Pirates of the Caribbean/Funny

Curse of the Black Pearl
"Ragetti: *shakily points at the Pearl* ...boat..."
 * Jack Sparrow's entrance into Port Royal, standing proudly atop the mast of his ship... which is mostly underwater as he enters the port, and sinks completely just as he casually walks on the dock.
 * Made all the more funny by the fact that at that moment, the music is blaring the main heroic theme, and not playing to the sheer ridiculousness of it.
 * And, immediately afterwards, "Hold up there, you! It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock!" (cut to mast sticking out of the water next to the dock)
 * Awesomely called back in the third film. Jack appears on the mast of the Pearl, riding his ship across a desert. Made absolutely priceless as, just as the ship enters the water and the awesome music fades:

""I suppose you didn't deserve that one either?" "No, that one I definitely deserved.""
 * Just watch anytime Jack Sparrow tries to talk to a woman.
 * Especially when they discover the first mate among the crew:

"Elizabeth: Whose side is Jack on?
 * During the final battle on Isla de Muerta, Will and Elizabeth skewer three undead pirates together, stuff a lit bomb into the middle one's empty ribcage, then push the three out of the moonlight, effectively trapping the bomb within the pirate's newly reformed flesh. The unfortunate fellow's "No fair!", followed by the ensuing explosion, was magnificent.
 * From the same scene:

Will: ...At the moment? (That has to be one of Orlando's best facial expressions ever', seriously.)"

"Ragetti: Is it supposed to be doing that?
 * When Jack's crew steals the Pearl in the final battle.

Pintel: They're stealing our ship!

Ragetti: ...BLOODY PIRATES!"

"Jack Sparrow "Why is the rum ALWAYS gone?" *Staggers* "...oh, that's why.""
 * "BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!?!"

"Elizabeth: "So that's it then, that's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow; you spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum."
 * The best part of the above is when Jack picks up his pistol - the one with the single shot he was saving for Barbossa - and almost shoots Elizabeth.
 * And before that.

Jack: "Welcome to the Carribean, love.""

"Jack Sparrow: Mr. Cotton! Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?! (Cotton is silent) Mr. Cotton! Answer, man!
 * Barbossa's expression as Jack alludes to him not wanting to kill Will and lift the curse. It just says it all, he doesn't want to listen and is likely going to regret it, but he just has to find out what Jack means.
 * This exchange:

Gibbs: You'll have to forgive him sir. Cotton here's a mute; poor devil got his tongue cut out! So he's trained the parrot to talk for him. (beat) No one's yet figured how...

Jack Sparrow: Mr. Cotton's.... parrot! Same question.

Cotton's Parrot: Awk! Wind in yer sails, wind in yer sails.

Gibbs: Mostly we figure that means "yes".

Jack Sparrow: Of course it does!"

"Pirate 1: Hello! (throws a stick of dynamite on the ground. It fails to explode. The pirate looks dejected. Will happily reaches for his sword. A second pirate runs past him).
 * Jack is carrying a banana in this scene. This is never explained.
 * "Say goodbye!" *falling shop sign to the face* "...Goodbye."
 * "You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Ja-" *slips*
 * The visual metaphor of a "skeleton crew".
 * In the attack on Port Royal, Will is confronted by a pirate:

Pirate 2: Outta my way, scum! (Clubs Will on the head, knocking him out cold)."

"Jack: (Jack has just been ordered to explain why he's aboard the Interceptor and not to lie) Alright, I confess. It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, then raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out.
 * Sea turtles.
 * Jack meeting Murtog and Mulroy

Murtog: I just said no lies!

Mulroy: I think he's telling the truth...

Murtog: If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us!

Jack: Unless he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told it to you."

"Barbossa: Why thank ye, Jack.
 * The following:

Jack Sparrow: You're welcome.

Barbossa: Oh, not you. We named the monkey Jack."


 * The list of Jack's crimes as he's about to be executed, including "impersonating a clergyman of the Church of England", which elicits a wry grin from a reminiscing Jack.
 * "STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!"

Dead Man's Chest
"Elizabeth: This is barbaric! This is no way for grown men to settle...Oh, FINE! Let's just...haul out our swords and start banging away at each other, that will solve EVERYTHING! I'VE HAD IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH WOBBLY-LEGGED...RUM-SOAKED...PIRATES!"
 * "It's the Bible. You get points for trying."
 * "I've got a jar of dirt!"
 * Made even funnier in that none of the actors aboard the Pearl were told what Johnny Depp would be doing, so their WTF looks are genuine.
 * The scene where the kebab!Jack falls through the bridges. Especially when the tribeswomen just watch for a second, one basically says "Eh, whatever," then they walk away, as if it happens ALL the time.
 * I always figured it was more of a "Well, if he's that crazy, then never mind," sort of thing.
 * The swordfight on Isla Cruces. It's not the fight, it's Elizabeth's reaction to it. She even walks sarcastically.

"Hadras: Aiyaaa. Anido. Anido! Follow my voice, follow my voice. To the left... no, turn around. Go to the right. Go-
 * Made especially hilarious with the audio commentary: According to the writers, everything was going great that day. Then came Keira, sweet little Keira having an absolute MELTDOWN.
 * The part where three pirates are trying to have an honest-to-goodness swordfight on a moving water wheel.
 * I had a hard time choosing between that scene and the one where the wheel falls over, Will and Norrington stumble out, and Will tries to rush over to Liz and help her...and he's too dizzy to even walk properly.
 * And then there's when Jack is on the inside of the water wheel, grabs the key, and gets a triumphant look on his face...right before a metal bar smacks him in the head, knocking him out of it.
 * And of course, the part where Ragetti, Pintel, and Elizabeth abruptly pause their battle just to stare blankly as the wheel rolls past them, then once it's off-screen they shrug and return to the battle as though nothing had happened.
 * One of Davy Jones' crew mates is running with the chest, when Jack throws a coconut and knocks his head off. The head shouts directions to the blind body (about 2 minutes in).

[the body rams against a tree]

Hadras: ... No, that's a tree."

"Will: What about Jack? I'm not leaving without him!
 * A little while later, Norrington makes a run for it with the Dead Man's Chest in tow and the crew of the Dutchman in hot pursuit, only to be brought up short by Hadras, who's currently holding his severed head under his arm. After a tense standoff, Norrington simply tosses the Chest at Hadras- who drops his head to grab it- and runs for it; then, Hadras' body and the other crewmembers stroll off, leaving the very annoyed head shouting after them; eventually, it mutters, "Pirates!" then sprouts crab legs to follow them with, grumbling irritably to itself.
 * This gem:

Jack: (Being chased by cannibals) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Will: Time to go."

"Gibbs: Well, the Sea!
 * And, when asked, "What vexes all men?"

Pintel: Sums?

Ragetti: The dichotomy of good and evil? (everyone stares)"

"Elizabeth: Captain Sparrow!
 * A nice little graduation from The Ditz to Genius Ditz.
 * Elizabeth, dressed as a guy, finds Jack at Tortuga.

Jack: Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard!

Elizabeth: I'm here to find the man I love.

Jack: (beat) I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea. *Gestures to Gibbs: get rid of him*

Elizabeth: Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.

Jack: Elizabeth. (to Gibbs) Hide the rum!"

"Jack: You look bloody awful, mate, what are you doing here?
 * In Dead Man's Chest when Elizabeth shows up at Jack's crew recruitment dressed as a man and reveals to him who she is Jack says "It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin."
 * Watch Gibbs afterward as he quickly tries to drink his flask dry.
 * Just after that, when Jack first meets ex-Commodore Scruffington

Norrington: You hired me. I can't help it if your standards are lax.

Jack: *as immaturely as humanly possible* You smell funny."


 * *peck peck* *peck peck pe-* *BANG!*
 * The part where the crew are trying to scare off the Kraken, only to discover they're short on gunpowder. Will tells them to bring up the rum, and all the crew stop dead in their tracks. After a moment, Gibbs (reluctantly) agrees, and starts crying afterwards...
 * The 'three people, two swords' scene at Isla Cruces, right after Elizabeth's freakout (mentioned above). She notices Pintel and Ragetti trying to make off with the chest during the Melee a Trois going on between Jack, Will, and Norrington. She chases after them, and when they meet in the forest, she tries to pull out her sword to fight...only to realize that Will, who had arrived unarmed, yanked her sword in order to fight. The awkward Oh Crap smile she gives Pintel and Ragetti is priceless.

At World's End
"Ragetti (stuttering): Boat."
 * This:

"Pintel: Those aren't Pieces of Eight. They're just Pieces of Junk.
 * Jack struggling to match up to Barbossa'a 'telescope'. Made so much better by the looks Geoffrey Rush gave him in the two scenes.
 * This little exchange as all the pirates at the meeting give up their "Pieces of Eight".

Gibbs: Aye. The original plan was to use nine Pieces of Eight to bind Calypso. But when the First Court met, the Brethren were to a one skint broke.

Pintel: So change the name.

Gibbs: What, to "Nine Pieces of Whatever We Happened To Have In Our Pockets At The Time?" Oh yes, that sounds very piratey."

"(in the middle of the massive battle)
 * "NOBODY MOVE!... I dropped my brain."
 * Heck, any time we have multiple Jacks on screen at once is a hoot.
 * Also the wedding.

Will: Elizabeth! Will you marry me?

Elizabeth: (parries sword) I don't think now is the best time!"

"Elizabeth: "Barbossa! Marry us!"
 * Then, when Will tells Elizabeth he wants her and asks her what she wants, she says "Barbossa!" and Will just looks terribly confused.

Barbossa: "I'M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!""

"Barbossa: "Dearly beloved, we be gathered here today TO NAIL YOUR GIZZARDS TO THE MAST, YE POXY CUR!" *Later* "YOU MAY KISS! ... YOU MAY KISS! ... JUST KISS!""
 * However, he is persuaded:

"Barbossa: Take this fishwife to the brig.
 * Referring to Tia Dalma:

Pintel: Right this way, Mrs. Fish."

"Elizabeth: This is madness!
 * The Brethren Court fight scene.

Jack: This is politics."

"Jack: My ship, makes me captain!
 * "And so, we shall go to war!"
 * "Shoot him and cut out his tongue, and then shoot the tongue. And trim that scraggly beard."
 * I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I find the scene where Will, Beckett and Davy Jones are having that little tea party actually quite amusing. Just think about it: A Cthulu-look-a-like pirate captain, blacksmith turned pirate and an evil lord having a nice and tranquil teatime while trying to betray and kill eachothers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Mind Screw. It's so surreal situation all by itself, that it has it's own comedic value.
 * "Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?"
 * Cue his actual crew, all bit players most of the time, slowly raising their hands, starting with the midget pirate with no lines.
 * You mean Marty? He has awesome lines!
 * This exchange:

Barbossa: Aye, but I be holding the charts.

Jack: Well, that makes you...chartman!"

"Jack: What are you doing?
 * This exchange after Barbossa and Jack shout over each other, giving orders.

Barbossa: No, What ARRRRRRREEEE you doing?

Jack: No, what are YOU doing?

Barbossa: No, What AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRREEEEE you doing?

Jack: No, what are YOU doing?

Barbossa: No, What AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEE you doing?"

"Pintel: STOW IT! THE BOTH OF YOU! THAT'S AN ORDER! UNDERSTAND?! *Jack and Barbossa stare at him in surprise* ...sorry, I just thought with the captain issue in doubt I'd throw in my name for consideration."
 * And after that, Pintel steps in:

"Ragetti: I'd vote for you."
 * What makes it funnier is that after Pintel snaps at them, EVERYONE on deck stops and stares at him.
 * Arguably followed by a rather Heartwarming moment after Pintel has backed out of the fight:

"Parrot: Parlay?"
 * After failed Mexican Standoff, "We can still use them as clubs!" (gets bonked over the head with a gun)
 * Don't forget the lead-in to the failure: Everyone points their pistols at everyone else... then they all start laughing... and then they point their pistols at each other again.
 * After Jack fires at Barbossa in that scene, Barbossa gives him a look like "You were actually going to shoot me!"
 * The Monkey pulls a pistol on the Parrot, which responds...

"Jack: Oy! (grabs pistol out of guy's belt) My pistol! (hits guy over the head)"
 * Ragetti with a fork in his eye (the wooden one). It Makes Sense in Context.
 * Jack is swinging around the Pearl and the Dutchman on a rope, then comes face-to-face with one of Jones' crew. He looks at the guys belt, noticing something.

"Jack: Cuttlefish. Eh? Let us not, dear friends, forget our dear friends the cuttlefish... flipping glorious little sausages. Pen them up together, and they will devour each other without a second thought... Human nature, in'it? Ooor... fish nature... So yes... we could hold up here, well-provisioned and well-armed, and half of us would be dead within the month - which seems grim to me any way you slice it! Or... ahh... as my learned colleague so naively suggests, we can release Calypso, and we can pray that she will be merciful... I rather doubt it. Can we, in fact, pretend that she is anything other than a woman scorned, like which fury Hell hath no? We cannot. Res ipsa loquitur, tabula in naufragio, we are left with but one option. I agree with, and I cannot believe the words are coming out of me mouth... Captain Swann. We must fight."
 * Jack's incredibly long, detailed, and round-about way of voting during the Pirate Council:

"Barbossa: You've always run away from a fight!
 * This exchange follows right after that speech..

Jack: Have not.

Barbossa: You have so.

Jack: Have not.

Barbossa: You have so!

Jack: Have not!

Barbossa: You have so and you know it!

Jack: Have not! Slander and calumny! I have only ever embraced that oldest and noblest of pirate traditions. I submit that here now, that is what we all must do. We must fight, to run away."

"Jack: I once sailed with a geezer what lost both his arms and part of his eye.
 * This video makes it even better and completely proves Barbossa's point.
 * When Barbosa and Elizabeth go to Singapore, they are ordered to leave all their weapons with other pirates to gain entry to Sao Feng's hideout. Elizabeth removes a large amount of hidden weapons, including a rather large gun that by all rights, shouldn't fit anywhere... comfortably. If you look closely during that scene, you'll see Barbossa look behind her with a rather confused/surprised expression.
 * After coming upon Shipwreck island, which contains Shipwreck Cove, and the town of Shipwreck, Jack realizes how unimaginative pirates are at naming things.

Gibbs: What did you call him?

Jack:...Larry."

"Beckett: You're mad.
 * The "Up Is Down" scene. Nearly everyone confused, but still following Jack, while Barbossa just stands there watching everyone.
 * Jack's escape from the Endeavour to the Pearl with a rope tied to a cannon. For added funny, he sticks a tiny figurine of Beckett inside the cannon.

Jack: Thank goodness for that because if I wasn't this would probably never work. (Fires the cannon which pulls the rope hard enough to catapult him to the other ship)"

"Jack: And that was without a single drop of rum!"
 * And then after seeing him go sailing through the air, his crewmembers start looking for him in the water, only for Barbossa to do a hilarious Double Take when he sees Jack standing neatly on the Pearl's stern.

"Officer: Do you think he plans everything out, or just makes it up as he goes along?"
 * Don't forget Becket asking how long it'll take for them to be ready to pursue, and is answered by the cracking of the main mast as it falls over from the cannon blast. He doesn't even turn. And then the Lampshade Hanging.

