Horrible Fanfic E-H

Important Note: Merely being offensive in its subject matter is not enough to justify a work as So Bad It's Horrible. Hard as it is to imagine at times, there is a market for all types of deviancy (no matter how small a niche it is). It has to fail to appeal even to that niche to qualify as this. Any descriptions that fail to imply anything but offensiveness will be deleted.


 * Eevee TF TG (As it advertises, Transformation and Transgendering; Genital Mutilation; Beige Prose; abuse of the English language;failing everything forever; threatened genderbending. A MST can be found here, and sporkings can be found here and here.)
 * Fandom: Pokémon...in name only.
 * Synopsis: Phil is walking through a park and decides that he's thirsty, and so he buys a drink and gets naked (!!). A pink Eevee named Sam walks up to Phil and tells him that he should go to the bathroom while he has his drink, at which point "Phil walked in as a pink Eevee walked out bleeding from the pussy". While Phil is sitting naked in the bathroom, drinking, Sam pulls out a pair of "gender change scissors" and gets ready to snip off Phil's genitals to transform him into a pink Eevee as well.
 * Comments: This is a very short fic, but the sheer amount of awful the author managed to cram into those few words is astounding. The writing is brief, blunt, and terrible; the plot makes absolutely no sense and is creepy besides; and--here's the ironic part-- it was advertised as being "erotic". You know you're dealing with something atrocious when the author has yet to find a fan on Deviant ART, which is known for being kinky. Literally every comment on this story (save one, which says "XD") is negative, and they range from horrified confusion to disgust. Quite possibly the nicest thing anybody has to say about this story--besides the aforementioned "XD"--could be paraphrased as "Hey, with something so horrible under your belt, you've got nowhere to go but up!"

"ï¿½It will be okayï¿½ you can just use your power to turn my cum into water and then it wont be babies,ï¿½ he said as he started to tittyfuck her. Her boobs were huge so they could wrap them around his weiner like bumblebees.""
 * Face the Strange (crossover, explicit sex, rape) (read here)
 * Fandoms: Harry Potter, Twilight, Sonic the Hedgehog, The X Men, and anything else the author likes.
 * Pairings: Dally (self-insert Sue)/almost every male in the story, molesting Dumbledore/victims
 * Synopsis: Dally (a self-insert Mary-Sue) goes to Hogwarts with her "friend" Edward Cullen, who seems to be in love with her. She goes on to have sex with Heiei, who happens to be Mistique's son and can get her powers by getting married. Because of this, Dally ends up pregnant. Apparently, teen pregnancy is illegal at Hogwarts. Past that, the plot gets extremely confusing; but you will find demon/vampire babies and Dumbledore molesting people.
 * Comments: Many believe the author is a really good troll, but she has stated multiple times that she honestly thinks that this is a good story. The sheer WTF-ery is enough to warrant this being here.
 * This story contains this immortal paragraph:


 * Family Matters by Kinsfire. Requires registration to read: a partially-sporked version can be found here, additional comments here. (Character Derailment, Ron the Death Eater, Canon Defilement, explicit sex, Coma Sex, Not Safe For Humanity.)
 * Fandom: Harry Potter
 * Pairings: Harry/Hermione, Harry/Mrs. Granger, Ron/Padma/Parvati/Luna, Sirius/Neville/Ginny/Susan, Tons/Lupin
 * Synopsis: Starts at the end of Fifth Year. After being horribly abused by Uncle Vernon, Harry runs away to stay with the Grangers, who are really cool, practice nudism, and have no problem with him having sex with their sixteen-year-old daughter. There's something about Voldemort too... But good luck getting past Chapter Eleven. We have been continually told that Mrs Granger looks like she could be Hermione's older sister, we have been told that the nudism the Grangers practice is totally not about sex, and then Harry has sex with Mrs Granger. He just made a mistake, for it was dark, and she looks like Hermione. Harry fucks her exactly the same way her husband does. Then she gets pregnant. Mr Granger is okay with it -- "it was an honest mistake", and they've always wanted another child. Oh, and it's twins. Hermione gets pregnant thanks to magical coma sex. Both female Grangers give birth on the same day and OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.... In the end, everyone who's GOOD get a Happily Ever After with lots of Polyamory and Babies Ever After. Everyone who's BAD gets what's coming to them. Harry also becomes Minister of Magic at sixteen.
 * Comments: There's the nudism that the Grangers practice, including Hermione. The author writes as if there is nothing wrong with a sixteen year old girl being naked around her parents, or with people being naked around people who don't practice nudism. This is most glaring in Chapter Eleven. Further discussion of that is here.


