Warp That Aesop (Darth Wiki)/Literature

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 * Arabian Nights: Insane psychotic tyrants always find the best women to marry.
 * The Icelandic Sagas: Feuding, piracy, and savagery are an honorable way to live.
 * The Iliad: marital problems should be solved by burning whole cities down.
 * It's worthwhile to start a war to rescue one adulterous woman, but afterward, you should kill her for letting you fight a war over her.
 * Norse Mythology : Fighting all day and drinking all night is heaven.
 * Of course, all of the above were the intended Aesops.
 * To Kill a Mockingbird: Judge a species' worthiness of life based on how pleasant its behaviour is.
 * Even THAT makes no sense! Mockingbirds are MEAN motherfuckers!
 * His Dark Materials: Mind Rape for the greater good is wrong, but murder for the greater good is a-okay!
 * The greater good...
 * A single evening's conversation with a man you find attractive is all the justification you need to not only break your nun's vows, but stop believing in God altogether.
 * Spending the rest of your days separated from your soulmate (whom you're sure you've found at the ripe old age of thirteen) is worth it to make absolutely sure the multiverse doesn't deteriorate infintessimally faster because you left one freakin' gateway open.
 * Where you're born is where you belong, get out of my country! Er, I mean world.
 * Deenie: "I wanted you to have it better than I did" is a perfectly valid reason to push one daughter into being a supermodel against her will and punish another for liking a boy who isn't her intellectual equal.
 * Belisarius Series : The best way to advance civilization is to kill hundreds of thousands of helpless peasants.
 * Almost all your enemies are stupid and incompetent. Those that aren't will change sides and join you.
 * Catch-22: Being a Grade A coward who will let friends in the same situation die around him is the only good way to conduct yourself in war. After all, it doesn't have anything to do with you, who cares about stopping Fascism and fighting for human rights?
 * A Clockwork Orange: Rehabilitating psychopathic criminals doesn't work, and incarceration is inhumane, so you might as well let them murder and rape and hope they get bored eventually.
 * ... I thought that was the Aesop...
 * Lord of the Rings: It is impossible to use your enemy's own weapons against them. Even considering it will screw you over.
 * The Return of the King: People with addictions should at first be pitied, but only so that their addictions can be used as bait when you need to kill them.
 * And if your country has a lousy leader, the best thing to do is bring back a King, since monarchs are inherently better rulers, even if he's done nothing but roam around the woods his whole life.
 * That may be an intended aesop.
 * Hannibal: Kidnap, torture and mind-rape is acceptable if the crazy guy gets some.
 * The High Crusade: Military technology is for wusses. True Englishmen conquer the galaxy with longbows.
 * Horatio Hornblower : Englishmen are way cooler then anyone else. Frenchmen are evil. Spaniards are lazy. Arabs are...
 * Waiting for Godot: Life is banal, repetitive, and hopeless, so go hang yourself.... Nah, don't. There might be vegetables in your pocket.
 * Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, Eragon, and oh so many others: who gives a shit if you have a life? Who, for that matter, gives a shit if you fall in love, get a job, change the world? So long as the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE(s) survives and is kept happy, you're basically cannon fodder. If you've ever been in proximity of the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE(s), you're cannon fodder with makeup and a voice.
 * Additional: Being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE also gives you carte blanche to be a whiny jackass in many cases. Don't worry; being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE means everyone has to put up with you.
 * If you're a mentor, teacher or friend to the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE. Congrats! You are officially above the law and don't have any obligation to tell the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE or anyone else the truth. As long as you can thinly disguise your actions as being for the greater good then life will bend over backwards to justify your actions. If the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE whines about this tell him he's stupid until he gets back in line.
