Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions
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616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
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798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. |
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot. |
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1695. Can't [[Truth in Television|load the shotgun just with rock salt]] because I'm feeling mean. |
1695. Can't [[Truth in Television|load the shotgun just with rock salt]] because I'm feeling mean. |
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1815. Can't have [[Catapult to Glory|a gun capable of]] [[Fastball Special|using other PC's as ammo]]. |
1815. Can't have [[Catapult to Glory|a gun capable of]] [[Fastball Special|using other PC's as ammo]]. |
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2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people. |
2016. While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people. |
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2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers. |
2076. If I'm commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don't mean a gun that fires howitzers. |
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}} |
}} |
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1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products. |
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland's GDP does not go to hair care products. |
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1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves. |
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves. |
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1850. [[Language Equals Thought|There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".]] |
1850. [[Language Equals Thought|There is also an elven word for "heterosexual".]] |
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1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey. |
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey. |
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1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus. |
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus. |
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2274. I am not transelven. |
2274. I am not transelven. |
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}} |
}} |
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388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees. |
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees. |
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517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem. |
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem. |
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563. I can't [[Groin Attack|make anyone Jewish]] with a called shot. |
563. I can't [[Groin Attack|make anyone Jewish]] with a called shot. |
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682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower. |
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower. |
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731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause [[Highlander|a cool pyrotechnics display]]. }} |
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause [[Highlander|a cool pyrotechnics display]]. }} |
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* [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny]]: |
* [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny]]: |
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{{quote|1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not [[Mission Impossible|disavow knowledge of him]] until after the mission is over.}} |
{{quote|1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not [[Mission Impossible|disavow knowledge of him]] until after the mission is over.}} |
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* [[Awesome McCoolname]]: |
* [[Awesome McCoolname]]: |
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{{quote|1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is [[Testosterone Poisoning|a bit much]]. |
{{quote|1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is [[Testosterone Poisoning|a bit much]]. |
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1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker. }} |
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker. }} |
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* [[Ax Crazy]]: On a number of occasions. |
* [[Ax Crazy]]: On a number of occasions. |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. |
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. |
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240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in [[Chainsaw Good|chainsaw]] is vetoed. |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in [[Chainsaw Good|chainsaw]] is vetoed. |
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416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. |
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. |
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417. The solution to all my problems is not [[Werewolf: The Apocalypse|Crinos]]. |
417. The solution to all my problems is not [[Werewolf: The Apocalypse|Crinos]]. |
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652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things. |
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction - stabbing things. |
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680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it. |
680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it. |
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1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker. }} |
1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker. }} |
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* [[Ayn Rand]]: |
* [[Ayn Rand]]: |
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* [[Battle Cry]]: |
* [[Battle Cry]]: |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]". |
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]". |
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74. My thief's battle cry is not "[[Dirty Coward|Run And Live]]". |
74. My thief's battle cry is not "[[Dirty Coward|Run And Live]]". |
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75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps". |
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps". |
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317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'. |
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'. |
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355. My monk's battlecry is not "[[Mortal Kombat|Round 1: Fight!]]" |
355. My monk's battlecry is not "[[Mortal Kombat|Round 1: Fight!]]" |
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420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not. |
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not. |
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485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "[[Tora! Tora! Tora!|Torah, Torah, Torah]]". |
485. My Mossad agent's battlecry is not "[[Tora! Tora! Tora!|Torah, Torah, Torah]]". |
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490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting [[The Bob Newhart Show|Bob Newhart]] is right out. Quoting [[Bob Dylan|Bob Dillan]] is just silly. |
490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting [[The Bob Newhart Show|Bob Newhart]] is right out. Quoting [[Bob Dylan|Bob Dillan]] is just silly. |
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909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] }} |
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] }} |
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* [[Beard of Evil]]: |
* [[Beard of Evil]]: |
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589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. |
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale. |
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1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county. |
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county. |
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1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security. |
1587. There is no way the [[Mage: The Ascension|Iteration X mage]] is going to make it through airport security. |
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1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun. }} |
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun. }} |
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* [[Big Bad Friend]] / [[Vitriolic Best Buds]]: |
* [[Big Bad Friend]] / [[Vitriolic Best Buds]]: |
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* [[Brick Joke]] |
* [[Brick Joke]] |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock]]". |
502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock]]". |
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516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. |
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. |
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1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. |
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. |
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1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II. }} |
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II. }} |
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* [[Bullet Catch]]: |
* [[Bullet Catch]]: |
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{{quote|781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes."}} |
{{quote|781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes."}} |
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* [[Cameo]]: |
* [[Cameo]]: |
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{{quote|952. [[Dark City|Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.]] |
{{quote|952. [[Dark City|Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.]] |
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1199. [[Stan Lee]] does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure. }} |
1199. [[Stan Lee]] does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure. }} |
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* [[Camp Straight]]: |
* [[Camp Straight]]: |
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* [[The Casanova]] / [[Really Gets Around]]: |
* [[The Casanova]] / [[Really Gets Around]]: |
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{{quote|362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
{{quote|362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
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1849. [[Language Equals Thought|There is too an elven word for "monogamy".]] |
1849. [[Language Equals Thought|There is too an elven word for "monogamy".]] |
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1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. }} |
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn't get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out. }} |
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* [[Cast Full of Gay]]: |
* [[Cast Full of Gay]]: |
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* [[Chainsaw Good]]: |
* [[Chainsaw Good]]: |
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{{quote|240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
{{quote|240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
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618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. |
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. |
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1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
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}} |
}} |
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* [[Character Alignment]]: . |
* [[Character Alignment]]: . |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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122. The paladin's alignment is not [[Lawful Stupid|Lawful Anal]]. |
122. The paladin's alignment is not [[Lawful Stupid|Lawful Anal]]. |
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218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. |
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. |
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413. The [[Chaotic Neutral]] alignment [[Chaotic Stupid|is forever closed to me]]. |
413. The [[Chaotic Neutral]] alignment [[Chaotic Stupid|is forever closed to me]]. |
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460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good. |
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I'm lawful good. |
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476. The alignment of [[Kids Are Cruel|2 years olds]] is not automatically [[Neutral Evil]]. |
476. The alignment of [[Kids Are Cruel|2 years olds]] is not automatically [[Neutral Evil]]. |
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863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding [[Technology Levels|TL]]1 tribes [[Technology Levels|TL]]12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong. |
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding [[Technology Levels|TL]]1 tribes [[Technology Levels|TL]]12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong. |
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1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
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1929. [[Ayn Rand]] has no affect on my alignment. }} |
1929. [[Ayn Rand]] has no affect on my alignment. }} |
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* [[Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys]]: |
* [[Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys]]: |
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* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt. |
* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt. |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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233. If I am the medtech [[Not That Kind of Doctor|it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine]]. |
233. If I am the medtech [[Not That Kind of Doctor|it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine]]. |
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271. [[Instant Drama Just Add Tracheotomy|Tracheotomies]] are best left to characters with skills in medicine. |
271. [[Instant Drama Just Add Tracheotomy|Tracheotomies]] are best left to characters with skills in medicine. |
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498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood. |
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood. |
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520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed [[Not What It Looks Like|a groin-mounted rectal thermometer]]. |
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed [[Not What It Looks Like|a groin-mounted rectal thermometer]]. |
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1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. }} |
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. }} |
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* [[Combat Pragmatist]]: |
* [[Combat Pragmatist]]: |
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194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. |
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols. |
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363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50. |
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50. |
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692. The [[Raiders of the Lost Ark|Dr. Jones]] [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|School of Swordfighting]] is not an appropriate Swordsman's School. |
692. The [[Raiders of the Lost Ark|Dr. Jones]] [[Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?|School of Swordfighting]] is not an appropriate Swordsman's School. |
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767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. }} |
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in. }} |
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* [[Combining Mecha]]: |
* [[Combining Mecha]]: |
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{{quote|130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]]. |
{{quote|130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]]. |
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1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf. }} |
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf. }} |
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* [[Complaining About Rescues They Don't Like]]: |
* [[Complaining About Rescues They Don't Like]]: |
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{{quote|90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.}} |
{{quote|90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay.}} |
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* [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]: For his GMs, at least. |
* [[Dangerously Genre Savvy]]: For his GMs, at least. |
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{{quote|336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of [[Tome of Eldritch Lore|books]], altars and cutlery. |
{{quote|336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of [[Tome of Eldritch Lore|books]], altars and cutlery. |
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840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. |
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. |
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977. Disable plot device is not a real skill. |
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill. |
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1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. }} |
