The Bible/Genesis/Recap

First book of The Bible. Author unknown.

God creates the heaven and the earth, creates man, creates woman from man, woman eats from tree of knowledge of good and evil, man is banished from paradise. Man and Women's children make sacrificed to God, Cain tries to cheat God and doesn't get rewarded for his sacrifice, Cain, pissed, murders his brother and is cursed to wander. Cain's decedents create the first city while Adam and Eve have Seth, who eventually leads to Noah.

God briefly angsts over having created an Earth that has come to Sin and decides to start anew by flooding the Earth for 40 days and 40 nights (the water remains for 150 days total). God commands Noah to build an ark to store the animals to repopulate the Earth. Noah's decedents try to make a city with a tower that reaches to the heavens, God spreads them around the Earth and separates their languages for... no really clear reason.

God sends Abram to found a nation and takes his wife and nephew Lot with him. After a quick stop in Egypt and acquiring great wealth there Lot and Abram split up. Lot is kidnapped and his possessions stolen after the city he is living in is looted in war, so Abram comes with 318 soldiers to rescue him and his stuff. Abram, unable to have a child with his wife (at ~90), has a child with her maidservent (the child become Ishmael), but God allows him to have a child with his wife (who is named Isaac). God deems Sodom to be full of sin and sends two angels to destroy it. Lot is led out of the city along with his two daughters, but his wife looks back at (goes back to?) the city as it is being destroyed and is turned to salt.

Sarah conceives the child and births him, at the same time Ishmael is born. As a test of character, God tells Abraham sacrifice his son and he goes through with it without hesitation, only to be stopped in the nick of time by an angel.

Sarah dies and Abraham buys a cave to bury her in. Abraham sends a servant to find a wife for Isaac. Isaac marries Rebekah, Abraham remarries to Keturah and bear many children before he dies, leaving everything to Isaac (though he had given to his other sons in life). Ishmael has sons and lives hostile to/east of Isaac's decedents. Abraham dies.

God tells Isaac essentially the same thing he told his dad, "Follow my rules and be blessed". Following God's advice to avoid Egypt, Isaac goes to Gerar and to prevent the people from killing him to have his wife, claims she is her sister (Abraham did this twice before). The ruse is figured out by the king, but he places them under his protection. Isaac's planted crops grow well. The people of Gerar succumb to wealth envy and force Isaac away because he has become "too powerful". Isaac finds a new well to base himself on, but they claim ownership of it (despite him and his servants digging it!) and so he names it "dispute" and leaves to find a new well, Isaac finds another and the same thing happens and he names this one "opposition". Isaac and his servants find/dig a third well and is not bothered, he names this one "room". The people of Gerar, seeing that Isaac has well... God on his side, come and make peace. Isaac's servants dig a new well which becomes the still standing city of Beersheba.

Isaac, now old, nearly blind asks his older son Esau to go make him a sandwich hunt him some food, so that he can bless him. Isaac's wife Rebekah, hearing this, tells their younger son Jacob to go slaughter 2 of his goats and make food from them to get blessed. Jacob pretends to be his older brother and gets blessed (quite potently) instead. Esau returns and the two realize Jacob's ruse. Isaac gives Esau a blessing that is more prophecy than blessing and says he will serve his brother until he decides not to. Esau swears he will kill Jacob eventually so Rebekah tells Jacob to hide with her brother until Esau calms down.

Jacob and Esau grow rich and are forced to split up. There is then a really long description of their descendants.

Jacob, living in Canaan honors his youngest child Joseph (as he has had him despite old, he still had him) causing his older siblings to hate him. Joseph has a dream involving his siblings bowing down to him, causing them to hate him more. He then has another dream with the same apparent symbolism with the same result. His siblings beat him down, throw him in an (empty) water container and sell him to the descendants of Ishmael. Jacob is tricked into thinking an animal has killed Joseph, while he eventually gets sold to the captain of the Egyptian guard.

One of the brothers, Judah, goes and gets married, bearing 3 children (Er, Onan and Shelah). Er is killed by God for being wicked. God tells Onan to knock up his brother's wife to produce an heir, Onan avoids impregnating her and is killed for being an ass. Judah tells Tamar to go live with her father until Shelah is old enough, but reconsiders when he realizes Shelah may die as well. Tamar disguises herself as a hooker and Judah purchases her services (not realizing who she is) and gets her pregnant, while as payment she gets his amulet and staff as a deposit until he delivers a goat to her. Tamar leaves and keeps the deposit. Latter Tamar is accused of being a hooker and Judah says to have her burned, but Tamar uses the items to prove he was the father, and he retracts the execution order. Tamar has twins, Perez and Zerah.

The story returns to Joseph and the story reminds us of what happened to him before the story left him. God helps Joseph rise to the top of the servants in the household he is a servant is in and effectively becomes head of the household. The master's wife wants to sleep with him, but he refuses. The wife tries to rape Joseph and tricks the other servants (and latter master) to think it was the other-way around. Joseph goes to jail, but God has the warden make him effectively become the master of the jail. Two servants offend the king of Egypt and go the same jail as Joseph. They tell Joseph their dreams and Joseph tells them the cupbearer will be restored to his position when the Pharaoh calms down on his birthday in 3 days, but the baker will be impaled. Both turn out to be true, but the cupbearer forgets Joseph.

The Pharaoh has a dream and can't find anyone who can tell him what it means. The cupbearer remembers the Joseph and suggests the Pharaoh try him. Joseph tells the Pharaoh he can't interpret dreams, but God can. He tells him Egypt will have 7 years of great harvest, but then 7 years of famine. The pharaoh decides to stockpile part of the good harvest in response. As a reward Joseph is made the Pharaoh's 2nd in command and effective ruler. The food stored is beyond measure and Joseph has two children, Manasseh and Ephraim.

Jacob sends Joseph's siblings to buy grain in Egypt (except for Benjamin). Joseph recognizes the his brothers, but they do not, and pretends not to know them. Joseph asks where they are from and accuses them of being spies. Joseph says that he will keep one of them while the rest return and get proof of their claim (namely their youngest sibling, somehow) and gives them some grain (and secretly the silver they spent on it back). Reuben says it is God punishing them for what they did to Joseph (not aware that he can understand them without an interpreter) and they return to Jacob and tell him what has happened.

Jacob sends the brothers to buy more grain, having run out, but is reminded that they need Benjamin or they will be killed. They go with Benjamin and excess silver (wanting to return it). Joesph wants to talk to them at dinner and when informed of the silver, Joesph tells them the silver was a gift from God and he did get the payment. Joesph cries in his room upon seeing Benjamin and has him given extra portions at dinner.

Joesph plants a cup and more silver among the returning brother's grain in Benjamin's sack, and has a servant accuse them of theft. They brother's deny it and are told they will be serched and whoever has it will be made a slave. Benjamin is taken. The brothers recount what has happened.

Joesph revels himself and asks if dad is alive. He also tells them to fear not, as God has sent him to here to prepare for the famine. He tells them to bring their father and he will give them land in Egypt. Jacob is convinced they are telling the truth because of the riches he sent them with.

Jacob is told by God not to fear, and goes. Yet more family tree. Jacob goes to Joesph to get directions to their new land and says he is content with life upon seeing him.

Pharaoh tells Joesph that if any of his brother's are really talented at livestock management to have them work on his personal flock. Jacob and Pharaoh talk. The rest of Egypt has run out of money and trades their livestock for it, then their land and then themselves to the Pharaoh except for the priests (who were given food by the Pharaoh). Jacob is on his deathbed and ask to be buried in his own lands as per his dieing wish.


