Warp That Aesop (Darth Wiki)/Animated Film

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WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

'''Animated Film Round! Ready.... GO!'''


 * Tangled: Your adoptive parent who raised, clothed and fed you from infancy doesn't love you. You need to go find the people who gave birth to you and immediately lost you in order to have a REAL family.
 * Isn't that the actual Aesop?
 * As long as you rescue a princess any other crime you've committed in your life no matter how heinous will immediately be pardoned, and you'll get to join the royal family and probably inherit the throne.
 * Blondes are magical. Brunettes are just normal, boring, mundane people without any magic left in them.
 * Growing up means killing your maternal figure and losing the part of you that made you special so you can look like everyone else.
 * Only brunettes can have a true family and love. If a girl happened to have blond hair, she must cut and dye it in oder to find happiness.
 * Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Hey, are you deformed or look different in any way physically? You're never gonna get the girl, cause she doesn't love you. Instead, she gets the cute, hot guy while you (at the very least) are allowed out of your house.
 * You can poke fun at enormous infernos that kill hundreds of people as long as you're a lovable comic relief side character.
 * Acting like a dick and damning an entire community is appropriate retribution for a crush you're not willing to admit.
 * Aladdin: If you're magic, you can get away with any crime.
 * Except possibly high treason. That one didn't work out so well, even though a magic person was trying it.
 * If you want to be accepted into society, you have to act like someone you're not, especially if the person is someone in high authority.
 * Mulan: Comically exaggerated specimens aside, Asians all look alike and can easily pass as each other. Also, people with dark skin are literal inhuman monsters and should be killed.
 * Women are not worth anything unless they're screaming bitches that are more like men. To their credit, at least it's truth in tropes.
 * When a woman disguises herself as a man, it is an heroic example of her being true to herself and being all that she can be. When men disguise themselves as women, it is hilarious, as they are debasing themselves by posing as members of the inferior sex.
 * If your going to be in drag you must be pretty to begin with in order for you to appear dignified. If you look goofy and/or ugly then it will just make you look even more ridiculous than usual.
 * Not that it matters, since good-looking guys should never debase themselves by dressing as women!
 * And from the sequel, we get "Follow your heart, even if it screws up a plan that you agreed to, and the failure of which could lead to a terrible war for your country, because someone will fix everything in the end."
 * Pocahontas and Anastasia: Historical accuracy is completely irrelevant to a movie about historical events.
 * And in Pocahontas: No matter how close two people have become, one saving the other's life, and bringing understanding between each others' people, interracial relationships just won't work out.
 * Subverted in the sequel by her falling in love with John Rolf, which gives the new Aesop:Forget about the man who understood you better and you made a promise to because you heard he MIGHT be dead. Instead find a guy with the same first name as him, move away from your family to the home of this guy you just barely met, try to change yourself to a white lady, and after finding out your first love is still alive change your mind that you love this new guy and RIP OUT THE HEARTS OF YOUR OLDER FANS!! (Sorry, this troper just couldn't handle the sudden change in her feelings, even if it was more historically acurate.)
 * Also from an actual video review of Anastasia: "Do the right thing. Karma will get you laid."
 * Also from Anastasia: The only reason that anyone would try to overthrow an absolute monarchy is because the usurper is an evil, undead sorcerer.
 * Who cares about social and economic conditions, revolutions are triggered by the Devil!
 * Meet the Robinsons: The future is made entirely out of crack cocaine.
 * If you allow your brother to become sleep deprived, he will be an evil loser in the future who is easily manipulated into creating a Dystopia by his "friend".
 * It's more than perfectly okay to tell an eleven-year-old orphan time after time again that you'll take him to see his long-lost (and not dead) mother...only to rip his goddamn heart out and stomp on it by telling him it was a lie, that you had no intentions to even bother trying to let him see his not-dead mother again. This will, in no way, destroy any friendship you had with the kid.
 * The Little Mermaid: Never, ever allow anyone to accept you for who you are. Change yourself radically to please a guy, even if it means alienating yourself from everyone else that you ever loved and possibly dooming your civilization.
 * Inside every lonely, obese, dark-skinned old woman is a young, white, thin, pretty-voiced temptress. Inside every one of them is a gigantic dark-skinned old maid with a huge fork and a crown who will kill us all.
 * Like pie!
 * It is perfectly reasonable for you to make a deal with the devil to change species so you can try to make the guy your favourite statue is based on fall in love with you.
 * A Deal with the Devil is A-OK as long as the ends justifies the means.
 * One of my favorite The Nostalgia Chick quotes(in a sing-song faux-happy voice): "I hate this movie. I sold my soul for a vagina and boy I don't know."
 * True love is based on physical appearance, and not anything like personality or conversation.
 * Guys want girls who look pretty and don't talk.
 * It's okay to completely and utterly forget about your family, friends, and life as long as you leave them to marry some one pretty.
 * This one applies to the first movie and the sequel: It's okay to leave your entire life behind and never see anyone you knew ever again to marry a guy you kinda-sorta-not really met once even though you have plenty of friends, a loving family, and unending wealth: But if you're a social outcast with a pretty sucky life, you can't just ignore all those problems once you find a place where you're actually happy, you have to go back and live that sucky life to the fullest.
 * Don't forget the importance of BODY LANGUAGE!!!!!!
 * Trust that your teenage daughter knows what she wants in life, even if she just almost destroyed your kingdom over a crush on the handsome prince.
 * Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs: In order to become the fairest, you must first make yourself as hideous as possible.
 * Being chased by a former friend who was hired to kill you? Breaking and entering and then moving in with the hermits who lived there is a much better idea than going to the top of the freaking mountain to look for any nearby roads or villages.
 * Don't trust older women.
 * If you're on the run and need a new home, just break into some strangers house and act like you're the house maid. They'll accept you immediately as part of the household.
 * Disney's The Jungle Book: Evolution is the screwball belief of a bunch of clumsy, idiot apes and their impressionable leader.
 * It doesn't matter where you grew up or who raised you. Everyone needs to stay with their own kind, or else who would they date?
 * Corpse Bride: You'll never make it with a woman who's more interesting than you. Stick to the girl who's just as boring as you are, especially if you were forced into marrying her in the first place.
 * Then again, even rotting, worm-infested cadavers manage to be more interesting than you. Not to mention livelier.
 * Necrophilia is awesome.
 * Attracted to a guy who another girl likes, too? Don't even bother trying to pursue a relationship with him, because you're stealing the other girl's opportunity to be happy. After all, everyone only gets one chance at true love. First person you dated didn't work out? Maybe you'll get to Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence, but forget about, you know, having a meaningful romantic relationship with anyone else.
 * There's no real point to actively seeking-out a compatible bride for yourself. Statistically, you're almost certain to end-up marrying multiple women with whom you will get along just fine through random chance alone! Within the space of a single day, no less!
 * The Lion King: The removal of the royal family from the seat of power will instantly equal Neo-Nazism, coupled with Communism when the new leader tries to spread the food supplies around with 'lower' species. It's best to flee and spend your adolescence in exile when you can.
 * Likewise, a group of brave and strong women can eventually overthrow a tyrant by finding a man to do it for them. While they all watch. Motionlessly.
 * True to nature, in fact!
 * And de-segregation will cause starvation, misery, and an ecological catastrophe.
 * You are your parents, and even if you manage to carve out a nice niche somewhere far from filial troubles, you will eventually be dragged back in.
 * If you're impoverished and/or a member of a persecuted minority, it's perfectly okay to kill and eat children who trespass onto your property. This goes double for the children of prominent politicians
 * Every organism in nature is bound together in an elaborate ecological network; a "Circle of Life," if you will. Except for Hyenas, that is. They're unnatural and should be hunted to extinction.
 * Variant: the best way to prevent over-hunting is to completely screw over a group of predators that is native to that ecosystem by cutting them off from food, thus causing the other predator species (that you conveniently happen to belong to) to become too numerous to be able to share food with them. That is, the best way to deal with an overpopulation problem is by banishing an inferior race (hyenas) to a place with no resources while having as many children as you want.
 * It's okay to teach a kid to abandon his problems and responsibilities and lead a life of ignorance and hedonism as long as you saved his life once. For selfish ends. That you never abandon.
 * It makes sense for you to complain if the guy who you taught to do whatever feels good starts paying attention to an attractive female moreso than to you.
 * The only inhabitants of Africa who know Swahili words or have anything remotely resembling an accent that might be characteristic to some part of Africa are priests.
 * It's okay to nickname someone in a way that recalls an accident that could have cost him his sight.
 * If you want to use your intelligence to improve your condition since you're not physically strong, you're evil.
 * The Lion King II: If your parents don't like your new girlfriend, it is only because they are evil and plotting to take over the world. Don't listen to a word they say.
 * Don't trust anyone. If they prove their worth in any way, give them the keys to the castle gates and blame them and anyone but yourself if they let the wrong people inside.
 * The Lion King 1 1/2: As long as you're charismatic, it's a good idea to head out into a world of giant carnivores. If your friends include at least one giant carnivore, act like a jerk to big scary things with teeth. And bros before hos, if it's not you falling in love.
 * Atlantis the Lost Empire: There will always be a rich, shapely, intelligent, attractive, plucky and/or charismatic white person to help out the po' black folks.
 * If you learn the root language that all other human languages apparently sprang from, you'll be able to speak any language fluently, from English to Swahili.
 * WALL-E: Humans are obese, stupid, lazy slobs and only a robot is capable of feeling compassion towards living things as well as concern for the future of the earth.
 * Likewise- "Consumerism is bad, but not when it means you buying OUR products. Wall-E dolls are on sale now!"
 * Inanimate objects designed for the disposal of garbage have emotions too - even if they show no evidence of it beyond the occasional electronic smile - and anyone who says differently is evil. The only exception to this is inanimate objects who look like HAL 9000, who can be killed whenever you like.
 * Technology makes us fat, lazy and unable to appreciate our lives, each other and our surroundings, except when it's used to make cute robots. Also, giving up all that technology to built up a new society essentially from scratch on a planet that has thus far proven to have sustained exactly one plant is a brilliant idea, even if the captain's few-hour read through 700 year old wikipedia entries on plants is the only farming experience your society has.
 * Hey kids, feel free to continue your life of generating trash. Because in 100 years we will be able to get cute robots to clean up earth and then everything will be fine again eventually.
 * Monsters, Inc.: The monsters in your closet just work for a federal utility company, so in essence, they are bureaucrats. All the more reason to be afraid of them.
 * The Incredibles: Some people are just inherently better than others. Trying to be better than you really are is evil.
 * Augmenting yourself with technology to overcome your shortcomings is evil. If you can't fly, you aren't meant to be in the sky. If you can't walk, you aren't meant to move under your own power.
 * It's good to have a few people who just happen to have super powers. Wanting to level the playing field is evil.
 * If saving the world breaks anything, especially human bones, you'd be crazy not to sue the people who contained the damage.
 * Super villains will obey the law, having laws against super powers makes the world ordinary instead of leaving super villains and having super heroes out of commission.
 * A smug one-liner covers any problems with your saving methods. ("I think you broke something!"/"With counseling, I'm sure you'll come to forgive me.")
 * If cheating comes naturally to you, then it is justified.
 * Aesop of the above aesop: If you use your own natural abilities, but they're more than someone else's, it constitutes "cheating". Einstein was cheating by using his big show-off-y brain. Michael Jordan cheats with his obviously unfair athletic ability. Get those cheaters out of here so we can get the playing field down to the lowest level!
 * Death to the snarky! Your sarcasm arises from pure evil.
 * Likewise to that, if you use superhuman abilities in a world Full of existing supervillains without government or spousal permission it is still seen as illegal and or immoral. Even if the situation is Life or Death.
 * Also to that a wife's personal wishes are more important then the needs of a Entire city of endangered citizens for a superhuman to save them. And basically to that superheroing is seen by the heroes' wives as similar to going out for a rowdy night of drinking with friends so its just "Fooling around" to them.
 * This one's for the teenage girls: Once you've realized how cool it is to be better than everyone else (see first aesop), it's time to use that new found confidence to... dress and act EXACTLY like everyone else!
 * Over the Hedge: Stealing is a-ok as long as you don't take more than you need! Or, stealing is okay so long as you steal from people who have too much of it anyway.
 * Cinderella: If you wait long enough, the universe will take pity on you and give you shit out of nowhere.
 * Once Upon a Forest: Need to go on a long, treacherous and possibly life-threatening journey for the single plant that can cure a terminally ill little girl, which only grows on the steep, rocky face of a hundred foot cliff? Just send a group of inexperienced kids who've never left home before to do it for you, they'll be fine.
 * Placing your shirt over your mouth can protect you from poisonous gas.
 * Comatose people can't wake up until they feel your tears fall on their face.
 * Beauty and the Beast: Hey kids! You'd better stick with that angry guy who always seems three seconds away from punching you. Lord knows he's going to change by the end!
 * Um... That's not the intended aesop of the Disney version, true, but the original fairy tale... yeah.
 * Hey guys! Don't by any means try to improve upon yourself unless you're forced into it.
 * Hey gals! Your man will become instantly more attractive if you bribe him with sex.
 * Hey, folks! Fall in love with a halfway decent person, accept them for all their oddness...and they will change drastically!
 * Hey, rich people! Spend all of your money on a huge number of slaves. Like, that could feasibly serve as the population of Ireland. Because if you get under a magic curse, you might as well have millions of companions in your sorrow, such as five hundred brooms or a hall-full of living ornamental armor.
 * There's only one way to get shed of a Stalker with a Crush: He has to die.
 * It's impossible to be truly happy without looking like a cliché off a tacky bodice ripper from an airport giftshop
 * Hey guys! Wooing a lady in order to achieve a personal goal is a-ok!
 * If your employer is a jerk, you deserve to be punished for his personal failings.
 * Similarly, if someone does something which you don't like, feel free to punish their servants for it. It's not like they're real people or anything.
 * Old women are all witches who will smite you for the slightest transgression in politeness. Burn the Witch
 * Hey kids! If a mysterious stranger comes to your door trying to give you something nice (like a flower or candy!), let them in! They are probably magical and will curse you if you don't.
 * Dumbo: If you get wrongly imprisoned for protecting your child, don't sweat it. Eventually you'll get treated like a queen after those in charge decide to exploit your child, even though it goes exactly against what you wanted.
 * Spitting peanuts can be used as weaponry, and will help you free your mom from prison.
 * Feel free to be horrible to the kid with the birth defect. Just as long as you cheer for him once he gets famous, all will be forgiven.
 * It's perfectly okay for circuses to exploit handicapped children for their disabilities as long as you pamper their parents.
 * That's likely what happened back in the old days in real life. Cruel, uncaring parents finds a use for their deformed child by selling him/her to the circus all so the parents can recieve a cut of the money.
 * For several Disney movie examples, see here.
 * An American Tail: Cats only eat meat because they're mean. They could live off vegetables if they really wanted to.
 * We should deport every criminal gang in America to Hong Kong.
 * An American Tail 2: Fievel Goes West: Hey, young girls! Don't show any personal ambition, or you'll be lying to yourself and ignoring family members in need!
 * And dancing with the man who's plotting to kill your family and everyone you know is romantic.
 * Hey guys! If your girlfriend dumps you because of who you are, you should change your entire personality (maybe even your species), to suit her fancy so she'll take you back!
 * Cars: It doesn't matter how successful you become, because the love and respect you get from all your fans and peers is hollow and meaningless, and all those awards and achievements you gain are worthless.
 * Forget your dreams and happiness living in the big city. Pack up and move out to little inbred towns in the middle of nowhere because their survival is culturally more important.
 * Celebrities live meaningless lives and have lost their way. Feel free to humiliate, enslave, mutilate them, and indoctrinate them so that they feel like they are a part of your small close-knit community.
 * Cars 2: No matter what kind of mayhem you cause, never change your behavior in any way.
 * Bambi: Go ahead and shoot the doe, the fawns will survive anyway.
 * Obviously a herd of deer whose Alpha Male Buck is named "Bambi" will be incredibly butch.
 * Your father wasn't involved in raising you and left your mom? It's okay, because he'll get involved later and make you a man after that! So do the same to your wife and kids!
 * