Riff Trax/Funny

Since Riff Trax is essentially an Uncanceled Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the same cast as the later years of that show, funny moments are almost entirely guaranteed.

Batman Forever
"Later: "I wonder what Commissioner Gordon is wearing right now...""
 * This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by Doug Walker, his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
 * "Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
 * "Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
 * Doubles as a Shout-Out to The Critic's review of Batman and Robin.
 * "Why is no one undressing Comissioner Gordon with their eyes?"

"Two-Face: "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (throws coin into the air)
 * "How do you sneak acid into a court house?" "And isn't it a conflict of interest to have Batman on the jury?"
 * "Ronita, Roberto, and Robespierre" "And I'm Dick!"
 * "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman!" "I'm Batman, and so's my wife!"
 * "In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
 * [After Batman is buried under a pile of sand] And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
 * "Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
 * "I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
 * This:

Doug, Rob & Brian: "TAILS! TAILS! TAILS!""


 * "Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, they're not."
 * "Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the Electric Mayhem wasn't this electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
 * "Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, with a kumquat?"
 * "I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
 * "Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
 * "Wayne Manor..." "...he killed how many prostitutes this time?"
 * "Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
 * "This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
 * "Mom, why are we walking through David Lynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
 * "Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
 * "It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
 * [in a campy, lisping voice] Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
 * (On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
 * (In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
 * (After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair) Ugh... I miss the Joker.
 * "Hey, it's Two and A Half Men."
 * "Edward Nigma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman." "Who is this 'Adam West' he speaks of?"
 * "Uh... are they holding hands? "There's nothing ambiguous about it anymore..."
 * "Tommy Lee Jones IS Billy Dee Williams IN the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
 * "I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
 * The Running Gag about the Dawson Casting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
 * "I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
 * "HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"

Batman And Robin
"Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie!
 * A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...

Bill: Uh, hey guys, can he hear us?

Mike: Could be worse...he used to be able to see us, too.

Bill: Good point."

"Robin: I want a car!
 * I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.

Mike: I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough?

Robin: Chicks dig the car!

Batman: This is why Superman works alone.

Bill: Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome."

"Mike: (during the opening Lock and Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you?
 * "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
 * "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
 * "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, ?

Kevin: Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!"

"Poison Ivy: First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests...
 * And thus ends the Greek artifact / dinosaur / big freaking diamond exhibit.

Bill: She's gonna bomb AnthroCon?"

"Mad Scientist: I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain --

Mike: The gonads!"

"Poison Ivy: I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash*
 * "PHYSICS!"

Bill: Her PMS!"

"Kevin: It looks like a Dalek that went to Hot Topic."
 * About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:

"Kevin: Okay, spiky gloves?
 * (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not the TARDIS!!!
 * Don't forget this little exchange:

Bill: Check.

Kevin: Impractical heels?

Bill: Check.

Kevin: Gorgeous ass?

Bill: Check.

Kevin: And of course, the rubber nipp--hey!

Bill: Booo...Double Standard!"

"Bruce: Is it always my way or the highway?
 * "Quick Robin, he's heading into Narnia!" "We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie."
 * "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, Shark Repellant?"
 * Also, this bit:

Alfred: Why yes, actually.

Bill: PWNED!

Mike: Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned".

Bill: ...And how do you know that, Mike?

Mike: I-I was guessing...

Bill: Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED!

Mike: Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!"

"Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot.
 * "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
 * At the auction:

Bill: Oh bother!"

"Kevin: (as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight) If you want to view paradise~"
 * "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"


 * We simply can't forget this little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"

The Dark Knight
"Kevin: (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.
 * (Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)

Mike: (as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice) Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...

Kevin: (as Alfred) The empty one sir?

Mike: (as Nolte) Yeah, you got it.

Bill: Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!

(Mike and Kevin laugh)

Mike: .... You don't think?...

(all gasp)"

""His chin ass is obscene!"
 * Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."

"Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues."

"His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds.""

"Rachel: What are you doing?
 * During Batman's Hong Kong mission: "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."
 * "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
 * Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:

Bill: He's mine, damn it!"

"Joker Mook: Hands up, pretty boy!
 * When Bruce Wayne encounters one of Joker's thugs:

Bill (as Bruce takes down the Mook): Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!"

"Batman: "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!"
 * "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
 * Bill's overjoyed exclamation of Krankor! when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
 * From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:

Bill: "RAWR!""

"Kevin: "Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan."
 * When Harvey claims to be Batman:

Mike: "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?""

""What the hell is that?"
 * During the street chase:

"It's a windshield, Bob!"

As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!""

""You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'"
 * The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of Narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.

When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'""

"Joker: Do you know why I use a knife?
 * "...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
 * The Joker explaining his madness:

Mike (as Joker): Because soup tastes better when it's difficult."

"Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that."
 * When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:

"Harvey: "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
 * The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
 * When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering what kind of crazy director would film their movie backwards...
 * The Movie Referee.

[Whistle!]

Bill: "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down.""

"(Close up on the bomb countdown.))
 * During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.

Rachel: "Harvey, calm down."

''Will counting down from forty help?""

"Rachel: Can anybody hear me?!
 * Also:

Kevin: For the last time, NO!"

"Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it!
 * "During the scene on the ferries:

Mike: Ms. Cleo commands you!"

General

 * The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
"Bill: Bonesaw is ready....to be the father you never had"
 * After Hagrid breaks down the door

""Anyone else want to be a hero?""
 * "His jammies show that he means business."
 * "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
 * "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
 * "Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
 * After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville

"Harry: Excuse me...
 * Mike: WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!
 * Upon meeting Hagrid:

Bill: Could you please kill these horrible people?"

"Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory!"
 * Bill: Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!
 * The first Quidditch match:

"Mike: Mrowrning, class!"
 * When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:

"Mike: Sieg heil--I mean, up!"
 * "Join us, son... join ussss..."
 * Draco summoning his broomstick:

Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky! Mike: More like "gin in the teacher." "Ron: The queen will take me.
 * Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
 * During the life-size wizard chess game:

Bill: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael."

"Kevin: (as Voldemort's face) "What's going on? Are we winning? What's that smell?""
 * During the Finger-Poke of Doom scene:

"Bill: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying."
 * When Hermione is moping in the restroom

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
"Mike (as Uncle Vernon): * gasp* Bacon sandwiches, is that you?
 * "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
 * "Ron! Fred! George!" "Ringo!"
 * When Harry is escaping from the window

...

Mike: Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!

Kevin: (falling out the window) Tell sausage I love iiiiiit!"

"Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham."
 * On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:

"Filch: You've murdered my cat.
 * "Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
 * Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:

Mike: You shall become my new cat."

"Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!
 * (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
 * The disclaimers about Quidditch:

Kevin: Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!

Bill: Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!

Bill: Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, much worse."

"Hermione: Do you think he's all right?
 * (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
 * When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:

Ron: Who cares?

Mike: I came for blood!"

"Mike: (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo."
 * Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.

"Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see.
 * "Check, pleeease."
 * "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
 * "The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
 * As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.

Kevin: Oh no, he went, but his instructor was Mr. Bean."

"Kevin: (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged.
 * As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:

Bill: I should have laminated myself!"

"McGonagall: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets."
 * "Sweep the leg, Draco."
 * Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
 * Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as

Kevin: "Why? Because we can! Mwehehehehe!""

"Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!""
 * On the enchanted diary:

"*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
 * Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...

"Did he just die right there?""

"Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!""
 * Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."

"Mike: For God--you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
 * Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:

Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!""

"Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me?
 * The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.
 * After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:

Mike: Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!"

"Ron: Eat slugs!
 * Ron's curse:

Mike: Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not."

"Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?"
 * About Moaning Myrtle:

"Harry: "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent."
 * After the spider scene:

Mike: "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me.""

"Bill: "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentent serial killers instead.""
 * "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
 * Hagrid: "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
"Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes.
 * "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
 * "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
 * Mike's Dementor song.
 * The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
 * Bill: [as a student] Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
 * The boggart scene.

Mike: Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe."

"Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes!
 * The truth comes out:

Mike: (as Lupin) Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes."

"Hagrid: Nice and low...
 * When bowing to Buckbeak:

Mike: OH GOD, not THAT low!"

"Hermione: That felt good.
 * After Hermione punches Malfoy:

Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT!

Bill: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!"

Mike: I don't; sorry. "Kevin (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, change my name to Gordon, and commission!"
 * Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
 * During a shot of Sirius in prison:

"Mike (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''"
 * Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.

""Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better.""
 * While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
 * Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire
"Mike:"Ahh! Undead!"
 * When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:

Bill:"Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!"

Kevin:"Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!"

Mike:"I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!""

"Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned!
 * [Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]

Mike: By cursing you while your back is turned."

"Malfoy: "My father will hear of this!"
 * After the ferret episode:

Kevin: "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated".""

"Harry: "Myrtle..."
 * "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
 * Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
 * As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:

Bill: "Why aren't you in Hell?""

"Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...
 * Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
 * David Tenant appears on screen:

Mike: Who.

Kevin: I'm trying to remember, give me a second."

"Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute
 * Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.

Kevin: WE MUST ANNEX DAS SUDETENLAND!!!

Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.

Kevin: Like the Munich Agreement

Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice! He is...as of tonight...

Kevin: OUR NEW FUHRER!!!"

"Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.
 * Cedric Diggory's memorial service

Mike: Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby."

"Alastor Moody:YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...
 * Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's Class

Mike: YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH.THE LIMITS.OF HAMINESS!!!"

"Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.
 * Before the second task

Mike: There's a schedule for that does it?

Bill: Very rigorous."

"Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it!"
 * When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):

"Moody: Give us a curse.
 * During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:

Bill (as Ron): Uh...Sugartits?"

Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix
"Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs."
 * Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.

"Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-
 * [During Fudge's press interview]

Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?

Kevin: Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?

Mike: [as Fudge] Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school."

"Harry: LOOK AT ME!
 * Mike: The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
 * [In Dumbledore's office]

Bill: A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.

Harry: What's happening to me?

Kevin: A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan."

"Mike: [as Dumbledore] So Harry, how are your classes going?"
 * [After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]

"Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
 * "Good morning, evil grandma!"
 * This bit:

Mike: I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!"

"Mike: "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins.""
 * They have a lot of fun with Luna Lovegood.

"Mike: (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell.""
 * "If the kitchens ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school."
 * "I only eat moonbeams."
 * As Harry enters Umbridge's office:

"Mike:(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that...
 * Harry puts on his glasses

Kevin: MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!"

"Kevin: "Gah! Avada Kedavra!""
 * "And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
 * "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
 * When Fred and George suddenly aparate right next to Harry:


 * A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
"Mike: "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'""
 * Hermoine: "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."

"Mike: "The Harry Potter series summed up in five words.''"
 * Dumbledore: "Harry do as I say."

"Snape: Retrieve . . your . . wand.
 * Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:

'Mike: (as Snape): And. . do it. . quickly."


 * "Dragon.........balls?"
 * "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."

Raiders of the Lost Ark
"Dietrich: I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual.
 * A lot of it can be found here.
 * "Gestapo Pizza!"
 * "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
 * "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
 * "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again, shoot him!"
 * "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
 * "So it's one tug for I found it, two tugs for The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."
 * "Please, sir, that is our only horse!" "Cram it, Osama!" "That is our only means of bringing water to the village! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
 * "And thus, Al Qaeda is born."
 * "Indiana Jones, meet Dusseldorf Strauss!"
 * "Goinonbreaknowbye!"

Bill: I like my foreskin!"


 * "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
 * During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
 * "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, you're drunk!" "Daddy!"
 * "Its filled with Skittles!"
 * "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
 * "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
 * "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the Predator!"
 * "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!"
 * *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAG Ghh" "GO PACKERS!"
 * "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
"Indy: You're not from around here, are you?
 * As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
 * The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
 * Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
 * On Cate Blanchett's accent:

Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?

Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.

Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.

Mike Nelson: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan."

"Bill: Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!"
 * Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:

"Bill: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!"
 * Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
 * After the logic-and-physics raping "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin wisely observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
 * When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
 * After Indy pulls the classic (read: stupid) blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:

The Fellowship of the Ring
"Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
 * "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank--pack it in, boys."
 * During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:

Mike: But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim."

"Aragorn: I know what hunts you.
 * When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:

Mike: And his name is Fudd."

"Galadriel: I know what you saw.
 * During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:

Mike: You dirty little man."

"Frodo: You're late.
 * Gandalf's arrival:

Mike: And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore."

"Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.
 * This exchange:

Bill (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?"

"Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet..."
 * During a sweeping shot of The Shire:

Mike: Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic! "Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!""
 * Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.
 * Legolas' first appearance:


 * Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
 * One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."

The Two Towers
"Mike: Any girl whose ever worn a Sailor Moon costume at Comic Con knows exactly how he feels."
 * "They're gonna mess with the Rohan?!"
 * The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:

"Eomer: What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?
 * When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:

Mike: And shouldn't you be walking into a bar somewhere?"

"All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot."
 * Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
 * (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
 * "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
 * Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:

"All: (turning) Hey, look over there. (placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy."
 * Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:

"Mike (singing): And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving...
 * Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:

Kevin: Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews?

Mike: Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow.""

"Theoden: Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt."
 * "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
 * "Who leader of club made for you and me? Orc can't spell, but it Mickey Mouse."
 * About the aftermath of the impending battle:

Mike: Cows recowed!"

"Legolas: You look terrible.
 * Aragorn returns:

Mike: Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?"

"Sam: Will you not help him?
 * To Faramir:

Mike: Yes, I will not."

"Bill: The death of Hanson.
 * Theodred's death:

Kevin: Which one?

Bill: The one that looked like a girl and then turned ugly.

Kevin: Again, which one?"

"Bill: Hey, throw me a grape, I'll catch it in my mouth...what's that? ...Look out for what behind me?"
 * The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:


 * At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell bacon!"

The Matrix Trilogy
"Boss: You have a problem with authority--
 * When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:
 * When Mr. Anderson is being admonished by his boss:

Bill: No I don't! Go to hell!"

"Mr. Anderson: This is insane...!
 * When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:

Kevin: No no, the next two movies are insane; this one was somewhat rational."

"Mike: Amazing it doesn't impair his acting talent.
 * When Mr. Anderson gets his mouth sealed shut:

Bill: Oh, no! I have more to shave!"

"Morpheus: How did I beat you?
 * "We melt down Terminators to make our mirrors.
 * "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!! Short and stout."
 * During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:

Kevin: Quite soundly, thank you.

Morpheus: You think that's air your breathing?

Mike: Its wild rice."

"Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now...
 * Trying to discuss what The Matrix is...

Kevin: Okay, give it a try.

Mike: Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY...

Kevin: Right.

Mike: And we live in a bland, unsatisfying dream world...that's Linux-based...

Kevin: Uh-huh...

Mike: And Larry Fishburne offers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp...

Kevin: Right.

Mike: And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!

Kevin: I think you got it!

Mike: Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!

Kevin: That's The Matrix!"


 * "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but pornography, of all things, is still stuck in The Fifties?
 * "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"

"Mike: Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "Godfather's Syndrome" and let you down with number three in the trilogy...
 * Their introduction:
 * Their introduction:

Bill: Terminator!

Kevin: X-Men!

Bill: Shrek!

Kevin: Spider-Man!

Bill: Pirates of the Caribbean!

Mike: ...The Matrix was there, boldly flaunting convention, and sucking in Part Two!"

"Trinity: (on the phone) I'm in.
 * "TETSUO!!!"

Kevin: (mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy) You want what on your pizza?"

"Trinity: What is it?
 * "The passionate dialog crackles with Anakinian lust!"

Neo: ...I don't know.

Mike: (chuckles) A tower of insight, this one."

"Link: Where's my puss...
 * Link is returning home to his wife

'''[realizes that children are in the room]

Link: Eeeeeeeey...

'''[The riffers chuckle]

Cas:: C'mon kids, time to go.

Mike: [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!"

"Kevin Murphy: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter."
 * During the infamous dance scene/sex scene

... [Later] "Kevin Murphy: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter."

"Bane: Oh god!
 * When Smith starts cloning himself:

Agent Smith: Smith will suffice.

Mike: (imitating Smith) I love it when they set me up like that!

Kevin: I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.

(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)

Mike and Kevin: (both imitating Smith) My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!"

"Smith: Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant."
 * "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
 * "Pop goes the Agent~!"
 * "Big deal; Jackie Chan did this stuff drunk."

Bill: (imitating Smith) We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops.""

"Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog?
 * The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
 * This exchange:

Mike: I want a new universe!"

"Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it...
 * "The St. Valentine's Day Mass...ive failure!"
 * During the big fight in the parlor:

Bill: Aw, you really need to, strictly--

Mike: Here it is...I thought that it'd be nice to see a long Quidditch scene right now...(Kevin gasps)...or even, god help me, some pod-racing! (dissolves into anguished laughter)

Bill: There, there, Mike...

Kevin: It's okay, buddy.

Bill: Damn it, Matrix: Reloaded! See what you've done to Mike?!"

"Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
 * Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:

Bill: Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin."

"Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn!
 * During the highway chase scene:

Mike: David Cronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene."

"Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!"
 * Later:

"Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore!
 * And later still:

Kevin: You mean in terms of his stamina for masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes? Just to clarify?

Mike: ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...yeah, okay."

"(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"
 * "Laurence Fishburne fires his agent!"
 * Along the same lines:

(next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!""

"Kevin: Words wordswordswords words…words words words.
 * (sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
 * "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
 * "Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
 * (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
 * During Neo and Trinity's sex scene: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
 * Pretty much every reaction to the Architect's long-winded speech:

Mike: (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…No, don't encourage him!

Bill: Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) Gah! The guy's like a parrot in a cracker factory.

Kevin: That's right, folks, the ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER!

Kevin: The instruction manual for my snow blower is gripping compared to this clown!

Mike: Oh look, bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders.

Kevin: Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked!

Kevin: Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.

Bill: OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!

Kevin: Words words wordswordswords words words."

The Matrix Revolutions
"Bill: He's having a total eclipse of the heart!"
 * Lets get ready to RETCOOOONNN!!!
 * During Smith's Villainous Breakdown:

"All: (as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison): Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess..."
 * And then during his death:

"Bill: I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the hell out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames..."
 * Comenting on the music during the final battle:

""Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...IN that I want to drink hemlock and die.""
 * "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
 * "Remember guys, these movies are philosophical." 

"West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.
 * Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That against a bit part played by Cornell West:

Mike: Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness."

"Ow, ow, ow, OW!
 * During Trinity's death scene:

Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!

My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!

Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY LUNGS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!

And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE THING THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?!

It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!"

Spider-Man 2
"Reporter: But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them?
 * "Whooo! Yay ledge!"
 * "And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
 * "BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
 * Introducing the robotic arms.

Octavius: How right you are.

Bill: KILL HER, ARMS!"

"Bruce: "And you might want to..."
 * Bruce Campbell's cameo

Mike: "...Be as awesome as me.""

"Harry: "Dad, I thought you're..."
 * When an image of Norman Osborn appears in the mirror.

Willem Dafoe: "I'm in art film hell.""

Spider-Man 3
"Harry: I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!
 * During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:

Peter: Ooh!

Bill: The five-minute follow up of them shouting "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time."

"Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete!
 * During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:

Kevin: I sent you an email about it!"

"Peter: HARRY!
 * When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:

Kevin: I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!"

"Bill: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry."
 * A wonderful bit of Crosses the Line Twice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:

"Eddie: What the hell?!
 * After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:

Kevin: The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!"

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
"Mike: Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!"
 * When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit

"Mike: This is like we took the game Sim Earth, and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like Sim Earth.
 * On the rendering of the Genesis Effect

Kevin: Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!"

Star Trek: Generations
"Picard: Warp One, engage!
 * "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
 * Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.

Kevin: Go that way!"

"Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
 * "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"
 * "Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
 * The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.

Mike Nelson: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!

Kevin Murphy: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".

Mike Nelson: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.

Kevin Murphy: Click, buzz, whir.

Mike Nelson: Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re."


 * Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
 * Which could be considered a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.

Star Trek (2009)
"Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.
 * "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
 * "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
 * "The Kelvin is also known as the USS Red Shirt."
 * (Pretending to be baby Kirk:) "Wah... wahwah. Goo... googahgah."
 * This exchange:

Bill: No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!"

"Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!"
 * About the Romulans:

"Kirk (to Spock): Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to.
 * During Kirk's academic cheating trial:

Mike: Why did Heroes suck so bad after Season 1?"

"Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!"
 * As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:

"Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed.
 * At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:

Mike: ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!"

"Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu.
 * "She-Hulk is pleased!"
 * On the bridge, where we meet...

Mike (as George Takei): No, you're not."

"Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.
 * "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
 * "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
 * When Nero introduces himself to the Enterprise:

Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices): "Hi, Nero.""

"Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship."
 * On the drill landing scene:

Kevin: I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did."

"McCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!
 * "Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
 * After

Bill: No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack!

Kevin: (extremely gravelly) Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear!

Bill: There you go!"

"Kevin: Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of Twilight.
 * When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:

Mike: Ah, they packed him toilet paper--that was thoughtful."

"Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.
 * "What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
 * (in regards to the first appearance of ) "Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign; 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?"
 * "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
 * When Kirk and meet Scotty:

Bill: Meaning "I slept with his wife."


 * A little later*

Scotty: Are you from the future?

Kevin: Yes, but we pronounce it: "

"Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of."
 * "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
 * As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
 * When Kirk sees :

"Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk!"
 * Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
 * When the drill attacks San Francisco:

"Mike (as Spock): Nice.
 * "Well, I guess it's time to summon Lord Vader."
 * "Master Splinter?...Raphael?...anybody?"
 * "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
 * "Backstreet's back, alright!"
 * "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
 * When victory is achieved:

Kevin (as Kirk): Nice.

Bill (as Sulu): Nice.

Mike (as Chekov): Neee-YIIIIIce."

"Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'?
 * At the end:

Mike (as Scotty): Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!"


 * "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."

Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace
"Qui-Gon: Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan.
 * The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:

Obi-Wan: Yes, master.

Mike: But the screenplay! I sense disaster!"

"Jar Jar: We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that).
 * Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:

Mike: Look, GO TO HELL."

"Jar Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME!
 * And this one:

Kevin: Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up."

"Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character."
 * Kevin actually vomits for five minutes while Jar-Jar talks.
 * One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.

"Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.
 * And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:

Mike: Really?

Kevin: Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.

Mike: I see, so, he bugs your soul?

Kevin: Actually, yes."

"Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
 * This exchange:

Mike: Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that."

"Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?"
 * Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
 * Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:

"Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot.
 * This exchange:

Kevin: Must've been a misprint in the First Folio edition."

"Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple."
 * [as a battle droid] ""
 * The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
 * "Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
 * On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:

"Kevin: Stop tonguing my fruit!"
 * On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.

Star Wars II: Attack Of The Clones
"Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
 * This exchange:

Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!"

"Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants.
 * This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:

Mike: OH! (dry-heaving) OH! (gagging) WHY, Kevin?!

Kevin: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?

Mike: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants..."

"Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete."
 * When Anakin kisses Padme:

"Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law."
 * As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.

"Mike: The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!"
 * After one of the "wittier" lines:

"Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?
 * This exchange:

Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.

Mike: Ah. And who's winning?

Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox."

"Yoda: Anakin is in pain...terrible pain...
 * After Anakin finds his dead mother:

Mike: Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?!

(Wipe Cut away)

Mike: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!"

"Padme: I love you.
 * Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:

Mike: Not as much as the water."

"Kevin: Nuclear silly-string!"
 * When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:

"Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people!"
 * Later...

"(Shot of the Clone Army)
 * The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
 * Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:

Kevin: Have you ever seen something more of an affront to all that is holy?!?

(Wipe Cut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.)

Kevin: Except, you know, the last time we saw these two."

"Chad Vader: My brother was a puss."
 * And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin/Vader hates sand.
 * After a scene featuring much whining from Anakin (I forget which one)

Star Wars III: Revenge Of The Sith
"Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
 * [During the scrolling letters]

Mike: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. Here, have TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS!

Bill: Oh, much obliged."

"Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
 * Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:

Mike: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.

Kevin: (screams) No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!

Mike: Here, breath into this paper bag."

"Bill: [during the opening Battle of Coruscant] Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!"
 * Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:

"Yoda: I hope right you are.
 * This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:

Michael J. Nelson [as Yoda]: Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout.

Kevin Murphy: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.

Bill Corbett: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.

Michael J. Nelson: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me."

"Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi
 * This exchange:

Mike: That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!"

"Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!
 * This exchange:

Bill: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!"

"Bill: I have had it with these motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!"
 * As Mace Windu:

"Bland?"
 * Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.

"Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett--
 * On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:

Mike: --then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones."

"Palpatine: NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE!
 * This exchange:

Bill: NO! I don't wanna go to tha big place!"

"Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.
 * On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:

Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor."

"Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it."
 * Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:

"Kevin Murphy: (as Tarkin) Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
 * As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:

Bill: (as Vader) So, where are the ladies on this ship?

Mike: (as Palpatine) Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.

Bill: (as Vader) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kevin: Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted."

"THIS! IS! THE TEDDY BEAR PICNIC!"
 * When the Wookies are preparing to charge:

"I want a muffin."
 * Any and all Palpatine Old Man jokes.

"Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant.
 * The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
 * This:

Bill: I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around."

"Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike."
 * "I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
 * The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan.
 * Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope
"C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.
 * "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
 * "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
 * "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
 * "It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
 * "....when did we let an American in?"
 * "Can't we have just one nice meal together?"
 * "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
 * "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
 * "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
 * One of the most callous and hilarious one-liners in the entire series riff:

Luke: Hello.

Kevin: (as R2D2) I stood next to your mother as she died."


 * Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
 * Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.

Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
"Kevin: Look out, it's a probe droid. Don't let it see your ass!"
 * "Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
 * On the probe droid on Hoth:

"Kevin: (as Chewie) Pwned!
 * When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.

Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball.

Kevin: (as Chewie) Don't mind if I do, skin tube!"

"Bill: (as Leia) Now, if you don't mind, I have to go make out with my Dad."
 * After Leia kisses Luke:


 * "A KLANSMAN!"
 * "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
 * "Lando?" "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"
 * "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
 * "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi
"Bill: You Imperial slut!"
 * Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
 * "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
 * "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
 * "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
 * "My God, they're eating them."
 * "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
 * Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.

"Emperor: The Alliance will die. As will your friends.
 * [Watching the rebels being massacred outside the Death Star]

Mike: Ron, Hermione, Merry, Pippin, Bumblebee, all of them!"

""There it is, the outfit that singlehandedly makes Comic Con bearable."
 * "And now they're visited by Porkins the White."
 * "It's a trap!" "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
 * "Fifty thousand, no less." "What, do I look like I'm made of money?" "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!" "WHO SAID THAT?!"
 * On the famous Leia gold bikini:

"And occasionally much, much worse."

"You saw that guy too, huh?""

The Star Wars Holiday Special
"Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family!
 * During the intro:

Mike: And many a scream yourself awake nightmare!"

"Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.
 * When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:

Mike: What I meant to say is, "RUN, it's Chewbacca's family!""

"(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)
 * During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a Crowning Moment of Funny:

Bill: Well, it was inevitable. Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out. This is it!

Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste.

Bill: Good point.

(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)

Bill: (sarcastic) Wookies love this.

Kevin: Like his single leather boot there. (pause) This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (Beat) Explains the smile, y'know.

(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.)

Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.

(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)

Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.

Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?

Bill: Music to go mad by!

Mike: (on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life.

Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.

Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?

Bill: ...yes.

Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"

Bill: Kinda kill the moment. (a few seconds pass) I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.

Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!

Bill: No sirree.

Mike: (exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?!

Bill: (noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!

Kevin: (as the lead acrobat) And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!

Mike: (as Malla) Would you turn off that stupid video game?!

Bill: (as Lumpy) It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!"

"Bill: Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry, and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?
 * During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:

Kevin: (horrified) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?

Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!"

"Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray."
 * While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":

"Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten..."
 * And later:

"Mike: (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!"
 * When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:

"Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire?
 * Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:

Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!"

"Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!"
 * Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
 * Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.

"Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right?
 * This exchange:

Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (breaking sound is heard), and it has more devotees than many major religions.

Bill: Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole that broke Kevin's mic!"

"Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
 * During one commercial bumper:

Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!"

"Leia: That one day we'll be free…
 * This little addition to Princess Leia's song:

Mike: (as Leia) "To mouth-kiss our siblings with impunity!""

"C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it!
 * During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:

Bill: Then tonight happened."

"Ackmina: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! You've got to GO now!
 * When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.

Bill: THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!"

"Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special."
 * During a CBS newsbreak:

"Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots."
 * Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
 * After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:

"Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?"
 * When the first commercial appears.

"Mike: (as lady) What the hell are you, tobacco?!"
 * The Fruit of the Loom commercial:

Transformers
"Sam: He's gonna kill me!
 * When the Popeye robot is after Sam:

The robot pulls his pants down

Kevin: I think he has something else in mind.."

"Kevin: Mr. Anderson...
 * When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and the various agents pile out...

Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...

Mike: ...MR. Anderson...

Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...

Kevin: ...MIS-TER Anderson..."

"Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here.
 * When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:

Mike: If we really put our minds to it, people could die here."


 * The Decepticon role call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.

Revenge of the Fallen
""God is a bunch of robots!""
 * The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:

""I'm free! I'm finally free!""
 * Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.

"Mike: Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars.
 * Bill General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
 * On the appearance of the twins.

Mudflap: That hurt, man.

Skids: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.

Mike: I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2."

"Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem."
 * When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.

"Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...
 * During the opening:

Bill: Hey take that back or I'll kill you!"


 * Everybody Shea!
 * Wawawawabubububububbababababababa!
 * Nonononononon!

Dark of the Moon
"Mike: "Arise, Decepticons! Starchunk! Thunderbucket! Slaptimus! Bughunt! Snaketocopter! And Mortimer W. Clankitybritches!""
 * Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.

Twilight
"Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to Riff Trax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.
 * Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:

Bill: Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, Twilight, is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! Kevin.

Kevin: I-I-I never denied their sparkliness, Bill, we just happen to disagree very, very strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their inner thighs sparkly? These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them.

Bill: Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.

Kevin: (gasps) How dare you, sir?!

Bill: I dare!

Kevin: My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are renowned, and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!

Bill: No, shame on you!

Kevin: No, shame on-!

Mike: Okay, o-okay, okay."

"Bella: And...this will be a good thing...
 * Just before the opening credits:

Mike: ...like Hot Topic!

Bella: ...I think.

Mike: But what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!"

"Girl: ...we're talking Olympic sized!
 * "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit right in driving Fred Sanford's truck!
 * In the cafeteria:

Mike: High school girls discussing wang sizes; we've officially hit rock bottom, gentlemen.

Kevin: Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!"

"Edward: No one will believe you!
 * "Llllllllllllllllllllllladies?"
 * "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
 * "THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!"
 * "The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!
 * "It's hard to look Badass posing next to a Volvo."

Mike: ...quoting directly from there."

"Edward: Say it...
 * Kevin's version of Edwards song to Bella.
 * "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"
 * "It's fun being eternally damned!"
 * When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:

Kevin: Alright, you're a total homo!

Bill: That's not what I meant!

Edward: Out loud...

Mike: Okay, you're a thorough-going douche...

Bill: No! You're not doing it right!

Mike: A tool?

Bill: NO!

Bella: Vampire...

Kevin: Close; I'm a metropire!

Edward: Are you afraid?

Mike: Seriously...I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous..."

"Mike: You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos (sic), I got Lego Star Wars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion Beeonicles (sic) too..."
 * Bella is visiting the Cullens

"Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
 * "Vampires keep themselves harnessed to the ceilings at all times in case a production of Peter Pan breaks out."
 * "Is there a production of Peter Pan? Because we're ready!"
 * "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
 * The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
 * Cafeteria scene:

Mike: And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm."

"Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... [THUNK] Ow! You hit me with a phone book!
 * After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:

Kevin: Yep."

"Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve?
 * When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:

Bill: Oh, any old time, Mike.

Kevin: I'm surprised you haven't done it by now!"

"Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right?
 * Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
 * "Typical night at Jack Nicholson's house, circa 1975."
 * During the...well, rapidly changing scene:

Mike: No, that's the movie.

Kevin: So...you guys also see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?

Mike: No...

Bill: Wish I did, though; that sounds great!"

"Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.
 * Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.

Mike (as Sheriff): ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse."


 * Humming "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.

Twilight: New Moon
"Mike: And we're ba--
 * As the movie opens...

Bill: TEAM JACOB!

Mike: (disgruntled) COULD you please...?"

"Bella: It's a little crazy...
 * Bill's epic Cluster F-Bomb in the opening sequence.
 * Bella has a gift for Jacob:

Bill (as Bella): It's a statue of General Custer!"

"Alice: It's just a little...blood.
 * This exchange:

Mike (as Bella): Well it was a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery."

""Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' alive, not stayin alive! Ha, ha, ha, not stayin' ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!"
 * (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
 * During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:

"Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered."
 * As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...

"Bill: The High Council of GAYness will see you now!
 * Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him

Mike and Kevin: (effeminate groaning and moaning)"

"Edward: (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me.
 * Early on...

Mike, Bill, and Kevin: (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!"

"Kevin: Aaaaaannnd
 * When Jacob first removes his shirt

All three: Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!

Mike: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!

Bill: (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story."

"Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination."
 * Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:

"Bella: [to Jacob] I do love you.
 * The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:

Bill: [incredulous] Sh-she does!?

Mike: [through laughter] She's not a stable girl."

"I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts!
 * Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
 * Cliff-diving:

I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts!

I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!"

"Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad."
 * And when Bella goes cliff-diving:

Twilight: Eclipse
"Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face.

Kevin (As Charlie): Ugh, you guys went to see "Face Punch" again, didn't you?"

"Bella:How do you know so much about this?
 * "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
 * Jasper flashbacking

Mike: Read the Twilight books, they blew.

Jasper: I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.

Bill:I was born a poor black child"

"Kevin (as Charlie): ...[takes a swig from his beer] Work your dark magic, booze."
 * Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.

"Bella: Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin.
 * Continuing the Running Gag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
 * Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
 * [During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]

Charlie: Daaah-d-d-duh, okay!

Kevin: [laughs] Dad had a Chandler attack.

Bill: Could my daughter BE anymore of a virgin?!"

"Kevin: Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!"
 * The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
 * "Theeeres a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy" "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
 * To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:

"Edward: It has to be the Volturi.
 * Who's the bad guy?

Bill: The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?"

"Kevin: Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!"
 * Bella macks on Edward:

"Edward: Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts?
 * As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:

Kevin: I'm tired of all the Glee spoilers!"

"A vampire: Don't worry about it.
 * Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
 * And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
 * A hilarious Shout-Out to The Room:

Bill: Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too."

"Bella: [to Edward] This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.
 * Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.

Kevin: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!

Bella: It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.

Mike: ...What the holy hell does that mean?"

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1
"What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!"
 * Before the riff was even released the trio did a Rifftrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
 * Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
 * "We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
 * Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
 * Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
 * "The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
 * On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
 * As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
 * Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
 * "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."

"Carlisle: We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible.
 * Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
 * "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
 * This insight into Meyer's writing:

Bill: It's like someone's making up the rules as she goes."

300
"Leonidas: What message do you bring?
 * When the Persian messenger arrives:

Persian Messenger: Earth and water.

Mike: So...mud.

Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water?

Bill: Well, I lost some of the message along the way..."

"Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA!
 * When Leonidas dispatches the Persian messenger's party, and decide to run the THIS! IS! SPARTA! gag straight into the ground:

Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!"

Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!"

Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal--

Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this?

Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS! 'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!"

Kevin: Wow!

Mike: Wow, you pulled it out! Nicely done!"

"Son: Um, Dad, why are you Scottish?"
 * Leonidas sitting down next to his son after a sparring session, "Hey, wanna beer, kid?"

"Leonidas: Submission.
 * When Leonidas meets with the Persian messenger:

Mike: That would be a great name for a Muslim rock band."

"General Guy: ...Sons to carry on their name.
 * "Jog, men! Jog casually into battle! JOG!!!"
 * (seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
 * When the 300 are preparing to leave:

Bill: Though Johnson's son may not be the marrying type, if you know what I mean.

Mike: He's considering moving to Athens, if you catch my drift.

Kevin: We think he may be a homosexual, if you can read between the lines."

"Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history."
 * After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:

"Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense...
 * "Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
 * "Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree --it was fine the way it was."
 * "March Of The Penguins had less marching!!"
 * Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:

Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear...

Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)"

"Leonidas: You are as generous...as you are...
 * And later in that scene:

Mike: Gay.

Leonidas: ...divine...

Bill: Oh, he is divine~

Leonidas: Such an offer, only a madman would refuse.

Mike: (in a bad Scottish accent) And guess what? I forgot me thorazine today!"

"Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do.
 * "Muffin out your chests, men!"
 * "Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
 * (imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
 * During one of the many battle scenes:

Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do.

Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do.

Bill: What we were shaved to do."

"Kevin: Okay, so they're really pre-ninja ninjas.
 * And in another battle:

Mike: In pre-kabuki kabuki masks.

Bill: And using pre-samurai samurai swords."

"Delios: (narrating) When muscle failed, they turned to their magic...
 * When they start throwing bombs at the Spartans:

Bill: To their Ku Klux Pimps!"

"Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been The Importance of Being Earnest."
 * "Alright, we're finally here. The movie has finally taken us quite literally to hell."

"Disembaudio:
 * When the evil senator essentially rapes Queen Gorgo:

Bill: No-no, no, no--

Disembaudio:

Kevin: No, Disembaudio--

Disembaudio:"

"Delios: The deadliest fighting force in all of Asia....
 * "Kneel before the soundtrack!! SUBMIT TO IT!!!!!"
 * Also referring to the music: "March, gentlemen, march to the music of Nine Daktylos Nails!
 * The Immortals approach.

Kevin: The Russian vollyball team?"

"Mike: HAM ALERT! HAM ALERT!!! (imitates klaxon)"
 * During Xerxes' rebuttal to Leonidas turning down his offer to submit to Persia's will:

"Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long...
 * Right before all the Spartans get killed:

Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped..."

"Kevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him...
 * After Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes

(The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne)

Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!"

Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH! Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
 * The Slo-mostrians are coming!
 * Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?!
 * "Remember, only you can prevent sickly babies from diluting the strength of our race! Freeedooom!"

Alien
""I've got a little alien in me,
 * Kevin theorizes if the music had been done by Randy Newman instead:

It's as busy as a little bee.

It's gonna be my dinner guest

When it busts out of my chest,

Because I've got a little alien in me.""

Avatar
"Grace: Who'd you expect, numb nuts?

Bill: Thoughtful nickname for a guy who is crippled from the waist down."

"Mike: This how it is going to feel like for anyone who dresses as a sexy Na'Vi at Comic-Con this year.
 * The scene where Jack tries to keep the doglike creatures away with a torch.

Kevin: Hey, now! Don't try to talk me out of it!

Bill: Gungan! Kill it!

Kevin: Meesa... senet... tar...

Bill (whisper): Kill it more!"

"Soldier: Yee-ha, baby! Get some!
 * During the destruction of the Home Tree

Bill: Did I just tell a tree to get some? Man, I need shore leave."

"Mike: In a nice, clean hospital with a crack surgical team? Oh, I guess this is good too."
 * Jack: Look where we are, Grace.

"Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case..."
 * Bill: Come my peaceful brethren, LET'S KILL THEM ALL!
 * Kevin: Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat? Wish that my junk was as big as my feet. Doctor Manhattan's got nothing on me in PANDORA!
 * Mike's "Robot Knife Fight" song.
 * After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:

"Bill: Poopin in da Huggies, eatin da strained peas!"
 * Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.

"Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time.
 * The very last joke:
 * After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:

Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit."

"Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides.
 * The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
 * After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.

Mike (as Neytiri): -she's an amoral psychopath."

Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval. "Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game.
 * Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses.
 * Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in Rifftrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:

Bill: Wow.

Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one.

Kevin: I try."

"Quaritch: Oh, yeah. "Breathing". I suppose some of you pussies need to do that..."
 * Any reference to Quaritch's supreme Badass-itude.

Battlefield Earth
"Bill: Psssh. 3000. What has the year 3000 ever done for us?"
 * During the Opening Scroll:

"Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?!
 * "I used to like the color blue. Now it's dead to me. Cram it, Smurfs. Piss off, ocean. Screw you, sky."
 * During the final air battle:

Kevin: Yes, Mike.

Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots?

Bill: Yes, Mike.

Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats?

Kevin: Yes, Mike.

Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?!

Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat)...I think you just did."

"Mike: They did it! Those plucky little Hobbits destroyed The Ring!
 * And soon after that fight...

Kevin: Uh, Mike? We're not in--

Bill: Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh...he's in a better place now."

"Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME...
 * "You know, this movie seems kind of silly."
 * Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.

(the guys start cracking up)

Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES!

Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?"

"Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years.
 * This exchange:

Bill: Right.

Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days.

Bill: Right again.

Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology?

Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan."

Beowulf
"Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken.
 * The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
 * During the battle with Grendel:

Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling.

Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs."

"Mike: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!""
 * (upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:)

"Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift."
 * (during a massively long zoom-out from the camera):

"Mike: (upon seeing Malkovich) GAH! A creepy, hollow-eyed John Malkovich!...In other words, John Malkovich."
 * Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:

"Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature!
 * And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:

Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich.

Kevin and Bill: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Mike: To quote one Mr. Kevin Costner on a similar occasion, let's see if I can remember this correctly...(clears throat, says the following line without an ounce of emotion) My boat."
 * In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:

"Beowulf: They were great warriors.
 * At the burial of some fellow soldiers:

Kevin: No, they were Geat warriors.

Wiglaf: They died a foul death.

Beowulf: They were murdered by a foul creature from the depths of Hell.

Bill: Right, Crispin Glover."

Birdemic: Shock and Terror
"Bill: (as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hi, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business!
 * The guys start noticing a similar similarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.

Mike: (as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hello darkness my old friend. Hahahaha!"

"Kevin: Help, it's a strangely localized forest fire!
 * The spontaneous, ahem, "forest fire":

Bill: With small pinpoint blazes that are not spreading in the least! Help!

Mike: And which are handily contained to tiny patches off the road itself making safe passage quite easy! Help!

(later)

Kevin: It's not a forest fire. It's a bunch of Buddhist monk chipmunks doing a simultaneous self-immolation to protest!

Bill: To protest global warming?

Kevin: No, this movie!"

"Mike: We're going to make this look good in post(-production) right?
 * Kevin: "Sadly, the only inconvenient truth was in Rod's pants."
 * Bill's Cluster F-Bomb during the credits at the cast, filled with censor bleeps, followed by Mike when Kevin brings up spruce bark beetles.
 * During an exceptionally bad bit of Special Effect Failure.

Bill: The hell is post? Keep flailing!"

"Mike (as Sam the Eagle): Death to weirdos!
 * After an eagle manages to divebomb a filling station.

Kevin (as another eagle): Sam! Noooooooooo!"

"Rod: Watch football. Especially the 49ers. Also, part-times Eagles fan.
 * The guys have fun with the Blind Idiot Translation script:

Mike: (as Rod) Hang on. I said "part-times Eagles fan."

Kevin: (as Nyugen) Keep rolling!"

"Rod: You're right, he is cute. So, you're a cats lover.
 * Then:

Bill: (as Rod) Hold on. I said "cats lover".

Kevin: (as Nyugen) Keep rolling!"

"Nathalie's Mom: Look, keep me... (stumbles badly on the dialog) uh, er, eh, you... know, keep me informed!
 * In one particularly bad example of Nyugen refusing to ever do a second take:

Kevin: (as Mom) Look, I screwed up the line.

Bill: (as Nyugen) Keep rolling!

Kevin: (as Mom) But it was really bad!

Bill: (as Nyugen) KEEP ROLLING!"

"Executive: "Is there a patent?"
 * One word: "Slrpnls." Nobody knows just what a slrpnl is.

Rod: "Yes; Mass Solar owns the patent to this technology."

Kevin: "And, what are you calling them again?"

Mike: "Slrpnls."

Kevin: "I'm...not...?"

Mike: "Slrpnls!"

Kevin: "Perhaps if you slowed down?"

Mike: "Sldwnslrpnls?""

The Bourne Identity
"Bill: Guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! I have a right to remain--hey, come back here, me! STOP ME!"
 * After Jason has knocked out two policemen

"Bill: AHA, I've ESCAPED! ...Oh, that was dumb!"
 * "I hope there's a can on this floor. I've got more gas than the Homer Simpson balloon."
 * "Well, apparently I'm a Euro-dick who's too good to answer my own door!"
 * When Castel jumps out of the apartment window


 * "Eamon's starting to breathe on the windows and write dirty words."
 * "Dude, you shot my ween! That's just not cool!"
 * "I was LYING about my ween, for you see, I do not have one!"

Casino Royale
"Mike: A GUINEA FOWL! Oh wait, it's just Daniel Craig."
 * "Welcome back to the finals of Olympic Open Field Tag. Daniel Craig is currently 'It,' but may not be for long."
 * The random yet hilarious reaction to seeing Daniel Craig's face in the opening credits.

"Kevin: (as Bond) Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!"
 * "Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
 * BOND SMASH!
 * ENGLISH GUY!
 * "The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
 * "Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
 * After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:

"Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle--
 * "Finally, he's got some time for Second Life--he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
 * "I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
 * "So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
 * When the "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:

Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world--

Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo--

Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey!

Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!"

"Mike: "Hit me!
 * Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
 * Kevin singing the James Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
 * (As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
 * Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:

Kevin: "Sir, you can't do that!"

Mike: "Double down!"

Kevin: "Sir, that's Blackjack!"

Mike: "Bicycle!"

Kevin: "Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!""

"Vesper (whispering): You can have me anywhere.
 * "Mr. Bond, I have a message for you from a Mr. Le Chiffre. It reads, 'Mr. Bond, your missing ten million dollars has been found, quote: "somewhere in my huge pile of money" and you can pick it up at "my butt." Burn, burn, ROFTLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
 * ...This:

Mike (as Bond, rather gleefully): Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?"

"Mike: * whistles "My Heart Will Go On"*
 * "It's been six minutes and we haven't done it--I wonder if he's impotent..."
 * "The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
 * During the :

Kevin: If you break out into an ode to Celine Dion, I will give you the Le Chiffre treatment with your own microphone."

Cloverfield
"Mike: You're about an hour late, monster.
 * Our first introduction to the monster:

Kevin: We're only 18 minutes in, Mike.

Mike: I stand by my statement."

"Kevin: Ms. Liberty! Over here, Ms Liberty!
 * When the citizens take pictures of the fallen head of the Statue of Liberty:

Mike: Ms. Liberty, is it true you're parting with Mickey Rourke?"

"Mike: Oh, zoinks! Let's get out of here, Scooby!"
 * "Then again, the upside to destroying New York...no more David Blaine."
 * "Wow, you're right! Destroy away, monster! Look for a smug guy with a deck of cards."
 * While the protagonists are running to the subway station:

"Mike: The Kool-Aid man did this. I'd recognize his work anywhere.
 * As the protagonists venture into a wrecked building to find their friend:

Bill (as Kool-Aid man): OH YEEAAAH!!"

"* In unison* "His name is Robert Hawkins!""
 * "My name is Robert Hawkins..."

"Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: Sandy Cheeks is dead!"
 * The camera is focused on a set of TVs in a radio store, with one of them playing an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants

The Curse of Bigfoot
"Bill: He looks like a police sketch of himself."
 * When a 70's, shaggy-haired, small-mustachioed, clueless logger comes on camera:

Daredevil

 * "I would seek justice, one way or another. I would become Batman! Until some rich idiot in Gotham city sued me for naming rights..."
 * "I'm gonna get so, so naked, and then I'm gonna sit my fat bubbly ass right on Affleck's head!"

Drag Me To Hell

 * "Stop playing Wii Voodoo and help my son!"

Eragon
"Kevin: Melon?
 * In the beginning, when Ayra is magically transporting Saphira's egg.

The egg vanishes in a burst of light

Kevin: Magic melon!"

"Roran: Hail Eragon, the mighty hunter!
 * The Riffers constantly pointing out how Eragon's family members are never introduced properly.

Mike: Hail sweaty guy who kinda looks like me."

"Kevin: So, why does he feel the need to keep this from his wrestling parter and Hat Guy. You know, the one with the hat?
 * Later

Mike: Well, clearly because that's a blue thing. It's blue.

Kevin: Ahh, right, of course."

"As Roran leaves the farm
 * Culminating in:

Mike: Goodbye, brother-cousin-friend-fellow-farmhand."

"Kevin: HUZZAH! Welcome one and all, to the Renaissance Festival!
 * "Ah Jeremy Irons. The guy you call when you think, 'How can I make my movie a lot creepier?'"
 * The Riffers giving baby Saphira the voice of an alcoholic.
 * Mike lets Disembaudio take over for the credits.
 * Over a shot of a medieval village

Mike: Carolingian or Byzantine Renaissance?

Kevin: I don't know, HUZZAH!"

"Mike: Come on, throw one more random image at us- we can take it!"
 * After the third fake ending:

Fast and Furious 2009
"Mike: "Original Film", a division of "Bitterly Ironic Studio Names, Inc."
 * Right off the bat, the's reaction to the "Original Film" card

Kevin: Yes, Original Film presents the third sequel in under a decade to a movie that ripped off its plot from Point Break!"

"Kevin: Oh, it's Cameron's dad's car from Ferris Bueller, they have to run the miles off before they return it."
 * During the opening scene, the mini-semi flips around and starts driving backwards.

"Kevin: Haha! Now you see that your bullets are useless against him!"
 * After Dom catches a bullet in his back and barely even flinches

"Kevin: (as agent) Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?"
 * "Offer him coupons! Drug lords love coupons!"
 * O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...

"Dom: You can't buy your way out of this one.
 * The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:

Mike: (as Dom) Unless you have 46 dollars."

The Happening
"Kevin The Haaaappeniiiiing....
 * [movie opens up with a cloudy sky]

Bill: Die die die die d-death death death d-diediediedie!"

"Worker: David?
 * [A construction worker has fallen to his death]

Mike: David Blaine? Are we rid of you at last?"

"Kevin: It's raining men, hallelujah!"
 * At the construction site

"John Leguizamo: Wanna come to my mother's for dinner?
 * This Actor Allusion:

Bill: We're having ground sloth!"

"Kevin: Tis but a scratch!"
 * During the lion attack

"Mike: (as plant) Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!"
 * Mark Wahlberg's character notices a  plant...

"Kevin Murphy: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike!
 * One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:

Mike Nelson: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind.

Bill Corbett: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark.

Kevin Murphy: Really? Which part?"

High School Musical
""Stop singing about "having" each other!""
 * The boys singing over the creepy sibling's audition song. Including Short People, the theme to The Facts of Life, Man! I Feel Like a Woman, London Calling, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and Suffragette City.

"Kevin: MY QUIRKINESS!"
 * Kevin deciding that "Get Cha Head In the Game" means "If you want Head, you should get it In The Game."
 * Kelsi trips:

"Kevin: SHAME! I wanna look like a douche bag!
 * A boy does some ballet:


 * CRASH!*

Mike: And he was beaten by the Avenue Q puppets."

"Kevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner".
 * Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
 * Stick To The Status Quo

Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again.""

"Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée.
 * Later, after the song.

Troy: Oh. What's that?

Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying.

Troy: Yeah, cool.

Chad: Shut up, Zeke!

Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day."

"Chad to Troy: Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond.
 * During Chad's first appearance.

Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney."

"Gabriella: Why did I let myself believe/Miracles could happen?
 * "Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
 * "If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching Adult Swim"
 * "Gah! A velociraptor!"
 * Kevin's addition to Gabriella's song:

Kevin: And miracles, speaking of those/How do magnets function?"

Inception
"Cobb: To your father.
 * The entirety of Bill Corbett's rant about Lost.
 * As Cobb toasts Fischer Sr:

Mike: And may nobody break up his empire. *exaggerated cough*"

Iron Man
"Mike: Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection.
 * "The Dude, International CEO."
 * When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:

Bill: Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches.

Kevin: Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair."

""THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!""
 * Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.

"Tony: I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE!
 * When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:

Kevin: I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY!"

"Yinsen: What is that?
 * "And this is just for an overdue book from the Kandahar library."
 * [while Tony is building his reactor]

Kevin: (as Tony Stark) It's called a "cram it four eyes."

Bill: (as Yinsen) Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!"

"Kevin: Guys...I'm having...Ishtar flashbacks...(starts gasping for breath)
 * When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:

Mike: No! We're losing Kevin! Bill, give him 20cc of Lawrence of Arabia soundtrack, stat!

Bill: Uh, roger! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music)

(Kevin calms down)

Mike: Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin?

Kevin: I-is that Peter O'Toole?

Mike: Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it is Peter O'Toole!

Bill: It is definitely not Warren Beatty or Dustin Hoffman!

(A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.)

Mike: Oh no!

Kevin: (gasping again) Ishtar...can't breathe...

Bill: Sorry! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music again)"

"Kevin: The new and improved Tin Man!
 * "Summer 2009: !!!"
 * "Doctor's got a Ph. D. in killing you."
 * "Xanadude: L. A. home of Charles Foster Kane III."
 * When Tony first attacks the terrorists in the cave with the original suit:

Bill: Oil can replaced by can of Whoop-Ass.

Mike: Seth Rogen--assassin."

"Bill (as Iron Man): Give me a reason not to smite thee!
 * This little bit when Stark returns to the Middle East village:

Kevin: I'm being held captive here against my will!

Bill: Can't hear you, smiting."

"Announcer: Howard Stark's lifelong friend and ally, Obadiah Stane
 * Or this when we meet the, aptly named, main villain.

All: Obadiah Stane?!

Bill: Did they consider naming him "Menacing T. Badperson"?"

"Stane: [over a microphone, audible pause] Aaahh...
 * At the start of Tony's press conference.

Kevin: That's a moose! Okay now you do an animal."


 * Any joke about Robert Downey, Jr.'s past everlasting drug problems.
 * Mike: HEROIN! I mean HELP!
 * Kevin: I WANT COCAINE! I mean GET ME OUT OF HERE!
 * Bill: VALIUM! I mean OH MY GOD!
 * "I brought you some steak and some spinach; your diet needs more iron, man! (laughs weakly).
 * Keanu Reeves monologue. Nuff said.
 * Turning Pepper into The Ditz. "Which one is Spider-Man?"
 * Bill's "Ow!" as the mask slams shut over Tony's face.

Jaws
"Bill (as Quint) Attention. I dropped a rolo and i can't find it. so if you find a rolo, its MINE"
 * Kevin's opera note as wrong!shark's mouth is pulled open.
 * As the town meets over the recent shark attacks, and Quint scrapes the chalkboard with his nails

"Quint Break it up, will ya chief!! Daylight's wastin'!!
 * As the Trio are about to set off to hunt the shark, and Brody is kissing his wife

Kevin (as Quint) AND YA PROMISED YOU'D SAVE YOUR TENDEREST KISSES FOR ME! YOU BIG GAY YA!"

"Bill:Quint? You okay man?"
 * As the shark pulls Quint under:

""Oh Yeah!""
 * The shark bursts through the wall:


 * "Thirty-eight colorful and barely coherent Quint stories later..."
 * "Day Two; or, as it would come to be known: The day Quint ate Hooper."

Jurassic Park
"Weird Al: "The utter majesty... Imagine how much dog﻿ food you could make with just one!""
 * When the Brachiosaur is first seen:

"Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
 * As the Jeep drives to the Visitor Center:

Mike: No.

Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?

Mike: No!

Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?

Mike: NO!

Weird Al: This park sucks...."

"Weird Al: Timmy; you have a high tolerance for pain..."
 * "Time to run amok! Where are the Japanese?!
 * "I'm a sadistic bastard!"
 * "Aah! A human!"
 * Our heroes are blocked by a fence that may or may not be electrified:

"Alex: He left us! HE LEFT US!
 * "BOY! OR! GIRL!?"
 * After Dr. Grant and the kids first escape from the T-Rex.

Grant: But that's not what I'm going to do.

Mike: I have darker plans for you!"

"John Hammond: I can tell instantly about people - it's a gift.
 * "Shhhhhh, be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting waptors"
 * *thunder crashes* "PLAY ME WILL YOU?!"
 * When we first meet Hammond:

Mike Nelson: I go mainly by skin colour!"

"Weird Al: Poor sap thinks the bag is full of bacon."
 * Nedry giggles happily as Dodgson gives him a bag full of money:

The Last Airbender
""Insta-Douchebag!""
 * Just after Sokka pops up, we get this gem:

Bill: Let's go get something to eat, HUUUUUUH? Bill: [as Aang sobbing] Mike: And your flying monkey cat. Bill: Yes? Mike: He lived. Bill: [sobs harder] Oh dammit! Dammit! "Mike: [as soldier] Sir, I just checked. The whole Daily Show crew is making fun of you, even John Oliver.
 * Iroh: When you wake we'll have tea together before we start the engines, eh?
 * Kevin: (As Pakku, fending off the Fire Nation with some less than impressive waterbending) Behold the awesome power of my grand-niece's Super Soaker!
 * Mike: [as Katara] Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned.
 * [A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi]

Kevin: [as Mandvi] Wha- Oliver?! But he was in the freakin' Love Guru!

Mike: Love Guru has more than double our tomato meter ranking, sir.

Kevin: DAMMIT!"

"Zuko: You seem like a smart boy.
 * [When Zuko talks to the boy in the Fire Nation colony]

Bill: I LIKE TURTLES!

Kevin: Okay, maybe not..."

Bill: The water of the ocean, much like the air of the sky or the flame of the fire. "Mike: Wait, that's... I'm ashamed to know this, but that's the Harpo guy from Twilight isn't he?
 * Aang: We were forced under the water of the ocean.
 * And of course, the obligatory Harpo joke

Kevin: I'm ashamed to confirm, but yes.

Mike: Our shame is great.

Kevin: Perdurable shame."

"Old Man: These are all tools related to bending.
 * [An old Earth Kingdom man leads Aang to a shed.]

Kevin: Well Harpo's a tool and he's related to a bender.

Bill: Lock him in the shed!"

"Boy: Fire Lord Ozai burned his son, to teach him a lesson.
 * As the boy narrates Zuko's Backstory

Mike: The lesson: Never put the pizza box in the fridge if there's only one slice left."

"Zhao: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
 * As Admiral Zhao confronts the Blue Spirit:

Bill: (As Zhao) I mean, I know you're a cosplay character from some lame Anime series, but I can't place you."

"Ozai: And you think. My son is this... person they are calling THE Blue Spirit?
 * As Zhao briefs Ozai on the Avatar's rescue:

Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, my liege. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo"."

"Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!
 * [Zuko in the Southern Water tribe]

Mike: I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!"

"Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something!
 * Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]

Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault.

Bill:Hmm, thanks man, that really helps."

