Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do In An RPG: Difference between revisions
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1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion. }} |
1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn't violate anybody's religion. }} |
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* [[Aint No Rule]]: Mr. Welch loves to try this. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. <ref>Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.</ref> |
* [[Aint No Rule]]: Mr. Welch loves to try this. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. <ref>Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.</ref> |
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{{quote| 24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.<br /> |
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24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.<br /> |
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311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.<br /> |
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.<br /> |
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337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.<br /> |
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.<br /> |
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1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. }} |
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence. }} |
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* [[Ambiguous Gender]] / [[Elfeminate]]: |
* [[Ambiguous Gender]] / [[Elfeminate]]: |
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{{quote| 550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.<br /> |
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550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.<br /> |
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1207. There is no such thing as "ambiguously elven".<br /> |
1207. There is no such thing as "ambiguously elven".<br /> |
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1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.<br /> |
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.<br /> |
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{{quote| 1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.}} |
{{quote| 1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual.}} |
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* [[Attack Its Weak Point]]: |
* [[Attack Its Weak Point]]: |
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{{quote| 176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.<br /> |
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176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.<br /> |
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388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.<br /> |
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.<br /> |
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517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.<br /> |
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.<br /> |
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1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker. }} |
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker. }} |
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* [[Ax Crazy]]: On a number of occasions. |
* [[Ax Crazy]]: On a number of occasions. |
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{{quote| 11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.<br /> |
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11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.<br /> |
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240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in [[Chainsaw Good|chainsaw]] is vetoed.<br /> |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in [[Chainsaw Good|chainsaw]] is vetoed.<br /> |
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416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.<br /> |
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.<br /> |
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{{quote| 1369. Elves do too have [[Nipple-and-Dimed|nipples]].}} |
{{quote| 1369. Elves do too have [[Nipple-and-Dimed|nipples]].}} |
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* [[Battle Cry]]: |
* [[Battle Cry]]: |
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{{quote| 64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]".<br /> |
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64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]".<br /> |
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74. My thief's battle cry is not "[[Dirty Coward|Run And Live]]".<br /> |
74. My thief's battle cry is not "[[Dirty Coward|Run And Live]]".<br /> |
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75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".<br /> |
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps".<br /> |
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* [[Beethoven Was an Alien Spy]] |
* [[Beethoven Was an Alien Spy]] |
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{{quote| 1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. [[Noodle Incident|Again.]]}} |
{{quote| 1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. [[Noodle Incident|Again.]]}} |
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* [[BFG]]: |
* [[BFG]]: |
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{{quote| 29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.<br /> |
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29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.<br /> |
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112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.<br /> |
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.<br /> |
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192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.<br /> |
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.<br /> |
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{{quote| 1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.}} |
{{quote| 1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.}} |
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* [[Blatant Lies]]: |
* [[Blatant Lies]]: |
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{{quote| 1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.<br /> |
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1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.<br /> |
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1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.<br /> |
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn't going to believe I'm the new captain.<br /> |
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1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.<br /> |
1818. Can't make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.<br /> |
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{{quote| 616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.}} |
{{quote| 616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.}} |
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* [[Bondage Is Bad]]: |
* [[Bondage Is Bad]]: |
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{{quote| 28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.<br /> |
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28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.<br /> |
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302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.<br /> |
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.<br /> |
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1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a [[Safe Word|safety word.]] }} |
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a [[Safe Word|safety word.]] }} |
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{{quote| 1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.}} |
{{quote| 1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check.}} |
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* [[Brick Joke]] |
* [[Brick Joke]] |
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{{quote| 502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock]]".<br /> |
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502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock]]".<br /> |
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516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.<br /> |
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.<br /> |
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1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.<br /> |
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.<br /> |
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618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. }} |
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not [[Gears of War|a substitute for a bayonet]]. }} |
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* [[Character Alignment]]: . |
* [[Character Alignment]]: . |
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{{quote| 122. The paladin's alignment is not [[Lawful Stupid|Lawful Anal]].<br /> |
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122. The paladin's alignment is not [[Lawful Stupid|Lawful Anal]].<br /> |
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218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.<br /> |
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.<br /> |
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413. The [[Chaotic Neutral]] alignment [[Chaotic Stupid|is forever closed to me]].<br /> |
413. The [[Chaotic Neutral]] alignment [[Chaotic Stupid|is forever closed to me]].<br /> |
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{{quote| 61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}} |
{{quote| 61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.}} |
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* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt. |
* [[Combat Medic]]: Plan A — don't get hurt. |
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{{quote| 233. If I am the medtech [[Not That Kind of Doctor|it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine]].<br /> |
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233. If I am the medtech [[Not That Kind of Doctor|it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine]].<br /> |
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271. [[Instant Drama Just Add Tracheotomy|Tracheotomies]] are best left to characters with skills in medicine.<br /> |
271. [[Instant Drama Just Add Tracheotomy|Tracheotomies]] are best left to characters with skills in medicine.<br /> |
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498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.<br /> |
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.<br /> |
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1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. }} |
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. }} |
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* [[Combat Pragmatist]]: |
* [[Combat Pragmatist]]: |
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{{quote| 80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.<br /> |
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80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.<br /> |
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194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.<br /> |
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.<br /> |
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363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.<br /> |
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.<br /> |
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{{quote| 940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}} |
{{quote| 940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.}} |
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* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw. |
* [[Cutting the Knot]]: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw. |
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{{quote| 367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.<br /> |
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367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.<br /> |
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400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.<br /> |
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.<br /> |
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417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.<br /> |
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.<br /> |
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* [[Hulk Speak]]: Banned |
* [[Hulk Speak]]: Banned |
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{{quote| 502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".<br /> |
{{quote| 502. If my name isn't [[Transformers|Grimlock]], can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock".<br /> |
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516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. |
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
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* [[Human Shield]]: |
* [[Human Shield]]: |
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{{quote| 376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.<br /> |
{{quote| 376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.<br /> |
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{{quote| 855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.}} |
{{quote| 855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.}} |
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* [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy]]: |
* [[Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy]]: |
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{{quote| 431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot."}} |
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416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.<br /> |
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431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot."}} |
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* [[Impossibly Cool Weapon]]: |
* [[Impossibly Cool Weapon]]: |
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{{quote| 1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.}} |
{{quote| 1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.}} |
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* [[Improbable Weapon User]] / [[Improvised Weapon]]: |
* [[Improbable Weapon User]] / [[Improvised Weapon]]: |
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{{quote| 425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.<br /> |
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425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.<br /> |
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1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.<br /> |
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.<br /> |
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1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism. }} |
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism. }} |
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786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet. }} |
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet. }} |
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* [[Incredibly Lame Pun]]: Guilty so many times. |
* [[Incredibly Lame Pun]]: Guilty so many times. |
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{{quote| 92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".<br /> |
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92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond".<br /> |
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205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.<br /> |
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.<br /> |
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751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".<br /> |
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach".<br /> |
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* [[It Makes Sense in Context]]: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example: |
* [[It Makes Sense in Context]]: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example: |
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{{quote| 346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.}} |
{{quote| 346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.}} |
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** Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. |
** Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future". |
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* [[Jackass Genie]]: |
* [[Jackass Genie]]: |
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{{quote| 568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'}} |
{{quote| 568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.'}} |
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{{quote| 262. [[Railroading|When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.]]}} |
{{quote| 262. [[Railroading|When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.]]}} |
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* [[Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid]]: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, [[Chaotic Stupid]] describes him ''far'' too well... |
* [[Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid]]: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, [[Chaotic Stupid]] describes him ''far'' too well... |
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{{quote| 122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.<br /> |
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122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.<br /> |
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445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with "a little less lawful, a little more good."<br /> |
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with "a little less lawful, a little more good."<br /> |
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651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.<br /> |
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.<br /> |
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{{quote| 199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'}} |
{{quote| 199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.'}} |
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* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition. |
* [[The Loonie]]: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition. |
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{{quote| 1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Malkavians]], [[Dungeons and Dragons|kobolds]] or [[Dragonlance|kender]]. [[In and Out of Character|Or their players.]]<br /> |
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1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at [[Vampire: The Masquerade|Malkavians]], [[Dungeons and Dragons|kobolds]] or [[Dragonlance|kender]]. [[In and Out of Character|Or their players.]]<br /> |
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1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.<br /> |
1385. Even if I couldn't attend the session when everything went to hell, it's still my fault.<br /> |
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1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }} |
1426. I am not "He who must not be named only in passing." }} |
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61. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. }} |
61. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language. }} |
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* [[Loveable Sex Maniac]]: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things. |
* [[Loveable Sex Maniac]]: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things. |
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{{quote| 51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.<br /> |
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51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.<br /> |
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125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.<br /> |
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.<br /> |
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661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.<br /> |
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.<br /> |
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1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce [[Street Fighter II|Chun Li. And Cammy.]] }} |
1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce [[Street Fighter II|Chun Li. And Cammy.]] }} |
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* [[Ludicrous Gibs]]: |
* [[Ludicrous Gibs]]: |
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{{quote| 510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.<br /> |
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510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.<br /> |
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1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.<br /> |
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.<br /> |
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1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.<br /> |
1690. I don't get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.<br /> |
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{{quote| 1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.}} |
{{quote| 1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.}} |
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* [[Make a Wish]]: Not with this guy. |
* [[Make a Wish]]: Not with this guy. |
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{{quote| 97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.<br /> |
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97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'.<br /> |
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227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."<br /> |
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."<br /> |
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257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.<br /> |
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.<br /> |
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1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes. }} |
1658. The words "Rock Opera" will not appear in any of my wishes. }} |
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* [[Make Wrong What Once Went Right]]: |
* [[Make Wrong What Once Went Right]]: |
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{{quote| 145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.<br /> |
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145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.<br /> |
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1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.<br /> |
1511. No using the time machine to set the "Star Spangled Banner" to anything by White Zombie.<br /> |
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1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.<br /> |
1634. If it's revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.<br /> |
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{{quote| 1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.}} |
{{quote| 1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.}} |
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* [[The Minion Master]]: |
* [[The Minion Master]]: |
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{{quote| 24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.<br /> |
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24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.<br /> |
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299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.<br /> |
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.<br /> |
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337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.<br /> |
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.<br /> |
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{{quote| 932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.}} |
{{quote| 932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.}} |
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* [[More Dakka]]: |
* [[More Dakka]]: |
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{{quote| |
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{{quote| 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br /> |
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15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br /> |
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440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.<br /> |
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.<br /> |
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557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.<br /> |
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.<br /> |
