Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions
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1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence [[Katanas Are Just Better|with a katana]].<br /> |
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence [[Katanas Are Just Better|with a katana]].<br /> |
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1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.<br /> |
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can't take a prestige class at level 4.<br /> |
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1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw.<br /> |
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1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.<br /> |
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can't mount a flamethrower on a knife.<br /> |
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1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.<br /> |
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can't make a man's head explode.<br /> |
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1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]].<br /> |
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC's in the head [[Villainous Demotivator|does not improve morale]].<br /> |
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1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.<br /> |
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can't parry an artillery barrage with my fists.<br /> |
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1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]]. |
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can't play a viking [[Mad Scientist]]. <br /> |
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2155. Getting multiple entries in a game's first errata is not a badge of honor.}} |
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* [[Alien Blood]]: |
* [[Alien Blood]]: |
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{{quote| 1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood.}} |
{{quote| 1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood.}} |
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* [[Ambiguously Jewish]]: Averted. |
* [[Ambiguously Jewish]]: Averted. |
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{{quote| 14. Ogres are not kosher.}} |
{{quote| 14. Ogres are not kosher.}} |
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* [[Anything That Moves]]: |
* [[Anything That Moves]]: |
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{{quote| 1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.}} |
{{quote| 1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.}} |
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* [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign]]: |
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{{quote| 2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his [[Warhammer 40000|genetically engineered uber space Mongolian]] after Genghis Khan's wife. }} |
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* [[Attack Its Weak Point]]: |
* [[Attack Its Weak Point]]: |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.<br /> |
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.<br /> |
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731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause [[Highlander|a cool pyrotechnics display]]. }} |
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause [[Highlander|a cool pyrotechnics display]]. }} |
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* [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny]]: |
* [[Attention Deficit Ooh Shiny]]: |
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{{quote| 1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not [[Mission Impossible|disavow knowledge of him]] until after the mission is over.}} |
{{quote| 1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not [[Mission Impossible|disavow knowledge of him]] until after the mission is over.}} |
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{{quote| 843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.}} |
{{quote| 843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.}} |
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* [[Chainsaw Good]]: |
* [[Chainsaw Good]]: |
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{{quote| 240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.<br /> |
{{quote| 240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. <br /> |
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618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. |
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. <br /> |
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1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
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}} |
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* [[Character Alignment]]: . |
* [[Character Alignment]]: . |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| |
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1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.<br /> |
1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.<br /> |
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1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character. }} |
1905. No nailing the GM's girlfriend's character. }} |
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* [[Empty Piles of Clothing]] |
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{{quote| 2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen.}} |
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* [[Epic Flail]]: |
* [[Epic Flail]]: |
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{{quote| 1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my [[Jerry Lee Lewis|Great Balls of Fire]].}} |
{{quote| 1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my [[Jerry Lee Lewis|Great Balls of Fire]].}} |
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{{quote| 13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.<br /> |
{{quote| 13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.<br /> |
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832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. }} |
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super [[NPC]] to foot the bill. }} |
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* [[Gratuitous Disco Sequence]]: |
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{{quote|43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.<br /> |
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2023. Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald's musical performances is abusing Grumfather's gift.<br /> |
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2231. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy.}} |
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* [[Gratuitous Foreign Language]]: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign|gibberish]])... |
* [[Gratuitous Foreign Language]]: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding [[As Long as It Sounds Foreign|gibberish]])... |
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* [[Grievous Harm with a Body]]: |
* [[Grievous Harm with a Body]]: |
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211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.<br /> |
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.<br /> |
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294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.<br /> |
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.<br /> |
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964. Elves aren't marsupials. |
964. Elves aren't marsupials. <br /> |
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1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.<br /> |
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1369. Elves do to have nipples.<br /> |
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1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.<br /> |
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2030. Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design<br /> |
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2120. Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.<br /> |
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2121. Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.<br /> |
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2122. The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.<br /> |
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2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off "shatter proof".}} |
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* [[Hit Points]]: |
* [[Hit Points]]: |
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{{quote| 31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.<br /> |
{{quote| 31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.<br /> |
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{{quote| 73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.<br /> |
{{quote| 73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.<br /> |
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524. I will not ask my gun for advice.<br /> |
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.<br /> |
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1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested. |
1359. I can't call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it's the one that the game suggested.<br /> |
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2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance. }} |
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* [[I Know Your True Name]]: |
* [[I Know Your True Name]]: |
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{{quote| 1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.}} |
{{quote| 1438. You can't find true names in a phone book.}} |
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{{quote| 1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.<br /> |
{{quote| 1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.<br /> |
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1404. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a "scout". }} |
1404. I will not spoil the adventure's mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a "scout". }} |
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* [[In My Language, That Sounds Like...]] |
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{{quote|261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.}} |
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* [[I Surrender, Suckers]]: |
* [[I Surrender, Suckers]]: |
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{{quote| 18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.}} |
{{quote| 18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.}} |
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999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules]].<br /> |
999. I can't [[Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory|train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules]].<br /> |
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1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.<br /> |
1512. My canine officer can't spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.<br /> |
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1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him. |
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can't recruit the deer to replace him. <br /> |
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2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.<br /> |
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2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum rush the super villain.<br /> |
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2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric version.<br /> |
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2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.}} |
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* [[Mook Horror Show]] |
* [[Mook Horror Show]] |
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{{quote| 617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo}} |
{{quote| 617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo}} |
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* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]: |
* [[My Friends and Zoidberg]]: |
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{{quote| 219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".}} |
{{quote| 219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".}} |
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* [[Narcissist]]: |
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{{quote| 204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.<br /> |
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760. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.<br /> |
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1718. I don't have to name everything we discover after myself.}} |
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* [[Naughty Tentacles]]: |
* [[Naughty Tentacles]]: |
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{{quote| 1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.}} |
{{quote| 1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.}} |
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1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.<br /> |
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he's organically grown.<br /> |
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1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.<br /> |
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn't mean we need to water him.<br /> |
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1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can't start a forced breeding program.<br /> |
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1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.<br /> |
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.<br /> |
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1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?<br /> |
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?<br /> |
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99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.<br /> |
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.<br /> |
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619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.<br /> |
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.<br /> |
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798. Assault Shotguns are not hostage situation-appropriate weapons.<br /> |
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958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.<br /> |
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.<br /> |
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973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.<br /> |
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.<br /> |
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529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]].<br /> |
529. My character is not from [[Dune|Duncan, Idaho]].<br /> |
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909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]]<br /> |
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry [[Lost in Space|"DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"]]<br /> |
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931. [[The Order of the Stick|No one's afraid of plants.]]<br /> |
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936. [[The Exorcist|'The power of Christ compels me']] does not justify my Blessed's actions.<br /> |
936. [[The Exorcist|'The power of Christ compels me']] does not justify my Blessed's actions.<br /> |
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996. [[The Order of the Stick|Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies]].<br /> |
996. [[The Order of the Stick|Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies]].<br /> |
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1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass.<br /> |
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every [[Doctor Who|police box]] we pass.<br /> |
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1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]].<br /> |
1187. It's okay to feed the Ewok [[Gremlins|after midnight]].<br /> |
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1222. It's a strangehold. Not an Ogryn [[Star Trek|neck pinch]].<br /> |
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1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]".<br /> |
1287. Let's not taunt the minotaur with "[[Monkey Island|How appropriate]], [[You Fight Like a Cow]]".<br /> |
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1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]].<br /> |
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|his dire tiger green and orange]].<br /> |
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* [[Stuff Blowing Up]]: |
* [[Stuff Blowing Up]]: |
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{{quote| 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br /> |
{{quote| 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br /> |
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1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me. |
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.<br /> |
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2230. Even if we were told to use all of it, can't use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend. }} |
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* [[Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion]] |
* [[Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion]] |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| 46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.}} |
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* [[Summon Bigger Fish]]: |
* [[Summon Bigger Fish]]: |
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{{quote| |
{{quote| 583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned.}} |
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* [[Suspiciously Apropos Music]]: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka. |
* [[Suspiciously Apropos Music]]: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka. |
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{{quote| 43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.}} |
{{quote| 43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.}} |
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* [[Tactful Translation]]: ...or not? |
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{{quote| 76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.}} |
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* [[Take That]]: |
* [[Take That]]: |
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{{quote| 1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet.<br /> |
{{quote| 1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet.<br /> |
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1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.<br /> |
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.<br /> |
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1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last ''[[Star Wars]]'' trilogy not suck.<br /> |
1773. Can't use a wish spell to make the last ''[[Star Wars]]'' trilogy not suck.<br /> |
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1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination. |
1782. I will remember we're playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination. <br /> |
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2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn't mean he starts at MSNBC. }} |
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* [[Taking You with Me]]: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One. |
* [[Taking You with Me]]: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One. |
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{{quote| 171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur."}} |
{{quote| 171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur."}} |
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1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.<br /> |
1595. We aren't raising the villain from the dead because we haven't killed him enough yet.<br /> |
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1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.<br /> |
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.<br /> |
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1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder. |
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder. <br /> |
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2025. There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.<br /> |
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2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.}} |
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* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
* [[Thrown Out the Airlock]]: |
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{{quote| 159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.<br /> |
{{quote| 159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.<br /> |
Revision as of 11:51, 7 June 2014
Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of aversions, and often really funny.
