House (TV series)/Funny

"House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
 * This gem from "Autopsy"

Cuddy: Are you high?

House: It's Tuesday, I'm wasted.

Cuddy: It's Wednesday."

"House: You're mad that I put a bullet in the guy's head. Worst case scenario, all I'm going to do is take it out."
 * The House episode Euphoria, pt. 1 contains an interesting scene where House performs an MRI scan on a cadaver he shot in the face with a .38 bullet, just to see if he can safely perform such a scan on a patient with their own bullet fragments. The look on everyone's faces when they realize House has blown up the corpse's skull and ruined the MRI machine -- just before said ruined machine shorts out the lighting -- had this troper howling with laughter.
 * Even better, earlier in the same episode, just after shooting said cadaver, another doctor walks in on House and sees him with the gun (having heard a loud noise) and the corpse, upon which House says, "I shot him. He's dead." Absolutely brilliant.
 * Best part is house's lines during the MRI scene. After Cuddy barges in and yells at him first for shooting the corpse and using it for this "test"

"House: Oops, my bad."
 * After the bullet flies out and breaks the machine:

"Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dead.
 * And then later in the episode, when the patient begins bleeding from his bullet wounds, . Everyone is shocked. He then says, "What? Nobody else finds this funny?" Yes, Foreman, I think it's funny. That whole episode has a lot of Black Comedy going on for certain viewers...
 * Part 2, while mostly relatively sombre and generally depressing, tossed in a gem or two. Example:

House: Yes, I make it look oh so sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as it seems."

"House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me.
 * The beginning of Love Hurts is also worth a mention. House, Wilson, and a random patient are sitting in the exam room watching a baseball game while a bunch of people wait outside. Then the patient and Wilson start teasing House about his love life: "She's making you do her?!"
 * Made even better when House leaves the exam room and Wilson and the patient can be heard singing "House and Cameron, sitting in a tree." House's response? "Grow up. And learn to harmonize."
 * Mark walks in on House and Stacy washing dishes. House says "It's not what it looks like. I know it looks like we're washing dishes but we're actually having sex!"
 * The end of Safe: After being subjected to an uncommonly high amount of House's Jerkass-ness over the course of the episode, Wilson delivers much deserved revenge by filing halfway through House's cane, causing him to collapse in the middle of the hallway. Indirect violence against cripples has never been so hilarious. Even House smiles, which happens very rarely.
 * Although judging by Wilson's expression and tone, he didn't do it for a lark. He seems genuinely cross with House, suggesting that he filed the cane to give House a taste of his own medicine, knowing full well that House would hurt himself a little falling down like that.
 * The episode in Season 4 with the patient who mimics the person he thinks is in charge, and House and Cuddy's competition to have him copy them.
 * In 'Cane and Able' there is this exchange between House and Foreman as regards a high def. television:

Foreman: Let me ring up one of the homies."

"House: You blowdry your hair?
 * Also his continuing assertion throughout the episode that Cuddy is pregnant because her breasts are firmer.
 * Until recently in "The Greater Good" when Cuddy -- pushed to the breaking point after House's inability to let anyone else even attempt to do her job drags her back from maternity leave with her newly adopted daughter -- seeks revenge by posting a maintenance worker to hang Out of Order signs on all of the elevators whenever he sees House coming, setting a tripwire at the door to his office, and stealing his cane.
 * Special mention to House falling over the tripwire -- twangggg -- and his expression afterwards.
 * House's metaphor for why a sudden onset of symptoms points to an acute condition: "You come home one night, your wife whacks you with a baseball bat. Likely cause -- the fact you haven't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for furry handcuffs she found in your pants?"
 * Cuddy screaming "This. Is BEYOND ASSHOOD!" at House in 'Both Sides Now'
 * Several exchanges between House and Wilson in the episode when Wilson moves in with his bff, "Clueless":

Wilson: Sorry, did I wake you up?

House: You blowdry your hair?"


 * Followed by...

"Wilson: Enjoying the salad?

House: There's no lettuce.

