The Critic (animation)/Funny

"Eleanor: Franklin, this just isn't working out.
 * Eleanor is depressed, so Franklin goes to Wilson for advice. However, "Wilson" is just a scarecrow with a frog perched on its shoulder, so Franklin takes its advice to mean that he should convince his wife to "Rivet, rivet, rivet." Cut to Eleanor high on a construction site riveting into a girder:

Franklin: (With nothing under him, he is holding on to his hard hat, which is glued onto the bottom of a beam) Forget the rivets, darling, Krazy Glue will hold any surface together! It's Kraaaaaazy!!"

"Franklin: Oh, Wilson, my wife is happy again!
 * Later that episode:

("Wilson" is actually a scarecrow with an owl perched on its shoulder)

"Wilson": Hoo.

Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.

"Wilson": Hoo.

Franklin: My wife, Eleanor.

"Wilson": Hoo.

Franklin: My wife, Eleanor. (Continues into the night...)"

"Franklin: (reading it) Oh goodie! It's a pop-up book!"
 * Jay even closes the episode with, "Goodnight, Critic fans. And a special goodnight to those of you just tuning in for Home Improvement."
 * When Eleanor has a meeting about her new book, the publisher compares it favorably to another author: Dr. Seduce and his book, Horton Hears His Neighbors In Bed.

""Help! Help! Or at least put me in a better Spielberg movie!"
 * Jay's nightmare of being attacked by his ever-growing dog, which starts off as a parody of Jurassic Park.

(cut to a Jaws sequence)"

"Jay Bookstand: Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my boo- (Jeremy shoots its head)
 * Let us not forget that the reason everyone was at the debutante ball was, as Franklin said, "To see those nitro-burning funny cars! Vroom vroom!"
 * Jay's student film L'artiste est Morte.
 * From the episode "Miserable", a talking bookstand in Jay's likeness is used to knock out Jay's kidnapper, but then...:

Jeremy: (To Jay) Sorry, it had to be done.

Jay: Why? All he said was "Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!" (Jeremy points his gun at him) I'll be quiet."

"Jay: That wasn't a clip, that was the entire movie."
 * Speed Reading.

{{quote| Jay: {annoyed) Get that off my show.}} "Alice: (Introducing herself and Penny to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.
 * Apocolypse WOW.
 * VOTE FOR DUKE. VOTE FOR DUKE. VOTE FOR DUKE.
 * ...VOTE FOR DUKE!!!
 * Duke's kaledoscope vision.
 * In the episode "Sherman, Woman and Child"

Penny: You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)

Alice: (Surprised) Penny!

Jay: It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.

Penny: (Smiling apologetically to Jay) I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)

Jay: Aww. Rex did that too."

"Duke: I'm Duke Phillips, and from now on I'm speaking my own mind. First, I'll tell you what I'm really gonna do as president. I'll run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the ocean, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
 * Duke Phillips shows off his political "skills" after Jay quits as his speechwriter.

Ronald Reagan: (watching Duke on TV with Nancy Reagan) Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.

Duke: Half of you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about! California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.

Queen Elizabeth II: (watching Duke on TV) Ooh, I don't want that.

Prince Charles: (comes in with a tray of tea) MORE POISON!? I MEAN, TEA!?

Queen Elizabeth II: Ah, don't mind if I do. (looks in the cup) You almost had me there. (whacks him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious)

Duke: Well, that's my speech. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put on some leather and go get spanked. (gets on his horse) Vote for Duke. Good night. (rides off)"

"Gene Siskel: Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
 * Jay listening to his answering machine:

(beep)

Roger Ebert: Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.

(beep)

Rex Reed: Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner. (monkey screeches) That's right, Pauline Kael!"

"Gene Shalit: (phoning Jay in the opening credits) Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day. If you don't believe me, look out the window!"
 * One of the first Couch Gags:

"(Kevin Costner is simultaneously carrying The Three Tenors in his arms, trying to keep his balance while he carries them out the back door of a theatre)
 * In a scene from The Bodyguard 2:

Three Tenors: (singing) Weeeee-HEE-heeeee-HEE-heeee will always love yoooooooooou!

(Costner suddenly falls, and the weight of the three causes his back to break)

Luciano Pavarotti: Boy, this guy can’t carry a tune.

(All three tenors laugh)

Luciano Pavarotti: (seriously) Hey fellas, (lays handkerchief on Costner’s face) I think he’s dead.

