None Piece

"Coby: That particular naval base captured one of the most terrible pirates known to man.

Luffy: JOHNNY DEPP IS NOT THAT BAD!

Coby: No. No!

Luffy: I've faced him before. [under breath] Cross Depp reference off the list.

Coby: Zoro!

Luffy: ANTONIO BANDERAS!? [boat spontaneously combusts]

[Beat]

Coby: Boat's on fire.

Luffy: We don't need no water, let the motherf-ker burn! [fire continues to spread]"

- Episode 2, pretty much summing up how absurd the series is.

None Piece is a One Piece Abridged Series by Purpleeyeswtf, who also created Code Ment. It can be found here. It cuts out the filler, the plot and the sanity (Not that One Piece had much to begin with) leaving short, sweet and mind bending masterpieces. Has to be seen to be believed.

"Luffy: Sucks to be you."
 * Abusive Parents: Luffy claims that his parents gave him the first name "Monkey" because they hated him. Later, Zoro has the same explanation for why his first name is "Zolo".

"Luffy: [thinking] This place is built like a librarian's miniskirt! [turns to camera] The f**k are you lookin' at?"
 * The Alcoholic: Shanks.
 * Aside Glance: Episode 2

"Luffy: Time to switch condiments, 'cause that weaksauce ain't working."
 * Badass Beard/Badass Moustache: Luffy and Zoro have a battle of the beards at the end of episode four..
 * Bond One-Liner: Apropriately enough for someone that talks like Sean Connery.

"[swiftly punches Helmeppo in the face] "God, that was unnecessarily violent!""
 * Brave Scot: Luffy, who has the voice of Sean Connery. Often falls into Violent Glaswegian tendencies, though.

"Capt. Morgan: Were you wearin' the purple suit?
 * Breath Weapon: Luffy can spit up knives and vicious cats.
 * Brick Joke: Zoro beats up Helmeppo for "wearing a purple suit in public". Later, he tells his dad that Luffy hit him.

Helmeppo: Yes-

Capt. Morgan: Then you deserved it!"

"Marine Officer: Ah, shit! Sir, I dinged your statue.
 * The Cameo: Little Kuriboh as Shanks in episode 3.
 * Camp Gay: Helmeppo, with a lisp to boot.
 * Captain Obvious: Discussed, leading into a subverted You Have Outlived Your Usefulness moment:

Capt. Morgan: Thank you, Lieutenant Obvious.

Officer: Sir, it's Captain, sir.

Morgan: Yes, yes, I am.

Officer: Obvious, sir?

Morgan: Obviously I'm a captain.

Officer: Sir, I'm confused

Morgan: Well you're definitely not cut out to be captain then, huh? [beat] Carry on, Lieutenant.

Officer: I'm a corporal

Morgan: You would be!

Officer: Would be what, sir?

Morgan: [raises his axe-hand]

Officer: [in his head] Worth It. [cue Luffy distracting them both]"

""When a woman needs to be comforted, she tells you it's time to buy more shoes. But she has all the shoes, so we really know she just needs boots. Now everything makes sense... Forever.""
 * Cloudcuckoolander: Luffy; especially in the "Pirates and/or Ninjas" video.

"Morgan: You will die so bad you will be dead and then you will stay dead!"
 * Zoro also appears to be one of these.
 * And Nami is definitely one.
 * Cluster Bleep Bomb: Used for the Episode 3 opening and when Nami hurts her leg.
 * Colbert Bump: Possibly got more attention after Little Kuriboh put episode 2 in his YouTube favorites.
 * Continuity Nod: Coby mentions that his best bet is to become a marine, which alludes to the actual series.
 * Crossover: "Pirates and/or Ninjas", with Naruto the Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show and, to a lesser extent, Code Ment and Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Abridged Series.
 * Another crossover on Episode 7 of Naruto the Abridged Comedy Fandub Spoof Series Show, as Gilligan's Father.
 * Death Glare: Zoro gives one to a little girl when she questions his claim that Animal Crackers are truly "the snackfood of the gods".
 * Department of Redundancy Department:

"Luffy: You should know one thing about me: Everything is made of rubber! And before you even ask: yes, yes it is.
 * Dude, Not Funny: Invoked by Mohji and his spastic colon. He dares them to make jokes about it. They only stare at him in horror.
 * Entendre Failure:

Alvida: What the hell are you talking about?

Luffy: My father was a test tube and my mother was a rubber band!"

"Luffy: You've been a very bad kitty! Spin you dumb animal! Spin until you are dead!"
 * Everything Is Better With Spinning: Sure takes care of lions

"Nami: Best honeymoon ever.
 * Fate Worse Than Death:
 * Apparently being married to Nami:

Luffy: Kill me.

Nami: (laughs) Oh, pay him no mind. (lowers her voice) Unless you wanna die. (makes phbbt noises with her tongue)

Luffy: (gun appears next to his head) DO IT!"

"Capt. Morgan: Son, I look like a bond villain and there's a guy who talks like Sean Connery running around! Shit is about to go down!"
 * Genre Savvy: Capt. Morgan.

"Nami: Can you do me a favor?
 * Gilligan Cut

Luffy: So long as I don't get roped into anything stupid.