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons and Dragons. Other games that appear frequently include Star Wars, Deadlands, Cyberpunk 2020, 7th Sea, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Aeon Trinity, Iron Claw, and GURPS.
Read the full list here:
- Numbers 1 - 500
- Numbers 501 - 1000
- Numbers 1001 - 1500
- Numbers 1501 - 2000
- Numbers 2001 - 2225.
- If you want to see it broken down by game system, start here and click the right arrow. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.
Compare Skippys List. Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Dangerously Genre Savvy. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific.
Provides examples of:
A-E
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch. |
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. |
222. Druids are not against my religion. |
- Aint No Rule: Mr. Welch loves to try this. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. [1]
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1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
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- Ambiguously Jewish: Averted.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. |
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual. |
2011. There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan's wife. |
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1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over. |
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. |
- Ax Crazy: On a number of occasions.
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1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment. |
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. |
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat. |
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good. |
1369. Elves do too have nipples. |
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1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair. |
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again. |
- BFG:
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1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
- Biggus Dickus: Possibly implied.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can. |
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-Elves do not automatically go both ways. |
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not. |
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
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616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
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1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex. |
1185. Paladins do too urinate. |
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check. |
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1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects. |
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut. |
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes." |
952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed. |
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. |
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian. |
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
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637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters. |
- Cherry Tapping: Acceptable in and of itself, but...
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes. |
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. |
- Combat Medic: Plan A — don't get hurt.
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130. I am not authorized to form the head. |
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!" |
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy. |
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not. |
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it. |
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams. |
- CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. |
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats. |
- Creator's Pet: Knows how to take advantage of them.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover. |
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds. |
- Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
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348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: For his GMs, at least.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery. |
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. |
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. |
- Defied Trope / Enforced Trope: The GMs to what he does.
- Deal with the Devil:
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check. |
- Despair Event Horizon: Caused one in the player themselves.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed. |
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. |
- Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
- Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster. |
2022. I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen. |
1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire. |
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. |
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. |
- He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles/ephebophiles.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait. |
- Everything Makes a Mushroom: Especially his fireball spells.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!" |
- Everything's Deader with Zombies: Don't get bitten when he's around.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. |
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. |
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook. |
- Experience Points: Has more than a few ideas of how to earn more.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer. |
- Expy: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on Keith Moon.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds. |
F-J
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. |
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six. |
177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right. |
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton. |
- Follow the Leader: Similar in style to Skippys List of the "213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being The Loonie.
- This blog is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
- Football Hooligans:
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill. |
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later. |
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes. |
1786. Albanians do not count as furries. |
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. |
- Game Breaker: Numerous times In-Universe.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Gangsta Style: The page quote.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. |
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. |
- Genki Girl / Keet: This seems to be how he plays elves.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out. |
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. |
- God Test: Inverted
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. |
- Godzilla Threshold: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
- Golem: Adds a few more the Monster Manual "forgot".
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. |
- GMPC:
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
- Gratuitous Foreign Language: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding gibberish)...
