Dan Vs./Funny

"Elise: Dan, land the helicopter and let the minor celebrity go!
 * "Look, Dan, I'm just as disgusted at Canada as the next person..."
 * As Dan points out that the Quebecians live in Canada rather than France, he comments how geographically confused they are after pointing to England and declaring that that's where France is.
 * The encounter with the yeti.
 * "Canada is like England and France had a baby out of wedlock."
 * Helicopter Hal in all of his Ted Baxter glory, but the best of it is this:

Helicopter Hal: Minor?!

Dan: You really didn't know did you?"

"Cop: "Oh wait, I'm a cop! Hey!!""
 * "Quick! To the Car-mobile!" Followed by Chris pulling a Dukes of Hazzard slide across the front of the car...and landing flat on his back.
 * Dan chases a kid dressed like a wookiee in "Dan Vs. the Wolfman", while Chris chases after Dan to stop him. They run past a middle-aged cop standing outside his car with a cup of coffee, about to pop a donut in his mouth. A few seconds pass, and suddenly...

"Dan: I'm General... Anastasia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
 * (After being accosted by a gang of children) "Can't live with 'em, can't hunt 'em for sport ... "
 * How Dan subdues a Salvation Armed Forces clerk:

Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you.

Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! (throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream) Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.

Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!"

"Dan: That guy knows 12 different ways to kill a man with a bell.
 * Also:

Chris: Wow. I only know... (makes a swinging motion) one."

"Chris: Museum food tastes like plastic.
 * From "Art":

Dan: Another reason why art must suffer."

"Woman: Hi Dan. I'm a supermodel, and I just moved in next door.
 * In "Dan Vs. Burgerphile", one of the cops thought Elise was Chris' nurse.
 * The way the cops handle Dan chaining himself to the cash register. They ask him politely to leave, he says no, and they say they've done all they can do.
 * The manager of Burgerphile wanted to avoid going back to Maryland, made funnier since this troper lives in Maryland.
 * "Hey does anyone else smell smoke and hot grease? Boy I sure hope those two don't" restaurant bursts into flames.
 * This amazing piece.

Dan: I DON'T CARE WHO THE IRS SENDS, I'M NOT PAYING TAXES!!!"

"Don: If there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house."
 * "I never joke about kidnapping."
 * Don (Elise's father) takes Thanksgiving dinner very seriously.

"Dan: If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, burn their house down!"
 * Dan's plan for getting back at Elise's family at the end of the ep;

"Dan: Pass the ketchup.
 * From Dan vs. New Mexico as they are eating a roadrunner Chris ran over.

Chris: We don't have any ketchup.

Dan makes an irritated face for 5 seconds then runs up and punts the bird (which at this point is their only source of food) as it is roasting over a campfire

Dan: USELESS!"

"Chris: So how do you plan to-
 * As Chris asks Dan about his revenge plot against New Mexico to break the awkward silence.

Dan: Hydrogen.

Chris: Hydrogen?

Dan: Shut up."

"Chris: Have I been poisoned?
 * "TEETH!"
 * The "conversation between Dan and Chris" that takes place at Burgerphile in Dan vs. the Animal Shelter.
 * Chris takes another one for the team;

Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?

Chris: Do you have more than one meatloaf?

Dan: Who has more than one meatloaf!?"

"Chris: Now Dan, let's not do anything rash-
 * Let us not forget The Hub Summer Promo featuring Dan, Megatron and Pinkie Pie!
 * And the two completely different Dan vs. Pinkie Pie commercials.
 * Dan managing to mess up his apartment again. In ten minutes. Just by sitting.
 * "Chris! That is not in the holiday spirit. Now come and help me annihilate Santa."
 * "We're NOT going to jail, Chris! Prison, maybe."
 * Actually, jail and prison are different things, with prison being the more serious of the two. So, technically, Dan is correct.
 * In "The Neighbors", Dan's strategy for dealing with cannibals; "Eat them before they eat me".
 * "The Bank" had a particularly hilarious opening.

Dan: I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!

Chris: Dan, that's disgusting. And impractical."

"Chris: (showing Dan a picture) Look at what he does to people.
 * Also, Dan attempting to steal a pen by putting it in his pocket and running off, not realizing it's attached to a chain.
 * The Take That directed at Deviant ART in "The Monster Under the Bed" which mentions an Eldritch Abomination known as Uggragoth of the Deviant Art.

Dan: (horrified) Why would you show that to me?!"

"Dan: Stupid monsters. They live under your bed, but they never chip in for the rent."
 * Chris would kill for bacon. Dan is rather surprised.
 * From the same episode, Mr. Mumbles in a ski mask.
 * This troper always gets a chuckle out of:

"Dan: If you're watching this...NOTIFY THE AUTHORITIES! I'M BEING HELD HERE AGAINST MY WILL!"
 * At the start of "Gym" he attempts to make his usual Skyward Scream ...but is too hurt to yell, so he softly says it it pain. The kicker is the fact that he keeps moaning once the title comes up.
 * "Who wants to know where I've been?
 * From the same episode, Dan's ultimate revenge on the dinosaur at the very end:
 * In The Telemarketer, Dan finally writes Elise on the list then sees her beat a man up and thinking better of it erases her name off quickly.
 * This line from Reality Television after Dan was tricked to appear on The Bachelor spinoff.
 * Dan sitting comfortably on a chair on a reality tv show.


 * This gem from The Barber "Becky, get my killing scissors!"