Men in Black/Funny

Men in Black
"Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.
 * The interrogation of Frank.
 * This oh so loving exchange between Edgar and his wife...

(then a UFO crash-lands into said truck)

Edgar: (rushes outside to survey the mess) Figures."

""Something funny, Edwards?"
 * In the recruitment sequence:

"My boy Captain America over here! Best of the best of the best, sir. With honors. Obviously, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.""

"Kay: Have a look at this, please...(triggers neuralizer)
 * "No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home." My favorite line in the entire movie.
 * Tommy Lee Jones happily driving the car upside down and singing along with the Elvis song. He pays the toll without missing a beat.
 * After K interrogates Jeebs in the pawnshop, he threatens him with even more bodily harm and leaves. Edwards can only say "Yeah, and, and... I'ma be back to talk about them Rolexes."
 * "Edwards. Would you care to explain why you felt Little Tiffany deserved to die?"
 * Agent K's eagerness to use the neuralizer gets on J's nerves...

Jay: (barely able to shield his eyes with his glasses) Would you stop that?!

Kay: What?

Jay: That thing is gonna give that poor woman brain cancer or something!

Kay: Never hurt her before...(he leaves, Jay in tow)

Jay: "Never hurt her before"? Kay, how many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?

Kay: A couple.

Jay: So you're not worried about any long-term damage?

Kay: A little.

Jay: Kay, have you ever flashy-thinged me?

Kay: No.

Jay: I ain't playin', Kay! Have you ever flashy-thinged me before?!

Kay: No."

"Kay: I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
 * Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming in the 3rd film when you find out that
 * Identifying the Bug:

Jay: Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said..."

"Kay: (to Jay, looking at an alien woman in labour) And you, uh, deal with this!
 * The alien childbirth scene. Jay is getting pummelled all over the car and screaming in the background, and Kay is just chatting calmly with Reggie. It's harder to pay attention to the foreground event, but it's pretty important. The start is particuarly hilarious.

(Kay dodges off to talk with Reg)"

"Kay: (pats Reggie on the back) Congratulations Reg, it's a...squid."
 * Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.

"Kay: Did anything about that seem weird to you?
 * And when it's over:

(Jay just stares at him, still covered in sticky squid-juice)

Kay: What would scare Reg so much that he would risk a warp-jump with a newborn?"

"Jay: I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!"
 * Agent J receiving the Noisy Cricket.

""Return the Galaxy to us or Earth will be destroyed. Sorry""
 * The scene in the first movie where Jay accidentally releases the alien super ball that caused the 1977 New York blackout in MIB HQ.
 * I found the message that threatens to destroy the Earth if the Galaxy isn't returned to be funny. Not the message itself, but more of how they end it.

Men in Black II
"J: (smiling) You're back.
 * From the second film, K shoots Jeebs's head off.

K: No.

J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back?

K: (disappointed) It grows back?"

"Kay: Does that come standard?
 * The Michael Jackson cameo. "I could be Agent M!"
 * Jay's and Kay's exchange on the inflatable "auto-pilot" of their vehicle.

Jay: Actually it came with a black dude but he kept getting pulled over."

"Jay: Wait, what are you doing?
 * The infamous scene at the start of the second film where Serleena devours a man whole, if sheerly for how unexpected it was that it would actually show.
 * What really sells the scene is how mannequin-ish Serleena is while letting the rapist drag her into the bushes, barely registering any sort of expression. Then she comes hobbling out with the deadweight, like she was white trash or something...
 * The mind wiped Kay follows in Jay's footsteps from the first film and is utterly bewildered by MIB HQ. Much like Jay, he curiously pokes at a small floating sphere. While Jay poked a super bouncy ball of chaos, Kay happens to have stumbled upon a tiny planet. Presumably they're okay, though.
 * Don't forget the larger Bottle City in the locker, which has evolved to the level of adult entertainment.
 * Jay telling Kay why he can't drive the new car:

Kay: I always do the driving.

Jay: Oh, no...

Kay: I remember that.

Jay: No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted junker. See, I drive the new hotness.

[Jay points at Kay]

Jay: Old and busted.

[Points at himself]

Jay: New hotness.

[Beat, then Jay grudgingly hands over the keys]

Jay: (Grumbling under his breath) Old, busted hotness..."


 * After J defeats Jarra, he finds himself in a pile of plastic tubes... which he awkwardly tries to flop out of as the launch timer is counting down.

Men in Black III
"Jay: I'm looking for Kay. Have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman. He smiles like this.
 * From the trailer for the third film:

(Puts on the most serious face he can)"

"J: AND JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE A BLACK MAN DRIVING A NICE CAR, DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS STOLEN!
 * In the third film, Agent J drops a very sly Chappelle's Show reference into 1969.
 * In the third film, most every scene with Griffin, since being able to continuously see several dozen possible futures makes him a Cloudcuckoolander, is funny, awesome, or both. Especially his Brick Joke at the end of the film, "that was a close one".
 * Agent O's eulogy at Zed's funeral, where she proceeds to paraphrase something an alien said about him... in the same language of the original quote.
 * When J first meets young K.
 * When J, filled with righteous anger, neuralises a pair of racist cops:

(Beat)

J: ...Well, I stole this one. BUT NOT BECAUSE I'M BLACK."

"J: Kay!!! (Moves to hug him)
 * When the camera cuts to the assembled agents, everyone is looking somber, or even touched... except J, whose reaction is confusion-induced hilarity.

K: (Promptly tasers J)"

"O: *dissapointed* Damnit, it's not the tick...
 * After time has been altered, J is back in MIB HQ and asks O about what's been happening. O says that there are two possibilities about it, the first being a long winded explanation about a dangerous alien tick that could kill J...and then promptly slaps J hard.

J: *annoyed, rubbing his cheek* Damnit it's not the tick!?"

"Chief: "What's he still doing here?"
 * "Mommy, the President is drinking my chocolate milk!"
 * The "Viagrans", who have developed a "revolutionary new pill".
 * Agent W. No, Andy Warhol wasn't an alien spy, but he was on the job against those who were!
 * That entire scene. "I'm photographing a man eating a hamburger...now the pickle."
 * When J convinced young K not to neuralyse him, they wind up having to hide it from the chief on the way out:

K: "I might have cooked him too long, I'm taking him out for a little air."

J: (playing along) "I put muh pants on...!""

Men In Black: The Series
"Possessed Zed: Well, did we lose him?
 * The episode "The Bad Seed" where Jay is accidentally injected with a truth serum.

Jay: (trying to keep his mouth shut, unsuccessfully. Runs out of the closet) No you didn't lose me! I'm right here! And the worms are in there!

(the worms run away screaming)

Kay: You didn't leak out any classified information while you were out in public, did you?

Jay: Who me? Nah. Yo, the truth serum wore off!

Kay and Elle: Jay!"


 * "The Elle of My Dreams Syndrome" episode where Kay acts like an incompetent partner in Jay's dream world.