Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood/Funny

"Lucy: If I pulled all the levers, what would be left for you to do?
 * The banter between Desmond and Lucy in the beginning.

Desmond: (shrugs)...Nothing?

Lucy: Nice try."

"Desmond: (In a stereotypical "Joisey" accent) Ey, wassa-matta-you Altaïr?
 * When an Assassin recruit takes down Malfatto (aka the Doctor multiplayer character) in the main storyline, Ezio does the typical "Requiescat in pace" thing, and moves his hand as if to close the target's eyes (as he does with other targets). But since the Doctor wears a mask, Ezio just kinda hovers his hand over the beak, like he doesn't know what to do, before just leaving him.
 * Oddly enough, if you later complete the "Templar Agent" mission to kill Gaspar de la Croix (aka the Engineer multiplayer character), Ezio does do the "close eyes" motion with him despite de la Croix wearing glasses.
 * Examining Altair's statue in the present for the first time leads to this exchange.

Rebecca: That's racist!

Desmond: You're racist!"

"Shaun: Anyone up for some reconciliatory yoga? Anyone?"
 * Which then sparks an argument between Desmond, Lucy, and Rebecca about not working hard enough. After they're done fighting...

"Shaun: Bloody Third World country!
 * Pretty much anything with Shaun and Rebecca.

Rebecca: You're talking about Italy?

Shaun: No, just Europe in general.

Rebecca: I didn't know England was a Third World country.

Shaun: England isn't in Europe, Rebecca. We tolerate Europe. Like a person tolerates herpes."

"Email from Rebecca: Shaun ate both of them. I know because he asked me if I wanted one.
 * Including Shaun Hastings, Dirty Yoghurt Thief.

Email from Lucy: Thank you, Rebecca. Shaun's on clean-up next week.

Email from Shaun: This just in: Rebecca is a Templar."

" : ...What?"
 * When you get back from killing the Banker, and approach the Rosa in Fiore, you receive the next mission, stating that there's trouble inside. There are a bunch of crying courtesans outside, saying that the guards followed the one who took a money chest back. Ezio/the player enter the building, expecting a Player Punch since Ezio's mother and sister are inside...

"Bartolomeo: We have them in retreat.
 * When Bartolomeo and Ezio are discussing the situation with the French.

(a gunshot whizzes past them)

Ezio: ...They seem to be getting closer.

Bartolomeo: The situation is under control.

Mercenary: Close the gates!

Bartolomeo: Bene. So maybe I could use a little help."

"Bartolomeo: You steal a man's wife and hide inside a fortress?! Nothing hangs between your thighs! In fact, there is a hole there so deep it reaches into the maledetto inferno!"
 * Also this line directed at Octavien de Valois:

"Bartolomeo: *patrolling the barracks. He draws Bianca as Ezio approaches* Who goes there?!
 * And then there is his meeting Ezio when he approaches the barracks. Arguably 98% of everything Bartolomeo says qualifies as this.

Ezio: Salve to you, too.

Bartolomeo: Ezio! *sheathes his sword* I was expecting my wife."

"Leonardo: This world gets stranger every day. I shall have to focus on my painting. I'm working on the small portrait of a woman. I am growing rather fond of it.
 * During a Templar Agent side mission where you have to take down Gaspar de la Croix (aka the Engineer in multi-player), Ezio says it should be relatively easy to overwhelm a single gunman right before a bullet whizzes directly by his head. His shocked reaction sells it: "Merda..."
 * After the second infiltration of the Castel Sant'Angelo, the next time that Ezio visits Leonardo, he will ask if Ezio is the one behind 's demise and Ezio denies it. Then, this comes up:

Ezio: Do not let a beautiful girl distract you from constructing my designs.

Leonardo: (wrapping his arm around Ezio) Have no worries. Women provide little distraction.

Ezio: Wait, I don't get it.

(Ezio gives him a weird look. Leonardo slowly removes his arm from Ezio and tucks it in his lap.)"

