Jessie/Funny

"Landlady: You people have a vicious, cold-blooded reptile living in this building?.
 * This exchange between the landlady and Zuri in "The Talented Mr. Kipling":

Zuri: Why not? You live here."

"Jessie: All my boyfriends have to be at least 18. *looks at Mr. Kipling* And human.
 * Same episode:

Emma: So Luke, you're 0 for 2."

"Ravi: Bertram, we have terrible news!
 * When Ravi gets a mystical eyeball app on his computer:

Bertram: Your parents are having another kid?

Ravi: No. You are going to get hurt doing the splits, choke on stuffing, and then get carried away by a dark, shadowy figure at 6:22 tomorrow!

Bertram: You figured all that out by asking yes or no questions?

Zuri: We asked a lot of questions.

Bertram: Well, I have a prediction. An incredibly handsome man will tap-dance out of the kitchen! *tap dances out of kitchen and does a tongue expression*"

"Bertram: I'm not going to get hurt doing the splits. *slips on a banana peel, then lands in a split pose* Ow!
 * Later in the same ep:

Ravi: It said he would get hurt doing the splits, and he is doing the splits! (beat)

Zuri: And he was eating a banana split!

Ravi: A double split!

Bertram: Meanwhile, I'm splitting my pants!

Ravi and Zuri: A TRIPLE SPLIT!"

"Ravi: I guess a 3 dollar computer application cannot hold the answer to all of life's mysteries.
 * And at the end of the ep:

Jessie: Yeah. *beat* Those cost 4.99!"

"Connie: Hey Luke! It's nanny Jessie! Yip-pi-ee kai-yay... ok fine, it's Connie."
 * One of Creepy Connie's voice mails:

"Emma: People are staring. And in New York, that's saying something."
 * When Jessie freaks out on the subway:

"Mrs. Chesterfield: Marla! Your friend is a terrible nanny! She couldn't take care of a bowl of sea monkeys.
 * When Jessie is making a film for her friend Darla:

Jessie: Hey! I'll have you know that all of my sea monkeys died of natural causes! (Beat) ...And a thirsty cat."

"Zuri: The Great Ravi will see you now.
 * From "Used Karma" cue Zuri escorting Luke into the screening room.

Ravi: Luke. I have been expecting you.

Luke: What is all this?

Ravi: You have just entered my lair.

Luke: Dude, it's the screening room.

Ravi: True, but it doubles as my lair.

Luke: Okay, isn't a lair usually underground-

Ravi: I TELL YOU, IT IS A LAIR!

Zuri: (whispers to Luke) Just go with it.

Luke: Not the point. I need your help with my bad karma.

Ravi: I will help you, but first... admit to me this is a lair."

"Brody: How did you ever get to be a butler?
 * This line from "The Princess and the Pea Brain":

Bertram: Well, I wanted to be an obnoxious rich kid, but the job was filled."