Rule Number One

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"If somebody you knew, whether they were a criminal or a window washer, constantly talked about "the rules", you would never want to hang out with this fuckin' nitwit, would you? You're washing the window and the fucker says, 'Rule #1. No streaks.' What an annoying dude. Get him away from me." —Vern, reviewing The Transporter

He's in a dangerous or uncomfortable situation with other people who are less experienced or trustworthy than him, and he wants to make some things seriously clear. So he bluntly declares a numbered list of "rules" for the situation. Beginning, of course, with Rule Number One, and following it with Rule Number Two, and so forth. The implication of setting out these rules, and providing a semblance of structure by numbering them, is that they are resolute and unquestionable, and that breaking these rules will lead to dire consequences.

Of course, the character could just be using this stock phrase rhetorically, and simply conveying advice or admonishments.

A recent version of this trope has become so popular that nowadays, 90% of these will be Stock Shout-Outs to Fight Club -- "Rule Number One of [X]: You do not talk about [X]" and/or "Rule Number One: [Y]. Rule Number Two: [Y]!"

There Are No Rules is a subversion.

The Thieves' Guild most often has each of its members adhere to certain numbered rules.

For the other Rule Number One, see Badass Grandpa.

Characters who live by The Rules are obviously on the Lawful side of Character Alignment, but there's nothing stopping them from being Lawful Good or Lawful Evil. In fact, expect the latter from the Obstructive Bureaucrat who can cite pretty much any Rule that justifies him/her not doing anything remotely reasonable or helpful.

Examples of Rule Number One include:

Anime and Manga

• There is to be no discrimination between humans and robots in the Eve no Jikan.

Comic Books

• In an issue of Alan Moore's Wild CATS run, one of the MERCs says: "Rule number 1: Don't @#$%& us. There's no Rule number 2"
• Fett Club, a Star Wars Expanded Universe Infinities comic making fun of Fight Club, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, fanboys, Jar Jar Binks and other assorted subjects.
  1. The first rule of Fett Club: you do not talk about Fett Club.
  2. The second rule of Fett Club: you do not talk about Fett Club!
  3. The third rule of Fett Club: raise your hand and wait to be called on. Mandalorians do not give out info needlessly.
  4. The fourth rule of Fett Club: ignorance is not bliss. It's deadly. So be confident.
  5. The fifth rule of Fett Club: don't be stupid!
  6. The sixth rule of Fett Club: know your limitations.
  7. The seventh rule of Fett Club: no Gungans. Ever!
  8. The eighth rule of Fett Club: we do not gamble with our money. We invest.
  9. The ninth rule of Fett Club: when answering an advertisement always read the fine print.

Fan Works

• Shows up a few times in Drunkard's Walk
  • In chapter 4 of Drunkard's Walk VIII: Harry Potter and the Man from Otherearth, when Doug -- the current Defense teacher at Hogwarts -- instinctively blocks a Confrigo cast by Draco Malfoy, and his personal Wild Magic lets him actually catch and hold the spell. As The Narrator, he then notes

Rule number one when you're a teacher, I learned long ago at Warriors Academy, was "Never admit you don't know what you're doing." So I made like a cat and pretended that catching the spell was what I had intended all along...

• And in chapter 3 of Drunkard's Walk S: Heart of Steel, when Doug explains the concept of "operational security" to Sailor Moon, he paraphrases an example that appears elsewhere on this page:

I opened my mouth, then shut it and chuckled. "It's almost ten years too early for this joke, but... 'The first rule of Sailor Club is you do not talk about Sailor Club.'"

• Invoked by Taylor late in the Worm/Harry Potter crossover A Wand for Skitter:

"Even you can't face Voldemort," she said. "He's almost as good as Dumbledore." "I can't beat him in a fair fight," I said. I looked at Harry. "But what's the first rule?" "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line?" he asked. I grinned. "Yeah, and for today I'm the Sicilian."

Film

• "The first rule of Fight Club is - you do not talk about Fight Club."
  • "The second rule of Fight Club is - you do not talk about Fight Club." Just in case you were curious.
• The Transporter: "Rule number one: Never change the deal." "Rule number two: No names." "Rule number three: Never open the package."
• The Karate Kid Part II:

Mr. Miyagi: Aha... here are the Two Rules of Miyagi-Ryu Karate. Rule Number One: "Karate for defense only." Rule Number Two: "Always remember Rule Number One."