"Cristina: What?
 * In his first repressed memory, we see Ezio attempt to woo Cristina. He fails. His dorky smile says it all.
 * Worse yet, that in and of itself is his attempt to woo her.

Ezio: (confused) What?

Cristina: Why are you just standing there?"

"Ezio: Aspetta! (Wait!) I wasn't ready. I was planning on being really charming. And funny! Can I just have a second chance?"
 * Cristina's expression as she watched Ezio trip over his words during his attempted wooing is equally hilarious. Also, following Cristina's rejection, Ezio hilariously honest reply:

"Cardinal #1: His name is Ezio Auditore.
 * The memory "A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" (the Lair of Romulus in the Basilica di San Pietro) is full of these.
 * While Ezio is standing in the middle of a group of Cardinals -- the only guy wearing white (or usually non-red) in a crowd of red robes -- this conversation is overheard:

Cardinal #2: Who?

Cardinal #1: The Assassin. Killed the Banker. Some say he even walks the halls of il Vaticano with no one able to stop him."

"Cardinal: Sanctuary denied!"
 * Ezio is chasing a corrupt Cardinal across a church rooftop. The Cardinal flees through a window as Ezio finally catches up, and promptly slams it shut in Ezio's face.

"Ezio: (catches the Cardinal by his necklace, halting his fall)
 * If you kill The Cardinal by throwing him off the edge:

Cardinal: You saved me! Praise God!

Ezio: (yanks the key off of his neck, letting him fall to his death) Requiescat in Pace."

"Doctor: Auf Wiedersehen! ...That's French."
 * The very idea that a Cardinal in full garb (as opposed to the half-naked Juan Borgia) has free running skills that rival Ezio's is hilarious in and of itself.
 * Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of either French, German, or both likely found one of the Doctors' parting words snicker-worthy.

"Guard A: [...]Great rulers rise and fall like leaves in the wind.
 * Which doubles as a Brick Joke, albeit a subtle one - near the beginning of the game, the technician operating the Animus briefly mentions that the translating software they're using has a tendency to glitch when trying to deal with German or French.
 * When hunting down the Baron de Valois to kill him, if atop the rooftop overlooking him and the captured Pantisilea, it's possible to cause the Baron de Valois to face a particular direction (by killing the arquebusier and throwing the body down), then quietly killing the other arquebusiers that come to investigate. When you throw money down at him afterward, the Baron will react like a guard in performing the "waving you along" motion even though he's not facing anyone -- allowing you to (if done properly) jump down, grab Pantasilea and walk her out of there unscathed. In even more inadvertent hilarity, if you let go of her or she pushes you off, she'll immediately return to the "bound and kneeling" position.
 * If the player has a group of mercenaries following him, they will react to NPC's like you. If you push a minstrel away, one of the mercenaries will break off from the group to chase him, purely out of spite. Now that's going the extra mile.
 * Ezio drops the injured  down a shaft into the "usual" hay bale and seems strangely delighted at her disapproval.
 * Likely because  had just admitted to Ezio that the only reason she slept with him the night before the Siege of Monteriggioni was to really make sure that he'd lend her some of his mercenaries in defending Forlì against the Borgia. Sure, he'd answered, "Politics, I understand. You not need explain," but...
 * The best part is her calling Ezio "son of a bitch" in Italian after they leave the haystack.
 * Pretty much anytime there's a bandit ambush after Ezio has recruited Assassins becomes one of these. The bandits yell out in glee that they're about to strike it rich and how Ezio is a dead man, and his only response is to wave his hand. A couple of seconds later, the robbers get at best a moment to scream in terror before the Assassins massacre them.
 * During the final sequence, if you choose to be a little more sneaky on your approach, you will hear some of the guards talk about . Toward the end of the conversation, you get this:

Guard B: I will give you wind! (Both laugh)"

"Desmond: If Shaun's right, that is.
 * This little tidbit.

Shaun: I'm always right.

Desmond: About that 'dead-end'...

Shaun: ThatneverhappenedIwasmisquoted."

