Schlock Mercenary/Funny

It may be a space opera, but there's still plenty to laugh about here:

"Kevyn: If I weren't so busy right now, I'd buy you drinks in order to hear the rest of this report.
 * "Look! Up in the sky!" "It's a turd!" "On a flame!".
 * "Did he just say 'flakeymost'?" "Death is too good for this one."
 * Kevyn learns to be careful with the very flames of heaven.
 * Ennesby gets control of his own personal army of worker drones. He makes them sing.
 * Quit worrying about hallucinations and TOGGLE THAT MONKEY!
 * "I AM ABLATIVE ARMOR!"
 * Captain Tagon almost turns down money.
 * Of course, also hilarious was Captain Tagon actually turning down money, and the reaction of the adjutant, doctor, and reverend.
 * "You're in the circus, try to be happy. You're in the circus, try to be happy." had me in stiches.
 * "Well... there wasn't any tongue."
 * No, the monkey is new.
 * Pi still has a full goodie-bag.
 * I STILL HAVE A FULL GOODIE-BAG!
 * Anybody who knew Pi and heard him say that should, by all rights, empty their bowels at the sound of that sentence.
 * No, I eat my enemies when they are delicious.
 * "How can anybody ever NOT need a gunship?"
 * 'Dumped on the stoop' is a new one.
 * "I had my own little army for awhile. Then I got sick" "You look okay now, Shep." "Okay? I can barely Bench-Press three times my weight."
 * Schlock goes base-jumping. (follow the next three pages)

Schlock: If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub."

"Massey: All you need to do is to drop all charges against our lieutenant.
 * "She's like Patton with boobs."
 * Made all the funnier by one reader's comment: "But it's impolite for one of the boobs to mention that."
 * "Officer Training 101: Don't taunt Murphy."
 * This one's for Massey:

Attorney Drone I: You are a wicked little man, Reynstein.

Massey: I am, and that brings us to my final item. I'd like you to examine this document, in which the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs" is named an agent of the U.N.S. Superior Court for purposes of administering damages against the Partnership Collective.

datascreen readout: goodbye!

Attorney Drone II: This is disturbing.

Attorney Drone I: It is also ticking."

"Tagon: I guess we celebrated your death a little too early.
 * "They committed suicide when they saw me coming."
 * Equipment failure.
 * The christening of the Touch-And-Go.
 * "This is not fair! Everybody, EVERYBODY, is getting to shoot EXCEPT FOR-(plasgun!) MEEEE!"
 * "I can't wait to tell Tagon that since he wouldn't give us a gunship, we had to steal one."
 * Kevin's rebuff of Para's opinion of his science being not mad enough.
 * General Xinchub, not quite dead.

Xinchub: Sorry to disappoint you, Captain.

Tagon: (armed and wearing a party hat) Oh, its no trouble. We kept the party hats, just in case."


 * Pau: the mastermind here, or not the mastermind here?
 * Legs finds the spot where a camera should go. Also, a camera, already there.
 * Massey details the human justice system to amorphs. The real kicker is that even the faceless medical bot on the background is wigged out.
 * The gunfire is just annoying. The racial profiling, though....that hurt me. I mean, it cuts deep, guys.
 * "...are you angry?" "I am not angry!"
 * "Tagii doesn't need overrides when I let her use plasma."