Acts of Gord

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Gord is a local deity. Very local. He's a regular guy who owns a game store, and that makes him God over that store and its customers. Well, technically no one ever claim that Gord would be a god; it's just that the whole story of how he's running the store and deals with all kinds of moronic customers is written in the form of scripture. The nickname "Gord" helps as well.

Acts of Gord is an archive of true anecdotes about the Gamer's Edge Video Game shop in Penticton, British Columbia, Canada. Basically, this site is a mix of sarcastic storytelling and a Not Always Right focused on the rise and fall of a single retail establishment.

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Acts of Gord provides examples of:

• Animation Age Ghetto: There is one section where this happens. Two children try to rent an anime named Ninja Scroll that, due to its nature, is not a "family film". So thus he has to allow the kids' dad to come in to rent the film and he complains about having to come in "just so they could rent a cartoon". Then he comes back and yells at Gord for renting pornography to his kids.
• Badass: The Gord, anytime he chases down thieves and other jackasses.
• Bittersweet Ending: The end of the Apocalypse Book. Despite the victory, Gord hasn't returned to the game-retailer world since, leaving only what's written on the site. On the other hand, Gord seems to be very happy with his new life.
• Catch Phrase
  • "Some people's children!"
  • "Door's to your left."
• Cluster F-Bomb: Oddity -- a parent on how the profanity in Grand Theft Auto is a bad thing.
• Comically Missing the Point: "The Gord often wonders why people threaten to never come back after they've been told never to return."
• Dan Browned: Most of the "Proclamations," i.e., "Console Wars" section.
• Deadpan Snarker: Take a guess.
• Face Palm: Each page is illustrated with a facepalming Gord, each with a different complaint about stupid customers. See page illustration above for one example.
• Freak-Out: Some customers seem to do this over the tiniest things.
• God: Gord
• A Gord Am I: This is how the site is written.
• Homage
  • To Al Bundy in this Vengeance story.
  • The usually facepalming image of Gord drawn like Calvin.
• I Resemble That Remark: In Acts of Gord, Book of Annoyances, Chapter 23, a reporter asks Gord, the owner of a video game store, for a quote for the front page of the newspaper, pertaining to video game violence and its impact on society. Gord replies, "Video games don't make people more violent, and I'll kill anyone who disagrees." After a dramatic pause, the reporter replies that he doesn't think his editor can print that.
• The Quisling: The Guardian
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: The most common ending has the would-be customer/thief storm out of the store.
• Second Place Is for Losers:

"And the winner of the tournament won the controllers that were opened for the tournament (worth $80), and $20 in cash. Second place was a can of coke and an autographed picture of Gord. Third place was $20. The Gord likes to remind people that second place is just the first loser."

• Schmuck Bait
  • On numerous occasions, Gord would price crappy games higher than they were worth, or place broken hardware in tantalizing places, just to see if someone would steal them.
  • Another favorite pastime of Gord's is to take old crappy games and tag them with a sign that says, "Hey, I suck! Buy me!" The author notes with amusement that any game the sign is placed on sells out within a couple of days.
• Stealth Insult: Book of Annoyances, Chapter 3;

Gord: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I subscribe to the theory of intellectual osmosis. As such, I must now cease our conversation and move away from you before my intelligence begins to drop. Good day.

The beauty of that is that another costumer had to explain to the guy what he meant.

• Taking You with Me: When his store was being closed and robbed, Gord robbed himself.
• That Came Out Wrong:

Talking to a person about being into the hardcore gaming scene is completely different than talking to them about the hardcore anime scene. In future, I must find a new adjective. And do not, I repeat, do not say "if she is really into the hardcore anime scene, I can get import DVD's from Japan and Hong Kong" when I'm talking to a 14 year old girl's mother. Further notation: Do not attempt to salvage this by then saying "I mean, I can get DVD's from Japan that you can't get here." Next time, say "really likes anime" and "can get DVD's not on sale here yet."

• Too Dumb to Live: More than a few of Gord's customers. Special mention goes to the "Hey... FIFA." kid and the guy who used Gord as a work reference despite never working there and having never returned games he rented.
• Troll: Gord is fond of trolling the hell out of people who annoy him enough. To be fair, they pretty much always deserve it. The Book of Victory is probably the best example; specifically when he tricks a truly fucknets crazy woman into ringing his store number to complain to a nonexistant "Bureau of Video Games and Customer Service" and proceeds to tell her exactly what he thinks of her.
• Unreliable Narrator: Don't take the site too seriously.
• What Do You Mean It's Not for Kids?: See Animation Age Ghetto above.
• Would Not Hit a Girl: In The Book of Villainy, Chapter 9, Gord decides that his Curb Stomp Battle approach to handling shoplifters won't be the right way to deal with a 15-year-old girl.
• X Days Since...: In one of the stories, he comes up with the idea of having an "X days since I've had to deal with an idiot" sign. The idea being that while dealing with an idiot, he would sigh and flip it back to 0, right in front of them. He hoped the customer would be offended enough to leave.
• You Make Me Sic: "The Gord" does this whenever someone gives him a CV. An example (about halfway down).