Magic: The Gathering/Funny

Storylines

 * The webcomic Journey to the Eye part 1. It's not easy to find a good guide to travel in a Death World...
 * Dark Discoveries part 1. Don't butt into Tezzeret's business; he doesn't like it.

Flavor Text
Cards are not popular just for their effects, brokenness or artwork. Many cards find their ways into players' hearts because the Flavor Text accompanying the card ties everything together and is often hilarious. "The pyromancer summoned up her mightiest onslaught of fire and rage. Jace feigned interest."
 * Counterspell (Jace vs. Chandra)

""Spontaneous combustion is a myth. If you burst into flame, someone wanted you to." --Chandra Nalaar"
 * Incinerate (Magic 2012)

""Yes, I think ‘toast' is an appropriate description." --Jaya Ballard, task mage"
 * And lest we forget its classic version (Ice Age-Tenth Edition)

""Some have said there is no subtlety to destruction. You know what? They're dead." --Jaya Ballard, task mage"
 * Inferno (Eight Edition)

""Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire." --Jaya Ballard, task mage"
 * Sizzle

""I said 'pick his brain," not 'tear off his head.'""
 * Discombobulate (Onslaught/10th Edition)

""Everybody but me--CHARGE!""
 * Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician (Time Spiral/Elves vs. Goblins)

"They certainly are."
 * Goblin Offensive (Urza's Saga)

"The correct answer to a barbarian's riddle is to choke on your own cleverness and die."
 * Stranglehold (Commander)

"The knights see a worthy quarry. The dragon sees breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
 * Hunted Dragon (Ravnica)

"Step 1: Find your cousin.
 * Any quote related to goblins is bound to be this. Just to name a few:
 * Fodder Cannon (Urza's Destiny)

Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.

Step 3: Find another cousin."

""The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!""
 * Goblin Balloon Brigade (Magic 2011)

"The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one."
 * Goblin Assassin (Legions)

""Throw rocks at 'em! Throw spears at 'em! Throw Furt at 'em!""
 * Goblin Lookout (Legions)

"''"Darius?"
 * Wave of Indifference (Onslaught)

"Yeah?"

"There's a goblin sneaking up on you."

"So?"

"Just sayin'."''"

""Species XR 17 feeds upon the mental energies of its victims. This explains why the goblins remain unaffected.""
 * Synapse Sliver (Legions)

""The goblin word for "flying" is more accurately translated as "falling slowly.""
 * Goblin Sky Raider (Tenth Edition)

""Rauck-Chauv's like a holiday! Only it isn't on the calendars, and instead of dancing you knock people flat, and instead of giving gifts you break stuff.""
 * Tin Street Hooligan (Guildpact)

""So he's got a sword. Big deal."
 * Town Sentry (Portal: Second Age)

"Yeah it's a big deal--it's a big sword!""

""Just look at him, groveling on all fours! What a pathetic--uh-oh.""
 * Tormented Pariah ("moon" side) (Innistrad)

""So they want to kill my men? Well two can play at that game." --General Khurzog"
 * Orcish Artillery (Tenth Edition)

""That was fun! Now me.""
 * Handcuffs (Unglued)

""The enemy has been destroyed, sir. So have the forest, the city, your palace, your dog..." --Keldon soldier"
 * Obliterate (Eight Edition)

""Take the bridge, men! Victory! Victory is ou—Retreat! RETREAT!""
 * Killer Instinct (Guildpact)

""We'll scale these cliffs, traverse Brittle Bridge, and then fight our way down the volcanic slopes on the other side."
 * Canyon Minotaur (2011 Core)

"Isn't the shortest route through the canyon?"

"Yes."

"So shouldn't we—"

"No.""

"Squee bounced up and down. "I sees a horsey, an' a piggy, an' a—"
 * Aluren (Tempest)

"If you don't shut up," hissed Mirri, "you'll see a kidney and a spleeny.""

""Garl, adjust the slurry dispensers. Garl, fetch more corpses. Garl, quit crying and give me your brain tissue. If he doesn't stop being so rude, I'm quitting.""
 * Deranged Assistant (Innistrad)

""I'd like to buy a bowel.""
 * Wheel of Torture (Urza's Legacy)

""I want a banana this big!""
 * Gorilla Titan's flavor text was on both the "most liked Odyssey flavor text" and "most hated Odyssey flavor text" lists.

"In addition to killing peasants, punishing subordinates, and raising an army of nightmares, Braids somehow found time for her favorite hobby: petty extortion."
 * Blackmail (9th Edition)

""Course he ran! I wouldn't want to stare down that barrel, either!" --Alaborn Soldier"
 * Alaborn Cavalier and his BFG:

"Much to Multani's chagrin, Rofellos gleefully tutored Yavimaya's elves on the rudest and most vulgar words spoken in Llanowar."
 * Taunting Elf (Urza's Destiny)

Tournament Play and other meta humor
"(on turn 3)
 * During the launch party for Unglued (the joke set that makes fun of Magic itself), Mark Rosewater took the role of a judge...while wearing a chicken suit. He wore a donkey suit for the release of the sequel set, Unhinged. On a related note, Mark also made a list of his favorite funny quotes from the players at the Unglued launch party, found Here (at the end).
 * Anytime you and your friends play a game of Magic where Unglued or Unhinged is included. Anytime. Just an example:

Friend 1: (stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Right hand. Go.

Friends 2: (manages to go through his turn with his right hand behind his back) Go.

Friend 1: (still stoic) For 3 mana, Farewell to Arms. Left hand. (smiles) Play with your feet, motherfucker."