Censorship by Spelling



Whenever people (usually parents) want to discuss something they don't want anyone younger (or dumber) to know about, they will tend to spell it out because they figure that kids can't spell. Usually Played for Laughs, and is Truth in Television.

This can also be done with animals (e. g., mentioning a C-A-T within earshot of the dog).

Commercials

 * An old McDonald's commercial had the parents spelling out ideas to each other of where to go next. Their daughter suddenly suggests McDonald's. As it dawns on the parents that she understood everything they'd just said, the daughter then adds, "Oops, I mean M-C-D-O-N-A-L-D-S."

Film -- Animated
"Alice: I was sitting on the riverbank with uh..you know who.
 * In Disney's Alice in Wonderland, while trying to avoid the C word which causes the Dormouse to go berserk.

The Mad Hatter: I do? (chuckles)

Alice: I mean my C-A-T.

The Mad Hatter: TEEAA!?"

"Gurgle: Whatever you do, don't mention D-A-R...
 * Finding Nemo:

Nemo: It's okay, I know who you're talking about."

""It's all the fault of that little F-R-E-A-K.""
 * In 101 Dalmatians, Pongo suggests getting the puppies to bed so he and Perdita can go out on a W-A-L-K. While not explicitly stated whether the puppies do know how to spell, a couple of them do beg to stay up and join their parents on the walk.
 * "Wow, just take a look at those E-A-R-S..."
 * "Ears!"
 * And then, a little bit later...

Film -- Live-Action
"Rodrick: Does he know about the D-O-R-E?
 * Played with in Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules. Greg and Rodrick changed the door to their bathroom to conceal the fact they had a party while their parents were gone and are trying to keep them from noticing.

Greg: Huh?"

"Sid: How do you spell holiday? Johnny: S-H-I-T Sid: Dear Mum, having a lovely… SHIT! (He laughs)"
 * Done a bit more literally than usually in The Goonies by Data, who "cusses", "Holy S-H-I-T!" He didn't want to swear in the film for his parents' sakes.
 * In  Sid and Nancy, Sid asks Johnny to spell holiday as he was writing to his mom, leading to this moment.

Jokes

 * Subverted in a certain blonde joke, with the punchline, "Honey, why don't we send the kids up to P-L-A-Y so we can go fuck!"

Literature

 * Inverted in Henry and Ramona. Henry Huggins has no idea what Ramona means when she hears everyone talking about "PTA" and insists that she wants some. Beezus figures out that Ramona thinks that they're spelling out something tasty, like "c-o-o-k-i-e-s" or "c-a-n-d-y". This leads to them having to buy a snack for Ramona and telling her that it's PTA.

Live Action TV
"Earl: I have to tell him (Darnell).
 * In My Name Is Earl when Earl sleeps with Joy, Joy and Earl have this conversation in front of Earl Jr.

Joy: Like H-E-double-L you do.

Earl: I can't live like this Joy, he needs to know we....H-A-D sex together.

Joy: That is B-U-double-L honkey!"

"Hotch: He's just trying to make you angry.
 * Played for Drama in Criminal Minds episode "100". Hotch is on the phone with his wife Haley after learning that she and their son Jack are held in hostage by.


 * Well she should be! She's gonna (covers Jack's ears and lowers his voice) D-I-E because of your inflated ego!"

"Hurley: *glances at Walt* But what about the B-O-D-Y-S?
 * From Lost:

Michael: What are you trying to spell man, bodies?

Walt: B-O-D-I-E-S."

"Joey (after walking into Monica and Chandler's apartment and hearing them having sex instead of babysitting Emma): You can't have S-E-X when you're looking after a B-A-B-I-E!"
 * From Friends:

"Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?
 * Famously in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, When She Was Bad:

Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.

Xander: ...A bitca?"

"Girl: I'm having my P-E-R-I-O-D.
 * There's an example in one of The Comic Strip Presents episodes, possibly "The Beat Generation".

Boy: Pernod?"

"Castle: She can spell, Detective.
 * Sybil in Fawlty Towers says they might have to put Manuel's rat 'to S-L-E-E-P,' to which Manuel responds, 'Spleep?'
 * Lampshaded on Castle when Esposito, nervously looking at Alexis who happens to be in the squad room, spells out B-I-T-C-H (in reference to another person). Alexis and her father give each other a disgusted look.

Ryan: Probably better than you!"

"Cat: When's the last time you took a bath?
 * Played with in the Red Dwarf episode "Parallel Universe", where it turns out that the Cat's alternate-universe counterpart is a Dog:

Dog: Oh, please, don't say that word!

Cat: What, "bath?"

Dog: You said it again. Now listen up: if you're gonna say that word in front of me, please, spell it.

Cat: When's the last time you took a B-A-T-H?

Dog: ... what's that?"

"The Doctor: Leela, I think you and I should take a-- a W-A-L-K.
 * This exchange from the classic Doctor Who serial The Sun Makers:

Leela: A W-A-L-K...?

The Doctor: Wuh-Ah-Ll-K!

K-9: Walk, mistress."

"Dick: Dr. Albright has already RSVP'd.
 * Played with on 3rd Rock from the Sun:

Harry: You said you'd stop spelling in front of me."


 * In one episode of Frasier, Martin tries to keep Eddie from running every time the word "vet" is mentioned by invoking this trope. It doesn't work.