 * Nami has Luffy tied up with a rope.*

Luffy: Wow! I actually felt myself die a little inside!"

"Luffy: Didja see that one, lad? His pancreas came right out his tearduct!"
 * Gory Discretion Shot: When Luffy beats up some thugs in episode one.

"Pirate: (after being kicked in the balls) "My only weakness! MY BALLS! How did you know?!""
 * Groin Attack:

""Those passengers aren't just gonna kill themselves, ya know!""
 * Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Luffy, all the freaking way.

"Luffy: Read the disclaimer!"
 * I Do Not Own: Each episode starts with the standard abridged series disclaimer but it's only on screen for about a second before cutting to the episode proper.

""Bold words coming from someone not on a unicycle.""
 * Incendiary Exponent: Every 5 minutes, something will burst into flames.
 * Incoming Ham:

"*After Buggy has stabbed Zoro in the back*
 * Insane Troll Logic: All over the place. But especially Zoro in episode 4.

Zoro: "DAMMIT! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!"

Buggy: "..."

Zoro: "FUCK! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! GOD!"

Buggy: "...You cut me into pieces..."

Zoro: "I WAS FUCKING KIDDING! FUCK YOU! YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!""

"Luffy: She snuck up on us, like a- like a-
 * Let Me At Him: Or as Luffy puts it, "Come at me, bro!"
 * Medium Awareness: Luffy seems to be able to hear the narrator, and at one point he turns to the audience and asks what they're looking at.
 * My Name Is Not Durwood: Luffy refers to Coby as "Cody".
 * Never Learnt to Read: Luffy, when he tries to read the disclaimer for Episode 3.
 * Never Say That Again:

Coby: Like a Ninja?

Luffy: CODY! Don't you ever say that word again!

Coby: What? Why?

Luffy: EVER!!!"

"Luffy: I won't go back to prison, my butthole can't take that abuse!"
 * Nice Hat: "I'm rubber and you're fat; don't you dare touch my hat!"
 * No Indoor Voice: Luffy, when Rule of Funny is in full effect.
 * Older Than They Look: Despite his teenage physique, Luffy states that he's 45 years old. Apparently, it's hard for a guy made of rubber to get wrinkles.
 * Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping: Luffy occasionally starts to sound like Peter Griffin.
 * Only Sane Man: Buggy. At least in the context of the absolute insanity that surrounds him.
 * He's the most down-to-earth character in his episode, and his voice is perfectly normal and his tone generally calm. Hilarious in and of itself, considering he's a clown-pirate.
 * Overly Long Gag: Captain Morgan's chin has something different written on it each time he's given a close-up.
 * In the last shot, it says "Stop Staring™".
 * Prison Rape: Happened to Luffy.

"Luffy: "Oh, you suck at this!"
 * Rapid-Fire Comedy: Gives Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series a run for its money. The rapid-fire pacing combined with the unorthodox perspective of much of the cast results in something literally stunning.
 * Rule of Three:
 * First minute of the first episode, no less:

Second sailor on deck: "Oh my God, Fred, you suck!"

Sailor in crow's nest: "Fred, you suck!""

"Zoro: I dragged his ass two miles and you had the﻿ *bleep* key the whole *bleep* fucking time!?"
 * Running Gag: A cupcake frequently appears to other characters in episode 2.
 * Shout-Out: In the crossover video, Luffy alludes to the "bridge" joke by informing Joekage that he digs canals.
 * "I'm on a boat! Pretty cool, huh?"
 * Single-Stroke Battle: Zoro against Cabaji.
 * Sound Effect Bleep
 * Played with in one line of episode 4. Averted in the rest of that episode.

"Capt. Morgan: I'm up to my tits in morons!
 * Spell My Name with an "S": Defied; Zoro's full name is "Zolo Zoro".
 * Surrounded by Idiots: This is apparently the case for Captain Morgan, as his subordinates apparently don't understand literary devices such as sarcasm and metaphor. It's also possible he's constantly being tossed the Idiot Ball by underlings who go out of their way to Troll him.

Capt. Morgan: Let's just stand around like idiots until someone does something!"

"Buggy: I be a Clown Pirate.
 * Talk Like a Pirate

Luffy: That's very interesting. You're very interesting."

"Luffy: "That stung like a woman with teeth in her beef portal!""
 * They Fight Crime: Luffy and Shanks in episode 3
 * Vagina Dentata: Referenced when Luffy gets shot in episode two.

"Luffy: [It stands for] "Dee."
 * What Do You Mean It's Not Awesome?: Zoro's sandwich, which has four different types of cheese and six different kinds of meat.
 * What Do You Mean It's Not Heinous?: Luffy is being hounded by the navy for... making Internet parodies.
 * Who's on First?: In episode 3, Zoro asks Luffy what the "D" in his name stands for.

Zoro: Yeah, what's it stand for?

Luffy: "Dee." [etc.]"

"(Luffy beats up four guys)
 * Who Writes This Crap?: Or maybe just in-universe; it's hard to tell.

Luffy: "Ball four, take yer base!" (looks at camera) "Dammit, that was terrible!""


 * Why Don't Ya Just Shoot Him: Averted by Nami and Luffy shooting Cabaji and Buggy respectively in episode 4.