(Ozai's actor looks toward the Camera) Bill (as Zhao): King? King,YO! I'm over here king! "Kevin: Let us never speak of what just happened again."
 * "Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
 * Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city.
 * PEBBLE DANCE

"Mike: Those guys aren't running from Aang, they just got accused of eyeing some lady's lemon drink back there."
 * A bunch of fire nation soldiers running away

"Kevin: Oh no, it's the wind from The Happening.
 * Several Scenes Later.

Mike: What? Ma'am, no, not the wind."

"Mike: Oh great water god Matthew McConaughey, grant that I may remain forever shirtless.
 * Aang practicing waterbending

Bill (in southern accent): Well, alright...."

"Bill: Almost as dramatic as the time the earth princess sacrificed her life for the dead ficus tree."
 * Yue doing her thing.

"Zhao:[spotting Zuko's ship] The banished Prince. Let's offer him lunch.
 * Oh,sure his light up tattoo looks fancy, but it's just there to remind him where his nose is.
 * The whole practice area sequence
 * Also, airline safety dance.
 * Introducing Zhao: The Daily Show's Senior Taking-a-Role-for-the-Paycheck Correspondent. And also:

Mike: Which one of you two can yell the loudest?"

"Bill: Back...to you..Jon...ugh."
 * Run! M. Night's making his cameo back there!
 * Kevin [as Zuko]: I have no time to think about girls when I'm obsessing over a 12-year-old boy. Wait. That Came Out Wrong.
 * As Zhao dies a watery death:

"Kevin: Hey, man, like, what have you done with Cheech, man?"
 * "Hey, Mr. Avatar, you're causing all the toilets in town to back up."
 * Any time Aang is referred to as a Jawa.
 * Iroh's first appearance:

"Bill: When the blind serve drinks."
 * Iroh tests Aang's Avatar abilities by pouring water on the table:

"Zhao: I killed you!
 * Zhao sees Zuko again:

Mike: (as Zuko) I got better."

"Zuko: I'm not allowed to go without him.
 * After knocking Katara out:

Kevin: (as Katara, said perkily) That's nice; I'm unconscious!"

"Mike: You know, I tried reading the Water book; I found it a little dry."
 * One of the title cards:

""Ultimately BP resorted to witchcraft to clean up the Gulf.""
 * "So do you think they mean 'bender' the way British people use it?" "Google it, folks!"
 * Kevin vocalizing Aang's Dull Surprise while entering the Northern Water Tribe.
 * When a Firebender looks up at the wave caused by Aang, turns around and points to it - "Frag One!"
 * After Zhao removes his cape and nervously puts it down - "I'll take off more. Don't think I won't take off more!"
 * During Katara's opening seen, showing her waterbending.

"Bill: (thoughtfully) You know, that looks like a lot of effort. He should just get a gun."
 * As Aang fights off a horde of Fire Nation soldiers in a stone dais thing:

"Iroh: To teach man kindness and humility.
 * When Zhao is about to kill the moon spirit and asks Iroh why the gods insist on giving themselves such vulnerable physical forms:


 * Close up of the sack holding the soon-to-be-dead moon spirit*

Kevin: Workin' out great."

"Mike: You know, if it were me, I'd try and resist the urge to look up in wonder and just go around stabbing the other guys until they caught on to me."
 * As all the soldiers/citizens stop to watch the tidal wave rising up over the city during the climactic final battle:

Memento

 * The Running Gag involving Burt's the motel manager's missing pet raccoon.
 * "SHIRTS! SHIRTS! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"
 * (At the end of the film) "Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to Rifftrax..."
 * "Memento: HOT, BACKING UP ACTION, PULLING CAREFULLY FORWARD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!"

Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
"Mike (as Nestor): "Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!""
 * When Nestor returns home as Roger Miller sings:


 * Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.

Paranormal Activity
"Micah: Show yourself!
 * The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:

Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose."

"Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well."

"Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek"."

"Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work."

"(Doorbell rings)

Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay?

(Katie answers the door)

Bill: (growly, demonic voice) '"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!""

""And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!""
 * (Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
 * The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:

"Bill: Wow, he's doing our job for us.
 * The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
 * Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
 * Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!

Mike: This might be our first self-riffing movie!"


 * Mike (as Micah): Here, let me sing you a lullaby: PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, I'M A MAN...

Reign of Fire
"Man (to Boy): Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?"
 * * singing* "I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"
 * When a man and a boy explore a cave:

Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in."

and

Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care."

"Kevin: That's right men--vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole!
 * (As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
 * "My ugly senses are tingling!"
 * (About the dragon) "Are we gonna get a bigger boat? We need a bigger boat."
 * "INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
 * This moment:

Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably."


 * "Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
 * Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).

Roadhouse
"Dalton: Pain don't hurt.
 * The entire monologue about "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!". "Do you still keep in touch with them? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it purely sexual?"

Mike: I think by its very definition it does."

The Room
"Kevin: DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock)"
 * Brain Bleach: Every sex scene is greeted with horror by any who watch them, but especially when Kevin sees Tommy Wiseau's pasty white rear end.

"Lisa: Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese.
 * [Lisa orders a pizza]

Mike: Ah yes, Domino's WTF-special."

"Mike: No, NOT HAMBONE!"
 * Crowning Music of Awesome. Kevin and Bill singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket", and taking it too far.

"Bill: We have fully descended into madness, people, and it's not even at the one hour mark.
 * Ear Worm: The mention of Loverboy gives Mike and an earworm of Working For the Weekend.
 * Epileptic Trees: Is the film secretly a sly dadaist joke? Does Mark possess the God-like power to hear the film's soundtrack? Will
 * Melodrama: The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
 * Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it.
 * Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders recently will probably bring tears to your eyes.
 * Running Gag: They riff on the football motif, mention the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and have Johnny saying "Oh hi" to everything. There's more.
 * "Oh hi, Mark!" "Oh hi, Denny!" "Oh hi, Movie Theater!" "Oh hi, Sidewalk!" "Oh hi, Newspaper!" "Oh hi, Entrance!" "Oh hi, Michelle!" "Oh hi, Lisa!" "Oh hi, Denny!" "Oh hi, Underwear Story!" "Oh hi, Answering Machine!" "Oh hi, Mark, again!" "Oh hi, Doggie!" "Oh hi, Lisa!" "Oh hi, Building!" "Oh hi, Embarcadero!" "Oh hi, Darkness!" "Oh hi, Gun Barrel!" "Oh hi, Mark!" "Oh hi, Mark! Hi, Denny! Hi, Lisa! "
 * Sanity Slippage: After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:

Kevin: I can't take it anymore!

Mike: Oh, you're just a little chicken, Kevin. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP ! Chicken Kevin."


 * See Crowning Music of Awesome above.
 * Take That: Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
 * The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
 * A Call Back to, of all things, Prince of Space! "I like you VERY MUCH!"

Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny
"Bill: (as a kid) Wait, the lady on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? What's going on here?!
 * Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.
 * Kevin then states he's certain that there's already Fanfic devoted to them. Bill pipes in, "Rule 34!"
 * Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.

Kevin: (as Santa) Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?"

"Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try!
 * During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh

Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER!

Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! your right!

Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way!

Kevin: (now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH MY!!

Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!!

Bill: OH, YOUR A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now!

Santa: HARDER!! HARDER, ohhhhhh...

Kevin: GAH, IM STILL SEEING IT!"

"Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) let me see what we can do (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his santa costume)
 * And the above is immediately preceded by this bit

Bill: "DEAR GOD! you can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned""

"Bill: (as Ice Cream Bunny) HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR! HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR! HRRRRR HRRRRR HRRRRR!"
 * During a close up of the Ice Cream Bunny:

"Mike (as "santa" stands up to greet the ice cream bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!"
 * Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
 * Their riffing on the "Santa"

"Mike He, hes Dead!? the sun Killed him!
 * And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave

Kevin All Hail the SUN!"

"The Frog: What i need is a little girl!
 * The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear

Kevin: GAH!! the Woody Allen of Frogs!

The Frog: Thats what I need alright! I wonder where my mother is?

Mike: (in a horrified murmer) man that is one messed up amphibian!"

"Kevin (perfectly calm) Ah... well... Guys if you don't mind I've got this one
 * their reaction to the bug/wasp/cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen

Mike Ah great, ok then

Kevin (inhales deeply) AAAAAARRRGHMYGOD!!! ARRRGRGRGGTHISISTERRIBLE!!! AAAIIRRGGH!!! PLEASEGODWHATISIT!!! AAAIIIRRGGHH!!!"

"Mrs Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures.
 * and their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremicism"

Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!"

"Mike:"Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say."
 * "Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
 * Kevin's Heroic BSOD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
 * As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.

Bill: "Just this. Enjoy.""

"Thumbelina I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like i am, (bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife
 * Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why- ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
 * Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband

Bill Human Being. A distant, third priority for her."


 * "We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"

Sherlock Holmes
"Clark: I'm afraid sewage workers found his body just this morning.
 * On the sergeant found dead at the end.

MJ Elliott: Ah, so the body was in-turd."

Terminator: Salvation
"Kevin: If this is the last thing I see when I die, I will assume I'm going to hell."
 * As Marcus dies in the end of the prologue, the movie fades to white, and "Directed by McG" appears on the screen.

"Mike (as John): "Thanks for the ride, Harrison!"
 * Any jokes pertaining to Marcus and his having been in Avatar.
 * As John Connor steps onto the landing site:

Kevin (as Harrison Ford): "GET OFF MY PLANE!""

"Mike: Hey, I think I'm in the wrong movie. You guys seen a douchy, stammering kid running around with a stripper?"
 * As the Harvester first appears:

"Marcus: What day is it?
 * Any joke referencing Christian Bale's infamous tirade (which came from the shooting of this movie).
 * "Don't mention the lights in front of Mr. Bale! Oh, who gave him explosives?!"
 * "Hurry--get out of Christian Bale's light!"
 * (As John Connor is stranded on a crashed and sinking helicopter) "He's wondering how he can blame this on the lighting guy." "Oh, good for you, you broke my helicopter - and how was it?"
 * "(in a Batman-like voice) They know what you are, even if you don't!" "ROAR!"
 * "WHAT ARE YOU!?" "I don't know." "ALRIGHT, I WAS JUST CURIOUS, THAT'S ALL!"
 * When Marcus encounters Kyle Reese (looking much like a street urchin)

Bill (as Reese with a Dickens street urchin voice) Why Christmas Day sir!!"

Thor
"Bill: THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!!
 * The description brings up the 1985 Dork Age where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
 * When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
 * Odin breaking his toe, twice.
 * Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of Jersey Shore.
 * "Is there something in my mouth?"
 * After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.

Kevin: Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending."

"Mike: My horns are stuck."
 * After Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up Violet Beauregarde."
 * The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
 * Thor can't lift Mjolnir: "Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?"
 * Lampshade Hanging how expected the Actor Allusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by The Wire fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
 * As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please be found by a mischievous monkey!"
 * "I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
 * When Loki is lying under Thor's hammer:

"Thor: You can't kill an entire race!
 * This:

Loki: Why not?

Mike: Ah, the rarely-used 'why not' defense of genocide."

"Bill:(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!"
 * As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:


 * Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.

Titanic
"Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!"
 * Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.

"Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.
 * Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
 * as Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic

Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship.

[a deckhand calls for Cal]

Deckhand: Sir! Sir!

Bill [as Deckhand]: Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing!

[later]

Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?!

Bill: Aw, man,Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!"

"Kevin: I regret- OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!"
 * (As the flashback starts to the ship) CGI! CGI! CGI
 * Jack: Come on!
 * Bill: Into Molly Brown's changing room... OH MY GOD!!! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!
 * At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
 * Whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming a circus style music.
 * On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
 * Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
 * After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:

"Mike: I bet I can count to 15 before I hit the water! 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 321!"
 * As a passenger falls to his death on the capsizing Titanic:


 * "I have to admit, I totally saw that coming."
 * Bill: (in a snooty tone of voice) Time for a crunk party. ...Bitches.
 * Disembaudio's rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." He gets a little too into it...
 * "Dear diary...I saw boobs today."

Troll 2
"Grampa Seth: Goblins still exist!
 * "Drew has broken free! He's trying to flee the set!"
 * At the beginning of the movie:

Rich Kyanka: I fought them in World War 2 just yesterday!"

Warriors of the Wasteland
"Kevin: (singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!"
 * A Call Back, of all things, to Birdemic.


 * There is also a Call Back to The Room. When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.

The Wicker Man
"Edward: Get off the bike.
 * The infamous bike scene:

Mike: (as Sister Rose) It's a girl's bike.

Edward: Get off the bike!

Kevin: (as Sister Rose) I said, it's a girl's bike.

Edward: (pulls out his gun) Step away from the bike!

Mike: (as Sister Rose) Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike."

"Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all"
 * And school girls' Straw Feminist rant.
 * Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
 * For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:


 * Late in the movie, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
 * "When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobiesky, it's a little different."

Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory
"Mike: Neil, can I ask you to go ahead and mix together some of my special chemicals I brought into the studio today?
 * The intro includes a fantastic Shout-Out: Disembaudio challenging guest-riffer Neil Patrick Harris to a Slap Bet.
 * "Nintendo Sixty FOUUUU-I mean a Golden Ticket! Yippie!"
 * Chemistry class:

Neil: Of course, Mike. I see no reason whatsoever not to mix together whatever chemicals I'm handed at any given time.

Mike: That's what I like to hear.

(BOOOOOOM!)

Disembaudio:

Mike: Nooooooo!"

"Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on...
 * When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:

Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies?

Disembaudio:

Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!"

"Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board)
 * "Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
 * Math class.

Mike: ...how to play Hangman!

Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while -- shot of the class groaning)

Mike: (imitating children's voice) THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!"

"Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed?
 * "Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before--oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 !
 * When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:

Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found."

"Mike: Joe's pointing out all the people that couldn't vote the last time he was out of bed.
 * Just before they enter:

Veruca Salt: I want to go in first, before anyone else!

Mr. Salt: Anything you say, sweetheart.

Neil Patrick Harris: I can't believe I forgot mah bloody flask."

"Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there!
 * In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:

Neil Patrick Harris: Sam-B would have to a~gree!

(SLAP)

Neil Patrick Harris: Ugh!

Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris!

Disembaudio:

Neil Patrick Harris: Ouch! Yes, I get it--very real."

"Mike: Hey, I wore nearly that identical outfit to prom.
 * When Willy Wonka sings for the first time:

(Beat)

Neil Patrick Harris: ...wow.

Mike: Now that I think about it, though, my tie wasn't nearly that subdued."

"Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
 * When the kids are licking the walls:

Mike: (as Wonka turns Salt's head toward him) Look, Salt, I swear to god, I will cut you!"

"Neil Patrick Harris: And if you're ready Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare?
 * When Willy Wonka starts shouting during the Creepy Tunnel Scene from Hell:

Mike: Why...yes!

Neil Patrick Harris: I don't mind if you do!

Neil Patrick Harris: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film.

Mike: Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!"

Wonka (singing): There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going....

Mike: You know what would be funny -- if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing.

Neil Patrick Harris: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton."

"Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high?
 * After drinking the special soda:

Neil Patrick Harris: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival."

"Mike: Did you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands?
 * During Veruca's "I Want It Now" song:

Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires."

"Wonka: If you want to view paradise...
 * "A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
 * The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
 * During "Pure Imagination":

Neil Patrick Harris: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!"

X-Men
"Mike: Oh...Oh, do you really get to use the Holocaust in your silly little comic book movie?
 * During the opening scene:

Bill: It doesn't seem fair, but I guess they're doin' it..."

"Mike: You know, I don't think the Martin Van Buren mutton chops quite cut it anymore, now that it's not 1825 and all."
 * On Wolverine's facial hair:

Bill: I think he should try a beard with no mustache for a fresher, more 1863 look."

"Bill: Such a subtle name.
 * "Shouldn't he get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?"
 * "Cerebro?" "Magneto?" "Yes, Cerebro." "Why, thank you, Magneto!" "Hello, Cerebro." "Yes, Magneto." "Well, Magneto, I guess." "Cerebro."
 * On Cerebro (their favorite thing in the whole movie):

Mike: Yeah, he nearly called it "Brains A-Poppin'.""

"Charles: This is a school for gifted mutants.
 * A nice Take That at a certain other movie in the series:

Wolverine: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Mike: Then you've never seen X-Men 3."

Gears of War 3
"Mike: Those chestplates indicate the actual size of their nipples. Yeah, the future is gross."
 * On the COG armor:

"Bill: (as Cole) My old locker room! (sighs dreamily) Saw a lot of nude men in here, yep.
 * When Cole Train enters his old locker room.

Mike: THRILL as a grown man grows nostalgic!"

At Your Fingertips: Boxes
"Bill: Forget playing stickball, Timmy, slap on another coat of FUSCHIA!!!

Kevin: Oh yes!"

Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things
"Pillow: "You see, Reggie? We are not happy."

Bill: "And when we're not happy, people die, Reggie, people die!""

"Bill: Horace was already bitter from being named "Horace""
 * "Aww, isn't that cute, they expect us to believe Reggie is capable of comprehending chess."
 * "Reggie strongly believes that Rooks are the best-tasting chess piece."
 * "No problem, harder checkers!"

The Calendar - How To Use It
"Bill: Mind if I dial up the gay?"

"Bill: This guy could instantly win a "Make Everyone Hate You" competition.
 * The "music" by the Scott Baio Expy.

Kevin: Lord, this is making me actually miss High School Musical.

Mike: You know, because of him, I now hate time itself."

"Narrator: Due to the untimely deaths of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, Rifftrax has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we blame the calendar."
 * The moment when Mike, Kevin and Bill's heads exploded at the sheer ingenuity of the calendar.

The Case of Tommy Tucker
"Bill:CAN'T MY HUGE FEATHER HELP IN ANY WAY?????"

"Bill: Gah!!!
 * The opening playlet:

Mike: Wicker Man: The Musical!

Kevin: (to the tune of "Hooray for Hollywood") Not the bees! Not, not, not the bee-EEE-eees!""

Christmas Dream
"Kevin: I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!"

"Kevin: Oh no, my manuscript about a sparkly boy vampire and the dull girl obsessed with him."
 * As the rag doll is blowing away some paper with an electric fan:

Christmas Rhapsody

 * Kevin combining "Angels We Have Heard on High" with "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.
 * The running gag involving the tree constantly referring itself as being "small and of no account", to the point that Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep referencing it in the other Xmas shorts that they've riffed.
 * "I can't deposit money at the bank. Why? No account."

Coffeehouse Rendezvous

 * "I harmonize badly!", featuring some Hollywood Tone Deaf turns from the guys.
 * The obviously stoned students being interviewed at various points.
 * The ending segment with the church coffeehouse, ending with a bunch of kids filing out of the place while the narrators go on and on about how popular coffeehouses are.

Cooking Terms
"Narrator:Cream the butter? Better get the cream!

Bill:This narrator seems deeply invested in her failure.

Narrator:That's right. Pour it in! The recipe says cream the butter so put in lots of cream!

Kevin:That's right. Ruin the cake! Just like every woman I've ever known has RUINED MY LIFE!"

"Bill: Now is that clear or would you like to douse it in cream again, you empty-headed bint?!"
 * Narrator: To cream butter merely means to work it with an instrument until it becomes soft and smooth.

"Bill: (barely containing his laughter) You'll need an adult sheep!"
 * During the jelly demonstration, the narrator mentions the "sheet from the spoon" test, which the guys hear as the "sheep from a spoon test".

Cops - Who Needs Them?

 * "Just don't sit on the DRUG-SNIFFING HAMSTER!" Wheeeeee!
 * Rifftrax's new favorite character, Frank!
 * "What Frank?"

Cork Crashes And Curiosities
"Mike: (cheerfully in a fake irish accent) Anyway we did that instead of fighting World War Two... Erin Go Bragh!"
 * The increasingly ridiculous Irish Accents used by the trio
 * As racing cars are unloaded from the docks after the narrator notes how only rich countries like Ireland can afford to host racing

"Mike: Im getting a sudden urge for an Irish Sweep, I hope thats not anything dirty
 * The Running Gag revolving around the mysterious "Irish Sweep" billboards that are repeatedly seen

Kevin: IRISH SWEEP! MUST BUY UNKNOWN PRODUCT OF INDETERMINATE PURPOSE NAMED IRISH SWEEP!

Kevin: EH LOOK AT EM GO

Bill: ALRIGHT FOR RACING!

Mike: IRISH SWEEP IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!!"

Don't Be A Bloody Idiot
"Kevin: (after the short shows several newspaper clippings about people who've died out in the bush) I'm taking a vow of celibacy!"
 * This is an Australian short about safety when hunting/hiking/camping out in the bush. The guys however, interpret "the bush" as something...dirtier, and their reactions to anything that could be even remotely suggestive are the funniest parts of the short.

"Host: (picking up a small Swiss Army knife) ...a knife...
 * Also, when the host of the short starts naming several important items to take when camping, the guys are anxious for him to mention a particular essential cutting implement. When he finally gets to it...

Mike: What...What?! That's a knife?! Make up your mind, Australia!

Bill: So inconsistent!"

Down and Out
"Mike: GAH!
 * When there's an unfortunate close-up of the characters crotch, framed by a harness:

Kevin: Speaking of "down and out"!

Mike: Maybe he's just a stashing a piece of sidewalk chalk!"

"Bill: Wear a helmet and facemask AT ALL TIMES!!!"
 * Bill finally gets enough of the heavyhandedness of the short.

"Mike: I don't wear a belt.
 * Then, when the short advises wearing a belt:

Bill: (darkly) You're a dead man."

"Bill: You'll be stuffed into a jumpsuit, given brown dress shoes and a bad haircut and be forced to stumble around like Roberto Benigni!"
 * Finally, Bill lays out the consequence of not following safe procedure:

Drawing For Beginners - The Rectangle

 * The constant jokes about the extremely basic subject matter. "Wait, I haven't seen how paper works!"
 * When drawing a little boy looking out a window to see it's raining oddly-shaped raindrops: "It's raining nooses! The universe is telling Willy to stop being a wuss and go for it!"
 * "We need a more rudimentary film!"

Drugs Are Like That

 * The entire damn Anvilicious short.
 * Bill turning the opening song into a cereal commercial while a montage of drugs cascades down.
 * All the jokes about the extreme lack of attention either child seems to be paying to their conversation.
 * "They oughtta check their house for carbon monoxide!"
 * "Why don't you LISTEN, you bonehead!"
 * Thousands died that day, and around the globe, people asked the same questions: "WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN? WHAT'S THAT?"
 * Bill and Kevin trying to get out of watching the short, Mike forcing them to stay. It's reminiscent of the Hobgoblins episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Families: Earning and Spending

 * In a case of perfect timing, there's a Running Gag about tentacle hentai during the segments about a Japanese family. Kevin berates Bill for the joke... then cut to a display playing a commercial featuring an octopus in a microwave. Kevin officially gives up.

Families: Food and Eating
"Candida(narration): We usually eat at my grandparents' house. My mother eats later, when my father comes home from work.
 * Running Gag about the Mexican family's haphazard eating schedule.

Kevin: We're totally winging it schedule-wise until someone invents iCalendar."

"Candida (narration): Grandmother will eat her dinner later, after everyone else has eaten.
 * Then:

Mike: This is getting awfully haphazard.

Bill: Grandpa starts eating before everyone, then stops halfway through, and only resumes later that night when we've all gone to bed."

"Hiroyuki (narration): My father works late, so he doesn't eat dinner with us.
 * Bricked later, with the Japanese family:

Bill: He eats with the Mexican grandmother."

Family Teamwork
"Kid: " All I could think about was all of the fun I was going to miss out on. And then something funny happened: I stopped thinking about me and I started to think about how disappointed the whole family must be."
 * After the first kid learns he won't get the vacation he wanted.

Bill: "Their depression really picked me up!""

