Part Right, Half Wrong, a Third Crazy

"The lamp, by the way, is a terrible conversationalist and should never be taken seriously. No matter how convincing its gentle coaxing into getting stoned is, or how logical that coaxing might sound. Fuck a lamp's logic. They don't know shit about logic. Never listen to a lamp. Ever."

Part Right, Half Wrong, a Third Crazy is an Axis Powers Hetalia fanfic written by one Save the Rave of Fanfiction.Net, set in an AU which features Matthew Williams as a clinically depressed nobody in Manhattan living an obscure life well below the poverty line, Alfred F Jones as an arrogant socialite lawyer with a drug problem, and the rest of the Hetalia cast as various associates of theirs.

The fic starts out with Mattie meeting Alfred in the supermarket he works at. To begin with, Mattie hates Al, who is very obviously infatuated with him. Then he passes out at work, and Alfred is the only person there to catch him... leading to a rather complicated hate-friendship-love relationship in the midst of Mattie's mental problems, arguments with a lamp, anti-capitalist graffiti, lawsuits, cocaine addiction, making out in a lake, attempted murder, and... other things. And we're still only halfway there, so god only knows what else she'll come up with.

This fic is perhaps most notable for being able to be both heart-wrenching and hilarious, often on the same page and occasionally in the same sentence, as well as being written by the biggest Deadpan Snarker on the internet. Believe us, it shows.

It can be read here.


 * Above the Influence: Alfred towards a very drunk and somewhat stoned Matt.
 * Abusive Parents: Matthew, physically and sexually abused by his alcoholic stepfather in the backstory.
 * Author Appeal: The various music and literature references.
 * Aw, Look -- They Really Do Love Each Other: For all their fighting, Matt and Al get plenty of these moments. Alred's older brother Arthur gets one as well, part way through, when he takes an almost-hysterical Al off to England after Matt catches him doing coke.
 * Bad Boss: Mattie's is a homophobic douchebag, and he and Matthias quit just so that they don't end up punching him.
 * Benevolent Boss: Roderich, on the other hand, was quite the sweetheart.
 * Belligerent Sexual Tension: Matt and Alfred, of course.
 * As well as Gilbert and Roderich.
 * Beta Couple: Arthur and Morgan, Gilbert and Roderich.
 * Big Applesauce
 * Bi the Way: Most characters.
 * Black Comedy: Often.
 * Blind Without'Em: Mattie
 * Camp Gay: Sheldon
 * Canada, Eh?: Matthew, Frederick.
 * Character Filibuster: Matthew's rant on how hipsters stole everything from the punks has a little bit of this, and occasionally slightly more meaningful/political ones as well, though never for too long.
 * Chick Magnet: Both Alfred and Matthew, the latter is also a Dude Magnet.
 * Cloudcuckoolander: One really has to wonder about some of the things Mattie thinks about. How a lamp managed to convince him to get stoned, for one thing. Gilbert, too: "May or may not be wearing a cape right now and only my boxers. Hint: I am."
 * Cluster F-Bomb: A good portian of the narrative. There's a reason the warning says language at least 6 times
 * Sir Swearsalot: Matthew
 * Companion Cube: Matt's lamp. Even if it is a terrible conversationalist, it provides him with sometimes-helpful and usually-sarcastic advice throughout the fic, because "sometimes he just needed to talk to someone who didn't have the emotional baggage of being a living, breathing human being."
 * Cute Shotaro Boy: Peter
 * Dark and Troubled Past: Matt.
 * Deadpan Snarker: Matt, as well as the writer herself.
 * Defrosting Ice Queen: Matt
 * Drinking Contest: Matt V Frederick to get the approval of Alfred's friends. Matt wins. Hard. And even has victory shots to celebrate.
 * Drugs Are Bad: Until about chapter 27, someone BADLY needed to tell Alfred this.
 * Dude Looks Like a Lady: Mattie, apparantly.
 * Everybody Must Get Stoned: Okay, Alfred is the only one who does any hard drugs, but pretty much everyone except Arthur (who lost his first wife to an overdose) and Peter (who is only six) smokes weed.
 * Everybody Smokes
 * Evilly Affable: Pavel. The guy's a drug dealer, tries to kill Mattie, and has a creepy obsession with Alfred, but he's so damn polite about it.
 * Friends with Benefits: Matt and Gilbert, pre-Alfred, until Matt found out that Gilbert was still in love with him.
 * Funny Background Event: The girls who work in Starbucks (the AU equivilents of Vietnam and Hungary) taking pictures of the sleeping Al and Matt, and generally being yaoi fangirls.
 * Fun Size: Gilbert is apparantly very short, as are Sheldon and Gupta.
 * Genki Girl: Amelia
 * Going Cold Turkey: Poor, poor Alfred...
 * If It's You It's Okay: Alfred is straight, except for Matthew.
 * Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Matthias, arguably Matthew, Arthur.
 * Keet: Gilbert
 * Kindhearted Cat Lover: Alfred
 * Mean Brit: Arthur
 * Nietzsche Wannabe: Matthew in earlier chapters. Would someone with severe depression usually be that philosophical?
 * No Medication for Me: Matt absolutley hates anti-depressants due to the side effects ("Doesn't that shit fuck up your liver? Do. Not. Want."), even though he eventually admits he needed them. Also in Alfred's backstory, when his father put him on Prozac and Ritalin "to avoid having to actually lift a finger and help", and Al basically says "fuck it" the moment he moves out.
 * Perky Goth: Gilbert is maybe more punk than goth, but otherwise he fits this. Strange, prone to wearing black, and has the most fun of anyone in this fic by far.
 * Really Gets Around: Alfred, Mattie back in highschool, probably Gilbert.
 * Running Gag: Matthew's various ideas on how to kill himself. Go figure.
 * Also, the Lamp.
 * Schedule Slip: As the author is busy with college, the last update was in August, whereas they're usuall pretty regular.
 * The Shrink: Mc Knight, Mattie's totally badass therapist and surrogate father.
 * The Snark Knight: Mattie, Arthur is a mild example.
 * The Stoner: Gilbert, Matthias.
 * Erudite Stoner: Lars
 * Subtext: The author tends to make often snarky and ocasionally politically motivated asides in brackets. Example, "He was the DA for Manhattan, and that meant people didn't fuck with him, because then they were fucking with American Justice (see- corrupt and falling apart).
 * Team Mom: Jade, Vanessa.
 * Tradesnark: EPIC, LIFE-ALTERING JOURNEY®
 * Troubled but Cute: Both Alfred and Mattie, though the latter is closer to Broken Bird on his bad days.
 * Unlucky Childhood Friend: Gilbert to Mattie.
 * Unresolved Sexual Tension: Practically binding the pages for a few chapters, until Alfred goes AWOL. When he gets back, well, to quote the fans: "Finally they DO something!"
 * World of Snark: Are you really surprised?