Horrible Fanfic M-P

Important Note: Merely being offensive in its subject matter is not enough to justify a work as So Bad It's Horrible. Hard as it is to imagine at times, there is a market for all types of deviancy (no matter how small a niche it is). It has to fail to appeal even to that niche to qualify as this. Any descriptions that fail to imply anything but offensiveness will be deleted.


 * A Maverick in the Black Hole (Dark Fic, Mary Sue, Self-Insert Fic, Relationship Sue, Gorn, torture, mindrape)
 * Fandom: Nintendo Wars
 * Pairing: Maverick/Lash
 * Synopsis: Taking place at an indeterminate point in the canon, this story centres around Maverick Brande, a commanding officer in the Black Hole army. He is really Raphael Silver, twin brother of the leader of the Silver Hurricane and a mole planted by them; he's not the only twin of a Silver Hurricane in the Black Hole Squadron, so he can get away with this. But, for reasons not entirely clear, he renounces the identity of Raphael Silver to become a Black Hole and try to turn all the other spies in camp to the Black Hole side.... He is the lover of Lash, they have a Slap Slap Kiss relationship... Maverick goes on to lead a Black Hole invasion force!
 * Comments: The first thing Maverick does is stick an Uzi into the mouth of a soldier who asked why he'd been in Lash's tent all night and fire the entire clip. A couple of minutes later, he kills a soldier who comments on his scoring with Lash immediately after she has finished flirting with him and scolding him for killing the first soldier and then left. Stupid Evil doesn't even begin to cover it. He goes on to threaten his fellow officers, shoot his girlfriend through the wrist and thus prevent her from using that hand ever again, cause everybody around him to descend into violence - Lash, for instance, attempts to pistol-whip him during an argument over deployment strategy -- attack his general with a "Double Spinning Crescent Kick" that somehow strikes his "right jaw", convince his girlfriend to get an abortion (that she recovers emotionally from remarkably quickly) and generally be better than everybody else. He also tortures Andy into becoming a vegetable and rewrites Sonja's personality entirely. Is there character derailment, you ask? Why, yes. Yes there is.
 * And it's finished. No doubt the author wants to make another sequel. Bleagh.


 * Misery Senshi Neo Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle The MST is here. (crossover)
 * Fandom: Sailor Moon/Daria. With a large dash of essence of Tom Clancy, and some Beavis and Butthead.
 * Synopsis: Exactly What It Says on the Tin. Really.
 * Or, to put it another way: there are three different terrorist attacks being planned. One is a corporation who intends to steal a new military plane called the Neo-Zero and bomb Tokyo with it to create a new empire. There is an Islamic terrorist who intends to hijack a JAL Tokyo-London flight and then hit Lawndale High with an atomic bomb. Lawndale has its own domestic terrorists planning to take over the city. Right before these plans start coming into action, Ami, who is going to medical school in Germany, emails Daria (they have an over-the-Net relationship) to please come to Japan ASAP. She does; when she arrives, she is limoed directly to the shrine where Rei works. Ami makes Daria Sailor Mercury in her place; Daria didn't even know of this plan - or the existence of Sailor Senshi - until right when it happens. The others abruptly realize they're going to have to deal with a crabby, cynical, rude senshi... And right after that, the double-agent in the evil corporation goes to contact Mamoru, and the ninja spy watching him wires a report back to the evil corporation...
 * Comments: Worse than it sounds. The MST treatment helps. Behold: Copyrights listed to anyone who ever wrote anything! (Including guides to military airplanes.) Exposition of every country in Asia! A Japanese Nazi girl! The world's least-defended hangar! Numerous plot threads with no obvious immediate connection! Daria stripped of her sense of humor! Wanton cruelty to talking cats! An epilogue explaining every joke in the story! And so much more. The story proper is also stultifying. Ouch.
 * The author has written many other Daria fanfics, two of them MSTed at the site above.

""Christina put a duffel bag on the bed and opened it. Then she got a clean uniform and put it into the bag. She also got a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a box of dental floss, a small bottle of mouthwash, a small can of deodorant spray, a small bar of soap, and a small bottle of shampoo from the bathroom and put them into the bag. Christina zipped the bag closed.""
 * Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament (Beige Prose, rampant gratuitous sex that fails even as porn, You Fail Logic Forever, You Fail Physics Forever, copy-pasting of entire chapters with minor edits, Anviliciousness, crossover, femmeslash, and mind-bendingly dull.)
 * Fandom: Gundam (various characters - usually female - drawn from multiple continuities)
 * Pairings: Emma Sheen/Relena Peacecraft, Lucette Audevie/Nina Purpleton, Murrue Ramius/Lunamaria Hawke, Christina Mackenzie/Flay Allster, Sayla Mass/Fraw Bow, Dorothy Catalonia/Karen Joshua, Fa Yuiry/Mirai Yashima, Stella Loussier/Lady Une/Reccoa Londe, Christina Mackenzie/Flay Allster/Reccoa Londe, Natarle Badgiruel/Catherine Bloom/Lady Une, Miriallia Haw/Asuna Elmarit/Stella Loussier, Lucrezia Noin/Rain Mikamura, Mirai Yashima/Rain Mikamura, Miriallia Haw/Stella Loussier, Dorothy Catalonia/Sally Po, Dorothy Catalonia/Sally Po/Karen Joshua, Natarle Badgiruel/Catherine Bloom, Emma Sheen/Relena Peacecraft/Matilda Ajan/Sayla Mass/Fraw Bow, Karen Joshua/Lunamaria Hawke, Murrue Ramius/Sally Po, Lucrezia Noin/Saeko Murasame, Christina Mackenzie/Flay Allster/Monique Cadillac, Miriallia Haw/Chan Agi, Nina Purpleton/Lucette Audevie/Dorothy Catalonia, Murrue Ramius/Sally Po/Lunamaria Hawke/Karen Joshua, Christina Mackenzie/Flay Allster/Monique Cadillac/Reccoa Londe, Natarle Badgiruel/Lucrezia Noin, Natarle Badgiruel/Murrue Ramius, Relena Peacecraft/Lucrezia Noin . Yeah.
 * Synopsis: Twenty Minutes Into the Future (well, 2007), the nations of the world inexplicably decide to settle who will rule the world with...a Gundam tournament. Sound familiar? What should have followed was fifty chapters of epic action punctuated by torrid scenes of love between beautiful women and richly detailed discussions of political and moral philosophy. What got written is fifty chapters of almost the exact same fight scenes repeated over and over, just with different characters, punctuated by almost the exact same lesbian sex scenes repeated over and over, just with different characters, and pointless descriptions of people eating, packing their luggage or griping about petty personal issues suspiciously similar to those the author complains about in his own life repeated over and over.
 * Comments: This fic starts out with already sleep-inducing levels of Beige Prose.

""Ladies and gentlemen, I have a list of complaints regarding society that need to be addressed. We should install cell phone jammers in movie theaters. We should make English the official language of the United States. Illegal immigrants - with the exception of those that arrived as minors - should be deported immediately...""
 * It then goes Beyond the Impossible by copy-pasting the same scenes with minor changes not only between chapters, but within chapters. (For example, the same threesome with the participants' names changed takes place three times in a row in the same chapter). These enormous, glaring writing issues make the plot agonizingly repetitive and dull.
 * But there's more! The fic is ridiculous and nonsensical on so many levels. The battles have no tension because they are almost all friendly and bloodless. The Girls Love scenes are a cross between something out of a bad porno and an artificial intelligence's attempt to describe sex, with no rhyme or reason for most of the pairings. The political background is absurd. Half the participants in the tournament appear to have been selected by throwing darts at a world map. Massively impoverished countries like Niger and Lebanon have the resources and know-how to build Gundams; many wealthier nations seemingly don't. Almost every deviation from the lather-rinse-repeat Battle of the Week formula is dropped and forgotten within a few chapters, ill-conceived, confusing, or (most often) all three. Examples include the random bikini photoshoot, the quark-gluon plasma missile built using 21st-century technology that never gets used, and the long and bizarre scenes in which put-upon supermarket employees deal with rude customers while the main characters sympathize; at one point, they give one such employee a $100 tip. (The author is a supermarket employee.) Later, an attempt is made to build up the Iranian team as a credible villain; this fails. The protagonists' reactions to * gasp* the killing of another contestant seem absurd in a military contest with such high stakes, and the Iranian Gundam goes down like a punk when a protagonist finally confronts it. The story ends with some bizarre attempts to tie itself to the source material through past-life/parallel universe-related visions, an ill-explained defection by one of the American team, an out-of-nowhere one-chapter plot about terrorists, and an Anvilicious speech by Relena:


 * My Kid's an Alien!; You can read the MST here.
 * Fandom: Urusei Yatsura with a dash of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
 * Pairings: Ataru/Lum, one-sided Rumiko/Mendo, various Canon pairings
 * Synopsis: Ataru learns that Lum is pregnant and prepares to marry her. But just as the wedding is about to commence, the CIA kidnaps Lum and takes her to America. There, Ataru ends up on the Jeremy Spangler Show and is subjected to much humiliation (more specifically, a morbidly obese woman dressed as Lum). The gang then ends up going back in time to Harry S. Truman's presidency. Lum gives birth by squirting an egg out of her vagina. Lum and Ataru name their newborn daughter Rumiko. Furthermore, Rumiko interprets Mendo's grabbing her horns as a marriage proposal.
 * Comments: Insufferable. Every joke fails. The author clearly has no sense of comedic timing. He tries everything from gag credits to a Rocky and Bullwinkle cameo, but it all falls flat on its face. The squicky imagery doesn't help matters either. There's a scene where the characters (including Ten) imagine themselves naked making out with their lust objects on the beach.
 * The MST version improves the fanfic's format.


 * Naga Eyes (rape, vore, incredibly bad writing, damage to sanity, slash, possible bestiality)
 * Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
 * Pairings: Sora/naga Riku
 * Synopsis: In a World of Purple Prose, Sora travels to VORELAND and becomes the sex toy of "Riku", an anatomically impossible naga.
 * Comments: Most of what you need to know about this monstrosity, as well as a link to an MST of it, can be found on its trope page. This thing is full of Did Not Do the Research, You Fail Sex Ed Forever, and typos so bad that you often have no idea what's going on.

""Stop talking and cornhole me"."
 * Natalie's Perverse Secret (explicit sex, Squick, pedophilia, scat, incest, Wish Fulfillment, horrible writing)
 * Fandom: Real Person Fic
 * Pairings: Natalie/Author's Self-Insert/A 7-year-old girl
 * Synopsis: An extremely nerdy guy gets lucky enough to date Natalie Portman and discovers that they conveniently share all kinds of fetishes.
 * Comments: Nobody in this fic talks like a real person. The writing style is mechanical. The author goes out of his way to namedrop any movie he can think of that stars Natalie Portman and somehow ties each one into his fetishes. Natalie herself is a Possession Sue here -- she has zero personality except for being a female version of the author, and thus had the exact same interests and fetishes. Speaking of fetishes, as the story goes on, the sex scenes get more bizarre and disgusting.
 * Sample dialog:


 * Consider for a moment: Starting at about the halfway mark, the fanfic suffers a unique case of Rouge Angles of Satin: It was clearly spellchecked--in such a way as to make it clear that certain words were quite horribly misspelled at first. It seems to suggest that

"--"Billy was a great believer in Jesus. Especially the parts where the smiting of the fags and the making the sandniggers discover the Good Book were concerned."
 * No Turning Back (crossover, Author Tract, rape).
 * Fandom: Ranma ½, Utawarerumono, Pokegirls
 * Pairing: yes, unfortunately
 * Synopsis: "What if everything you ever believed about Dr. Sukebe and the Great Pokegirl War was wrong?"
 * Comments: What semblance of a plot it has is buried underneath gigantic screaming rants against the author's unfavorite political party and its associate demographics. Contains so many racial slurs and psychotic misogynism that you could be forgiven for believing you'd clicked on the core rules for FATAL or Racial Holy War by mistake, only it's all attributed to the "political party/voters the author didn't like".
 * Sample narration:

--"He'd jumped at the chance to join the White Eagles. A good unit without the blacks and the yellows and the brownies. The officers had been very good and very smart, even letting their men know that the President and Vice President themselves had the utmost confidence in the White Eagles and the super secret project that would make America the undisputed big daddy of the world forever.""

