Scrubs/Funny

"Dr. Kelso: (thinking) The Iraq War... that's just the kind of political hot potato that could cause divisions amongst the employees. Quick, change the subject to something less controversial! (Out loud) So, I hear Pluto's not a planet any more, what's up with that?"
 * The musical episode.
 * During the musical episode, the line "Dead Guys!" in Welcome to Sacred Heart, complete with Doug waving a dead guy's hand, is This Troper's favourite.
 * [Singing] "Oh my god. IM CRAZY!"
 * I have a soft spot for this scene in the episode where Dr. Kelso narrates and has to deal with an Iraq war vet:

"Kelso: Every mother wanted me to marry her daughter because I was a doctor. And I used that to sleep with all the mothers, because that's what house call used to mean.
 * Season 2 has some I can think of:
 * Three words: Wild, uncontrollable urination.
 * Two words: Chocolate King.
 * Really, most of J.D.'s Imagine Spots.
 * Doctor Cox, correcting Carla to the tune of Westminster Chimes: "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!"
 * This exchange from season 4 really got me. Drs. Cox and Kelso are reminiscing about when doctors were respected and treated as heroes, leading to this:

Cox: Those were the good old incredibly disturbing days Bob."

"Janitor: I think it's time that you knew the real me. Alright, here we go. I'm not like normal people. I don't have superpowers. But I'm working on it, for instance, watch me move this pen. (Eyes a pen on the counter and concentrates as Lady looks on confused and nothing happens) It worked at home, I dunno, maybe my table is slanted. Um, anyway, uh, in my spare time I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a, uh, badger will hold five squirrels, a squirrel will hold most of a cat, a mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get the idea; Circle of Life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. It's just the back of the sun.
 * "Turk, we already played Giant Black Doctor. You remember what happened. People ran."
 * The Janitor confessing his crazy to his girlfriend Lady. It's especially awesome because Neil Flynn (Janitor's actor) improvised the whole thing.

Dr. Kelso: (watching) Ha! I love a good trainwreck!"

"Dr. Kelso: So what do you think?
 * Betrayal Five and the whole sequence that proceeds it.
 * "Fork! Me can't eat soup! NYAAAARGH!"
 * "Box of kittens, STAT!"
 * "Side effects of kittens include hairballs, tiny scratches, and erectile disfunction."
 * From the series finale: "Hooch is crazy!"
 * The episode "My Office" involves a patient with a light bulb stuck in his ass.

Dr. Cox: Well, Bob, either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea."

"Turk: Dude! Relax! And enjoy hot chocolate love...*music starts up as Turk advances*
 * The entire 'Gay Jungle Fever' sequence.

J.D.: Snap out of it! Abort! Abort! *Comes out of the 'Imgine Spot' flaling around* Stop it, I don't have Gay Jungle Fever!"

"Turk: (to Elliot, seeing a patient's wife coming to ask for an explanation) Alright, first one to chug their slushie, is off the hook. C'mon, here we go! *chugs* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH BRAINFREEZE!!
 * This sequence from My Way or the Highway:

Mrs. Piel: Why is my husband being discharged?

Elliot: Look, Mrs. Piel we really can't--

Turk: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH SO COOLLD!!!"

"Dr. Cox: Y'know what I hate most about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
 * When J.D. discovers that he has a medical condition that will cause him to lose conciousness when he poops...after sneaking into his neighbor's house to do just that.
 * "KNIFE WREEEEEENCH! For kids!"
 * For this troper, the CMOF of Scrubs would either be the bit with all the janitors coming out of one van, alal a clown car or it could be the Hospital-wide Mexican wave. Check it out!
 * Touche, magic hallway.
 * "Oh my God.... I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time, I'm.... I'm gavomiting!"
 * By the by... this moment is so great... I'd cheat on that other moment from before... marry this moment and raise a family of tiny little moments.
 * Payback is a bitch.
 * "I'll keel you bitches!!!"
 * Dr. Kelso encounters Dr. Cox's son.
 * The rare J.D. rant from "My TCW" in season two. Doesn't get much better.
 * Dr. Cox and Janitor becoming friends at a bar and this little exchange happens:

Janitor: Oh, that's my fault. I've been filling his shampoo bottle with dog sweat.

Dr. Cox: Dogs don't sweat.

Janitor: Then what the hell am I putting in there?"

"JD's inner monologue: He knows your lying face, but silence can be just as incriminating. Quick, what's the difference between silence and talking?
 * JD's attempt to click his heels together when he's singing about how his interns respect and fear him. Words cannot do it justice. Therefore, watch for yourself.
 * JD's "The More You Know" imagine spot.
 * Dr. Cox hurting his back in "My Friend the Doctor". Just...every single scene of it.
 * I can be your hero, baby.
 * Dr. Kelso losing his hearing and the staff's reaction to it.
 * Dr. Cox's reaction to not impregnating Jordan like he feared. This troper was in tears from laughter because she's pretty sure most men internally do that after a pregnancy scare.
 * Every single scene from "My Unicorn" starring Matthew Perry. Mostly because Perry wrote and directed it himself.
 * "MURRAY!" "WHAT?"
 * Two words: Dr. Acula.
 * Carla and Turk's argument about things Turk can't do since she's pregnant. Turk's facial expressions may cause sides to split.
 * The Irish "brother".
 * Turk explaining to Dr. Cox on how to get his intern to like him. Cox's reaction is unbelievably funny.
 * JD eating Turk's "special brownies". Easily one of the best JD moments ever.
 * JD trying to avoid admitting kissing Carla to Turk. JD's face during his "response" may be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

JD: Bllgl. Nnnnnnn..."

"Mr. Taylor: Should I be worried about the old ticker?
 * This:

JD: Oh, Mr. Taylor, let me worry about that. *thinking* OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA DIE!!!"

"JD: Your ex wife! She's the answer.
 * Personal favorite because of Dr. Cox's reaction:

Dr. Cox: Uh, things that ruined my life, things that took half my stuff, things with sharp edges!"

"Drew: How could this be any worse?
 * "Drill-fork it's a drill and foooork! Mostly fork!"
 * I was starting to get worried that, while the 9th season looked promising, the new lead just wasn't nearly as funny as J.D, not to mention I dearly missed those wacky Imagine Spots. Then comes this exchange from 9x07:


 * Cut to an Imagine Spot of Lucy, who's nearby. She's reading a newspaper and sobbing*

Lucy: *sniff* Scientists taught horses to talk, and it turns out because we've ridden them all these years, THEY DON'T LIKE HUMANS!


 * She shows Drew the headline, which read: "Horses Hate People...But Still Love Carrots"*

Lucy: (After the Imagine Spot was over) Ohhh, I don't want to think about it."

"Janitor: By the way, your number isn't "CALL TURK", it's "CALL TUR". It'd be easier if your name was "Cal Turk".
 * Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor.
 * The out of body experience daydream JD has after Dani wants to move in with him. JD snaps out of saying "I wanted to put them on my fingers and pretend I had witch nails." Cut to Turk, witch laughing with those junk food things on his fingers. Somebody please fill in the name of them.
 * Those would be Bugles.
 * "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!?!"
 * This video. Just this video. Especially at 2:03. You WILL wet your pants.
 * This clip featuring Jordan competing with Julie Keaton (played by Heather Locklear) over Dr. Cox. It wouldn't have been quite as funny without "Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough" by New Radicals, or the classic Record Needle Scratch at the end.
 * This troper laughs at this scene every time, it's just JD's expression at the end.
 * After the Janitor points out that "CALL-TURK" is eight numbers, and thus not good applicable to be a phone number:

Turk: There's nobody named "Cal Turk".

[Turk has an Imagine Spot where he's in white-face in an office]

White!Turk: Cal Turk here! We don't sell insurance, we sell peace of mind. But only to white people. [winks to his clients] Would you like some milk?"

"JD: So he's dead?
 * After another of JD's patients dies:

Dr. Kelso: I hope so, otherwise that autopsy's gonna be a bitch."

"Jordan: (smiling sweetly as she leaves) Hurry home so you can ignore your son and not do your share!
 * Ted's reaction to : He screams "OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN" and leaps back into a plant. Kelso just smiles and says "Still got it."
 * The episode where Dr. Cox and Jordan find out they are technically still married. Especially these lines:

Dr. Cox: (smiles and waves) You make me wanna kill myself and everyone around me!"

"Ted: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you ex-husband and wife. You may now do whatever the hell you want!
 * And then towards the end of the episode:

Jordan: I've never been so happy. (She kisses Dr. Cox)

Carla: (holding their son Jack) You have no chance of being normal.

JD: Not at all."

"Turk's Narration: Oh my god she's in my head! It's alright... use it to your advantage. Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman.
 * "OH YEAH! SUCK IT BITCH. I WILL MURDER YOU." Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome, when you look at who's talking.
 * Turk thinking that Carla can read his mind.

Carla: Make it yourself."

"Dr. Kelso: (talking to a patient's relatives) We did everything we could do for your mom, but sometimes life just... (hears boobie horn) Gotta go, boobie horn."
 * After a lot of confusion and running, Turk reunites with JD after his honeymoon.
 * The boobie horn scene.

"Jordan: Oh...he called you his 'girlfriend'. I think it's time to gather up your tiny panties because...you're done here."
 * The episode "My Fruit Cups" is chock full of hilarious moments:
 * Jordan's very pregnant arrival to Dr. Cox's apartment inspired this comment to Julie, his current girlfriend:

"JD: Maybe it's because I told them you smoke the gonja!
 * "Oh, Perry's gonna get some loooovin'! Oh, Perry's gonna get some loooovin!"
 * JD's crying daydream after Dr. Cox congratulates him on good work. "I'm just so HAPPY!"
 * How JD gets Turk out of his moonlighting job:

Turk: WHAT?! That's not even true! You're a jackass! (he starts walking away)

JD: Where you going? Munchies?"

"Elliot: We must have looked at a dozen girl's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo...I can't even look at my own bajingo.
 * Elliot's reaction to the Gynecology girls' offer:

Carla: Is that because it looks so much like a vagina?

Elliot: (spittakes) Carla, there's people!"

"Janitor: Yeah, we got him. And he's gonna pay.
 * JD trying to exonerate himself from the recent thefts in the hospital:

JD: They're actually arresting a guy for stealing pudding and toilet paper?

Janitor: Nah, they found 20 bottles of Vicodin in his backpack. (Beat) Did you steal pudding and toilet paper?

JD: (flustered) No, I hate pudding and I don't use (realising where he's accidentally steered this sentence) ...toilet paper.

Janitor: (taken aback look)

JD: I, er, have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt...

Janitor: A bidet?

JD: A bi-day to you, sir. (leaves)"

"Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. You know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling, but I don't find them half as annoying as I do bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.
 * Dr. Molly Clock (played by Heather Graham, no less) in general, but this troper especially loves her little food song: "Oh, chicken salad! You are so tasty! You're food! To be eaten, it's good!"
 * Dr. Cox's reaction to her is hysterical:

Molly: (rubs Dr. Cox's stomach) I'm touching your creamy center! (walks away)

Dr. Cox: Oh...I am...so very angry that I am going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.

JD: (behind him, slowly backs away with a petrified look on his face)"

"Molly: Okay, don't push me because one of the reasons I became a doctor was because I can zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
 * After Molly and Elliot have a fight over an ethics committee decision:

Elliot: Ooh, scary, Molly! Whatcha gonna do--

Molly: Eyebrows. (walks away)

JD: (watching) Eyebrows? Like that's gonna make you--

Elliot: (sobbing, mascara running)

JD: Elliot, c'mon, you can't be that insecure!

Elliot: Giant Adam's apple!

JD: (lip quiver, voice cracks) I have to go. (flees)"

"Carla: Like, what if we have a daughter and she wants to get her ears pierced?
 * From My Day at the Races: Carla and Turk discuss raising children:

Turk: Irrelevant. We're not having a daughter.

Carla: Okay, what if we have a son and he wants to take dance classes while all his friends are playing football?

Turk: He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind... BECAUSE HIS FRIENDS DON'T DANCE AND IF THEY DON'T DANCE THEN THEY'RE NO FRIENDS OF MINE! S-S-S-S-A-A-A-A-F-F-F-F-E-E-E-E..."

"Kelso: (walks by to see Turk sitting on the counter, clutching Carla's purse) What the HELL are you doing?
 * Another great Turk moment:

Turk: I GET TO HAVE SEX!

Kelso: I hate this place. (leaves)

Turk: (to random passerby) I get to have seeeex toniiiiiiiiiight!"

"Turk: No! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!"
 * This whole scene had my university house in tears, and we still quote it to this day

"JD: You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
 * The whole opening sequence of Ep 100, "My Way Home":
 * After seeing all the girly things in Elliott's bathroom, we pan over to see JD with a pink towel wrapped around his head: "It--was--AWESOME."
 * JD riding through puddles after a rain - the part when he disappears and then pops up in the next puddle always has this troper in hysterics. Not to mention the stoner riffing with the Janitor immediately after:

Janitor: Was his name Julian?

JD: We didn't exchange pleasantries.

Janitor: That's Julian."

"Elliott: Did you eat my mango body butter?
 * Another part from that episode:

JD: No! *Thinks* I shmeared it on a bagel."

"Dr. Gross: And Perry, if there is someone in your life in that hellhole of a hospital that you actually listen to, you should do everything in you power to keep them around, because that person is nothing short of a genius."
 * His Story was made of these, but This Troper's favorite moment was this gem:

"Dr. Kelso: You take this one Perry.
 * Cut to J.D. singing "Kung-Fu Fighting" in the elevator.
 * The Todd: most of the things he says - these are a couple highlights
 * Elliot: "I wonder what it's like to have an erection for six straight hours..." The Todd: "Ask me in 20 minutes."
 * "Sometimes when I am humping THIS mattress, I'm thinking about humping THAT mattress"
 * Janitor (when they are not sure if Todd is gay or not): "What the hell are you?" Todd: "I'm The Todd"
 * For this troper, it is his many and creative Double Entendres.
 * "I'd like to double her entendre."
 * "In-your-end-o!"
 * "I'd like to play some Madden Football on her Xbox!" (beat) "Who, Todd? There are no women here." "...It's still funny."
 * His best moment in medicine; The Miracle Five. Lampshaded by the incredulous doctors Cox and Kelso.

Dr. Cox: Great moment there, dumbass. Starts out with a profound misunderstanding with how the human body works and winds up with you shattering a few bones in some old man's hand.

The Todd: Oh yeah."

"J.D.: I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya"...not gonna happen. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay? So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor. *Cox growls behind the duct tape gag* I know! I know that makes you angry, but-- *Cox breaks the duct tape binding his hands and reaches up to throttle JD* Uh-oh! Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do--"
 * "Greatest. Conversation. Ever."
 * "Hey, what Has Two Thumbs And doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how you doing?"
 * "What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? (in a high-pitched voice) Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh."
 * JD finding Cox bound and gagged with duct tape in a morgue drawer.

"J.D & Turk: ELLIOT!
 * In one episode, Cox takes every character and explains why they are funny and proceeds to tell Carla to never tell jokes again. May double as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
 * Turk trying to get Carla to say "yes" to his proposal . . . by getting on top of his car and yelling at her, whilst angry drivers honk at him. The jewel in the crown is JD running around with sparklers akimbo.
 * The episode with Colin Ferrell, particularly the scene where he seduces both Elliot and Carla mere seconds apart from each other.

Elliot: (stops making out with him) He said my eyes look like the Irish countryside after a soft rain. (she runs off)

J.D. What was that?!

Turk: That's just Elliot. She's desperate.

J.D.: Dude. (points to behind him where Carla is about to kiss Billy)

Turk: BABY!

Carla: (jumps) What? I wasn't gonna do anything. He said my hair is curly.

Billy: Your hair is curly. (Carla goes to kiss him)

J.D & Turk: BABY!

Carla: (leaves)"

"JD: Oh, you think that's funny, do you? Well, good, because YOU'RE DYING!
 * In that same episode, Billy and the guy he knocked out play a prank on Turk and JD. Billy pretends to have knocked the guy out again and when JD goes over to check on him, he pops upright, scaring JD so badly that he screams and falls over. The following happens when JD gets back up:

Guy: (panicked look)

Turk: (points at JD disapprovingly) John Dorian, you are a doctor!

JD: Well, he started it!"

"Laverne: You have one day to find us another gorgeous Irishman.
 * "Top o' the mizzle to ya, me lizzles!"
 * After calling the police on Billy, wondering if it'll have any consequences, J.D. and Turk turn to see every woman in the hospital (and Todd) glaring at them.

Todd: One. Day."

"Cox: You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like G.I. Joe's nether regions. By the by, this image is brought to you by my son Jack who has been yanking the pants off of his toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough, so that leaving the house, I'm cranky, and less able to suffer fools, which brings me back to you, the fool. I'm done suffering you. So go now, go, go before you can write a book entitled Help! A Large Doctor is Beating My Ass, Colon, the Lester Hendrick Story."
 * Doctor Cox's entire rant to Lester Hendrick from "My Five Stages":

"Keith: [In Doctor Cox's home; Walking out of the bathroom] ...Did Elliot leave without telling me?
 * From "My Fallen Idol":

Jordan: [Walking out of the bathroom behind Keith] Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.

Keith: [Zips his jacket up to his neck] She made me watch!"

"Jordan:"WHAT?!"
 * "RING O' FIIIIREEEEEE!!" (Motorcyle lights on fire) "SASHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
 * "My Friend With Money": Jordan's Jurassic Park entrance, culminating in

Cox:"You look pretty dear."

Turk:"So pretty.""

"Jordan:"If you talk again, I'm going to eat you!""
 * From that same episode:

"Mr. Randolph: [upon seeing Turk] What is he doing here? You know I don't like these people.
 * Prostate Cancer patient played by Barry Bostwick in "My Dirty Secret"

(Turk and JD look shocked)

Mr. Randolph: Surgeons, not African Americans.

Turk: Actually, sir, we're going with "black" now.

Mr. Randolph: (calling to his wife, who is in the hallway) I WAS RIGHT, CATHERINE!"

"Turk: Dude, are you OK? You were gone for a really long time then.
 * Elliot has magic breasts.
 * One of JD's longest Imagine Spots, prompted after Carla accuses Turk of being forgetful and wondering what he's going to be like as a father. The Imagine Spot starts with Turk on his way back from picking up a pumpkin, and realising that he has forgotten the baby and instead brought home a pumpkin. Then Carla finds the pumpkin cute, and agrees to raise it instead. Then we see a sequence of scenes showing the pumpkin "growing up", such as his first bath and playing at a little league game. Finally we see the pumpkin's graduation, when Turk and Carla accidentally drop the pumpkin and it smashes. They start to mourn it, but are interrupted when suddenly they see their real son. They exclaim happiness and begin to run towards each other, when suddenly the son is hit by a bus.

JD: YOU'RE GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE FATHER! (Leaves)"

"Ted: My band has decided we're only doing songs from classic movies now.
 * Not to mention the alternate adlib of JD yelling "YOU KILLED PUMPKIN BOY!"
 * Turk and JD's "Operation Brown Cub" for when Carla goes into labour in "My Best Friend's Baby's Baby and My Baby's Baby": "I want the whole world to know my baby's having a baby!"
 * JD in "My Identity Crisis" imagining Dr. Cox attempting to recreate the Risky Business dance scene, only to be interrupted by JD, Turk, and The (uninvited) Todd.
 * Todd, in speedo: "Why is everybody wearing such giant underwear?"
 * Ted updating the staff on what his band is up to at the most inappropriate times:

JD: (briefly stopping his work on a patient whose stitches from heart surgery have completely come out and raising his blood-soaked hands) Ted! I'm a little busy, okay? Toodles!"

"JD: (From inside a bodybag) Could you press "Lobby", please?
 * In "My Way Home", during one of JD's many attempts to escape from the hospital:

Doug: (Screams and hits JD over the head with a fire extinguisher)

JD: Ow! Ow! Ow! (Emerging from the body bag) Doug! Why are you hitting me?

Doug: Because I thought you were a dead guy coming back to life!

(Beat)

JD: Then why were you hitting me?!

Doug: (in terrified voice) Dead people should be dead!"

"Bonnie: SHOVE IT, TURK!
 * In "My Mirror Image", when JD finds out Kim is pregnant, he frantically tries to call Turk but is unable to get through because all the hospital staff are busy dancing to Turk's ringtone. Made even funnier by the fact that it's the sort of thing that could easily be one of JD's daydreams... only it isn't.
 * Another wonderful Turk moment when he finds out he's been chosen to go to a doctor's conference over his obnoxious co-worker Bonnie and the following moment happens:

Turk: Oh, I'm gonna shove it... and love it, and dance around above it, HEY! (Cue a five minutes dance number right in front of her with the chorus, "Shove it, and love it, and dance around above it!")"

"JD: And then we'd have my real funeral.
 * The Janitor haunting pediatrics.
 * JD imagining his funeral. Funniest part is after he snaps out of it, the Imagine Spot having ended with Dr. Cox rather violently killing him:

Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?

JD: No, sir, I'm a dreamer."

"JD: ''(sotto voce) I think there may be something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that."
 * JD sassing Laverne at the beginning of "My Jiggly Ball". The finger snap he does at the end is just hilarious.
 * Later, after JD's had tennis balls thrown at him by most of the hospital staff, there's a shot of him holding up his hand and wriggling his fingers:

"Ted: [screaming into phone receiver] Fine! You want to quit, quit! But you are a worthless peon, and you will always be a worthless peon! [hangs up and turns to Kelso] Sir, you know my band, the Worthless Peons?"
 * In one episode, a patient in one of the luxury hospital rooms leave and Dr. Cox is told to inform Dr. Kelso. He and the Janitor decide to let him think the patient is still there so that they can use the room. Later they fall out and the Janitor seals the room off, and can be seen dancing around in there to "The Girl From Ipanema".
 * JD's reaction to Elliot dismissing their almost-kiss in "My Princess".
 * The first mention of the Worthless Peons:

"JD as Robin Holy Inferiority Complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in own fantasy?
 * From the episode My Fifteen Minutes

Turk as Batman It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.

