Star Trek: Deep Space Nine/Funny

"Sisko: All right Niners, let's hear some chatter!
 * The episode "Take Me Out To The Holosuite" gets its kicks in this category. O'Brien making Scotch-flavored chewing gum and Odo practicing his umpire-manship are classic in their own rights, but Worf's lines throughout are comedy gold.

Niners: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Swing batter!

Worf: DEATH TO THE OPPOSITION!!"

"O'Brien: He didn't touch home, Nog!

Nog: Well, what do I do?

Worf: Find him and KILL him!!"

"Sisko: You can't tell me that ball was over the plate. What were you doing, regenerating?!"
 * Extra Fridge Brilliance on multiple levels: Worf was raised in a human family and knows all sorts of human games (he played soccer as a kid). He's indulging in some cultural irony assuming that no one will pick up on it and find his remarks out of place (After all, only his Enterprise-D crewmates know about the Rozhenko soccer tradition.) The extra Fridge Brilliance is that he accidentally crippled an opponent while playing soccer. Bringing the chant full circle back into a legitimately intimidating remark!
 * Actually Worf didn't cripple his opponent, he accidentally killed him, which makes this comment rather more disturbing.
 * Possibly the earliest moment in the episode: Sisko announces just what game their "clash of the Titans" is going to be. Kira looks up at him with an expression that screams "I hate you," "My commanding officer is a twelve-year-old boy," "I want a transfer," and "I am going to get you for this," all without saying a single word. Poor woman.
 * My vote for the funniest moment of the episode was when Worf and Sisko argue with umpire Odo over the called third strike on Worf.

"Brota: Are you the son of Mogh?
 * Kira walks past Odo's office. He's practicing his umpire moves. She does a double take at the sight.
 * Speaking of Odo, the look on his face when he ejects Solok from the game for touching the umpire.
 * There's also the wardroom meeting where they're going over rules and terms. Uh, guys, isn't there a war on?
 * Though it's a major Downer Ending episode, "Children of Time" has one of the funniest Worf moments in Star Trek:

Worf: Yes.

Brota: Is it true you can kill someone just by looking at them?

Worf: (a beat) Only when I am angry."

"Bashir: "You know, no one ever met my great-grandfather. This could be a predestination paradox! Come on, chief, surely you took elementary temporal mechanics at the Academy? I may be destined to fall in love with that woman and become my own... great-grandfather."
 * Does the word "tribble" appear in an episode's title? If so, prepare to laugh long and hard.
 * This Troper puts it as the Deep Space Nine Tribble Episode, and one speech by Bashir (and response by O'Brien):

O'Brien gives Bashir a disbelieving look that could melt glass

Bashir: "Come on, chief, you can't just dismiss this!"

O'Brien: "I can try."

Bashir: "All right, but I can't wait to see the look on your face when we get back to Deep Space Nine and you find out I never existed!""

""Where did you get that... thing?""
 * Heh, you forgot when Kira asks them if they're ready for beam-out. O'Brien's reply: "Are we ever!"
 * O'Brien almost manages to keep a straight face as they are beamed out.
 * When Worf, Odo, Bashir and O'Brien are in the bar and see Scotty, Chekov, and Freeman enter, they confuse Freeman (from behind) for Kirk. Freeman was played by Paul Baxley, William Shatner's stunt double.
 * Worf and the angry tribble. Enough said.

"Odo: Did you tell them?
 * And of course Odo: "Oh, another glorious chapter in Klingon history. Tell me, do they still sing songs of 'The Great Tribble Hunt?'"
 * Sisko tries to contact the Defiant by tapping his chest... then remembers that this is the 23rd century, and there's nothing there but cloth. He has to actually pull out his communicator, flip it open, and repeat his hail.
 * It's the look on Dax's face that really sells that moment.
 * There's also the pair of Department of Temporal Investigations agents, who play the "humorless government investigator" stereotype to the hilt.
 * And their names are Dulmer and Lucsly. Guess what these are anagrams for.
 * And the ending, where tribbles have overrun the Promenade, with Quark leaning against the bar, surrounded by tribbles and one on his head.

Sisko: They didn't ask. I'm open to suggestions, people.

Dax: We could build another station."

"Dax (upon spotting Kirk and Spock): He's so much more handsome in person. Those eyes!
 * The Trouble With Tribbles made Kirk the butt of most of the jokes. Trials and Tribble-ations, while being respectful, piled on just a little bit more.

Sisko: Kirk had quite the reputation as a ladies' man.

Dax: Not him. Spock."

"Scene shows O'Brien and Bashir hanging by the arms over hot rocks.
 * Later, we find out that those stray tribbles that keep falling on Kirk's head are, in-universe, being tossed by Sisko and Dax.
 * For a while during that episode Jadzia was struggling to figure out where she knew the name McCoy from, turns out she actually met him when she judged a gymnastics competition as Emony at Ole Miss, she wasn't surprised to see he was a doctor then; remembering fondly that he had the hands of a surgeon.
 * From the episode "You Are Cordially Invited" when the crew of Deep Space Nine have agreed to join Worf's Klingon bucks party, which is like a human bucks party, minus the fun and with added pain.

Bashir: Miles...it's working. I've had a vision, about the future. I can see it so clearly.

O'Brien: What is it?

Bashir: I'm gonna kill Worf. I'm gonna kill Worf. That's what I'm gonna do. I can see it clearly now, I'm going to kill... him..."

"O'Brien Exactly! See, you understand! Now why can't she see that? Why can't she be more like y- [trails off and pretends to be busy looking at the console]
 * As part of the Klingon marriage tradition Sisko, O'Brien, and Bashir are required to assault the newlyweds immediately after they tie the knot. After the ordeal they've been through, O'Brien and Bashir are... enthusiastic about this.
 * "Jerusalem"!! And the following conversation "I hated you when we first met! And now...I..." "And now..." "And now, I...don't."
 * And of course, the scene in "Extreme Measures" when Julian is trying to convince Miles that he loves him more than Keiko. "Julian, you are beginning to annoy me!"
 * How could we forget in "Hippocratic Oath"?

Bashir More like...?

O'Brien Um...er... more like - more like a man!

Bashir [with a look that just screams 'oh yeah, brilliant save there'] So... you wish Keiko was a man?

O'Brien I wish I was on this trip with someone else, that's what I wish!"

"Cardassian defense lawyer: What happened?
 * "I HATE Ferengi", "You idiot!" and the look on Sisko's face when Quark and Rom accidently pop out of the hatch in his office.
 * Basically any dialogue involving the Cardassian justice system.
 * The ending dialogue of the episode in which O'Brien gets tried for being an enemy combatant by the Cardassians:

Odo: You won.

Cardassian: ...They'll kill me..."

"Legate Damar: It is my duty to inform you that you will be turned over to a Cardassian tribunal, where you will be tried as war criminals.
 * Weyoun threatening to turn Worf and Dax over to Damar if they do not respond to interrogation:

Ezri Dax: War criminals? What are the charges?

Legate Damar: That is not necessary for you to know. All you need to know is that you will be found guilty and executed."

"Odo (reading a note in Quark's disruptor pistol box): "Dear Quark, Used parts from your disruptor to fix the replicators. Will return them soon. Rom."
 * "I just shared a bottle of kanar...with, Damar! Hehehe, that rhymes!"
 * Goodbye, Major Kira!
 * In "Move Along Home," the look on Kira's face when she's forced to play hopscotch while singing a nursery rhyme to proceed through the maze.
 * Speaking of the hopscotch scene, Avery Brooks has a lovely singing voice.
 * "You're going to hit them with a box?"
 * Following from the above moment, Quark thinks he's got an ace in the hole when he gets out his disruptor prior to a Klingon attack on the station. However...

Quark: I will kill him!''

Odo: With what?"

"Sisko: Worf, you've been paroled. You can go now."
 * "In the Cards," just in general. "The entire future of the galaxy may depend on us tracking down Willie Mays...and stopping him."
 * My favorite scene in that episode was during the lackluster party where Worf is revealed to be staring intently at some wall art.

"Anastasia (who looks like Kira): I never thought I'd see you alive again after you fell out of that dirigible over Iceland!
 * Everything about "Our Man Bashir" (before it gets dramatic), especially if you're a James Bond fan. This troper's favorites are Bashir knocking out a man with a champagne cork and making a gun out of parts of his shoe.
 * And of course, the always classic:

Bashir: I had a parachute... and there was a submarine waiting for me."

"Quark: You're not exactly the most lovable person in the galaxy. You're not even the most lovable person in this sector. Or on the station. Or even in this room."
 * The episode where Quark manipulates Deep Space Nine's systems to broadcast his advert: "Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun!". Major Kira threatens that if they aren't removed by the time she gets back from their next mission, "I will come to Quark's. And I will have fun."
 * "His Way": One of the stranger first kisses in TV history.
 * Same episode- Quark clearly enjoying himself baiting poor lovesick Odo:

"O'Brien: [breaking character] Hi, Odo!"
 * How about the scene where Odo interrupts Julian's spy holonovel to ask him for advice? The conversation distracts Julian enough that O'Brien (as a villain) shows up on the other side of Julian's car and points a gun at him.

"Rom: What about Kozak's family? What if they come here for revenge?
 * Most of the episode "The House of Quark", which could earn a position on this list for concept alone (Quark becomes head of a Klingon Great House) but it doubles up with some HILARIOUS dialogue:

Quark: If that happens, I'll stand up, look them straight in the eye...and offer them a bribe.

---

Gowron: The charge has been made! You are accused of using... money... to bring down a Great House!

---

Quark: I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of... whatever."

"Damar: The execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Fourteen hundred hours.
 * Damar's case of the giggles after Worf catches Weyoun off-guard and snaps his neck. This doesn't slow Weyoun down much, but he's miffed that Damar "finds the death of my predecessor so amusing."

Weyoun: Have they agreed to co-operate?

Damar: No. [Beat] Maybe you should go talk to Worf again!"

"Quark: To this end... my blade soars... through the... aquarium... of my soul... seeking the... kelp of discontent which must be severed so that the rocky bottom of lies waiting, with fertile... sand for the coming seed of Grilka's affection.
 * This. Just this. Julian and Garak's first scene, in which Garak acts like a creeper and scares the living daylights out of Julian.
 * Not to mention this: "I want you to take that rod and eat it!"
 * I for one love the look on Sisko's face and his little 'Oh' in "Extreme Measures" when Bashir and O'Brien inform him that they have obtained certain information through the use of illegal Romulan memory probes. You can just see him thinking, "This is going to be one of those plans."
 * Dukat's hilariously awkward team-up with the main characters in "Civil Defense" when he screws up and can't beam out of the station-- after he'd beamed in specifically to gloat at them for not being able to fix the problem. Basically anything Dukat does in that episode, from his epic snarkbattle with Garak to his ordering tea from the replicator that's shooting at everybody.
 * How can we have come this far without mentioning Dukat getting a cactus spine in his ass and Kira having to pull it out?
 * Worf gets his tooth sharpener stolen in the episode "Bar Association." While he's ranting that nothing like this ever happened on the Enterprise, Odo just grins and begins to read off a long, long list of similar incidents. You know he's just been waiting for the chance to do this.
 * Hilariously, the PADD with this list is just laying on top of his desk, and he doesn't actually press any buttons when he picks it up--he probably took it out any time he had to meet with Worf, waiting eagerly for the chance to use it.
 * Quark's "impassioned" speech to Grilka in "Looking for par'Mach in All the Wrong Places" makes me laugh so hard I'm crying every time I see it. Desperately stalling for time so that Dax can fix the mechanism Worf's using to control Quark's bat'leth, he invents the Ferengi Rite of Proclamation so that he can make a speech. (The "bats of love" thing is the best, in my opinion).

[pauses; goes slower and more sincerely this time]

Quark: And yet... does this explain my need for her? No. It is like... a giant cave of emptiness... waiting... for the bats of love to hang by--

[Worf gets the machine fixed; back to the fighting]"

"Q (on his ass on the floor): You hit me! Picard never hit me!"
 * Also: "War! What is it good for? If you ask me, absolutely nothing."
 * Although also a Crowning Moment of Awesome, it was also hysterically funny: Q shows up for the first (and only) time on Deep Space 9. And Sisko promptly sucker-punches him.

Sisko: I'm not Picard."

"Quark (to Worf): Did you hear? Keiko's having a baby!
 * In the episode "Accession":

Worf (alarmed): ...Now?!"

"O'Brien: No, seven months from now.
 * Remember the time in TNG where Worf had to deliver a baby? Keiko's baby? He does.
 * It goes on and gets even funnier:

Worf: Seven months... Unfortunately, I will be away from the station at that time... far away. Visiting my parents... On Earth. Excuse me."

"Garak: I've locked him in his quarters. I've also left him with the distinct impression that if he attempts to force the door open, it may explode.
 * One in the middle of the otherwise very dark episode "In the Pale Moonlight":

Sisko: I hope that's just an impression.

Garak: It's best not to dwell on such minutiae."

"Ezri: You like that, don't you?
 * Nog and Jake are scurrying around the station trying to get a baseball card for captain Sisko. Weyoun is wondering what the hell is going on and abducts them to interrogate them. After their first story falls flat (that they were trying to get Sisko a baseball card), they tell this hugely over the top story about how the guy in the card is in fact a time traveler. Weyoun says that he believes them. Nog, in utter disbelief, asks "You do?" (Weyoun believes their first story and sends them on their way).
 * Sisko's reaction to Ezri telling him that he intimidates Worf.

Sisko [trying not to laugh and failing]: Of course not.

Ezri: Come on. I've been a man, I know."

"O'Brien: Just think. If this pans out, you'll be able to annoy hundreds of people you've never even met!"
 * During the final party the O'Briens are discussing where to live when they move back to Earth. Various hometown suggestions are made. Worf keeps offering Minsk. Rule of Three applies and is used well.
 * After Bashir learns he's being considered as the model for a new medical hologram:

"Dax: I can't believe you did that!
 * O'Brien has to work with a female Cardassian engineer who really gets on his nerves, and he responds in kind. Then he learns this is how Cardassians flirt. And for extra Hilarious in Hindsight, she's played by Tracy Scoggins, later to join DS9's ratings nemesis Babylon 5.
 * The subversion of Spotting the Thread when Keiko starts to suspect a security video has been tampered with, as it shows O'Brien drinking coffee in the afternoon, which he never does. Then after she's proven right and everything's wrapped up, O'Brien asks how she knew. After Keiko tells him, he confusedly replies that he always drinks coffee in the afternoon.
 * Worf's first meeting with Kira and Dax, who had been up in the holosuite in a medieval fantasy program and in costume, complete with oversized headwear.

Kira: He didn't leave me any choice!

Bashir: Wait, wait, wait. What did she do?

Dax: She knocked out Lancelot.

Kira: He kissed me!

Dax: He was SUPPOSED to kiss you!

Kira: But I was playing a married woman!

Bashir: Lieutenant Commander Worf, this is Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax and Major Kira Nerys, our first officer.

Worf: (Beat) Nice Hat."

"Leeta: I hate him.
 * In the episode "Ferengi Love Songs" Kira gets to play Commander Contrarian when Leeta is trying to convince herself she did the right thing by calling off her upcoming wedding to Rom (doubles as Crowning Moment of Heartwarming as well):

Kira: No, you don't.

Leeta: All he loves is latinum.

Kira: No, he doesn't.

Leeta: Cancelling that wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Kira: No, it isn't.

Leeta: I am so glad, he's out of my life.

Kira: No, you're not.

Leeta: Major, you haven't been listening to me.

Kira: Yes, I have.""

"Ross: It still stings.
 * Martok is inducted into the Order of Kahless with Sisko and Admiral Ross in attendance of the ceremony. It begins, as most Klingon ceremonies do, with bloodletting. Sisko and Ross watch Gowron then Martok slice their palms open, and Sisko says to Ross that they're next. It takes a moment to sink in for Ross, and when it does, the look on his face is priceless.
 * Cut to later, and their hands are now bandaged.

Sisko: That's what the bloodwine's for."

"Quark: Someone's extracted all the latinum! There's nothing here but worthless gold!
 * Often overlooked as a "O'Brien must suffer" episode, "Treachery, Faith, and the Great River", Sisko orders O'Brien to repair the Defiant in an impossible amount of time. To procure a part that the chief won't be able to get in time using the normal channels, Nog uses O'Brien's access code to pull off a string of horse trades worthy of Corporal Klinger. Of course many of these trades are borderline illegal, and as the episode goes on, it seems increasingly likely that O'Brien will be court-martialed, demoted, and possibly murdered by Martok.
 * Almost the entirety of "Fascination."
 * Odo attempting to stir a souffle in the beginning of "Equilibrium." Plus the beets conversation.
 * In "Blood Oath", after taking one good look at the still-drunken Kor and calling him out on said drunkenness, Koloth, who came to Odo demanding that Kor be freed, looks at Odo and shouts "KEEP HIM!" Kor just waves goodbye and goes back to sleep. Odo rolls his eyes and sighs long-sufferingly.
 * In "In The Cards" Nog postulates that perhaps the "soulless minions of orthodoxy" kidnapped Dr. Geiger, and Odo's reaction to it. Odo didn't hear Dr. Geiger's speech about said soulless minions, so he doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on.
 * "Who Mourns for Morn?". All of it, but especially the classic line:

Odo: [savoring the Schadenfreude] And it's all yours.

Quark: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"