Animorphs/Funny

"Marco: Hey, Tobias, I've been meaning to ask you, are hawks like seagulls? I mean, do they poop while they're flying?
 * This exchange between Tobias and Marco:

Tobias: "

"Marco: (laying on his back, hands behind his head) "O mighty Helmacron dead guy, we grovel like a video game addict trapped in an arcade without a quarter, that's how much we grovel. You would not believe the depths of our grovelry! We grovel like a guy with a large order of fries and the only saltshaker is at the table of the school bully.""
 * CINNA-BUNZZZZ.
 * "IT'S OAT-FREAKING-MEAL!"
 * Seriously though. Oatmeal.
 * Marco's "grovelling" in The Suspicion.

"Jake: Do you hate trash cans? Is that it? Do you just HATE TRASH CANS?"
 * Marco driving Cassie's dad's pickup, managing to hit every trashcan.

"Tobias: I'm not nocturnal. I'm diurnal.
 * And that time he stole an Abrams tank, threatened some guy with it, and flattened Chapman's house (he needed parking space, dammit!) Let's face it, Marco Drives Like Crazy.
 * Also this:

Marco: Have you tried Kaopectate?"

"Jake: We're on schedule. So far, so good.
 * Visser One decides to invade Hollywood, which she concludes is obviously the most important city in the U.S., because of how often it's mentioned in broadcast media.
 * "Alive. My mother was alive. I saw Rachel giving me the fish eye from across the room. I mouthed that one word: alive. Evidently Rachel doesn't read lips. She misunderstood what I'd said and responded by mouthing two words I won't repeat."
 * "Self-destruct sequence activated. T-minus-15 minutes to self-destruct. Thank you and have a nice day!"
 * Early on, while the kids are raiding a Yeerk controlled building Matrix-style, they get in an elevator in their combat morphs and a tiger, gorilla, and grizzly bear make awkward elevator small talk.
 * Say it with me, guys: Cassie skunks Visser Three.
 * And then Visser Three turns purple. Why? Because the Animorphs told him grape juice would get out the smell.
 * Before that, she got Jake's dog, Homer. Poor mutt, unlike wild animals (and humans) didn't know better.
 * "Marco, you're whittling."
 * Ax pulls out plenty of these later on in the series.
 * The men on "The Young and the Restless" do not wear shirts. I am young. And I am occasionally restless.
 * I would like to shuffle my artificial hooves to the music with you. But you cannot have my body. My bod. Dee. My bo. Dee.
 * I believe the smell is causing me to become deranged. I may have to run away in panic.
 * "You do not know me," he said, "but I am a juvenile delinquent. I do not trust authority figures, I probably will not graduate from high school, and statistics say my present rowdiness and vandalism will likely lead to more serious crimes. I am a dangerous fellow, and I am causing mayhem in this store." He reached behind her and pulled three jars of baby food from the top shelf. Shoved them behind a box of macaroni. Shuffled the Cheez Whiz in front of the Marshmallow Fluff. Tossed a bag of lady's shavers onto a bag of hamburger buns. "There. I have now shamelessly destroyed the symmetry of this shelf, undoing hours of labor by underpaid store employees. If you could see me, you would be frightened."
 * I have already made sure, Prince Jake. They think I am a "pokey man." I have told them I am an Andalite and am actually quite swift, but they insist they need to train me.
 * Ax (in human morph, of course) is in Marco's house, and Marco tells Ax he can only say "Yes" and "No" to his dad (Peter). When Marco comes back, Peter thinks Marco's friend's name is "No".
 * "Excuse me. Are you planning to have a BATTLE in my NOSE?!" It...makes sense in context.
 * In an earlier part of that same book, a damaged inches-long Helmacron ships pulls a Dynamic Entry... on a commandeered Barbie RC car.
 * Ax doing a Melodramatic Pause in real life.
 * Ax got off to a good start during book 5, when Jake and Marco took him to the mall and he discovered taste. Aste. Tuh-aste.
 * From that same scene:

Marco: Jake, can you do me a favor? Can you not say that? Any time one of us says "so far, so good", something goes wrong.

Ax: Suh. So far so good. So far so good-duh. So fuh-far so guh-good. Good-duh.

Marco: Oh, man."

"Cassie: I thought that show was called Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.
 * Ax's first experience with chili: "THIS IS A WONDERFUL FOOD!"
 * From #27, The Exposed: The Chee can only be reactivated from the Pemalite ship, which is at the bottom of the ocean. Suddenly, the conversation takes a turn for the Seifeldian:

Marco: No, that was the one where Captain Nemo fought the giant squid.

Rachel: Who won?"

"Rachel: "We have to get out of here. Fast! I gave him the phone number for Pizza Hut delivery."
 * There's also when Ax informs the kids that the secret alien technology hidden at Area 51 Zone 91 is.
 * A primitive . They've made significant advancements since it crashed.
 * When Marco, Cassie and Rachel are questioned by a soldier at Zone 91, and asked for their parents' phone numbers:

Marco: "I gave him the number for the Sports Scoreboard recording."

Cassie: "I just gave him one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight!"

Marco: "Eight? You gave him eight numbers? Remind me not to ever be a spy with you.""

"Cassie: "Contaminate the food supply? Kill a lot of people?"
 * The Animorphs are trying to work out why the Yeerks would be interested in a meatpacking plant.

