The Shawshank Redemption/Funny

"Floyd: Heywood, that isn't soapstone. It ain't alabaster either.
 * Poor Heywood.
 * Red suggests getting Andy a gift, and his friends agree. Remembering that Andy had been planning to make his own chess set, he says, "Guy likes to play chess. Let's get him some rocks." Heywood nods agreeingly...but then the phrase sinks in and he looks puzzled, turning to Red like a lost puppy.
 * While working in the field, the inmates try to find rocks for Andy's project to make chess pieces, and Heywood thinks he's found a good one until:

Heywood: What are you, a fuckin' geologist?

Snooze: He's right, it ain't.

Heywood: Well what the hell is it, then?

Red: A horse apple.

Heywood: ...Bullshit.

Red: No, horseshit. Petrified.

Heywood pulls the "rock" apart, revealing that's exactly what it is.

Heywood (disgusted): Oh, Jesus Chr--

The other inmates crack up."

"Heywood: "Treasure Island. Robert Louis—"
 * The prisoners are helping Andy to set up the prison library, coming across :

Andy: "Stevenson. 'Fiction' > 'Adventure'. What's next?"

Red: "I got here... Auto Repair and... Soap Carving."

Andy: "'Trade Skills and Hobbies'. Goes under 'Educational'. Stacked behind you."

Heywood: "Count of Monte Crisco."

Floyd: "That's 'Cristo', you dumb shit."

Red grins with laughter.

Heywood: "By Alexandre... Dumbass... Dumbass."

Red finally bursts out laughing.

Andy: "...dumbass?"


 * Heywood shows the book as "proof"*

Andy: "Dumas. You know what it's about? You'll like it. It's about a prison break.

Red: "Well we ought to file that under 'Educational' too, oughtn't we?""

"So I'm backin' out the door, right? Had the TV like this... [Mimes his grip] Big ol' thing. Couldn't see shit. Suddenly, there's this voice: "Freeze, kid! Hands in the air!" Well, I just stand there holdin' on to that TV, so the voice says, "You hear what I said, boy?" And I say, "Yes, sir; I sure did; but if I drop this fuckin' thing, you got me on 'Destruction of Property,' too!""
 * The day the prison receives a shipment of books, they come with a letter for Andy, who's been sending letters to libraries asking for funding. It closes with, "We now consider the matter closed; please stop sending us letters!" He doesn't listen.
 * "On the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook." Red's reaction is great.
 * Tommy's story about one of his previous crimes.


 * That poor new inmate slaughtered by Hadley in the beginning? In the credits, he's credited as "Fat Ass".
 * Um.... ouch.