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Johnny

Played by Tommy Wiseau

• Catch Phrase: Oh hai, (name).
  • His laugh is distinctive and frequent to the point where it almost counts. uhahah.
• Driven to Suicide
• Dull Surprise: "I deed naght hit her! It's naght true! It's Bowlschit! I deed naght hit her! I deed NAAAGHT... Oh, hi Mark!"
• Four-Temperament Ensemble: The Melancholic.
• Gonk
• The Hero
• Large Ham: Somehow manages to overlap this with Dull Surprise.
• Lip Lock: Has a bad case of it.
• Looks Like Cesare
• The Messiah
• Nice Guy: Lets see, he apparently buys Lisa a dozen red roses every time they make love, or at least often enough to be the flower shop lady's favorite customer, and would do anything for. He's paying for Denny's college and tuition without asking for anything in return. Is incredibly nice to all of his friends and seems to only want to make Lisa happy.
• Rapunzel Hair
• Too Good for This Sinful Earth
• Unstoppable Rage
• What the Hell Is That Accent?
• You No Take Candle: Slips into this at times, most notably "Everybody betray me! I fed up with this world!"

Lisa

Played by Juliette Danielle

• Catch Phrase: "I don't want to talk about it"
• The Chick: Right down to being in a Love Triangle with The Hero and The Lancer.
• Four-Temperament Ensemble: The Choleric.
• Informed Attractiveness: Lisa's actress isn't ugly, but she still does not quite live up to how beautiful all the men act like she is.
  • Beauty Is Bad
  • Hot Girls Are Bitches
• It's All About Me
• Jerkass
• Mean Character, Nice Actor: Lisa is a self-serving, manipulative witch willing to screw others to get what she wants. Juliette Danielle, on the other hand, according to her Facebook, is a Kindhearted Cat Lover.
• The Unfair Sex: Inverted Trope; everyone acts like the affair is her fault while downplaying Mark's role.
• Your Cheating Heart

Mark

Played by Greg Sestero

• Beauty Is Bad
• Dull Surprise: His reaction every time Lisa invites him over "to talk" and then winds up trying to sleep with him.
• Four-Temperament Ensemble: The Phlegmatic.
• I'm a Man, I Can't Help It: The presumed explanation for The Unfair Sex below.
• Important Haircut: Subverted. He shaves his beard and everyone makes a big deal out of it, but it doesn't signal a change in character.
• The Lancer: He's Johnny's best friend.
• Mr. Fanservice
• The Stoner
• The Unfair Sex: Inverted Trope; everyone acts like the affair is Lisa's fault.

Denny

Played by Philip Haldiman

• Compressed Vice: His drug dealings with Chris-R are brought up once and then never again afterward.
• Four-Temperament Ensemble: The Sanguine.
• Girlfriend in Canada: Possibly. We never do meet "Elizabeth" even when it would make sense for her to appear (the aftermath of the Chris-R incident, Johnny's party...)
• Kid Appeal Character
• Phrase Catcher: "Oh hai, Denny!"
• Man Child: To a degree. He keeps trying to go upstairs with Johnny and Lisa when he knows they're going to have sex, and presumably wants to join in, then follows them upstairs and jumps on the bed. He also talks about how he's "In Love" with Lisa like a 7-year old, and fawns over her to a creepy effect.
• No Social Skills
• Tagalong Kid

Claudette

Played by Carolyn Minnott

• Evil Matriarch: Has bits of it.
• The Mentor: The closest thing this movie has to one. Naturally, she's very bad at it.
• What Happened to the Mouse?: Her breast cancer.

Mike

Played by Mike Holmes

• Beta Couple: With Michelle.
• The Big Guy
• Plucky Comic Relief

Michelle

Played by Robyn Paris

• Beta Couple: With Mike.

Chris-R

Played by Dan Janjigian

• Chandler's Law
• Cluster F-Bomb
• Drug Dealer From Nowhere: Isn't really referenced until he shows up to try and get Denny to pay him. After that, he is never mentioned or referenced again.
• Gangsta Style: How he holds his gun.
• Hot-Blooded
• Large Ham
• No Indoor Voice
• One-Scene Wonder
• Sir Swearsalot
• Sleeves Are for Wimps

Peter

Played by Kyle Vogt

• Brainy Specs
• Busman's Holiday: Is still playing the Psychologist even when he's off-duty.
• Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Mysteriously disappears midway through the movie, and is never mentioned again.
• Only Sane Man: Even in real life.
• The Smart Guy
• What Happened to the Mouse?: His actor quit mid-movie, so he disappears and Steven takes his place.

Steven

Played by Greg Ellery

• Eleventh-Hour Ranger
• Large Ham
• No Name Given: His name is not mentioned at any point in the film, except in the end credits.
• Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Originally, Peter had Steven's role, but his actor quit during filming, leading to Steven's creation.

Doggie

As Himself

• Just for Fun

Flower Shop Lady

• Ambiguously Lesbian
• Just for Fun