Stargate SG-1/Funny

"Don S. Davis: "I'd be my own damn role, I have the best chair on the set.""
 * At DragonCon '06, a question is popped "If you could play any other role on Stargate who would you be?"

"(As part of a training scenario for new recruits, Daniel is occupying Hammond's office.)
 * Made even better by another of the cast having a Spit-Take in the background as he says it.
 * And apparently his character agrees, because when he cameos in season 8 he takes the chair with him when he leaves.
 * Daniel also agrees;

Daniel: (Sitting in Hammond's chair) Oh, I have to tell you, I like this scenario way better than the last one. Have you tried this chair? This is like…really comfortable. (Pounds the chair's arm to prove it)"

"Mitchell: I am legally required to inform you that this is a naquadriah-enhanced nuclear explosive device. Once we retreat through the gate, it will detonate, completely vaporizing anything within a thousand kilometers.
 * The episode where the Ori are using preparing to use a stargate to open a blackhole and power a supergate. The team brings through the "gate-buster" super nuke, to find a Prior standing there, praying aloud.

(the Prior continues praying)

Mitchell: ...sir, you are aware that you are within a thousand kilometers of this device?"

"O'Neill: (while drawing on a plate with ketchup and mustard) "I'm tellin' you Teal'c, if we don't find a way outta this soon I'm gonna lose it."
 * "Window of Opportunity," specifically the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage ("In the middle of my backswing?!"). And when Colonel O'Neill is explaining to Teal'c what the phrase "lose it" means.

Teal'c: (cocks eyebrow)

O'Neill: "Lose it... It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in posession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a Happy Meal. (holds up drawing of smiley face) ""

"The Unscheduled Off-World Activation alarms go off, heralding the reset of the Groundhog Day Loop.
 * And also:

O'Neill: The thing that really bothers me [about starting the loop over again] is that Daniel's in the middle of asking me a question, and I wasn't paying attention the first time.

Teal'c: You are not the only one who must endure some discomfort, O'Neill.

Loop begins again. Red Shirt opens a door and hits Teal'c.

Red Shirt: Oh, I'm so sorry sir! I didn't see you there.

Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions. Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving."

"Lieutenant Kershaw: "I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs."
 * And then one of the first things he does in the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage is interrupt the Red Shirt's apology by shutting the door on him.
 * And the moment Daniel points out to them that they could get away with anything, they immediately get up and walk out of the room. Daniel's face when he realizes what he's just done is priceless.
 * Also, Daniel Jackson in the episode "The Sentinel".

Daniel: (holds up a knife) "Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?""

"Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
 * From the above mentioned "Window of Opportunity"

Daniel Jackson: [raising his hand] Uh, I do.

Jack O'Neill: Okay... Bad example."

"Daniel: "But the Nox are thousands of light-years away... how could a message have traveled that fast?"
 * Daniel asking about Tollan communication technology:

Omoc: *picks up stick* "The distance between the ends seems far, until you do this." *bends the stick so that its opposite ends touch*

Daniel: "Wait! I've heard about this. You're... you're talking about actually folding space!"

Omoc: (smiles indulgently) "...no.""

"Baal: "You dare mock me?!"
 * Many of the conversations between O'Neill and the various Goa'uld count as this

O'Neill: "Baal, you know me. Of course I dare mock you.""

"Felger: "I brought Coombs with me!"
 * Much of "The Other Guys", especially O'Neill's reaction to Felger & Coombs' "rescue".

O'Neill: (staring in disbelief) "Look everybody, he brought Coombs with him!""

"Felger: "Don't panic! Just think... what would Colonel O'Neill do in this situation?"
 * Felger and Coombs arguing with each other:

Coombs: "You want me to shoot you?""

"Herak: "This is nothing compared to what Anubis is capable of!"
 * And this exchange after Herak torures O'Neill.

O'Neill: (lying on the floor, in pain) "You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!""

"Vala: "Whatever happens, I just want you to know that..."
 * When Felger and Coombs arrive aboard a Goa'uld ring platform, Felger immediately raises his gun, ducks his head, covers his eyes with his other arm, then slowly turns in a circle while blindly emptying his gun at absolutely nothing.
 * "The Other Guys", full stop.
 * The Reveal that Vala Is A Girl. Must be seen to be believed.
 * Vala smacking Daniel with a fire extinguisher.
 * Daniel and Vala arguing with each other while she's in Prometheus's brig.
 * In that same episode is this exchange:

Daniel: (stuns her)"

"Jack: You're so *shallow*.
 * One episode has the group in O'Neill's house drinking beer. While Daniel balances an orange on his beer bottle, Jack explains how the Simpsons are a perfect analogy to the SGC (Burns as Goa'uld). When Teal'c responds skeptically...

Daniel: Oh, please, Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's...SO deep. [to Teal'c] Go ahead, tell 'em how deep you are. [to Jack] You'll be lucky if you understand this.

Teal'c: [pause] My depth is not relevant to this conversation.

Daniel: Ooooh, ya see?!

O'Neill: Okay, no more beer for you."

"Col. O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
 * Window of Opportunity. I need say no more.
 * Except maybe "Urgo."
 * "Row, row, row your boat..." "I don't even know the words to Row, row, row your boat!"
 * "Isn't that hot?" "Extremely."
 * "I wanna live! I want to experince the universe! And I wanna eat pie!"
 * Or "Wormhole X-Treme".
 * Particularly the special at the end: "What do you mean it's not a real show?!"
 * The more obscure plot to steal.
 * Don't forget Teal'c telling a joke in "Seth".
 * From "The Other Side"

Teal'c: That he is concealing something.

Col. O'Neill: Like what?

Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it."

"Jack: Guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview.
 * What about Sam pointing out that they can probably never go public with what they discover going through the 'gate?

Teal'c: What is an Oprah?"

"Ba'al: It's my clones. They want to kill me!
 * More Teal'c:

Teal'c: (Deadpan) That would make all of us."

"Jack: The kid's got two left feet. He's slowing us down!
 * The scene where Jonas Quinn accidentally convinces Teal'c that he wants to take over the world. "No. No conspiracy. I promise." Almost immediately followed by him reaching into his jacket, very ominously, and pulling out... a banana. It's Jonas.
 * "The Russians are coming."
 * When Daniel has resigned in Forever in a Day, he walks into Hammond's office to hear Jack complaining about his replacement.

Daniel: Deja vu.

Jack: Deja vu.

Daniel: Deja vu."

"O'Neill (in Teal'c's body): Teal'c, I'm going to go see General Hammond. Promise me you won't touch the head."
 * Jack and Teal'c trading bodies in "Holiday".

"Daniel: Sphere - planet, label - name!
 * "What's that got to do with filming a plant?!"
 * Most of "1969", with a special mention to Daniel's response to being asked (in Russian) if he's a Soviet spy. He answers "no" - in Russian. Then there's the team returning at the end dressed for the '60s. Hammond's expression was priceless.
 * In the same episode, the entire scene where Daniel and Sam went to Catherine Langford's house pretending to be German friends of her father. Something about Daniel's glasses in that scene always cracks me up.
 * Also, how exasperated Daniel sounds when Jack asks how they can pretend to be foreigners. "I speak 23 languages, Jack, pick one".
 * Also, Teal'c's outfit. The pink tye-dye outfit and the ridiculous fro could only have come from the rest of SG-1 deliberately getting him the craziest thing he could wear, with Teal'c totally unaware they were making fun at him.
 * Not to mention Jack's interrogation. Keeping in mind, this is 1969... "You're right. I lied. My name isn't Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker." Plus Jack's natural talent for annoying anyone who tries to interrogate him.
 * At the very end of the episode, Hammond casually reminds Jack of the money they borrowed from him in the past - which comes to a few hundred dollars, "with interest."
 * Teal'c + hippies = nothing but hilarity.
 * "Go suck a lemon" (said to a character who not long before mentioned having a lethal allergy to citrus).
 * Daniel imitating a ship to make the Unas understand how the Goa'uld can attack. Made doubly hilarious if you remember him doing the same thing on Abydos in the original movie... with a chicken. (That was a CMOF in its own right).
 * The fact that Chakka, Daniel's Unas friend, gives him an incredulous "What the hell are you doing?" look as he does this never fails to elicit laughter.
 * Daniel trying to convince Jack that he's subconsciously leading them to the lost city.

Jack: Following, you, still, not!"

"Rodney McKay: Now that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? 'Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you'! Then the 'gate shuts down. 'Oops, sorry, never mind.'"
 * When Daniel explains his reasoning Carter remains skeptical because while Jack may well be filling in crossword clues with Ancient stargate adresses, he also answered "celestial body" with 'Uma Thurman'. Ah, Jack.
 * Or how about the time when Daniel was talking about how a robot girl's "attention wanders, it's like she has the mind of a child," while Jack is making faces through a magnifying glass in the background.
 * Talking about Anubis' latest plan to be evil:

"Daniel: Take as much time as you need, run things through proper channels. We're in no rush.
 * Then, later on, "Yeah, hey, Anubis, this is your agent. You're playing it way over the top, could you get serious, please?"
 * There's a scene in "Ripple Effect" where Asgard scientist Kvasir expounds upon the merits of courage in SG-1's upcoming mission... followed by an abrupt "Good luck" and beaming off the bridge. Daniel comments, "I miss Thor."
 * Vala finding the treasure in "Avalon". In fact, many of Vala's scenes in that episode. "I like your outfit." "Isn't this where I beat you up?" "I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex!"
 * Daniel in "Bad Guys" - they're supposed to be holding people hostage, and Daniel's pretending to be the leader.

Negotiator (shocked): I'm sure the hostages would disagree with you.

Daniel: Why? We're not gonna hurt them. (Sees Teal'c staring at him) ...Unless you get cute! In which case there's gonna be, uh, killing and ... whatnot. (Teal'c rolls his eyes)"

"Please remain calm, while we try to rectify this most unfortunate circumstance."
 * Followed by Daniel losing his cool when two female hostages start fighting over one sleeping with the other's guy. 'Tis hilarious. Daniel's attitude in that episode in general is just hilarious.
 * Teal'c zats a politician contemplating escape, then has this to say to the others:

"Daniel: Well, you kept the wrong guy, because I really don't know anything about the ship.
 * A masculine Goa'uld super-soldier hitting on Daniel. It turns out to be Vala, but for that minute when Daniel didn't know that, this troper couldn't stop laughing.

Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive.

Daniel: [coughs]...What?... Hey, you know, big guy, I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours."

"Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, just start guessing?
 * The fight between Daniel and Vala is hilarious as well.
 * In "The Quest, Pt 2", when SG-1 (plus a few others) are being chased by a dragon, which Daniel believes can be defeated by "knowing its secret name."

Vala: Darryl... the Dragon...

Mitchell: How 'bout "Smokey"?

Teal'c: Perhaps... "Puff."

Daniel: (Annoyed) Would you just give me a minute?"

"Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
 * Then Mitchell hatches a plan to kill the dragon by trying to throw a block of C-4 under it, claming "that's where it's weakest," as if he's an expert on dragons.
 * Follow that up with Teal'c making the toss, and the dragon catching and swallowing the C-4 instead. When it explodes inside the dragon, apparently causing nothing more than an urpy tummy, Teal'c is left standing dumbstruck in front of it, eyes slightly wide and visibly gulping. (And if you've watched him for the nine and a half years prior, that sight would be hysterical).
 * The scene where SG-13 walks through the Stargate onto yet another foresty planet.

Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?

Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?

Airman Wells: Abandoned naquadah mine.

Col. Dixon: Boring. But good odds. Bosworth?

Bosworth: I'm going to put my money on trees, sir.

Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smart ass. I'll go with two-headed aliens."

"Balinsky: Oh man, Dr Jackson's going to die when he sees this!
 * It didn't hurt having Col. Dixon played by Adam Baldwin.
 * Followed by the immortal line:

Bosworth: What, again?"

"Herak: This is nothing compared to what my master Anubis is capable of.
 * Future First Prime to Anubis Herak and O'Neill give us this immortal exchange.

O'Neill: You ended that sentence in a preposition! Bastard!"

"Jack: Over my rotting corpse.
 * When General Hammond tells Jack that they are going to put a Russian officer on SG-1:


 * beat*

Jack: I'm sorry, sir, did I just say that out loud?

Hammond: I told him you'd give it careful consideration.

Jack: And that I will, Sir. But I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna say...bite me."

"Jack O'Neill: "Jaffa, kree!"
 * In "Point of No Return" Teal'c greatly enjoys the vibrating bed.
 * Any time one of SG-1 has to impersonate a Goa'uld, such as Daniel claiming to be the System Lord "the great and powerful Oz" (the look Jacob/Selmak gives him sells it) and Jack demonstrating his extremely limited knowledge of the language.

Daniel Jackson: "Jaaaack?"

Jack: "You heard me! I said kree!""

""The name's Olo. Hans Olo.""
 * Daniel attempts improvisation again in Prometheous Unbound, trying to pass himself off as a bounty hunter.

"Michael: So your thing, that thing, on your forehead; what's it symbolize? Peace?
 * From "1969":

Teal'c: Slavery. To false gods.

Michael: Right on?

[...]

Michael: We're even thinking of crossing the border up to Canada.

Teal'c: For what reason?

Michael: You know, man. The war.

Teal'c: The war with Canada?

Michael: No.

[...]

American Soldier: Vi sovietski spionè?

Daniel: Nyet!

O'Neill: Daniel?

Daniel: He just asked if we were Soviet sp-... oh."

"Tanith: "Why have I been left out of such important discussions?"
 * Teal'c again, when talking to Tanith, a known Goa'uld spy among the Tok'ra:

Teal'c: (matter-of-factly) "The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.""

"O'Neill: Three days from now? That's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us."
 * O'Neill after hearing about an attack planned by Anubis.

"Villager: They say they are friends.
 * O'Neill and a nomad elder having a pithy saying competition:

Elder: 'No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust him.'

O'Neill: 'Don't judge a book by its cover.'

Elder: 'Enemies promises were made to be broken.'

O'Neill: And yet, 'honesty is the best policy.'

Elder: 'He that has too many friends has none!'

O'Neill: Ah, but... 'birds of a feather.'

Elder: I'm unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach?

O'Neill: It has to do with flocking. And... togetherness... and... to be honest, I'm not sure of the particulars myself."

"Mitchell: Oh, please, Mary Poppins is not even in the running!
 * When one of the team has to pose as a drug dealer, Mitchell immediately discounts the others as credible actors for this role, including Carter:

Carter: Hey!"

"Hammond: In the future, Major, I would like to be informed prior to you activating any device whose name includes the word "reactor"."
 * This exchange is now available as a YTMND here.
 * Carter excitedly activates an experimental energy reactor... which causes a complete shutdown of the base's primary power systems.

"Teal'c: "If a dispute between a Jaffa and his wife cannot be settled, it necessitates a pledge break. It must be offered by one and accepted by the other."
 * Teal'c explains Jaffa divorce customs.

Daniel: "And if even that is refused?"

Teal'c: "A weapon is required.""

"Daniel: The System Lords can't be trusted, either as a group or individuals. They're posturing egomaniacs driven by an insatiable lust for power, each one capable of unimaginable evil.
 * Daniel briefing Weir prior to negotiating a treaty with the System Lords:

Weir: See, why should I be nervous? Sounds like an average day at the United Nations."

"Carter: So what didn't they go for?
 * I love that one frozen Replicator from "Reckoning" that falls down when THAT WAS PRICELESS!
 * Also funny from that scene: most everyone just stops and stares in confusion when the Replicators suddenly halt in their tracks. But not Jack, who just says "Huh. Weird." and continues shooting.
 * Teal'c accidentally attending "Vagina Monologues". The sheer unexpectedness of scene, and the look on Teal'c's face, was just hilarious.
 * From the Season 6 episode Unnatural Selection:

O'Neill: The name I suggested.

Carter: For the ship?

O'Neill: Yeah.

Carter: Yeah. Sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.

O'Neill: Why not?"

"Jack: Help me up.
 * From "Crystal Skull":

Teal'c: Doctor Fraiser believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission.

Jack: Yeah, whatever. [gets out of bed and collapses in a heap on the floor]

Teal'c, without changing expression: Doctor Fraiser is usually correct in such matters."

"Walter: He'll be your administrative assistant.
 * O'Neill getting an "administrative assistant" early into his job as Commander of the SGC.

O'Neill: Did I ask f-

Walter: No, sir.

O'Neill: Do I really ne-

Walter: Yes, sir."

"(other guy): At least, we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore, so...
 * At the end of Evolution: Daniel's been shot in the leg and is leaning on a crutch. They're discussing the sarcophagus-like artifact that just made one baddie nuts and reanimated the other's dead corpse, but is apparently off now. Knowing what Daniel knows about sarcophagus addiction, it's understandable how he reacts:

Daniel: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore, it shouldn't... be on anymore.

(other guy): Do you want to hold it?

Daniel: (too fast) No.

Daniel hops two steps to the side just to get a little farther away."

"Svetlana Markova: (to Daniel, referring to the submarine's engines burning out) If you're implying that everything Russian-built is low-quality, the sub is Swiss.
 * The Hypocritical Humor example on the main page mentions the Chinese ambassador in "Disclosure" saying that China does not believe in keeping secrets from its people. The look Russian Air Force Colonel Chekov gives him is priceless, especially when you consider that Chekov grew up in the Soviet era.
 * The teaser of "Avenger 2.0" is possibly the Crowning Moment of Funny for season seven. Jay Felger attempts to demonstrate a beam weapon he developed. It starts to charge up, everybody gets expectant looks, then huge showers of sparks fly from it. Power goes out all over the base. Felger basically looks at General Hammond and says that's not supposed to happen. This troper spent the entirety of the credits sequence howling with laughter.
 * From "Watergate":

Daniel: So, it sometimes catches fire, but it keeps perfect time?

Markova: (stops what she's doing and stares at him)

Daniel: ... Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much."

"O'Neill: "Who put her in charge?"
 * The Brick Joke later on. Markova says that either there's something wrong, or the gauges are reading wrong. Daniel responds, "But it's Swiss!"
 * In an early episode, during a medical emergency, Dr. Frasier suddenly begins issuing orders all over the place, despite Hammond being in the room:

Hammond: "The United States Air Force."

Teal'c: "In the event of a medical emergency, Dr. Frasier has authority."

O'Neill: "Huh...""

"Alt!Teal'c: "I killed you."
 * Daniel's complete nonchalance at hearing that.

Daniel: "...Why?"

Alt!Teal'c: "You were a Goa'uld."

Daniel: "Oh. Good reason.""

"Teal'c: You received permission for me to fire my staff weapon in the gate room?
 * "Cold Lazarus":

Sam: Oh yeah.

Daniel: Absolutely."

"O'Neill: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man."
 * A classic moment from Jack during "The Gamekeeper" comes up while the titular Keeper is expositing about the nature of the virtual world and the "poisoned" outer world. As he's talking, Jack is shown walking up to one of the virtual mind standing around in their black cloaks and veils and just...poking him in the shoulder, making him sway slightly. There's something ridiculously funny about the combination of curiosity and flippancy summed up in that single gesture.
 * "Bane":

"Loki: I was stripped of my stature after I was caught performing unsanctioned experiments on humans.
 * What makes it even better is that Hammond is clearly giving serious thought to granting that request, too!
 * "Fragile Balance":

O'Neill: What, you've got sanctioned ones?"

This gem from "The Serpent's Lair" "Jack: Now what?

Bra'tac: Now, we die.

Jack: Well, that's a bad plan."