Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Funny

In the criminal justice system, no matter how heinous the crime, there are always two kinds of hilarity — those related to the situation, and those that stem from the lives of those involved. This is a list of them.

DUN-DUN!

"Detective Munch: Don't answer that phone. Anyone who calls an airline waits on hold twenty minutes minimum while being subjected to a clockwork orangeian repetitive loop on the benefits of your awards program.
 * Detective John Munch owns these, but nothing beats the moment in "Slaves" when he's talking to someone at Air Bucharest and the phone rings:

Man: I believe that's your phone, sir."

"Fin: Who's the best at undercover in your squad?
 * Munch undercover as a pedophile tourist is surprisingly funny. Especially since his disguise consists only of changing his shirt, taking off his shades... And smiling.
 * From Mike Sandoval's first episode:

Sandoval: I'm your guy.

Fin: No offense, but my grandmother wouldn't sell an aspirin to you."

"Munch: Fin and I are thinking about starting up a bar. We need investors. You want in?
 * Munch instigates more dark-funny on the first episode of the new season:

Cragen: I don't know. Let me run it past the guys at my next AA meeting."

"Prosecution: What was that treatment?
 * The early episode where Munch is called in to testify against a shrink who treated hysteria the old-fashioned way.

Munch: Miss Weber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and picture David Hasslehoff from Baywatch.

Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.

Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.

Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?

Munch: O-R-G-A-S-M.

Defense: Objection! Would it surprise you to learn that, historically, the onus fell upon physicians to bring about the relief of these ladies' symptoms?

Prosecution: Your honour, please instruct counsel to withold his questions until cross.

Munch: I don't mind, your honour. In fact, I believe the manual version of this treatment dates back to Hippocrates and was attested to right up until the Middle Ages, up until the 1890s, when the vibrator was invented to speed things along.

Prosecution and Defense: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: Detective, is this practice currently against the law?

Munch: Yes. And so is videotaping it."

"Stabler: Hey, I gots an eleven!"
 * From the same episode we get Elliot's hilariously awkward attempt to give his daughter a sex talk using soccer terminology.
 * Which culminates in her very bluntly telling him she's still a virgin even as she kicks the ball to him. He stands stock-still while the ball goes right past him into the mini-goal and says simply "Okay."
 * How in the world did Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay manage to keep straight faces in "Sugar" while on the P.A. at a store asking for the "Master Baiter" to come to the front?! (Three letters: A.D.R.)
 * Stabler and Fin in "Wildlife" telling rapper "Gots Money" about how, when he goes to prison, his cellie will roll a pair of dice to decide how many times to rape him:

"Munch: Hey, Olivia, [little girl's name] had just called, asking for you.
 * Made even funnier (and slightly horrifying) when you think about the other show (Oz) Christopher Meloni did and the kind of people he associated with in prison. You don't think Schillinger did that a few times?
 * When Olivia was concerned about the little girl of a famous singer:

Olivia: What?! Is she alright?

Munch: No, she saw the new N'SYNC music video and was thoroughly disappointed. As was I."

"Fin: It's different for black men. They go out, have sex with other men, then come home, have sex with their woman, and pretend they're straight.
 * Fin and Lake are Mistaken for Gay when canvasing for suspects. Lake rolls with it by putting his hand on Fin's thigh.
 * Benson and Stabler explaining to Cragen why they're having trouble interrogating Ray-Ray, a schizophrenic who speaks in complete Word Salad — and then Ray-Ray interrupts with "Hello? I can't find my head!"
 * Fin's description of the sociology behind being "On The Down-Low", and the others' reaction:

(Benson, Cragen, and Stabler stare at him, eyebrows raised)

Fin: Hey, don't look at me, I just know stuff!"

"Munch: Your Jew? Your Jew?! What if I called you my boy?
 * When Fin curtly described Munch as "[his] Jew" when they're undercover with a pimp, Munch waits until they're outside to object:

Fin (grinning, arms spread wide): Then I'd be your boy, John!"

"Munch: Shalom."
 * Related to the above Munch's parting words before they get outside.

"Benson: Hey, how'd it go?
 * The Pilot's actually brilliantly laugh-out-loud funny altogether ("Shut up, John!"). The absolute crowner of the pilot has to be Elliot in court. He's trying to justify having arrested a flasher on hearsay (a pretty shaky reason) and the defense lawyer's having a field day...until Elliot uses a euphemism which implies that the flasher is compensating for something, which the perp then promptly disproves in open court. Elliot's expression suggests that Chris Meloni was struggling not to burst out laughing, which is exactly what we all did. Then, right afterward:

Stabler: He's in Bellevue.

Benson: The jury came back that fast?

Stabler: He waved his flag at 'em before they had a chance... Nobody saluted."

"Stabler: IT'S SO HOT IN HERE! I DIDN'T ORDER THAT PIZZA!"
 * From the same episode: Cragen is talking to Benson and Stabler in his office. He's eating a piece of licorice when they tell him that someone "chopped off the victim's unit." Cragen immediately spits the licorice into his hand and dumps it in the garbage.
 * Olivia's Intoxication Ensues in "Wet" caused by accidentally breathing in the fumes released by a Large Ham fungi scientist's boiling samples. Stabler later fakes his own Lemon Wacky Hello.

"Benson: I got nothing but a five-pound rat.
 * "Bombshell" has this El-and-Liv moment during a boring stakeout:

Stabler: You think you got it bad? I just got hit on by a transvestite who looks like Munch."

"Stabler: So she fell on her face... and her vagina."
 * In another episode, Benson and Stabler are questioning an OBGYN who saw one of the (pregnant) victims. Stabler asks how he could have not noticed the woman's bruises, but the doctor quickly explains that she told him she fell in the shower (which was supposedly why she needed to see him in the first place). Stabler points out that the two areas she was injured in aren't really consistent with falling in the tub:

"Fin: Here pussy, pussy, pussy.
 * Towards the end of one episode, Fin and Munch are searching the perp's apartment for his pet cat:

Munch: You're kidding..."

"Melinda: Is there anything you can just accept?
 * And Munch's comment when he finds the cat? "There you are, you demonic little furball"
 * One episode has this hilarious exchange after Munch explains another one of his conspiracy theories.

Munch: Yeah. Compliments.

Melinda: No wonder you're such a skeptic."

"Elliot: "Starla's not home... I... tried that.""
 * Elliot trying to kick down a door in "Perverted." He manages to dent the door, but he starts groaning in pain. Cue him getting a phone call:

"Man: ...I felt like I was...outside my body, looking down. Ya know?
 * In the episode "Starved", Olivia tries to find a serial rapist who targets successful women through speed dating. At said event, we get to listen in on the various conversations of other speed daters, and one couple is having this exchange:

Woman: Yeah...I felt the same way when I was abducted."

"Brittany: What are they saying?
 * The episode "Mean" has this glorious exchange:

Cragen: That they didn't do anything and you killed Emily all by yourself. Oh, and that you're nuts."