 * Adam and Eve Plot: The trope namer isn't exactly an example (being the first, not the last, man and woman), but the passengers of Noah's Ark are.
 * Brother-Sister Incest: Implied (who else is the mother of Cain and Seth's children? How do the animals on the Ark last more than 2 generations?).
 * Kissing Cousins: Every single relationship ever. Happens again with Noah's son's children.
 * Biblical Bad Guy: Cain.
 * But Liquor Is Quicker: Lot's daughters use this on him.
 * Cain and Abel: Duh.
 * Can't Hold His Liquor: Noah.
 * Moral Dissonance: Noah curses one of his sons and his decedents with slavery for reacting like like anyone who has found their father passed out drunk and naked.
 * Conveniently Precise Translation: Averted, Ishmael will be hostile to everyone... or he will live to the east of everyone.
 * Cool Boat: Noah's Ark has 3 decks, space for 2 every animal (6 in the case of birds), Noah, his sons and their wives and food for all of them.
 * Curse of Babel
 * Dub Induced Plot Hole: The age of the earth is never given in Hebrew, the figure given is a creation of the translation team of King James the 1st of England.
 * Doorstopper: It's only the first book in a collection of books
 * Flaming Sword: The Cherub wield such.
 * For the Lulz: Seems to be God's motive for separating the humans and their languages, or it's a test. Either way God isn't really clear why he does it.
 * Grandma, What Massive Hotness You Have!: Sarah is still considered beautiful by Abimelech (king of Gerar) at over 90 years old.
 * James Bondage: Lot
 * Half Human Hybrids: It is briefly mentioned that the "Sons of God" married among the "daughters of man", the results of these pairings become the Nephilim, who re noted as "heroes". "Sons of God" is assumed to mean angels by many (though it is unclear).
 * Heroic Blue Screen of Death: God briefly has one after seeing the Earth has become full of sin.
 * Restored My Faith in Humanity: Noah manages to be such a nice guy that God decides to spare him and his sons, letting them form the basis for humanity.
 * Humans Are Special: Before spreading man over the Earth and separating their languages, God notes that humans would be able to accomplish anything if they worked together.
 * Let's Split Up, Gang!: Lot and Abram take separate paths after they realize their combined herds can not survive if they forage on the same land. Happens again for the same reasons with Jacob and Esau.
 * Lucky Translation: "she shall be called 'woman', for she was taken out of man.". The pun on the similar sounding "woman" and "man" in Hewbrew work rather well in English thanks to the English woman.
 * Luxury Prison Cell: Joseph, despite being a prisoner, is effectively head of the jail thanks to God.
 * Meaningful Name: Actually brought up. Esau points out that Jacob means (figuratively) "he deceives" (who names there kid that?) when complaining that his blessing was stolen.
 * Meaningful Rename: When God allows Abham to have a child with his wife, he has him drop the name Abham (exalted father) to become Abraham (Father of many) and his wife from Sari (contentious) to Sarah (Princess).
 * Moral Event Horizon: The men of Sodom attempt to gang rape a pair of angels to show that they are indeed full of sin. Obviously its the "men" part that makes them wicked, not the "gang rape" part
 * I Got a Rock: Abel offers the best of his haul to God, Cain does not.
 * Innocent Fanservice Girl: "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame"
 * Offscreen Villainy: It isn't said why God finds Er wicked.
 * Opposite Sex Clone: Eve.
 * Parental Incest: Lot's daughters get him drunk and have sex with him. It's just as creepy as it sounds.
 * "Previously On...": Genesis 39:1 notes what happens 2 chapters ago.
 * Rule of Three: Abraham twice pretends to be his wife's brother to prevent from being killed by someone wanting to claim her, then Isaac does it with his wife.
 * Secret Test of Character: God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
 * Self-Made Man: Abram does this so that no one can say "I made Abram rich".
 * The Punishment: Given to Cain for creating murder.
 * Tower of Babel: Duh.
 * What Do You Mean Its Not Symbolic: Is the book literal or not? Don't ask.
 * Who Wants to Live Forever?: Cain is cursed to wander forever. If the "live forever" part comes from being a pre-great flood human (who are noted as living in excess of 900 years) or as part of the curse is unclear.