Horrible Fanfic U-Z


 * A Very Alternate Yule Ball(Alternate link) (rape, explicit sex, slash)
 * Fandom: Harry Potter
 * Pairings: Viktor Krum/Cedric Diggory. The slash is just a subplot.
 * Synopsis: Viktor Krum tells the story, many years after the fact, of his brief acquaintance with the great Hermione Jane Granger, leading up to that famous Yule Ball in which Hermione defeats Ron in a wizard's duel, turns into the Dark Lady Jane, and gets expelled from Hogwarts. They met when Viktor is having sex with Cedric Diggory in the library and then asks them why they didn't set up proximity charms. She doesn't approve of it -- the sticky stuff is bad for the books -- but she doesn't report them, either. They remain friends despite Hermione, even before becoming the Dark Lady Jane, being decidedly an unfriendly type. Victor accompanies Hermione to the Yule Ball after they have negotiated a contract. She challenges Ron to a duel there, for reasons unclear; for some reason, Dumbledore is not able to stop the duel. (Flitwick officiates.) Since the victory condition is disarming the opponent, Hermione could've won this duel fast even given the deliberate ignorance of Expelliarmus; but she elects to give Ron a Humiliation Conga instead, including tying him up with his own magically stretched manhood. There is a rule against permanent physical harm, which may or may not have been broken, but there is no rule against permanent psychological harm. She is expelled immediately afterwards, but even that gets treated like a moral victory.
 * Comments: That "Dark Lady Jane" bit is a Take That directed at JK Rowling herself, who once said Hermione's middle name was "Jane"; it turned out to be "Jean". That happened right about the time Hermione's rabid fans think the series started going downhill.
 * Check out the authour's response: he doesn't even bother to apologize to what happened to Ron, and says there's a double standard (You Keep Using That Word) in play because no one complained about Harry, in another story, shoving a sharpened broomstick up Ron's bum until it reached his heart. You can clearly see people complaining about it in the story's entry....
 * Mere words alone cannot describe just how horrible this... thing... is. Any other fanfic writer would have focused on how Hermione basically grows up to become an equal-opportunities version of Lord Voldemort, but no.


 * The "Wolf" Series (MST of "Hang On, Batty!" here; MST of "An Old Friend" here)
 * Fandom: Rescue Rangers
 * Comments: Somehow, Wolf can not only build and use functional miniature F-14s and ammo, he can install them along with a massive hangar in less than a day. In a tree. When all the canon inventor Gadget can make is a rough blimp with a balloon. And he's basically a sized-down version of Wolverine. Exhibits all the same Rouge Angles of Satin, lack of consistency, and general unreadability as The Rangers of NIMH, and more. The worst part is that the author was killed in a car accident shortly after the last story, and so it's hard to justify making fun of him. (The above MST admits, "Perhaps the only way I can atone for MSTing a deceased author is that between my riffs, you still read one of his works.")
 * Somewhere between Hilarious in Hindsight and the normal Funny Aneurysm Moment - in the above MST of "Hang On, Batty", Jonathan Brisby appears and refers to "The Rangers of N.I.M.H." (see above) as "An early work by a growing author". The aneurysm kicks in when you realize that the "growing author" would have to be David Gonterman.

Important Note: Merely being offensive in its subject matter is not enough to justify a work as So Bad It's Horrible. Hard as it is to imagine at times, there is a market for all types of deviancy (no matter how small a niche it is). It has to fail to appeal even to that niche to qualify as this. Any descriptions that fail to imply anything but offensiveness will be deleted.
 * You're My Nymphetamine Fix
 * Fandom: Harry Potter Self-Insert Fic
 * Comments: Appropriate capitalization, punctuation, indentation, and use (and existence) of commas and apostrophes is rare; so is correct grammar and spelling. The existence of a plot is dubious.


 * Yuffie Pays the price. "Dramatic reading" here. (Sadism, Character Death, Misogyny, Urination, Character Derailment, Moral Event Horizon Crossing.)
 * Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
 * Synopsis: After Yuffie tries to steal the party's materia, Cloud binds her wrists and ankles, shoves a ball gag in her mouth, and lynches her. The rest of the party laughs as she slowly chokes to death in graphic detail. Cloud "pawns off the party's useless materia on her so at least she'd be a glorified treasure chest to whoever found her." Then she pisses herself and dies.
 * Comments: Cloud and the party get their characters derailed and are sent flying over the Moral Event Horizon. That the descriptions of Yuffie's death is a Tear Jerker, is allmost certianly accidental; the author makes repeated comments about how Yuffie is useless, case in point "for a ninja wannabe Yuffie was sorely lacking in clever tricks". It is unclear weather the writer meant it to be a Take That against Yuffie, or as some sick kind of "sexyfic", but either way it's disgusting.
 * Judging by the rest of darthwoo's gallery, it is more of the latter...