George Carlin/Funny

""First, get a taxi cab, hand the driver fifty dollars through the window, and tell him, "Go to the airport and wait for me there." Then, as soon as he drives off, get a second cab immediately, hand that driver fifty dollars, and tell him, "Follow that cab, and under no circumstances allow it to get to the airport!" Then, when he drives off, get a third cab. Get inside this one, hand the driver fifty dollars and say, "Follow those two cabs." When you're about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, "HI-YO, SILVER!" a lot.""
 * This suggestion in his book Brain Droppings for an interesting activity to try when you're bored.

""Ratshit, batshit, dirty old twat!
 * His rant about stuff. And where you take YOUR STUFF and leave YOUR STUFF.
 * His "cheer":

Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!

Hoorayyy... Lizardshit... Fuck!""

""'Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!' ...I don't know what that means, either.""
 * Followed by his immediate deconstruction of the cheer.

"Think for a moment about the concept of the flamethrower. Okay? The flamethrower. Because we have them. Well, we don't have them, the army has them. That's right. We don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we're fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn't you? But we have flamethrowers. And what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, "Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I'm way to far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them." Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend. His friend who was good with tools. And about a month later, he was back. "Hey, quite a concept!" WHHOOOOOOOOSSHHH! And of course the army heard about it, and they came around. "We'd like to buy about five hundred-thousand of them please. We have some people we'd like to throw flame on. Give us five hundred thousand and paint them dark brown. We don't want anyone to see them.""
 * From Carlin on Campus:

""Have you ever noticed when you're driving that anyone going slower than you is an idiot? And anyone going faster than you is a MANIAC! It's a miracle we get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are!""
 * Also from Carlin on Campus:

""There's nobody going my speed! If there is, I slow the fuck down, and keep an eye on that motherfucker!""
 * Then:

"How about a moment of screaming? These people are dead, you know, AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How about a moment of muffled conversation, for those who were treated and released?"
 * Again from Carlin on Campus, the meditation on the moment of silence.

"Carlin: (pretending to be on the phone) You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!"
 * Discussing how people pretty up their words with unneeded additions, such as "emergency situation" ("everything is a situation!") and the use of the prefix "pre-", culminating with "You know what I say to these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about."
 * "Have you ever thought about the world's worst doctor? Process of elimination, somewhere out there is the world's worst doctor. And someone has an appointment with him tomorrow!"
 * In It's Bad For Ya, his impatience with people who can't stop talking.

"Carlin: Folks, here's something else I got a problem with: the Ten Commandments. Here's my problem. Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's a padded list. Here's what they did. About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people. How to keep 'em in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments. Up on a mountain, when NO ONE was around... God had given them the Ten Commandments. But let me ask you this: When they were sitting around making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why: 'cause ten sounds official. Ten sounds important. They knew if it was eleven, people wouldn't take it seriously. Say "What, are you kidding me? The Eleven Commandments?! Get the fuck out of here." But ten... ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system. It's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number. The top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed. So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision. And, to me, it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I'm gonna show you how you could reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. We're going to start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version 'cause those are the ones I was taught as a little boy. "I am the Lord, thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me, thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain, thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath." Right off the bat, the first three - pure bullshit. Sabbath... Sabbath day, Lord's name, strange gods. Spooky language. SPOOKY LANGUAGE! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human beings in the 21st Century. You throw out the first three commandments, wssst! You're down to seven. Next, honor thy father and mother. Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic, they should be earned. They should be based on the parents' performance. Parents' performance. All right? Some parents deserve respect, most of them don't. Period. You're down to six. Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're gonna jump around the list a little bit. Thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not bear false witness. Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. Dishonesty, stealing and lying. So you don't need two of them. Instead, you combine them and you call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." And suddenly, you're down to five. And as long as we're combining, I have two others that belong together. Thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Once again, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior. In this case, marital infidelity. The difference is coveting takes place in the mind, and I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife. Otherwise, what's a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But... but marital fidelity is a good idea, so we're gonna keep the idea and call this one "Thou shalt not be unfaithful". And suddenly, we're down to four. But when you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value. So, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative, and call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful", and we're down to three. Thou shalt... thou shalt... they're going away. They're going away fast. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods. This one is just plain fucking stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going. Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful", you wanna get one, too! Coveting creates jobs, leave it alone. You throw out coveting, you're down to two now. The big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't talked about yet, "Thou shalt not kill". Murder. The fifth commandment. But when you think about it... When you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do... sure. Uh huh. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folk take "Thou shalt not kill". The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It's negotiable. You know? It depends. It depends. It depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed. So with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie... and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone. Unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to."
 * Carlin's reducing the Ten Commandments to the Two Commandments in Complaints and Greivances.

"Carlin: (on the word cocksucker) The meaning has changed. It's now 'YOU COCKSUCKER!' It's a bad man. It's a good woman! What happened?!"
 * From his Seven Words performance: