote the book on the Borg."
* "I invented" rather than "wrote the book," but [[Tropes Are Flexible|same principle]]. From ''[[Seinfeld]]'':
{{quote|
'''George:''' You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I ''invented'' "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.
'''Gwen:''' All right, George, it's you.
'''George:''' You're damn right it's me.
'''Gwen:''' I was just trying to...
'''George:''' I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
'''Gwen:''' I'm sure you do it very well. }}
* In ''[[Eureka]]'', Allison literally wrote the book on space medicine... or at least her alternate-universe counterpart did, which is almost as good. (She apparently did all the same research, she just never got around to publishing her thesis.)
* ''[[Doctor Who]]'' gives us this gem:
{{quote|
▲== Music ==
* [[Elvis Costello]], [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfFunjzyIsE "Every Day I Write the Book"]
== [[Video Games]] ==
* From ''[[
{{quote|
* In [[Super Mario 64]], one of the Toads in the castle says that "Bowser wrote the book on bad."
== [[Web Original]] ==
* From ''[[Commodore HUSTLE]]'':
{{quote|
* ''[[Girl Genius]]'', after Gil reminds [http://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20080227 Vole] who's the boss:
{{quote|
== [[Western Animation]] ==
* From the episode "Jumpin' Crack Bass" of ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (also a case of [[Metaphorgotten]]):
{{quote|
* From the episode "The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase" of ''[[The Simpsons]]'':
{{quote|
'''Grampa:''' Yeah - "[[All Quiet on the Western Front]]". }}
* Spoofed on ''[[Futurama]]'', "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back"
{{quote|
== Other Media ==
* An [http://www.snopes.com/college/admin/textbook.asp urban legend] tells of a highly respected Criminology instructor with years of experience who taught at a state college for ten years. However, he only had a BA and growing credential inflation forced him to
{{reflist}}
[[Category:Stock Phrases]]
▲[[Category:Wrote The Book]]
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