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{{quote| 1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.}} |
{{quote| 1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.}} |
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* [[Mundane Utility]]: |
* [[Mundane Utility]]: |
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{{quote| |
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{{quote| 7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.<br /> |
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7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.<br /> |
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183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.<br /> |
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.<br /> |
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544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.<br /> |
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.<br /> |
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{{quote| 141. My maid does not [[I Know Karate|know kung fu]].}} |
{{quote| 141. My maid does not [[I Know Karate|know kung fu]].}} |
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* [[Noodle Incident]] / [[Noodle Implements]]: ''All the time.'' |
* [[Noodle Incident]] / [[Noodle Implements]]: ''All the time.'' |
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{{quote| 63. No, I cannot buy [[Animal House|10,000 marbles even if I say please]].<br /> |
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63. No, I cannot buy [[Animal House|10,000 marbles even if I say please]].<br /> |
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93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.<br /> |
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.<br /> |
||
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''.<br /> |
101. I am not allowed to pave ''anything''.<br /> |
||
Line 688: | Line 715: | ||
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray. }} |
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray. }} |
||
* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it. |
* [[Off the Rails]]: He's tried. The DMs don't like it. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.<br /> |
|||
38. When investigating evil [[Cult|cultists]] not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.<br /> |
|||
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.<br /> |
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.<br /> |
||
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.<br /> |
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.<br /> |
||
Line 707: | Line 735: | ||
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle. }} |
1534. I will raise my hand if I've already heard the DM's riddle. }} |
||
* [[Our Gnomes Are Weirder]]: His are much, much weirder. |
* [[Our Gnomes Are Weirder]]: His are much, much weirder. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.<br /> |
|||
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'.<br /> |
|||
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.<br /> |
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.<br /> |
||
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.<br /> |
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'.<br /> |
||
Line 718: | Line 747: | ||
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods. }} |
1367. Gnomes are not nature's tripods. }} |
||
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these. |
* [[Overused Copycat Character]]: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.<br /> |
|||
13. Must not murder canon [[NPC|NPCs]] in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.<br /> |
|||
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.<br /> |
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.<br /> |
||
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. }} |
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7. }} |
||
Line 744: | Line 774: | ||
{{quote| 1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, [[wikipedia:Silver halide|no matter what we all know it's made out of.]]}} |
{{quote| 1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, [[wikipedia:Silver halide|no matter what we all know it's made out of.]]}} |
||
* [[Power Perversion Potential]]: |
* [[Power Perversion Potential]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.<br /> |
|||
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.<br /> |
|||
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.<br /> |
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.<br /> |
||
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.<br /> |
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.<br /> |
||
Line 786: | Line 817: | ||
{{quote| 526. If an [[NPC]] is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two."}} |
{{quote| 526. If an [[NPC]] is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two."}} |
||
* [[Sanity Meter]]: |
* [[Sanity Meter]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.<br /> |
|||
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.<br /> |
|||
829. Despite the song's claim, [[Rocky Horror Picture Show|a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss]].<br /> |
829. Despite the song's claim, [[Rocky Horror Picture Show|a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss]].<br /> |
||
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.<br /> |
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.<br /> |
||
Line 798: | Line 830: | ||
{{quote| 339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter."}} |
{{quote| 339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter."}} |
||
* [[Screw You, Elves]]: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players. |
* [[Screw You, Elves]]: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.<br /> |
|||
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.<br /> |
|||
89. The elf's name is not [[Bored of the Rings|Legolam]].<br /> |
89. The elf's name is not [[Bored of the Rings|Legolam]].<br /> |
||
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.<br /> |
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.<br /> |
||
Line 835: | Line 868: | ||
{{quote| 1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.}} |
{{quote| 1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.}} |
||
* [[Shotguns Are Just Better]]: |
* [[Shotguns Are Just Better]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.<br /> |
|||
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.<br /> |
|||
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.<br /> |
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.<br /> |
||
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.<br /> |
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.<br /> |
||
Line 841: | Line 875: | ||
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns. }} |
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don't give bonuses to shotguns. }} |
||
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these. |
* [[Shout-Out]]: TONS of these. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 25. The green elf [[Gauntlet (1985 video game)|does not need food badly]].<br /> |
|||
25. The green elf [[Gauntlet (1985 video game)|does not need food badly]].<br /> |
|||
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to [[Knights of the Dinner Table|sit on the same side of the table]].<br /> |
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to [[Knights of the Dinner Table|sit on the same side of the table]].<br /> |
||
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]".<br /> |
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "[[Warhammer 40000|Good for the Good God]]".<br /> |
||
Line 884: | Line 919: | ||
{{quote| 16. I will not beat [[Tomb of Horrors]] in less than 10 minutes from memory.<br /> |
{{quote| 16. I will not beat [[Tomb of Horrors]] in less than 10 minutes from memory.<br /> |
||
1213. No, we can't see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour. }} |
1213. No, we can't see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour. }} |
||
* Spare Body Parts: Denied. |
* [[Spare Body Parts]]: Denied. |
||
{{quote| 68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.}} |
{{quote| 68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.}} |
||
* [[STD Immunity]]: |
* [[STD Immunity]]: |
||
Line 893: | Line 928: | ||
{{quote| 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br /> |
{{quote| 15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.<br /> |
||
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me. }} |
1925. Can't disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me. }} |