(All three tenors laugh)"

"Richard Attenborough: You may have us, but you'll never get off the island!
 * A scene from Jurassic Park 2: Revenge of the Raptors (the actual sequel was released three years after the episode):

Raptor: (speaking in an English accent, holding a pipe) I beg to differ. For you see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr. Pilkington." But perhaps I've said too much... (smokes pipe)"

"Orson Welles: Hello, I'm Orson Welles. What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of magic, mystery -
 * Any time Orson Welles shows up, in particular:

Lawyer: Mr. Welles, this is a video will.

Orson Welles: What? Look, I don't need to do this, I've got a fish stick commercial in an hour. (Walks away but then comes back) Oh what the hell, I need the money. (Sits back down) What follows is a terrifying journey into the world of probate, beneficiaries, and GOBLINS!

Lawyer: Mr. Welles!

Orson Welles: Fine, fine, no goblins. I give you ... THE LIVING WILL! (Laughs evilly)"

"Orson Welles: And remember, there is no fish stick like Mrs. Pell's.
 * As well as:

Lawyer: (Off-screen) This isn't a commercial.

Orson Welles: I know, that was just a declaration of love. (Eats one) Yes. Oh, yes! They're even better raw!"

"Orson Welles: And I too have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's fishsticks. (eats them) Yes, oh, yes! They're even better when you're dead!"
 * Later, his ghost appears to Margo:

"Orson Welles: Rosebud. Yes, Rosebud Frozen Peas. Full of country goodness and green pea-ness ... Wait, that's terrible! I quit! Just a handful for the road. (Takes a handful and pops a few in his mouth.) Oh, what luck! There's a french fry stuck in my beard! (Eats) Oh yeah."
 * And who can forget green pea-ness?

"Orson Welles: A rich, full-bodied wine sensibly priced at a dollar a jug. And for a little magic, I will make this jug disappear. (glug, glug, glug)"
 * Blotto's Wine

"Jay: Hello, I'm Jay Sherman. This morning on English For Cab Drivers, I was going to teach you how to say "He was already dead when I hit him.""
 * From the episode "Eyes on the Prize":

"Jimmy Breslin: Tonight, we will honor the greatest writers in America with a modest 9x12 certificate and a check for three thousand dollars. Three thousand dollars?! Stephen King makes that for writing "Boo" on a cocktail napkin!"
 * Later on, at the Pulitzer Prize ceremony, the host mentions the following:

"Franklin: Sweetie, I think that was the bus to Attica prison."
 * In "Sherman, Woman and Child," we see a flashback of a 14-year-old Jay getting on a bus to summer camp and his parents telling him to have fun, until ...

"Marlon Brando: This is so humiliating. You know I had to lose a hundred pounds to play a dinosaur? Can’t even see through the eyeholes on this thing. (crashes into a wall) Whoa! (and falls over, grunting)
 * The topper is that he's dressed in very old-timey garb (as in "Little Boy Blue" outfit) when he goes, complete with blonde curls peeking out of the hat.
 * Jay reviews Barney: The Motion Picture, starring one of America's best actors:

Kid: Hey, Barney's being funny!

Brando: No I'm not. I don't do comedy. Not since The Freshman, that piece of crap. I don't know what I was thinking making that picture, let me tell ya."

"19th Century Terrorist: Who are you?
 * "Cookie Puss, I will eat your soul!"
 * When Jeremy played a US President.

Jeremy: My name's Monroe. James Monroe. And here's a taste of The Monroe Doctrine.

(karate chop!)

Jeremy: (to Bond Girl) Welcome to the Era of Good Feelings.

Bond Girl: Oh, James!"

"Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island!
 * Franklin the Sailor Man. Supposedly, this is one of his more accurate memories.
 * All the scenes with Dudley Moore.
 * Jay and Marty play Escape from the Big Apple

Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out!

Marty: (As character gets attacked by crowd) And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd)

Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton!

Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah---(Character withers away to a skeleton, then to dust and "Game Over" appears)"

"Franklin: A penguin! (Grabs bottle of Johnny Swagger brand alcohol) And he's been drinking! Wait a minute ... Penguins can't fly! PENGUINS CAN'T FLY! (Plane goes down)"
 * Milton Berle's appearance in the final episode.
 * Penguins can't fly!

"Franklin: Help! Our plane's going down, and our pilot's a penguin!
 * From that same episode, Margo is listening to the black box from the plane, and hears the following exchange:

Penguin: Wak-wak-wak

Franklin: No I will not "pray with you"!"

"Jay: Mom? Dad? I never made you laugh?
 * Duke promised to pay $100 to anyone Jay couldn't make laugh within a month ... and a legion shows up at Duke's building to collect, including Jay's parents.

Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.

Eleanor: No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.

Jay: (shamefully) No, that was me."

"Male TV Announcer: (talking fast-paced) Viewer Disclaimer: Duke Phillips is not himself. He has been mixing NyQuil and DayQuil."
 * When Duke breaks down crying on Coming Attractions.

"Jay: Duke, this is crazy. She's not from the South.
 * When Doris lies and convinces Duke that she was the Southern Belle from his costume ball:

Doris: I'm from Alabama.

Duke: Mobile?

Doris: Just barely.

(later that night at Duke's mansion)

Jay: Doris, you are not from the South.

Doris: I told you, I'm from Alabama.

Duke: Tuscaloosa?

Doris: No, I use Denture Grip.

(later, when Miranda finally reveals herself, after refusing to meet him because she had a single crow's foot)

Miranda: You don't mind my wrinkle?

Duke: Hey, I was going to marry her and she's nothing but wrinkles. Her whole body looks like Reagan's neck.

Doris: (dully annoyed) Good one, Duke."

"Jay: (section 1, from 1988) Rain Man (section 2, from 1992) A Few Good Men (section 3, from 1993) The Firm (all together) is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on ... Cruise Control! AAAAAAHAHAHA! AAAAAAHA! I JUST ... I JUST! MADE THAT! UP!"
 * In "Eyes on the Prize," Duke tells Jay that he's starting to repeat himself and shows a three-split screen video as proof:

"Humphrey: Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest Madonna!
 * Madonna's appearance on Humphrey The Hippo a few months after her appearance on David Letterman.

(She appears on screen)

Humphrey: Hey, Madonna!

Madonna: Don't ] with me, hippo.

Humphrey: Hey, do you eat with that mouth?

Madonna: Yeah, and I also ] and ] with it.

Humphrey: Ewwwwwwwwww."

"Executive: But Mr. Sherman, think of the children. If they don't have cigarettes, what'll they do after they have sex?
 * During the episode where Franklin and Eleanor are presumed dead, Jay, the beneficiary of their estate, goes on a tour of the various Sherman-owned industries. They're all various evil industries, including a cigarette company that markets to children. When the Corrupt Corporate Executive of the factory finds out he's being shut down:

Jay: You're a bad man.

Executive: Hey, if it's a crime to encourage children to smoke and have sex, then lock me up.

(Gilligan Cut to him locked up in the back of a police van)

Executive: (dejected) I need a hug."

"Cher: (as Jay looks at her disconcerted) You no good ]! ] you, you piece of ]! Kiss my white feminine toned and tattooed ]!
 * Elenor: (After Franklin transforms into The Mask and behaves erratically) Oh dear. This is just what he did at Nixon's funeral.
 * Jay shows a clip of his "legendary" interview with Cher. Nothing but fifteen seconds of bleeped out curse words.

Jay: (after clip ends) A very classy lady."

"Female Movie Executive: Woo hoo! Sherman’s gone!
 * Anytime Jay's stomach talks.
 * In "Marathon Mensch," two movie employers in Hollywood celebrate over The New York Chronicle reporting Jay missing and feared dead while running in the New York marathon.

Male Movie Executive: Let’s release that unwatchable Steve Guttenberg movie, quick!

Female Movie Executive: Uh … which one?"

"Alice: Jay, where'd you park?
 * The third Webisode had a genuinely funny bit of Pikachu being outed by Jay, and when his sexy makeup lady walks out on him, Pikachu returns and hits on Jay.
 * Duke's soft-serve ice cream maker.
 * From the episode "Dukerella" we have Jay and Alice dressed up as Homer and Marge Simpson for Duke's costume ball.

Jay: I left my car with the valet.

Alice: There's no valet!

Jay: D'OH!"

"Duke Phillips: No, not worse, just less warm and cuddly."
 * In "Dial M For Mother", after getting test audience feedback, Jay is apparently worse than Hitler.

"Jay: Because I love you people, I won't force you to watch the musical number. Well, maybe just a little.
 * Jay reviews Rabbi, P.I, starring Ahnold. The movie is about a cop who goes undercover as a rabbi.

Ahnold: (Singing) Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay!"

"Prince Charles: I'll have your heads for this!
 * After Prince Charles is thrown out of a preschool:

Guard: Who died and made you king?

Prince Charles: (sniffing) Nobody."

""Booty booty booty! YEEEEAAAAH BOY-EEEEEE!""
 * Soft Copy reported that two TV movies were made about the split of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert. This scene is from the FOX version.