Flying Stewardess

 * "The captain thanks you for keeping the plane snake-free."
 * "Hi, Bob Executive. Which way is business?"
 * One joke made better by the live riff: the frequent jokes at the expense of Ft. Worth, Texas were followed by "Sorry, Ft. Worth" once they realized that people there were watching it live.

Good Eating Habits
"Narrator:After school, Bill was hungry. He was hungry, and he had some money.

Mike:So he ate his money."

"Narrator: "And that..."
 * At the end of the short, the film breaks, cutting off the narrator mid-sentence, leading to this gem:

Bill: "AH! THE BOMB!""

Grasses: At Your Fingertips
"Mike: WHAT AM I?!?!"
 * "IS CORN GRASS?" and "IS BAMBOO CORN?" The question is never actually answered.
 * At later live shows, you'll find humorous facts shown on the screen before the show. One of them confirms that corn is, in fact, grass.
 * The terrified reaction to the clay doll.


 * Kevin running around on stage in a grass headdress and bowing to the kids in the grass masks. Later, he tries to pawn the headdress off to the other riffers. It doesn't work.
 * The whole thing is so bizarre and hysterical that it is one of the best shorts they've ever riffed on.

Highway Mania
"Kevin? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will murder you, and smile while I do it."
 * After Kevin continuously makes a horrifically annoying siren sound, Bill stops him with a Crowning Moment of Awesome line:

Kangaroos

 * The bullshit about wild lions at the start, which gets Mike all confused. Especially Kevin dubbing over the dog.
 * During the demonstration of kangaroo "boxing", it's obvious that someone is holding the kangaroo up off-camera. "Nobody's helping me!"
 * Kevin's desire to merchandize the kangaroo, including making bottle openers out of their scrotums, trying to recruit them for a basketball team which is immediately shot down and mentioning how delicious they are.

Little Lost Scent

 * Kevin's "screaming goose" bit.

Lunchroom Manners
"Narrator: But Mr Bungle didn't stop to wash his hands or comb his hair. He went right to lunch.

Bill: Still, he was the cleanest person in the Taco Bell.

Narrator: Then instead of waiting in line at the lunchroom, Mr Bungle pushed everyone aside and went right to the front.

Mike: As the biggest, it was his right!"

"Narrator: Phil washed his hands well, with lots of soap.
 * Later on:

(Phil squirts far more soap than he needs onto his hand)

Bill: He decided to take some soap home for his entire ten-person family!"


 * Mr. Bungle's name being used as a Madness Mantra.

Magically Disappearing Money
"Bill: Please. Whatever you're thinking, donOH! OH GOD! HELL IS VERY HOT!"
 * First off, the Witch is the new Mr. B Natural of the 21st Century. Everything she does and says is so over-the-top quirky, the comedy comes from her trying to be kooky but coming off as an idiotic, creepy ditz.
 * The jokes about the sale on breaded zucchini.
 * Any joke about the witch's dark plans, culminating in "Join me in the dark abyss of savings!"
 * When the cat from the witch's purse disappears: "I can haz freedom?"
 * "Vote for Christine O'Donnell."
 * "I'm you."
 * "Ahh, Beard completer!"
 * When the witch makes a milkman disappear:

Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs
"(singing)
 * "Monkeys like to play." "Mostly Last Train to Clarksville." SLAP "OW!"
 * "Well, time to work on some flingin' material…"

Monkey see and monkey do

Monkey eat and monkey POO!"

More Dangerous Than Dynamite
"Announcer But what chance does the housewife have without these safety features?
 * The entire short is about the once common practice of washing clothes... in gasoline.
 * (As a housewife pours a pan of gasoline in her kitchen) "Wait they were serious about the whole washing clothes in gasoline?"
 * (As a housewife) "Oh no! Something somehow went wrong with my pan of gasoline!"
 * (As a safety inspector, inspecting a gasoline based dry cleaning business) "Sure you can wash clothing in gasoline here. You're wasting my time even asking!"
 * (As a worker escaped from a gasoline fire) "Why can't we just use soap and water!?"
 * An announcer discusses all the safety features commerical dry cleaners have, then cut to a woman washing clothes in her home.

Mike Well she could not wash her clothes in gasoline that would be a start."

"Kevin: "[BOOM] My car! [BOOM] My Mountain! [BOOM] My bridge! [BOOM] My subdivision! [BOOM] Britney Spears' birthplace! No!"
 * Kevin has some nice stuff, apparently, in the live version.

Bill: "No!"

Mike: "Would you stop that?""

"Mike: They killed Vincent Price."
 * During the demonstration of how a dry cleaning company is prepared in case of a gasoline explosion, a joke is made pertaining on of the worker's resemblance to a certain celebrity.


 * In the live show, this leads to a couple jokes about a "post-explosion" Price when the Rifftrax Crew is promoting their live riffing of House on Haunted Hill.
 * The short itself has the Narm moment involving the ablaze housewife with the flames being very obvious animation.

The Night Before Christmas

 * A running gag involving Santa leaving a toy shovel in the stockings of one of the kids.

One Got Fat
""A bicycle safety film where apes evolve from men?!"
 * The Planet of the Apes jokes:

"We're headed over to Cornelius and Zira's for the game."

"To the Forbidden Zone!"

"It is/is not Ape Law!""


 * The shrieks of utter horror once the masks are revealed. Bill never really recovers from it (and it makes his jokes even funnier).

Overcoming Fear
"Headline:Student Defends Bicycle Ordinance

Kevin:...on slowest news day in history."

"Barker: "I've, uh, noticed you out there..."

Mike: "Things you don't want to hear in the locker room.""

Paper & I
""We'll blot out the moon, Billy! We'll be GODS!""
 * The entirety of the short shown at the House on Haunted Hill live riff. The guys turn a harmless short about paper production into a story of a young boy's descent into madness at the hand of his paper bag.


 * What was funnier about it was how little they had to work to change it. "Did you ever think about what the world would be like without paper?"
 * "Daah, you have arms now! You're learning and adapting!"
 * "Then a trip through the gonad-jabber!"

Patriotism
"Bill: Man, Bob Crane had a funny sense of what contibuted to "an act of patriotism"."
 * The guys get a lot of mileage from the fact Bob Crane is involved with the short.

"Kevin: (nervously) Mr. Crane, you're awfully quiet right now. You're... not taping anything are you?
 * Later, when Crane's narration is silent:

Mike: (as Bob Crane, creepily) Just keep on doing what you're doing."

"Bob Crane: Patriotism is being proud of being who you are and whatever you do.
 * The short's definition of patriotism becomes vague and odd:

Kevin: So... if I like to make sculptures out of my own feces, I'm a patriot?

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Kevin: Cool!"

"Mike: Making ugly things even uglier is what patriotism is all about!"
 * Then:

"Mike: Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide, well, you know, Chewbacca is out."
 * This reference, when Crane goes on about how everyone loves Arbor Day.

Pearl of the Orient

 * "These people are Moros." "Hey! We're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but there's no call for that!"
 * The reaction to the cock fight and Bill's Incredibly Lame Puns thereafter.
 * The really, really bad segue at the end from polishing a pearl to shots of war-torn Manila.

Reading: Who Needs It?
"Coach: You can't read, right?

Basketball Player: What are you talking about?

Coach: You haven't been leveling with me. You can't read, right? Well, right?

Basketball Player: Yeah, right.

Bill: Wait, read or write? Pick one."

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
"Santa Claus (to Rudolph): I need you tonight.
 * The following line resulted in such a huge laugh at the live riffing of the short that the Rifftrax crew ended up missing a few lines due to the audience still laughing:

Kevin: WHOA!!!"

Safety - Harm Hides at Home

 * The Running Gag about the main character's occupation of "freelance architect."
 * "I guess the Lollipop Guild is part of the Federation..."
 * "Hey, I think I'll eat this RAGING OUT OF CONTROL FIRE MOM LEFT ME!"
 * A kid finding his dad's gun: "Perfect! I have a drive-by after school!"
 * "Oxygen: scourge of mankind!"
 * "This key could kill you."

Shake Hands with Danger
"Bill: Man, I REALLY fell on my keys!"
 * The final reprise of its theme song: "It's the 'Shake Hands with Danger' party mix!"
 * The narrator's awkward silence while Chuck Hamlin works on the excavator. Mike, Kevin and Bill use the opportunity to deliver some lame Chuck Norris facts for him. Later on, we see his dead body at various places throughout the film, and they note that the others are working while his corpse is still warm and (at the end) that he hasn't even been buried.


 * Hey everyone, the cruel old bastard finally got his comeuppance!" "Yay! Woohoo! I hope he dies!"

Skipper Learns a Lesson
"Narrator: "You should see our trench!" Pete said, "It's long and wide and deep, too! We're having fun"
 * The neighborhood kids are trying to talk new girl Susan into digging a trench in a vacant lot with them:

Kevin: Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern."

"Narrator: After that, everyone played together and had a good time.
 * Later:

Kevin: Until later that summer when they had to band together to destroy IT."

Story of a Teenage Drug Addict
"Mike: GAH! Dad, why are you dressed like that?"
 * Upon a close-up of the main character's old, unattractive mom:

"Drug Addict: The other guy made hamburger out of me.
 * The main character's unsuccessful attempt at boxing:

Bill: Then I got kidnapped by some guy who kept saying, "Robble-robble!""

Three Magic Words

 * Bill makes a joke that the opening music, when sung backwards, is the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Cut to the butcher's shop, where the butchers are wearing wide hats. Mike's response: "Wait a minute, those are rabbis!"
 * "Our hollow-eyed dopplegangers will fill you in in the rest."
 * "Just cook the #$(*ing dinner!"

Tooth Truth with Harv and Marv
"Mike: Sure, Harv and Marv argue, but the sex? Out of this world!
 * Mike spending the entire duration of the short's closing credits doing an imitation of Marv's laugh.
 * Mike and Bill on Ho Yay:

Bill: And so frequent."


 * The bizarre presence of the alien tooth fairy woman, who clearly does not want to be involved in this production at all.

The Trouble With Women
"Mr. Bradshaw: As per her qualifications, I assigned her to an inspections bench.

Mike: She got bra marks all over it!"


 * "A woman by the name of... Mmmmmyrtle Malloy! "He was voted 'most likely to impersonate Henry Fonda' in high school."

Vision in the Forest

 * The Running Gag involving Vaughn Monroe's elderly looking wife.
 * As Smokey the Bear comes out of a billboard: "Pedobear: the Motion Picture"

What It Means To Be An American

 * The frequent attempts to end the short and the guys' exasperation when it just keeps on going. It's made doubly funny by being one of the longer shorts and thus sold in two parts, making it a Running Gag.

You and Your Family
"Narrator: "Now are you ready for the next family scene?"
 * In the transition between scenes:

Mike: "No, I'd like a break..."(narrator continues on) "Hey! Why even ask?""

Live Shows

 * The pre-show cards. A few from Jack the Giant Killer included "Movie Mistakes" (Zookeeper starring Kevin James), "Real Life Giant Killers" (David - Goliath), "Only in the Movies" (Could a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, and fun have difficulty finding a relationship, because she is "kinda clumsy"), Movie Anagrams (Blil Plluman - Bill Paxton), and Movies that Netflix Puts on Instant Watch Instead of Riff Trax (Cool Dog).
 * The all-time best is one from Jack the Giant Killer, where they finally answer an open question from the previous year's show: yes, corn is actually grass.
 * The toy commercials from the Christmas show. Mike's "gift" was of a 60s toy robot with an Accidental Innuendo-filled commercial.
 * At Jack the Giant Killer, the constant jokes about "seizing the bone."
 * "Be right there..."
 * Shmorky's animated short before the main show, an animated representation of the thoughts of Lowtax's daughter Lauren. It's hilarious.
 * This leads to a bit in Jack the Giant Killer where the guys suggest that one scene in the film (which involves a chimpanzee reaching for a bottle containing a leprachaun in order to have him assist Jack in dealing with a two-headed giant) was actually written by Lauren.