||
* Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion |
* [[Subverted Rhyme Every Occasion]] |
||
{{quote| 46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.}} |
{{quote| 46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.}} |
||
* [[Summon Bigger Fish]]: |
* [[Summon Bigger Fish]]: |
||
Line 917: | Line 952: | ||
{{quote| 1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.}} |
{{quote| 1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams.}} |
||
* [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill]]: |
* [[There Is No Kill Like Overkill]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.<br /> |
|||
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.<br /> |
|||
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.<br /> |
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.<br /> |
||
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.<br /> |
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.<br /> |
||
Line 950: | Line 986: | ||
{{quote| 1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.}} |
{{quote| 1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.}} |
||
* [[Un Entendre]]: |
* [[Un Entendre]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.<br /> |
|||
472. When my cleric is told to "Buff the Elf", I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.<br /> |
|||
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.<br /> |
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.<br /> |
||
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack. }} |
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack. }} |
||
* [[The Unpronouncable]] |
* [[The Unpronouncable]] |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 459. The [[Vampire: The Masquerade|vampire clan]] with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'.<br /> |
|||
459. The [[Vampire: The Masquerade|vampire clan]] with vicissitude is not pronounced 'Karl'.<br /> |
|||
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.<br /> |
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.<br /> |
||
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }} |
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce. }} |
||
Line 964: | Line 1,002: | ||
{{quote| 26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.}} |
{{quote| 26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.}} |
||
* [[Vampire Hunter]]: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems. |
* [[Vampire Hunter]]: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.<br /> |
|||
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.<br /> |
|||
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.<br /> |
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.<br /> |
||
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.<br /> |
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.<br /> |
||
Line 979: | Line 1,018: | ||
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires. }} |
1851. Can't use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires. }} |
||
* [[Verbal Tic]]: |
* [[Verbal Tic]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!"<br /> |
|||
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word "Ariba!"<br /> |
|||
502. If my character is not named "[[Transformers|Grimlock]]," I cannot start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock!]]"<br /> |
502. If my character is not named "[[Transformers|Grimlock]]," I cannot start every sentence with "[[Hulk Speak|Me Grimlock!]]"<br /> |
||
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock. }} |
||
Line 989: | Line 1,029: | ||
{{quote| 313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.}} |
{{quote| 313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.}} |
||
* [[Wasteful Wishing]]: Over a dozen, including: |
* [[Wasteful Wishing]]: Over a dozen, including: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."<br /> |
|||
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."<br /> |
|||
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.<br /> |
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.<br /> |
||
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish".<br /> |
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish".<br /> |
||
Line 1,001: | Line 1,042: | ||
{{quote| 206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.}} |
{{quote| 206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.}} |
||
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited. |
* [[We Need a Distraction]]: Greatly limited. |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.<br /> |
|||
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.<br /> |
|||
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.<br /> |
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.<br /> |
||
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.<br /> |
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn't mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.<br /> |
||
Line 1,012: | Line 1,054: | ||
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me. }} |
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me. }} |
||
* [[Whatevermancy]]: |
* [[Whatevermancy]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 334. Pinball is not a specialization [[The Who|for wizards]].<br /> |
|||
334. Pinball is not a specialization [[The Who|for wizards]].<br /> |
|||
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.<br /> |
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.<br /> |
||
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. }} |
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats. }} |
||
* [[What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?]]: |
* [[What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.<br /> |
|||
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.<br /> |
|||
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.<br /> |
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.<br /> |
||
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.<br /> |
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.<br /> |
||
Line 1,022: | Line 1,066: | ||
* [[Whip It Good]]: ''Not'' the [[Weapon of Choice]] of the Goddess of Marriage. |
* [[Whip It Good]]: ''Not'' the [[Weapon of Choice]] of the Goddess of Marriage. |
||
* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]: |
* [[Whoring]] / [[Crippling Overspecialization]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.<br /> |
|||
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.<br /> |
|||
381. Min/Max for combat{{=}}good. Min/Max for accounting{{=}}bad.<br /> |
381. Min/Max for combat{{=}}good. Min/Max for accounting{{=}}bad.<br /> |
||
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on ''[[The Price Is Right]]''.<br /> |
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on ''[[The Price Is Right]]''.<br /> |
||
Line 1,038: | Line 1,083: | ||
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab. }} |
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn't mean the Barbarian needs rehab. }} |
||
* [[You Can Leave Your Hat On]]: |
* [[You Can Leave Your Hat On]]: |
||
{{quote| |
|||
{{quote| 351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.<br /> |
|||
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast.<br /> |
|||
739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.<br /> |
739. Can't make the Black Ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.<br /> |
||
814. Sending the villain a Nymph stripper only works once.<br /> |
814. Sending the villain a [[Inhumanly Beautiful Race|Nymph]] stripper only [[Brown Note|works]] once.<br /> |
||
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true. }} |
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it's true. }} |
||
* [[You Can't Thwart Stage One]]: |
* [[You Can't Thwart Stage One]]: |
Revision as of 14:49, 17 May 2014
Things Mr. Welch Is Not Allowed To Do In An RPG is Exactly What It Says on the Tin — a list of things Mr. Welch, poster boy for The Loonie, has been banned from doing in Tabletop Games. It is long (2,050 items at last count), imaginative, full of aversions, and often really funny.
The original list of 25 debuted in 2005 on a Livejournal entry by TheGlen, but has since been updated every few weeks in blocks of 25. According to the author, the list contains jokes related to over fifty different roleplaying games, the majority of which regard the various editions of Dungeons and Dragons. Other games that appear frequently include Star Wars, Deadlands, Cyberpunk 2020, 7th Sea, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Aeon Trinity, Iron Claw, and GURPS.
