Someone's Touching My Butt

""There's too many kids in this tub,

There's too many elbows to scrub,

I just washed a behind

That I'm sure wasn't mine!

There's too many kids in this tub!""

- Shel Silverstein, "Crowded Tub"

Stock Phrase(s) for whenever a group of people are squashed together. It also commonly occurs whenever the lights go out. Variations on the phrase include "Who's touching my X" and "Whose X is this?". There's also the Double Entendre variant:

"Person #1: "Hey! I found a [item]"

Person #2: "That's not a [item]...!""

Said item is usually either phallic or soft depending on who the people are. Can result in Thanks for the Mammary, a Megaton Punch (if person #2 is female), as well as evidence against the Accidental Pervert. Not What It Looks Like also commonly occurs when the lights come back on.

Anime & Manga
""I wanna touch her too!""
 * Happens in Death Note: Misa cries that someone in a group of fans touched her butt. It was actually L, lifting her cell phone. Might have been copping a feel anyway, though.
 * That might be *how* he planned to disguise his attempt to lift her phone.
 * That brilliant bastard...


 * Neon Genesis Evangelion: Because the tiny elevator is so packed, two people cry "Who's touching me?" and two respond "I can't help it!"
 * And yet another character gets subjected to Marshmallow Hell.
 * Boku no Futatsu no Tsubasa actually gets to use this both ways at once since the heroine is a fully functional hermaphrodite.
 * Ninin ga Shinobuden naturally uses this when a Typhoon causes a blackout.
 * In Naruto, during the Land of Waves arc, happens to Sakura twice. The first person does it unintentionally because he was trying to steal Sakura's bag. The second time, it was a small boy who does touch her butt, but his intention was to ask her for some food.

Comic Books

 * Top Ten: Sergeant Jackie "Jack Phantom" Kowalski, believes someone is squeezed her bum, the others don't see any guilty party and write it off as stress. It turns out the chair she was sitting in was alive, likely the uncaught shape-shifting criminal "The Ghostly Goose". He looks quite happy.

Film
"Del: Why are you holding my hand?
 * From Planes, Trains and Automobiles, when John Candy and Steve Martin are sharing a bed...

Neal: Where's your other hand?

Del: Between two pillows.

Neal: Those aren't pillows!!"

"Dora Charleston: Dickie, don't! You know how I get when you touch me there!
 * Inverted in a cut line in the bed scene of Blazing Saddles; after Lili mutters, "Oh, it's twue, it's twue!", Sheriff Bart responds, "Ma'am, you're sucking on my elbow."
 * Murder By Death: The main characters are seated together around a table. Suddenly the room goes dark (on YouTube starting at around 10:25).

Dick Charleston: Not me, darling. I got my hands in my pockets.

Sam Diamond: I'm afraid they're my pockets.

Dick Charleston: Oh. Sorry about that.

Dora Charleston: Dickie, behave yourself!"

"Stretch: Who's got their pointy head up my--
 * Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. While the group is crowded together in a room, Mrs. TV says "Someone's touching me!" It turns out to be Grandpa Joe accidentally touching her shoulder. It's on YouTube at about 2:50 in.
 * In the movie Without a Clue, a woman in a pub accuses one the patrons of pinching her bottom while her back was turned. A drunken Sherlock Holmes steps forward and after rambling through the evidence, admits that he did it, and then pinches her again.
 * Casper: Just after the Ghostly Trio have been sucked into a vacuum cleaner and are, for some reason, temporarily stuck inside the bag...

Fatso: That's not my head."


 * In the comedy Water Michael Caine and a female environmentalist are tied to a tree by Cuban terrorists; Caine has to inform her that it's not his lighter she's grabbed hold of to burn the ropes...

Jokes
"Man #1: I had an amazing dream last night, a supermodel was giving me a handjob!
 * Three guys are forced to share a bed because it's the last room in the hotel. In the morning they are waking up.

Man #2: That's odd, I had the same dream.

Man #3 (in the middle): "Mine was lame. All I was doing was rowing a boat."

Literature

 * A Star Trek Expanded Universe novel featured the original series bridge crew cramming into a closet. This included Uhura, who warned someone that their hands were wandering into private property.

Live Action TV
"Her:' HEY!!
 * In one episode of Quantum Leap, Sam and the female lead are caught in a radio studio when the power is cut, leading to the following exchange in the dark:

Him: Sorry - I was feeling for the doorknob.

Her: Wouldn't the doorknob be lower?"

"Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass.
 * In the That 70s Show episode "Red Sees Red", Kelso and Donna have to hide under a bed:

Kelso: It was an accident.

Donna: It's still there.

Kelso: It's still an accident!

Donna: Kelso, it's still there!

Kelso: [Laughs] Yeah."

"Nina: ...Finch, that better be a breadstick."
 * Farscape. Rygel and Chiana are locked in an airtight tube while the air is purged from the ship; naturally the lecherous Rygel uses this as a chance for some groping.
 * Used in an episode of Just Shoot Me, when Finch spotted a pretty girl at a dinner party while standing behind Nina.

"Karen: Jack? That had better be your penis.
 * A Brazilian soap opera had two men washing themselves at a bathtub, both wearing trunks. Then one says something about a "rubber duck". And the other "It's not a duck!". The first one promptly jumps out.
 * Will and Grace: Lampshaded when Karen, Grace, Jack and Rosario are all sleeping bunched up in the back of Karen's limo:

Grace: I can't do this. I sleep on my left. Turn.

Jack: Oh, pl--Grace!

Grace: Come on, come on. (everyone turns on their other side and says good night)

Karen: Grace? That had better be your penis.

Grace: It's a thermos, but thank you."

"Pam: Do you have something in your pocket?
 * The Office: An unusually sweet moment when Pam hugs Michael is ruined:

Michael: A Chunky. (Pam's eyes widen in horror; he shows her an actual candy bar) Do you want half?"

"Sam:Wait Who's butt is this?
 * In iCarly Halloween episode this happens when Sam and Carly run into a dark closet to escape the "Ghost"

Carly: Sam!

Sam: Sorry"

"Rob: [slightly flustered] Can I just say... that's my phone."
 * Married... with Children: While playing Twister, Peggy is internally happy that so many people are rubbing her butt; meanwhile, Marcy is secretly unhappy that nobody is rubbing hers, even though "it's way up in the air".
 * In Would I Lie to You (a show which occasionally features impromptu physical comedy apropos of nothing but the Rule of Funny), Rob Brydon winds up dancing with Christine Bleakley. After she coaches him into getting his body very tight against hers..

"Rob: That's my phone, by the way."
 * Repeated in the episode in which Rob and Nick Hewer were wearing a "cuddle jumper" (an oversize jumper with two neck holes) and Hewer had to sit on Rob's lap.

"Jack: "It's my side-arm, I swear!""
 * Stargate SG-1: Jack and Sam are trapped on a glacier, and are forced to huddle together to keep warm.

"Blanche: Who made the first move?
 * A variation occurs in The Golden Girls when an embarrassed Dorothy is recounting how she hooked up with her ex-husband in a car:

Dorothy: I guess I did. It was dark, and Stan stopped the car... I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake!"

Video Games
"Justin: "What's this...? It's warm... and squishy."
 * Grandia: the party crawls through the sewers and this exchange occurs with the hero and the Action Girl.

Feena: [Armor-Piercing Slap]"


 * Variation in Tales of Symphonia: In a Z-skit in the Temple of Darkness, Zelos eagerly explains to Lloyd how much fun darkness is with a girl and how much one can do with her without her knowing. Lloyd immediately tells Sheena that Zelos was the one touching her butt, with Zelos claiming that that he hadn't done anything to her yet in an unsuccessful attempt to prevent retaliation.
 * Fanon seems to have it that Lloyd was the real culprit here.
 * In Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, there is such a scene in Pigsy's escape pod (which was designed for one person). "It's just your hand is ... right on my ... Penis."

Web Comics
""Broom handle!!""
 * The Megatokyo strip "f33ling it", during the Megagamers invasion storyline.
 * Wow. Those are a lot softer than I thought they'd be.
 * Largo got in trouble for this a lot early on...
 * In Order of the Stick, Vaarsuvius casts "Invisibility Sphere" to let the party sneak past a group of enemy Mooks. The sphere's radius? Three feet, nine inches. Hilarity Ensues.
 * In Schlock Mercenary, everybody's favourite carbosilicate amorph ends up with bits of him lodged... places... when he and Kevin (among others) crash from a great height into water.
 * Art and Kat end up stuck or hiding in a closet twice.

"Well stop rubbing your arse against me!"
 * But subverted a moment later:

"Kickback: Who's hand is that?
 * Insecticomics, during the blackout:

Thunderblast: Depends. Who's aft is that?

Kickback: Hi, Thunderblast."

Web Original
"Bubs: Yep, I've dealt with this before. Lights: definitely out.
 * In one Homestar Runner Halloween 'toon, "3 Times Halloween Funjob", Homestar encounters this problem when Strong Sad's seance appears to cause a blackout.

Homestar: ...And somebody's a-grabbin' a-my butt."

"Marzipan: Hey, watch those hands, David Coppafeel!
 * Also happens in the Strong Bad E-mail "senior prom", when the lights suddenly go out at the "Entrapment All Up On the Moon" Dance:

Homestar: Yeah, David!"

"Goblin: GOAAUUW! What?!
 * I'm a Marvel And I'm a DC plays this straight too in the second season, when Batman and Green Goblin have been captured by the Joker and Batman instructs Goblin to reach into his pocket...

Batman: That's not a pocket!"


 * When most of the cast of Red vs. Blue have to squeeze into a tank, there are some variants of this line said. Simmon openly asks if Donut is there too.

Western Animation
"Hawkgirl: ...Whose hand is that?
 * Justice League, "The Savage Time": The league is riding a rocket train, which abruptly starts and throws them all into a pile. Then:

Flash: [pulling his hand from what almost certainly was her boob] Sorry!"

""...flamethrower, Ring of Power, roll of quarters...wait, that's not a...""
 * The Simpsons have done it (of course) even if it wasn't the rectal area. When Homer gets the town to make the world's tallest human pyramid, Jimbo says to Kearney "Dude, you're touching my hand!" Both pull back and the pyramid collapses. After the fallout, we see Jimbo lying on the ground and Kerney collapsed on top of him. Jimbo: "Dude, your lying on my legs!...Dude?"
 * Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, when Phil Ken Sebben is going through his pocket looking for his keys:

"Starfire: Someone's claws are on my grebnacks!
 * In an episode of Teen Titans, when the team collapses in a pile:

Beast Boy: My bad. [wet suction cup sound]"

"Earthworm: Ow! Somebody pinched me!
 * It should be noted that Beast Boy was an Octopus at that time.
 * The James and the Giant Peach film has this:

Centipede: Sorry, I thought you were the spider.

Grasshopper: *smacked* Ouch. What was that?

Miss Spider: Excuse, I thought you were the centipede."

"Robot 8: Who is grabbing my ass back there?
 * Frisky Dingo: "Yeah, that's not a pickle."
 * "I know. It's your penis."
 * "My penis. My peeeenis..."
 * Sealab 2021, when two football teams are squeezed into a small room:

Stormy: Is it me?

Robot 8: I don't know, do that again.

Stormy: What, uh, that?

Robot 8: Yes, now keep doing it."

"Lindsay: "Something brushed up against my leg!"
 * Total Drama Action: The lights go out during the Train Murder Mystery episode.

Beth: "Something brushed up against my leg!"

Harold: "I keep brushing up against things that feel suspiciously like legs!""

"Krystal:"Who touched my ass!?...Do it again, that feels good.""
 * In Squidbillies, Krystal is blocking the entrance to the local convenience store with her bulk, and a crowd of people have gathered around behind her.