 * For Eragon specifically: Mercy and sympathy are for suckers. Who cares that the enemy soldiers you slaughter enmasse are conscripts with no say in the matter, or that your brother is magically compelled to work for the Big Bad, or that you've doomed a species to extinction and the last survivor's final request is for the memory of his race to continue, or even that the guy completely at your mercy had fairly understandable reasons to do what he did. Hell, don't even consider that the city your allies are about to destroy hates the Empire and committed no crime beyond cutting down a few trees, like every city needs to do to survive. Kill or torment them all you want, and do not even consider treating them like human beings. Nobody will ever call you on it. Also, the only reason the Big Bad is any worse than you, your allies, or the old order everyone's so fond of is because he's not an elf or a worshipper of elves.
 * For Harry Potter specifically: Do you hate being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE because all it has ever done is bringing you the death of your friends, contempt and jealousy from your rivals and even from your own best friend, the breakup with your love interest, the murder of your original family which in turn putted you with an abusive adoptive family and years later killed the closest thing you ever had as a father, and last but not least made you a living walking target for the most psychotic cult leader ever lived? Well fuck you then because thats life of being the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE so just shut it and take it as a man. Fate has decided to make you the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE and no one says no to fate without harsh punishment so there is nothing you can do about it. So forget your dreams about a normal life because you ain't getting it until fate thinks you have done your job for it.
 * Subversion (for Star Wars only): You are not the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE. Your father is. But you have to be electrocuted in order for him to know it.
 * Cheer up orphans! Your family didn't abandon you because of abuse, neglect, tragic accidents, or socioeconomic reasons, it's because you're the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE, and your family just left you behind because they wanted you to rise to greatness! You should hold out for the mysterious bearded guy who will come any day now and whisk you off to train to be the MAGIC CHOSEN ONE, because he's trying to find you.
 * The Devil and Daniel Webster: It's perfectly okay to cheat your way out of your end of a contract after the other guy's already upheld his, since the other guy is clearly evil.
 * Hogfather: If you don't believe in Santa Claus, you're not human.
 * No, that's the original "Yes, Virginia" monologue. Seriously.
 * Equal Rites: You can become the trailblazing first of your gender in a prestigious work if you then sneak off to your office and never show sign of your existence to your colleagues.
 * Night Watch: Protesting a corrupt, repressive government will just make things worse.
 * Truth in television: Military revolutions against a corrupt dictator often lead to a new government that's just as bad.
 * Dune: A drug addict should rule the universe as long as he proves it by killing lots of people, forcing a princess to marry him, and then ignoring her while having sex with a desert barbarian who wears smelly clothes. His mother will be very proud of him.
 * Or teenagers who threaten to destroy civilization are really cool.
 * How about, never trust your doctor?
 * Or people who live in countries with lots of water like reading about how wussy they are.
 * That last one can also be learned from The Wheel of Time
 * Gossip Girl: Sex, fashion, and high school gossip are the only things that really matter in life; anything involving actual thought processes is superfluous and irrelevant.
 * You can get away with anything and get anything you want if you're rich, skinny, and blonde. If anyone gets in your way or objects, then they're just jealous.
 * Les Misérables: If you ever attempt to change society, you are doomed to fail.
 * A policeman who chases the logical but incorrect suspect or is obsessive about his work should go to Hell.
 * Gals, let men control your life. Odds are, you'll be a victim, a villain, a whore or a characterless rich man's daughter, so there's little or no chance that you'll ever do anything important - except maybe just dying.
 * Whoa, did you just say that villains aren't important?
 * Gals, being a villain is the only way you'll be important.
 * The pretty rich girl always wins out over the poor girl, even when the poor girl has known the guy for much longer and the guy in question is a revolutionary who supposedly doesn't care about issues of class.
 * The Chronicles of Narnia: Only the pure, mindlessly faithful will survive.
 * The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: Humans cause global warming.
 * The Last Battle: organized religion is twisting true and honest faith with it's lies, use false, perverted image of loving and real god to justify slavery and murder, the pope is a monkey, the only god you can find in a church is Cosmic Horror that will eat you or make you revert backwards in evolution and atheists are either evil manipulators behind organized religion who use it to control mindless crowds or it's victims.
 * Ella Enchanted: the fact that your own personal life is hell is no reason to disobey those in authority. Only if your love interest in threatened should you act independently.
 * The Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries: It doesn't matter how bad you treat all the men around you, they all want you.
