Fawlty Towers/Funny

""Right! That's it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!""
 * The famous scene from Gourmet Night when Basil's car breaks down and he starts screaming hysterically at it before running off-screen... only to return to hit it with an uprooted tree repeatedly.

"Major: Japanese, was it?
 * The Major talking to Manuel, thinking he's the moose head. "How ah yoo, suh? I can speek Eenglish! I leehrn it from a booook."

Basil: ...Canadian I think, Major.

Major: Good God, I didn't know Canadians were as clever as that!

Basil: He's started early..."

"Basil Fawlty: That is Torquay, ma'am.
 * From "Communication Problems", when the disgruntled guest hits her head, and Basil proceeds to pick up a random dust speck and asks, "Is this a piece of your brain?"
 * That joke nearly didn't make it in, were it not for the efforts of Andrew "Manuel" Sachs.
 * And the joke preceding it, where Basil makes Mrs. Richards believe her hearing aid is turned down too low... And then screams in her ear once she turns it up.
 * The line that comes after "Is this a piece of your brain?", in which Basil tells Mrs. Richards that if she gives him any more trouble he'll sneak into her room in the small hours of the morning and stick a bat up her nightdress.
 * "Look, I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor and I want my sausages!"
 * "Yes, you did, you invaded Poland!", and "Wait! Wait! I'll do the funny walk!"

Mrs. Richards: That is not good enough.

Basil Fawlty: Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...

Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly, I expected to see the sea.

Basil Fawlty: You can see the sea: it's over there between the land and the sky!"

"Sybill: If I find out the money on that horse was yours you know what I'll do Basil.
 * "No, the radio works. You don't."
 * "This is MINE!" (cue maniacal laughter)

Basil: You'll have to sew 'em back on first!"

"O'Reilly: If the Good Lord--
 * The charade scene: Polly guessing 'small' when Basil pointed at his crotch and 'tart' when he pointed at Sybil.

Basil: ...is mentioned once more I shall move you closer to him!"

"Basil: You have rats in Spain, don't you, or did Franco have them all shot?"
 * "I know nothing..."
 * I'm going to sell you to a vivisectionist!
 * "Oh, I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation, now please please try to understand before one of us dies."
 * "Would you care for a rat?"
 * From the same episode, Basil finding out that Manuel has a rat.

"Polly: Mr. Fawlty, please put the bottle down.
 * "We're about to take the life of a public health inspector and you want to know how's the cat?! It's gone to London to see the Queen!"
 * "YOU PUT BASIL IN THE RATATOUILLE!?!"
 * Even better is Sybil's reaction, to simply assure the inspector that "He's from Barcelona..."
 * Even better, this is the only time in the series that Sybil says the line. You can tell from the audience's reaction that they'd been waiting a while for it.
 * "I'm afraid it's started to rain again..." She says as Manuel drags the unconscious Basil from the room...

Basil: What is it?

Polly: Please put the bottle down!

Basil: What is it?!

Polly: Kurt is drunk!

-Basil promptly drops the bottle-"

"Doctor: Are you telling me you didn't realise this man was dead?

Basil: Well what was I supposed to think? I mean people don't talk that much in the morning! I was just delivering a tray! I mean, if the guest isn't up and singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" am I supposed to immediately think 'oh, there's another one snuffed it in the night?! Another name in the Fawlty Towers book of rememberance! I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway! It does actually say hotel outside, or perhaps I should be more specific! Hotel for people with a better than 50% chance of making it through the night! What?! What are you all looking at me like that for!

Sybill: Basil... you've got a kipper sticking out of your jumper.

Basil: Oh there it is! I've been looking for that!"

"Mrs. Tibbs: "You're awfully cheerful this morning!
 * And of course, the "Oh joy! Oh thank you God! Oh, I'm so happy! Hooray!" part.
 * "Oh spiffing. Absolutely spiffing. Two dead, twenty five to go."
 * "Have you locked this?" "Only slightly!"

Basil: Yes, well, one of the guests has just died."

"Leeman's work colleague: "What's he doing in there (the washing basket)?"

Basil, oblivious: "Well, not much.""

"Basil, post-realization: "Oh! Oh... Mr. Leeman!"

Polly: "We thought you said, 'the linen!'""

"Guest: These chips are the wrong shape!

Basil: Well what shape would you like hmm? Mickey Mouse shape? Smartie shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke-in-the-eye shape!"

"Guest: Is the room airy?

Basil: There's air in it."

"Mrs. Peignoir: Ah, Mr. Fawlty, I shall sleep au natural tonight.
 * The entire 'batteries' scene.
 * "I know what people like you get up to and I think it's disGUSting."
 * *Basil pokes head into office* "They're going!" Sybill: "What?" "They're going!" *runs off*
 * In the same vein *Basil bursts into the room shouting: "That's the poison one, the cat had it!" Sybill *as Basil is leaving without paying any attention to her:* "Poison? Basil-?"
 * Basil's considerable discomfort with the French woman trying to seduce him.

Basil: ...uh, good idea.

Mrs. Peignoir: But it is not so much fun on your own...

Basil: Oh, well, one can always pretend..."

"The Major: No, no, no, I said. niggers are the West Indians. These people are WOGS!"
 * The psychiatrist walks past Basil, who is rolling about on the ground with the immortal line "I'm on holiday..."
 * Practically any scene with The Major is hilarious, but he has one line that's so jaw-droppingly offensive, and delivered with such panache you can't help but die laughing:

"Basil: Is no fire! Is only bell!
 * The fire drill from "The Germans" -- while suffering from a severe case of Funny Aneurysm Moment after the real-life hotel burned to the ground -- is still one of the best scenes in the series. It starts with Basil setting off the burglar alarm while getting the key to the fire alarm, thus forcing everyone to believe the drill has begun; this leads to a debate over the time the drill is supposed to be and what the bell sounds like. Then Manuel starts a fire in the kitchen, and everybody else -- even Basil -- assumes it's only the drill, even after Basil sees a smoldering Manuel emerge from the kitchen.

Manuel: IS FIRE! IS FIRE! IS FIRE! [Basil pushes him back into the flaming kitchen]"

"Sybill: Did you put the lid back on the tank, Basil?
 * Also, Sybill's repeated phone calls to Basil while he's trying to put the moose's head up: "I was just doing it! I was just doing it you stupid woman! I just came over here to be reminded by you to do what I was already doing. I mean what is the bloody point of reminding me to do what I'm already doing, I'm doing it aren't I?"
 * "Would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?"
 * "I wish it was an ingrowing tongue."
 * "WE'RE HAVING IT!!!!"
 * The Major repeatedly insisting there are burglars about.
 * Duck's off, sorry.
 * Immediately before that is a quintessential character moment for Basil, refusing to let go of the lie as long as there's a single shred of hope of maintaining it: He lifts the lid off the dish and finds not a duck but some kind of trifle. He stares at it for a second, slams the lid down, lifts it back up, looks around, looks back at the trifle and rakes through it with his hands as if there might be a duck in there he can give the guests.

Basil: Yes, that's why I've been on the roof the last 20 minutes dear.

Sybill: And you took the pigeons out?

Basil: No I left them in, they're nearly done."

"Basil: Go get me a hammer.

Manuel: Ah... hamma sandwich!

Basil: No, no a hammer!

Manuel: My... hamster?

Basil: No! How can I knock a nail in with your hamster? Well I could try..."

"Basil: Polly cannot cope!

Sybill: Well she can't fall over waiters or get herself jammed under desks or start burglar alarms or lock people in burning rooms or fire fire-extinguishers straight in her own face, but I should think the hotel could do without that sort of coping for a couple of days, what do you think Basil?"

""Good afternoon, gentlemen. And what can I do today for you... three... gentlemen...(Beat) AAAAHHHHHH!!!!""
 * "No, no, I don't want a debate about it, Mr. O'Reilly. If you're not over here in 20 minutes with my door, I shall come down there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day."
 * And at the end of the episode, that's exactly what he leaves to do.
 * The end of The Hotel Inspector.

"Polly: Well don't talk too loud, everybody will want one!
 * Also, pies.
 * "Can't we get you on Mastermind Sybill? 'Next contestant, Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, specialist subject: the bleeding obvious'?"
 * In Gourmet Night, when one of the guests tells Polly that there is a hair in the mousse:

Guest: WHAT?!?!"

"Basil: He thinks 'boff' is a locale."
 * Basil uses flash cards to direct Manuel to take suitcases to room 7... and Manuel promptly uses one to say "OK". Cleese looks honestly surprised, too.

"Manuel [Andrew Sachs]: Is pidgeon!
 * This interchange, a blooper from "Basil the Rat".

Basil: It's a rat!

Manuel: [Out of character, realizing he's flubbed his line] No, it's not a pidgeon; it's a hamster.

[Sachs grins sheepishly, and Cleese -- still in character -- stares dumbstruck into the camera after hearing "Manuel" properly speak a full sentence in English]"

"Basil (to Sybil) I fought in the Korean War, you know. I killed four men.
 * Another blooper from "The Anniversary" has Sybil slamming the door in her husband's face so hard that the entire wall moves (if you watch the episode, they intentionally zoom the camera on Basil so the wall is out of shot). Cleese does a double take... and immediately begins "checking the joists".

Sybill: (to guests checking in) He was in the Catering Corps. He used to poison them."

"Worker (After another informs that he means O'Reilly): Yes, that's right. We are Orraly men! (under his breath) Thick as a plank..."
 * Basil instructing Manuel over the phone to tell one of the builders: "You are a hideous orangutan."
 * That whole scene is just gold, Manuel trying to greet them, and keeps pronouncing the name wrong -- "You men with Orraly!"


 * And let's not forget the scene in which Sybil freaks out and attacks O'Reilly with an umbrella.
 * When Basil calls and says it's him, Manuel thinks he's someone asking to talk with Basil, and gets increasingly frustrated until he waves the phone around to demonstrate that Basil's not there. And then throws the phone over the counter in panic once he gets it.
 * Basil's inexplicable crouching, leaping performance after one mishap too many in "The Psychiatrist".
 * "It's perfectly Sybill! Simple's not well! She's lost her throat and her voice hurts. The doctor came this morning and said it was a bit serious, not a lot, a bit, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon and it's best for her to be on her own! Now what is so peculiar about that?" "Her driving around in the town."
 * "I'll just pop upstairs and ask her to stop dying, and you can all come up and identify her!"
 * "I'll call O'Riley, you go and see if the roof's still on." [...] *to O'Riley* "Oh, up to your usual standard I suppose, the odd hole in the floor, the odd door missing but nothing you can't be sued for!"
 * "Got to shoot him Fawlty!" "Ah not- not, legal actually, anymore Major. Murder."
 * *Basil kisses Sybill on the cheek to distract her: "What are you doing?" "I'm kissing you dear." *Sybill gives him a suspicious, confused look* "Well don't."
 * "You speak German?" "Oh, German! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you!"
 * The way Basil shakes his fist at the flower pot at the end of A Touch of Class is epically funny, every single time.