Warp That Aesop (Darth Wiki)/Fanfic

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WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

'''Fan Fic Fun! Ready.... GO!'''


 * Stray: Sociopaths make surprisingly good boyfriends.
 * This also applies to Dexter.
 * Not so much Dexter any longer.
 * Sex after trauma is always good; even non-rape trauma. Because people who almost drowned, almost lost their heads/brains/hearts are horny.
 * Your lover's penis will heal all your pain.
 * Your lover's vagina will heal all your pain.
 * Your lover's orifice will heal all your pain.
 * The only real requirement in a relationship is that the guy is gorgeous, and good sex means it's a good relationship.
 * It isn't good sex unless at least one person involved can bifurcate another with their impossibly huge penis.
 * And it isn't great sex unless the aforementioned isn't the male involved.
 * No, no, it isn't good sex unless at least one person involved can bifurcate two others with their bifurcated impossibly huge penis.
 * Shinji and Warhammer 40 K:
 * Having multiple personalities since before you were a teenager doesn't make you mentally unstable, it makes you a  reality-shattering badass. And if those other personalities tell you to enslave others to your will because they'd be much happier that way, do so immediately. Heck, if you don't, some of your would-be victims will force it on you anyway.
 * The only way to prevent the end of the world is to inspire everyone, everywhere, to become fanatical religious zealots willing to annihilate all that opposes you by any means necessary.
 * Well if you lived in the Imperium of Man this fic would pretty much be the Saturday morning cartoon you watched as a kid.
 * My Immortal: Goths are horrible, horrible people. Also christians (example: Snape Snap) are all incompetent villains who side with people that masticate to naked 17 year old girls.
 * Wait ... they chew to naked 17 year old girls?
 * No, Olive, that's not what they meant.
 * Sexual tension can be released by masticating.
 * The Inevitable Undoing of William Murderface: it is possible for an odd-looking, self-loathing, Type A Tsundere to find love with someone who is attractive, kind-hearted, and sexually compatible, but only if the love interest in question has a Cartwright Curse.
 * Alternately, making persistent sexual advances on a lonely, emotionally distraught person with serious self-esteem issues is perfectly okay if you're the Uke in the relationship.
 * The villain (usually the other girl) will do epically evil things to get in the way of the designated couple. She will recruit the other people who have said "Who Would Ever Take Him Back?"
 * Nobody Dies: Rape is okay--hilarous, in fact--if you're a female sociopath.
 * Lube isn't necessary. Why would it be? Who needs lube?
 * Alternatively, anything can be used as lube- motor oil, foodstuffs, random items lying around- it'll be good.
 * Additionally, condoms are unnecessary, especially for anal sex. Cleaning up bodily fluids after intercourse is simply ridiculous: just go to bed or, better yet, go to the bathroom and have shower sex.
 * Anal sex is 100% clean and painless the first time around. Fecal matter? People in fanfiction don't poop, so you don't have to worry about that. If there is any pain whatsoever, it will always be "the good kind" of pain. It will last only a few seconds before giving way to untold pleasure beyond the character's wildest dreams.
 * Men can get pregnant. This is scientific fact. They will not be disturbed, they'll be happy to serve a wifely role.
 * Every relationship requires a dominant and a submissive member in order to work. There is no such thing as equal partnership, and there are no situations where couples trade-off or take turns being in charge. Sex only works if one party is a domineering overlord and the other one is a limp doormat.
 * Sailor Moon: American Kitsune: Killing homosexuals is right as long as they made you suffer.
 * Incest is really acceptable.
 * Becoming a furry with a cybernetic arm that possess any powers you want, thus putting Kamen Rider Decade, Megaman and the Gokaigers to shame makes you totally awesome and cool, even if you use your powers for killing gay people for no other reason than being bullied.
 * Women will flock to a person with a Story-Breaker Power and said guy with love them equally no question asked.
 * Who needs parents when you have a harem.
 * Naruto:
 * Remember Hinata the only way you'll get Naruto to notices you, is that wear virtually nothing.
 * Also Hinata can't exist if she's not stuttering or fainting every five seconds.
 * Also Hinata faint because she likes you Naruto.
 * It's okay to mock him if he doesn't notices.
 * Remember never defend yourself despite the fact that you're being blamed for something you never did. Don't forget to forgive them too.
 * Don't forget to hide our son heritage so my enemies won't gets since he isn't strong or old enough and don't forget to do nothing and cry while the said fellow villagers are beating him within an inch of his life.
 * Or arrive late after said beating.
 * Remember Sakura's a whore because she doesn't give up on Sasuke.
 * and Ino isn't despite the fact she just went after Naruto since he defeated Sasuke.
 * The Hokage is a glorified figurehead that does all the paperwork.
 * Dobe (Deadlast, Bottom Feeder) is an excellent nickname for someone.
 * Harry Potter and The Methods of Rationality: Following the Scientific Method turns you into a Jerkass.
 * Lots of shipping fanfic: It doesn't matter if you're too shy or awkward or whatever to confess your feelings to someone you care about, since eventually they'll fall for you anyway. This goes double if you happen to be gay.
 * Pattycakes: please pick one.
 * Cult leaders who take days to brainwash people are pussies; if you're serious about it, you can do it in an afternoon.
 * When it comes to having a child, mindraping an adult is easier than adoption or dating.
 * Destroying your closest friend's mind with psychological torture and drugs is the best decision you will ever make.
 * Pharmacists will gladly help you create a drug with abuse potential that makes GHB look like paracetamol. You probably won't even have to pay.
 * You'll never know who's into the same things that you are unless you randomly ask every adult in your town to try it.
 * People who share a kink with you will gladly help you run a teenager through a gauntlet of "tests" dotted with the risk of mindrape.
 * If someone doesn't grasp and agree with a philosophy you never bothered to explain clearly, it's OK to drug them in such a way that it permanently regresses them into an infant. This even applies to people in their early teens.
 * If you're into age play, you're a sick and twisted soul who will sink to any depths to indulge your fetish.
 * Don't pick up chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers.
 * Feature-length movies should not have 18 different plots.
 * The Last War: It's not Domestic Abuse if the hero does it.
 * It's better to have stayed with your abusive family, ignorant of your true heritage and never having met your true love, if that world is less than perfect.
 * Murder is okay if he was a Jerkass.
 * Redheads are just evil.
 * Pedophilia is acceptable when they are hot. Or from popular big name series.
 * Or if your name happens to be Orochimaru
 * Bromance is just an illusion to cover a latent homosexual lust.
 * It's okay to press your personal issues onto characters and depict them Out Of Character, your audience will love you to bits for it!
 * If you hate a character, it's perfectly okay to demonise them because they deserved it even if they didn't do anything!
 * Cupcakes: The most silly and goofy of your friends is actually a cold-blooded, Axe Crazy cannibal! So if they ever ask you to come over to their place, don't listen to them or they'll kill you!
 * Constant Temptation: You can be the most prolific killer in recent history and no one will care as long as you're nice to your boyfriend and the orphans.