Read the full list here:
- Numbers 1 - 500
- Numbers 501 - 1000
- Numbers 1001 - 1500
- Numbers 1501 - 2000
- Numbers 2001 - 2225.
- If you want to see it broken down by game system, start here and click the right arrow. In some cases, this reveals jokes that wouldn't otherwise be obvious.
Compare Skippys List. Compare and contrast the Evil Overlord List, which is more about becoming Dangerously Genre Savvy. There is also a similar list, "Things Runs-Like-Hell is not allowed to do in the Garou Nation", which is Werewolf: The Apocalypse specific.
Provides examples of:
A-E
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch. |
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed. |
222. Druids are not against my religion. |
- Aint No Rule: Mr. Welch loves to try this. The DMs, however, are rarely cooperative. Note that there is no actual rule that Mr. Welch must follow these rules. [1]
|
1477. If I'm playing an alien, I can't have alkaline for blood. |
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be. |
|
- Ambiguously Jewish: Averted.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual. |
|
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism. |
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over. |
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much. |
- Ax Crazy: On a number of occasions.
|
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment. |
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby. |
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat. |
1041. Doesn't matter if I'm just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point. |
460. I'd better have a real good excuse for being a Necromancer if I'm Lawful Good. |
1369. Elves do too have nipples. |
|
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain's lair. |
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peak at the future. Again. |
- BFG:
|
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can't both represent the same person. |
- Biggus Dickus: Possibly implied.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait. |
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can. |
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-Elves do not automatically go both ways. |
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not. |
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous. |
|
616. Even if they are the same clichéd acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder. |
|
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it's vetoed is she's clearly my Ex. |
1185. Paladins do too urinate. |
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn't require a strength check. |
|
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can't catch bullets with my pects. |
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut. |
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes." |
952. Kiefer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed. |
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark. |
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad. |
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian. |
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult. |
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed. |
|
637. German characters do not get a +4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters. |
- Cherry Tapping: Acceptable in and of itself, but...
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste. |
1816. The Druid doesn't have to change sides every time the tide changes. |
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him. |
- Combat Medic: Plan A — don't get hurt.
|
|
130. I am not authorized to form the head. |
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is "thank you" not "took your freaking time!" |
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy. |
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not. |
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn't immune to, he's immune to it. |
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams. |
- CPR: Clean, Pretty, Reliable: Minus the Clean, Pretty, and Reliable part, of course.
1909. Combat boots don't give bonuses to CPR checks. |
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats. |
- Creator's Pet: Knows how to take advantage of them.
1982. If the GM's pet NPC has tons of Plot Armor, can't use her for cover. |
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds. |
- Cutting the Knot: To think outside of the box, it seems he cuts his way out with a chainsaw.
|
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis. |
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay. |
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: For his GMs, at least.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery. |
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet. |
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character. |
- Defied Trope / Enforced Trope: The GMs to what he does.
- Deal with the Devil:
1597. Devils don't appreciate natural 20's on a bargain check. |
- Despair Event Horizon: Caused one in the player themselves.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead. |
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing. |
1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that's not left handed. |
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer. |
- Dungeon Bypass: A good number of the entries on the list. These include but are certainly not limited to...
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside. |
- Dungeonmaster's Girlfriend: Apparently the cause of strife more than once.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster. |
1139. My weapon is a +3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire. |
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things. |
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry. |
- He also seems to have a particular dislike for pedophiles/ephebophiles.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn't joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait. |
- Everything Makes a Mushroom: Especially his fireball spells.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit. |
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire. |
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement "Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!" |
- Everything's Deader with Zombies: Don't get bitten when he's around.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000. |
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet. |
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint. |
1036. My druid can't summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it's not allowed in the rulebook. |
- Experience Points: Has more than a few ideas of how to earn more.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer. |
- Expy: The #1 entry prevents him from basing characters on Keith Moon.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds. |
F-J
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again. |
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed. |
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six. |
177. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right. |
- Fat Bastard
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton. |
- Follow the Leader: Similar in style to Skippys List of the "213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army", though Mr. Welch has claimed repeatedly the resemblance was not intentional. This list has also inspired people to make threads in forums, which are quickly filled up by other people being The Loonie.
