Archer/Funny

"Lana: CAPtain LAMMers!?
 * Skytanic: "'B,' as in 'butthole,' and ',' as in 'ancy!'"
 * And the following meta gem:

Archer: Nice read, Velma"

"Racist."
 * I call Him Fister Roboto.
 * And the best thing is he's learning.
 * Most of Krieger's lines while he's avoiding work in "Skorpio":
 * "I'm sorry, your authority is not recognized in FORT KICKASS!"
 * "I guess I was too busy fantasizing about Archer and Lana having intercourse!!!"
 * "The secret ingredient is phone."
 * "Get him out of here, because these corporate bag-munchers owe me six hundred and thirty dollars for my goddamn FLEX ACCOUNT!"
 * Krieger and LSD. That is all.
 * Pam acting Jamacian.

"Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world-wide database.
 * Mandingo 2: The Enslavening
 * Krieger's virtual girlfriend and the Planet of the Apes reference right after said "girl" is on-screen.
 * Lana? Lana? Lana? LAAAANAAAAAA!
 * WHAT?
 * Danger Zone
 * Small Miracles
 * 'Dungeness' Crab? Because we're in a dungeon? I'm kidding, crab rangoon
 * The episode where Pam is kidnapped. Archer talks with the kidnappers talking on a voice modulator, and hangs up because he thinks they're cyborgs. Then, Cyril kidnaps Cheryl and tries to hold her for ransom...when Lana walks in on him. he pretends to have phone sex. And then we hear it modulated. Mallory then traces the call...to Cyril's office and runs off after Lana and says, "They were calling from this floor!"
 * "Immigrants, that's how they do y'know! Driving around, blasting all the raps and shooting all the jobs!"
 * "Immigrants, with their lowriders, full of free healthcare and snow.
 * "Why was I dressed as Hitler?"
 * "Why was he dressed as Hitler?"
 * "How hard is it to poach a goddamn egg?...Seriously, Woodhouse, that's like Eggs 101."
 * Another Danger Zone reference. After Conway gets away, stabbing Archer in the back (literally) in the process, as Lana's informing him:

Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...

Lana: *sigh*

Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*

Lana: And those were his last words."

"Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
 * "I've never seen an ocelot! . . . Holy shit, you guys, look at his little spots! . . . look at his tufted ears!"
 * Krieger's explanation as to why he can't shut down the computer.

Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.

Malory: Then how is it still on?

Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe...into a sentient being.

(dramatic musical sting)

Malory: What?

Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup."

"Archer: Oh my god, you killed a hooker!
 * "Rampage!"
 * "Shoot! Shoot, bitch! DEMOCRACY IS AT STAKE!"
 * And later:

Cyril: Call girl, she was a --

Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers!"

"Mallory: Wait, you set this whole thing up so I would have to move in with you and your mother?!
 * In "Honeypot" this exchange between Mallory and Major Jakov:

Jakov: No! It was merely incompetence!

Mallory: And that makes it better?

Jakov: ...doesn't it?"

"Malory: Well why don't you wear a vasectomy?
 * "Hey, it's not my fault the Pope won't let me wear a condom!"

Archer: Oh come on! Don't you want a grandkid?

Malory: If I did, I'd just scoop all your previous mishaps into one big pile and knit it a onesie!

Archer: ...Jesus Christ."

""Hey! What are you doing?" (slap) "Here!" (stuffs a wad of money down his throat) "Go buy a nicotine patch!" (shoves him off his feet)"
 * Archer's treatment of the man smoking the cigar in "Skytanic."

"Archer: Seriously, I must reek of her. Here, can you smell her on me?"
 * Archer's inadvertent taunting of Barry after having sex with his girlfriend in "Job Offer".

"Mallory: I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van....
 * "It's only you that beats you, buddy."
 * "Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage!"
 * Krieger's van.

Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is like rolling probable cause.

Mallory: So all ashore from the SS Date Rape!

Ray: Toot-toot!"

"Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?
 * When Archer is trying to teach Cyril how to be a secret agent:

Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!

Cyril: I don't know, I...

Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?

Cyril: Uh, how should I know?

Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!

Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!

Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!

Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...

Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip."

"Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ...
 * When Gillete and Lana are on a rented boat going to rescue Archer, Gillete is getting a manicure from a man-servant.

Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my racial background I might just have an issue with someone owning another human being?

Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him."

"Malory: Eve! It was only Christmas Eve."
 * Malory's increasingly defensive remarks re: moving and leaving Archer alone on Christmas

"Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you
 * Archer interrogating the Irish mob about fake cancer medication in the style of a Family Feud-like show. Only the bad answers are awarded with a shotgun blast to the kneecap.
 * That whole scene was priceless. From "these potato heads are the unsexiest mob ever" to whether or not the Honduran janitors can speak spanish.

Lana: You are also shitfaced.

Archer: Can't I be both?"

"Malory: The last thing I need is this spreading like...Pam, what the hell!"
 * "Krieger-san! You promised!!" A Brick Joke and near-throwaway line in the Season 2 finale, when Krieger's "virtual girlfriend" inexplicably returns. The Funny Moment is from watching "Tragical History" earlier in the season, when we learn that
 * Malory talking to Lana and Pam about her mammogram results, and how there might be something there. She then asks them not to have it spread around the office...only for Pam to be texting the office already. She states that gossip is like a disease, and returns to texting, only for Malory to call her out again. Pam asks if she knows what "disease" means, then remembers she might have breast cancer. Refuge in Audacity even for this show.

"Lana: "Unkempt bush!? My vulva is as smooth as a veal cutlet!"
 * Cyril sneaks onto the Skytanic because he is concerned about Lana cheating on him with Archer. Meanwhile, Archer and Lana are arguing about their genitals.


 * Lana opens the door to find Cyril*

Lana: And what incredibly horrible timing."

"Carol: That’s our pee and that’s the last I better hear about it because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I will burn it to the ground."
 * A naked Carol, and near naked Gillete rolling into Mallory's office, after a really bad experience with a urine test cheating drug.

"Archer: "No, Babou. That was all sarcasm."
 * "BABOU, SERPENTINE!"
 * At the very end of "The Limited," after the ocelot pissed on Archer's torn and bloodied suit:

Babou: [growls]

Archer: "YES! ALL OF IT! YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!"

"Archer: How did you get so good at that?
 * "Lo Scandalo." The dinner party. All of it.
 * "Well, hello there, game changer."

Pam: Well I grew up on a farm.

Archer: I hope to god that's not relevant."


 * There's a version of the pilot episode on the DVD where Archer is replaced by a velociraptor. Its exactly as silly as it sounds.