Cerberus Daily News/Funny

"Zoftan: Noneuclidean sandwich tassels: Oh. Oh wow. What just happened.
 * A woman discovers the relationship between an asari and her 'VI assistant.' Cargo Ship to the Nth degree.
 * Inconspicuous Organic's goldfish
 * Quint throws contact hallucinogens at people during a party. It splashes on TSS, Hok, Desrevni, Quint, and Zoftan.


 * Zoftan stares at a plate of hot wings*

Zoftan: Delicious gladiator souffle: It's so pretty."

"Commander Shepard, a human so depraved and uncivilised that they do not even possess a first name or determinate gender."
 * The Dynasty Maker story line in general, its finale in particular.
 * VOLUS FIGHT!
 * This April Fool's post, which Lampshades one infamous moment in the game.
 * Reasons for observation: Dat Ass
 * Kirok's reality-be-damned show crossover
 * Any time Macul opens his mouth. For example, his reaction to his capture by Gunslinger.
 * Suri thinks she was impregnated by a slave. Epic lulz ensued..
 * A cold, calculating salarian Mad Scientist goes incognito at a masquerade ball as part of the "Who Goes There?" storyline. His subsequent costume. That is all. (Look for the image in a post)
 * "YOU, DJ PERSON. THIS PARTY NEEDS MORE DANCING. ALL THESE FINE LADIES AND NO ACTION."
 * What was supposed to be an impressive tour through a nebula goes horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.
 * An elcor delivers a singing telegram of "Hello My Baby", and it is hilarious. It is preceded by the wake of a board member, and followed by a ridiculously creepy message.
 * Televised debate between hammers-sickles and InfraStruct. Snarky krogan and former human student trade shots while being served under the table.
 * An interspecies discussion on breasts.
 * Khar’shan News Network give us this line.

"You know that point where all you want is to retire in peace and just kinda disappear into the ether and watch the holo for the decade or so you have left, and then somebody calls you up and says “Abattoir, do you know how to blow up a planet” or “Abattoir, there’s a dragon from outer space in the Horse Head nebula and why are you laughing, I haven’t even finished the sentence yet”, or “Abattoir, I’m going to have to cancel poker night because there’s an army of husked batarians clogging the street”
 * Just about any of the Dwickcasts, but episode 69 and its follow-up deserves a special mention.
 * As earth burns and the reapers invade Abattoir just wants his coffee.

And you assume that last one is an excuse, but then you go out for your first run of the day and there’s fucking warfare in the alleys and a fucking Sovereign is perched on top of the only convenience store in Uptown that serves halfway-decent cappucino

Fuck, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

ALL I WANTED WAS MY MORNING COFFEE"


 * A threat from a sociopathic Cerberus Operative, prompts several board members to mock the hell out of the son of a bitch. Even the R Per who plays Thanatos thought it was hilarious.
 * Viros Fenon. Even in death, he still trolls.
 * VIROS!
 * Velte'sen Nar Liead, proffesional hitman and sabotuer. This is what happens after four martinis.
 * Dwick discovers that the last place on the citadel to buy clothes fit for krogan is shutting down. It Got Worse on the second page when his landlord holds his last pants hostage for delinquent rent money.
 * A forum goer than relays a story of a krogan mistaking a batarian hugging him for a wrestling technique and judo throws him into some garbage. Turns out it was Dwick