Stargate Atlantis/Funny

"McKay: Oh my God, he is Kirk!"
 * In "Letters from Pegasus", McKay records a video to send to Earth containing his thoughts on the mission so far, and keeps getting wildly sidetracked from his topic before wandering back to it with "Where was I... oh yes... leadership." All in the delivery.
 * Another from that episode, when Zelenka records a video message enthusiastically recapping the rising of Atlantis in unsubtitled Czech. When he's finished, the cameraman asks, "You didn't say anything that would require security clearance, did you?" "Security clearance?"
 * Ronon and his gun. Sheppard's reaction is simply priceless.
 * The Running Gag with McKay's observations that Sheppard frequently has good chemistry going with Ascended and alien women is sometimes a floor-roller.

"Sheppard: Yes, and I said I was sorry.
 * Also, "You shot me!"

Ronon: He shot me too.

Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!"

"Weir: I can't understand why you thought it as a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
 * Or when they're experimenting with the personal shield in season one.

McKay: Believe me, it wasn't the first thing we tried.

Sheppard: (proudly) I shot him!

(Weir makes a Flat What face)

Sheppard: In the leg! (shrugs)"

"McKay: Whoa, wait a second. 736? The U.V. index there during the day is something like a thousand.
 * In the Season 2 episode "Runner", the team is going to a Death World to try and find Lt. Ford. Rodney objects to the Death World aspect.

Sheppard: Bring your sunscreen. Be ready in ten minutes.

(Rodney grumps. Everyone stares at him.)

McKay: What? I wanna get Ford back just as much as everyone else, but do you see my complexion? Yes, it's very fair! Extremely fair. (Beat.) This isn't fair."

"McKay: "Ah, so they can fly that ship without you."
 * The dialogue between Sheppard, McKay, and passive-aggressive Asgard Hermiod in the episode "Intruder". Sheppard's clear unease around Hermiod, and especially the delivery of "Is he supposed to be naked like that?!" are especially lol-worthy.
 * Hermiod, by virtue of sharing most of his scenes with McKay, is CMOF incarnate. He's basically the Asgard McKay.
 * He has several hilarious lines like "yay" in perfect deadpan, the famous "Crap, indeed." or his sassing of Kavanaugh: "Stop talking, please. Thank you."

Hermiod: "Yes. But apparently you can't run these tests without me."

McKay: "Very funny.""

"Sheppard: I don't even know your name. That's assuming you people even have names. (pause) Wait. Let me guess. Is it... Steve?
 * McKay levels a gun at the two Wraith that stunned his escorts and have him cornered, and yells "You want some of this, huh?!" Then hits the magazine release...
 * When Sheppard is talking to the Wraith they've captured, early on in the first season:

"Steve" the Wraith: I am your death. That is all you ever need know.

(long pause)

Sheppard: I liked Steve better."

"Todd: ("feeding" hand extended and talking to Carter) I believe it is customary on your planet to shake hands as a sign of greeting.
 * Almost every time Todd is on screen. Here's his first encounter with Carter:

(every marine raises his rifle)

Todd: (laughing) Just a little bit of Wraith humor."

"Kenny: They appear to have jumped to a new location.
 * Todd's second-in-command (whom Sheppard nicknames "Kenny") seems to have picked up on his boss's snarking:

McKay: Why would they do that?

Kenny: I do not know. I'm not on the ship."

"Sheppard: Wait a second. Are these things even close to a transporter?
 * In "The Storm" Sheppard has to disconnect two inconveniently placed grounding stations.

McKay: Elizabeth's is.

Sheppard: And mine?

McKay: It's a...brisk walk away.

Sheppard: And by "brisk" you mean "far"?

McKay: And by "walk" I mean "run.""

"McKay: (very very doped up on drugs and slightly slurring) Excuse me -- why am I lying here?
 * Meredith?
 * From "Sateda":

Carson: You have an arrow, Rodney. In your gluteous maximus.

