Thalias Musings

Thalias Musings is an original Web Serial Novel. It’s narrated by Thalia, the Muse of Comedy, as she observes the comedy, drama, and tragedy of the ancient Greek pantheon. But when Thalia becomes more than an observer, the Fates take notice. Are Thalia’s powers limited to helping mortal playwrights hack out a comedy sketch, or can she create happy endings in real life, even for the gods? The Fates want to know.

In the first volume, A Snag in the Tapestry, Thalia and her eight sisters have been ordered by Zeus to leave their home on Mt. Helicon and move to Mt. Parnassus under the governorship of the god Apollo. When Thalia and Apollo raise a cursed nymph from the dead, Thalia starts to wonder if the Muses have greater powers than anyone realized. The Fates, threatened by this possibility, put her to a test. But Thalia cares less about the Fates’ games than the behind-the-scenes drama of the Olympian royal court.

You can read Thalia's Musings here.

Thalia's Musings provides examples of:
""The Almost Kiss. Such a classic trope in romantic comedy. The concept I am about to reveal to you may be beyond your mortal comprehension, so listen carefully: Romantic Comedy is what happens when my domain and Aphrodite’s intersect. The fact that she and I have never gotten along terribly well is the reason works in this genre so often fail at being either romantic or comical.""
 * Absurdly Youthful Mother: Hera, Demeter, and Mnemosyne. Their divine children look the same age as them. Calliope was this to her late son Orpheus who, as a demigod, ended up looking older than her.
 * Agent Peacock: Apollo, bishonen God of the Sun, Medical Science, Archery, Theatre and everything else. When Thalia puts gold eyeliner in his eyes before a debriefing, he leaves it there. To quote Eros the god of love, no girl could not want Apollo.
 * Almost Kiss: Lampshaded by Thalia as it happens to her and Apollo.

""I try to help [them] by providing a series of comic mishaps in their lives. They never seem very appreciative.""
 * Alpha Bitch: Aphrodite, though she has no Girl Posse and is excluded from the other Olympian cliques.
 * Hera is a straight example, being the queen of the gods and having her Girl Posse of Demeter and Hestia. Also she often puts down other gods and goddesses. She also often suffers humiliations due to her husband's chronic infidelities and having to put up with his bastard children on a daily basis.
 * Asexual: Hestia. Artemis claims to be this, but she's secretly in love with Athena.
 * Baleful Polymorph: Hera is very fond of visiting this fate on Zeus's paramours. Io in particular was turned into a cow and then given to Thalia as a pet.
 * Better as Friends: Thalia and Hephaestus. Hardly anyone remembers that they used to date. Hephaestus is in love with Aphrodite in spite of her constant cuckolding, and Thalia is totally not in love with Apollo.
 * Bishonen: Apollo, Dionysus, and Eros.
 * Bi the Way: Apollo, in contrast with Dionysus.
 * Blondes Are Evil: Aphrodite.
 * Brainy Brunette: Thalia, Calliope, and the rest of the Muses. Also Athena.
 * Butch Lesbian:
 * Artemis, though she insists she's Asexual and Athena is just a friend.
 * Athena is more femme, but her status as a battle goddess and her penchant for armor as casual wear don't quite make her a Lipstick Lesbian.
 * Cloudcuckoolander: It can be argued that Thalia is one. Wedding peacocks, nuff said. Also she glued herself to her chair.
 * Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: Apollo believes he is this to Thalia. Thalia disagrees.
 * Comedic Sociopathy: Thalia's method of answering her worshipers' prayers for comedic inspiration.

"Psyche: It sounds like you might have some unresolved issues. Have you considered the idea that your promiscuity is your way of establishing autonomy, something you’ve never truly had?
 * Cool Horse: Pegasus. Athena gave him to the Muses because he was too smart for her soldiers.
 * Curse: The one Hera had placed on poor Echo was a particularly nasty one.
 * Decoy Getaway:
 * Depraved Bisexual: Zeus and Dionysus. See also Anything That Moves.
 * Dumb Blonde: Aphrodite, full stop. But she does have a certain shrewdness to the matters of heart. For example she can see right through Apollo and Thalia.
 * Dumb Muscle: Ares.
 * Dysfunctional Family:
 * Zeus and Hera's family, both with their legitimate children and Zeus' bastards to whom Hera is the Wicked Stepmother.
 * Hephaestus, Aphrodite, and Eros.
 * Averted with the Muses, Hades and Persephone, and Asclepius and Epione's family.
 * The Empath: Psyche. Revealing her observations to Aphrodite may not have been her brightest move.

