Justified (TV series)/Funny

"Deputy Tim Gutterson: ...two white males drove up in a dark SUV, they parked at that corner by the curb, one male got out with what looked like a bazooka, said a few words, and then fired at the church.
 * This excerpt from witness testimony in the pilot on what Boyd yelled before blowing up a black church:

Raylan Givens: What'd he say? This fella that got out of the SUV?

Tim: One said it was "Liars and Hoes", another heard "Time to go"...my favorite's "Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-ho."

Raylan: Great. We should put out an APB on Cab Calloway.

Tim: I think he's dead.

Raylan: Then he should be easy to find."

"Raylan: "Is that it, Rolly, are you trying to tell me you're gay?!""
 * Episode 1x04, "Long in the Tooth," has a scene in which Raylan and a fugitive (Roland Pike) are under sniper fire. Roland tries to spit out a confession using a long Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer analogy, resulting in Raylan asking:

"Deputy Tim Gutterson: I'm a deputy U.S. Marshal, ordering you to get me some chicken.
 * Episode 1x08, "Blowback", in which a deputy US Marshal walks into a fried chicken grill:

Griller: I shut down the broiler--

Gutterson: What's that? *points to a delivery bag*

Griller: That's the last order for delivery--

Gutterson: I'll take it.

Griller: Like HELL you will--

Gutterson: I'm officially requisitioning this chicken. If this *slaps down some cash* doesn't pay for it, send an invoice to the courthouse.

Griller: But... what do I tell the customer?

Gutterson: You tell 'em the U.S. Marshal service is grateful for their patriotism. *walks out*"

"Raylan Givens: I'd rather stick my dick in a blender."
 * How about this gem from Episode 1x06 "the Collection"? When Raylan is offered to see an art collector's collection of "Hitler paintings" he responds with:

"Dewey: You might strike out the shepherd, but us sheep, we will never get struck out. Or scattered.
 * Then there's what happens to the paintings...
 * Dewey Crowe is responsible for a lot of these. From 1x11, "Veterans":

Raylan: Or words to that effect."

"[[spoiler:Raylan: I'm Raylan Givens!

Boyd: No, I'm Raylan Givens!

Raylan: You trying to be funny?

Boyd: A little.]]"

"Raylan: I know was probably hard for you to get where you are in the Marshall service.
 * The scene at the end of "Long in the Tooth" where Rachel tries on Raylan's hat in the car. This troper giggled all through it.
 * Also when Rachel and Raylan have their first long chat in the car:

Rachel: Why? Because I'm female? Because I'm black?

Raylan: No, because you're an idiot.

Rachel: (astonished and somewhat amused look)"

"Raylan: Do you know where I'm from, asshole?
 * 2x03, "The I of the Storm". Dewey Crowe's entire story in the episode, including Raylan's ease at disproving his attempt to frame him.
 * 2x06, "Blaze of Glory," provides us a fantastic chase scene, in which
 * From the same episode: Raylan is staring down a bankrobber who has what he (the bankrobber) thinks is dynamite strapped to his chest:

Robber: No, where?

Raylan: Harlan County.

Robber: So?

Raylan punches the guy in the face

Raylan:"

"Raylan: I gotta talk to some people, alone. So either you let me go, or I'm gonna have to give you the slip.
 * 2x11, "Full Commitment." Tim is assigned to be a very reluctant Raylan's bodyguard. It goes less than smooth.

Tim: I love this shit. This shit gets me hard.

Raylan: ...Well, then, we've both been warned."

"Graham Yost: Hitting a guy once with a car? That's okay. Twice? That's funny."
 * 3x3, "Harlan Roulette": The scene listed on the Main Page of this trope under Mutual Kill. It doesn't sound funny, but it's absolutely hilarious, watching what ought to be a great success for Raylan (and a relatively small one for Glenn Fogle) fall apart due to Fogle's dimwitted henchman. I guess you just had to be there . ..
 * 3x4, "The Devil You Know", the prison guard who  is heading back to his hotel room when Raylan spots him from his car. The guard drops his chicken and goes for his gun, thinking he's got the upperhand. Raylan runs him over. Twice.
 * The second time, Raylan actually sees the guard getting up through his rear view mirror and rolls his eyes before putting the car in reverse.
 * In an interview the executive producer explained the thought process when creating the scene

"Boyd: I sense a disturbance in the force.
 * While grilling Limehouse, Rachel mentions she was born in Tennessee, which piques Raylan's interest and the two of them go off on a tangent that makes Limehouse roll his eyes and suspect that the two are more than Just Friends. Even funnier, just before they leave, Limehouse makes a thinly veiled pass at Rachel and the look on her and Raylan's faces is hysterical.
 * Also from "The Devil You Know":

In walks Raylan."

"Dewey: (after sticking up an appliance store to discover that everybody uses credit cards now) I need cash! (grabs clerk) Where do people use cash?!
 * Pretty much everything poor Dewey Crowe goes through during "Thick as Mud." Some selected quotes during his hold-up rampage:

Dewey's next scene

Dewey: (taking a small wad of 1s from a stripper) Oh, Jesus, not again! Don't tell me guys pay you by credit card! I saw some girl say on TV she can make three thousand bucks in one night on the pole! Now granted, she was a 9.5 and you're a 6 if I'm feeling generous but you'd be good for a grand or so!

Stripper: It's ten o'clock in the morning, and Lexington ain't hardly Vegas!"


 * Then there's everything that happens in the convenience store, where he learns not to stick up or blaspheme in the house of a pious man.:

"Clerk: I'm not sure I like your attitude.

Dewey: Well, I'm sure I don't give a good goddamn either way!

Clerk: Son, I'll ask you not to blaspheme in here.

Dewey: Listen, you old shit, I need to find this address! Now, you gonna help me or not?!

Clerk: Well, let's say not and leave it at that.

Dewey: Oh, you wanna leave it like that, huh? (aims pistol at the clerk) You see what happens, dumb-ass?! I was just gonna get the directions and be on my way! Can't imagine you got much in this dump worth taking but whatever you got you can give over just for pissing me off!

(Beat, as the clerk just eyes Dewey, still smiling)

Dewey: Jesus Christ, are you deaf or somethin'?

Clerk: Son, you've cursed His name twice, and there's not gonna be a third time.

Dewey: ...got to be about the stupidest GOD--(shotgunn'd)"


 * Of course, this being Dewey, he manages to survive, and continue bringing the funny. When Raylan catches up with him...:

"Raylan: What the hell you talking about?

Dewey: It's best you not blaspheme in here, Raylan. Apparently the owner takes that real serious!"

"Dewey: Holy shit...you mean I got four kidneys!?"
 * And this little gem, when he's asked to take a piss, to check if his kidneys are still there.

"Rachel: (stares at him) You touched me.
 * Also, Raylan's terrible "Lawrence Nightingale" pun and the ensuing explanation of the joke. Rachel's expression doesn't even change.
 * Upon having to deal with the FBI, Art releases this little gem: "There must be some kind of Dick Test that all FBI agents have to pass."
 * In that same episode, Tim uses Raylan's name as a verb. He doesn't explain it but in the context, it basically means to ride up on a criminal, threaten them, beat the shit out of them, and put the God of fear in them. Raylan claims: "I don't even know what that means."
 * When Quarles finds out how complicated running a crooked election in Harlan County can get, the expression on his face is a mix of boredom, annoyance and horror. Up to that point he thought that all he had to do was bribe the right people and Limehouse was just fishing for a bigger bribe when he suggested hiring a 'campaign manager'.
 * In season three, Duffy's facial expressions when he behold's Quarles instability and recklessness. The look on his face during the trailer scene between Quarles and Donovan in "Guy Walks into a Bar" was priceless.
 * A thug pulls a knife on Raylan, who then flashes his gun and groans: "Shit. I forgot my knife."
 * Rachel demands to see some drug dealers to ask about Dickie Bennett and one of the enforcers, a typical idiot misogynistic racist, won't let her pass and then makes the mistake of touching her shoulder.

Thug: (smiles) Would you like me to do it again?

Rachel: (kicks him in the nuts and calmly walks past him)"

"Art: Why? Because we shot the guy looking to kill the guy you wish were dead?"
 * Pretty much everything the perky bartender girl says to Raylan in "Loose Ends", "Guy Walks Into a Bar", and "Measures."
 * In "Measures" Raylan and Art speculate if God is laughing at them.

"Quarles:Oh shit!It's a piggy bank!"
 * In "Measures" Art shoots a thug in the leg and then realizes how much paperwork he has to fill out as a result. He gains a new appreciation of what Raylan has to go through on a regular basis.
 * In "Slaughterhouse," seeing the normally calm and collected Duffy lose his cool when Raylan played Russian Roulette with him. A screaming, panic-stricken Duffy is comedy gold.
 * In a very serious case of Crosses the Line Twice in the season 3 finale, Raylan tells Winona that the cops said
 * Quarles, who at this point has gone totally off the deep end, laughing at the hiding place of the money. Stuffed inside a pig.


 * In "Watching the Detectives," the cop's awestruck reaction to Raylan's "next one's coming a little faster" recap: "Deputy, that just might be the coolest thing I've ever laid ears on."