 * Reading minds is completely horrible and ruins your life, unless your blond and pretty, then you can solve mysteries that are tenuously, at best, connected to you.
 * You should stay in a house you can't really afford, in a town where the people who don't treat you with pity, scorn and/or fear can be counted on one hand (fewer still if you remove any supernaturals), even when you had several chances to leave with help from others (who actually like you). Why? Because that's where you belong.
 * Thomas the Tank Engine: Bullies will keep coming back to torment you, no matter what you or the adults in authority try to do about it.
 * Sadly that's Truth in Television.
 * In addition: Technological progress is bad and we should do everything in our power to stop it.
 * Your worth as an individual hinges on the judgement of a how useful you are to a fat man in a top hat.
 * Diesel engines are evil incarnate.
 * Twilight: As long as you really love him, it's okay to let him stop you from visiting friends, break into your house at night, hurt you when you sleep together, get married at a young age, and have a child less than a year after marriage. And, if you really want to show your love, the best way is to cut off all your relationships with everyone but him!
 * Wasn't that the intended Aesop?
 * Females, regardless of age, have no worth outside of their relationship with a man.
 * Wait, wait, wasn't that an intended Aesop too?
 * It's acceptable, even admirable, for men to fall in love with a small child.
 * Additionally, Hikaru Genji totally had the right idea when it came to child grooming.
 * If a woman doesn't want to be married and have kids, then there's something desperately wrong with her.
 * Actually, Bella believes exactly the opposite; wanting to get married before sex is so out of date it's idiotic. Marriage is a pointless institution! I'm agreeing to live with you for the rest of eternity, but we're NOT getting married, that's crazy talk!
 * You'll be happier dead than without your boyfriend
 * It's entirely okay, if not recommended, to establish romantic relationships entirely on personal appearances.
 * Abuse is ok as long as he is hot!
 * What's wrong with marrying young?
 * Women have no choice in their relationships. Once a guy has singled you out as his, there is no escape.
 * Just because he ripped half your face off when you refused to go out with him doesn't mean he doesn't love you! Also, if he goes into a downward spiral afterwards because of his actions, you should instantly forgive him and become the perfect housewife for him and all his friends.
 * Screw The Guy Next Door who actually knows and understands you. Go for the relationship with an attractive stranger with whom you have no actual chemistry or compatibility whatsoever!
 * Necrophilia is awesome. So is bestiality. And pedophilia.
 * Wouldn't the logical answer then be to have sex with a dead puppy?
 * Don't give the author ideas for sequels!
 * Come on, guys. You didn't even have to try with that one, did you?
 * Months of self-imposed isolation and attempted suicide are healthy responses to your boyfriend leaving you
 * Stalking, kidnapping, breaking and entering, false imprisonment and theft are all expressions of true love
 * There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend forcing you to break off all contact with friends and family members he disapproves of
 * Admitting that, deep down, you would like to kill and eat your significant other is romantic
 * Lust (in the guise of a Magical Native American) is always wrong. Abstinence (in the guise of a guy who can give you a Fate Worse Than Death even if he doesn't want to) is always right.
 * If he attempts suicide, he is showing that he loves you. Your best outlet to show your affection is to commit suicide. If he tries to stop you, its because he doesn't want you around for very long.
 * Stable relationships are only for the dead and necrophiliacs.
 * A man without massive amounts of body glitter is unattractive.
 * It's perfectly okay for your boyfriend to blackmail you into marrying him, endanger your life, and cause you to be in terrible agony for two days straight. It's all in the name of love.
 * If your daughter breaks her hand trying to slap the boy who forced a kiss on her, feel free to compliment him on his sexual aggression.
 * Ladies - don't waste your time on those boring, friendly boys who offer to help you get used to your new school, or invite you to hang out with their clique. Clearly, there's something wrong with them. What you want to do is hold out for the guy who sits in the darkest corner of the room and glares at you.
 * Inheritance Cycle: Unleashing years of warfare on peasants is acceptable if you are tied to both of the master races. Also, women, except those belonging to the aforementioned master race, are useless.
 * The Crucible: If you speak up, you don't deserve to live.
 * Also, if you're caught doing something against the law, you should confess immediately, but while doing so, you should also accuse several innocent bystanders of doing the same thing (bonus points if they're upstanding citizens that you happen not to like). Not only will the authorities forgive you immediately, but they'll let you testify against the people you accused. And anyone who doesn't follow your lead may be publicly ostracized and executed.
 * Considering that the play was meant to show people the similarities of the 1950's red scare and the witch hunts, this was a sarcastic endorsement of McCarthyism. It even got Miller put on the FBI list of suspected communist for its obvious analogy.
 * Auntie Mame: Life is a banquet---if you've been lucky enough to inherit a fortune that allows you travel to exotic places and spend a mint on your own kooky hobbies. If you're poor though, you're pretty much out of luck unless you can land yourself a rich man.
 * How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Only people who have something fundamentally wrong with them (shoes too tight, head not screwed on right, heart two sizes too small) could possibly have any reason to dislike a holiday they don't celebrate, especially one that generates so much noise it can be heard up a mountain a mile away.
 * Comply, absolutely, with society or go fuck yourself.
 * If you find that someone robbed you on Christmas morning, all you have to do is sing a joyous song about how his actions did not prevent Christmas
 * Story Of An Hour: If for some reason you're mistaken for dead, don't bother showing up alive. Your wife was happy that you died and will have a heart attack as soon as you return.
 * Foundation: According to mathematics, unless you're literally not human, you can do nothing to change the course of history and even if you think you're changing the course of history, you're just helping it along.
 * Unless you know the mathematics yourself. Which is a good reason to keep it secret.
 * Horton Hears a Who: That guy who insists inanimate objects are talking to him is absolutely right, and trying to cure him of his craziness is tantamount to genocide.
 * Shunning someone and emotionally torturing them for having an imaginary friend is just fine, as long as you have a scapekangaroo in case everything turns!
 * The Hunt for Red October: Mutiny, treason, and the stealing of multibillion dollar pieces of equipment from your employer are admirable activities.
 * My Sister's Keeper: If it happens to be your lot in life to make sacrifices for your sibling, up to and including your kidney, suck it up. If you try to assert yourself, fate will intervene and your braindead body will end up being used for parts anyway.
 * The original version of "The Frog Prince": Domestic violence works! Especially when it's girl-on-guy!
 * Green Eggs and Ham: If you want convince someone to try new things, stalk and pester them to do what you want, never giving them a moment's rest until they cave in. Consider sweetening the deal by changing the locale and/or getting cute animals involved.
 * If someone tries to get you to do something, especially if they pester you about it. Try the food, drink that beer, smoke the pot, bury that hooker's body -- whatever anyone wants you to do, you should do, because someone else told you to, a lot. Peer pressure is awesome, and must be obeyed.
 * Dodgy-looking meat and animal byproducts are delicious and not at all likely to give you food poisoning.
 * Harry Potter: Killing people makes you look like a snake. Therefore, killing is wrong.
 * The rambling lecture that your headmaster gives you will actually be really, really important later on -- e.g., "Now pay attention, Potter. This bird can carry huge weights, is naturally loyal, its tears heal wounds, and by pure coincidence its tail feathers went into your wand and your mortal enemies'. I wonder what use you could put it to, hmm?"
 * Isn't the real Aesop then "pay attention in class, 'cause a few items mentioned at some point during an entire school year might save your life"?
 * It's a good idea for an abused child to follow a seemingly kind stranger who then brainwashes the child into being part of a cult where people believe they can make "magic" with sticks.
 * When all your efforts towards a goal fail (not that you should try really hard in the first place), apply a mind-altering substance -- it will give you all the correct answers, direct your actions along the only right path (don't bother to question either of those) and will even alter reality for your good.
 * Give children weapons that can kill/torture/maim people instantaneously. Just tell them not to. It'll probably be fine.
 * If a schoolyard brawl does happen to result in the maiming of a fellow student at your hand, then you can expect several hours of detention, causing you to, at worst, miss an intramural sports match. Your team wins the cup in your absence anyway, however, and you can still share in the celebrations, including a public make-out with your best friend's younger sister. The whole episode of the maiming is soon forgotten.
 * Loving your family is wonderful, unless you report an illegal secret society to the proper authorities in order to protect them. If you do that, you deserve to walk around with a disfigured face for the rest of your life.
 * Hey girls! The guy who sexually humiliates your best friend in front of the entire school to blackmail you into dating him will be an excellent husband to you.
 * Journalists are jerks. Except those who believe in all conspiracy theories.
 * While we're at it: a bastard journalist you blackmailed is more reliable to transcript a story you dictate word by word than writing it by yourself.
 * Mind-controlling and torturing people is wrong, unless you're the hero.
 * Meta-Aesop: Never write anything that might become popular, unless you want multiple HateDumbs to accuse you of corrupting impressionable children on the flimsiest of premises.
 * No matter how far you deliberately warp the Aesops of a series with a large cult fandom beyond recognition, it will still sound exactly like real fan wank and may be taken as such.
 * You Guys! You're forgetting the most important one: 'It's easy to become a maniacal dictator who throws the world (i.e. England) into a Crapsack spiral. Kill anyone who defies you! However...you should probably stop at one-year-olds and loving mothers. They can, like, totally ruin your plans...by dying...and being a lovable infant...'
 * If the relationship between two pupils under your charge has deteriorated to the point that they're trying to seriously kill each other, resulting in a fight to the death that leaves one maimed, the most important lesson to teach the other is to remind him just how much you still hate his dead father.
 * If your specially-designed weapon for slicing people open is used by a student, it's the perfect time to go on about how horrible his father was.
 * When you are told that some acts are so evil that doing it once result in life sentence in prison, they never mean it. Actually you can do it every single day, it's okay if you do it for greater good. And even if you do it for evil, it will be forgiven if you switch side at the last second.
 * It's better to leave a child in an abusive home than to run the risk that he'll grow up to be proud, spoiled, or egotistical.
 * Hey! A boy has a scar that gives him horrible pain? It's best to not remove it even if you knew how. Because your selfishness far outweighs a boy's comfort of not feeling like his own head is on fire and about to crack open from the inside.
 * Relationships that began when you were seventeen will always work out so that you are happy with plenty of children in twenty years. Also, your friends will never change, in fact it will be like the twenty years never happened except for said adorable kids.
 * Alternatively, if you're an author writing a Distant Finale, you better make sure your characters' friendships and romances don't break apart during the Time Skip or your fans will go apeshit and a coin a new term for your treachery of daring to give your characters further development off-screen.
 * You should never be afraid to underestimate your enemies. Being evil will strip them of the very last shred of reason, imagination and the ability to learn from their mistakes.
 * School bullies and his/her friends will never, ever, not even when their lives are in chronic peril by some homicidal loon, decide to do the right thing and help out. They'll always try to sell out the hero. Therefore, it's okay to kick them out of the school without a second thought.
 * Not liking the Chosen One either automatically makes you a bad person or will turn you into one, no matter how justified your dislike of him is.
 * On A Pale Horse don't shoot at The Grim Reaper unless you or your girlfriend have a Fetish for her getting kidnapped and having Electric Torture on her breasts.
 * The Lord of the Rings: The best strategy is to put a doomsday weapon where your enemy can capture it.
 * The Neverending Story: Give a fat, bullied geek muscles and good looks, and he will gradually turn into a megalomaniac warlord who won't stop at drawing swords against his best friend.
 * His imaginary best friend, when he stops admiring what for lack of a better word is his creator (or at least the reason for his existing in his first place).
 * Uller Uprising by H. Beam Piper: Native populations who don't immediately fuse their culture with yours must be crushed underfoot and, if possible, nuked.
 * The Fuzzy series: The natives don't stand a chance of surviving without help from us civilised folks.
 * Space Viking: it's OK to do horrible things to countless people, so long as you eventually begin grafting together a few measly trade agreements.
 * The Works of Piers Anthony (all of them): A man's word is his bond. Always. Once given, it is binding and inviolate. It doesn't matter if the Big Bad Evil Guy forced your promise at literal gunpoint, or blatantly lied to you about the circumstance of said promise. Keep your word at all times, even if the promise was given on your behalf before you were born by someone with neither legal nor moral right to do so in your society. Or suffer ill-defined, barely alluded-to consequences!
 * A woman is only as good as the man she's banging.
 * The natural state of man is Knuckle-dragging Rape-Brained Lout and only the noblest among us can control the impulse to become a Mr. Hyde-like Rape Monster.
 * Marriage is the only way to find happiness. Anyone who thinks they can find fulfillment in research on the nature of the world, doing important work for the benefit of pretty much everyone else, or living a pleasurable life of bachelorehood just needs to find the right person to find their significant other and then they can forget the whole thing and settle down to a life of wedded bliss.
 * It's perfectly okay for women to try and sexually molest men. Any man who tries to defend his personal space is a jerk.
 * There's nothing wrong with adult men banging barely pubescent girls.
 * Memoirs of a Geisha: If you see a little girl in trouble, arrange for her to become a glorified call girl. When she grows up, she'll be more than happy to repay you with hot lovin'!
 * The Giving Tree: if you really love someone, you should give them everything they ask of you without requesting anything in return - absolutely everything, right down to your whole existence. You should be happy to do this, even if they take everything from you, show not the smallest scrap of gratitude, and eventually leave you without glancing back, because eventually, when you have nothing left to give, they'll come back.
 * And on the other side of the coin: all your relationships are to be looted for all possible benifit. They are nothing but resources, even if they don't know it yet. Oh, but don't worry. They never, ever leave you and will always take you back
 * If your mummy doen`t give you anything you want, she doesn`t really love you!
 * The Dresden Files: Everything in the Fantasy Kitchen Sink is out to get you. Personally. It's probably for the best that you don't tell anyone about the dangers, they won't believe you anyway.
 * Even if they stole your girlfriend, attack royalty of another nation. If it's in the name of love, it's alright.
 * If someone threatens your family, you are perfectly justified in DESTROYING THEIR ENTIRE SPECIES.
 * You can make large-scale use of The Dark Side, and no one will care as long as it's cool enough.
 * Also, if a woman shows attraction for you, run. There's at least a 95% chance she's mind controlled and/or wants your soul.
 * Fight Club: Reactionary Masculism is the only cure for the consumerist malaise of The Nineties. Anyone who says differently gets castrated!
 * If you have a personality disorder, shooting yourself in the head will solve the problem.
 * The Sword of Truth series: if you come to believe in your own moral infallibility, you will at best become a frothing Knight Templar who cheerfully butchers pacifists. At worst, you'll wind up a Complete Monster.
 * Which is actually a pretty good Aesop, just not what the author intended.
 * He has a couple more really warped ones: organized sports, especially the general concept of athletes being treated as highly desirable sexual partners, are evil. Organized religion is evil. Pacifism is evil.
 * And Richard suffers from the whole "Magic Chosen One" thing listed above.
 * The Good Earth: If you have any ambitions above subsistence agriculture, you will inevitably become decadent and corrupt.
 * How To Teach Filthy Rich Girls: If it's the only way to get certain people to like and trust you, it's okay to lie about your entire life and identity as long as you plan to tell the truth once you succeed.
 * Animorphs: If thousands of enemy troops are lying defenseless, it's okay to massacre them!
 * Trials over war criminals (read: chiefs in command of the defeated side) are nothing but mockery.
 * Percy Jackson and The Olympians: If you feel neglected by your parents, you have every right to join forces with an evil dictator.
 * Artemis Fowl: Don't be afraid if you cheat an ancient race out of a metric ton of gold, everything will turn out alright in the end
 * It's ok to cut off limbs from people. They can be reattached, even if you don't do it, or the one who does it doesn't want to.
 * Your bodyguard can do anything. AT ALL
 * Magic's only good for making people do what you want and healing. Unless it's not yours
 * The Grapes of Wrath: All attempts at honest work are futile and will bring you nothing but misery.
 * Raymond Carver: A person is completely unable to form a meaningful connection with any other person, so don't bother trying.
 * Your life WILL SUCK.
 * He cheered up a bit in later years after he quit drinking.
 * Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: For the dead-poor, the best course of action is to devote all of one's scant money into lottery tickets.
 * Don Quixote: If you're nuts, you'll be the only person in the entire universe anyone remembers.
 * Jedi Academy Trilogy: No matter what a Complete Monster you are, Luke will forgive you.
 * Legacy of the Force: Shotacon means redemption.
 * Orlando: A Biography: If you ever find yourself in a situation where you spontaneously switch sexes for no apparent reason, you should just shrug it off and immediately get on with your life as if nothing had changed.
 * Codex Alera: All members of a democratic assembly are automatically delusional, Smug Snake Obstructive Bureaucrats.
 * Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Books are evil.
 * Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince: Especially books you can learn things from.
 * Death In Venice: That weird middle-aged man who watches and follows your incredibly attractive underage son around? Completely harmless. In fact, he’s actually concerned for your family’s well-being! Remember, he warned you about that encroaching cholera epidemic? There’s no need to alert the authorities!
 * Confessions of a Video Vixen: It's completly okay and reasonable for you to sleep your way to the top in the entertainment industry. Your just doing what it takes to advance your life/career/business whatever. If people dissagree they're either naive, unrealistic, or jealous of the success that you got from it. Things like cars, jewelry, money and job opportunities (that and the fact you got to sleep with tons of famous, powerful, celebs). In fact sleeping around is just another form of "networking".
 * Interestingly enough this is actually what some people got from the book.
 * Metamorphosis: Don't bother helping your struggling family. Chances are they really don't need your help after all and are just using you for convenience.
 * Your family's troubles are your fault. You should die so they'll finally be able to pick themselves up and make better lives for themselves.
 * Don't count on family or loved ones to help you in your time of need, especially if your appearance has been drastically altered. They'll lock you in your room and try to kill you if you leave.
 * Knowing Kafka, all of the above are intended Aesop, actually.
 * Nineteen Eighty-Four: Humans Are Bastards who will kick any number of dogs for a cause they believe is right; therefore, fear, hate and cruelty are the only rational ways to run society. Also, you can make anybody believe anything provided you torture them enough.
 * Life sucks get use to it or thought police will find you.
 * A Song of Ice and Fire: Women in the position of power are capable of any number of cruel and/or foolish things in the name of protecting their children. However, none of those things is actually going to prevent said children from dying in a cruel way.
 * Additionally, women in the position of power will somehow discover their latent bisexuality.
 * Treating your deformed dwarf of a son like something you found on your shoe will turn him into a good person. Probably.
 * If you have the temerity to be born attractive and/or to do well in life, you will invariably a disgustingly self-centered and evil individual.
 * Even if all you own is a patch of rocky ground with a shabby tower to live in, you can still hit it big and make it to the king's court. So long as you are a ruthless murderer and two-faced liar.
 * Shannara: A nuclear war will eventually lead to a fantasy world
 * 1632: Make sure you stock up on firearms and keep a local copy of wikipedia just in case you get transported into the Seventeenth Century.
 * The United Mine Workers of America are tougher then any Prince in Europe.
 * The Awakening: If you feel unhappy in your relationship, you shouldn't tell your husband. You should Wangst about it, have an affair, Wangst about it, have an affair with another guy, Wangst about how the first guy wants to run away with you, then kill yourself. Never mind that your children and husband are going to suffer for your actions, as long as you can go swimming, it's all good.
 * Brokeback Mountain: You shouldn't attempt to establish any meaningful commitment with your lover. If they ever ask about living with you, you should avoid the issue by having sex with them.
 * Jane Austen:
 * Pride and Prejudice: Breaking promises leads to Happily Ever After. ~ Elizabeth
 * No, it's that telling people not to get engaged is guaranteed to make sure they will. ~ Mr. Darcy
 * Emma: Shipping is evil.
 * Persuasion: Taking your friends' advice is always right... , regardless of the results, regardless of circumstances. Especially if you're a woman. ~ Anne Elliot
 * "The Gingerbread Man": If you're sentient and edible, you shouldn't try to avoid being eaten, because it's going to happen anyways.
 * Atlas Shrugged: If you're born to great wealth destroying your family business and behaving like a worthless playboy makes you a hero. Bonus points for pulling pranks that cause immense damage to innocent people and wipe out millions of dollars of railroad stock.
 * You can make more in industry by sucking up to government that you can by working honestly on the free market. And if you get enough regulations imposed on your honest competitors they'll all run away to a Hidden Elf Village leaving the market entirely to you.
 * If you're a woman, sex is only satisfying if the man violently rapes you.
 * Honor Harrington: Half blind women who talk to cats, think they are Horatio Hornblower and commit ghastly acts of violence are the mark of true civilization.
 * Lord of the Flies: Since Humans Are Bastards, creating a stable society is impossible.
 * Religion turns people into asthmatic murdering savages.
 * The Sneetches: If everybody got cosmetic surgery, the world would be a better place.
 * Belgariad: Compassion and kindness are for pussies. Don't try to help the Chosen One through his many crises involving family and the nature of his powers, just tell him not to be such a wimp and keep throwing him at new obstacles, that'll make him tough.
 * Oh, and lest we forget, forcing him into an arranged marriage with a spoilt, uptight bitch is perfectly all right! He'll just have to live with it.
 * The Elenium: Sure, trick the guy who raised you into marrying you- why not? It's not like he's got a real reason to object- if he does, just act depressed until he gives in.
 * The Redemption of Althalus: Nobody cares that your father was murdered and you have to work with his killer. It's not like your feelings matter when it comes to saving the world, and you think he's hot, so what's the problem?
 * Sigh... I am losing so much faith in David Eddings...
 * Coraline: You should be perfectly happy with whatever parents you have, even if they never have time for you, feed you with something barely eatable and then expect you not to disturb them when they are at home. At least they don't  Parental Neglect is not really a problem!
 * The Asian Saga: For white men living/working in Asia, Me Love You Long Time is their prerogative.
 * Of Mice and Men: Engaging in pleasant small talk with a woman while on the job will inevitably result in all of your and your friends' future dreams and goals being destroyed.
 * The Draka: Slavery works really well, and we should bring it back.
 * Africa has the potential to lead the world culturally, technologically, and militarily - just as long as they're controlled by white people.
 * Bridge to Terabithia: Be a coward. It'll save your life!
 * Gossip Magazines: It's perfectly fine to pry into people's private lives if they're famous.
 * Heidi: It's okay to destroy handicapped people's only means of support as a form of therapy.
 * McTeague: You have a deformed wife who wants to save money rather than spend it? Beat her to death with your bare fists! It's more than perfectly okay to do that!
 * It's also more than perfectly okay to run your family like a military and beat the ever living shit out of your youngest son because he started whining. Everyone else will either ignore your abusive behavior or actually condon and mimic it! To hell with the kid's emotional and mental welfare!
 * Matilda: You'd totally be able to do magic if you weren't too intellectually occupied learning things at school.
 * Earth's Children: Sexual compatibility equals true love.
 * Sherlock Holmes: Go on kids, take cocaine. It will totally turn you into an intellectual badass, equally adept at both deducing a man's entire life from the stain on his left sleeve and whomping people's asses in bar fights. Only downside - you may forget whether the sun revolves around the earth or vice versa.
 * More Values Dissonance than a warped aesop: Many folks of the era did consider cocaine in that way (see also: absinthe).
 * Enchantress From the Stars: A woman should never use her abilities against the enemy. Rather, she should teach those abilities to her Love Interest, then willfully put herself in Danger, so her Love Interest can save her with those abilities and win the day. Doing so will majke you a "Strong Female Charachter"