The Avengers (film)/Funny

Considering how gut-bustingly witty many Joss Whedon productions are, this was bound to happen. Highlights include:

"Tony: I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages later in some subtle way, aren't I?
 * Tony and Pepper discussing who gets the credit for Stark Tower, Tony says Pepper can claim 12%. She gives him a flat look.

Pepper: Oh, it won't be that subtle."

"Tony: We were having a moment.
 * The payoff:

Pepper: I was having 12% of a moment."

"Tony: Phil?! His first name is "Agent"."
 * From the same scene, Tony's reaction to Pepper being on a First-Name Basis with Coulson.

"Banner: Just you and me, huh?"
 * Natasha tells Banner "it's only you and me" while convincing him to help SHIELD as Dr. Banner, not the Hulk. Then he scares her, she promptly grabs her gun... "I'm sorry, that was mean. I just wanted to see what you'd do." But she keeps holding the gun, while telling the huge team outside to back off as it was a false alarm...

"Agent Coulson: I watched you while you were sleeping. (Awkward silence). I-I mean... I was present when you were unconscious from the ice."
 * Agent Coulson and Steve Rogers. Coulson is a Fan Boy, Steve finds him a bit creepy.

"Bruce: (bewildered smirk) Oh, no, this is much worse."
 * When Nick Fury meets with Captain America in the beginning they wind up betting ten dollars that there's nothing that can surprise Cap anymore. After he sees the SHIELD helicarrier take off, he heads to the bridge and wordlessly hands Fury a ten-dollar bill, which he accepts without even looking at Cap.
 * Speaking of the helicarrier's initial takeoff, when Natasha initially suggests that Steve and Bruce come inside because it's "about to get hard to breathe" on the deck, Steve guesses that the carrier is submersible; Bruce wonders wryly if they really want him in a "submerged, pressurized, metal container," cue realization as the carrier begins to lift off:

"Black Widow: There was quite the buzz over at headquarters when they found you in the ice. I thought Coulson was going to swoon. Has he asked you to sign his trading cards yet?
 * Black Widow mentions Coulson's fanboying over Captain America and his trading cards. A couple scenes later, we see Cap standing there passively watching the agents work and Coulson in the middle of sheepishly asking him to autograph his cards.

Cap: Trading cards?

Black Widow: They're vintage. He's very proud."

"Cap: Don't tell me you're afraid of a little lightning?
 * After Cap and Iron Man have loaded Loki onto a Quinjet, it suddenly starts to storm...

Loki: I'm not overly fond of what follows."

"Steve: There's only one God, ma'am, and I'm pretty sure He doesn't dress like that."
 * After Thor takes Loki away from SHIELD custody, Iron Man goes after them. Not wanting to be left behind, Captain America is about to follow suit when Black Widow advises him not to do so, as both Thor and Loki are powerful beings and could be considered gods. The good captain's response?

"Thor: Listen well, Brother-- (gets tackled offscreen by Iron Man)
 * Thor's confrontation with Loki gets interrupted by Tony:

Beat.

Loki: I'm listening."

"Thor: You think yourself above them?
 * Adding even more to the humor of the moment, Loki then casually settles down on his rock like he's a member of the audience to watch the show.
 * Before that, Thor asks an obvious question. Loki's "um, duh" expression is priceless.

Loki: Well, yes."

"Thor: Loki may be beyond reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother.
 * During a briefing:

Black Widow: He killed eighty people in two days.

Thor: ...he's adopted."

"Banner: I don't think we should be focused on Loki; that guy's brain is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him."
 * The comment from Banner that led to the above exchange.

"Fury: I'd like to know what Loki did to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys!!
 * This delightful The Wizard of Oz reference during the first group debriefing:

Thor: Monkeys? I do not understand--

Cap: I do! ...I understood that reference."

"Coulson: ...So that's what it does."
 * Agent Coulson even gets a Funny Moment  via his BFG.

"Son, you got a condition."
 * Banner's conversation with the janitor:

"Steve: Hulk?
 * Made even funnier when he asks him if he's an alien, as he's played by Harry Dean Stanton who played a similar role (mechanic, but still) in Alien.
 * When the janitor describes the Hulk as "Big and green and buck-ass nude".
 * Captain America giving orders to the others, then...

(The Hulk looks over at him.)

Steve: Smash.

(Hulk grins and launches himself at the Chitauri.)"

"Loki: ENOUGH! You are all beneath me! I am a god, you dull creature! And I will not be bullied by-
 * Loki telling off the Hulk as if he were scolding a naughty child. What does the Hulk do? What he does best. Smash. Also counts as a Moment of Awesome.