Wilson: I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge? When I made it. For myself!

House: How was I supposed to know?

Wilson: Well, I was hoping [shows a post-it note on the cover saying MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!] this might tip you off..."

"Cameron: Flames?
 * There are also moments that are funny just by virtue of being utterly cool. For example, when House has to replace his cane, and does, this troper always says the same thing in the scene introducing the new cane: "Bitchin' Flame Cane!"
 * The best part of that was Cameron and House's exchange over it:

House: Makes me look like I'm going fast."

"House: (looking up the patient's nose) Perfect! I've never seen such finely groomed nose hairs.
 * House's diagnosis of many clinic patients also qualifies as hilarious. In particular, one patient in "One Day, One Room" stands out:

Patient: Good grooming is important.

House: (looks at his rumpled clothes) Was that a shot?

Patient: We're judged on how we look. For example, I noticed that your clothes are wrinkled and you haven't shaved in a few days. It says something about you.

House: Do you use toenail clippers to trim your nose hairs?

Patient: Regular trimmers aren't long enough.

House: Well, I haven't ironed my shirt in weeks and I haven't shaved since the weekend. You have athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged."

"Patient: I can't remove my contacts and they are irritating my eyes.
 * This clinic patient was pretty funny, too.

House: That's because you're not wearing contacts. You're trying to remove your cornea."

"House: I want my old carpet back.
 * From "Resignation," Wilson's infamous "I'm on SPEEEEED!!!"
 * From Lines in the Sand: "YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!!!"
 * In the same episode:

Cuddy: It was stained with blood.

House: Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it."

"House: There you are! Were you scared? Don't worry, you're home now. *gulp*"
 * ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
 * And House quoting Boggart's monologue at the end of Casablanca to "break up" with the girl, complete with her looking confused when he says she belongs with Victor (Lazlo).
 * "This is why I created nurses. CLEAN UP ON AISLE THREE!"
 * This troper was in hysterics near the beginning of "Cursed" when House talked to a stray Vicodin pill before swallowing it.

"Wilson: Where did you get those keys?
 * In one episode, Foreman insults Chase during the differential, so House tells Chase to take a break to figure out a comeback. Chase stays silent for the rest of the session and at the end, pipes up with "Hey, Foreman. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up." And the other doctors' faces, which range from disgust to pity, just make it.
 * Not to mention the "gangsta" hand gestures Chase attempts as he does it.
 * From "Ugly":

House: Blue the janitor.

Wilson: What?!

House: That's his name.

Wilson: His name is *Lou*!

House: I owe him an apology."

"Taub: What about bondage?
 * The Spanish dub used Baloo. This troper had seen the original version, and laughed even more when he saw that.
 * House calls the janitor "Blue" again three seasons later and is again corrected, this time by Cuddy, in "Fall From Grace".
 * This exchange from "It's a Wonderful Lie" where the team are trying to figure out where the bruises on a patient came from:

House: I tried it once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it was being the dean of medicine."

"House: 4,300 saved e-mails and not a single mention of "lesbionic, " "sanchez," or "man-gina.""
 * And later in that same episode, where House made a quick reference to his Fry and Laurie days while searching through the patients e-mails:

"House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg". I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
 * House's introductory monologue to the clinic patients in "Occam's Razor":

Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.

House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will. (to Cuddy) That is true, isn't it? (turning back to the crowd) But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?"

"House: (waving a laser pointer around Kutner's legs) Oh my gosh, the death cat is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
 * In "Joy", House starts a betting pool about when Cuddy will back down from the adoption. Kutner bets on 7-14 days. House writes "KUTNER" on the board. Kutner says "It'd be better if I had a pseudonym". House's reply? "SKUTNER" He then proceeds to bet in the <7 days category as "Jones".
 * "House Divided": Fight the Power!
 * The best part is that he's doing this because the voices in his head told him to.
 * Hell, every other scene in that episode qualifies, especially anything related to Chase's bachelor party.
 * Oh sweet Jesus, yes. Especially the line about Wilson trying to walk home drunk... with no pants... from his own apartment.
 * This exchange from "Here Kitty"...

Kutner: Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there.

House: Oh my gosh, the death laser is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!"

"Wilson: [after House walks in the room dripping wet] ...House? I know it's raining out there in the hallway...
 * House's "endorsement" speech for one of Vogler's products in season 1 doubles as a Crowning Moment of Funny and Crowning Moment of Awesome.
 * The Noodle Incident with the duck.
 * We're gonna cure death?
 * Season 6's Wilson episode has a couple too:
 * Wilson being woken up by House to the tune of George Michael's "Faith".
 * The Mexican crooner who was hallucinating that God was ripping open his stomach, and babbling about how he would soon singing in God's mariachi band.
 * "It wasn't the tennis!"
 * "He has cancer. You know how I know? He has an oncologist for a doctor."
 * This exchange:
 * This exchange:

House: [starts to explain why he's wet but gives up] Anyways, your patient has cancer. [pause, he points to a chart on Wilson's desk] Not that guy. Although he probably also has cancer."

"Wilson: You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?
 * The POTW from The Social Contract definitely qualifies. He was afflicted with not being able to control the impulses to say what was on his mind. Which led to much hilarity when he was confronted with Thirteen and Cuddy and could not stop talking about how much he wanted to see them get it on, covered in fudge and cherries. He kept having to apologize after every sentence, and this troper could not stop cracking up.
 * From a S1 episode:

House: Yeah. And you're the good guy.

Wilson: At least I try.

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Wilson: We can release a single."

"Eddie: (the patient's partner) I know what you're doing. You drugged me to make me think I'm sick so I'll lead you to the stash!
 * All of Season 6's "The Down Low".
 * One of the overarching side plots involves House and Wilson's new neighbor, Nora, who thinks the two are lovers. House decides to screw with Wilson (wait, bad choice of words) by acting the part of a Transparent Closet, then decides to keep up the façade in order to gain Nora's trust, become "girlfriends" with her, then reveal his "relationship problems" with Wilson, get her drunk, and sleep with her, which will cause a "revelation" about how he's never felt this way about a woman before. Wilson's attempt to tell her this only makes Nora think Wilson is jealous of the amount of time House is spending with her. Finally, right when House is about to spring the trap, Wilson interrupts their dinner and loudly declares his love for House, ending with a marriage proposal. This leads to House calling Nora into his office to explain the truth (including the fact that this all started because Wilson wanted to go out with her), citing his motivation for pretending to be gay as "I want to touch your boobs", then after initially telling her that Wilson was a good person, she says she might go out with him after all and he backpedals into a listing of his bad traits and straight into his customary Eureka Moment, leaving a very bewildered Nora alone in House's office.
 * Another plot involved a joke that Chase, Thirteen, and Taub had played on Foreman, making him think that they had higher salaries than he did. Foreman claims that he's quitting after this case because there's no use in sticking around, leading the team to go to Cuddy and offer to take a pay cut in order to facilitate giving him a raise, at which point she reveals that she hasn't talked to Foreman in 3 days and has no idea what they're talking about -- it turns out he was turning the tables on them.
 * Then there was the main plot, involving a drug dealer that went down in a gun fight despite the shooter missing and hitting himself in the foot. When the dealer tries to walk out of the room after House has finished stitching him up, House whacks the bed with his cane, making a loud noise and instantly dropping the dealer. House suspects an environmental cause, so he bugs the dealer's room, and gets a lot of interference. Also, in trying to find the answers that the patient wouldn't give...

Thirteen: Do you feel sick?

Eddie: I don't feel sick; I feel drugged! Trust me, I know the difference!"

"HouseIt doesn't respond to manual stimuli. Maybe if you took off your top...
 * And, of course, the intersection of the main plot and the sub-plot. Early in the episode, House is talking with Eddie, trying to find out what it is they deal in. Eddie claims that they work in "textiles", leading to an extended metaphor. House asks if they deal in "hosiery, with an h", and Eddie replies that they work more with "culottes". House is not exactly sure what culottes are, so he has to ask if that starts with a "c" or a "k". Shortly afterward, Wilson interrupts and tells House that he had tried to ask their new neighbor out and she danced away from it because she thought the two of them were gay. After the traditional insults, House asks, "What are 'culottes', anyway?"--and Wilson immediately gives the answer, which doesn't exactly scream "straight".
 * Thirteen is fiddling with the receiver for the bug House set up

Thirteen I resorted to something a little more exotic. It's called reading the instructions. Turns out if you plug the wires into the wrong sockets it doesn't actually work."

"Kutner: Okay, so if you were being burned at the stake, and someone handed you a gun, what would you do?
 * After Chase gets a haircut House says
 * A lot of House's clinic people are One Scene Wonders, but the best is the one House identifies as a prostitute based on her necklace, where he offers to (and follows through with) writing her pimp a note. She returns with marks around her neck and he correctly identifies that she's in a donkey show. Despite this, he's almost flirting with her the entire time and she concludes the visit by telling him to drop by sometime.
 * . . . made even more hilarious by the reveal when House does stop bu
 * House discovering Wilson's Old Shame porno video: "Be not afraid. The forest nymphs taught me how to please a woman." I died laughing.
 * Basically any time Taub goes into snark mode. For instance when he's debating suicide with Kutner, Taub believing it's never right and Kutner believing it can be:

Taub: I'd shoot the people holding the torches."

"Taub: She hallucinated a black hole. We should look for a tumor in her anus."
 * Another great Taub moment: When House stole his phone and sent dirty texts to his wife, poor Taub is desperately jumping for the phone House is holding up high out of his reach.
 * Made even funnier by the completely bored, expressionless way Foreman takes the phone off House and gives it back to Taub, ruining House's fun, and just continues talking about the case like nothing happened.
 * Same episode two more gems from Taub.
 * Same episode two more gems from Taub.

"and"

"Thirteen We should check the liver.

Taub And then her pinkie toe. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were just randomly naming body parts that have nothing to do with her symptoms."

"Chase: I'm not that good looking.
 * The speed dating scene: House: 'I'm a diagnostician' the woman stares blankly 'I find out what's wrong with people and fix it' 'Don't all doctors do that?'
 * And then Chase's American accent "I like videogames."
 * From the same episode:

House: Yeah, you are.

Wilson: You kinda are."

"House: Seriously?!
 * From later in that episode, when Chase is complaining about women only valuing him for his looks, Thirteen deadpans "Then date men. They're not shallow at all."
 * Also, House to Chase 'God, you're pretty.' after Chase correctly deduces something in a Houseian manner.
 * After House asks 'everyone who has not slept together' to leave the room, Taub remains behind. He looks at Thirteen and deadpans: 'Oh. Right. That was supposed to be our little secret. Sorry.'
 * House: "This needs some womanly persuasion." Thirteen rolls her eyes and is about to walk into the patient's room, when House says "I said womanly!" and looks at Chase.
 * Season 3, Wilson tricking House into believing he slept with Cuddy.

Wilson: No.

House: You're a jerk.

Wilson: Night, House.

House: Night, Wilson."

"Man: Well, am "I" okay? Is it diabetes?
 * House revealing he knows the clinic patient 3x19 brought in someone else's urine.

House: No. (smiling) You're pregnant."

"Wilson: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both scare me."
 * Taub and Foreman getting high off Vicodin in "Lockdown." It Makes Sense in Context.
 * The look on Taub's face when Thirteen flashed him.
 * From 'Black Hole' House: Foreman, does anything excite you? Everyone, including Foreman: 'No.'
 * The DVDs of Season 3 contain in their bonus materials a re-take of a scene called "The Angry Valley Girl Version" of an argument between Dr. Cameron and Dr. Cuddy. Hilarity does indeed ensue.
 * In Season 6's "The Choice". Chase singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" with House and Foreman singing backup. And dancing.
 * Amber Vs House in the S2 episode "No More Mr Nice Guy".

"Cuddy: This is the part where you play the employee and I play the boss.
 * A little scene illustrating the House/Cuddy powerplay/relationship:

House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.

Student 1: No wonder she hates him.

Student 2: That's not hate. It's foreplay."

"I have a position open on my penis. (Beat) Wait, I think I did it wrong."
 * House tries to hit on an attractive female doctor. He offers her a job.

"House [to Foreman, Cameron and Chase] What were you doing all night?
 * These:

Cameron [deadpan] Jello shots and wild sex, what else?"

"House It will be more cost efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase...well I'll grab his ass too."

"Foreman I think your argument is specious.

House I think your tie is ugly."

"Wilson: In some cultures it’s considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Then again, ‘friend’ in Swedish can also be translated as ‘limping twerp.’ *House’s pager goes off* Did your pager really just go off are you ditching the conversation?

House Why can’t both be true?”"

"House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?
 * In the season 3 finale "Human Error":

[Camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the table, who slams down the file she's holding and looks annoyed]

Cameron: I'm in the room!"

"House is listening to "Slippery When Wet" by The Commodores whilst air-guitaring on his flaming cane and singing along."
 * Another gem from "Human Error":

"[Foreman and Cameron walk in, House switches off the music]"

"Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?

House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.

Foreman: Did you fire him for me?

House: Would you stay if I did?

Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?

Foreman: No!

House: Yes.

Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog?

House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?"

"[Cuddy walks in]"

"Cuddy: Why'd you fire Chase?

House: Do you know what's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: You two out. [Foreman and Cameron exit]

House: Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan?

Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.

House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. If only this country had figured out a way to somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans."

"[Wilson bursts in]"

"Wilson What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?

House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?

Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?

House: So that's a no?

Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him."

"[House calls Chase]"

"House: Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back.

Wilson: Cut the crap.

Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor.

House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.

Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people."

"[The phone rings]"

"House: Hold that reprimand. House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? *beat* Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [hangs up] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]"

"Wilson: On the other hand, there’s the ‘do unto others’ thingy.
 * House's impersonations of his ducklings
 * Bisexadrine, Cuckoldasol and Worldssorestkneesasil. That is all.
 * Can't believe we've made it this far without Taub's "Um, I would like to buy some cocaine please."
 * Not to mention: "So I'm in the clinic, drunk! I reach into the drawer, close my eyes, grab the first syringe I can find...!"
 * And also "Cameron, I love you." [Her mouth drops open. House takes swab] "Test results will be back Thursday."

House Well then I should definitely tell him. I’d want to know.

Wilson You want to know everything. There’s also the keeping your promises thingy.

House Oh you never run out of thingies. Like that blonde thingy you were chatting up.

Wilson She’s the hospital accountant! We were going over billing procedures!

House DOUBLE ENTRY BOOKKEEPING!!"

"House: You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

Wilson Even I don’t like you.

House Hey, words can hurt!"

"Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life

House: I’d hate it. That’s why I very cleverly have no personal life."

"House: HEY WILSON! I'm gonna go cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?
 * "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia? Noomania?”
 * Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
 * House to Wilson: "My ringtone for you is Dancing Queen by ABBA"
 * And nearly every other moment of "Birthmarks".
 * . . . especially "STILL not boring!"

Wilson: Good times."

"Foreman Uh, hello! Guy dying!
 * In "Knight Fall" House refers to Taub as Gollum.
 * Chase trying to ram a door down and winding up in groaning heap on the floor that Thirteen proceeds to merrily skip over, holding the key.
 * House: "Idiopathic. It means we're idiots because we can't figure this out."
 * This:

House: Foreman, she's not wearing any underwear! You used to be fun."

"Taub What about tularemia?
 * And this:

Kutner No, there'd have to be rabbits.

Taub (looking at a cage full of rabbits) True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white fluffy alligators here."

"KutnerThe shortest distance between here and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex. All we have to do is access it.
 * And also this:

Taub I'll build the giant submarine, and you go get the minaturization gizmo."

"Kutner: I love you.
 * A S5 episode with the editor who cannot censor what he says, saying whatever it is that is on his mind. While the dramatic consequences are explored through his blunt words to his wife and daughter, it is hilarious. When he is doing the MRI, he describes how he'd like to screw Thirteen. He apologizes profusely. And House calls Cuddy into the room, whereby he graphically describes his sexual fantasies, something involving cherries and whipped cream. Cuddy leaves, House follows, and although she acts annoyed, as the lift door closes on House, she can't help but smile either.
 * In "Frozen", when House is trying to get an answer out of the team.

House: WRONG!"

"Wilson: One... singular sensation... every little step she takes...
 * In Season 7, anything to do with Wilson and House and Cuddy's relationship, from House finding Wilson trying to crawl into his apartment through his window (and getting stuck!), to when they finally all talk and straighten things out.(House: "I think you straightened out my limp!")
 * In Season Six's eleventh episode, "The Down-Low", House has bought a sofa for the apartment Wilson and he share while masquerading as a couple.

House: I will punch you in the face.

Wilson: I'll stop if you get rid of the sofa.

House: (pause) No chance.

Wilson: Badadadada..."

"Cameron: You really never did any drugs?
 * In the episode "Epic Fail" Taub and Thirteen are playing a virtual reality game. We're watching them discuss the patient while in the video game. When Taub's character is attacked by Goddamn Bats said character falls to the ground slapping at the bats on it's back. Cut to Taub outside of the video game, in the same position, as Thirteen walks away.
 * In the episode Poison:

Foreman: Now this is gonna be a racial thing.

Cameron: Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does that?

Foreman: Yeah, I’m just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part.

Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You’ve already got the matching gym shoes."

""I guess for the next two weeks I'd better practice safe sex.""
 * Same episode, an 82-year-old woman is told that the syphilis she contracted in 1939 has recurred, and treatment is a two-week course of penicillin.

"House: I need the drugs.
 * And how can we forget this moment from The Down Low?

Patient's Boss: We're in textiles.

House:"

"House: [to a kindergarten girl, with the absolute creepiest look on his face] Do you have hair on your special place?"
 * Some of the diagnoses are funny in their own right. Take "Needle in a Haystack", where the patient during a makeout session with his girlfriend.
 * In "Sleeping Dogs Lie", House's clinic patient is a woman who only speaks Chinese, accompanied by her Chinese-American daughter who wants birth control pills and tries to claim that the mother is the one who needs them. House diagnoses her with "Stupid American Child" (along with a cold), and gives her prescriptions for both cold medication and the birth control pills. Later, the woman returns, complaining of enlarged breasts. House is dumbfounded at the girl's stupidity for mixing up the prescriptions, and the girl explains to her mother in Mandarin that House prescribed the wrong medication, which he fixes...and then tells the woman in perfect Mandarin, "Congratulations! You're going to be a grandmother!"
 * Season 7's "Selfish" had a centenarian clinic patient who lives with his octogenarian son, whom House immediately dismissed as having "natural causes". Later, the son bribes House to give a diagnosis that would result in the father having to be sent to a nursing home; a bit of negotiation results in the amount being $30. Later still, the father gives House a $100 bribe to diagnose him with something that would require him being put in a nursing home, as he was just as tired of living with his son as the son was of living with him.
 * On top of all that, after initially planning to acquiesce to this, House spots something at the last moment that explains the symptoms, and gives an honest diagnosis instead, saying that there was no need for the father to go to a nursing home. However, he alerts them to each other's wishes by overtly refunding the $130 he'd received in bribe money.
 * House subverting Foreman's authority by playing charades with his team in "The Tyrant."
 * When two elementary school children are prematurely going through puberty, House goes to their school to see if anyone else has it.

"House: You manipulative bitch. You invoked the name of your dead girlfriend to play me? You're my hero."
 * "You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!"
 * "I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all up in my jock."
 * Made even funnier since he actually had.
 * House and Wilson's prank wars are legendary, and it's hard to pick a winning prank. That being said? "Wow, looks like someone filed halfway through your cane. Huh."
 * "Saviors". House has just figured out Wilson has been screwing with him the entire episode:

"Foreman: He slept with three women at that wedding.
 * Larger Than Life. Decorating Taub's poster into a Hitler. Knocking Cuddy's mother out with sedatives. And knocking Wilson out with sedatives. That episode was a Crowning Episode Of Funny.
 * Especially Cuddy's delivery: "You sedated my MOTHER!?
 * After House drugs Cuddy's mom, "Well, leaving aside the fact that House's a sociopath..."
 * From "Carrot or Stick", when Chase gets his Facebook account hacked into and a... manipulated photo gets posted. He tries to figure out who posted the photo.

Masters: You're a whore!"

"Chase: My password was password.
 * And later, when Chase tries to find out how his account was hacked.

Masters: You're a dumb whore!"

"House: Alright, I'm going to need to take a sample.
 * Cuddy: "Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
 * Another bit of clinic duty, when House is talking to a woman who is experiencing vaginal irritation because she "recently switched to the jelly."

Patient: Oh, good, I have some right here. (reaching into her bag to take it out)

House: No, not of the jelly, of the infec-

Patient: It's strawberry!"

"Patient: There's something wrong with my brain...?
 * And then in the same scene...

House: Beat Oh yeah."

"Foreman: [To Taub] I hate you."
 * The last five minutes of "Let Them Eat Cake." Explaining it just ruins the joke.
 * Episode 20 of season 6, The Choice. House's male patient has started lactating for unknown reasons. While in the midst of a differentiation, House takes a sample of the patient's milk the team had collected and pours it into his coffee. Cue collective reactions of abject horror from the team as prepares to take a drink.
 * House imitating Pulp Fiction in "Two Stories".
 * And being called it on by a fifth grader.
 * Also, "Who put sand in her vagina?"
 * From "Recession". House: (to Cuddy) "Heh. My head's on your vagina."
 * And the Ho Yay banter between Foreman and Taub, including being compared to Bert and Ernie (Taub's Ernie) and Taub giving them both food poisoning, leading to a shot of their pants around their feet as they're on the toilet... and then House walks in to continue their conversation, Chase and Masters in tow.

"Taub: Here's my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. (dons a completely flat expression) Now the saddest day of his life. (does the same thing)"
 * Taub and Foreman have had a lot of great moments over the years, especially since they're both so deadpan and mopey all the time, as lampshaded by Taub:

"Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
 * From "Out of the Chute":

House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?

Masters: Slept with. Since you've been here.

House: All but one. She did my taxes."

"House: I'm just trying to get you out of here because underneath this sheet, stuff is going on."
 * Also:

"Carnell: Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.
 * And:

House: (indicating Wilson) After he and I have sex, I'm going to slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub."

"House: I don't sleep with married women."
 * "Fall From Grace": House drives up to the hospital in a monster truck and starts talking like a Pirate. Also, after :

"Potato Gun: *WHOOMPF*
 * "I'm haloooocinating..."
 * One of the first things Thirteen does  is to knee a man in the groin as House stares in shock. Made funnier because it's Damon Lindelof.
 * Complete with a brilliant deadpan Jehovah's Witnesses reference.
 * When Thirteen helps House with his potato gun, but especially:

Thirteen: Aaah! *Gets blown onto her back*"

"Wilson: Next week, ferrets?"
 * In Season 7, House and Wilson

"Wilson: (via the mic in the MRI) HOUSE. THIS IS GOD.
 * This exchange from "Skin Deep", with House inside the MRI machine:

House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?

Wilson: LET ME CHECK... OHH, I GOT A PLAGUE. WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY?

House: (grinning) You'll have to check with Cameron.

Wilson: OH, DAMMIT. SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO KNOW WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN. LIKE I'M GONNA COME UP WITH A NEW ANSWER THIS TIME.

(Cuddy enters)

Cuddy: House...

House: Great God, smite the evil witch!

Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?!

House: God, why have you forsaken me?"

