Home Improvement/Funny

"Brad: What about live chicken?
 * This exchange from "Adventures In Fine Dining":

Tim: Live Chicken, Brad who the hell do you hang out with?

Brad: Mom...

Jill: What?

Brad: Dad's cussing.

Tim: I wasn't cussing!

Mark: He said a bad word.

Tim: It wasn't bad.

Randy: Yeah, he said hell and damn.

Tim: I did not say damn.

Randy: Now ya did."

"Woman: "How come every time I drive by the factory there's all this smoke coming out of the stacks?"
 * Tim's Face Palm at the end really sells it.
 * A woman complaining about Binford's pollution during an episode of Tool Time.

Beat

Tim and Al (simultaneously): "THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS!!!!!"

Tim: "What do you want coming out of 'em? Hai Karate? Some kinda whipped cream? What!?""

"Al: (seeing Tim pantomiming to him, pretending he can't hear him) Huh. This is actually very good. In that case, I should be the host of this show!
 * "What Al doesn't know is that this really isn't a soundproof booth."

Tim: ... (turns to the camera)

Al: And another thing--that's a stupid haircut you have!

Tim: (raises an eyebrow)

Al: And one more thing-- I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical!

Tim: Al!

Al: Yeah, Tim?

Tim: Can you hear me?

(Beat)

Al: ...I can hear you!

Tim: Think about that, Al...

(Al gawks as it slowly dawns on him)

Tim: Major-general Borland! (salutes)

(Al pulls down the shade on the window of the not-soundproof booth)"

"Tim: "Jill look at her chest"
 * Regarding Heidi:

Jill: "You just noticed?""

"Jill: "Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation"
 * From "The Vasectomy One":

Tim: "Says who, the wives with knives club?""

"Tim: Local, like here in Detroit?
 * At the doctor's office when Tim realizes he will need a "local" shot prior to the surgery.

Doctor: No, like 'local' here in your scrotum."

"Tim: "How am I supposed to talk to woman about what's going on in man land?"
 * Later:

Jill: "Man land? Now you got a theme park between your legs?""

"Al: What's this? Looks like oregano. Does Jill keep it out here so it stays fresh?
 * The episode "What a Drag" has a lot of great funny moments despite being a Very Special Episode:

Tim: That's not oregano.

Al: Tarragon?

Tim: This is marijuana.

Al: Jill cooks with marijuana?

Tim: No you idiot, somebody's hiding this out here.

Al: Oh I can't believe I touched this bag! Now my prints are all over it!

Tim: Hey hey, calm down.

Al: You know this makes me an accessory. I could be charged with possession of illicit drugs!

Tim: Al, think for a minute. You found marijuana on my property. What does that tell you?

Al: I can no longer run for political office!"

"Jill: Do you remember when the worst problem we had with Brad was toilet training?
 * Later:

Tim: Makes sense. Couldn't get him on the pot; now we're trying to get him off the pot."

"Marty: Then we can get on our bikes and we can plaster them all over the neighborhood.
 * Any time Tim mangles one of Wilson's sayings.
 * "If your drill says 'Binford'...GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, TOOLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU!"
 * "Hardware Habit to Break" It's the way Tim says it.

Tim: Yippee-yai-o-kye-ay, Marty! Yeah! And wait a minute. We'll sell lemonade in the driveway and put cards in our spokes that go like this. With big lollipops. And then we'll have a puppet show for all the rest of the kids in the neighborhood. What the hell's the matter with you?"


 * One Christmas episode had Tim and Al stuck on a plane that couldn't land due to thick fog. Tim bemoans the fact that he'll miss his boys lighting up the house for Christmas. Meanwhile, on the ground, the boys do light up the house - which nearly blinds Tim as he looks out the window - and the pilot suddenly has a guiding light for a safe landing.
 * "Bye-Bye Birdie": 3:57 here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DU 6 h 0 n-Hnc4 (Cheesemilk); also around 6:15 (23...24)
 * This troper loves the "Tool Time" segements before the credits, 'cause that's where some of the really funny stuff is. For example, Tim creating a "special Al blend" of paint that literally paints a picture of Al. And that time they launched a grill into orbit...
 * You forgot the pizza and Marty.
 * The K&B Boys have come to Tool Time to share some tips for cooking on the job. One of them makes a kabob using a dipstick. The only cleaning done to the dipstick is one sweep of a rag. This makes Al suffer a minor Heroic BSOD as he contemplates what the dipstick has added to the kabob.