 * A Forgotten Race of Dragon; original thread
 * Fandom: Dragon Booster crossed with Real Person Fic
 * Synopsis: Reignbeau, a new and extremely powerful dragon, appears in Dragon City. She displays a wide array of powers, including talking and a super-attack called the WAVE OF DISTRUCTION (no, really). The bad guys initially oppose her, but she owns them; they repent. Also, her rider is Ewan McGregor.
 * Comments: While Dragon Booster fics have often featured new dragons or Mary Sues, this was the first fic with a dragon Mary-Sue in it. Reignbeau's superpowers destroy any chance of the fic being more than Reignbeau simply showing off her powers. The canon characters are reduced to either spectators or evil people; most other aspects of canon present are completely screwed up. Rouge Angles of Satin abound, as does extremely poor grammar. The crapfest is topped off by the random inclusion of Ewan McGregor as a character.


 * For Your Eyes Only (on ffnet here) (Hermaphrodite sex, brief but unpleasant Gorn, rape portrayed positively, sex between Petting Zoo People, Lolicon/Shotacon, You Fail Sex Ed Forever, AU, Character Derailment, Canon Defilement, Idiot Plot, Unfortunate Implications, character death, Super Ultra Mambo-Tango-Foxtrot Biology Fail)
 * Fandom: Naruto In Name Only.
 * Pairing: Naruto/Sasuke (or is that Sasuke/Naruto?), Gaara/Lee, Kakashi/Iruka, Neji/Hinata
 * Synopsis: This fic takes place in an AU which resembles 21st-century Real Life Japan, except that all the students have been transformed into hermaphroditic toddler-like beings with animal ears and tails. Even though they still have human intelligence, speak human languages, and are permitted to own property and money, they remain the "pets" of the adult characters and have no rights over their own living conditions or breeding cycles. Naruto is a Uke cat/fox hermaphrodite who goes into heat and is forced to mate with Seme cat/wolf hermaphrodite Sasuke, which results in Twu Wuv...somehow.
 * Comments: Every single character, "pet" and human alike, is so Out of Character that they could not see their normal selves with the Hubble telescope. Even though the pets are supposed to be hermaphrodites, and even though their canonical selves are not like this, both the pets and the humans fulfill every single offensive gender stereotype possible; it's as if the author was using a checklist. Naruto is still referred to with male pronouns, but he acts like a stereotypical cutesy little girl except for all the sex. He is supposed to be sixteen years old but behaves childishly. He speaks in a combination of Baby Talk and You No Take Candle so severe that he cannot correctly pronounce his own name -- it always comes out as "Naryuho". The supposedly-appealing childishness crosses into blatant stupidity at times; at sixteen years old, he is apparently unfamiliar with the word "women"!
 * Rape Is Love occurs off-handedly, and the nightmarishly cheerful tone of the author's notes suggests that the author doesn't get why it's a problem. For instance, the author says that Neji is "being sooo nice to Hinata" by raping her in her sleep! The author also sees nothing wrong with the living conditions of the cat-children in general or their mating habits in particular.
 * Sakura gets bashed and later snuffed out for somehow being in the way of Sasuke and Naruto's relationship, even though she barely interacts with either of them and doesn't even have dialogue. First, she is described as a complete hobag, even though she rejects Naruto and only ever even flirts with one character - and the latter happens offscreen. Later, Sasuke kills her simply for touching him. Meanwhile, their "owners" are more concerned about the mess and the inconvenience than the violent, senseless death of a sapient being whom they own.
 * There are a lot of Retcons and schools of Voodoo Sharks trying to explain how the demi-humans are able to breed. For example, the hermaphroditic pets have their uteri connected to their recta, and only ukes grow a vagina later on. Also, raccoon Gaara has babies with frog Lee. Since the characters are basically human with animal ears and tails and frogs don't have external ears or tails, it's unclear how they can tell that he's supposed to be a frog; but that's frankly the least of the fic's problems.


 * Girls (Scream) Aloud (rape, character death, Gorn, AU)
 * Fandom: Real Person Fic
 * Pairings: Girls Aloud members/evil Original Character(s)
 * Synopsis: A sick little tale about "the very sexy deaths of all five members of the world's sexiest all-girl group" -- in this case, British pop group Girls Aloud. They wind up raped and dismembered through the course of the story before their body parts were sold on eBay. Yeah.
 * Comments: In the grand tradition of Gorn-filled fanfic causing panic throughout the Internet and the media, Darryn Walker was arrested and taken to court for writing this, although he was found not guilty once an IT expert showed that, despite the sensationalist rantings of the tabloids, the fic could only be found by people explicitly searching for it, rather than randomly stumbled across by young fans of Girls Aloud. (This is the sort of thing that makes people uneasy about Real Person Fic; no one arrested the author of "Agony in Pink." Though they should have.) What makes this hilarious is that the news report didn't bother to omit the name of the fanfic to keep it from being Googled into oblivion... It isn't even that well-written - there isn't enough punctuation.


