Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions
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''Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG'' is [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin]] — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for [[The Loonie]], has been banned from doing in [[Tabletop Games]]. It is ''long'' (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of [[Averted Trope|aversions]], and often really funny. |
''Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG'' is [[Exactly What It Says on the Tin]] — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for [[The Loonie]], has been banned from doing in [[Tabletop Games]]. It is ''long'' (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of [[Averted Trope|aversions]], and often really funny. |
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The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of ''[[Dungeons and Dragons |
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of ''[[Dungeons and Dragons]]''. |
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Read the full list here: |
Read the full list here: |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html Numbers 1001 - 1500] |
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html Numbers 1001 - 1500] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html Numbers 1501 - 2000] |
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282764.html Numbers 1501 - 2000] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/389635.html Numbers 2001 - |
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/389635.html Numbers 2001 - 2375] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/ |
* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/390307.html 2026-2050] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/396406.html 2051-2075] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/398668.html 2076-2100] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/401077.html 2101-2125] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/407783.html 2126-2150] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/413994.html 2151-2175] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/415387.html 2176-2200] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/429495.html 2201-2225] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431079.html 2226-2250] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/431710.html 2251-2275] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/438322.html 2276-2300] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/440403.html 2301-2325] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/441379.html 2326-2350] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/443081.html 2351-2375] |
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{{Sidemenu}} |
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Broken down by game system. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious. |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/263423.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Trinity Universe (game)|Aeon Trinity]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/279040.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Aberrant |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/278160.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Adventure |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/277664.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Aliens |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/281883.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[All Flesh Must Be Eaten]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/274550.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Alternity]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/277308.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Amber |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/279315.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Autoduel |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/280689.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Battlestar Galactica |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/281284.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Buck Rogers]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/275748.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Buffy |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/266016.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Call of Cthulhu]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/266594.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Champions]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/402671.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Chill]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/402080.html Things Mr. Welch Can't Do] In [[Continuum]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/265804.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Cyberpunk 2020 |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/281659.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Dark Heresy]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403007.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Deathwatch]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/402766.html Things Mr. Welch Can't Do] in [[Rogue Trader]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/405490.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[DC Heroes]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/268635.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Deadlands]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403320.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in Decurion |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/405093.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in Dr. Who |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/404339.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Dragon Age]] |
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* [[Dungeons and Dragons]]: |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/263534.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in 1st Ed. D&D |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/270201.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Oriental Adventures |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/264148.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in 2nd Ed. D&D |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/275190.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Planescape]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/262200.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in D&D 3.0 |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/280427.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Iron Kingdoms]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/262692.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in D&D 3.5 |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403730.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Pathfinder]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/272808.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in 4th Ed. D&D |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/267698.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[d20 Modern]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/271002.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Dragonstar |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/279594.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Star Wars d20 |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/279943.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Exalted]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/278959.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Feng Shui |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/404050.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[GURPS]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/264196.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in GURPS Supers |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/267138.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in GURPS Time Travel |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/262011.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Hackmaster]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/277106.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Hell on Earth |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/275972.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Human Occupied Landfill|HOL]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/276696.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Ironclaw]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/272976.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Legend of the Five Rings]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/277768.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Legionaire |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/271496.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Lord of the Rings |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/272293.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Marvel Superheroes |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/271647.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Mechwarrior]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/267284.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Merc 2000 |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/278512.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Morrow Project |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/269399.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Mutants and Masterminds]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/405601.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in New Gods of Mankind |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/404686.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Pendragon]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/274262.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Prime Directive |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/405847.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in Renaissance |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/275561.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Rifts]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/274891.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Robotech]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/282114.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Rocky and Bullwinkle]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/280173.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Rolemaster |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/270487.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Runequest |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/262614.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[7th Sea]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/278568.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Serenity |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/269273.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Shadowrun]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/264577.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Silver Age Sentinels]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/276910.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Space 1899 |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/281439.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Space Master]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/268324.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Star Trek |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/265493.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Star Wars |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/267911.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Street Fighter |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/266261.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Tales from the Floating Vagabond |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/273505.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Top Secret]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/402346.html Things Mr. Welch Can't Do] in [[Torg]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/276415.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Traveller]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/263859.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Twilight 2000]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/264868.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Underground |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/269004.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Villains and Vigilantes]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/273255.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Weird Wars |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/404757.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Witch Girls Adventures|Witch Girls]] |
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* [http://theglen.livejournal.com/270654.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[New World of Darkness|World of Darkness]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/280851.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Changeling: The Lost|Changeling]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/269747.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Inquisitor |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/266834.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Mage: The Ascension|Mage]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/271310.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Mummy: The Resurrection|Mummy]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/265467.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in Masquerade |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/268227.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Werewolf: The Apocalypse|Werewolf]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/271957.html Things Mr. Welch can no longer do] in [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Vampire]] |
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** [http://theglen.livejournal.com/403627.html Things Mr. Welch Can't do] in [[Wraith: The Oblivion|Wraith]] |
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{{sidemenuend}} |
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Compare ''[[Skippy's List]]''. Compare and contrast the ''[[Evil Overlord List]]'', which is more about becoming [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is ''[[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]]'' specific. |
Compare ''[[Skippy's List]]''. Compare and contrast the ''[[Evil Overlord List]]'', which is more about becoming [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is ''[[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]]'' specific. |
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1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus. |
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus. |
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2274. I am not transelven. |
2274. I am not transelven. |
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2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot. |
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}} |
}} |
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* [[Ambiguously Jewish]]: Averted. |
* [[Ambiguously Jewish]]: Averted. |
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192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it. |
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it. |
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217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it. |
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it. |
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363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50. |
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395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first. |
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408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can't have that gun. |
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589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. |
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. |
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1068. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing more damage than most people have wounds. |
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1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county. |
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county. |
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1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka. |
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1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover. |
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1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip. |
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1452. Despite it's phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems. |
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1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security. |
1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security. |
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1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative. |
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1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun. |
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1867. Can't have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests. |
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2003. Any gun who's damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed. |
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2067. Can't have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet's windshear. }} |
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* [[Big Bad Friend]] / [[Vitriolic Best Buds]]: |
* [[Big Bad Friend]] / [[Vitriolic Best Buds]]: |
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{{quote|312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain. |
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{{quote|1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
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1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
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1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. |
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can't be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me. |
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}} |
}} |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
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160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
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1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun. |
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun. |
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1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts. |
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts. |
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2214. Deer season is restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles. |
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}} |
}} |
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* [[Chronic Backstabbing Disorder]]: |
* [[Chronic Backstabbing Disorder]]: |
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* [[Coast Guard]] |
* [[Coast Guard]] |
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{{quote|61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}} |
{{quote|61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}} |
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* [[Colour-Coded for Your Convenience]]: |
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{{quote| |
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1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber. }} |
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* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt. |
* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt. |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. |
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. |
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194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. |
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. |
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207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget. |
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363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50. |
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50. |
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692. The [[Raiders of the Lost Ark|Dr. Jones]] [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|School of Swordfighting]] is not an appropriate Swordsman's School. |
692. The [[Raiders of the Lost Ark|Dr. Jones]] [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|School of Swordfighting]] is not an appropriate Swordsman's School. |
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767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. |
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. |
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2001. A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable second in a duel. |
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2335. While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also customary to do it at subsonic speeds. |
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2339. When providing pistols for a duel, they both can't be fingerprint locked just to me. |
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2366. The following are not acceptable seconds in a duel: Space Marine Chapter Masters, Intelligent Dancing Vorpal Swords, Prussia.}} |
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* [[Combining Mecha]]: |
* [[Combining Mecha]]: |
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{{quote|130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]]. |
{{quote|130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]]. |
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* [[Crowd Song]]: |
* [[Crowd Song]]: |
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{{quote|940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}} |
{{quote|940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}} |
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* [[Curious as a Monkey]]: |
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{{quote|374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.}} |
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* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw. |
* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw. |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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{{quote|411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
{{quote|411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
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1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it. }} |
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it. }} |
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* [[Divorce Requires Death ]]: |
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{{quote|1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings.}} |
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* [[Doppelganger Spin]]: |
* [[Doppelganger Spin]]: |
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{{quote|1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.}} |
{{quote|1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed.}} |
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* [[Drop the Hammer]]: |
* [[Drop the Hammer]]: |
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{{quote| |
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{{quote|1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.}} |
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580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. |
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1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. |
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2028. Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn't very practical. }} |
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* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to... |
* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to... |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
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50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first. |
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first. |
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368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid. |
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400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it. |
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638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door. |
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694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. |
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. |
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873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy. |
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1060. I will go into the villain’s lair and take him out the old fashioned way. Not just wait outside his favorite bar with a rifle. |
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1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead. |
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1072. After rerouting a river through the villain’s lair, I will not pan for gold wherever the river comes out. |
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1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore [[Gunship Rescue|the squadron of Y-Wings]] 100 meters away. |
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1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can't just blow off the next to top floor. |
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1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window. |
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window. |
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1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader. |
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader. |
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1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death. |
1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death. |
||
1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense. |
1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense. |
||
1907. No putting the villain's fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me. |
|||
2091. Can't just target the villain's star fighter, even if it's the only one of its type in the battle. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend]]: Apparently the cause of strife more than once. |
* [[Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend]]: Apparently the cause of strife more than once. |
||
Line 361: | Line 510: | ||
452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. |
452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. |
||
493. I will not base any Media character off [[Bloom County|Milo Bloom]]. |
493. I will not base any Media character off [[Bloom County|Milo Bloom]]. |
||
1279. Basing characters off gestalt of historical characters is fine unless it’s Miyamoto Musashi and the mom from What’s Happening. |
|||
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is [[Law and Order|Lennie Briscoe]], he dies. }} |
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is [[Law and Order|Lennie Briscoe]], he dies. }} |
||
Line 408: | Line 558: | ||
* [[Gatling Good]]: |
* [[Gatling Good]]: |
||
{{quote|160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
{{quote|160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
||
1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on my minigun doesn’t work. |
|||
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not [[More Dakka|to make a gatling gun]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|out of bazookas.]] |
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not [[More Dakka|to make a gatling gun]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|out of bazookas.]] |
||
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }} |
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }} |
||
Line 449: | Line 600: | ||
* [[Groin Attack]]: |
* [[Groin Attack]]: |
||
{{quote|248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. |
{{quote|248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. |
||
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice. |
|||
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis. |
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis. |
||
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels. |
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if it's just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels. |
||
2311. No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can't cast shrink on the necromancer's undies. |
|||
2312. You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it's an alignment check. }} |
|||
* [[Groundhog Day Loop]]: |
* [[Groundhog Day Loop]]: |
||
{{quote|1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop.}} |
{{quote|1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop.}} |
||
Line 557: | Line 711: | ||
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach". |
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach". |
||
783: The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan. |
783: The following are not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai llama, Boom Orangutan. |
||
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter. |
|||
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon. |
1458. The ability to mimic other people's luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon. |
||
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
||
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean [[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|all their base belongs to us]]. |
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean [[All Your Base Are Belong to Us|all their base belongs to us]]. |
||
1855. Using a barber's razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Inescapable Ambush]]: Even if he casts Glassee on the door. |
* [[Inescapable Ambush]]: Even if he casts Glassee on the door. |
||
Line 584: | Line 740: | ||
* [[Kill It with Fire]]: |
* [[Kill It with Fire]]: |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower. |
|||
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. |
|||
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower. |
|||
902. Can't set the bad guy on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll. |
|||
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower. |
|||
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can't fish with a flamethrower. |
|||
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. <ref>[[Bifurcated Weapon|Exterminator]] cartridge. They even added errata for this.</ref> |
|||
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
||
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse. |
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse. |
||
Line 591: | Line 752: | ||
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel. |
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel. |
||
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale. |
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale. |
||
2332. When asked why the Feywild isn't in the campaign, "self inflicted nuclear holocaust" isn't the right answer. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Kill It with Water]]: |
* [[Kill It with Water]]: |
||
Line 713: | Line 875: | ||
* [[Master of None]]: |
* [[Master of None]]: |
||
{{quote|5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
{{quote|5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
||
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills. |
|||
1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower. }} |
1917. "The ability to do anything, as long as it's not that hard" is not a real superpower. }} |
||
* [[Me's a Crowd]]: |
* [[Me's a Crowd]]: |
||
Line 743: | Line 906: | ||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
||
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. |
|||
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. |
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. |
||
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it. |
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it. |
||
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. |
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. |
||
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name. |
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name. |
||
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy. |
|||
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem. |
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem. |
||
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range. |
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range. |
||
Line 752: | Line 917: | ||
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed. |
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed. |
||
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply. |
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can't impact the total world supply. |
||
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel. |
|||
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999. |
1528. I can't ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999. |
||
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there's a problem. |
|||
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol. |
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can't have a belt fed pistol. |
||
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }} |
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }} |
||
Line 759: | Line 926: | ||
** Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters. |
** Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters. |
||
{{quote|1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.}} |
{{quote|1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.}} |
||
* [[Motionless Makeover]]: |
|||
{{quote| |
|||
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run. }} |
|||
* [[Mundane Utility]]: |
* [[Mundane Utility]]: |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
Line 771: | Line 941: | ||
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
||
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles. |
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles. |
||
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed. |
|||
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. |
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn't automatically have to carry the popcorn. |
||
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization. |
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the 'Sonnet' Specialization. |
||
Line 783: | Line 954: | ||
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift. |
2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift. |
||
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line. |
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line. |
||
2349. No finding industrial uses for Darkspawn. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]: |
* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]: |
||
Line 805: | Line 977: | ||
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''. |
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''. |
||
114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
||
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. |
|||
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. |
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. |
||
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
||
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once. |
|||
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?" |
|||
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. |
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. |
||
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear. |
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear. |
||
Line 813: | Line 988: | ||
{{quote|561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
{{quote|561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
||
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }} |
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }} |
||
* [[Not Cheating Unless You Get Caught]]: |
|||
{{quote|649. Zero bodycount does not mean [[Never Found the Body|just the ones they can find]]. }} |
|||
== O == |
== O == |
||
Line 822: | Line 999: | ||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
||
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot. |
|||
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure. |
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure. |
||
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope. |
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope. |
||
Line 828: | Line 1,006: | ||
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. |
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. |
||
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout. |
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout. |
||
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. |
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. |
||
1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable super power. |
|||
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. |
|||
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader. |
|||
1843. Can't land the drop pod on the villain. |
|||
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly. |
|||
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader. |
|||
1981. No wrecking the Millennium Falcon in the prologue. }} |
|||
* [[One-Hit Polykill]]: |
* [[One-Hit Polykill]]: |
||
{{quote|1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.}} |
{{quote|1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.}} |
||
Line 845: | Line 1,030: | ||
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'. |
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'. |
||
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind. |
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind. |
||
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs. |
|||
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled. |
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled. |
||
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush. |
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush. |
||
Line 856: | Line 1,042: | ||
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. |
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. |
||
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. |
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. |
||
853. Even if I'm faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
Line 874: | Line 1,061: | ||
* [[Pit Trap]]: |
* [[Pit Trap]]: |
||
{{quote|1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.}} |
{{quote|1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.}} |
||
* [[Playing Against Type]]: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario |
* [[Playing Against Type]]: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.) |
||
{{quote|1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.}} |
{{quote|1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character.}} |
||
* [[Plot Armor]]: |
* [[Plot Armor]]: |
||
Line 886: | Line 1,073: | ||
* [[Power Perversion Potential]]: |
* [[Power Perversion Potential]]: |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. |
|||
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
||
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING. |
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING. |
||
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes. |
|||
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power. |
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power. |
||
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean '[[Being There|he likes to watch]]'. }} |
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean '[[Being There|he likes to watch]]'. }} |
||
Line 893: | Line 1,082: | ||
{{quote|211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies.}} |
{{quote|211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies.}} |
||
* [[Punched Across the Room]]: |
* [[Punched Across the Room]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote|1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.' |
|||
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces. |
|||
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.' |
|||
1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot. }} |
1899. The target's current zip code has no bearing on my called shot. }} |
||
Line 904: | Line 1,095: | ||
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf. }} |
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf. }} |
||
* [[Razor Floss]]: |
* [[Razor Floss]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote|1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
|||
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss. |
|||
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. }} |
|||
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
|||
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. <ref>Explanation: in ''[[Warhammer 40000]]'' RPGs rules simply state that when applied to non-edged weapons "Mono" upgrade means other enhancements with mechanical bonus equivalent to mono-edge.</ref> }} |
|||
* [[Recoil Boost]]: |
* [[Recoil Boost]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote|1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.}} |
|||
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. |
|||
1728. Can't have a gun that doubles as a jump jet. }} |
|||
* [[Redemption Equals Sex]]: |
* [[Redemption Equals Sex]]: |
||
{{quote|1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.}} |
{{quote|1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date.}} |
||
Line 914: | Line 1,109: | ||
* [[Reference Overdosed]]: Hoo boy. |
* [[Reference Overdosed]]: Hoo boy. |
||
* [[Religion of Evil]]: |
* [[Religion of Evil]]: |
||
{{quote|314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. |
{{quote|314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put '[[Church of Happyology|Xenu]]'. |
||
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos. }} |
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the [[Cthulhu Mythos]]. }} |
||
* [[Required Secondary Powers]]: |
* [[Required Secondary Powers]]: |
||
{{quote|606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
{{quote|606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
||
Line 921: | Line 1,116: | ||
* [[Retcon]]: |
* [[Retcon]]: |
||
{{quote|305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
{{quote|305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
||
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
||
2037. No matter how many times it's already been retconned, I can't change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play. }} |
|||
* [[Reverse Psychology]]: |
* [[Reverse Psychology]]: |
||
{{quote|704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.}} |
{{quote|704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.}} |
||
Line 937: | Line 1,133: | ||
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity. |
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity. |
||
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon. |
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon. |
||
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN. |
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN. |
||
2357. 4Chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu. }} |
|||
* [[Scenery Censor]]: |
* [[Scenery Censor]]: |
||
{{quote|532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.}} |
{{quote|532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.}} |
||
Line 959: | Line 1,156: | ||
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. |
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. |
||
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. <ref>(Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)</ref> |
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. <ref>(Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)</ref> |
||
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II. |
|||
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help. |
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help. |
||
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping. |
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping. |
||
Line 969: | Line 1,167: | ||
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. }} |
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. }} |
||
* [[Sdrawkcab Name]]: |
* [[Sdrawkcab Name]]: |
||
{{quote|119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates. |
|||
{{quote|170. I cannot name my character [[Gary Gygax|Xagyg]] or any anagram thereof. |
|||
170. I cannot name my character [[Gary Gygax|Xagyg]] or any anagram thereof. |
|||
1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow. }} |
1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow. }} |
||
* [[Selectively-Lethal Weapon]]: |
* [[Selectively-Lethal Weapon]]: |
||
{{quote|71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
{{quote|71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
||
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting. |
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting. |
||
393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option. |
|||
1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn’t mean I have to take advantage of it. |
|||
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun. }} |
1989. Can't set the Death Star to stun. }} |
||
* [[Self-Imposed Challenge]]: |
* [[Self-Imposed Challenge]]: |
||
Line 987: | Line 1,188: | ||
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber. |
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber. |
||
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round. |
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round. |
||
743. Even if the rules allow it, can't takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug. |
|||
798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons. |
798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons. |
||
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks. |
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks. |
||
Line 992: | Line 1,194: | ||
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns. |
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns. |
||
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say. |
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say. |
||
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. |
|||
}} |
}} |
||
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these. |
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these. |
||
Line 1,010: | Line 1,213: | ||
469. If I wake up to find [[The Lord of the Rings|black cloaked figures]] in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room. |
469. If I wake up to find [[The Lord of the Rings|black cloaked figures]] in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room. |
||
529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]]. |
529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]]. |
||
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. |
|||
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] |
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] |
||
931. [[The Order of the Stick|No one's afraid of plants.]] |
931. [[The Order of the Stick|No one's afraid of plants.]] |
||
Line 1,019: | Line 1,223: | ||
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass. |
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass. |
||
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]]. |
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]]. |
||
1222. It's a strangehold. Not an |
1222. It's a strangehold. Not an Ogrun [[Star Trek|neck pinch]]. |
||
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]". |
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]". |
||
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops [[Operation Mindcrime|Operation: Mimecrime]]. |
|||
1356. Before we start, let's make sure whether everybody blows up if I [[Dune|shoot a shield]] with a lasgun. |
|||
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]]. |
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]]. |
||
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]] |
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]] |
||
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in [[National Treasure|invisible ink]]. |
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in [[National Treasure|invisible ink]]. |
||
1541. While highly effective, [[Repo! The Genetic Opera|grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on |
1541. While highly effective, [[Repo! The Genetic Opera|grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy]] is frowned on. |
||
1618. Any character even remotely resembling [[Mr. B Natural]] is dead before the first dice are rolled. |
1618. Any character even remotely resembling [[Mr. B Natural]] is dead before the first dice are rolled. |
||
1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard. |
1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard. |
||
Line 1,030: | Line 1,236: | ||
1716. [[The Order of the Stick|Summon Para-Legal Elemental]] is not a real spell. |
1716. [[The Order of the Stick|Summon Para-Legal Elemental]] is not a real spell. |
||
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar [[Watership Down|Watership]]. |
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar [[Watership Down|Watership]]. |
||
1854. TSR is not hiding [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Golden Tickets]] in Mystara Gazetteers. |
1854. TSR is not hiding [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Golden Tickets]] in [[Mystara]] Gazetteers. |
||
1868. Playing [[the Who]] doesn't give me a bonus to [[CSI: Miami|forensics checks]]. |
1868. Playing [[the Who]] doesn't give me a bonus to [[CSI: Miami|forensics checks]]. |
||
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. |
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. |
||
2105. Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf [[Predator|by smearing myself with mud]]. |
|||
}} |
|||
* [[Similarly Named Works]] |
* [[Similarly Named Works]] |
||
{{quote|1333. I will tell the [[Noob]] the [[Twilight 2000|game]] is about [[World War III|post nuclear Europe]] and not [[Twilight (novel)|love struck vampires]] before we start.}} |
{{quote|1333. I will tell the [[Noob]] the [[Twilight 2000|game]] is about [[World War III|post nuclear Europe]] and not [[Twilight (novel)|love struck vampires]] before we start.}} |
||
Line 1,075: | Line 1,283: | ||
{{quote|1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.}} |
{{quote|1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.}} |
||
* [[Talk to the Fist]]: |
* [[Talk to the Fist]]: |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote|411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
||
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target. }} |
|||
* [[Tank Goodness]]: |
* [[Tank Goodness]]: |
||
{{quote|1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.}} |
{{quote|1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.}} |
||
Line 1,095: | Line 1,304: | ||
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. |
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. |
||
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}} |
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}} |
||
* [[Third Person Person]]: |
|||
{{quote|268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
|||
1893. Can't take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan. |
|||
}} |
|||
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
||
{{quote|159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
{{quote|159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
||
Line 1,179: | Line 1,393: | ||
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. |
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. |
||
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. |
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing. |
||
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. |
|||
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. |
|||
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. |
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks. |
||
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. |
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by shooting the guy standing next to him. |
||
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. |
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by setting him on fire. |
||
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah. |
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah. |
||
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. |
1942. Can't distract the villain by sending him a text. |
||
2206. Create a distraction doesn't mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance. }} |
|||
* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]: |
* [[What Did I Do Last Night?]]: |
||
{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
{{quote|597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
Revision as of 11:35, 18 November 2015
Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of aversions, and often really funny.
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons and Dragons.
Read the full list here:
- Numbers 1 - 500
- Numbers 501 - 1000
- Numbers 1001 - 1500
- Numbers 1501 - 2000
- Numbers 2001 - 2375
- 2026-2050
- 2051-2075
- 2076-2100
- 2101-2125
- 2126-2150
- 2151-2175
- 2176-2200
- 2201-2225
- 2226-2250
- 2251-2275
- 2276-2300
- 2301-2325
- 2326-2350
- 2351-2375
Broken down by game system. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Aeon Trinity
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Aberrant
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Adventure
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Aliens
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in All Flesh Must Be Eaten
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Alternity
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Amber
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Autoduel
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Battlestar Galactica
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Buck Rogers
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Buffy
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Call of Cthulhu
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Champions
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Chill
- Things Mr. Welch Can't Do In Continuum
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Cyberpunk 2020
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Dark Heresy
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in DC Heroes
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Deadlands
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Decurion
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Dr. Who
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Dragon Age
- Dungeons and Dragons:
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 1st Ed. D&D
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Oriental Adventures
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 2nd Ed. D&D
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Planescape
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in D&D 3.0
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Iron Kingdoms
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in D&D 3.5
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Pathfinder
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 4th Ed. D&D
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in d20 Modern
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Dragonstar
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Star Wars d20
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Exalted
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Feng Shui
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in GURPS
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in GURPS Supers
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in GURPS Time Travel
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Hackmaster
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Hell on Earth
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in HOL
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Ironclaw
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Legend of the Five Rings
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Legionaire
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Lord of the Rings
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Marvel Superheroes
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mechwarrior
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Merc 2000
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Morrow Project
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mutants and Masterminds
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in New Gods of Mankind
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Pendragon
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Prime Directive
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Renaissance
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Rifts
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Robotech
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Rocky and Bullwinkle
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Rolemaster
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Runequest
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in 7th Sea
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Serenity
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Shadowrun
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Silver Age Sentinels
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Space 1899
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Space Master
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Star Trek
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Star Wars
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Street Fighter
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Tales from the Floating Vagabond
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Top Secret
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Traveller
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Twilight 2000
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Underground
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Villains and Vigilantes
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Weird Wars
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Witch Girls
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in World of Darkness
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Changeling
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Inquisitor
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mage
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Mummy
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Masquerade
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Werewolf
- Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in Vampire
- Things Mr. Welch Can't do in Wraith
Compare Skippy's List. Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Dangerously Genre Savvy. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific.
A
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch. |
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. |
222. Druids are not against my religion. |
1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders. |
- Ambiguously Jewish: Averted.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. |
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual. |
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife. |
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans. |
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over. |
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. |
- Ax Crazy: On a number of occasions.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. |
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment. |
B
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. |
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat. |
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good. |
1369. Elves do too have nipples. |
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God". |
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair. |
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again. |
- BFG:
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back. |
312. I am not the son, father, husband, ex-roommate, former professor or retired garbage man of the villain. |
- Biggus Dickus: Possibly implied.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can. |
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-Elves do not automatically go both ways. |
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not. |
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell. |
616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. |
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex. |
1185. Paladins do too urinate. |
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check. |
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects. |
C
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut. |
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes." |
952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed. |
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. |
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian. |
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. |
637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters. |
- Cherry Tapping: Acceptable in and of itself, but...
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes. |
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. |
1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can't have a plaid lightsaber. |
- Combat Medic: Plan A — don't get hurt.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine. |
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. |
130. I am not authorized to form the head. |
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!" |
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy. |
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not. |
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it. |
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams. |
- CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. |
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats. |
- Creator's Pet: Knows how to take advantage of them.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover. |
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds. |
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again. |
- Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along. |
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis. |
D
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: For his GMs, at least.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery. |
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. |
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. |
- Defied Trope / Enforced Trope: The GMs to what he does.
- Deal with the Devil:
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check. |
- Despair Event Horizon: Caused one in the player themselves.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don't help divorce proceedings. |
1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed. |
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll. |
- Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
- Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster. |
E
2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen. |
1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire. |
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. |
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. |
- He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles/ephebophiles.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait. |
- Everything Makes a Mushroom: Especially his fireball spells.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!" |
- Everything's Deader with Zombies: Don't get bitten when he's around.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. |
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. |
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook. |
- Experience Points: Has more than a few ideas of how to earn more.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer. |
- Expy: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on Keith Moon.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds. |
F
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. |
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six. |
177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right. |
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton. |
- Follow the Leader: Similar in style to Skippys List of the "213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being The Loonie.
- This blog is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
- Football Hooligans:
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill. |
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later. |
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes. |
1786. Albanians do not count as furries. |
G
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. |
- Game Breaker: Numerous times In-Universe.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Gangsta Style: The page quote.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. |
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. |
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. |
- Genki Girl / Keet: This seems to be how he plays elves.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out. |
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. |
- God Test: Inverted
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. |
- Godzilla Threshold: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
- Golem: Adds a few more the Monster Manual "forgot".
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. |
- GMPC:
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
- Gratuitous Foreign Language: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding gibberish)...
- Grievous Harm with a Body:
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. |
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. |
1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop. |
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things. |
1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. |
H
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci. |
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? |
- Healing Hands: Which are apparently rather... naughty.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands. |
1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them. |
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. |
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero. |
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant. |
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. |
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW 2. |
- Hive Mind: Ninjas do not have them.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. |
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. |
9. My monk's lips must be in sync. |
- Hulk Speak: Banned
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech. |
- Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon. |
- A few items on his list qualify as well:
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
I
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book. |
- I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much Nethack.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
- Although there are some limits:
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat. |
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. |
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages. |
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill. |
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Guilty so many times.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond". |
- Inescapable Ambush: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try. |
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. |
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first. |
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. |
- Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
J-K
568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. |
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower. |
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work. |
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda. |
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. [3] |
L
- Lampshade Hanging: Also disallowed.
- Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, Chaotic Stupid describes him far too well...
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Literal Genie: He's got a backup plan for this guy.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. |
1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. |
- Logic Bomb: Back to the genie.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
- The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players. |
- Loophole Abuse: CONSTANTLY. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. [4]
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. |
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
- Lost Him in a Card Game: He's not even allowed to make the bet.
- Lost in Translation: On purpose.
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
- Loveable Sex Maniac: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. |
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels. |
M
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. |
- Make a Wish: Not with this guy.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'. |
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents. |
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times. |
- Mid-Battle Tea Break: Defied.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer. |
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. |
617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo |
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. |
- Mook Chivalry: Averted!
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
- Most Common Superpower: Doesn't actually count as a superpower, no.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power. |
- Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist. |
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run. |
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes. |
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys". |
N
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. |
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women. |
- Never Mess with Granny: His characters can come from some seriously deadly ancestors.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother. |
141. My maid does not know kung fu. |
- Noodle Incident / Noodle Implements: All the time.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please. |
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find. |
O
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery. |
- Off the Rails: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet. |
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. |
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game. |
- Only Smart People May Pass: He can be a bit too smart.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly. |
- Our Gnomes Are Weirder: His are much, much weirder.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'. |
- Overused Copycat Character: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
P
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn't count as a disguise check. |
- Patron Saint: Related to the page quote. However...
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. |
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. |
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits. |
- Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot to allay suspicions, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario.)
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
- Politically-Correct History: Sort of.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600. |
1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of. |
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. |
- Professional Wrestling: Apparently, his campaign takes the concept of "gimmick infringement" very seriously.
211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies. |
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces. |
R
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. |
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne. |
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss. |
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. |
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date. |
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt." |
- Reference Overdosed: Hoo boy.
- Religion of Evil:
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. |
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. |
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. |
- Rules Lawyer: Too many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here. See "Loophole Abuse" above for a sample.
S
526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two." |
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it. |
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. |
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. |
- Screw Destiny: Denied.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter." |
- Screw You, Elves: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. |
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates. |
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack. |
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. |
389. My Samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. |
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens. |
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber. |
- Shout-Out: TONS of these.
25. The green elf does not need food badly. |
1333. I will tell the Noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- Spanner in the Works: He has a knack for playing this role.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. |
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. |
- Spare Body Parts: Denied.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. |
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? |
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. |
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
T
- Tactful Translation: ...or not?
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet. |
- Taking You with Me: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur." |
- Talking the Monster to Death: Not appreciated by the DMs (that Mr. Welch plays with.)
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. |
- Talking Your Way Out: Also not appreciated by the DMs.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams. |
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries. |
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow. |
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation. |
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor. |
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Welch is not allowed to invoke it in-universe.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art. |
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. |
U
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: In-Universe
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. |
459. The vampire clan with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'. |
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. |
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram. |
V
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin. |
- Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid. |
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!" |
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. |
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
W
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. |
- Wasteful Wishing: Over a dozen, including:
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game." |
390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. |
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents. |
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying. |
- We Need a Distraction: Greatly limited.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. |
597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. |
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept. |
- Whip It Good: Not the Weapon of Choice of the Goddess of Marriage.
- Whoring / Crippling Overspecialization:
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Incidentally, yes, most variations of the other kind are banned too.
- With Catlike Tread:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. |
Y
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail. |
- You All Meet in An Inn: Not good enough for him.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. |
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast. |
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure. |
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live. |
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode. |
- ↑ (...And it's actually a simile. Inside a metaphor.)
- ↑ Exterminator cartridge. They even added errata for this.
- ↑ (That's because he entered it wrong.)
- ↑ Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.
- ↑ (What about areas where women already had the vote pre-1912?)
- ↑ Explanation: in Warhammer 40000 RPGs rules simply state that when applied to non-edged weapons "Mono" upgrade means other enhancements with mechanical bonus equivalent to mono-edge.
- ↑ (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)