Aphrodite: Have you considered that I could snap my fingers and make sure you die a lonely, bitter, virgin crone, you presumptuous little bitch?"

"Apollo: Well, that's the end of that. I hope you've learned something.
 * Everyone Can See It: Let's see, Apollo and Thalia have feelings for each other. Hephaestus sympathises with her during the Daphne debacle, Eros and Aphrodite keep offering to set them up together. Even Artemis knows that her brother becomes aflicted with a case of Love Makes You Stupid when he is showing of for Thalia. Also everyone in Olympus speculates about them.
 * Exact Words: Aphrodite's Genre Savvy blessing on the Pythian Games:  Thalia, being equally genre savvy, knows that if she or Apollo are chosen,
 * The first to be chosen is
 * The second is
 * Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette: Persephone. After Thalia gave her a makeover.
 * FemBot: Thalia recalls Hephaestus constructing "solid gold, fully automated, mechanical assistants" that were built "in the form of very attractive women." He got rid of them once he had a girlfriend.
 * Give Geeks a Chance: Hephaestus tries to invoke this in his marriage to Aphrodite. It doesn't work.
 * Green Eyes: Aphrodite, Aglaea.
 * Gray Eyes: Apollo, Artemis, Athena.
 * God Save Us From the Queen: Hera, to Zeus' paramours, their children, and any of their sympathizers.
 * Golden Moment: Apollo attempts to invoke this trope after Thalia has a narrow brush with Hera's wrath. Thalia can't take it seriously and doubts he does, either.

Thalia: I've learned I am never giving birth."

"Thalia: Call Pan and Dionysus to the Corycian Cave on the slopes of Mount Parnassus and host a feast.
 * Goth: Persephone and Hades. Hades is, after all, the god of metal.
 * Got Volunteered: Happens to Apollo when he tries to get Thalia out of watching eternal adolescent Eros for the day. (She owed Hephaestus a favor.) Hephaestus thinks Apollo is volunteering to help. Apollo is too nice to refuse.
 * Hair of Gold: Apollo, Artemis, Aglaea, and Eros.
 * Happily Married: Hades and Persephone; Asclepius and Epione.
 * Hot Dad: Zeus, Apollo, whoever Eros' father is.
 * Hot Mom: Hera, Demeter, Mnemosyne, Calliope, Aphrodite. Any of the goddesses who have children, really.
 * I Am Not My Father: Apollo to Zeus.
 * I Just Want to Be Badass: Thalia concludes this must be Calliope's reason for dating Ares. That and Ares is hot.
 * I Want Grandkids: Mnemosyne to the Muses.
 * Implausible Deniability: Thalia tries this with Apollo when he asks for an explanation of the noise from a Wild Teen Party. She claims her sisters are just singing each other to sleep - with a parody of Tik Tok.
 * Immune to Fate: The Fates wonder if Thalia and thus the rest of the Muses are this. They don't like the idea.
 * Irony: When Hera says that during a wedding the attention belongs solely on the bride and groom and on the goddess that made the union possible. What she does not know is that it was Thalia's blessing (At least in part) that made that particular union possible. Thalia of course lampshades this in her thoughts.
 * Invisible to Normals: The gods and demigods, unless they choose to be seen and/or heard.
 * Kissing Under the Influence: Calliope after the beach party. Also everyone that gets hit by Eros's golden arrows.
 * Love Makes You Stupid: According to Artemis, Apollo suffers from this. Also Eros after he rescued Psyche.
 * Love Potion: Eros's arrows and Aphrodite's spells work in that fashion. One notable example is Aphitrite.
 * Like Brother and Sister: Apollo and Calliope, except on rare occasions when Calliope is drunk.
 * Love Goddess: Aphrodite, of course. And her favorite lover is Ares, the War God.
 * Marry for Love:
 * Persephone did this with Hades, in spite of being sought after by most of Zeus' sons.
 * Eros and Psyche.
 * Aphrodite resents not being given this option.
 * Massive Numbered Siblings:
 * The Nine Muses.
 * Aglaea is the youngest of Asclepius and Epione's nine children.
 * At the end of Volume One,
 * My Beloved Smother: Demeter to Persephone.
 * Not Blood Siblings: Zeus and Hera. The Titans are beings of pure spirit who paired off and joined their energy to create the first generation of Olympian gods. Zeus and Hera, as well as Hestia, Demeter, Hades, and Poseidon, were created by Cronus and Rhea.
 * Athena and Artemis. Artemis is Zeus' biological daughter, and Athena is his ward and ex nihilo creation.
 * Parental Marriage Veto: One of the laws of the Pantheon, even for the Twelve. Apollo tries to invoke this as Governor of the Muses, but is quickly shot down by Calliope. It's strongly implied that Artemis, as Apollo's legal guardian, can invoke this to him.
 * Parents in Distress: Leto, often, to Apollo and Artemis. This is the origin of the Pythian Games.
 * Pervert Dad: Zeus, to his sons as well as his daughters. He mocks Apollo for not making the Muses his harem and
 * Promotion to Parent: Twins Apollo and Artemis became this to each other when Zeus took them from their mother. Artemis appointed herself Apollo's legal guardian.
 * Relationship-Salvaging Disaster: Thalia thinks Eros' disappearance will be this to Hephaestus and Aphrodite's troubled marriage.
 * Replacement Goldfish: Both Aphrodite and Aglaea are blondes and they have green eyes. Also Apollo aparently saw Hestia as a replacement for his Missing Mom Leto.
 * Royally Screwed-Up: Zeus and Hera and their children, ranging from good but troubled (Apollo and Artemis) to flat-out crazy (Eris).
 * Seers: Apollo and Hera.
 * Shipper on Deck: Aphrodite and Eros to Thalia and Apollo. Eros to Thalia and Athena, Apollo and Daphne, Zeus and Hera, Zeus and Io, etc.
 * Show Within a Show: The play Thalia sponsors at the Pythian Games is Type 3. It provides a safe means of
 * Stalker with a Crush: Every god and goddess has done this to a pretty mortal at least once.
 * Straight Man and Wise Guy: Apollo often ends up playing the straight man to Thalia's wise guy.
 * Though, strictly speaking, he's not a straight man.
 * Tall, Dark and Handsome: Ares. His half-brothers, with the exception of Hephaestus, lean more toward Bishonen.
 * Tangled Family Tree: It's the Greek Pantheon.
 * Team Mom: Calliope to the Muses and Apollo, though Mnemosyne was a very involved mother during her daughters' childhoods and complains that they don't call her often enough.
 * Truly Single Parent: Mnemosyne to the Muses, Demeter to Persephone, Hera to Hephaestus, and Zeus to Athena.
 * Too Dumb to Live: Psyche, it is not a good idea to point out psychological issues in public to a vain Love Godess known to smite any mortal that is too pretty. Arguably all the mortal girls that participated on the beauty pageant in the Delphic games. As Thalia put it, Aphrodite hosted that event to know who to smite.
 * Also Chione, mortal lover of both Apollo and Hermes, at the same time. Not only did she two-time a god but she also insulted his overprotective sister Artemis. Honestly, telling a goddess that she is a virgin because no man could possibly want her? That is just asking for death.
 * One nymph Thalia met while on Poseidon's court. She bragged to have bedded Zeus and mocked Hera for not realising her. She also pressed Thalia's Beserk Button by insulting Apollo. Thalia took her to Artemis. The nymph proceeded to insult the goddess of the hunt and got skewered by a few arrows as a result.
 * Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: How Aphrodite sees her marriage to Hephaestus. Hephaestus is considered the least attractive of the Olympians, especially compared to his brother Ares. However, it's implied that this designation is highly relative.
 * Ultimate Blacksmith: Hephaestus. Eros inherited some of his skill, but since his biological father is probably either Ares or Hermes, it's likely more nurture than nature.
 * Unresolved Sexual Tension: Thalia and Apollo, and Beta Couple Artemis and Athena.
 * White-Haired Pretty Boy: Zeus.
 * Wild Teen Party: Thalia answers a mortal's prayer for comic inspiration by ordering him to throw one of these on Mt. Parnassus, which will infuriate Apollo.

Eustachys: A feast, Lady Thalia?

Thalia: Yes, a feast, a festival, a party. Not just any party, a party so awesome that Dionysus will wish it was his idea. Loud, crazy music; tons of wine; a huge bonfire; and, of course, the most uninhibited dancing imaginable. Oh, and do it tonight.

Eustachys: But if I do this on Apollo’s very doorstep -

Thalia: You can’t see why this is a good idea? Man, no wonder you can’t write comedy."


 * You Need to Get Laid: One idiotic nymph made the lethal mistake of saying this to Artemis of all people.