McKay: Oh. Well, that sounds painful. (dopily muttering to himself) Gluteous... maximus. Glooteeous, maxi-- (with mild, drowsy surprise) Oh my god! That's my ass, isn't it?

Carson: (resignedly) Aye."

"Woolsey: That sounded like an explosion!
 * This exchange:

O'Neill: Yes. Yes it did.

Woolsey: What does that mean?

O'Neill: Something exploded."

"Stephen Hawking: We get it. It works. Shut it down. I'm starting to freeze to my chair."
 * Same episode, after Woolsey asks another string of questions, and Jack finally points out that he's been sitting right next to Woolsey the whole time, so how does Woolsey expect him to know any more than he does?
 * The episode "Brain Storm", where Rodney attends a scientific conference -- and is bullied by Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson ("from TV"). Also, the running gag of people assuming Keller is Rodney's sister.
 * Pretty much that entire episode counts.

"Teal'c: "I would very much desire a weapon such as this!"
 * McKay to Neil deGrasse Tyson: "Hey, at least I didn't declassify Pluto from planet status. Way to make all the little kids cry, Neil. That make you feel like a big man?" SO. GOOD.
 * Harmony steals Shephard's chocolate, blames Rodney and pretends to cry.
 * Sheppard: "Operation This Will Most Likely End Badly is a go."
 * The team are stranded on a prison island so they're stuck fighting off the prisoners. Teyla improvises eskrima sticks by breaking a sturdy branch in half across her knee. Sheppard tries the same thing, except his branch is much thicker and he just ends up badly bruising his knee. So he uses it to knock the wind out of an ambushing prisoner.
 * It's a small one, but after Sam calls a end to the Ronon and Teal'c fight, Sheppard is glowering as he takes his part of the betting pool and then hands one of the random money notes back to Chuck the technician, who just looks baffled.
 * What I find even more funny in that scene is that those "random money notes" are actually Canadian bills.
 * Teal'c and Ronon vs an entire base of Wraith. During this epic curbstomp, Teal'c at one point picks up Ronon's gun and shoots a Wraith with it. Afterward, he stares at it in awe, and looks at Ronon.

Ronon: *grabs gun* "Yeah? Get in line.""

"Sheppard: "Canadian football's a joke... Celine Dion is overrated... Zalenka is smarter than you are!"
 * Rodney has temporarily lost his hearing. Sheppard tries to get his attention by making him angry:

Rodney: "I've found it! There an Ancient bio-lab that may have some data on this. We should go check it out!"

Sheppard: "Sure thing, Meredith.""

"Sheppard: "I got seven, Teyla got...?"
 * This scene, completely random and unexpected.
 * Sheppard refusing to let Teyla have more kills than him:

Teyla: "Eight."

Sheppard: "Right, I got nine, Teyla got eight, Ronon got the rest."

Teyla: *rolls eyes*"

"Col. Caldwell: "Wow... you must really be some kind of genius."
 * This line:

McKay: "Well, as a matter of fact I-- eh, wait, why would you say that just now?"

Col. Caldwell: "Something has to have kept Col. Sheppard from shooting you all this time.""

"Dr. Rodney McKay: "That's weird. A bunch of secondary systems just came online."
 * As usual, Rodney is rather confident

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: "You're a genius, Rodney."

Dr. Rodney McKay: "True, but I didn't do it.""

"Sheppard: What the hell are you doing?
 * Ronon was first introduced by holding Sheppard and Teyla hostage by tying them up back to back. While he's away hunting, Teyla attempts to reach her knife by wriggling her fingers through the ropes. The look on Sheppard's face thinks otherwise.

Teyla: Getting my hand free.

Sheppard: Doesn't feel that way."

"Zelenka: (panicky) I-I can't even swim!
 * While an otherwise serious episode, Grace Under Pressure has this little gem from when Sheppard recruits Zelenka to help him find McKay's crashed puddlejumper on the ocean floor.

Sheppard: There's not much swimming in that depth.

Weir: Look, I'm not going to order you to go-

Sheppard: I will!

(Weir gives him a Death Glare)"