Hellsing Abridged/Funny

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"Alucard: "That was a 70 inch...Plasma screen TV....*tsk*....SO, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?""
 * Alucard's casual reaction to Luke's first appearence

"Edward Cullen: (Answers the door) Who is it?
 * In the first episode, Alucard quickly becomes a "Crowning Character of Funny".
 * The Bait and Switch Credits involving One Piece.
 * During the first few minutes of the series, Alucard kills Edward Cullen. Also doubles as a Moment of Awesome.

Alucard: Oh, you know (Shoots Edward Cullen 37 times) A real fuckin' vampire!"

"Vampire Priest: Are you mocking me?
 * Alucard annoying Seras to "take the shot".
 * "There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead! There's blood everywhere!"
 * Then Alucard's response/reaction: "Oh, you are just a treat."
 * This exchange-

Alucard: Oh, no. No, no, no, no... (Scoffs) Yeah! (Shoots the vampire priest.)"

"Integra: So, that's your field report?
 * "Sorry about that whole shooting you thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...Which is currently all over that tree..."
 * "Aww, geez, you look like a puppy. A blond eviscerated puppy."
 * The "field report"-

Alucard: Yup.

Integra: You went for walk in the forest at midnight?

Alucard: Yup.

Integra: You killed a homicidal vampire priest?

Alucard: Dead.

Integra: And then you turned someone into a vampire who happened to be a-

Both: Big tittied police girl."

"Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman, Integra, I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes!
 * "I take enthusiastic walks."
 * "And kill homicidal vampire priests..."
 * "Very enthusiastic walks."
 * "Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead only, like, 100 times more awesome!"
 * Made even funnier due to the whole scene showing Seras with a bored look on her face rather than Alucard's joy-fueled carnage.
 * Then when Seras finally does join in, Alucard gives us this line:

(Seras gets stabbed repeatedly by Anderson)"

- Alucard: Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina.

"Alucard: (Sniff sniff) Huh? Suddenly it smells of hypocracy in here.
 * Then when Anderson appears:

(Anderson turns the corner)

Alucard: Oh, if it isnt the Catholic Church! And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!"

"Anderson: (after seeing Alucard regenerate after being decapitated) How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!
 * All of the interaction between Alucard and Anderson.
 * In particular, this exchange:

Alucard: Fuck you, that's how."

"Alucard: "Eh, I'd say about ninety-nine... Point nine percent done..."
 * In Episode 2, Alucard continues his reign as the King of funny.
 * Alucard reports back about his mission in Japan.


 * While a high school is opening up.*"

"Luke: I'm Luke Valentine.
 * This exchange between Alucard and Luke.

Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego GUESS WHERE I AM!

Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.

Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.

'Points their weapons at each other'

Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?"

"Jan: Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone! Come here, Ghoul! (Ghoul groans)"
 * And not just that exchange - that entire scene with Luke and Alucard is basically one long crowning moment of funny from beginning to end.
 * Alucard watching Adventure Time.
 * Somehow, Jan is even more hilarious than he is in the actual series.

"Jan: "Read the fucking paper!"
 * The entire scene where the Convention Of Twelve discuss where the budget's money went which involves Alucard painting Integra's father's car red with goat's blood, picking up a hooker named "Candi", and crashing said car into a Dairy Queen.
 * During Jan and Luke's assault on Hellsing Headquarters, Integra attempts to contact communications, only to find Jan on the other line, having taken the communications officer hostage:

Communications officer: (Whimpering) "H-hey there, Integra."

Jan: "READ IT FUCKING RIGHT, COCKHOLE!" (Slap)

Communications officer: "HEEY THERE, you fat, English, whore."

Jan: "That's more like it. Now keep going."

Communications officer: "Me, and my big brother, Luke, are killing, all of your men. And turning them into ghouls. So I h-hope you made peace, with yourself, 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna...oh God."

Jan: "Keep reading or I shoot the other testicle!"

Communications officer: "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you gooottt." (Sob) "And then I'm gonna keep makin' more holes to fuh-huck. Until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood. And semen. Oh God, this is horrible!"

Jan: "You ain't finished yet!"

Communications officer: "So prepare your dried out pussy, for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO!" (Gunshot)

Jan: "Ha ha ha ha! His fucking face, man! Ha ha! Fuck! Ha ha ha! Oh now that shit is priceless!" (Hangs up)"

"Jan: "And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!"
 * The above manages to be both hysterical and completely and utterly terrifying.
 * Alucard's line at the end. "BITCH! I EAT PEOPLE!".
 * Jan lines before the attack on the mansion

Hellsing Guard: "Where from?"

(Loads of guns pop out from the bus's window)

Jan: Texas.

(Guard gets mulched by bullets)

Jan: Well, shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools."

"Jan: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK! THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!"
 * Jan's reaction to Police Girl's new gun.

"Alucard: What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name...Michael McDoesntExist?"
 * Alucard's response when Integra tries to stop him from going on another "walk":

"Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons!"
 * "WE'RE HERE ON EPIC MEAL TIME! I'M SAUCE﻿ BOSS AND TONIGHT WE'RE EATING THIS BLONDE LITTLE WANNABE DEMI-GOD BITCH!"
 * Alucard's request for what Integra should get Seras as part of his bribe.

"Seras: (staring down the sights at Jan and his ghouls) Bitches love cannons. (KABOOM!)"
 * As well as Seras' Call Back when she finally uses her new anti-tank rifle: