The Tourettes Guy/Funny

Oh, Bob Saget!

"Friend: How is it?
 * Eating at a friends house.

Danny: 's pretty good!

(Danny glances and shrugs to a picture)

Danny: Who's that faggot with tuba?

Friends: "THATS OUR DAD!" "DANNY!" "WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"

Danny: OH SHIT! SORRY!"

"Danny: There's some cereal right here.
 * Danny loves Total

Son: Ohh, thats Total... I don't really like that...

Danny: (beat) Don't talk shit about Total!"

"Phone rings.
 * Danny and phones.

Danny: Fashion bug.

Phone rings.

Danny: Fashion bug.

Phone rings.

Danny: I'd like to meet the motherfucker who named it Fashion Bug, and shove a broom up his ass!"

"Phone rings. Danny picks up the reciever.

Danny: Piss."

"Danny: Yes. I bought your Colgate Toothpaste. The one with tartar control. And it made me feel... like a PIECE OF SHIT! This is BULLSHIT!
 * The bit where Danny calls Colgate Toothpaste to complain:

(He gets put on hold, and "Every Breath You Take" - which was heavily sampled by Puff Daddy's "I'll Be Missing You" - starts to play)

Danny: I hope this is the Puff Daddy version of this song! NOT that Sting... piece of SHIT!!!

(Danny bobs his head to the music... pauses...)

Sting: Every breath you take...

Danny: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! DAMMIT! HOLY SHIT!"

"Danny: My son bought home some pickles from the cannery. I was wondering if I could store them at your place.
 * A conversation between Danny and one of his neighbors:

Neighbor: How many pickles are we talking about here?

Danny: It's about... thirty cases.

Neighbor: Thirty cases of pickles?! I-I don't know, my house is gonna smell like pickles!

Danny: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"


 * In one scene Danny takes a shower with Head and Shoulders and curses at the bottle here because it burns him.

"Danny: What's all the damn noise!
 * Danny hears a loud grinding noise coming from the kitchen. After walking into the kitchen while saying the word "shit" four times, he asks his son what's up:

Danny's son: It's the garbage disposal.

Danny: It sounds like Chewbacca taking a shit! (does a surprisingly good impression of the Chewbacca growl)

Danny's son: No it doesn't.

Danny: Yes it does!

Danny's son: No it doesn't!

Danny: Yes it does! (does another surprisingly good Chewbacca impression)

Danny's son: Shut up! (throws a blue sponge at Danny)

Danny: Aw, fuck you, you're grounded!

Danny's son: What for?!

Danny: Because you don't think the garbage disposal sounds like Chewbacca taking a shit, that's why! Now Go to Your Room!

Danny's son: Oh, shit.

Danny: What'd I tell you about saying that?!"

"Danny: WAIT A MINUTE YOU DICK!
 * While Danny is in the shower, his ex-wife Shirlena comes to visit. After she bangs on the door several times, this happens:

Shirlena: I don't have a dick, you prick!

Danny: Shirlena?.... AWWW SHIT!

(Later, they have an argument)

Danny: I have to live in this hell hole! All you ever do is stay at home, and play with your tits, and look at your ass at the same time!

(Danny walks away while doing an impression of this and making a "d'uuuuaaah" noise. Shirlena throws a bowl of cereal at him)

Danny:(nearly panicking) Ah! Oh Shit!

(Cuts to him on his hands and knees cleaning up the mess)

Shirlena: I'll kick you in the balls!

Danny: BITCH! (beat) I love you."

"Danny's son: Dad, you want some Twizzlers?
 * Two moments take place when Danny takes his son to a job interview in a bad neighborhood. The first occurs when Danny's son offers him some Twizzlers:

Danny: No!

Danny's son: Dad, they're really good!

Danny: NO!

Danny's son: Try some!

Danny: NO!

Danny's son: Dad, they're low-fat!

Danny: *pounds his fists on the desk* BUTT FUCK!

(A guy who was sleeping next to Danny the whole time wakes up, takes off his sunglasses, and gives him a rather unfriendly look. They then just sit and glare at each other.)"