"House: What makes a guy start drooling? (pause) Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?"
 * One of House's clinic patients demonstrates that it hurts everywhere he touches. Cut straight to Cuddy asking a nurse "Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?"
 * The first episode of season four is chock-a-block with funny moments, ranging from Wilson stealing House's guitar to House running a differential diagnosis with a janitor.
 * Also, in "Spin", season 2:

"Wilson: House, you're right. Why not? Why not date you? It's brilliant. We've known each other for years. We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other. And we keep coming back. We're a couple.

House: Are we still speaking metaphorically?"

"Cuddy: Why is the doctor's lounge covered in mud?

'''Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was all out of Jello."

"Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
 * "Bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy!" *all the new ducklings look toward Foreman, who shrugs and says:* "It's how I got hired."
 * *After Cameron, Chase and Foreman have left House's team*

Foreman: Don't know.

Cameron: Don't have to know.

Chase: Don't... care?"

"Cuddy: Why didn't you let him in?
 * "Have you ever heard of the National Man Dead Boy Love Association?"
 * The scene where the new Cottages dig up a grave in season 4 and the subsequent conversation.
 * Thirteen and House talking about the spud gun competition in 'The Dig'. It ends with Thirteen saying that they'll go for hang time and length over accuracy, and asking where the fertiliser is.
 * Much of the Ho Yay between House and Wilson is as heartwarming as it is hilarious. Like, in the season 7 premiere "Now What", House and Cuddy had just finished having sex, leading to this exchange.

House: You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool, so was I!"

"Wilson: What are you doing?
 * From season 6, "Private Lives":

House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking."

"House: (to Wilson) I really gotta get you laid. If I have to plough that furrow myself, so be it."
 * Season 8's 'Better Half' gives us this gem.

"House: Must you always suspect me of something?
 * When House spikes Wilson's coffee with amphetamines, Wilson almost doesn't take the bait simply because House bought him a cup of coffee and this clues him in that something funny is going on.

Wilson: It's either that, or I accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I would have to accept the horsemen. And the reign of fire. And the end of days."

"Wilson: Who knows what else he has; parasites? Bacterial infection?
 * The punchline, of course, is that Wilson falls for it anyway, by taking House's cup of coffee... and House switched them beforehand.
 * "Hunting". House vs. the Rat, and this bit with Wilson:

House: The kid doesn't have parasites.

Wilson: Not the kid, the rat!

House: Was he still sweating?

Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails.

House: Not the rat, the dad!"

": Who says I'm here to convince you to live?"
 * Dr. Adams pushing a wheelchair holding a sex doll in "We Need the Eggs"
 * Dr. Park on LSD in "Love is Blind."
 * The "Spring Break" photos of Wilson passed out on House's couch at the end of "The C Word." Also a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
 * "Everybody Dies", the series finale, is primarily very dark, but had its lighter moments.

"Text message from :"
 * Near the end of the episode, Wilson is when he's interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He irritably asks whoever's phone is ringing to get it, only to find that the ringing is coming from his own pocket. He mutters that he could've sworn he'd shut that off...wait, this isn't his phone!

"(Regarding Thirteen): ...especially since you're such a pleasure to imagine naked.
 * And then the series ends with House and Wilson riding off on motorcycles, while the background music tells us to enjoy life while we still can. Something about the Mood Whiplash of this final scene (happy after a largely depressing episode), and the levity of the music playing, is just inexplicably amusing.
 * Episode 5x17 has a patient with Frontal Lobe Disinhibition, which causes him to say whatever pops into his mind. His reactions to Thirteen and Cuddy are hilarity incarnate, especially given that they're delivered by The Shield's straight man, Kenneth Johnson.

(Cuddy enters): Whoa, I would do her in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top! Would someone please explain to this woman, there are only so many apologies I...

I've already embarrassed myself with one doctor, whom I am at this moment imagining with you on a king sized bed with a mirror on the ceiling I am so, so sorry. But if I couldn't have both of you together, [Cuddy] would definitely be my first choice."