Seinfeld/Funny

""I think you got the wrong guy!"
 * "The Doll", where George's girlfriend has a doll that looks exactly like his mother, and it begins talking to him. Also, when Frank saw the doll at the end, he also imagined it talking to him in Estelle's voice, then strangled it and pulled its head off.
 * The Bizarro group of friends in "Bizarro Jerry"
 * When Jerry becomes Kramer and Kramer becomes Jerry in the "Chicken Roaster"
 * The entire scene when Kramer impersonates a cop to recover a stolen statue, but especially:

[in a moment of doubt] "Your name Ray?"

"Yes?"

"YEAH YOU'RE THE GUY I'M LOOKING FOR!""

"Kramer: All I see is a giant red sun in the shape of a chicken!
 * A Kenny Rogers restaurant right outside the apartment complex? What could go wrong? Oh, yeah...the sign is insanely bright and beams directly into Kramer's apartment. It drives him crazy(er):

Jerry: Well why don't you close the blinds?

Kramer: (distraught) THEY ARE CLOSED!"

"Newman: Isn't it convenient that you had the foresight to purchase shipping insurance? Afterall, packages are rarely damaged during handling.
 * He then storms out of Jerry's apartment, where the hallway is blood red and there's a horrible, constant electric buzzing. Kramer reacts like a vampire who got exposed to direct sunlight.
 * Newman's entire interrogation of Jerry for suspicion of mail fraud.

Jerry: Define 'rarely'.

Newman: Frequently...

(Later)

Newman: (Holding clipboard) Is this or is this not your signature?

Jerry: As a matter of fact, it isn't.

Newman: Heh. (Looks at clipboard) "Uncle Leo"?"

" "
 * "The Contest" can be summed up with two scenes: George's Intercourse With Himself confession and Kramer's, uh, "little moment". It should be no surprise it always ranks high on "funniest TV/Seinfeld episodes" lists.

""Oh yeah? Well I just had sex with your wife!"
 * Elaine dances.
 * The story behind Kramer saving a pinky toe.
 * "VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY! VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!"
 * "No, you're way, WAY off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an apartment!"
 * "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
 * "There was significant shrinkage"

"...his wife is in a coma.""

"Woman: I just can't be with someone if I don't respect their career.
 * "Believe it or not George isn't at home, please leave a mesaaaaage at the beep..."
 * The discussion on Pig-men.
 * This exchange between Jerry and one of his girlfriends:

Jerry: *incredulous* You're a cashier!"

"George: Movie!George, coffeeshop!George, liar!George...fancy!George!
 * George explaining the struggle between relationship George and independent George. Also, when Elaine gets in﻿ Jerry's apartment and George goes to her "You're killing Independent George!"

Jerry: I love that George!

George: Me too! And he's DYING, Jerry! If relationship!George walks through that door, he will KILL independent!George! A George divided amongst himself CANNOT STAND!"

"Kramer: Guess it was a hole-in-one, huh?"
 * Any scene with Larry David as George Steinbrenner, particularly when he and George were in the hottub.
 * Newman's mailtruck bursting into flames as he's driving down the highway.
 * George telling how he saved the whale. It got a golf ball stuck in its blowhole...one that had been hit by Kramer earlier in the episode.

"George: Do you want me to have sex with you? Because I will have sex with you, right now!"
 * The car breaking down in the mall. This was actually a Throw It In: the original ending was to have Jerry get lost in the parking lot. However, the actual car wouldn't start. If you look closely, you can see Jason Alexander howling with laughter.
 * In "The Boyfriend" Jerry deconstructing the time Keith Hernandez spit on Kramer and Newman in the manner of Kevin Costner in JFK.
 * "That is one magic loogie."
 * The restaurant scene in "The Lip Reader" guest-starring Marlee Matlin as Jerry's deaf lineswoman girlfriend.
 * "The Outing" is particularly memorable. How many other shows can milk humour out of a two-line phone?

"[a bomb-diffusing robot opens a drawer in George's desk, revealing a Playboy and some candy bars]
 * "THESE PRETZELS. ARE MAKING ME. THIRSTY!!!"
 * The Elaine.
 * George is at the end of a date that went well. He's just arrived at her apartment, and she invites him up for "coffee". He refuses, since coffee keeps him up. She leaves, presumably too embaressed to ask him more openly. About five seconds later, George catches on, and Jason Alexander gives us one of the funniest "Oh crap!" (but not Oh Crap) moments ever, which is proving remarkably hard to locate on YouTube.
 * Gotcha covered! And the first related vid is the aftermath.
 * Even though the episode "The Opera" was Darker and Edgier than the rest of the series, it did have George in his tuxedo, which made him look like a penguin.
 * Plus Jerry's softshoe rendition of the Bugs Bunny Show theme song.
 * From the episode "The Nap":

George Steinbrenner: "So... it's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?""

"George: I couldn't help but notice the guy in front of me got free bread.
 * The ultimate example of Seinfeld Is Unfunny:

Soup Nazi: You want free bread? No soup for you! (takes soup, while his assistant simultaneously hands the money back to George)"

"Mr. Peterman: "Elaine, I have a question for you. Is the item (expensive cake) still with you?"
 * The scene in "The Little Jerry" where George and Kramer, who haven't yet been privy to each other's storylines in the episode, both burst into Jerry's apartment ranting about their current problems. Then they look at each other in confusion, and turn to Jerry to explain. He just says "I'm too tired."
 * Also the ending where Kramer jumps in the ring and Jerry screams "Kramer!" Elaine screams "Stop the fight!" and George? He holds up a finger and screams "Tamale!" Also, Kramer getting pecked.
 * George is enjoying the view down a woman's loose shirt and her dad steps up behind him: "Get a good look, Costanza?"
 * Elaine's meltdown on the Subway. Notable for containing one of the rare Cluster F Bombs in Seinfeld.
 * Man hands.
 * The gang visiting the Holistic Healer. Also, George's line "I'm an eggplant!" (after his face turns purple from an allergic reaction) in the ambulance and the fight over the Red Chuckles candy.
 * The ending of "The Frogger":

Elaine: "Umm, as far as I know."

