Diablo III/Funny

""Vegetable bad! Meat Good!"
 * The Butcher:

"Zombie flesh good! Human flesh better!""

"So many spiders live within these caverns. I like it here."
 * There is no cow level...
 * Almost anything Covetous Shen says or does.
 * The Witch Doctor's journal entry for the quest where you travel through the Caverns of Araneae:

"Lyndon: Tyrael, do humans and angels ever fall in love with one another?
 * The following conversation between Tyrael and Lyndon (the Scoundrel) in Act IV:

Tyrael: It has happened once before.

Lyndon: So do you think I have a chance with Auriel?

Tyrael: Never."

"PC: Did you have many friends at the order?
 * A bit of random conversation with the Templar:

Kormac: We are brothers. It is a stronger bond than mere friendship.

PC: I take it you did not have any friends, then."

"Yes, with these heathens at my command, the kingdoms of the world shall bow to the might of... THE LORD OF GOATS!
 * On the Southern Highlands, after defeating a cultist and the khazra ghosts he summoned, the player finds his journal:

...I may have to work on the title a bit more."

"Farmer: [after the corpse's head topples off onto the floor] Oh, she's nodded off.
 * In the first act, it is possible to stumble on a "Forlorn Farm". Upon defeating the enemies there, you are invited into the cellar where a farmer and his wife hid. If you go down, you will find that the wife is long dead, nothing but a desiccated corpse in a rocking chair whose head proceeds to fall off; the farmer may or may not be oblivious to this - each line from him is part of a Hurricane of Puns, much to the dismay of the Player Character.

Farmer: My wife can't help with the planting and harvesting. She's nothing but skin and bones!

Farmer: It can be dangerous in the wilderness. Being out this far scares my wife to death!

Farmer: You wouldn't know it, but this basement gets right chilly at night. Cold as the grave!

Farmer: You should have been there when I met my wife. I lost my heart and she lost her head.

Witch Doctor: You must stop this now.

Farmer: I can't take all the credit. My wife handles the business side of things. She has a good head on her shoulders!

Witch Doctor: Hmm... Really?"

"Captain Haile: Private, if you need to be remind which end of the sword goes where, you haven't been paying attention!"
 * During Act III while a demon ambush is going on:

"Captain Haile: You there! Damotrius! Stop moping about! If this was your funeral I'm bloody well certain you'd have been told!"
 * And later:

"Villager: You know what would take everyone's mind off their troubles? One of Theodas's great comedies.
 * In Act I after rescuing Cain, you can stumble upon a conversation between a villager and a tired patron in New Tristram:

Tired Patron: I've seen one of them. Two men dressed as women, screeching at each other and tearing their bodices? Oh, that'd cheer me right up.

Villager: Glad to hear it. Rehearsal is in three hours!"

"Little Boy: Stab those bloody demons in the arse!"
 * During Act III in the base area:

"Lyndon: People say I'm bad, but no one's ever had to imprison me and dismantle my body parts. A little context would be nice."
 * In Act II, during the quest to collect the various parts of Zoltun Kulle:

"Soldier: Well, Marta. That Demon Lord is dead. Time to move on.
 * When the old soldier and his wife at Bastion's Keep in Act III aren't being heartwarming, they're usually being funny instead. In particular, after one event they reminisce together about the time she was kidnapped by barbarians: the soldier describes how he was beside himself until they returned her with an apology, and his wife comments that their leader still sends her a bundle of hides every year and is the nicest kidnapper she's met.
 * Later:

Marta: I'll go pack my knitting."


 * Kormac the Templar's truly over-the-top reactions upon encountering Elite Mooks. Made funnier when made against elites in.
 * In the Caldeum Bazaar in Act 2, there are two kids (a boy and a girl) running around with their pet rabbit. They eventually make their way to an Iron Wolf in the center of the map, where the man kills the rabbit with his sword, splattering blood all over the ground. The boy and the girl then run in opposite directions, crying.