30 "H"s

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FUCK YEAH!

There are some Fan Fics that you won't forget. This is one of them. It is a Harry Potter fanfic, just like My Immortal. It's So Bad It's Good, just like My Immortal, it has extreme Canon Defilement, just like My Immortal. However, the two are different in one key detail. Whereas My Immortal was (in theory) written by a Wangsty 13 year old girl, this was (in theory) written by an insane 13 year old boy. So, instead of goffic sorrow and vampires, we get groinsaws and demonic astronauts in the very first sentence. Instead of various emo goff bands playing every night in the same wizard town for no apparent reason, we get Fuckslayer, a guitar from a dimension where all screamed for naught, wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals. And yes, that is a direct quote.

What fanfic are we talking about? Why, Thirty Hs of course. "Thirty Hs" isn't actually the fanfic's name; like everyone's favorite Eldritch Abomination, it's just shorter and easier to remember than its real name of HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and can be pronounced without first contracting bronchitis.

Has a wonderfully disturbing Dramatic Reading of the first five chapters. Also has an incredibly hammy reading of the first six chapters, and the seventh by User:Man Without A Body. And another reading of chapters one through seven was produced by User:Pamachu.

Also, the guy who wrote it does stuff with puppets. It's about what you'd expect it to be.

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Thirty Hs provides examples of:

• Action Prologue: Begins with Harry and Dobby, wearing "space armour" adorned with groinsaws and lightning-spitting skulls, fighting astronauts from hell. It only gets better from there.
• Aerith and Bob: The names of the Inquisitors - Ignatius and Billy.
• Animate Inanimate Object: There are many of them.
• Art Major Physics: No, not Art Major. It was the fart of a firefly turned into a ravenous beast, shredding all those in its path, as Harry reached from an atom and split it, killing the fuck out of the beast.
• Batman Can Breathe in Space: In the second chapter, Harry flies through space on a meteor, with no explanation as to how he can breathe. This may be the least ridiculous thing about the fic.
• Beeping Computers: In the laboratory there are computers that serve no purpose beyond soft hums and blinking lights.
• Behind a Stick: Rape Radbury appears "from behind nothing much". Yet he's ten feet tall...
• Big Lipped Alligator Movie: Pretty much ever scene in this work is bizarre, out of nowhere, and never mentioned again.
• Black Comedy Rape: The rape ape and Rape Radbury. Nobody ever actually gets raped over the course of the story.
• Blatant Lies: This fic is tagged under Angst/Romance, and the characters as Bellatrix Lestrange and Seamus Finnigan.
• But You Faggart One Sun:

Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?

• Chainsaw Good: GROINSAWS.
• Cluster F-Bomb: "Fuck" appears more than any other word.
• Corrupt Church: Possibly the inquisitors.
• Cow Tools: There are explicitly machines that have no purpose except for blinking lights and soft hums in the laboratory.
• Crack Fic: And how!
• Crapsack World: The ecology of Surf Ninja Moon X is decimated to the point that the only food left is a cartilage and mustard sandwich.
• Creepy Crossdresser:
  • Harry wears women's underpants.
  • So do the inquisitors. Because they're all men of the Lord.
• Dark Is Not Evil: Neither Rape Radbury nor the Eldritch Abomination posing as a scientist seem to be particularly awful people. Then again, anyone looks less awful when Harry is around.
• Department of Redundancy Department: A borderline example in the line "We are bound in this ligature of lingam, Brother Rape Ape." 'Ligature' and 'lingam' both mean 'symbol', although 'lingam' is often used to refer specifically to phallic symbols. It is the rape ape, after all.
• Disintegrator Ray: Dobby's armor fires a beam of light at one of the astronauts, boiling his flesh in another dimension.
• Dissimile: "Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading."
• Earthshattering Kaboom: Harry "kills the fuck out of" two planets during the course of the story, and Dumblecop kicks another one in half.
• Eldritch Abomination: Pretty much everyone.
• Everything's Better With Monkeys: Everything's Better With Rape Apes (or not).
• Satiating Sandwich: Subverted -- Harry does not like the "cabbagewich", which might explain why it was the last piece of food on the planet of Surf Ninjas.
• Everything's Wicked With Weasels: The bald weasel with toothpicks for legs.
• Evil Weapon: Fuckslayer is a particularly unholy example; it's made out of angel menstrual blood, the horns of Satan and his generals, and heaven itself. Harry stores it in a dimension where all screams for naught. It can also destroy planets.
• Eye Scream: In the first chapter.

"How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?" Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."

• • Dobby's groinsaw is covered in retinas at this time.
• Fiction 500: Rape Radbury, who "has more money than anyone".
• Five Token Band: Parodied with a 5.8 Token Band which has "an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos."
• Flat What: The actual response in some reviews... not that one can blame them.
• Follow the Leader: It's spawned a few imitators.
  • The similarly hilarious/bizarre K-On fic whose title consists of seventeen Fs.
  • "PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP" is a slightly Bowdlerized version set in the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic universe. It directly references Thirty Hs several times, but is considerably shorter and generally follows a different (but still royally fucked up) "plot", if you could call it that.
• Gag Penis: The Rape Ape's body is apparently made up entirely of these.
• Groin Attack: The groinsaw probably counts as a bizarre inversion.
• Gushing About Shows You Like: In the span of over 300 reviews, about four of them are in any way negative.
  • Even when it ended up on Fuck Yeah Bad Fanfiction it immediately got praised instead.
• Hellfire: Or rather, holy fuckfire. Harry can encase his fists as well as meteors in it, in order to better kill the fuck out of things.
• Highly-Visible Ninja: "The silent killers of the night had negated their innate advantage by only plying their craft on surf boards. During the day."
• Humanoid Abomination:
  • The scientist of the diapers, though he fails at being a convincing humanoid.
  • Possibly Harry and Dumblecop of the Darkmeal as well.
• I Call It Vera: Fuckslayer.
• I Have Many Names: Dumbledore's name is different every time.

"I am no longer Scrumblegort." The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling. "The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."

• I'm a Humanitarian: Harry is implied to have eaten Ron... although he spits out the eyes.
• Impossibly Cool Weapon: Harry's guitar, Fuckslayer. It summons planet-killing asteroids.
• Incendiary Exponent: Holy fuckfire. When you absolutely, positively got to kill the fuck out of a planet, accept no substitutes.
• Inherently Funny Words: Groinsaws, fuckfire, rape ape, chumpits.
• In Medias Res: It starts with a battle between Harry, Dobby and demonic astronauts, which, like everything else, has nothing to do with anything and is never explained.
• In Name Only: Literally, the only similarities with Harry Potter are the names of Harrry, Dobby, Ron and Dumbledore (only the first time). There' s one mention of Hogwarts getting destroyed by Harry.
• Insane Troll Logic: Take the following sentence:

Harry: Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them.

• Instant Awesome Just Add Surf Ninja
• Killed Off for Real: Harry has killed everyone in the Universe several times, yet Dobby has yet to reappear since Harry chopped his head off.
• Knight Templar: Harry is tortured by some highly unexpected inquisitors, until they all realize they're men of the Lord.
• Last of His Kind: A rape ape. No, THE rape ape.
• Lawyer-Friendly Cameo: "Rape Radbury", who writes critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact and has more money then anyone.
• Leg Cannon: Dumblecop's leg is made of pistols. However, he doesn't shoot with it, preferring to kick planets in half.
• Makes Just As Much Sense in Context: Nothing that happens in this fic makes any sense at all.
• The Men in Black: The old man in the seventh chapter could be interpreted as this, seeing as he's in a laboratory and he has the apparent power to control Harry. He also seems scientific and addresses Harry as "a son". There's also quite a bit of Eldritch Abomination thrown into the mix, seeing as he can remove his own head.
• Mind Screw: Enough to break your brain. You have been warned.
• New Powers As the Plot Demands: Harry. Then again he might have had them since whenever he became a demonic spawn Physical God.
• Nineties Anti Hero: Harry is a hilariously over-the-top example.
• Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Many and varied. Vampire Cavemen on Mars stands out as something you've likely never heard before.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Rape Radbury.
• No Ending: Granted, it doesn't exactly follow much of a story structure in the first place, but the end of last chapter doesn't really give much resolution to even itself.
• Omnicidal Maniac: After killing everybody in the universe, Harry admonishes Dumbledore to conserve food, otherwise they'll starve, and no one will be around to revive them just to kill them again.
• Our Vampires Are Different: In the second chapter, we get astral vampires which are able to bite even when only their head remains, causing vampire cavemen on Mars when Harry throws the heads back into time to Mars, where, er, they bite cavemen.
• Parody Sue: Harry, who is also a God Mode Sue and a Villain Sue.
• Physical God:
  • Harry, to the point that he can do absolutely anything the writer needs him to do in order to have epic descriptions of whatever the hell is going on in the story. He can see sub-atomic particles by squinting, and somehow killed the fuck out of Mercury (not the god, the actual planet), and then killed the fuck out of Venus with Mercury's carcass.
  • There's also Dumblecop of the Darkmeal, who kicks a planet in half, for no apparent reason, just because he can. With a leg, made out of pistols.
• Power Metal: Used in Man Without A Body's Dramatic Reading.
• The Power of Rock: Fuckslayer.

Dumbledore: Harry, you must rock the fuck out.

• President Evil: Possibly the President of Pangea, who hangs out with omnicidal god Dumbledorp.
• Purple Prose: The fic may read like the ramblings of a Talkative Loon, but at least he's an eloquent one.
• Random Events Plot: That's putting it lightly.
• Refuge in Audacity, Refuge in Cool, and Refuge in Vulgarity all in one!

He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy fuckfire and flew through Mercury, killing the fuck out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.

• Rule of Cool: There is absolutely zero logical plot progression, however, there are legs made out of pistols, vampire caveman on Mars and a cursed book with pages MADE OUT OF LASERS and words made out of dragons, made out of motorcycles, making godless love to headless women.
• Rule of Funny: See the rest of this page.
• Scary Impractical Armor: Dobby's "elfin space armor" has skulls on the shoulders and a groinsaw.
• Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Inverted.

Harry then did fly his meteor through space, [[[Dragon Force]] starts playing] punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars.

• Serial Escalation: It's THAT over-the-top and overtopping itself many times throughout the chapters.
• Shaped Unlike Itself: Dumbledore calls Harry from his Moonbase which isn't on a moon.
• Shout Out:
  • Harry steals the last sandwich from a planet of Surf Ninjas.
  • The 5.8 children with the Rape Ape might be a reference to the 0.58 child from The Phantom Tollbooth.
  • The seventh chapter may have been influenced by Pokémon, in a deranged sort of way.
• Sinister Geometry: Demonic spheres, who rape you.
• Sir Not Appearing in This Trailer: Inverted. The fic is listed under the characters "Bellatrix L. & Seamus F.", neither of whom are even mentioned in the actual story.
• Sophisticated As Hell: The natural intersection of ludicrously Purple Prose and a Cluster F-Bomb. Probably intentional.

Dumblecop: Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?

• Space Base: Fumbledorp has a moon base, but it's not on a moon. Considering everything else that happens it wouldn't be surprising if he built himself a Death Star.
• Spot of Tea: Chumblebort offers Harry tea and "chumpits." Harry declines, as he hates chumpits.
• Surreal Horror: The seventh chapter involves warped turtles, bald ferrets with toothpicks for legs, a glass of thumb-water, and the head of an Eldritch Abomination on a spike.
• Testosterone Poisoning: See Refuge in Audacity for just one example.
• Throwing Your Sword Always Works: Launching Your Groinsaw From Your Crotch Always Works.
• Took a Level In Badass: Harry, Scrumblecorn, Dobby.
• Tomato Surprise: The cabbage and mustard sandwich Harry finds turns out to be cartilage and mustard halfway into the chapter.
• Too Dumb to Live: The Surf Ninjas of Surf Ninja Moon X.
• Trailers Always Lie: Similar to the above mentioned pairing between characters who never appear in the fic, the fic is categorized as "Angst/Romance". The summary, on the other hand, is a fairly honest representation of a few of the events in this fic, which is otherwise virtually impossible to summarize.
• Troll Fic: If it's not, the author is probably in a mental institution. Hell, he should be anyway.
• Unfortunate Names: Rape Radbury.
• Unusual Weapon Mounting: Dobby's Groinsaw.
• Villain Protagonist: Harry -- so evil he distorts reality. The closest one gets to a proper antagonist is the rape ape, who apparently bounded Harry, and the "scientist" in the last chapter.
• World of Badass: Oh yes.
• X Meets Y: Tengen Toppa Harry Potter Forty-Thousand Cop (or My Immortal meets Fuck the Jesus Beam).
  • Alternatively, Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny meets The Eye of Argon.
  • The Christian Humber Foundation Threat.
• Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Dumblecop, but only for one instance. See Sophisticated As Hell.