• Scream: Randy Meeks's rules to surviving a scary movie, with Rule Number One being, "you can never have sex".
• Starship Troopers: "This is for all you new people: I only have one rule. Everyone fights. No one quits. You don't do your job, I'll shoot you myself. You get me?"
• Ghostbusters: Don't cross the streams....
• Twins: The rules of a crisis situation -

Rule 1: Don't move too soon. Rule 2: If you choose to bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called. Rule 3: Duck.

• Zombieland has Columbus' list of 32 rules for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

Rule 1: Cardio. Rule 2: Double Tap. Rule 3: Beware of bathrooms. Rule 17: Don't be a hero.

• Fluke: Rumbo (Samuel L. Jackson) delivers a variety of Rule Number Ones throughout the movie as a catch phrase.

Literature

• In Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, Richard is breaking into his girlfriend's apartment when he receives a mysterious phone call describing "the rules of breaking into an apartment". Rule number one is "never answer the phone".
• In Terry Pratchett's novel Thief of Time, Lu-Tze often reminds people about Rule One. Unfortunately for them, not everyone gets the message. Rule One is "Never act incautiously when confronted by a little bald wrinkly smiling man!"
  • And then there's Rule Nineteen, which is "Never forget Rule One, and ask yourself why it was invented in the first place."
• Matthew Stover's Caine has three rules. They really boil down to "I'm the boss and can kill you to maintain this authority", and serve more to operate as a coercive threat than as a code of behaviour. If he ever asks you "What's Rule Two?", then you, my friend, are in deep shit.
• Richard Sharpe has three rules for the men who serve under him: 1) Don't get drunk without permission. 2) Don't steal unless it is from the enemy or you are starving. 3) When it is time to fight, fight like bastards.
• Miles Vorkosigan's cousin Ivan, critiquing someone else's covert op that almost failed miserably: "You play games like that with the big boys, you'd better make damn sure you win, Miles says. Rule One. And there is no Rule Two."
• In Alice in Wonderland, the King of Hearts reads out Rule Forty-two: "All persons more than a mile high to leave the court."

`Well, I sha'n't go, at any rate,' said Alice: `besides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now.' `It's the oldest rule in the book,' said the King. `Then it ought to be Number One,' said Alice.

• From Mass Effect: Revelation:

"I have two rules I follow," Saren explained. "The first is: never kill someone without a reason." "And the second?" Anderson asked, suspicious. "You can always find a reason to kill someone."

• And then there's the Wizard's First Rule, for which the first book of Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth series of Objectivist Author Tracts High Fantasy novels was named:

"People are stupid; given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything. Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true, or because they are afraid it might be true. People's heads are full of knowledge, facts, and beliefs, and most of it is false, yet they think it all true. People are stupid; they can only rarely tell the difference between a lie and the truth, and yet they are confident they can, and so are all the easier to fool."

• The Borribles don't number the rules that guide their Chaotic Neutral/Chaotic Good society, but the one most often cited is "Don't get caught."

Live Action TV

• Star Trek: Ferengi are immensely fond of quoting Rules of Acquisition.

First Rule of Acquisition: Once you have their money, you never give it back. 33rd Rule of Acquisition: It never hurts to suck up to the boss. 45th Rule of Acquisition: Expand or die. Unwritten Rule of Acquisition: When no appropriate rule applies, make one up.

• • Played with: the first Rule of Acquisition was presented as #162 - to create a demand for #1 through #161.
  • A complete list of the rules (canon and non-canon) can be found here.
  • Ensign Robin Lefler, who appeared in one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Game", had "Lefler's Laws", a list of rules she made up for herself. She still uses them when she becomes a main character in Star Trek: New Frontier.
  • The Prime Directive is the Federation's Rule Number One.
• Doctor Who, "Dragonfire": The Doctor welcomes a new companion:

The Doctor: Do you fancy a quick trip around the twelve galaxies and then back to Perivale in time for tea? Ace: Ace! The Doctor: But, there are three rules. One: I'm in charge. Ace: Whatever you say, Professor. The Doctor: Two, I'm not the Professor, I'm the Doctor. Ace: Whatever you want. The Doctor: And the third... Well, I'll think up the third by the time we get back to Perivale.

