For Inconvenience Press One/Quotes

""For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.""

- Alice Kahn

""Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?""

- Dogbert, Dilbert

""For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7.""

- Automated Sadistic Phone System, Dilbert

""...but if you have type AB negative blood and you're tall but not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad...""

- Dogbert's Clues for the Clueless

"Church: Alright, shut up; I'm on the phone

Tucker Jr.: Honk!

Church: And do me a favor -- kill that fucking thing, would you?

Tucker Jr.: Blargh...

Vic: (contact established) Hey, dudes!

Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church--

Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta!

(Voice Mail beeps)

Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need--

Voice Mail:

Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on.

Voice Mail:

Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.

Voice Mail:

Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail.

Voice Mail:.

Church: Just give me the damn beep!

Voice Mail:

Church: Come on!

Voice Mail:

Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!

Voice Mail:

Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

Doc: Oooh, language!

Voice Mail:

Church: I HAAAAAATE YOOOOU!

(Voice Mail beeps)

Church: Vic! It's Church! I need--

Voice Mail: (disconnect)

Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself."

- Red vs. Blue

"Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need.

ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now.

Durkon: One!

ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now.

Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A!

ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".

Durkon: Two!

ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".

Durkon: Two! TWO!

ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now.

Durkon: Three. No! CRAP!

ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor".

Durkon: Gaah!

Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?"

- The Order of the Stick

"''Press 1 - If everything is working fine.

Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.

Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.

Press 5 - For support in the Azores.

Press 6 - To go further back in line.

Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride.

Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.

Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.''"

- Øystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)