Mr. Peterman: "Do you know what happens to a butter-based frosting after six decades in a poorly-ventilated English basement?

Elaine: "Uhh, I guess I hadn't..."

Mr. Peterman: "Well, I have a feeling what you are about to go through is punishment enough.""

"Rebecca: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.
 * From "Muffin Stumps":

Elaine: Oh, hi.

Rebecca: Are you the ones leaving the muffin pieces behind our shelter?

Elaine: You been enjoying them?

Rebecca: They're just stumps.

Elaine: Well they're perfectly edible.

Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?

Mr. Lippman: No no, we just thought...

Rebecca: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're *lucky* to get the stumps!

Elaine: If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.

Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.

Elaine: Fine.

Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"

Elaine: We were just trying to help.

Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells?!

Elaine: (insulted) I think I might!"

"(As Kramer begins to leave, he notices an O'Henry wrapper in the garbage can)
 * From "The Bookstore" the homeless guy stealing the rickshaw. Also, Rebecca's line to George "You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't jump over this counter and punch you in the brain!" and threatening him with "Here I come..."
 * The old man had the best lines in the episode "The Old Man". "What the HELL is it?" "The agency what agency the CIA!" "I might drop dead today but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday!" "Oh before you go would you mind changing my diaper" *laughs*
 * From "The Caddy":

KRAMER (picking up the wrapper): Ohhhh, what's this?

JERRY: Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second… th-th-that--

KRAMER: Oh I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she?

JERRY: Kramer, it is not what you think.

KRAMER: Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.

JERRY: And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!

KRAMER: You're just out for sex!!

JERRY: You're just out for money!!

KRAMER and JERRY (together): Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh!!!!!!"

"George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
 * From the Note: The whole business of George getting a massage from a male masseuse. Also, "I think it moved."
 * Bookman the Library Cop. Jerry seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face for real.
 * "The Puffy Shirt". Jerry: "But I don't wanna be a pirate!" here.
 * "I said milky white!"
 * George's parents arguing.
 * George freaking out over anything that might wreck the perfect state of his hands because a woman said his hands are nice enough for him to be a hand model.
 * The sight of Jerry wearing the puffy shirt.
 * "He was not master of his domain."
 * And George's offhand remark that he won "a contest," which was actually the first time we learned who had won, after the actual contest episode ended with Jerry and George still in the running.
 * In "The Ticket" when Jerry and George agree to write the pilot for NBC, George complains that Ted Danson gets more money than him:

Jerry: He's somebody.

George: What about me?

Jerry: You're nobody.

George: Why him? Why not me?

Jerry: He's good, you're not.

George: I'm better than him.

Jerry: You're worse! Much, much worse."

"Elaine: Maybe there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
 * Anytime Jerry and Newman say "Hello, Newman" and "Hello, Jerry" respectively.
 * "The Kiss Hello." After a rant about how Jerry hates kissing, Kramer passionately kissed him.
 * Best part? It was never mentioned again.
 * No, the best part is that George walks in on it, stares, and then slowly backs out of the room and closes the door behind him.
 * An even better part is Jerry's wide-eyed reaction.
 * Jerry and Elaine discuss Newman in "The Big Salad"

Jerry: No there's less. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil."

"Jerry: Hi, Marla.
 * Elaine's nipple being exposed on her Christmas card in "The Pick". At her office everybody starts calling her "Nip." Newman's bored reaction to seeing the nipple and Jerry trying to reassure Elaine. "So what? It's a nipple! Here look see he's got them I got them...Everybody's got them!" Also, the woman watching Jerry scratching his nose and from her angle it looks like he's picking his nose and her disgusted reaction. Also, George and Jerry's discussing whether it was a pick or a scratch.
 * Elaine to George complaining that he didn't get a Christmas card: "You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card?" *grabs George's face and rubs it in her chest* "Here! Here's your Christmas card!"
 * In the Seinfeld episode "The Virgin":

Marla: Jerry.

Jerry: George, Marla

Georga: Marla.

Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.

Jerry: Stacey.

Stacey: Jerry.

Jerry: George, Stacey.

George: Stacey.

Stacey: George.

Jerry: (Hinting) George.

George: (Getting the hint to leave) Jerry. Marla... Stacey!"

"Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools!
 * Jerry dates a deaf woman, and George realizes she can read lips to find out why a recent girlfriend broke up with him. They carry out a whole conversation using various methods of hiding their lips from her, but she still follows them perfectly, and immediately agrees.
 * Kramer accuses Jerry of being an anti-dentite.

Jerry: They do have their own schools!"


 * "The Doorman": The entire conversation between George and his mom in the car.
 * The Bro. (a male version of a bra)
 * George and his mother walking in on Kramer putting the bro on George's father.
 * George riding a motorized stair-ascender to the tune of Sheena Easton's "Morning Train".
 * "My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
 * From "The Revenge": George pondering potential jobs.
 * Jerry giving the car rental agent the business.
 * Kramer and Jerry observe an artist's splenectomy and accidentally drop a Junior Mint from the viewing gallery into the patient's body. Their bewildered expressions as they watch this happen is priceless.
 * When Poppy deliberately pees on Jerry's sofa. "POPPY PEED ON MY SOFA!"
 * Poppy's a little sloppy.