Dark Shadows (film)/Funny

"Hoffman: Do you know what doctor patient confidentiality is?"
 * Pretty much any scene with Julia Hoffman, but one in particular:

"Carolyn: Yes, I'm . Let's not make a big deal about it.
 * During the climax when Elizabeth realizes her daughter, Carolyn gives her the most deadpan expression and says:

(Beat)

Carolyn:"

""Mephistopheles!""
 * The first thing Barnabas sees after being released (and slaking his thirst)? A large, golden symbol that quite resembles one he had found in a book about the Devil.

"Barnabas: Tell me your secrets, tiny songstress!"
 * Barnabas seeing a television for the first time and trying to figure out how it works.

"Barnabas: (watching Cooper perform) Ugliest woman I've ever seen."
 * Later on, he's watching Scooby Doo.
 * The Running Gag of Barnabas thinking that Alice Cooper is a woman.

"Angelique: Barnabas, get over it.
 * Barnabas reciting "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band as if he were reading a poem.
 * Barnabas' scene with the hippies. Especially the end.
 * Barnabas's response to Angelique's proposal. "You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!"
 * The following:

Barnabas: Locked in a box for 200 years!

Angelique: Don't exaggerate, it was only 196."

"Barnabas: What is your age, if I may?
 * Barnabas asking Carolyn for some love advice. It's impossible for that setup to not be hilarious.

Carolyn: Fifteen.

Barnabas: Fifteen and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die!

Carolyn: You're weird."