The X-Files/Funny

"Mulder: There is a weird feel to this place. Maybe there's some truth to those rumors.
 * Ahem. ''Die Hand Die Verletzt"

Scully: I think he incited your imagination. I think this case is nothing more than a murderer taking advantage of local folklore. I mean, there's nothing odd about —

[Scully is interrupted by a rain of toads]

Mulder: So... lunch?

Scully: Mulder! Toads just fell from the sky!

Mulder: I guess their parachutes didn't open. You were saying something about this place not feeling odd?"

"Scully: (on the phone with Manners, to Mulder) He says he's found your bleeping dead alien."
 * Jesse Ventura and  as Men in Black in "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space.'"
 * And Lord Kimbote.
 * Detective Manners, full stop.

"Mulder: It was five hours of Boggs's 'channeling'. After the first three hours, I asked him to summon up the soul of Jimi Hendrix and requested "All Along the Watchtower"."
 * "Hey, I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage."
 * And Mulder's "girly scream", with a deadpan face.
 * "The proper authorities showed up with a couple of men in black. One of them was disguised as a woman, but wasn't pulling it off. Like, her hair was red... but it was a little too red, you know. And the other one, the tall lanky one, his face was so blank and expressionless."
 * "I don't know which was more disturbing, his description of the inner core reincarnated souls sex orgy... or the fact that the whole thing was written in screenplay format."
 * The goofy UFO conspiracy theorist giving a somber, existentialist speech about what the future holds, concluding with a casual, offhand warning about "the lava men."
 * The "I'm a Republican" line ALWAYS makes me die of laughter.
 * "Beyond the Sea" is absolutely tearjerking, but a bright spot is Mulder's deadpan recap of how he spent an afternoon with a serial killer:

"Scully *looks at substance on Mulder's fingers*: I think it's bile.
 * From "Squeeze":

Mulder: Is there any way I can get this off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?"

"Scully: I'm warning you - if this is monkey pee, Mulder, you're on your own."
 * Scully's ultimatum to Mulder in "The Erlenmeyer Flask":

"Mulder: "At that part, I'm a pro.""
 * One really wonders how the actors managed to keep straight faces during an exchange in the episode "Per Manum", when Scully is talking to Mulder about sperm donation:

"Mulder: Isn't there some way to get these pigs moving?
 * "Home" was a very weird episode overall, but there was one hilarious scene scene that stood out:

Scully: Bah, ram, ewe. Bah, ram, ewe. I babysat my nephew this weekend. We watched Babe fifteen times a day.

Mulder: And people call me Spooky..."

"Mulder: I did not!"
 * Most of "Bad Blood."
 * If you're not convinced, at least consider: the moment a drugged-out Mulder sings the theme to "Shaft".

"Scully: You're saying that I actually hit him two times?
 * What about the part where Mulder attempts to fend off a group of vampires with a cross... made from a pair of breadsticks?
 * And this:

Mulder: Square in the chest. No effect.

Scully: And then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel?

Mulder: Well, I don't think I'll use the phrase "flying squirrel" when I talk to Skinner, but... yeah, that's what happened."

"Skinner: The coroner's throat's been bitten.
 * Also:

Mulder: The coroner's dead?

Skinner: No, his throat was bitten. Sort of...gnawed on.""

"Clyde Bruckman: You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.
 * While comparing stories, Mulder makes a point of mentioning the sheriff had "big buckteeth", which Scully of course contradicts. When they return to the little town and we find out the sheriff doesn't actually have buckteeth, Scully just looks at Mulder and taps her front teeth with her finger.
 * After being pestered all afternoon to admit to Skinner that he was drugged, and refusing adamantly to do so, the very first thing Mulder does upon seeing Skinner leave his office is jump up and blurt out "I was drugged!"
 * This exchange from "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose"

Mulder: Why are you telling me that?

Clyde Bruckman: Look, forget I mentioned it. It's none of my business."

"Mulder: (trying to convince Scully the random Man in Black is really him) Look, your full name is Dana Katherine Scully. Your badge number is... hell, I don't know your badge number. Your mother's name is Margaret, your brother's name is Bill. He's in the Navy and he hates me. Lately you've been having for lunch, I dunno, this six ounce cup of yogurt, plain yogurt into which you stir some bee pollen because your on some kind of bee pollen kick, even though I tell you you're a scientist and you really should know better.
 * Pretty much that whole episode is absolutely hilarious, while also being a Tear Jerker and Nightmare Fuel. Quite an achievement, really.
 * Bruckman's obsession with figuring out what kind of pie he sees Mulder stepping in before the killer gets him.
 * From "Dreamland":

Scully: That information could've been gathered by anybody.

Mulder: Even that yogurt thing?... That's so you. That's so Scully. The fact that you haven't changed is still somewhat comforting."

"Scully: I must remind you, this goes against the bureau's policy of male and female agents staying in the same motel room while on assignment.
 * Also from "Dreamland", we have Scully's comment after she's finally caught wise to the MIB and Mulder finally having switched bodies. After having put up with Faux Mulder calling her "baby" a lot and trying to hit on her, she finally agrees to come to "Mulder's" apartment and plays along -- only long enough to get a chance to handcuff him to the bed, pull a gun on him, and then growl, "'Baby' me one more time and you'll be PEEING THROUGH A CATHETER."
 * From "Detour":

Mulder: Try any of that Tailhook crap on me, Scully, and I'll kick your ass."

""Mulder, when you find me dead, my dessicated corpse propped up staring lifelessly through the telescope at drunken frat boys peeing and vomiting into the gutter, just know that my last thoughts were of you... and how I'd like to kill you. ""
 * When Mulder encourages Scully to "sing something to keep yourself awake," and she first panics a little because she "can't sing", but after Mulder eggs her on, finally she shyly begins: "....Jeremiah was a bullfrog...."
 * After Mulder heads off to the mystery of the week alone and leaves Scully stuck on their stakeout, she gives him a cell phone message:

"Mulder: I had a praying mantis epiphany and, as a result, I screamed. No, not...not a girly scream, but the scream of someone being confronted by some before unknown monster that had no right existing on the same planet I inhabited. Did you ever notice how a praying mantis' head resembles an alien's head? I mean, the mysteries of the natural world were revealed to me that day, but instead of being astounded, I was...repulsed.
 * Eddie Van Blundht-as-Mulder, checking out Mulder's apartment in "Small Potatoes."
 * Also from that episode, Scully talking about how great it is that the bizarre corpse they found is "preserved and intact"... just as Mulder, unseen by her, breaks the tail off it. The Oh Crap look on his face is priceless.
 * Also from that one, Eddie Van Blundht Sr. asking if they want to see his tail. Mulder looks excited while Scully says, "No! No, thank you."
 * "His name's Luke Skywalker. He's what they call a Jedi Knight."
 * "....The entomologist's name is 'Bambi'?"
 * "You two look pooped."
 * Mulder explaining to Scully how he hates bugs:

Scully: Mulder...are you sure it wasn't a girly scream?"

"Mulder: Scully, I never thought I'd say this, but you smell bad."
 * Also from that episode:


 * The phone conversations between Mulder and Scully ALWAYS get me. But the Queegog one is BY FAR the best.

"Cigarette-Smoking Man: "Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast and the taste is... fleeting. So, you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers.""
 * The Cigarette-Smoking Man's Forrest Gump speech from "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man".

"Mulder: He put the whammy on him!
 * This classic exchange from "Pusher":

Scully: Please explain to me the scientific nature of "the whammy"."

"Scully: I saw your face, Mulder. There was a definite moment of panic.
 * From the first movie, after Mulder was in a building with a large bomb:

Mulder: You've never seen me panic. When I panic, I make this face. [Remains entirely deadpan.]"

"Byers: "Scully's on fire!"
 * "I had you big time." First time, Crowning Moment of Funny. Second time, Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
 * As cringeworthy as "First Person Shooter" was, with its Totally Radical dialogue and...well, not "implications" so much as blatant assertion that men are all inherently violent, childish perverts, and as much as all this is doubly unforgivable because William Gibson should really know better, everyone admits the part at the end where Scully puts on futuristic battle armor and goes into the game to save Mulder is solid gold.

Langley: "The blood thirst is unquenchable!""

""Did you figure out how he died?"
 * From Three of a Kind:

"My medical opinion? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep *splat*.""

"Scully: [takes off her coat rather suggestively] "You ready?"
 * Any of the following Scully scenes too. ("I don't understand; why would the government want to turn Scully into a bimbo?")
 * In "Arcadia", Mulder and Scully go undercover as a newlywed couple. When they are finally left alone, following exchange takes place:

Mulder: "Let's get it on, honey."

Scully: "Alright then." [hands him a rubber... glove to lift forensic evidence with]"

"Mulder: Admit it, all you want to do is play house. Woman! Get in here and make me a sandwich!
 * UST at its finest. Also:

Scully: *throws glove at him*

Mulder: Did I not make myself clear?"

"Scully: "Why do you always have to drive? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big macho man?"
 * Virtually all of "Humbug", but Scully eating the cricket takes the prize.
 * Double so because, despite having the alternative of a more palatable, Gillian Anderson actually ate it.
 * In 'The Rain King', the two are just swaying back and forth together. Couples as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, considering what the rest of the episode is about.
 * "Syzygy" is full of funny moments, but this one in particular is a gem:

Mulder: "No, I just wasn't sure your little feet could reach the pedals.""

"Skinner: *Shoots the soldier pursuing Mulder and past!Scully.* "God bless America. Now get your asses out of here.""
 * And when she finally gets to drive... She has to pull the seat forward for reaching the pedals. (A Fandom Nod to a common bit of fan pedantry.)
 * Quite a bit of "Triangle", though special mention has to go to Kersh's past!doppelganger, and his insistence that the ship is GOING TO JAMAICA! Also Skinner's counterpart, The Mole among the Nazis.

"Mulder: "So, what are you up to right now, sir?"
 * The bubble bath scene from "Hollywood A.D." makes this troper collapse in hysterical fits every time.

Skinner: "I'm takin' a bubble bath."

Mulder: "Uh, uh...hold on just one second, sir." (Switches to the other line) "Hey Scully, Skin-Man is calling me from a BUBBLE BATH!"

Skinner: "It's still me, Mulder.""

"Anson Stokes: I wish that I could turn invisible... at will.
 * Their expressions when they're watching the movie based on them are just priceless, especially Scully's.
 * In "Je Souhaite"...

Genie: You're kidding.

Anson Stokes: No, no. This is perfect. Yeah, I could have an advantage that nobody else on earth can have. I can, um, you know, spy and learn secret information, pick up stock tips.

Genie: Sneak into a women's locker room.

Anson Stokes: Not just that, okay?"


 * In "Fight Club", Mulder being sucked by a manhole, complete with "Oh Crap".
 * Most of "Quagmire" is a funny episode. Though the Queegog in the car moment and the scenes with the locals stand out especially.