"Janitor: Did you shit in the fuckin' toilet? Did you shit in the fuckin' toilet and put all the toilet paper in there?
 * Later, an absolutely furious janitor storms into the room wanting to fight Danny because Danny made a huge mess in the bathroom and caused the toilet to overflow:

Danny: That was a good shit!

Janitor: *throws chair at Danny* Bullshit!"

"Danny: Dick head!

Janitor: Oh, you wanna see a dick? You wanna see a big black dick?!"

"Janitor: He got a big 'ol horses ass on 'im.

Danny: FUCK HORSES!"

"Danny (while swaying around with a beer in his hand): We're gonna be out of the butt... and into the fuck... if we don't come up with that 36 dollars. *passes out on the floor*"
 * During the fight, Danny shouts, "You're a bitch!" and throws a newspaper page at the janitor's face. It's a hilariously poor choice of weapon, seeing as how the janitor is throwing chairs.
 * Danny owes money:

"Danny (looking at his presents): Where'd you get all this shit?
 * Danny's surprise birthday party:

Danny's son: We got it from Amazon!

Danny: Is that that big black woman you work with?

Danny's son: No, dad! Amazon.com!

Danny: Never heard of her."

"Danny: I love my grandma Jenelle. Sweetest woman in the whole world. BUT SHE'S OLD AS FUCK!"
 * Danny cussing out people on the phone is played over a clip from The Lion King so it sounds like the characters in the Lion King are saying what Danny's saying. "Big black woman with big tits, you can't miss her!" "I'm gonna take a piss and when I come back I'm gonna talk about the Mighty Duck movies."
 * Also, apparently something happens when Alex Trebek has a picture of a giraffe shoved in his ass during an earthquake.
 * Danny watching ALF on DVD talking to his Grandma Jenelle on the phone. "I'm watching the first season of ALF on DVD. Alf. ALF! You're 93 years old and you don't know what ALF is?!" *hangs up phone* "Piece of crap!"

"What do you mean "a bird"?!"
 * Danny's reaction to waking up to a giant M&M statue by his bed.
 * Danny carrying a hot casserole dish without oven mitts. When he gets back up after putting it down on the table, he hits his head on a chandelier. Leave room and cue Atomic F-Bomb!
 * Danny's son accidentally throws a paper towel at Danny's crotch. Luckily, it wasn't hard. ... The paper towel, not his dick.
 * That time there was a bird in the house.

"Shirlena: DANNY! ARE YOU LAUGHING?!
 * As his ex-wife tells him about her grandfather ended up lost and naked in a K-Mart due to Alzheimer's, Danny does his best to hold in his laughter. She finally notices him giggling:

Danny (laughing): AHAHAHA YOUR GRANDPA'S AN ASS!"

"Son: Dad, is that a Mickey Mouse T-shirt?
 * "When I die and go to﻿ heaven and see God, I'm gonna say, 'Shit!'"
 * After working in the attic, without his Tony the Tiger shirt.

Danny: What the fuck you talkin' about?

Son: Look, there's his face, and his ears there, look!

Danny: That's not Mickey Mouse, that's just TIT DIRT!"

"Son: Dad, can we get some of this movie theater butter popcorn?
 * Danny and son go shopping at a supermarket:

Danny: How much is it?

Son: Just two for five dollars.

Danny: Oh, what the hell. I guess so.

Son: You mean it? OH YES! (starts jumping up and down)

Danny: Calm down! Calm down! Don't get a big DICK!"

"Danny's dad: WHAT IS THIS?!?! *slams pot on table* 'Shitload of Mashed Potatoes Day'?! *leans in closer and screams in Danny's face* HUH?!"
 * Danny's dad has only appeared twice, but each appearance is absolutely hilarious.
 * On Thanksgiving Day, everybody was supposed to bring food... but almost everybody brought mashed potatoes. Danny's dad is not amused.

"Danny's dad: There's gotta be something else to eat in this damn house... aw hell, he's got some corn, some green beans, some oats, some saltines... *pulls out a box of Count Chocula cereal and pauses to look at it* What the hell's THIS shit?"
 * We then see Danny's dad rummaging around in a kitchen drawer.

FUCK SALT!