- "Vice President Dick Ripper savored the sound of it. World Domination. None of this stupid pretending to be a Democracy for the lesser classes bullshit. It would be a return to the good old days when you could use a whip on the poor people when they got too uppity and spoke back to their betters. Where Bitches knew their proper place, on their knees and on their backs. After all, hadn't he taught his own sweet daughter that? She was a good trained little slut now and he was looking forward to his first son from her soon."


 * Suffice it to say, there's tons more.
 * But you probably need not to read farther than "Dick Ripper" to recognize a Troll Fic.
 * The damn thing is billed as a Lemon fic, and yet you get more than halfway in and there isn't any porn -- unless you count offhand mentions of rape.
 * And for the final insult, it's a Pokegirls fanfic. That's right. A fanfic of a fanfic. Dear God why?


 * Olimar Fucks a Pikmin (Squick, necessitates Brain Bleach, explicit sex)
 * Fandom: Pikmin
 * Pairings: Captain Olimar/20 Pikmin, Author/Pikmin Doll
 * Synopsis: Captain Olimar finds an onion containing 20 Pikmin. As they engage in sexual activities, the perverted author jerks off before, ahem, sticking a Pikmin doll where the sun don't shine.
 * Comments: The author somehow managed to cram unbelievable amounts of fail into text that doesn't amount to a paragraph. The author clearly felt that it wasn't bad enough to reveal being aroused by a kid-friendly video game and so worked in details that threaten the reader's sanity.
 * To top it all off, a look at the reviews page shows that in a lame attempt to give himself a good name, he reviewed his own story but couldn't be bothered to use proper spelling.
 * The story has been taken off AFF. While this means the preserved state of innocence for countless other people, those of us who remember this fic will be sure to have lingering Bad Dreams for some time to come.
 * It has a Dramatic Reading here. The innocent can still be corrupted. At least it shouldn't have spelling errors.


 * Osaka Goes Crazy. (Character Derailment, Gorn, Canon Defilement, Moral Event Horizon crossing, character death, crossover)
 * Fandom: Azumanga Daioh, with a dash of Yotsubato
 * Synopsis: It is Chiyo's eleventh birthday. Osaka drives the other Azugirls to a remote cabin in the woods and kills most of them with a sword, execution-style, just for the heck of it. She would've killed Chiyo, too, but she was shot by Mrs. Yuta before she could do more than cut Chiyo's limbs off. Chiyo is taken to the hospital, fixed up as much as her being limbless will allow, and interrogated by a policeman who tells her that Osaka got away; they thought she was dead, but the bullet hit a plate in her head... Yotsuba and a limbless! Chiyo try to set up a trap to catch and kill the loony Osakan.
 * Comments: This might've been So Bad It's Good if not for the execrable grammar and spelling. And even then... when did Osaka learn to drive? And why does Chiyo make a run for it about two paragraphs after we are told she is tied to a post, only to be stopped when Osaka grabs her hair? Definitely not a story to be read if you have Perverse Sexual Lust for Osaka - not just because of how terrible the story is, but because of the (now-removed, apparently) gruesome ending.


