The Onion/Tear Jerker

""Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.""
 * "Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box". Don't click that. Really.
 * I was expecting something mild. Mother of God.
 * "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule", in particular the closing paragraph:

""I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."
 * This one was written in response to the September 11 attacks, making it even more poignant.
 * Combined with You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: "New Mommy A Lot Prettier"
 * For animal lovers: Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring
 * And if you've ever encountered Released to Elsewhere...
 * US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government. If only that was real...
 * Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of You Can Panic Now, but this one was just his Author Avatar with a Single Tear asking "When is it okay to laugh again"?
 * "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake," also written in response to 9/11.

Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.

"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful.""


 * "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."
 * "Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go."
 * "Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase."
 * "NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything."