Evil Lawyer Joke/Quotes

"Scrimgeour: Are you planning to pursue a career in magical law, Miss Granger?

Hermione: No, I actually plan to do some good in the world."

- Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

"People always ask me how come the newspaper prints so much bad news? How come the front page always has negative headlines like "Freak Espresso Machine Explosion Destroys Crowded Starbucks?" Why don't we print stories with a positive slant, like "Destroyed Starbucks Was Popular Gathering Place for Lawyers?""

- Dave Barry, "A leap in cow control"

"These are lawyers. That's Latin for "liar"."

- G.O.B., Arrested Development

"Bitten by a lawyer, I hope there're shots for that"

- Nightwing

"But I'm a lawyer! I'm not supposed to be nice!"

- Apollo Justice, Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers are in hell?"

- Ghost Rider to Phoenix Wright, Marvel vs. Capcom 3

On a dunghill by his stable And the Devil smiled, for it put him in mind Of Cain and his brother Abel. What's the definition of a crying shame?
 * What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a low-life bottom-feeding scum sucker; the other's a fish.
 * Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
 * What do you call a lawyer with an 80 IQ? Your Honor!
 * Two farmers were arguing about the ownership of a cow, so they called their lawyers. The lawyers arrived and the farmers continued arguing, tugging the animal's tether back and forth. The lawyers went to work: they walked to the back of the animal and together proceeded to milk it dry.
 * What's the difference between a dead skunk at the side of the road and a dead lawyer at the side of the road? Skid marks in front of the skunk.
 * What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops ****ing you when you're dead.
 * What do you call 100 lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
 * What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
 * What do you do if you're in a room with a snake, a tiger, a lawyer, and a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
 * In the beginning, God said "Let there be light!" And the lawyer said, "What colour?"
 * What's the difference between a lawyer and a mud crab? One is a bottom-feeding, scum-sucking animal, and the other is a crab.
 * What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A vulture can't take off his wingtips.
 * A [rural stereotype] is visiting the city for the first time when he sees a funeral procession, and asks somebody who it's for. He shows surprise on hearing that the deceased was a lawyer: "You mean you bury lawyers here?" "Well, sure. Don't you?" "No, we don't. When a lawyer dies, we just leave the body in an empty room overnight, and the morning there's nothing left but a smell of brimstone."
 * Did you hear about the terrorist who kidnapped a dozen lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour unless his demands were met.
 * A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway. Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."
 * Jack Thompson.
 * What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
 * What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? Skid marks before the dog.
 * He saw a lawyer killing a viper
 * That's from Samuel Taylor Cambridge.
 * What's the definition of a shame?
 * A bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff into the ocean.
 * There was an empty seat!
 * A disgruntled guy walks into a bar, takes a seat, orders a drink, and says in a loud voice to the bartender "man, lawyers are assholes." The man next to him taps him in the shoulder and says "hey, buddy, I take offense to that." "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!"
 * A famous law firm is cited by the Equal Rights Commission for not having any women lawyers. The firm is mandated to hire three women lawyers and make one of them partner. The firm hires three women, but has trouble deciding who to make partner, so they devise a test. On their next paycheck, the firm overpays them by $5,000. The first woman takes the money and says nothing. The second woman immediately returns the check. The third woman takes the money, but a week later comes back with a check for $7,000. The woman claims she had a good stock tip and wanted to split the difference with the firm. So, who was made partner? The answer:
 * What this trope fails to realize is that not all lawyers are bad. It's just the 99% of them who ruin it for the rest.
 * An old legal puzzle concerns the different rules on marriage in various U.S. states in the early 20th century. James, who is white, marries Emily (also white) in South Carolina, which refuses to recognize divorce. He then separates from Emily and gets a divorce in New York, so that he can marry Susan, who is black. He then separates from Susan, without getting divorced and moves to Georgia (which does not recognize inter-racial marriages) where he marries Lucy (white again). Then he goes on a sea cruise and drops dead. Under South Carolina law, the widow is Emily, and only Emily. Under New York law, the widow is Susan, and only Susan. Under Georgia law, the widow is Lucy, and only Lucy. Federal law (at the time) refused to endorse any state's marriage laws over the other. So who gets his inheritance?
 * Jack Strange, Esq, an elderly lawyer, once asked a funeral director to prepare a tombstone for him. The wording he wanted was simply "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man." The funeral director reminded him that there was no name on the tombstone. "No need," said the lawyer, "anyone who reads the words 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man' will instantly think 'That's Strange!' "
 * A joke on Prairie Home Companion had a young boy asking his mother "Do they ever put two people in the same grave?", his mother saying "No, why?" and the boy saying "Because that one there says 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
 * A classic cartoon from the 18th century was entitled "Litigation." It showed a cow, with "The Plaintiff" pulling on the horns, "The Defendant" pulling on the tail, "The Judge" watching them and "The Lawyer" milking it.
 * Sandra Day O'Connor was the first woman judge on the U.S. Supreme Court and decided a number of important cases. Still, she will probably be remembered as the person who said that Washington D.C. had more lawyers than people.
 * Dave Barry took it further, claiming that there are roughly four lawyers for every person in the United States.
 * So a lawyer walks into a Bar Association meeting...
 * The Pope dies and is accidentally sent to Hell. God asks Satan to send him back up, but Satan refuses. God then threatens to sue the Devil, who merely grins and asks:" Oh yeah? And where, pray tell, do you intend to find your lawyers?"
 * Rarely mentioned is God's response: "All the really good lawyers talked their way out of hell!"
 * What's the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
 * How do you stop a Lawyer from drowning?
 * Take your foot off their head.
 * OR - Shoot them before they hit the water.
 * What do you do when there are 50 dead lawyers lying in the street in front of you?
 * Stop laughing and reload.
 * Why are there so many vultures in Arizona and so many lawyers in Nebraska? Arizona called dibs.
 * Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got dibs.
 * Jersey already has an evil monster in a suit that ruins the lives of innocent people.
 * And he scared all the lawyers away because even Slendy thinks lawyers are terrible.
 * In the beginning God created light. Out of spite Devil created darkness. God created Man, Devil followed up with Woman. God created a lawyer, Devil pondered for a while...and created a second lawyer.
 * Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under instead of the standard 6?
 * Recently, scientists have started replacing lab rats for lawyers, for three reasons:1) Lawyers have less rights than actual rats. 2) The scientists grow less attached to lawyers. 3) There are certain things rats would never do.
 * However, they soon after switched back to rats, as rats are closer to human beings.
 * Anothre reason stated in the joke was that there're more rats than lawyers nowadays.
 * A woman is going to see her doctor about a rather unusual occurrence. "You see doctor...well, this is awfully embarrassing, but last night, well, my husband, he....I mean, I.....well, we had anal sex." "I see. Do you find it painful?" "No, actually, it was quite different. Are there any special precautions we need to make?" "No, as long as you make sure not to get pregnant" "Of course - wait, I can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course my dear, where do you think Lawyers come from?"
 * There is a book called Lawyers and Other Reptiles. An anonymous quote on the jacket is "It was so cold that a lawyer had his hands in his own pockets."
 * How do we know God, who created the world out of chaos and darkness, is a lawyer? He created chaos and darkness first.
 * An elderly, nearly blind woman hired a lawyer to draft her will. When it was completed, the lawyer charged her one hundred dollars. She handed the lawyer a hundred-dollar bill but failed to notice that a second hundred-dollar bill was stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: "Should I tell my partner?"
 * "They all laid their heads together like as many lawyers when they are gettin' ready to prove that a man's heirs ain't got any right to his property"~Mark Twain
 * "It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour."~Thomas Jefferson
 * Then there's the lawyer who in 1980 bragged that while en route from New York to San Francisco to take care of a matter for IBM, he used the airborne hours to work on a General Motors case– and billed both IBM and General Motors $250 for the time he was airborne.
 * What does a lawyer use as a contraceptive? His personality.
 * In 1971, an attorney filed suit in Pennsylvania against Satan and his servants, claiming they had placed obstacles in his client's path which had caused his downfall. To the attorney's dismay, the complaint was denied on the grounds that the defendant did not reside in Pennsylvania.
 * "I don't give a shit what happens. I want you to stonewall it, let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else..."~attorney (and President) Richard M. Nixon to attorney (and Attorney General) John Mitchell, sitting around the Oval Office discussing Watergate.
 * A REALLY, REALLY BAD DAY: August 21, 1878: At a meeting in Saratoga, New York, the American Bar Association was founded.
 * A lawyer stepped in some cow dung and thought he was melting.
 * When an elderly New York lawyer, after a typically long life of sin, was told he had only days to live, he rushed home and began to frantically leaf through the Bible, looking for loopholes.
 * "The problem is not that you can buy a congressman for $10000 but that you can buy a Washington lawyer for $100000."~former FCC commissioner Nicholas Johnson.