- This blog is a variant containing things that have one of the aforementioned inspired people wrote, specifically referencing Mr. Welch and Skippy.
- Football Hooligans:
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill. |
1768. My monk can't convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they're easy to beat up later. |
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes. |
1786. Albanians do not count as furries. |
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1. |
- Game Breaker: Numerous times In-Universe.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Gangsta Style: The page quote.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways 'gangsta style' does not add to my intimidate check. |
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds. |
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos. |
- Genki Girl / Keet: This seems to be how he plays elves.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure. |
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out. |
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells. |
- God Test: Inverted
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention. |
- Godzilla Threshold: Extra care must be taken not to cross it with this guy around...
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard. |
- Golem: Adds a few more the Monster Manual "forgot".
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems. |
- GMPC:
- Gratuitous Foreign Language: German, Dutch, Japanese(-sounding gibberish)...
- Grievous Harm with a Body:
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat. |
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots. |
1193. I will avoid making wishes that lock the game in an infinite time loop. |
1947. Can't use teleport to convince the villain's henchmen he's seeing things. |
1308: Everybody was not gun-fu fighting. |
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci. |
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you? |
- Healing Hands: Which are apparently rather... naughty.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn't watch exactly where he lays on hands. |
1702. Even if it's historical[ly] accurate, can't try to heal someone by cutting them. |
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club. |
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero. |
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant. |
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals. |
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time. |
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW 2. |
- Hive Mind: Ninjas do not have them.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind. |
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song. |
9. My monk's lips must be in sync. |
- Hulk Speak: Banned
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock". |
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech. |
- Hypocritical Humor: Welch apparently hates powergamers enough to get told not to do various things that horribly mess up their game plans... and then just a bit further on he'll get admonished against using a horrifying Game Breaker build/weapon/tactic/etc. of his own. (Granted, those tactics are usually highly imaginative.)
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off, while actually appreciated, is frowned upon. |
- A few items on his list qualify as well:
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in third person. |
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick. |
1438. You can't find true names in a phone book. |
- I'm a Humanitarian: Apparently, Mr. Welch finds every playable race tasty to some degree. That, or he's played too much Nethack.
14. Ogres are not kosher. |
- Although there are some limits:
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat. |
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1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages. |
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114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once. |
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Guilty so many times.
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- Inescapable Ambush: Even if he casts Glassee on the door.
1293. I can't avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try. |
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first. |
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- It Makes Sense in Context: The alternate link in the main article that sorts the list by game makes certain jokes and certain prohibitions more obvious for example:
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. |
- Makes more sense when you know he tried it in a 3.5 Dungeons and Dragons game. In his defense, the Dungeon Master's Guide does contain rules for a limited selection of sci-fi weapons just in case the DM wants to humor this type of request or incorporate them as strange artifacts into a game. And theoretically compatible "d20 Future".
- Jackass Genie:
568. My first wish cannot be 'I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish.' |
K-O
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check. |
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil. |
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn't work. |
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda. |
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start. [3] |
- Lampshade Hanging: Also disallowed.
- Lawful Stupid Chaotic Stupid: He tries to make up his own alignments, but gets turned down each time. Most of the time, though, Chaotic Stupid describes him far too well...
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46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save. |
- Literal Genie: He's got a backup plan for this guy.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes. |
1046. We can't stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain. |
- Logic Bomb: Back to the genie.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish.' |
- The Loonie: If only fictional examples of this kind of player could be quite so dedicated to it... but he doesn't seem to like competition.
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- Loophole Abuse: CONSTANTLY.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck. |
- Lost Him in a Card Game: He's not even allowed to make the bet.
- Lost in Translation: On purpose.
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating. |
- Loveable Sex Maniac: Quite possibly Welch himself, given the number of sex-related things.
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1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves. |
- Make a Wish: Not with this guy.
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5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills. |
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the Identical Twin advantage 22 times. |
- Mid-Battle Tea Break: Defied.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown. |
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check. |
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer. |
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617: the forehead is not an appropriate place for a killcount holo-tattoo |
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games. |
- Mook Chivalry: Averted!
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me. |
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- Most Common Superpower: Doesn't actually count as a superpower, no.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power. |
- Enforced in by at least one of his Dungeonmasters.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist. |
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219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys". |
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women. |
- Never Mess with Granny: His characters can come from some seriously deadly ancestors.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother. |
141. My maid does not know kung fu. |
- Noodle Incident / Noodle Implements: All the time.
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561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin. |
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery. |
- Off the Rails: He's tried. The DMs don't like it.
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1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet. |
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement. |
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game. |
- Only Smart People May Pass: He can be a bit too smart.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly. |
- Our Gnomes Are Weirder: His are much, much weirder.
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- Overused Copycat Character: Mr. Welch seems to have an extreme dislike of these.
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P-T
- Patron Saint: Related to the page quote. However...
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense. |
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means. |
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits. |
- Playing Against Type: Funnily enough, Mr. Welch has even used this trope to its full advantage. (Presumably, he did this during the one-shot, then went back to normal when the new DM started a full scenario just to create dissonance.)
1870. If I'm invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can't play a serious straight laced character. |
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round. |
- Politically-Correct History: Sort of.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600. |
1117. Can't strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it's made out of. |
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- Professional Wrestling: Apparently, his campaign takes the concept of "gimmick infringement" very seriously.
211. If, at any point, my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, he dies. |
1755. Calling my shot means 'Where I want to hit him' not 'Where I want him to land.' |
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises. |
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne. |
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place. |
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation. |
1775. Just because I spared the villain's life doesn't mean she owes me a first date. |
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt." |
- Reference Overdosed: Hoo boy.
- Religion of Evil:
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'. |
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin. |
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing. |
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest. |
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything. |
- Rules Lawyer: so many items on the list begin with the phrase "Even if the rules allow it" to be listed here.
- Sailor Earth:
526. If an NPC is known as the "One," I cannot volunteer to be the "Two." |
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532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people. |
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending. |
- Screw Destiny: Denied.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter." |
- Screw You, Elves: Mr. Welch seems to relish in tormenting the pointy-eared folk and their players.
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170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof. |
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phaser. |
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack. |
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away. |
389. My Samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster. |
1785. I can't play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens. |
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- Shout-Out: TONS of these.
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1333. I will tell the Noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start. |
- Spanner in the Works: He has a knack for playing this role.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door. |
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory. |
- Spare Body Parts: Denied.
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs. |
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it? |
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform. |
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A. |
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so. |
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned. |
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Actually, he has been banned from subversions thereof. No marching to polka.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat. |
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can't speak in Leet. |
- Taking You with Me: Instead of a bomb, he uses a Great Old One.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur." |
- Talking the Monster to Death: Not appreciated by the DMs (that Mr. Welch plays with.)
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer. |
- Talking Your Way Out: Also not appreciated by the DMs.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them. |
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target. |
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn't mean an Abrams. |
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159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals. |
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow. |
189. Tourette's is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation. |
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren't going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor. |
- True Art Is Incomprehensible: Welch is not allowed to invoke it in-universe.
1396. No matter his condition, we aren't selling the villain's corpse as modern art. |
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal. |
U-Z
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: In-Universe
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque. |
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12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer. |
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram. |
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin. |
- Vampire Hunter: He hunts bloodsuckers with extreme prejudice, it seems.
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401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic. |
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection. |
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off. |
- Wasteful Wishing: Over a dozen, including:
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390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics. |
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents. |
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying. |
- We Need a Distraction: Greatly limited.
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597. The party does not need to know about that time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother. |
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- Whip It Good: Not the Weapon of Choice of the Goddess of Marriage.
- Whoring / Crippling Overspecialization:
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- Incidentally, yes, most variations of the other kind are banned too.
- With Catlike Tread:
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can't sneak with a running chainsaw. |
1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug. |
1798. Can't start every game breaking out of jail. |
- You All Meet in An Inn: Not good enough for him.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel. |
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1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure. |
1022. Can't start the game with 24 hours to live. |
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode. |
- ↑ Although it's covered under "Rule 0," the rule common to most RPGs that the GM's word supersedes any printed rules.
- ↑ (...And it's actually a simile. Inside a metaphor.)
- ↑ (That's because he entered it wrong.)
- ↑ (What about areas where women already had the vote pre-1912?)
- ↑ (Sidhe is correctly pronounced "Shee".)