"Shaun: His last words were "Oh bother, I seem to be turning into a god." Which, incidentally, will be my last words.
 * Several of Shauns database entries.

...were raised by the She-Wolf. Which, incidentally, is the nickname for my girlfriend in the Hasting's household. Don't ask.

If we survive this, I'm going to go fishing here. You're not invited."

"Drunk #1: (After Ezio enters) Did you see that white knight?
 * Just before Sequence 8,  is unlocked, which contains  . Near the entrance, there are two drunks, and when Ezio enters, the drunks notice...

Drunk #2: humumumumm..."

"Drunk #1: (After Ezio comes out) There he goes again!
 * Which is made even more hiliarious if you're not white, such as wearing an alt costume that's not white, or if you dyed your self different colors other than white.
 * And when Ezio comes back out...

Drunk #2: *More drunken Mumbling*

Drunk #1 *Sigh*..."

"Ezio kicks ass.
 * Some of the things the guards say when Ezio is doing well in a fight:

Guard, in a very coy tone of voice and backing off: Nice assassino... Put it down, yes?"

"Everyone else is dead
 * Or...

Terrified Guard: You know, I always thought you were a, uh kind and, um, noble... *Flees*"

"Salaì: He is so cheap! I have to beg him for money.
 * Guards sometimes claim to suffer Thanatosphobia if Ezio is winning a fight.
 * Early in the DLC, Leonardo da Vinci's artistic apprentice Gian Giacomo Caprotti, aka Salaì, asks Ezio if he was one of 's monks, to which Ezio answered, "My church is not of God." Salaì's response: "Outside of the church of God is the realm of men. You worship there, messere?" Later on, Salaì complains about Leonardo penny-pinching:

Ezio: He actually gives you coins?"

"Ezio: "Someone my age." Imbecille. (Jerk.) (as he climbs the tower) Ow, my back."
 * Finally, after Ezio reunites with Leonardo the latter asks about Salaì, to which Ezio explained that Salaì was safely in Leonardo's workshop. Leonardo expressed relief, quickly amending that to be "about my florins," but Ezio declared, "You need not lie to me. Salaì fits you. I approve."
 * More humorously, it could be interpreted that Ezio's finally figured out what Leonardo meant about "women providing little distraction," three years later.
 * The first doctor Ezio sees informs him that someone his age could not recover normally from his wounds. Ezio leaves politely enough, but when he gets out of earshot...

"Machiavelli: "I plan to write a book about you one day."
 * This one doubles as a Genius Bonus

Ezio: "If you do, keep it short.""

"Which one goes first, the head, or the cunt?!"
 * If you visit Leonardo after completing sequence 6 he starts talking about how general De Valois was found dead inside his own camp, to which Ezio responds with this gem "Could it have been an assassin?" Leonardo goes on (oblivious) about there being some theories that confirm it, and Ezio ends it with "You shouldn't listen to gossip Leonardo, it might get you in trouble."
 * Killing a guard with a broom: Funny. Seeing a broom impacting with the same force and sound as a mace? Hilarious. But killing a guard with a broom and getting the achievement "Spring Cleaning"? Minutes of nonstop laughter.
 * How about slitting a guards throat with a broom?
 * Splinters, maybe?
 * One of the captains in charge of a Borgia-controlled guard tower can be found giving advice to his men from horseback, explaining to them that they may be under attack from assassins and gives them somewhat helpful hints about how to fight them. One of those tips is that they rarely go for a full-out frontal attack. Sending in yourself and all of your recruited assassins at that moment certainly qualifies. Especially if one of the signalled assassins rides in on a horse of their own from out of nowhere to kill him.
 * Ezio's taunts are pretty hiliarious, but this one defiantly stands out:


 * Charged attacks with Heavy Weapons. Headshotting a guard on a tower above you with a thrown Scottish claymore is both this and a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
 * Overheard from a townsperson after a successful battle with guards: "This is our just reward - entrusting our security to incompetent guards!"