Full House/Funny

"Jesse: Joey, it's finally happened. He's cleaning liquid soap.
 * When Jesse and Joey find Danny just rubbing suds around at the sink:

Danny: Don't be silly, I am just cleaning my rubber gloves.

Joey: Danny, there is no shame in therapy."

"Jesse: Danny, I told you, just read! The! Instructions!
 * At the end of an episode that aired around Halloween 1989, D.J. and Stephanie have made up after the sibling conflict of the week. What's funny is they're dressed in certain costumes for a party, and when Danny sees them embracing he says: "Awwww, Batman hugging the Joker! Now that's the way the movie should have ended!"
 * When Danny, hyper from taste-testing coffee all day, is failing to get the cappuccino machine started the night Jesse's nightclub opens:

Danny: They're! In! Italian!"

"Jesse: (Dazed. Singing) Having my baby...
 * Stephanie: Just the wind? Just the wind?! It's never JUST THE WIND!
 * The ENTIRE episode where Becky goes into labor is a CMOF, especially when Jesse becomes delirious after having his appendix removed.

Becky: SHUT UP!

Jesse: (dazed) Thanks, Donny.

Danny: Close enough."

"Michelle: Everything went bananas!"
 * Also the entire episode "Secret Admirer," where Rusty sends a fake love letter to DJ. Hilarity Ensues.

"Comet: Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger."
 * When everyone's thoughts are heard...even Comets!

"Danny: Wait! Don't go in there! Move em! Move em! Move... [finds only Kimmy in the kitchen] Moving on up! To the eastside! To the deluxe apartment in the sky!"
 * And when Becky tried to tell Jesse she was pregnant through a game of Pictionary... and maybe the scene before that.
 * "Bicycle Thief"
 * Danny trying to stop Mrs. Caruthers from entering the kitchen where the stolen bikes are, not knowing the bikes are already upstairs. He ran to the kitchen before her...

"Steph: Guys, check this out! Three other pink bikes got swiped!
 * This dialogue:

Kimmy: That's why we're here, small fry!

Steph: How comforting, slim-jim."

"Steve: Little Ruthie Bell went in to get her very first library card, and some goon napped her bike. Says here said she lost her zest for reading.
 * Also this one:

Danny: She's zestless?!"

"D.J.: Look at this guy who took the Schultz's bike! He looks exactly like Uncle Je--
 * More hilarious, earlier, when Danny realized he stolen the girl's bike near the library, he worries she'll be traumatized to the point of being turned off by reading forever.
 * The police sketch of Uncle Jesse.

Danny: Uncle Seymour! Hey, he looks exactly like Uncle Seymour. If he weren't a priest in Athens, he would be a suspect. (whispering) Take these up to Uncle Seymour.

Steph: Who?

Danny: Just do it."

"Steph: What are these bikes doing here?
 * D.J., Steve, and Steph went up to Michelle's room to find Jesse and Joey with three pink bikes.

D.J.: You're Uncle Seymour!

Steve: I thought he was in Greece.

Jesse: (looking at his description) Doesn't look anything like me! The sideburns are totally unbalanced!"

"Danny: For the 100th time, I don't know anything!
 * Mrs. Caruthers "interrogating" Danny.

Mrs. Caruthers: I don't believe!

Danny: It's the truth, I tell ya!

Mrs. Caruthers: You meant to tell me... that Joey never mentioned me?"

"Silvio: I am ready to learn the family business. What do you do for job?
 * "Greek Week":

Danny: I have a talk show.

Silvio: Well, I will study hard, and when you die, I will take over.

Danny: I will never die."

"Danny: (Joey is stuck facing up) What are we looking at?
 * In "Play It Again, Jesse", Joey has a stiff neck throughout the episode.

Jesse: (Joey is stuck facing down) Did you lose something?

Joey: Yeah, the use of my neck."

"Michelle: She's gonna have a cow!
 * Steph accidentally spilled mustard on DJ's sweater she's wearing.

Steph: Tell me something I don't know!

Michelle: Yesterday, I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet."

"Michelle: Look, it fits me!
 * Joey got his neck fixed, he just has to not make sudden movements. Then, when Michelle comes wearing DJ's sweater which got shrunk in the washing machin...

Steph: Michelle!

Joey: (turns his head to the right) What?! Aah, I just threw my neck out again.

Joey (as Woodchuck): Way to go, stupid."

"Guy: What are you staring at?
 * An airport bar patron noticed Joey is staring at him.

Joey: I'm not staring, I just have a stiff neck.

Guy: Want me to adjust it for you?

Joey: I'll just adjust my chair. (turns his chair around)"

"Danny: [runs towards the water] Come back!
 * Later, Joey goes to the restroom and walked pass that guy, Joey covers his eyes.
 * In "Tanner Island", when they see their boat floating away.

[Jesse follows him]

Becky: You'll never catch that boat!

Jesse: I don't wanna catch the boat! I wanna catch Danny!"

"Steph: I think I saw an 800 number in the package.
 * The Clipboard of Fun keeps coming back to shore.
 * In "The Day of the Rhino":

Michelle: We don't have time to dial 800 numbers!"

"Michelle: He went that way chasing a humongous wiener!
 * The entirety of Incredibly Fantastic Discoveries in "The Prying Game".
 * "Comet's Excellent Adventure":
 * Michelle explaining where Comet ran away to.

Steph: Yeah right, with a real giant bun.

Michelle: You saw it too?

Michelle: Jesse said I could walk him and he ran away chasing a giant hot dog.

Steph: Would you stop with the stupid story already?

Michelle: I told you for the millionth, it's true!

DJ: Look, I don't care if he was chasing a giant fruit cup!

Michelle: Why would he chase a fruit cup? He likes hot dogs.

DJ: Whatever!"

"Jesse: Ho ho ho. [Jesse comes from behind the Santa] It's your last Christmas."
 * Jesse: "I should have known! The first rule of physics: idiots and electronics don't mix!"
 * After realizing he gave Michelle permission to walk Comet. "I'm an idiot." *a spark from an amplifier*
 * In "Danny's Home", Joey tries to sneak back inside. When he passes a Santa ornament...

"Jesse: [playing his guitar] She's a wo-man. No. She's a la-dy. No! She's a mu-cha-cha. [stops] Maybe she's a man."
 * At the beginning of "Jesse's Girl", Jesse tries to bash Joey's head with a bat. He denies this, claiming he heard a burglar break in.

""I know what you're gonna say. I'm wrong, you're right, I don't care!""
 * "Sisterly Love"
 * "Jealous!" "Thief!" "Jealous!" "Thief!"
 * "Stephanie Anne Judith." "Donna Jo Margaret."
 * DJ using the exercise bicycle while still angry at Steph. She's using it really fast.

"Joey: Where's a pen when you need one.
 * "A Pox in Our House"

[Steph throws a pen from her hiding place.]"

"Jesse: Ohhh! I could have sworn it was Lauren Bacall."
 * Steph tries to sneak out, but then Jesse watches her. Steph changes her voice to a high squeak and pretends to be a "friend named Carol".

"DJ: I can't believe you did that.
 * In "Mad Money", Danny tells Jesse, who plans to go on stage as an Elvis impersonator, the family won't laugh at him. Joey comes, looks at Jesse, and walks out laughing.
 * "Cutting It Close"

Jesse: Whatcha do?

DJ: (saying it for the fourth time) I can't believe you did that.

Steph: I can't believe you're still saying that!

DJ: [seeing Joey with a hair net and painted toenails] I believe she did that."

"Jesse: What's a matter? Ever seen a grown man eat a bowl of cereal before?
 * Broken-armed Jesse making a simple bowl of cereal.

Danny: Not like a Great Dane."

"Jesse: (throwing trash at Joey) YOU! ARE SO! IM-MATURE!"
 * In "Middle Age Crazy", Jesse and Joey are having a hard time coming up with a jingle. A frustrated Joey throws crumbled paper at Jesse who is on the phone. After getting off the phone:

"Steph: YOU CAN'T GET THE KEY? Let me at her!
 * In "Blast from the Past", Kimmy gets DJ and Steph stuck with magic handcuffs and can't get them out. So they have to wait for Kimmy's older brother to return while hiding this from everyone. They end up sleeping on the same bed. The next day, Kimmy tells them her brother won't be back for a while.

[everyone sees the handcuffs]

Danny: Kimmy, did you handcuff my daughters together?

Kimmy: Boy, nothing gets by you.

Kimmy: (after Jesse pulls a switcheroo) I'm stuck!

Danny: Boy, nothing gets by you."

"Michelle: I confess, I used your toothbrush to brush Comet's teeth!
 * In "Sisters in Crime", Danny begins interrogating Stephanie and Michelle as to why they are being extra greedy from DJ, and Michelle's confession of something else entirely and Danny's subsequent response are priceless.

Danny: Ugh!"

"Danny: I'll have my parole officer call your parol officer."
 * In "Fraternity Reunion":

"Michelle: Guess what... (gives back the cardboard star) Politeness Week is over! (grabs Steph's cupcake and ran)
 * Becky and Danny's commercial rehearsal in "Good News, Bad News".
 * In the episode "Working Girl", Polite Police Michelle asked Steph if she can have her cupcake. Steph appreciate her politeness, and politely said no.

Steph: (runs after her) How rude!"

"Kimmy: Are you calling me dumb?
 * Ginger the chimp spanks Jesse in the rear in "Too Much Monkey Business".
 * Kimmy and Steph constantly bicker in "The Devil Made Me Do It".

Steph: You're so dumb you don't know how dumb you are.

Kimmy: I know how dumb I am. You're the one who's dumb. D-U-M. Dumb.

DJ: Kimmy, there's a 'B'.

Kimmy: Where?!

Steph: I'm ordering a pizza. This could take months.

Kimmy: Years.

Steph: Centuries!

Kimmy: Infinity!

Steph: Double infinity!

Kimmy: Triple infinity..."

"Steph: We've been to know-where's-ville.
 * The look on Good!Michelle's face when Bad!Michelle says "Na na na na..." to her face.
 * "Come Fly With Me"
 * The look on the family's faces when they see DJ and Steve kiss.
 * Through the whole episode, Michelle says something dumb and keeps missing the point.
 * Talking to a cute boy:

Michelle: Is that where i got sick in the car?

Steph: (pushed Michelle to the chair) Hehe. Kids."

"Steph: (shaking hands) Stephanie Tanner. USA.
 * Greeting the kids on the plane:

Michelle: (shaking hands) Michelle Tanner. C-A-T.

Steph: Michelle!

Michelle: (shrug) That's all I can spell.

Michelle: Steph, do they have ice cream in New Zealand?

Steph: I don't know. I never been to New Zealand.

Michelle: Oh. But you think they might, right?

Steph: Who cares? We're going to jail!

Michelle: Oh, right. Do they have ice cream in jail?

Steph: (frustrated) Try to stay with me. We are looking at hard time!

Michelle: We'll be driving six-wide horses when she comes!

Kids: Hee-haw!

Michelle: We'll be driving six-wide horses when she comes!

Kids: Hee-haw!

Michelle: (to Steph) I think somebody for got to sing the "hee-haws".

Steph: When dad gets a hold of us, we'll be singing "we'll be grounded for life".

Michelle: We'll be grounded for life when he comes!

Kids: Hee-haw!

(Stephanie sighs in frustration)"

"Michelle: Bye Suzy!
 * Steph tells Michelle to pretend to be sad so Danny would feel sorry for them.

Steph: Michelle!

Michelle: (being "sad") I mean, bye Suzy.

[Steph's plan didn't work]

Michelle: I don't think they bought it."

"Steph: Anymore questions?
 * Grounded in their rooms.

Michelle: Yes, why do grown-ups have hair on their noses?

(I wonder if she's referring to Suzy the stewardess?)

DJ: I have a question. Are you nuts? Why did you get on a plane to New Zealand?

Michelle: That's two questions."

"Becky: Let's go call Aunt Ida.
 * Becky decided to give Danny and DJ space for them to talk:

Jesse: Why? (Becky grabs his ear) Ow!

Becky: You too. (Becky grabs Joey's ear)

Joey: Ow! I don't have an Aunt Ida!"

"Steph: Auckland, New Zealand?
 * Danny: "Coffee is just water with beans. But chocolate milk does a body good."
 * When Steph and Michelle learn where the plane is heading:

Michelle: Fourteen hours?

Both: (as the plane takes off) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"DJ: Excuse me for just one second. (runs over to the living room door) SHUT UP!! (comes back in and smiles nervously) I just had to clear my throat there.
 * "Super Bowl Fun Day"

College interviewer: What are you guys are doing here?

Bartender: It's because of Beavis and Butthead!

Jesse: Don't blame, Butt-Head. (points at Joey) It's all Beavis' fault."