1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. }} |
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* [[Dead Guy Puppet]]: |
* [[Dead Guy Puppet]]: |
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* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to... |
* [[Dungeon Bypass]]: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to... |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
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50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first. |
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first. |
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694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. |
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble. |
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1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window. |
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window. |
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1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader. |
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader. |
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1701. Can't clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep. |
1701. Can't clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep. |
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1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death. |
1715. Can't just wizard lock the villain's throne room and come back in two weeks after he's starved to death. |
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1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense. |
1744. Can't one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense. |
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}} |
}} |
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* [[Everythings Nuttier With Squirrels]]: |
* [[Everythings Nuttier With Squirrels]]: |
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{{quote|56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
{{quote|56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
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442. When told to be subtle, playing [[Troubled but Cute|a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel]] [[Conker's Bad Fur Day|is not a good choice]]. |
442. When told to be subtle, playing [[Troubled but Cute|a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel]] [[Conker's Bad Fur Day|is not a good choice]]. |
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719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel. |
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel. |
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999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs]] to [[Grappling with Grappling Rules|abuse the grapple rules]]. }} |
999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs]] to [[Grappling with Grappling Rules|abuse the grapple rules]]. }} |
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* [[Everythings Smellier With Skunks]]: |
* [[Everythings Smellier With Skunks]]: |
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676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP. |
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP. |
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1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth. |
1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth. |
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1177. I will stop asking [[NPC|NPCs]] how much XP they are worth. |
1177. I will stop asking [[NPC|NPCs]] how much XP they are worth. |
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1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something. }} |
1215. If I'm just a few XP from 16th level, I can't just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something. }} |
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* [[Expy]]: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on [[The Who|Keith Moon]]. |
* [[Expy]]: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on [[The Who|Keith Moon]]. |
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{{quote|303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing [[Burt Reynolds]]. |
{{quote|303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing [[Burt Reynolds]]. |
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452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. |
452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters. |
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493. I will not base any Media character off [[Bloom County|Milo Bloom]]. |
493. I will not base any Media character off [[Bloom County|Milo Bloom]]. |
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1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is [[Law and Order|Lennie Briscoe]], he dies. }} |
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is [[Law and Order|Lennie Briscoe]], he dies. }} |
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{{quote|366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
{{quote|366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
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1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much. |
1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much. |
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1283. For the last time, the elf wears the [[Meido|maid]] disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise. |
1283. For the last time, the elf wears the [[Meido|maid]] disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise. |
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1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point. |
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point. |
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1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action." }} |
1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of "Hot Gnome on Gnome action." }} |
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* [[Fanon Discontinuity]]: |
* [[Fanon Discontinuity]]: |
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* [[Gatling Good]]: |
* [[Gatling Good]]: |
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{{quote|160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
{{quote|160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
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1257. No, the answer to the problem is not [[More Dakka|to make a gatling gun]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|out of bazookas.]] |
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not [[More Dakka|to make a gatling gun]] [[Stuff Blowing Up|out of bazookas.]] |
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1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }} |
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun. }} |
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* [[Gender Bender]]: [[Hermaphrodite|Restricted to male or female.]] |
* [[Gender Bender]]: [[Hermaphrodite|Restricted to male or female.]] |
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967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }} |
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem. }} |
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* [[GMPC]]: |
* [[GMPC]]: |
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{{quote|13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
{{quote|13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
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832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. }} |
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. }} |
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* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]: |
* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]: |
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824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT. }} |
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT. }} |
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* [[Hitler's Time Travel Exemption Act]]: |
* [[Hitler's Time Travel Exemption Act]]: |
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{{quote|228. I cannot use my time machine to [[You Need to Get Laid|hire Hitler a hooker]] in 1920, thus avoiding [[WW 2]]. |
{{quote|228. I cannot use my time machine to [[You Need to Get Laid|hire Hitler a hooker]] in 1920, thus avoiding [[WW 2]]. |
||
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I'm chasing him with a wheat thresher. }} |
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I'm chasing him with a wheat thresher. }} |
||
* [[Hive Mind]]: Ninjas do not have them. |
* [[Hive Mind]]: Ninjas do not have them. |
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{{quote|9. My monk's lips must be in sync.}} |
{{quote|9. My monk's lips must be in sync.}} |
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* [[Hulk Speak]]: Banned |
* [[Hulk Speak]]: Banned |
||
{{quote|502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
{{quote|502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
||
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
||
* [[Human Shield]]: |
* [[Human Shield]]: |
||
Line 530: | Line 530: | ||
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option. |
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option. |
||
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner. |
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner. |
||
1433. [[Macross|Zentradi]] are not good eating. |
1433. [[Macross|Zentradi]] are not good eating. |
||
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them. |
1649. I can't free the cannibals' prisoners by starting a food fight with them. |
||
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard. }} |
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the "I'm with tasty -->" tabard. }} |
||
** Although there are some limits: |
** Although there are some limits: |
||
Line 579: | Line 579: | ||
{{quote|568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'}} |
{{quote|568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'}} |
||
* [[Karma Meter]]: |
* [[Karma Meter]]: |
||
{{quote|174. There is no use of [[William Shatner|Shatner]]'s spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
{{quote|174. There is no use of [[William Shatner|Shatner]]'s spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
||
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. }} |
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation. }} |
||
* [[Kids Are Cruel]]: |
* [[Kids Are Cruel]]: |
||
Line 629: | Line 629: | ||
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition. |
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Malkavians]], [[Dungeons and Dragons|kobolds]] or [[Dragonlance|kender]]. [[In and Out of Character|Or their players.]] |
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Malkavians]], [[Dungeons and Dragons|kobolds]] or [[Dragonlance|kender]]. [[In and Out of Character|Or their players.]] |
||
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault. |
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault. |
||
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }} |
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }} |
||
* [[Loophole Abuse]]: '''CONSTANTLY.''' The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. <ref>Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.</ref> |
* [[Loophole Abuse]]: '''CONSTANTLY.''' The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. <ref>Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.</ref> |
||
Line 642: | Line 642: | ||
713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler. |
713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler. |
||
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint. |
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint. |
||
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't [[Steal the Surroundings|pick up the bank and walk away with it]]. |
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't [[Steal the Surroundings|pick up the bank and walk away with it]]. |
||
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn. |
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn. |
||
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks. |
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks. |
||
985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else. |
985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else. |
||
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can't put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle. |
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can't put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle. |
||
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel. |
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel. |
||
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence [[Katanas Are Just Better|with a katana]]. |
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence [[Katanas Are Just Better|with a katana]]. |
||
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4. |
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4. |
||
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
||
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. |
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. |
||
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. |
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode. |
||
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus. |
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can't have a saber toothed walrus. |
||
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability. |
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn't qualify for the inspirational music ability. |
||
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks. |
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks. |
||
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon. |
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can't hip shoot a cannon. |
||
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings<!-- sic --> in his pack without penalty. |
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can't carry a clan of halfings<!-- sic --> in his pack without penalty. |
||
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster. |
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can't one shot guys with a feather duster. |
||
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]]. |
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]]. |
||
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists. |
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists. |
||
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]]. |
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]]. |
||
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.}} |
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.}} |
||
{{quote|423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
{{quote|423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
||
Line 693: | Line 693: | ||
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'. |
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'. |
||
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. |
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas. |
||
653. [[Only Sane Man|Cannot wish]] [[Sanity Ball|for the party]] [[Liz Lemon Job|to have common sense.]] Even the wish spell has its limits. |
653. [[Only Sane Man|Cannot wish]] [[Sanity Ball|for the party]] [[Liz Lemon Job|to have common sense.]] Even the wish spell has its limits. |
||
745. Can't wish I was the GM. |
745. Can't wish I was the GM. |
||
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?" |
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?" |
||
981. My last wish cannot be for [[Apocalypse Wow|Ragnarok]]. |
981. My last wish cannot be for [[Apocalypse Wow|Ragnarok]]. |
||
1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game. |
1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game. |
||
1153. I can't wish to change my vote on what module we're playing. |
1153. I can't wish to change my vote on what module we're playing. |
||
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
||
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop. |
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop. |
||
1242. I can't wish that somebody competent wrote this module. |
1242. I can't wish that somebody competent wrote this module. |
||
1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish. |
1502. My first wish can't be to invalidate the previous character's last wish. |
||
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg. |
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg. |
||
1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you. |
1553. I can't wish my girlfriend was hot like you. |
||
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes. }} |
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes. }} |
||
* [[Make Wrong What Once Went Right]]: |
* [[Make Wrong What Once Went Right]]: |
||
Line 728: | Line 728: | ||
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep. |
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep. |
||
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha. |
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha. |
||
999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules]]. |
999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules]]. |
||
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas. |
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas. |
||
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him. |
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him. |
||
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line. |
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line. |
||
2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum rush the super villain. |
2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum rush the super villain. |
||
2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric version. |
2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric version. |
||
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.}} |
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.}} |
||
* [[Mook Horror Show]] |
* [[Mook Horror Show]] |
||
Line 802: | Line 802: | ||
* [[Noodle Incident]] / [[Noodle Implements]]: ''All the time.'' |
* [[Noodle Incident]] / [[Noodle Implements]]: ''All the time.'' |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
63. No, I cannot buy [[Animal House|10,000 marbles even if I say please]]. |
63. No, I cannot buy [[Animal House|10,000 marbles even if I say please]]. |
||
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again. |
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again. |
||
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''. |
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''. |
||
114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
114. The demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
||
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. |
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties. |
||
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
||
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. |
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. |
||
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear. |
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear. |
||
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly [[Total Party Kill|TPK'd]] by a jerboa. }} |
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly [[Total Party Kill|TPK'd]] by a jerboa. }} |
||
* [[No Pronunciation Guide]]: |
* [[No Pronunciation Guide]]: |
||
Line 822: | Line 822: | ||
* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it. |
* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
||
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure. |
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure. |
||
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope. |
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope. |
||
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again. |
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again. |
||
621. No offering [[Star Wars|the old man and the farm kid]] a better rate to [[Earthshattering Kaboom|Alderaan]]. |
621. No offering [[Star Wars|the old man and the farm kid]] a better rate to [[Earthshattering Kaboom|Alderaan]]. |
||
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. |
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across. |
||
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout. |
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout. |
||
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. }} |
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn't kill the villain with the first shot of the combat. }} |
||
* [[One-Hit Polykill]]: |
* [[One-Hit Polykill]]: |
||
Line 854: | Line 854: | ||
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these. |
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
||
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. |
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer. |
||
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. |
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. |
||
}} |
}} |
||
Line 862: | Line 862: | ||
* [[Paper-Thin Disguise]]: |
* [[Paper-Thin Disguise]]: |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the [[Our Orcs Are Different|freeboota]] doesn't count as a disguise check. |
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the [[Our Orcs Are Different|freeboota]] doesn't count as a disguise check. |
||
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems. |
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems. |
||
}} |
}} |
||
Line 935: | Line 935: | ||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it. |
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it. |
||
829. Despite the song's claim, [[Rocky Horror Picture Show|a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss]]. |
829. Despite the song's claim, [[Rocky Horror Picture Show|a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss]]. |
||
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity. |
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity. |
||
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon. |
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon. |
||
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN. }} |
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN. }} |
||
* [[Scenery Censor]]: |
* [[Scenery Censor]]: |
||
Line 948: | Line 948: | ||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. |
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. |
||
89. The elf's name is not [[Bored of the Rings|Legolam]]. |
89. The elf's name is not [[Bored of the Rings|Legolam]]. |
||
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option. |
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option. |
||
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch. |
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch. |
||
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put in a good word for me with Santa. |
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put in a good word for me with Santa. |
||
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf," I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. |
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf," I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. |
||
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners. |
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners. |
||
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries. |
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries. |
||
997. [[Roots|I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.]] |
997. [[Roots|I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.]] |
||
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just [[Magic: The Gathering|Llanowar]] Leafblower. |
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just [[Magic: The Gathering|Llanowar]] Leafblower. |
||
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie. |
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie. |
||
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. |
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II. |
||
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. <ref>(Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)</ref |
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male. <ref>(Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)</ref> |
||
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help. |
1410. Bleaching the drow won't help. |
||
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping. |
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping. |
||
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown. |
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown. |
||
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him. |
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him. |
||
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program. |
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program. |
||
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit. |
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit. |
||
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you? |
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you? |
||
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default. |
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default. |
||
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. }} |
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. }} |
||
* [[Sdrawkcab Name]]: |
* [[Sdrawkcab Name]]: |
||
{{quote|170. I cannot name my character [[Gary Gygax|Xagyg]] or any anagram thereof. |
{{quote|170. I cannot name my character [[Gary Gygax|Xagyg]] or any anagram thereof. |
||
1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow. }} |
1230. It's okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can't name my Garou Namflow. }} |
||
* [[Selectively-Lethal Weapon]]: |
* [[Selectively-Lethal Weapon]]: |
||
Line 996: | Line 996: | ||
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these. |
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these. |
||
{{quote| |
{{quote| |
||
25. The green elf [[Gauntlet (1985 video game)|does not need food badly]]. |
25. The green elf [[Gauntlet (1985 video game)|does not need food badly]]. |
||
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to [[Knights of the Dinner Table|sit on the same side of the table]]. |
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to [[Knights of the Dinner Table|sit on the same side of the table]]. |
||
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]". |
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]". |
||
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie. |
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie. |
||
124. I cannot insert the words [[Shaun of the Dead|"Kill Phil, Sorry Phil"]] into any list of instructions. |
124. I cannot insert the words [[Shaun of the Dead|"Kill Phil, Sorry Phil"]] into any list of instructions. |
||