 * The Perfect Drug by TrentFanL0L. It's M-rated, but... (crossover, slash, suicide, explicit sex, character death)
 * Fandoms: Mostly Harry Potter with a crossover character from Repo! The Genetic Opera, as well as some minor characters from the TV show Greek.
 * Pairing: Fyier (the vampire protagonist)/Hermione Granger, Fyier/Blind Mag. Possible Author Avatar. Minor pairings of Fyier/Bellatrix LeStrange, Fyier/Crabbe, Fyier/a zombie doppelganger, Hermione/Snape, McGonagall/Snape.
 * Synopsis: It's similar to My Immortal, except with a male "vampire"... Meet Fyier Bitter Psychotic Valentine Beyond. Follow the romantic misadventures of an idiot teenage vampire as he woos Hermione Granger (from Harry Potter) and Blind Mag (from Repo) simultaneously in a constant back-and-forth that rivals even the cheeziest Soap Opera Love Triangle. It gives the reader brain whiplash because the protagonist and his current girlfriend will break up and reunite every few chapters after he dates and breaks up with the other girl. They're also students at a school of "magical and mystery" fighting the Dark Lord Voldermort and his evil minions -- but that's an afterthought. No, the main story is about sex, parties, betrayal, pregnancy, amnesia, breaking up, suicide, murder, body piercing, disabilities, violence, cat-fights, sword-fights, and enough drama to satisfy any drama-fetishist. Also some random homophobia.
 * Comments: Harry Potter is portrayed as a mute thug and is later confined to a wheelchair. Hermione has rampant-bitch syndrome. Blind Mag has come down with MarySueitis. Ron Weasley is a sneering trouble-maker. Voldemort is a cackling goon who's killed off-screen. The protagonist alternates between huge idiot and amiable serial killer (he's a vampire, remember).
 * Now you may be thinking this sounds like "Harry Potter by Quentin Tarantino", but it's not. The story is RIFE with spelling mistakes, vocabulary mistakes, Critical Research Failure, and all-around shoddy workmanship. It's like the author was having a brain aneurism while he or she was writing. All of the sex scenes use strange word-associations (for instance, 'the box area' apparently means a 'woman's sexual organ'), and it's about as 'adult' as a pornographic magazine drawn with crayons. None of the characters' names are spelled right, and they all act like walloping idiots on speed. It's a train wreck of orphans and puppies that you can't look away from.


 * Phantom Dreams (PWP that is also without porn, unintentional Crack Fic, Character Derailment, bad writing, failed logic)
 * Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
 * Pairings: Squall/Seifer
 * Synopsis: Seifer returns to Balamb Garden a year after the war. This is met with Dull Surprise because Selphie is too busy organising a keep-fit class in preparation for Easter, which they celebrate in the FFVIII world. Then they eat ice cream.
 * Comments: A first draft, and you can tell. Seifer is a caveman, and his return to Garden passes with barely a raised eyebrow. Selphie (yes, Selphie) is an Emo Teen who bursts into tears at the first sign of a perceived slight. Of the wacky hijinks that are there instead of a real plot, the only thing that's funny is a Hilarious in Hindsight moment involving Zell's hair being likened to a chocobo. Everyone has suffered Badass Decay. The spelling and grammar are appalling, and the writer has no idea how to use Point of View effectively. And don't ask where Neapolitan ice cream comes from in the FFVIII world. Rinoa gets off lightly because her existence is never acknowledged.


 * Poor Eponine (near-literal Canon Defilement, torture, Woobie abuse, pretty much every non-consensual sexual kink short of outright rape, implied incestuous rape, horrendous grammar and punctuation)
 * Fandom: Les Misérables
 * Pairings: Eponine/various henchmen (bondage); implied Eponine/Papa Thenardier
 * Synopsis: Patron-Minette is pissed that Eponine foiled their robbery at Plumet, so they sends some goons round to pick up Eponine and "punish" her. Various disgusting things ensue.
 * Comments: A Hurt Comfort Fic is a story in which a character, often The Woobie, is put through a great trouble in order to be raised up past it and (hopefully) earn a collective D'AWWW from the audience. This fic, however, is just a "hurt" fic, written entirely for the purpose of being disgusting and selling itself purely on Bile Fascination. Essentially, it's what Crossed would be if Crossed were a Les Misérables fanfiction, except Crossed has proper grammar and punctuation.