 * "A man who never graduated from school might steal from a freight car. But a man who attends college and graduates a lawyer might steal the whole railroad."~ President Theodore Roosevelt, attempting to persuade his son to become a lawyer
 * At a cemetery outside of Buffalo three men–a contractor, a physician, and a lawyer– joined the grieving widow at the services for their dearest friend. The widow asked if each could place an offering in the casket, as this had long been a custom in her husband's family. The contractor nodded his head and then said a short prayer before placing a hundred-dollar bill in the casket. The physician, nearly in tears, also placed a hundred-dollar bill in the casket. Then the lawyer scribbled out a check for three hundred dollars, put it in the casket, and pocketed the two hundred dollars in cash.
 * "As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the commentators said the same thing: 'One of these people in the room is lying.' Do you believe that? You've got two lawyers and 14 senators in the room, and only one of them is lying?"~Jay Leno
 * When a Cleveland lawyer got an Akron girl pregnant, he actually offered (to the astonishment of his partners) to do the right and proper thing–marry her. But she refused his proposal. Stunned, the lawyer insisted on knowing why. Her reply: "Well, my parents may not have much money or schooling but they have their pride. So when I told them about my condition, everyone pretty much felt that it was better to have a bastard in the family rather than a lawyer."
 * A stranger walked up the street of a small Kentucky town until he found someone he thought was surely a native. "Pardon me," the stranger asked, "are you a resident of this town?" "Yep, have been for forty years. Something I can do for you?" "I'm looking for a criminal lawyer. Have you got one here?" "Well, I suppose we do, but we can't prove it on him."
 * The difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers in it is that the porcupine's pricks are on the outside.
 * "He was a lawyer, yet not a rascal, and the people were astonished."~anonymous, said of Saint Ives, a thirteenth century lawyer and a saint.
 * St. Ives was sitting as a judge when a rich man sued a beggar for trespass: the beggar had been standing outside the rich man's kitchen and smelling the food inside. St. Ives got the beggar to drop a coin onto his judge's bench and dismissed the case with the words, "The sound has paid for the smell."
 * Spanish Proverbs:
 * "Win your lawsuit, lose your money."
 * "A peasant between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats."
 * A prominent Boston physician was vacationing north of Boston near Manchester beach when he wandered into a carpenter's shop. There he was soon intrigued by the wooden sculpture of a rat and inquired as to its availability. "That damn piece has been brought back to me twice," said the carpenter, "so although it's worth much more, you can have it for five dollars." The doctor bought the rat sculpture and continued on his walk. After a bit, he noticed several rats scurrying about. Then he noticed more rats. And then suddenly there were hundreds, seemingly thousands of rats– and they were following him! Certain that the rats must have something to do with the sculpture, he ran to the harbor and threw the sculpture into the water. Without hesitation, all the rats followed it to their watery death. Immediately, the doctor returned to the carpenter's shop, where he was rebuffed by the owner: "No, no! Now get out of here, sir! I'm not taking that sculpture back!" "Calm down," said the doctor reassuringly. "I only wanted to know if you might have a sculpture of a lawyer?"
 * How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
 * OR: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
 * Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
 * That's only fifty-three...
 * And who do you think wrote all that out?
 * Danish Proverbs:
 * "Lawyers and painters can soon change white to black."
 * "Virtue down the middle," said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.
 * Undistinguished and often shabby in appearance, Ulysses S. Grant did not recommend himself to strangers by his looks. He once entered an inn on a stormy winter night. A number of lawyers, in town for a court session, were clustered around the fire. One looked up as Grant appeared and said, "Here's a stranger, gentlemen, and by the looks of him he's traveled through hell itself to get here." "That's right," said Grant cheerfully. "And how did you find things down there?" "Just like here," replied Grant, "lawyers all closest to the fire."
 * There are more lawyers in just Washington, D.C., than in all of Japan.
 * "They've got about as many lawyers as we have sumo wrestlers."~Lee Iacocca, on the lack of litigation among Japanese businesses.
 * How do you know when a lawyer is lying? His lips move.
 * The priest's friend loses his faith, the doctor's his health, the lawyer's his fortune.~Venetian Proverb.
 * What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
 * More than half of the presidents of the United States– a country burdened with huge debt, a devastating crime rate, a failing educational system, excessive acid rain, and an embarrassing series of World Cup performances– have been lawyers.
 * To be fair, it is highly implausible that they could have been responsible for the World Cup performances.
 * "The appearance in our courts of these learned gentlemen of the law, who can make black appear white and white appear black, is forbidden."~1864 decree (and still in effect), government of Andorra.
 * “Hey! Poli means many, and tics means blood sucking creatures! So, basically, all the issues discussed in Congress (not the White House, they just talk about football while gas prices go up) are living, breathing insect creatures! Get it?”-Eggman, in Mecha Scorpion's Sonic Insanity (fanfiction.net)
 * A man was walking down the beach, when he came across a lamp. Not being one to discount tradition, he rubbed it, and to his surprise a genie appeared. "You may have three wishes, but there is one condition: Anything you wish for, all the world's lawyers get double.""Okay," says the man. "I want a million dollars." He got a million dollars and every lawyer got two million dollars. "I want a new Porsche." He got a new Porsche, and every lawyer got two new Porches. "And your third wish?" "I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
 * Alternate punchline: "Beat me half to death."
 * What happens to a lawyer if he takes a Viagra? He sits up straight.
 * There was a female lawyer who had sex with one of her clients who was in prison. Rather perverted, isn't it? I mean, sex with a lawyer!
 * What is the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't claim to be a lawyer.
 * What's the difference between a lawyer joke and an actual lawyer? One has a punch line, and the other has a line of people waiting to punch him!
 * A rabbit bumped into a snake. The snake snapped, "Watch where you're going!" "I can't. I'm blind." "So am I! Do you think you could feel me and tell me what I am?" "If you do the same for me!" Soon after, the rabbit asked, "So what am I?" "You have fluffy tail, long ears, strong back legs, and buck teeth, so you must be a rabbit! And what am I?" "You have scaly skin, a forked tong, slitted pupils, and you're cold, so you must be a lawyer!"
 * What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire bat? One is a bloodsucking rodent and the other is a bat.
 * There's a joke about two men walking along the beach: one of them spots an oyster and the other picks it up. The two men then argue over who should get to eat it. A lawyer walks by and asks them what the problem was, stating that he was a lawyer and could help them. Both men tell their tale and the lawyer says "I have come to a decision, hand the oyster to me." The men do so, and then watch in confusion as the lawyer eats the oyster and then hands them each a shell. "What the hell?" The two men ask, to which the lawyer says "You both deserved an equal share of the oyster. The meat itself was my pay for helping."
 * It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan. "Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done." "I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything." "You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it." "You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract." "If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you." "Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
 * God laughs. "The really good ones didn't just argue their way out of Hell, they argued their way straight to Heaven."
 * Whether he was an evil lawyer or not depends on your point of view, I guess; but a Scottish public defender was once overheard telling his client, "Laddie, it's no' my job to get you found innocent; it's my job to make sure your guilt is proven beyond any reasonable doubt."
 * A lawyer buys a tombstone and he asks the stone-cutter to put on it, "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer." The stone cutter tells the lawyer that they aren't legally allowed to bury two men in the same grave.
 * A man goes to the doctor and is told that he will die soon. The man on his deathbed asks for his lawyer to be present. When the lawyer arrives he asks his client what legal advice he may need, the man replies that he doesn't need that. When asked why he is here by his side the man responds saying, "Jesus died with a thief by his side, I just wanted to go out the same way."
 * A lawyer died in poverty and friends and family decided to collect money for a funeral. One of the persons asked to donate offered twenty times the asked value and told the collectors to bury 20 lawyers.
 * A lawyer went to the courtroom as a witness. As soon as he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, the judge ordered the lawyer to be arrested for perjury.
 * A lawyer and the Pope die in the same day and both of them go to heaven. The lawyer gets better treatment. The reason: the Heaven is already full of Popes but that was the first lawyer to show up.
 * A lawyer died and St. Peter denied him entrance in Heaven because there were no available places for lawyers. The lawyer then demanded to know who that man was to say that. After St. Peter answered, the lawyer demanded proof of his identity. Not knowing what to do, St. Peter asked for Jesus Christ's help. The lawyer also demanded proof of Christ's identity. Jesus then asked for God's advice. God then decided to allow the lawyer in before the lawyer demanded proof of His identity.
 * A young lawyer died and protested, claiming to be too young to die. Upon verifying the lawyer's claim, St. Peter found out that the lawyer charged his clients by the hour and, according to the number of hours he claimed to have worked for his clients, he was 105 years old.
 * Questions lawyers often ask their clients: 1) How much money do you have? 2) Where can you get more? 3) Is there anything you can take from somebody?
 * Lawyer commandment: Everyone is innocent until proven broken.