"Jack:[pointing at Barbossa] He's the captain."
 * After being captured by Sao Feng's men

"Davy Jones: DO YA FEAAAAAAAR DEATH!?
 * Made funnier by the fact that they had been arguing about who was captain just days(?) before. And later, when they're brought back on the boat, Jack is hiding behind Barbossa.
 * Jack proudly saying that he has the key to Davy Jones' chest. Jones then raises the key himself and says "No, you don't!"
 * During their fight when Jack momentarily has Jones trapped inside a capstan, and he spins it around while Jones flails in confusion. Unfortunately, when it stops spinning... Jones is face-to-face with Jack. Whoops.
 * Jack's scream of terror when a roaring Jones steps towards him is the icing on that particular cake.
 * This exchange:

Jack Sparrow: You have no idea."

On Stranger Tides
"Jack: Captain, I wish to report a mutiny. I can name fingers and point names."
 * After Jack's :

"Angelica: I was innocent of the ways of men!
 * Jack's long, Big No-ish scream when a Voodoo doll of him is thrown off a cliff, leading into a slightly embarrassed silence when nothing bad happens to him.
 * Then, he actually does jump, and his scream sounds exactly the same.
 * Angelica near the start to Jack:

Jack: You displayed quite a lot of technique for someone I supposedly corrupted."

"Angelica: What were you doing in a Spanish convent anyway?
 * While discussing the circumstances of their first meeting:

Jack: Mistook it was a brothel. Honest mistake."

"Angelica: *surrounded by red coats* We are at a disadvantage.
 * Which is a nice Viewers Are Geniuses moment, as, I believe, that was still the era where "a nunnery" more properly referred to a whorehouse.
 * And just after that:

Jack: Speak for yerself. Unlike some who pretend to be, but cannot in fact hold a candle to, I am Captain Jack Sparrow. *proceeds to slash open beer barrels, creating distraction, then stops to drink from an opened wine barrel*"

"Jack: He's annoying even in miniature."
 * Philip tells Blackbeard to open Syrena's tank and let more air in. Jack agrees, saying "I support the missionary's position!"
 * Jack looking at the Black Pearl in a bottle...and then jumping back when Jack The Monkey pops up.

"Jack: How's that escape plan workin'?
 * The Stinger at the end. Angelica is sulking by the tree, alone on an islet, when the Voodoo Doll!Jack washes up to shore. Cue devious smirk on her face. Poor Jackie. Poor poor, Jackie...
 * Jack and Angelica's faces moving closer... and the music suddenly stops when Jack bails out.
 * Jack and Barbossa's raid on the Spanish camp.

Barbossa: Here's your chance to improvise."

"Jack: (pouting) I want one."
 * The more I watch the movies, the more I realize Jack and Barbossa are like an old married couple.
 * This is followed by Barbossa removing his peg leg to get to the secret compartment in it - which doesn't contain a sword, but rum,

""A crossbow, three goats, one of us will need to learn to play the trumpet, and the other will need to do this (wiggles fingers).""
 * Which leads to a Heartwarming moment when Barbossa let's Jack have a drink.
 * What does Jack need for his plan to release the Black Pearl from its bottle?

"Angelica: "Sparrow! Ven aquí o te arranco la cabeza!" (Translated: "Sparrow! Get back here or I'll cut off your head!")"
 * Barbossa confronting Blackbeard: "You are charged with murder, piracy, and the theft of one hairy, well used right leg!"
 * Jack trying to lock Angelica in her cabin so she'll be safe. It... doesn't work out too well.

"Pirate: You're either with us, or against us!
 * She then wings her sword into (and through) the door so the tip ends up about an inch from Jack's face. Nice Ironic Echo to Will throwing his sword into the smithy's door beside Jack's face in the first movie!
 * "Someone make note of that man's bravery."
 * "Well, Your Heiney...."
 * The whole scene with the king, really.
 * Jack in the judge's wig. Reminds one of how Jack was being charged with "impersonating a member of the clergy" that one time.
 * Jack realizing that the Ponce de Leon really wants to keep his map.
 * Bonus points for Barbossa clearly mouthing "Don't touch the map!" Something about Rush's expression is hilarious.
 * Jack is running off to find Ponce de Leon's ship. Then he trips over some plants and falls out of sight. Then he stands up and starts stabbing the plants with his sword.
 * During the climax, just as Barbossa's and Blackbeard's crews are about to start fighting, Jack interrupts and states that it's foolish for the two crews to kill each other over Barbossa's grudge against Blackbeard, so they should just sit back and let the two captains duke it out personally. There's silence, and then one of the Blackbeard pirates nods in agreement and sheathes his sword... and then everyone fights anyway.
 * When Jack and another pirate are freeing Philip during the mutiny:

Philip: I'm not with you, nor am I against you.

(Beat)

Pirate: Can he do that?

Jack: He's religious, I think it's required."


 * Barbossa makes a metaphor about his footsteps in sand to describe why he can't turn back... then his jackass second-in-command feels the need to point out that it would technically be "footstep" on account of his infirmity. Barbossa's expression is priceless.

Bloopers
"Jack: Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay...I love you man, let's just face the fact."
 * Granted, they're not part of the films themselves, but the blooper reels for the three films are some the funniest I have ever seen.
 * From Curse of the Black Pearl
 * From Dead Man's Chest
 * From At World's End
 * "Mr. Cotton! Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death?!"
 * Take one:

"Jack: Do you have the courage to fortitude..."
 * Take two:

"Jack: Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay brave in the sea...oh, god, I hate this bloody line. Where are the writers? I'm gonna kill them..."
 * Take three:

"Johnny Depp: Was that a plane?"
 * Not to mention, he said all of that last bit in character.
 * On the deck after rescuing Elizabeth, Norrington is mocking Jack's equipment and then suddenly...

"Johnny Depp: "Let us not, dear friends, forget our... lines. Yes! Let us not forget our lines.""
 * At the Pirate Council:

"Beckett: The charges are conspiring to set free a man legally... lawfully... Sorry, I'm slightly confused because I didn't know which verse we were doing. Shall I say it or Jonathon (Governor Swann) say it?"
 * There's also Orlando Bloom's "Aarrrr, swash swash, buckle buckle," and Tom Hollander and Johnny Depp's numerous tries to get a scene done (the bargain upon the Endeavour), which includes Hollander's haughty "I'm trying to work here," and Depp's "Can't swear in a Disney film, mate. *pause in which the director confirms* ...see, told you!"
 * One take of the otherwise dramatic opening scene in Dead Man's Chest:
 * (Beckett) *long beat, points* "Kill him!"
 * (Governor Swann) "The charge is conspiring to set free a man convicted of... I can't read my own writing." (If you look closely, you can also see Tom Hollander (Beckett) struggling not to crack up.)
 * This one ties into Governor Swann's above quote:

Governor Swann: It's my line, dear.

Beckett: Sorry!

Governor Swann: It's alright. (Jokingly mimes while shaking his fist at Beckett: I'm going to f-ing kill you, you f-ing b*stard...)"


 * Jack's conditions of help: "I shall help you to find the compass, if you'll do strange things to my dog. His name is Tim."
 * Geoffry Rush staying in character when he flubs his lines:
 * "Calypso! I come before you as but a servant... *his hat is blown off* Ye blew my hat off, ye *bleep*!"
 * "And I won't let the likes of Beckett Cutler... *pause* er, sometimes known as Cutler Beckett..."
 * Will: *yells an order to the crew.* Barbossa: "BELAY THAT!" *beat* "...DO SOMETHING ELSE!"
 * Geoffrey Rush accidentally hitting himself in the eye with his spyglass is known to cause giggles and sympathetic wincing at the same time.
 * Anytime someone fails to catch something.
 * "There's a female presence here sir, all the men have felt her.﻿ No they haven't... "

Deleted Scenes

 * Deleted Scene from AWE. Barbossa and Jack are fighting (like children) over who gets to steer the ship. They even go so far as to wrestle over the wheel.