(The Hulk grabs Loki by his legs, twirls him like a lariat, then begins bashing him against the floor. A few smacks reduce the marble floor to gravel and Loki is a horrid, broken senseless mess. Hulk takes a close split-second look at him, then smashes him into the floor two more times just to be sure. )

Hulk: Puny god...

(The tone of Hulk's voice can only be considered disappointment - he had issues to work out, and it was over so quickly. All Loki can do is lie there in his own crater with a bug-eyed and stupefied "What the hell just happened?" look on his face.)"

"Thor: You people are so petty... and tiny."
 * He seemed to know that pissing off the Hulk was a bad idea; the fact that his army was losing and he was alone in a room being chased by said Hulk meant he was desperate, and insulting Hulk was probably part intimidation part last-ditch attempt to preserve his fragile ego. Which makes it both funny and karmic at the same time.
 * And that wasn't exactly a 'whimper', per se. That was the sound someone makes when they've had the wind knocked out of them, and it suddenly takes a conscious effort to get air into their lungs. And Hulk did this to a frickin' GOD without even breathing hard. Just to hammer in the fact that Loki is, for the first time in the movie, completely helpless against a mere earthling. Karmic indeed.
 * A bit of funny trivia:
 * The Hulk Offhand Backhands Thor right out of the shot after they crash one of the Chitauri leviathans into Grand Central Station. Doubles as a Brick Joke to settling their fight on the Helicarrier earlier in the movie.
 * When everyone is arguing in the Helicarrier, Thor jumps in with this gem:

""If it's all the same with you, I'll have that drink now.""
 * What really sells it though is the grin on his face as he says it. Everyone else is about to reach breaking point, and here's Thor smiling like a kid watching a puppet show.
 * Loki, in response to

"Thug 1: Da? [Beat, in Russian] It's for her.
 * If you pay attention to the blocking, you'll note that
 * Natasha's opening scene where she is tied to a chair, dangled over a trapdoor, and about to be questioned by way of a pair of pliers to the face. Then someone's phone rings.

He looks confused as he hands the phone to his boss.

Russian official: [Spouts angry Russian]-

Coulson: You are at 114 Salinski Plaza, 3rd floor. We have an F-22 exactly 8 miles out. Put the woman on the phone or I will blow up the block before you can make the lobby.

Russian official shakily holds phone to Natasha's ear.

Coulson: We need you to come in.

Natasha: Are you kidding? I'm working.

Coulson: This takes precedence.

Natasha: I'm in the middle of an interrogation, this moron is giving me everything.

Cut to bewildered Russian official.

Russian Official: I don't... give her everything...? (He looks at Widow, and she does a little 'Yeah, you have' nod.)

Coulson: Barton's been compromised.

(Beat)

Natasha (who, it must be noted, is still bound hand and foot to a reasonably sturdy chair at this point): ...Let me put you on hold. (Cue her going into Action Girl mode and beating the hell out of the three guys while Coulson waits patiently, listening calmly to the sounds of violence as though it's hold music. Then collecting her heels as she saunters off.)"

"Tony: Please tell me nobody kissed me."
 * What sells it is the switch in her tone. How she was really playing up the part of a panicked captive, then Coulson calls and it pretty much like breaking character while shooting a scene. The Russians' bewildered expressions while wondering what the heck is going on is the icing on the cake.
 * Which is followed by her swearing in Russian when Coulson tells her that she has to recruit Bruce Banner.
 * Captain America orders some police around to set up a perimeter and ensure the safety of the civilians. While the cop in charge asks why he should follow him, Chitauri arrive and Cap just beats all of them to the ground. The cop then proceeds to relay the Captain's orders, word for word.
 * The Avengers rendezvous in the streets to start the counter-attack against the Chitauri. Banner arrives... on a beat-up motorcycle. And observes, so casually that he sounds almost cheerful, "So, this all seems... horrible."
 * I'll do ya one better. It was a scooter.
 * Best CPR ever:
 * Even better, this was apparently ad-libbed by Mark Ruffalo.
 * After, we get this:

"I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it."
 * Nick Fury (dis)regarding the World Security Council decision on the crisis:

"Steve: Doctor Banner? ...Now would be a really good time for you to get angry.
 * Banner's Moment of Awesome as he transforms into The Hulk and lands a Megaton Punch on the Leviathan.

Bruce: That's my secret, Captain. I'm always angry."

"Black Widow: [fighting off Chitauri soldiers at range alongside Hawkeye] It's just like Budapest all over again!
 * Some Casual Danger Dialog:

Hawkeye: You and I remember Budapest very differently."

"Thor: I thought humans were more evolved than this.
 * Cap and Natasha are discussing the fastest way to get the top of the tower. Natasha just looks resigned as she sighs, "This will be fun," once they work out that that she has to bounce off Cap's shield in order hijack one of the Chitauri flyers.
 * Fury shutting down Thor:

Fury: Excuse me? Do we come to your planet and blow stuff up?"

"Cap: Son, just don't."
 * In the trailer at the end of Captain America the First Avenger, we see Cap punching a bag so hard it bursts. In the extended version of that scene in this film, after the bag is punched, we pan down to six more bags, and he puts one on the chain and starts training again. After he's done talking with Nick, he takes a bag back with him to his room.
 * Made a touch funnier in that it's called a 'heavy bag' for a reason, and super-soldier Rogers is casually picking one up.
 * And that he's doing it one-handed.
 * Just before the big fight, as also noted on the MOA page, Cap ordering down a S.H.I.E.L.D agent while trying to commandeer a ride... with the gravitas of a true old soldier...

"Loki: Are you ever not going to fall for that?"
 * Loki's line after he manages to  by using one of his illusions.

"Captain America: Hey! That's enough! Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here -
 * The best part? Loki's probably been doing stuff like that since he was a toddler. Thor still fell for it.
 * The finale of the Iron Man vs Thor fight.

Thor: I've come here to put an end to Loki's schemes.

Cap: Then prove it. Put that hammer down.

Iron Man: Uh, yeah, no, bad call! He loves his hamm-AAH!

(Thor smacks Iron Man aside as he charges at Cap.)

Thor: YOU WANT ME TO PUT THE HAMMER DOWN?!?

Thor puts the hammer down - right on Cap's Mighty Shield.

BOOM.

(Beat).

(Everyone gets up and looks around, bewildered at the collateral damage.)

Cap: Are we done here?"


 * Just loving the fact that after shooting down one plane, Fury turns to see the second one taking off. No longer armed with a rocket launcher, he pulls out his sidearm and momentarily levels it at the retreating jet.

Iron Man practically needs his own page. "Tony: It's like Christmas, but with more... me!"
 * Between Iron Man 2 and The Avengers, Tony Stark bought the MetLife building and has made all kinds of renovations, including installing the first production-model Arc Reactor. But his favorite renovation is his name on the building in giant letters.

"Tony: (covering an eye to imitate Fury's eyepatch) How does Fury even see these?
 * Tony entering the briefing and then getting utterly confused that no-one else has invented his high-tech holographic computers.

Hill: He turns.

Tony: Sounds exhausting!"

"Coulson: Mr. Stark, we need to talk.
 * Tony Stark begins one of his signature rambling speeches by accusing one of the Mission Control officers of playing Galaga on the job. The long scene ends with one of the techies switching his screen back to the game when nobody's looking.
 * What's great about the above two examples is that it's revealed to the audience that he's secretly planting a tiny device to hack into the S.H.I.E.L.D. computers and he's basically just distracting everyone by being a wiseass.
 * Tony's attempt to blow off Agent Coulson:

Tony: You've reached the life-model decoy of Tony Stark. Please leave a message.

Coulson: This is urgent!

Tony: Then leave it urgently.

(The elevator opens, revealing Coulson.)

Tony: (points at Pepper) Security breach! Your fault."

"Tony: You know, you should come by Stark Tower sometime, top 10 floors, all R&D. You'd love it, it's Candyland.
 * Being playful with Bruce Banner:

Bruce: Thanks but, the last time I was in New York, I... kind of broke... Harlem.

Tony: I promise a totally stress-free work environment, no surprises... (shocks him)

Bruce: Ow!

Steve: Hey! Are you nuts?

Tony: Jury's out. (to Bruce) Nothing? You've really got a lid on it, huh? What's your secret? Relaxing jazz, bongo drums, huge bag of weed?

Steve: Is everything a joke to you?

Tony: Funny things are."

"Thor: You have no idea what you're dealing with.
 * The funniest bit about that is after he shocks him, Tony quickly looks intently at Bruce's eyes to see if there's any hint of the Hulk.
 * Tony Lampshading Thor's Shakespearean garb:

Tony: Uh, Shakespeare in the park? "Doth mother know thou weareth her drapes?""

"Jarvis: Power at 400% capacity.
 * Then after Thor shoots Iron Man with a lightning bolt.

Tony: How 'bout that?"

"Bruce: He'd have to heat the cube to 120,000,000 Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.
 * When Stark and Banner find out that they're both huge techno-geeks and rattle off a string of Techno Babble to each other:

Tony: Unless Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunneling effect.

Bruce: Well, if he can do that, he can achieve heavy-ion fusion at any reactor on the planet.

Tony: Finally someone else who speaks English.

Steve: (mumbling to himself) Was that what just happened?

Tony: It's good to meet you Dr. Banner. Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. (Beat) And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.

Bruce: (chagrined) ...Thanks."

"Tony: Still you're pretty spry for an... older fellow. What's your thing? Pilates?
 * Tony's first interaction with Steve.

Steve: What?

Tony: It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things. You know, doin' time as a Cap-sicle."

"Tony: (from inside rotor) Okay, tell me what you see!
 * Tony forgets to factor in Steve's man-out-of-time issues while trying to fix the Helicarrier's busted engine, resulting in some sarcasm from Cap:

Steve: (staring at a bewilderingly high-tech panel) It seems to run on some form of electricity.

Tony: Well, you're not wrong..."

"Tony: That's the point. That's Loki's point. He hit all of us right at where we live. Why?
 * Just before the climactic battle, Cap and Tony still  discuss Loki's next move:

Cap: To tear us apart.

Tony: Yeah, divide and conquer's... great... but, he knows he has to take us out for him to win, right? That's what he wants! He has to beat us, he has to be seen doing it. He needs an audience.

Cap: Right. We caught his act in Stuttgart.

Tony: Yeah. That's just preview. This is opening night! And, Loki, he's a full-tilt diva, he wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the sky with his name plastered -

(Beat with Cap looking incredulously at Tony's choice of adjectives for Loki.)

Tony: Sonofabitch."

"Loki: I have an army.
 * Tony and Loki, threatening each other.

Tony: We have a Hulk."

"Tony: Guys, I'm bringing the party to you.
 * More Casual Danger Dialog.

Flies from behind building chased by a Levithan

Natasha: I-I don't see how that's a party."

"Tony: You ever heard of Jonah?
 * The defeat of the third Leviathan also warrants a mention:

Jarvis: I wouldn't consider him a role model."

"Captain America: We won.
 * Iron Man's idea of a post-victory celebration.

Iron Man: [recovering from RROD] Alright, hey! Hooray! Good job, guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just... take a day. Have y'ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I dunno what it is, but I wanna try it.

Thor: We're not finished yet.

Iron Man: ...and then shawarma after?"

"Iron Man: Okay, we got its attention. What the hell was step two?"
 * There's almost no way anyone would notice it on the first viewing, but Tony actually bounces past a shawarma joint when he crash-lands after . It's a blink-and-you-miss-it sort of thing, and is kind of amusing if you consider what it says about Tony.
 * That whole sequence gets bonus points just for being such a brilliant parody of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's traditional post-credits stingers. At any movie screening, it's inevitable that at least half the audience will wait until the end of the credits to catch some mind-blowing Sequel Hook. Here, they wait until the end of the credits... . Which is probably what would happen in real life.
 * Made even funnier by the fact that
 * And even funnier by the fact that
 * And then the scene ends with Thor taking a massive, crunchy bite of his wrap with crumbs falling all over the table.
 * Iron Man flying around a corner, popped a huge display of flares at an oncoming Leviathan, then wondering what to do next.

"Loki: ....that usually works.
 * Iron Man to Loki: "Make a move, Reindeer Games."
 * Iron Man to Hawkeye: "You might want to clench up, Legolas."
 * Iron Man to Thor: "No hard feelings, Point Break..."
 * Loki attempts to brainwash Tony by sticking his heart with the scepter as he did with Hawkeye and Selvig. Instead, it hits the arc reactor under his shirt with a clank. A moment of silence, and then Loki tries again. Clank.

Tony: Performance issues. It happens."

"Steve: Big guy in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?
 * Even during a tense moment, Tony gets in some snark:

Tony: Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist."

"Cap: (urgent, non threatening tone) Put on the suit.
 * Even more funny is Black Widow's nodding in agreement.
 * The part where Tony reactivates the turbine, but Cap is too busy with the enemy to pull the emergency lever. This results in the former being trapped in the reactivated turbine.
 * Made even better by the pinball-esque sound effects that accompany his bouncing around under the turbine.
 * When Cap and Tony are arguing, Cap twice demands that Tony put on the suit so that they can go a few rounds. Then.

Tony: Yep."