130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]]. |
130. I am not authorized to [[Voltron|form the head]]. |
||
132. There is no such feat called "[[The Last Starfighter|Death Blossom]]". |
132. There is no such feat called "[[The Last Starfighter|Death Blossom]]". |
||
143. [[The Mummy Trilogy|Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.]] |
143. [[The Mummy Trilogy|Not allowed to buy a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.]] |
||
168. I was also not recruited by [[The Hobbit|12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon]]. |
168. I was also not recruited by [[The Hobbit|12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon]]. |
||
180. [[Transformers: The Movie|I have neither the touch nor the power.]] |
180. [[Transformers: The Movie|I have neither the touch nor the power.]] |
||
252. I can not order the Druid to [[Transformers|transform and roll out]]. |
252. I can not order the Druid to [[Transformers|transform and roll out]]. |
||
398. No matter what popular media says, [[Mortal Kombat|harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.]] |
398. No matter what popular media says, [[Mortal Kombat|harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.]] |
||
409. I will not [[In Soviet Russia, Trope Mocks You|cast darkness at the magic missile]]. |
409. I will not [[In Soviet Russia, Trope Mocks You|cast darkness at the magic missile]]. |
||
469. If I wake up to find [[The Lord of the Rings|black cloaked figures]] in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room. |
469. If I wake up to find [[The Lord of the Rings|black cloaked figures]] in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings' room. |
||
529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]]. |
529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]]. |
||
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] |
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]] |
||
931. [[The Order of the Stick|No one's afraid of plants.]] |
931. [[The Order of the Stick|No one's afraid of plants.]] |
||
936. [[The Exorcist|'The power of Christ compels me']] does not justify my Blessed's actions. |
936. [[The Exorcist|'The power of Christ compels me']] does not justify my Blessed's actions. |
||
996. [[The Order of the Stick|Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies]]. |
996. [[The Order of the Stick|Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies]]. |
||
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits [[Roots|his name is Toby.]] |
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits [[Roots|his name is Toby.]] |
||
1012. Note to self: [[Star Wars|Lightsaber]][[8-Bit Theater|chucks]]...BAD IDEA |
1012. Note to self: [[Star Wars|Lightsaber]][[8-Bit Theater|chucks]]...BAD IDEA |
||
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on [[Transformers|Decepticons]]. |
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on [[Transformers|Decepticons]]. |
||
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass. |
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass. |
||
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]]. |
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]]. |
||
1222. It's a strangehold. Not an Ogryn [[Star Trek|neck pinch]]. |
1222. It's a strangehold. Not an Ogryn [[Star Trek|neck pinch]]. |
||
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]". |
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]". |
||
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]]. |
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]]. |
||
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]] |
1484. Just because I can, doesn't mean I should [[The Wizard of Oz|drop a house on the witch.]] |
||
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in [[National Treasure|invisible ink]]. |
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in [[National Treasure|invisible ink]]. |
||
1541. While highly effective, [[Repo! The Genetic Opera|grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on]]. |
1541. While highly effective, [[Repo! The Genetic Opera|grabbing a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on]]. |
||
1618. Any character even remotely resembling [[Mr. B Natural]] is dead before the first dice are rolled. |
1618. Any character even remotely resembling [[Mr. B Natural]] is dead before the first dice are rolled. |
||
1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard. |
1643. Despite [[Monty Python and the Holy Grail|precedent]], if the travel gets rough, we can't eat the bard. |
||
1710. "Mooning [[Street Fighter|M. Bison]]" is not an appropriate stunt action. |
1710. "Mooning [[Street Fighter|M. Bison]]" is not an appropriate stunt action. |
||
1716. [[The Order of the Stick|Summon Para-Legal Elemental]] is not a real spell. |
1716. [[The Order of the Stick|Summon Para-Legal Elemental]] is not a real spell. |
||
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar [[Watership Down|Watership]]. |
1736. Can't name my rabbit familiar [[Watership Down|Watership]]. |
||
1854. TSR is not hiding [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Golden Tickets]] in Mystara Gazetteers. |
1854. TSR is not hiding [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory|Golden Tickets]] in Mystara Gazetteers. |
||
1868. Playing [[the Who]] doesn't give me a bonus to [[CSI: Miami|forensics checks]]. |
1868. Playing [[the Who]] doesn't give me a bonus to [[CSI: Miami|forensics checks]]. |
||
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. }} |
1980. The druid can't transform into a sports car. Even if we [[Turbo Teen|douse him]] [[Ranma ½|with hot water]]. }} |
||
* [[Similarly Named Works]] |
* [[Similarly Named Works]] |
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808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons. |
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons. |
||
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. |
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building. |
||
1016. Even if spells are [[Vancian Magic|use them or lose them]], I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin. |
1016. Even if spells are [[Vancian Magic|use them or lose them]], I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin. |
||
1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead. |
1167. I can stop rolling at 7x dead. |
||
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas. |
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas. |
||
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A. |
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A. |
||
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill. |
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill. |
||
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment. |
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment. |
||
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet. |
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet. |
||
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
||
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder. |
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder. |
||
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. |
2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus. |
||
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}} |
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}} |
||
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
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* [[The Unpronouncable]] |
* [[The Unpronouncable]] |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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459. The [[Vampire: The Masquerade|vampire clan]] with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'. |
459. The [[Vampire: The Masquerade|vampire clan]] with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'. |
||
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
||
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }} |
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }} |
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* [[Useless Useful Spell]] |
* [[Useless Useful Spell]] |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!" |
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!" |
||
502. If my character is not named "[[Transformers|Grimlock]]," I cannot start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock!]]" |
502. If my character is not named "[[Transformers|Grimlock]]," I cannot start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock!]]" |
||
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
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* [[Virgin Sacrifice]]: |
* [[Virgin Sacrifice]]: |
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* [[Whatevermancy]]: |
* [[Whatevermancy]]: |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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334. Pinball is not a specialization [[The Who|for wizards]]. |
334. Pinball is not a specialization [[The Who|for wizards]]. |
||
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic. |
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic. |
||
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. }} |
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. }} |
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* [[What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?]]: |
* [[What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?]]: |
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351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast. |
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast. |
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739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. |
739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first. |
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814. Sending the villain a [[Inhumanly Beautiful Race|Nymph]] stripper only [[Brown Note|works]] once. |
814. Sending the villain a [[Inhumanly Beautiful Race|Nymph]] stripper only [[Brown Note|works]] once. |
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1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true. }} |
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true. }} |
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* [[You Can't Thwart Stage One]]: |
* [[You Can't Thwart Stage One]]: |
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{{reflist}} |
{{reflist}} |
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[[Category:Things Mr Welch Is No Longer Allowed To Do In An RPG]] |
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[[Category:Pages needing more categories]] |
[[Category:Pages needing more categories]] |
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[[Category:Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG]] |
[[Category:Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG]] |
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[[Category:Gaming Humor]] |
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[[Category:Funny]] |
Revision as of 19:51, 15 December 2014
Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of aversions, and often really funny.
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons and Dragons. Other games that appear frequently include Star Wars, Deadlands, Cyberpunk 2020, 7th Sea, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Aeon Trinity, Iron Claw, and GURPS.
Read the full list here:
- Numbers 1 - 500
- Numbers 501 - 1000
- Numbers 1001 - 1500
- Numbers 1501 - 2000
- Numbers 2001 - 2225.
- Broken down by game system: click the right arrow. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.
Compare Skippy's List. Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Dangerously Genre Savvy. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific.
A
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch. |
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. |
222. Druids are not against my religion. |
1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders. |
- Ambiguously Jewish: Averted.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. |
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual. |
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife. |
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans. |
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over. |
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. |
- Ax Crazy: On a number of occasions.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades. |
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment. |
B
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. |
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat. |
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good. |
1369. Elves do too have nipples. |
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God". |
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair. |
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again. |
- BFG:
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back. |
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
- Biggus Dickus: Possibly implied.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can. |
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-Elves do not automatically go both ways. |
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not. |
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell. |
616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip. |
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex. |
1185. Paladins do too urinate. |
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check. |
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects. |
C
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut. |
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes." |
952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed. |
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. |
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian. |
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. |
637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters. |
- Cherry Tapping: Acceptable in and of itself, but...
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes. |
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. |
- Combat Medic: Plan A — don't get hurt.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine. |
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol. |
130. I am not authorized to form the head. |
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!" |
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy. |
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not. |
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it. |
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams. |
- CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. |
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats. |
- Creator's Pet: Knows how to take advantage of them.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover. |
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds. |
- Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along. |
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis. |
D
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: For his GMs, at least.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery. |
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. |
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. |
- Defied Trope / Enforced Trope: The GMs to what he does.
- Deal with the Devil:
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check. |
- Despair Event Horizon: Caused one in the player themselves.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed. |
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. |
- Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
- Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster. |
E
2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen. |
1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire. |
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. |
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. |
- He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles/ephebophiles.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait. |
- Everything Makes a Mushroom: Especially his fireball spells.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!" |
- Everything's Deader with Zombies: Don't get bitten when he's around.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. |
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. |
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook. |
- Experience Points: Has more than a few ideas of how to earn more.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer. |
- Expy: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on Keith Moon.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds. |
F
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. |
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six. |
177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right. |
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton. |
- Follow the Leader: Similar in style to Skippys List of the "213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being The Loonie.
- This blog is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
- Football Hooligans:
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill. |
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later. |
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes. |
1786. Albanians do not count as furries. |
G
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. |
- Game Breaker: Numerous times In-Universe.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Gangsta Style: The page quote.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. |
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies. |
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. |
- Genki Girl / Keet: This seems to be how he plays elves.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out. |
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. |
- God Test: Inverted
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. |
- Godzilla Threshold: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
- Golem: Adds a few more the Monster Manual "forgot".