JD as Alfred Damn you...Sir."

"You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like, right now, I'm looking for something... and I know I came to the vending machine, and then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here... and yep! There you are! [Picks up body bag] As soon as you take your eyes of 'em, you lose 'em. They're like children- [slaps head of dead body]- big, dead children!"
 * Doug, who eventually worked the morgue, and his cavalier attitude towards death:

"Todd: Hey, Mickhead!
 * In one episode, Dr. Kelso asks for a muffin and once he gets the muffin, he tosses it in the trash can. He then says, "Because I can." This troper died laughing.
 * Also, when JD chases off all of the old gay guys that hang out on his half-acre and then tells Turk he turned the hose on them "but they liked it".
 * Elliot and Carla try to "fix" the Todd, i.e. have a serious talk with him to get him out of the closet so he'll stop hitting on Anything That Moves. They think it works until Todd just repeats the same behavior as before, but with men.

Dr. Mickhead turns to look at him

Todd: Is that package for me? YOU KNOW IT IS!

Mickhead: (hurries away with a confused, frightened expression)"

"Kelso: Perry, it's hotter than hell in here!
 * Kelso proves to J.D. that Cox disagrees with everything he says just because he said it:

Cox: Freezing.

Kelso: Great coffee, though!

Cox: Rat piss.

Kelso: Dr. Murphy is an incompetent suck-up!

Cox: No, Bob, in fact, he is one of the finest young doctors I've ever had the good fortune of working with.

Kelso: (turns to JD) Your witness.

JD: (sees Doug pick up a phone) Doug, what are you doing?

Doug: (ecstatic) I'm calling my Dad!"

"Carla: Bambi...are you giving me attitude?
 * In Season 1, JD becomes jealous when Turk won't take time out to hang with him so he gets a little snippy with Carla and this happens:

JD: So what if I am?

Carla: No, honey, you have to be a stereotype from a bad movie to pull that off. (to Laverne) Am I right?

Laverne: (in an exaggerated voice) Child, please! You speak the truth!

Carla: See, first you do the finger--(she puts a hand on her hip and points at JD)--then you talk through the nose.

(JD backs away, confused and slightly afraid)

Carla: (imitating Rosie Perez) Hey! Where you goin'?!"

"Dr. Cox: Ihre Frau hat schöne Dosen.(Your wife has nice cans.)
 * Dr. Cox learns the hard way that you shouldn't mock someone(Elliot) and then ask how to say something to a patient in German.

(Woman looks offended, man looks pissed)

Dr. Cox: schöne Dosen.(Nice cans.)

(Gets tossed out of the room, and glares at Elliot)

Dr. Cox: (Angrily) schöne Dosen."

"Ben: Yes! I am the king of gay chicken!"
 * Any time you get Dr. Cox and his brother-in-law Ben together, but the one that makes me laugh hardest is the "Gay chicken" Almost Kiss.

"Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
 * This exchange between Kelso and J.D.

J.D.'s Narration: OK, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.

J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jambalaya.

Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house.

J.D.'s Narration: Oh my god, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!

J.D.: You're seventy-eight, sir.

Kelso: You think I'm that old?

J.D.: Jambalaya..."

"Janitor: Look, Ted, you're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
 * In a similar vein, the episode where JD finds himself trying to change the subject under pressure and just constantly blurting out "BANANAHAMMOCK!"
 * When J.D. and the Janitor try to help Ted to date Gooch:

Ted: I'm not upset.

J.D. Ted, we found you in the park throwing rocks at old couples.

Ted: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY?!"

"Cox: ...and Ganderoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
 * From "My Own Personal Hell":

Turk: Why would she listen to me?

Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.

Turk: I'm actually alright with that."


 * The Imagine Spots in My ABC's featuring the cast of SesameStreet. These include Oscar the Grouch being named new Chief of Medicine ("I'm watching you John Dorian. Remember, my eyes never close!), and the Todd giving a "Grover five", but the funniest has to be when J.D. is imagining his new intern being charmed by Elmo. He then says that's enough and Elmo turns and says "what, is she your woman?".