Up in Smoke (fanfic)/Funny

"Man: I Slept in a ditch last night and almost froze my balls off.
 * Pedro and the Man meet for the first time when Chong hitchhikes with fake breasts.

Pedro: I didn't even think you had any!"

"Pedro: No, that's my dick...[finds it] Here it is.
 * Pedro, trying to find a joint to share with Chong:

Chong: I hope your dick's bigger than this, man."


 * "Am I driving OK?" [They're parked.]

""You just ate the most acid I ever seen anyone eat in my life.""
 * "Hey don't take those, man."

""My license? It's on the bumper."
 * Cheech, talking to the cop while stoned.

"Here's your momma!"

"His name is RAAAAAALPH, man.""


 * Chong spills Ajax on a plate. A woman sees it and thinks that it's cocaine...

"Cop: "What do you guys want?"
 * The marijuana van is overheating. A cop pulls Pedro and Chong over and gets high off the fumes.

Cop: "Do you mind if I have a, bite of your, ah, hot dog?"

Chong: "What was he on, man?

Cheech: "I don't know but I wish we had some of it!""

""Radio dispatch! Do you know who this is?"
 * Chong on the police dispatch with Sgt. Stadenko: "Was that Lard Ass?" "HARD HAT, HARD HAT!!!"
 * In a deleted scene: "The van was last seen headed to your momma's bedroom."
 * The end to that bit:

"No, who is this is?"

"This is Sargent Stadenko!"

"Oh, yeah? You know who this is?"

"...No...!"

"Bye-bye, lardass!""


 * "Fuck me, Alex!"
 * "I didn't know your name was Alex, man!"


 * The entire Alice Bowie performance.


 * "You mean we're smoking dogshit, man?"