Ax: Nonsense, if the Yeerks wanted to kill a lot of humans they could simply use their dracon beams to ignite the atmosphere.

(Silence)

Marco: Well. There's a happy thought."

"Marco: Caution: Falling objects."
 * In "The Sickness", Marco passes the time while helping to carry an extremely sick Jake back home by listing all the ways to say 'throwing up'. It is funnier than it sounds.
 * Later on, after all the characters have gotten over the titular alien sickness, they talk about what they did while sick. After the rest of them complain about being too sick to get out of bed, throwing up all the time, having an alien inside their head, and such, Tobias reminds them that, since he's always in the form of a hawk, and that Cassie's father, a vet, tried to stick a pill up-
 * Tobias is funny in general in that one. When he first gets sick, after being the only one besides Cassie not to, Cassie's forced to put him in a cage until her dad can treat him, next to an Eagle, which his hawk instincts aren't so happy with. We can tell he's not amused, the whole thing is hilarious.
 * In The Andalite Chronicles: The mental image of Elfangor driving across the Taxxon homeworld full-speed in a YELLOW MUSTANG while DRINKING DR. PEPPER THROUGH HIS HOOF and LISTENING TO THE ROLLING STONES may well be one of the funniest things in science fiction.
 * When Loren kicks Chapman where - as Elfangor describes it -his legs merge together to meet the rest of his body. Elfangor comments "I believe this kick was painful to him."
 * Not to mention Ax eating popcorn (including it's container) and concluding it tastes quite a bit like motor oil.
 * The revelation that Jake and Marco once spent several hours arguing over whether cheese tastes yellow or green.
 * In #16, where the Animorphs are trying to hide in fly morph in a bathroom. While asking where everyone is, Tobias describes a very smooth surface with a pool of water below. We barely discern that it's a toilet. Then, it suddenly gets dark.

""Is that a bear?"
 * In #10, Marco manages to write three pages of a term paper before coming up with a topic. "A topic will... emerge. I just have to keep writing until I come up with a topic." Jake's suggestion is "The use of rhetoric to obscure a lack of content."
 * What makes this one so great is that I've actually done that. It's funny because it's true.
 * Made even better when, later on in the same book, Marco mentions offhand that he got a B on his paper.
 * The distraction in #16. They burst out of a supply closet, and Rachel (in grizzly bear morph) proceeds to...mop the floor, while Jake (in tiger morph) carries the bucket for her.

"Yeah."

"Is it mopping the floor?"

"Uh-huh."

"Have we gone nuts?"

"I'm not nuts. It's the bear who's nuts. That's carpeted up there.""

"Jake: "And it's possible some spaceship will zoom along and hit it and splatter it all over?"
 * In #20 -- The Discovery -- the part where Tobias hits that window, and he starts sprouting out Clue quotes was absolutely hilarious.
 * In #20 again, Jake and Marco doing the "Beakanoma" scene.
 * In #16 when Ax says he likes the word 'millions' Rachel replies: "Yeah. It's a swell sound.Sometimes I just lie in bed for six or seven hours doing nothing but saying 'million.'"
 * The revelation of what happens when they morph smaller animals

Ax: "no of course not"

"The ship's shielding systems would disintegrate the mass""

"Erek: "No offense, but how on Earth have you people managed to avoid getting caught for this long?""
 * "This is Aximili! Reassert your individual consciousness!" made this troper crack up for some reason. Marco seems to agree with however
 * When due to Phlebotinum Breakdown Marco morphs into a poodle-polar bear, he realizes that he has become a poo-bear
 * The Animorphs are concerned about Amazon Cafe's use of parrots as advertisment. They come up with the solution of turning into parrots, insulting restaruant patrons and badmouthing the food
 * When the future Visser One first finds Earth, she begins investigating by picking up some of the numerous transmissions zipping around the planet... and absolutely panics when she picks up an episode of Star Trek, not realizing that it's a TV show and thinking that humans were a lot more advanced than we actually are.
 * The group takes Ax (in human morph) to see a Star Trek movie. Ax is very confused by the experience, claiming that the Enterprise is a stupid-looking spaceship ("I know what a real spaceship looks like!") and stating that Klingons are actually females of some species he has seen before. And then he gets distracted by the numerous "globules" (candies) littering the theater floor.
 * Rachel has a nightmare in which, among other things, she kills Kenny.
 * In The Separation, Erek,, claims that the animorphs are simply too weird for him.
 * The Animorphs' incompetent rescue of Erek while he's paralysed and his hologram's deactivated. It involves a Bill Clinton mask, Tommy Hilfiger underwear, and a gorilla advertising an incorrectly-spelled movie.

"Ax: "...fifteen of your miles."
 * Cassie's mom knows her daughter's favorite bands as: The Fudgies, Snoopy Diggity Dog, Boys Eleven Men, and Nice Is Neat. The last one comes from Cassie making up a name less likely to draw parental disapproval when she wanted to get an NIN CD.
 * The whole scene where Ax, Marco and Tobias attempt to acquire duck DNA.
 * An example that details the Two of Your Earth Minutes trope quite humorously (although this instance concerns distance rather than time):

Marco: "You don't have to say 'your miles'. They are everybody's miles."

Ax: "What about the countries that use kilometers? See? I am learning!""