Executive Meddling/Quotes

"Now, in fairness, this storyline was an editorial mandate. In fact, most of these turns to evil were editorial mandates, further proving that editors aren't writers, so they should STOP PRETENDING THEY ARE."

- Linkara, Top 15 Worst Heroes Becoming Villains

"''So Pinky and The Brain share a new domain.

It's what the network wants; why bother to complain?"

- The theme song to Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain

"Movie executives do not lead happy lives. If you are an executive, this is your day: a scruffy man in a Hawaiian shirt walks into your office and says, "I need you to be personally responsible for giving me one hundred million dollars so I can go to Ireland and have people who pretend for a living act like they're fighting imaginary dragons."

"Will I get to see the dragons first?" you ask hopefully.

"Oh, no the dragons won't exist until after we're done shooting. The professional pretending people will be yelling at sticks. Occasionally, they will flee from a mop."

And your job, as the exec, is to write him the check. Any sane man would break."

- John Rogers

""What you have to remember is that in the movies there are two types of people 1) the directors, artists, actors and so on who have to do things and are often quite human and 2) the other lifeforms. Unfortunately you have to deal with the other lifeforms first. It is impossible to exaggerate their baleful stupidity.""

- Terry Pratchett

"Guano: But... but you said you'd never tamper with my creative vision.

Ozu: (Calmly) I didn't tamper... (angrily) I lit it on fire -- and danced on the ashes!"

- Kappa Mikey

"I'm sick to death of being fucked about by men in suits sitting on their fat arses in the City!"

- John Lennon, expressing his frustration over The Beatles not legally owning their own songs (long story...)

"''There's something wrong with Gilligan's Island!

''The skipper seems more sedate than usual!

''He is wearing a bright orange jumpsuit!

''And where are the palm trees?

''Mr. Howell now has the power to fly!

''The role of Mary Ann is now being played by Kareem Abdul-Jabar!

''Ginger is 500 feet high!

''She is made entirely out of zinc!

I don't remember her being that way in the first season!"

- "Something's Wrong with Gilligan's Island", by Radio Free Vestibule

""Nothing can ruin a good idea like a roomful of men.""

- Denise, Trust Me

""Creative Reasons" has been an Executive Bullshit excuse for DECADES. It IS financial. AJ is a dreamboat. And yes, I am hurt, too."

- Paget Brewster in a tweet after finding out that her and AJ Cook's parts were being eliminated.

"Crow: Okay, The Final Sacrifice: The Series-

Mike: The name goes.

Crow: What?

Mike: Never liked the name, the name goes. It’s banal.

Crow: But if you’re hoping to connect the series with the movie, Mike-

Mike: I need something like, oh, Night Mistress.

Crow: Night Mistress.

Mike: Yeah, or Cloochie and the Lieutenant, something that’s gonna seduce people, really connect with 'em. We’ll work on that.

Crow: Ooookay, okay. So you got Rowsdower, and he roams through Canada, and he’s got his little pal Troy and they get into all sorts of scrapes but they help people-

Mike: Alabama.

Crow: ...What?

Mike: Alabama, Chicago, Cleveland! No, I like Alabama, you like Alabama? It’s your show.

Crow: L-look, to me Canada is the essence-

Mike: Pittsburgh, we’ll do it in Pittsburgh.

Crow: Well I suppose if you actually film it in Pittsburgh-

Mike: Naw, we’ll film it in Canada, have to. (beep) Hold on. Yeah, Judy? ...Okay, thanks. You got two minutes, Gutenburg’s people are coming in.

Crow: What do you mean, "Gutenburg’s people are coming in?"

Mike: What I mean is you just lost a minute, go.

Crow: Sorry, sorry! So, uh, the lead character is Rowsdower, of course-

Mike: The lead character’s the kid, Sparky McCoolahan or whatever the hell his name was – you like that name? I never liked that name.

Crow: That’s not his name...

Mike: But I like all the funny beer stuff you get with that Rowsdower guy, him being a hopeless drunk and all that. He’s loveable, y’know: he falls down, he’s sick a lot, but he’s loveable. And the kid? Kid works in a brewery.

Crow: I actually had an hour-long drama in mind.

Mike: What, you’re one of those Dennis Franz freaks, huh?

Crow: Now wait a minute!

Mike: Wait, wait, gimme a second here, I’m going somewhere, I’m there, I’m there, this Rowsdower guy: full frontal, y’know? Couple times a season, tasteful, low lights, just a hint – (beep) hold on. Yes, Judy? I know. You got thirty seconds.

Crow: So this main character, uh, Sparky-

Mike: Has a friend, a girl. Hell, he’s a girl too, there’s a lot of girls, they’re all roommates. There’s a goofy girl, a serious girl, a cheerleader, a loose girl, everybody in the damn series is a damn girl-

Crow: Yeah, but Rowsdower-

Mike: A big hairy girl! (beep) Yes, Judy! Tell you what, I’ve got a show idea for you, you get out of my office until you give me an idea I can use. Now I gotta go meet Gutenburg’s people..."

- Mystery Science Theater 3000, engaging in some frightfully-accurate roleplay during the credits of The Final Sacrifice

"''One likes to believe in the freedom of music

''But glittering prizes and endless compromises

Shatter the illusion of integrity"

- The Spirit of Radio, Rush

"I made him a flushed, dishevelled, bedevilled scallawag, with his helmet at the back of his head, and the living fear of death in his eye, and the blood oozing out of a cut over his ankle-bone. He wasn't pretty, but he was all soldier and very much man. [...]

I did him just as well as I knew how, making allowance for the slickness of oils. Then the art-manager of that abandoned paper said that his subscribers wouldn’t like it. It was brutal and coarse and violent, -- man being naturally gentle when he’s fighting for his life.

They wanted something more restful, with a little more colour. I could have said a good deal, but you might as well talk to a sheep as an art-manager.

I took my "Last Shot" back. Behold the result! I put him into a lovely red coat without a speck on it. That is Art. I polished his boots,--observe the high light on the toe. That is Art. I cleaned his rifle,--rifles are always clean on service,--because that is Art."

- Dick, The Light that Failed by Rudyard Kipling.

"After I turned in my next-to-last draft [for The Core], the executives looked at me, very seriously, hand on knee, low subdued tones: "John, we really like this last draft, but one thing bugs us. The whole idea of the north and south pole switching places -- it's WAY over the top and unbelievable. It just reeks of bullshit."

Deep breath. Okay, I shrug. What did you have in mind?

"Welllll, how about ... A GIANT LASER THAT SHOOTS INTO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!"

... This, by the way, is why screenwriting pays so well. They don't pay me to write. I'd write for free. They pay me NOT to punch people in the neck."

- John Rogers

"This attitude continues to baffle me. Editors, if you want to tell your own stupid story, write your own script! It is not your job to write for the writer! If there's a problem with the script, talk to the writer and fix it with them!"

- Linkara, Hardcore Station #1

""It's called 'Show Business,' not 'Show Art.""

- Maggie O'Connell, Northern Exposure

""I want to thank the studio for sticking to their convictions-- and firing me for sticking to mine.""

- J. D. Shapiro, on Battlefield Earth.

"All we ever want is indecision

All we really like is what we know

Gotta balance style with adherence

Making sure we make a good appearance

Even if you simply have to fudge it

Make sure that it stays within our budget"

- The Stressed Reprise of "Stitching it Together (Art of the Dress)", My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic

""Audiences are fiercely protective because they know that if four TV executives are stranded on an island with a crate of food and a can opener, three will starve to death and the fourth will choke on the can opener.""

- This Cracked article.

"Ed was all about showing off the ENTIRE Realms, so DMs would early on really feel what it was like to have steamy jungles AND howling glaciers, pirates in the tropics and grim northern warriors, etc etc ad infinitum.

Ed would have given us a Mirt doing nasty mercantile swindling in the streets and back alleys novel, a Dabron Sashenstar exploring hitherto unchartered wilderness novel, a novel from the point of view of elder dragons trying to fight off human incursions into their domains novel, a dwarves fighting internally to either promote or resist change that's being forced upon them by humans, a "what life is like down in Undermountain" novel, a "traitor amongst The Simbul's apprentices" novel, a "growing up as an enslaved, beautiful, ambitious female in Thay" novel, and so on and on.

Yes, ALL of those were outlined in Ed's plans. Ed never intended the Realms to be a place of signature characters and concentrating on the Knights or anyone else. He wanted it more like Terry Pratchett's Discworld, where recurring characters can show up in any book, but each book tells a story all its own.

Sigh. So much lost. .."

- The Hooded One, Lady Herald of Realmslore.

"''I am the entertainer

''And I've come to do my show

''You heard my latest record

''It's been on the radio

''It took me years to write it

''They were the best years of my life

''It was a beautiful song, but it ran too long

''If you're gonna have a hit, you gotta make it fit

So they cut it down to 3:05"

- Billy Joel, "The Entertainer"

""There is no idea so good it can't be ruined by a few well-placed idiots.""

- Scott Adams

""In a master stroke of UPN programming brilliance, Dilbert follows Shasta McNasty, a show geared toward viewers who are... how can I say this... very likely to die in bowling ball cleaning machine accidents. Fortunately, Shasta is a filthy and sophomoric show, so it will corner the market on perverts and unsupervised minors. It's a perfect lead-in audience for an animated Dilbert TV show. If you don't understand that, you will never be a television executive.""

- Scott Adams