 * Giroro's Secret (explicit (Hermaphrodite sex, Character Derailment) Now with a MST!
 * Fandom Keroro Gunsou
 * Parings: Kururu/Herm Giroro
 * Synopsis: Kururu finds out that his subordinate Corporal Giroro is a herm. They fuck. The fic ends with the two of them getting all mushy and gushy toward one another.
 * Comments: The spelling and grammar is good (other than an inexplicable "hard throbbing sick"), but everything else is a trainwreck. The author describes every breath they take and every twitch and throb of their penises. The sex is puke-worthy, and the romance at the end is overly sappy by Kururu's standards. (In canon, he's known to be a sneaky little pervert.)
 * Not to mention the river of, ahem, natural lubricant. The river gushing all the way down to his feet. The mind... boggles. In general, reading this fanfic is akin to being smacked upside the head with a sledgehammer covered in bewildered neon question marks.


 * Harry Potter turns to the Lord. A MST can be found here.
 * Fandom: Harry Potter
 * Synopsis: Harry Potter runs away from Hogwarts and into the clutches of a fanatical Christian Marty Stu who, with Jack Chick's brand of insta-convert evangelism, convinces Harry that witchcraft is evil and turns him into a devout Christian in less than a week.
 * Comments: A contrived, badly written Christian propaganda fanfiction that manages to break canon in almost every conceivable area.
 * This is a case of "Did Not Do the Research." In the words of Ned Flanders, "And Harry Potter and his Wizard friends went to Hi-diddly Hell for practicing witchcraft and wizardry." (Okay, so this fic is about preventing that, but you get the idea.)
 * Extra points for the author himself giving the fic a positive review. Speaking of reviews, some of them are hoping this is just Troll Fic, but who knows?


 * "A Haunting Past". An MST of the story is here. (crossover, character death)
 * Fandom: Super Mario In Name Only, crossed with Sailor Moon.
 * Synopsis: Lemmy Koopa breaks his ball. After a bunch of pointless plots, a bunch of random people get into a pseudo Power Rangers/DBZ/Sailor Moon fight with the Quirky Miniboss Squad from Super Mario RPG. Then Sailor Moon & co arrives, they fight some more, Chibi Moon dies, the heroes win via a lame and corny Heroic Sacrifice, and it finally degrades into a totally irrelevant mess before finally ending.
 * Comments: A truly horrific Super Mario fanfic that ditches anything that has to do with Mario near the beginning and goes plummeting down from there. Plot Holes, terrible writing, a Marty Stu, and a nonsensical and pathetic story......it's all there. Oh, and the cast of Sailor Moon arrives halfway through for no reason. The MST is much better.


 * Hogwarts Exposed by Neil. (Yahoo! group here.) A mass sporking (no one person in the group could handle the entire thing) can be found here. (Rape, possible pedophilia, torture, naturism -- practiced by adults, teenaqers, preteens, children and toddlers.)
 * Fandom: Harry Potter
 * Pairing: Harry/Hermione, Ron/OC
 * Synopsis: Harry, Hermione, Ron, Draco, and Ginny all taking jobs as teachers at Hogwarts. Harry and Hermione quickly hook up and proceed to adopt several Mary Sue original characters. The adopted children are all naturists and quickly convince Harry and Hermione to take it up...
 * Comments: It is one giant mass of Author Appeal and virtually every kind of sexual Fetish Fuel. Like in The Girl Who Lived, emphasis is placed on naturism. Hermione is reduced to being Sickeningly Sweethearts with Harry. Ginny is turned into a slut who sleeps around with a truckload of men and wears dresses that are revealing; Hermione and the girls do too, but that's fine because it's "innocent." Ron is a werewolf who broke Hermione's heart after sleeping with as many women as he could, served time in Azkaban, and eventually hooked up with an American witch named Samantha who turns out to be a naturist as well (along with her two-year-old son). Draco and Neville both end up lusting endlessly after Hermione, staring shamelessly up her shorts when they exercise together... The fanfic and its sequels also have a tendency to turn even the most innocent things into sexual assault, torture, or humiliation. Caitlin and Jamie (the adopted Mary Sues) are raped but apparently suffer no ill effects. Jamie decides that her virginity is her most precious gift, and she wishes to give it to Harry; keep in mind that he is an adult and she is a fifth year student. Hermione is, at one point, kidnapped via a Portkey which leaves her clothes behind; she is then locked in a cage, tortured, and almost raped.
 * The author went on to write three more fanfics in the series, Hogwarts Too Exposed (which introduces Emily), Hogwarts Overexposed (which involves, among other things, Harry, Hermione, and their adopted children vacationing at a nudist beach), and Hogwarts Underexposed (which involves Hogwarts allowing nudism to be practiced whenever desired, along with a disabled student named Claudia).
 * A mass sporking of Hogwarts Too Exposed can be found here. The warning given by the sporkers: "Warnings: Excessive nudity, language, torture, pedophilia, voyeurism, watersports, scat, sex, rape, and rage-inducing topics multiplied by ten from the last fic. This fic should not be read by children or other living things. EVER. In fact, it should just be destroyed, preferably along with the author." An ongoing sporking of the third story can be found here.
 * This cannot be stressed enough: the author is a pedophile. Thus, we get charming scenes such as that where an eleven-year-old girl and her twelve-year-old adopted sister perform oral sex on one another while their adopted parents listen in from another room. The parents are fine with the underage sex and mostly worry about whether their daughters are gay.


 * Homestrike. The link goes to a MST. (explicit sex, rape)
 * Fandom: Resident Evil
 * Pairings: non-con zombies/recruit
 * Summary: Something goes horribly wrong in the Resident Evil universe. There's a new recruit whose rank keeps changing and whose vagina leads to her stomach, and zombie gang rape.
 * Comments: PJ is notorious in the Resident Evil fandom. It's debatable whether he's having a laugh at all of us here, or if he's simply clinically sexually insane. Oh, and have you ever wondered why they were called Lickers?
 * It Got Worse - the website T-S-S-A (no direct links available) has reposted the original.


 * The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi (Excessive Character Derailment, misogyny, rude author, Rouge Angles of Satin, Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma, Double Standard, slash, character death.) A MST is here.
 * Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
 * Pairings: Sora/Riku
 * Synopsis: Sora is ready to tell Riku how he feels about their relationship until Kairi comes along. She yells at Sora for no reason at all (aside from the fact that the author obviously hates her). Sora tells Kairi that Riku loves her (invoking a Panty Shot out of nowhere), which gets her to leave. Then he meets up with Riku, who somehow already knows how Sora feels and says he returns the feelings. But before Sora and Riku get serious, Kairi shows up again, and the two men kill her in horrible ways. After she dies, Selphie picks up her corpse, planning to do all sorts of "fun stuff." The End.
 * Comments: Man, is this author mad, mad, mad... She thinks Kairi is a slut because of her miniskirt, but she has Sora and Riku make out on the open beach. Sora and Riku would not do that to Kairi, and Kairi would not be so nasty to Sora.
 * This fanfic... backfires. Rather than explain why Kairi is the kind of person who would deserve an execution (in- or out-of-universe), she makes the narrator unlikeable. Rather than paint Sora and Riku as a loving couple beleagured with Kairi's antics, she turns them into Complete Monsters for the sake of offing the remaining potential love interest. Rather than successfully portray Kairi's murder as a justified killing, she leaves us feeling sorry for her. And finally, instead of giving us a stirring example of Girl-On-Girl Is Hot, she leaves us with a disturbing mental image that says a lot about her psychologically.
 * The story's badness and the writer's insanity make the MST hard to sit through.


 * How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (In Name Only, Gorn, surgical procedures glorified and described in great detail, Squick)
 * Fandom: Dragon Ball
 * Pairings: Videl/Gohan, Videl/Vegeta, both promptly ignored.
 * Synopsis: Videl researches abortion and gets incredibly aroused. Gohan steps in; they promptly boff. Later, Videl realizes she's five months pregnant and gets an abortion, enjoying every step of the process, down to looking at the remains. She leaves, saving the clinic's number.
 * Comments: This fic is sickening. It did for its fetish what Cloud Mows The Lawn did to scat: it's a vehicle for a paraphilia that backfires, creating, in this case, a scenario even pro-choicers would say hit the Moral Event Horizon. This may also have fanfic's Most Triumphant Example of Esoteric Happy Ending. What makes this worse is the gutwrenching detail of the descriptions of the surgical procedures, along with her reactions to them.
 * This is the second fic Bricken has discovered which he refuses to touch. He considers it worse than even Rectified Anonymity (see below).