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. |
- GMPC:
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
- Gratuitous Foreign Language: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding gibberish)...
- Grievous Harm with a Body:
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. |
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. |
1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop. |
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things. |
1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. |
H
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci. |
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? |
- Healing Hands: Which are apparently rather... naughty.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands. |
1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them. |
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. |
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero. |
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant. |
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. |
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW 2. |
- Hive Mind: Ninjas do not have them.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. |
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. |
9. My monk's lips must be in sync. |
- Hulk Speak: Banned
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech. |
- Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon. |
- A few items on his list qualify as well:
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
I
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book. |
- I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much Nethack.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
- Although there are some limits:
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat. |
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm. |
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages. |
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill. |
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Guilty so many times.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond". |
- Inescapable Ambush: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try. |
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. |
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first. |
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. |
- Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
J-K
568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. |
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife. |
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work. |
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda. |
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. [2] |
L
- Lampshade Hanging: Also disallowed.
- Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, Chaotic Stupid describes him far too well...
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Literal Genie: He's got a backup plan for this guy.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. |
1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. |
- Logic Bomb: Back to the genie.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
- The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at Malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players. |
- Loophole Abuse: CONSTANTLY. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. [3]
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. |
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
- Lost Him in a Card Game: He's not even allowed to make the bet.
- Lost in Translation: On purpose.
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
- Loveable Sex Maniac: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls. |
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels. |
M
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. |
- Make a Wish: Not with this guy.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'. |
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents. |
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times. |
- Mid-Battle Tea Break: Defied.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer. |
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales. |
617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo |
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. |
- Mook Chivalry: Averted!
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
- Most Common Superpower: Doesn't actually count as a superpower, no.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power. |
- Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist. |
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes. |
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys". |
N
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. |
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women. |
- Never Mess with Granny: His characters can come from some seriously deadly ancestors.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother. |
141. My maid does not know kung fu. |
- Noodle Incident / Noodle Implements: All the time.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please. |
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
O
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery. |
- Off the Rails: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet. |
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. |
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game. |
- Only Smart People May Pass: He can be a bit too smart.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly. |
- Our Gnomes Are Weirder: His are much, much weirder.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'. |
- Overused Copycat Character: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are. |
P
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn't count as a disguise check. |
- Patron Saint: Related to the page quote. However...
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. |
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. |
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits. |
- Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario just to create dissonance.)
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
- Politically-Correct History: Sort of.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600. |
1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of. |
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
- Professional Wrestling: Apparently, his campaign takes the concept of "gimmick infringement" very seriously.
211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies. |
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.' |
R
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. |
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne. |
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. |
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date. |
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt." |
- Reference Overdosed: Hoo boy.
- Religion of Evil:
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. |
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. |
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. |
- Rules Lawyer: Too many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here. See "Loophole Abuse" above for a sample.
S
526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two." |
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it. |
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. |
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. |
- Screw Destiny: Denied.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter." |
- Screw You, Elves: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf. |
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof. |
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack. |
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. |
389. My Samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. |
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens. |
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber. |
- Shout-Out: TONS of these.
25. The green elf does not need food badly. |
1333. I will tell the Noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- Spanner in the Works: He has a knack for playing this role.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. |
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. |
- Spare Body Parts: Denied.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. |
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? |
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. |
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
T
- Tactful Translation: ...or not?
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet. |
- Taking You with Me: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur." |
- Talking the Monster to Death: Not appreciated by the DMs (that Mr. Welch plays with.)
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. |
- Talking Your Way Out: Also not appreciated by the DMs.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them. |
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target. |
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams. |
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries. |
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow. |
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation. |
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor. |
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Welch is not allowed to invoke it in-universe.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art. |
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. |
U
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: In-Universe
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way. |
459. The vampire clan with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'. |
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. |
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram. |
V
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin. |
- Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid. |
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!" |
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. |
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
W
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. |
- Wasteful Wishing: Over a dozen, including:
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game." |
390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. |
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents. |
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying. |
- We Need a Distraction: Greatly limited.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal. |
597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards. |
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept. |
- Whip It Good: Not the Weapon of Choice of the Goddess of Marriage.
- Whoring / Crippling Overspecialization:
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Incidentally, yes, most variations of the other kind are banned too.
- With Catlike Tread:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. |
Y
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail. |
- You All Meet in An Inn: Not good enough for him.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. |
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast. |
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure. |
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live. |
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode. |
- ↑ (...And it's actually a simile. Inside a metaphor.)
- ↑ (That's because he entered it wrong.)
- ↑ Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.
- ↑ (What about areas where women already had the vote pre-1912?)
- ↑ (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)