- Grievous Harm with a Body:
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. |
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. |
1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop. |
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things. |
1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. |
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci. |
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? |
- Healing Hands: Which are apparently rather... naughty.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands. |
1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them. |
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. |
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero. |
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant. |
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. |
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW 2. |
- Hive Mind: Ninjas do not have them.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. |
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. |
9. My monk's lips must be in sync. |
- Hulk Speak: Banned
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech. |
- Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon. |
- A few items on his list qualify as well:
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book. |
- I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much Nethack.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
- Although there are some limits:
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat. |
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1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages. |
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114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Guilty so many times.
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- Inescapable Ambush: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try. |
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. |
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first. |
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. |
- Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
- Jackass Genie:
568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
K-O
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. |
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work. |
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda. |
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. [3] |
- Lampshade Hanging: Also disallowed.
- Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, Chaotic Stupid describes him far too well...
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46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Literal Genie: He's got a backup plan for this guy.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. |
1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. |
- Logic Bomb: Back to the genie.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
- The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
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- Loophole Abuse: CONSTANTLY.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
- Lost Him in a Card Game: He's not even allowed to make the bet.
- Lost in Translation: On purpose.
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
- Loveable Sex Maniac: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
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1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. |
- Make a Wish: Not with this guy.
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5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times. |
- Mid-Battle Tea Break: Defied.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer. |
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617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo |
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. |
- Mook Chivalry: Averted!
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me. |
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- Most Common Superpower: Doesn't actually count as a superpower, no.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power. |
- Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist. |
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219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys". |
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself. |
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women. |
- Never Mess with Granny: His characters can come from some seriously deadly ancestors.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother. |
141. My maid does not know kung fu. |
- Noodle Incident / Noodle Implements: All the time.
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561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery. |
- Off the Rails: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
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1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet. |
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. |
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game. |
- Only Smart People May Pass: He can be a bit too smart.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly. |
- Our Gnomes Are Weirder: His are much, much weirder.
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- Overused Copycat Character: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
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P-T
- Patron Saint: Related to the page quote. However...
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. |
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. |
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits. |
- Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario just to create dissonance.)
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
- Politically-Correct History: Sort of.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600. |
1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of. |
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- Professional Wrestling: Apparently, his campaign takes the concept of "gimmick infringement" very seriously.
211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies. |
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.' |
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. |
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne. |
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. |
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date. |
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt." |
- Reference Overdosed: Hoo boy.
- Religion of Evil:
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. |
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. |
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. |
- Rules Lawyer: so many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here.
- Sailor Earth:
526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two." |
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532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. |
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. |
- Screw Destiny: Denied.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter." |
- Screw You, Elves: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
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170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof. |
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack. |
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. |
389. My Samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. |
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens. |
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- Shout-Out: TONS of these.
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1333. I will tell the Noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- Spanner in the Works: He has a knack for playing this role.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. |
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. |
- Spare Body Parts: Denied.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. |
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? |
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. |
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
- Tactful Translation: ...or not?
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet. |
- Taking You with Me: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur." |
- Talking the Monster to Death: Not appreciated by the DMs (that Mr. Welch plays with.)
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. |
- Talking Your Way Out: Also not appreciated by the DMs.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them. |
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target. |
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams. |
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159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow. |
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation. |
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor. |
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Welch is not allowed to invoke it in-universe.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art. |
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. |
U-Z
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: In-Universe
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
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12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. |
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram. |
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin. |
- Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
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401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. |
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. |
- Wasteful Wishing: Over a dozen, including:
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390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. |
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents. |
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying. |
- We Need a Distraction: Greatly limited.
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597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
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- Whip It Good: Not the Weapon of Choice of the Goddess of Marriage.
- Whoring / Crippling Overspecialization:
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- Incidentally, yes, most variations of the other kind are banned too.
- With Catlike Tread:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. |
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail. |
- You All Meet in An Inn: Not good enough for him.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. |
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1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure. |
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live. |
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode. |
- ↑ Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.
- ↑ (...And it's actually a simile. Inside a metaphor.)
- ↑ (That's because he entered it wrong.)
- ↑ (What about areas where women already had the vote pre-1912?)
- ↑ (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)