Xena: Warrior Princess/Funny

"(Gabrielle has to jump to a moving chariot from Xena's horse)
 * From "Chariots of War":

Xena: Jump!

Gabrielle: Are you crazy?

Xena: Jump!

Gabrielle: If I die I'm never talking to you again!

(a short while later)

Xena: You call that a jump?

Gabrielle: No, it was a frantic leap. Best I could do."

"Gabrielle: Did you ever notice that we never have a problem getting a table?
 * The whole "baby-throwing" sequence from "Cradle of Hope". Made even funnier by the fact that, rather than wailing in fear, the baby is giggling the whole time.
 * The pre-opening credits sequence from "The Path Not Taken", in which Xena casually punches out several drunken, violent bar patrons one at a time, presumably without Gabrielle noticing a thing. Then Xena finally uses her alchohol-plus-flaming-torch flamethrower trick on another, causing an entire table of patrons to hastily exit. Then:

Xena: It's a mystery to me."

"Xena: I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills."
 * From "The Furies":

"Xena: (mounting Argo backwards) Gooooo horsey!"

"Barbarian Leader: We fight with the heart of a lion!
 * "The Quill is Mightier...":

Aphrodite: And you run with the feet of a chicken."

"Ares: We were starting to... warm up to each other there, weren't we?
 * Three naked dancing Gabrielles. That is all.
 * During a brief lull in some violence, Gabrielle and Ares actually begin to talk and, purely by accident, start making light hearted jokes about their past dealings with each other, before both wising up and bringing the conversation to a screeching halt.

Gabrielle: ...Yeah, we were.

]

Ares: I didn't like it.

Gabrielle: Right back at ya."

"Joxer: Do you guys smell that?
 * Gabrielle accidentally de-powering Ares & Aphrodite and they both fall out of the sky.
 * Aphrodite having problems with her hygiene.

Aphrodite: Lay off me, turkey. I'm new to this mortal hygiene thing."

"Diana: This is my round killing thing.
 * In "Warrior... Princess", when Princess Diana is posing as Xena:

Gabrielle: Chakram.

Diana: Bless you."

"Xena: You must be Charon.
 * When Meg the bar wench is added to the lookalike confusion in later episodes, she refers to it as her shamrock.
 * Gabrielle's increasingly desperate hitchhiking attempts near the beginning of "The Prodigal".
 * Pretty much any time Charon is on-screen in "Mortal Beloved", an otherwise serious episode.

Charon: No, I'm Tilulu the dancing girl."

"Charon: Oh, ‘I know something's gone wrong on the other side.' You can say that again. We've got everything turned upside down. All the wicked are in the Elysian Fields. All the good guys are in Tartarus. And now, we've got tourists."

"Charon: Alright, that is it. I'm drawing the line here. Someone has to. So, I'm not taking either of you across unless you've got a gold coin. Now, there will be no exceptions, no bargains, no compromises, and absolutely no deals -

(Xena holds up Hades' Helmet of Invisibility)

Charon: ...Welcome aboard. Hope you have a great time. Please make yourself comfortable. Keep your hands inside of the boat. (Xena and Marcus board the boat) Now, looking to the left, you will see the caves of distress, and just ahead, coming up on the right, you will see the hanging garden of disgusting disease."

"Ephiny: (picks up horse dropping) These contain raw hay stalks. Centaurs don't eat hay.
 * "Hooves & Harlots" when Xena and Ephiny find out the war between Amazons and Centaurs is provoked by someone else by investigating an ambush.

Xena: Actually I was referring to the hoof prints. Centaurs put their weight on their front legs.

Ephiny: That's just as good."

""I'm no princess. I'm a Queen"."
 * Eve's Cluster Bleep Bomb outburst in "You Are There".
 * "There she is... Ms. Amphipolis" when one of the contestants who is a dude gets mistaken for Xena Warrior Princess.

"Gabrielle: The Elysian Fields... only heroes wind up here. (Beat) Dead heroes. (she glances down, realizes she is completely naked and covers herself with her arms) Dead naked heroes."
 * Gabrielle finds herself in Illusyia (at first believing it to be the Elysian Fields) in "The Bitter Suite":

"Gabrielle: Joxer's gonna be blinded.
 * Xena whining about her horse Argo leaving her for another rider in "In Sickness and in Hell".
 * Gabrielle's encounter with a Killer Rabbit.
 * The villagers hating on Joxer's song ("The meter's awful!").
 * "Kindred Spirits" has so many such as when Gabrielle was woken up she says "Not tonight". Other examples includes when Gabrielle tells Xena that Joxer will be blinded for being a peeping tom.

Xena: Nah, that's just a myth. Guys don't really go blind when they do that."

"Cyane: What are you doing?!
 * Or when Rhea is caught kissing Joxer.

Rhea: It's called kissing. Wanna try it?"

"So I'm just a sexual object to be used and discarded. A baloney pony. A disposable stud. All right!"
 * Joxer finds out Rhea's just using him.

"I am Xena, the ultimate woman! Versus Joxer, the ultimate meatball! And I will crush his head like a peanut between the thighs of DOOOOM!"
 * Or the start of Xena and Joxer's royal challenge.

"And you need a diversion. Oh, pick me."
 * Many, many of Ares' Deadpan Snarker-isms.

"Ares: Don't feel bad. After you are fighting the goddess of wisdom and warfare.
 * "Amphipolis Under Siege" is a serious episode but it has its moments thanks to Ares and Xena's ongoing antagonism.

Xena: Don't forget weaving."

"Ares: How goes the siege?
 * As well as Xena's mother walking in on Ares and Xena and remarking that if she was to end up with a god she expected it to be Hermes. Ares wasn't amused.
 * This:

Athena: I'm about to start catapulting dead cows into the village.

Ares: And a classic it is."

"Salmoneus: All right, I got 15 belts, 6 shirts and 3 propositions. This work is disgusting."
 * Xena organizing a jail break in "The Black Wolf".

"Gabrielle: Remind me to cut off my foot later."
 * "Purity" had the one where Gabrielle had to use Joxer's black powder to escape their stocks. It was in his pocket so she had to reach in there with her toes...

"Xena: If you weren't such a quack you'd know that getting pregnant requires certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time. And I mean a very long time. No one, zilch, zippo. I am a love-free zone so it is impossible for me to be up the duff. So what's your diagnosis now?
 * Xena's reaction to her pregnancy in "Animal Attraction".

Doctor: Mood swings!"

"Gabrielle: I was married at the time.
 * Leah bemoaning Xena and Gabrielle's lack of virginity in "Warrior, Priestess, Tramp".

Leah: Yes, well, we all have our excuses don't we?

Gabrielle: (Xena smirks and Gab turns to her) Were you?"

"Autolycus: Ha ha ha, you're trying to use my ego against me.
 * From "A Royal Couple of Thieves":

Gabrielle: I didn't think it would work.

Autolycus: No, it worked. I'll do it."

"Atolycus: "Well, I hope you two worked things out"."
 * "The Quest". Awkwardness ensued after Xena (in Autolycus' body) kissed Gabrielle.

"''"It's just a little ruby, no one's gonna notice."
 * "The Royal Couple of Thieves". Autolycus is confronted by Xena (Meg in armor) after stealing a ruby.

"The ruby, it's gone!"

"Oh, all right!" (throws it back)

"The ruby, it's back!""