The Life of the Legendaries

""Yeah, bestial, lesbian Garchomp sex. Reeaaal tasteful.""

- Jupiter, watching Mars watch a porno VR of Cynthia and Garchomp doing BDSM stuff together

Think you know what the legendary Pokémon are like when they're not out busy trying to save the world? Think again.

The Life of the Legendaries is a Pokémon fanfic written by Jakayrta on Fan Fiction.net, known as Drakon Pentacarbonyl Drakon on the Bulbagarden forums. It details the story of all the legendary Pokémon, as they would be if they were to live all together in the Hall of Origins.

They seem to live much like a bunch of college students, really.

The fic is here: on FanFiction.net

This work contains examples of:

 * Abuse Is Okay When It Is Female On Male - not really abuse, but Latias played that prank on Latios with the diaper and everything.
 * Action Girl - Cynthia is not afraid to get physical when things call for it. In more ways than one.
 * Adult Child - Jirachi, Mew and Celebi are quite immature for Legendaries.
 * Airship Girl - Infi, the AI unit on Zero's airship, the Megarig, manifests as a young woman with clothing and hair based on the infinity symbol.
 * Authority Equals Asskicking - Cynthia is the Sinnoh League champion and can kick the ass of pretty much anyone with her Pokémon or her bare hands.
 * Author Appeal - The only way to explain why there are many scenes of Lugia in a diaper.
 * And the Technology Porn.
 * Brother-Sister Incest - Not quite incest but Latios and Latias tend to make out with each other a lot.
 * Cerebus Syndrome - After the first eight or so chapters, the fic starts getting really dark, as the legendaries prepare for some sort of war. It doesn't stop being funny, though.
 * Cool Airship - The Hikokyu II and the Megarig definitely count.
 * Cool Plane - The Origin Fighter counts.
 * Costume Porn - Hinted at in Chapter 13, where Cynthia laments about not being able to buy a very expensive Garchomp costume.
 * Actually expressed in Chapter 15, where Cynthia finally gets her hands on that costume (even if it is just a rental), and the final scene of that chapter is two Garchomp making out.
 * Crack Fic - The very reason this fic exists. Anybody who manages to read to the end of Chapter 13 and not think that it is a crackfic is probably on crack themselves.
 * Cyberpunk Is Techno - A nightclub in Tenebrae City (known as Club Giaru) plays techno music and techno music only.
 * Cyberpunk with a Chance of Rain - Tenebrae City (the Cyberpunk city set in the Pokémon Mystery Dungeon world) is always foggy or rainy.
 * Cyborg - The Ampharos bartender in Club Giaru. And Monazite, the cyborg Sableye.
 * Deflector Shields - Military vessels and Pokémon stadiums and battle arenas have them to protect against Pokémon attacks.
 * Description Porn - The 2021-series costumes, when they finally do appear, are much better technically explained than in Generation 2021, the fic upon which they are based.
 * Dirty Old Man - CHARON.
 * Dude Looks Like a Lady - Reshiram (a male) is mistaken for a female by Lugia.
 * Flare Gun - The captain of a ferry shoots a flare at Jessie and James when they try to to hijack his ship.
 * Full-Frontal Assault - Noland ends up fighting two naked grunts in hand-to-hand combat aboard the Hikokyu II. Granted, he did steal their clothes beforehand so he could sneak by security.
 * Gadgeteer Genius - Mewtwo is pretty good when it comes to inventing stuff.
 * Groin Attack - Cynthia attempts to rip off a Galactic grunt's genitals after he tried to rape her.
 * Groudon also takes a Hydro Pump to the crotch as well.
 * Riley's Lucario got his balls crushed when he ended up grappling with a Galactic grunt.
 * Noland crushes a Galactic grunt's nuts when he is placed in a chokehold by said grunt.
 * The Gunslinger - Johnny Mac is the only member of the heroic group who uses firearms.
 * Heroes Prefer Swords - Palkia's main weapon is his spacial sword.
 * Interspecies Romance - Cynthia and her Garchomp - first appearing as such in the in-fic movie, Champ-Chomp IV. This story singlehandedly sparked an alternate name for the Cynthia/Garchomp ship, known as ChampChompShipping ("officially" known as SignatureShipping).
 * Jerkass - Shaymin, and to a lesser extent, Mew.
 * Kinetic Weapons Are Just Better - Firearms are seen as a perfectly viable alternative to Pokémon.
 * The Ladette - is like this.  drinks a lot of beer and is crude and rude.
 * Laser Blade - Palkia's Spacial Rend manifests as a glowing pink sword.
 * Psycho Cut can also manifests in this form.
 * Macross Missile Massacre - The Hikokyu II attacks with AGM-82 "Onidrill" radar guided missiles.
 * Magnetic Weapons - the Unova class gun cruiser Shandara mounts an eight inch railgun.
 * Mons - duh.
 * My Nayme Is - The names of the various navy ships are warped spellings of Pokémon names
 * Aircraft carrier - UNV Sazandra (Sazandora)
 * Gun cruiser - UNV Shandara (Shandera)
 * Destroyer - HNS Gardvior (Gardevoir)
 * Battleship - HNS Craydaunt (Crawdaunt)
 * Missile cruiser - SCNV Saedra (Seadra)
 * Attack submarine - SCNV Draconite (Dragonite)
 * Nanomachines - The self-repair mechanism on the Hikokyu II uses this.
 * Nice Hat - Cynthia's Garchomp also has a fedora exactly like the one Indiana Jones wears.
 * No Indoor Voice - DIALGA, REGIGIGAS AND PALKIA. THEY ALWAYS TALK IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS. Except that Palkia can shrink himself down to a smaller form that has a softer voice.
 * Olympus Mons - the eponymous Legendaries
 * Point Defenseless - Averted. The 20 mm gatling autocannons on the Hikokyu II are capable of fending off most threats.
 * Potty Failure - Latios has this happen to him due to Darkrai making him have a nightmare of Latias chaining him to his bed and spanking him with a spatula while the other Legendaries watch.
 * Powered Armor - not directly used, but the Garchomp costume that Cynthia so badly wants allows the wearer to basically function as a Pokémon inside the costume. It is known as the "2021" brand from "Zekurom Industries", a Shout-Out to the title and author of another fic, Generation 2021, in which costumes of the exact same variety exist.
 * Celebi wears protective armor when fighting off poachers.
 * Power Perversion Potential - A cosplayer in a Gardevoir costume uses the costume's psychic powers to remove a waitress's dress in a hotel restaurant
 * Private Military Contractors - Silph Co. is explicitly described as a Pokémon technology and private military company,
 * Psychic Powers - Johnny Mac has psychic powers.
 * Reference Overdosed - Chapter 14 is just full of this - Jakayrta makes references left and right to users on Bulbagarden.
 * Samus Is a Girl - and Garchomp are both female.
 * Spy Catsuit - The undersuits for the Pokémon costumes are form fitting tight black jumpsuits.
 * Statuesque Stunner - Cynthia stands at six feet even and she seems to magnetically attract men.
 * The Stoner - Shaymin and her gracidea.
 * Technology Porn - A little bit, especially with regards to military tech.
 * Not to mention the VR's that play literal porn. This kind of VR is even used as a torture device for the legendaries that are captured on the Hikokyu II - and Entei gets the butt of it.
 * Wham! Line: "Welcome to Team Galactic, "
 * Whip It Good - Cynthia's Garchomp has a whip.