Magazines
"Mother: I-M W-O-R-R-I-E-D T-H-A-T H-E M-A-Y B-E S-T-U-N-T-E-D I-N-T-E-L-L-E-C-T-U-A-L-Y.
 * A Mad Magazine "Lighter Side Of" strip had the parents talking about their son's bad report card in front of him; the mother was relucant but the father said "just spell it." So they had a conversation, which ended with:

Son: That's I-N-T-E-L-L-E-C-T-U-A-L-L-Y!"

Music
"His Q.U.A.R.A.N.T.I.N.E starts today,
 * Tammy Wynette's song "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" is about a woman talking about her divorce in front of her 4 year old son.
 * Billy Connolly's parody version of "D.I.V.O.R.C.E" is about his dog.

Because he bit the V.E.T. and then he ran away.

He caused me and my wife to have a big fight, and then, both of them bit me.

And that's why I am gonna get a D.I.V.O.R.C.E."

"Hey D-A-D-D-Y, I saw M-A-M-A cry
 * Similarly to the Tammy Wynette example, "What Will You Do with M-E?" by Western Flyer:

Say you're not going away

Is it because of me? Have I been B-A-D?

Please, daddy, please, won't you stay?

'Cause if you leave, what will you do with M-E?"


 * Britney Spears tried to get crap past the radar with her Double Entendre-laden song "If U Seek Amy", which contains the line "All of the boys and all of the girls are beggin' to If U Seek Amy." . Unfortunately, the parents did figure it out, it became a big deal (on FOX News), and most radio stations in both America and the UK do have the song edited to either remove the "eek" in "seek" (making it "If you see Amy," which, in the context of the song, makes no sense whatsoever) or get rid of the "If You" and the "eek" part in "seek" to make the song about seeing a girl named Amy).
 * The Bloodhound gang opted for the Military Alphabet in their song “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo”… even Ed the Sock noticed this as childish attempt as a radar pass.

Newspaper Comics
"Jon: I know a place with a great B-U-F-F-E-T.
 * Jon tried to do this in a Garfield strip while on the phone with Liz, only for it to backfire:

Garfield: Make it a table for T-H-R-E-E."

"Pogo: I'm gone make the lil' pup dog some P-U-D-D-I-N-G for his S-U-P-P-E-R.
 * In one Pogo strip, Pogo tries to use it to talk to Albert without the puppy they're taking care of understanding. Unfortunately, Albert doesn't quite get it...

Albert: Uh-huh... Well... Hmm... Yes... Um... P-D-Q-R-S-V-P? Um... Well... Indeed..."

Puppet Shows
"Fran: I don't want to argue in front of the B-A-B-Y.
 * In Dinosaurs:

Earl: Well I'm not chaning another D-A-I..no wait..D-I-A (continually spells it wrong)

(which leads to the page image)"

Stand Up Comedy
"Wife: Don't tell anyone about the I-C-E C-R-E-A-M!
 * Jasper Carrott did a joke about how parents tend to use this long after it has ceased to be useful - "You've left your C-O-N-D-O-M on the P-A-T-I-O", "Mum! What's a patio?"
 * Comedian Jim Gaffigan has a bit about this. "I always feel dumb. It doesn't help that my wife spells everything in front of the kids":

Jim Gaffigan: (Beat)...who's in the emergency room? And why do I want a dilly bar?"


 * Josh Blue has a bit about how his parents used to do this around him well into his twenties. The punchline was that he still didn't know what they were talking about.

Web Original
"Pear: Don't mention the K-N-I-F-E.
 * In The Annoying Orange episode, "The Microwave Effect":

Orange: The Kanifee? What's a Kanifee?

Apple: That's knife you idiot. He's not suppose to mention the... wait a second, I'm gonna get knifed!?"

"Diabetus: See, what you need is the T-R-E-A-T beam.
 * Slowbeef

Slowbeef: The tit beam?"

Western Animation
"Marge: I'm going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
 * In The Simpsons episode "Don't Fear the Roofer".

Santa's Little Helper: ?

Marge: Then I'm going to take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.

Bart: Huh?

Marge: Uh...I'll tell you what it means when it's over."

"Maude Flanders: We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
 * Also this call back to Krusty's illiteracy.

Krusty: The Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down."

"Cosmo: What? Doctor? I thought she was spelling plumber. It's worse then I thought!"
 * In Fairly Oddparents Wanda tries to take Cosmo to the D-O-C-T-O-R.

"We need to give Beethoven a B-A-T-H.
 * A non-child version occurs in the Beethoven the Animated Series.

(Beethoven hears this and runs out of the house)

Okay, who's been teaching the dog to spell?"

"Becky: Bye Mom, bye Dad...bye T-jerk
 * A mild example from Arthur, when Arthur casually tells a friend that someone "lost her P-E-N" while D.W. is in earshot. D.W. then complains about Arthur doing this, since she can't spell yet.
 * Occurs in Recess: School's Out. The scene starts at breakfast, where T.J. is brokenhearted about being alone that summer without his friends, who were all at camp. His sister comes down, and this is when it occurs:

Mrs. Detweiler: Now Becky, I want you to be nice to your brother; he's feeling S-A-D right now.

T.J.: I can spell, Mom."

"Toki: Maybe he needs to go to the...B-A-S-T-H-R-O-M-N-S-E."
 * Metalocalypse has one made funnier by the fact that Toki's English is atrocious:

Real Life

 * This can be extended to different things, such as secret communication. For example, "cat" could be described by drawing a cookie, an apple, then a trophy. As expected, this can also be used as a means of cheating at games such as Pictionary.