• • In the Doctor Who New Adventures novel Set Piece Ace, seemingly left with no choice but to kill the Doctor to save the universe, flashes back to this conversation (and occasions when the Doctor had to make similar decisions) and decides that the third rule - her rule - is "No-one deserves to be sacrificed".
  • In the new series the following is said to companions, not that they ever listen:

The Doctor: Rule One: Don't wander off.

• • River Song's personal Rule One is, "The Doctor lies." And it turns out she was given that rule by the Doctor, along with Rule 7: "Never run when you're scared", Rule 27: "Never knowingly be serious" and Rule 408: "You should always waste time when you don't have any. Time is not the boss of you".
  • In "Human Nature", the Doctor leaves a set of 23 numbered rules for Martha to follow while he's transformed into a human and unaware of his true identity. In actuality, there were only about five instructions in the script (as Martha fast-fowards through most of them), and David Tennant hilariously ad-libbed dialogue for the skipped parts as seen here.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "The first rule of Slaying: Don't die!"
  • Not that this rule isn't broken. On more than one occasion. By the same character.
• NCIS: Gibbs' various rules, cited by the characters throughout the show. Recently revealed in a flashback to have been inspired by his future wife on the day they met. Kate and Ziva both requested that Gibbs write the rules down, only to be told that most of the rules are for day-to-day tasks. Rules in the forties however are reserved for emergencies.
  • Two rules are apparently number one (and two rules number three), likely due to an oversight on the part of the writers, although later confirmed to have been intentional. Recently^[when?], however, this was lampshaded when the female version of Gibbs from CGIS told McGee her rule number one and suggested he write it down. McGee replies that rule number one has been taken, twice.
  • The reason there are two Rules Number One is one of them refers to Gibb's personal list inspired by his wife. The other one was inherited from Mike Franks, Gibbs' boss when he first became an NCIS Agent. Mike Franks told Gibbs that he didn't need a list of rules, he only needed "Three Golden Rules". It has not been revealed which of the rules are Gibbs' and which are Franks, nor has the second Rule Number 2.
• RoboCop: The Series had an episode featuring Murphy's old partner, a cop with a set of rules amounting to "no vigilantism". When said cop was brainwashed, Robo brought him back by making him say his rules. A minute later, he was killed with a rocket launcher.
• The unproduced 2008 TV pilot Captain Cook's Extraordinary Atlas (available here) mentions three rules that were followed by Captain James Cook when exploring the more fantastic areas of the Earth, and that were supposed to be followed by subsequent "navigators".
• In one of the most well-known M*A*S*H episodes ("Sometimes You Hear the Bullet" - the show's first Wham! Episode and its Growing the Beard moment), Henry Blake tells Hawkeye:

Col. Blake: "All I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one."

• In Red Dwarf, Kryten would often quote the Space Corps Directives, with a number each time. Rimmer would try to do the same, but get the numbers wrong; for example, quoting Directive 34124, which Kryten informed him was "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity."
• Fight Club is parodied in the Robot Club episode of Spaced:

Robot Club Leader: Gentlemen, welcome to Robot Club. The first rule of Robot Club is, you do not talk about about Robot Club. The second rule of Robot Club is, you do not talk about Ro? wait, I? got that wrong. [Unfolding a crumpled up piece of paper and pushing up his glasses] The second rule is, no smoking. Tim: Why aren't we allowed to smoke? Mike: Shh, we're not allowed to talk about it.

• Monty Python's Flying Circus gives us the faculty rules of the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolamaloo:

"Rule one - no pooftahs. Rule two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever - if there's anybody watching. Rule three - no pooftahs. Rule four - I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their room after lights out. Rule five - no pooftahs. Rule six - There Is No Rule Six! Rule seven - no pooftahs. That concludes the reading of the rules, Bruce."

• In The Andy Griffith Show episode "The Big House", Barney Fife lays down the law for two new inmates at the jail:

Barney: "Now, here at the Rock we have two basic rules. Memorize them, so that you can say them in your sleep. The first rule is: Obey all rules. Secondly, do not write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase writing off of walls."

• • The same gag appears in Porridge, only with the rules in the opposite order.
• Harry taught Dexter a code to control his psychopathic tendencies. It had whole sections to make sure he only went after bad guys, but as he tells James Doakes toward the end of season 2 in response to the suggesting that he turn himself in, Rule Number One was always "Don't Get Caught".
  • According to Harry, that was the point of the whole endeavor, keeping Dexter alive; thus it's the first rule. Of course, no one wants anyone, even oneself, to know that he's turned his adopted son into a gory weapon of his own vigilantism. Not that it's cut-and-dried.
• In The IT Crowd, "the first rule of Street Countdown... is that you really must try and tell as many people as possible about it. It's a rather fun game and the more people you tell about it the better."

Video Games

• Conker's Bad Fur Day: In the 'Heist' multiplayer:

Don Weaso: Rule number one: My way, or 'he's a dead mother(bleep)' way.

• Mass Effect 2: While on Omega:

Aria T'Loak: Omega has no titled ruler and only one rule; Don't fuck with Aria.

Web Comics

• The Order of the Stick: "Nobody leaves, except in a casket." "Vampire thieves can't can't even leave in one of those.".
• Schlock Mercenary has the Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries. Rule one: Pillage, then burn.
  • <BOOOM> (ship computer column turns into lots of smoke and small pieces)

Captain Tagon: I didn't know you could do that. Para Ventura: The first rule of A.I. kill switches is "don't talk about the kill switch".

• • The obvious first rule of "Take this secret to your grave" club.
• Charlie's Rules for his Archons in Erfworld include:

Rule #3: We are in the business of solving problems for our clients. Corollary: Creating problems for our clients creates business.

• • ...but there's also an all-purpose loophole:

Rule #19: Charlie's rules need to be bent sometimes. Corollary: Most of the time Charlie's rules don't need to be bent.

• Precocious has so far subjected the kids to two numbered rules.
  • Rule #1: No dying!
  • Rule #4: No dynamite.
• xkcd: The first rule of the tautology club is the first rule of the tautology club.
  • The first rule of talking to me about movies is do NOT talk about Fight Club.
• No Need for Bushido has "Ken's rules to fight'n":

Ken: First, in battle yer either killin' or dyin'. So whatever you do, don't ever stop not dying. Second, we don't have time for stupid rules. So stop just standing around like a buncha idiots, and start beat'n the crap outta each other!

• Chasing the Sunset has the rule one of magic tests: "whenever anybody says that there is no rule, it will immediately be added". Which was the only rule... though not for very long, obviously.

Web Original

• From Bionicle: Federation of Fear:

Carapar: Rule number one: don't annoy the giant, tentacled monster!

Western Animation

• Aladdin‍'‍s Genie.

Genie: Rule number one: I can't kill anybody, so don't ask. Rule number two: I can't make anybody fall in love. Mwa! You little punim there. Rule number three: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!

• Phil from |Hercules has a whole list of rules for being a hero.

Phil: Rule number six: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care.

• Monsters, Inc.:

Yeti: Rule number one out here: Always... no, never go out in a blizzard.

• On Family Guy, Peter recounts the story of his ancestor, Moses Griffin, who led the Hebrews out of Egypt. His Rule Number One: Shut the hell up.
• In Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Doc appears to have a list of reasons explaining why he is sorry he became a Galaxy Ranger. He only seems to quote them when Goose is driving.

Wikis, websites and the Internet in general

• Rules of Anime.
• Rule 34, one of the Rules of the Internet.
  • As mentioned in the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition example, above, 34 was the first one created, the rest followed afterward.
• We here at ATT have has Three Rules of Three, which we inherited from TV Tropes and then played with:

But renaming this page "Two Rules of Three" doesn't seem right, somehow.

• First rule of furry fandom: You don't recover

Real Life

• The Sicilian Mafia.
• The 36 Oaths of the Triads.
• The grocery store Stu Leonard's has a sign up near the entrance that reads as follows:

Rule #1: The customer is always right. Rule #2: If the customer is ever wrong, see Rule #1.

• • Ah, so that's who we have to blame for that.
• Rule number one on the streets: No Snitching.
• Rule Number One of Holes: When you find yourself in one, stop digging.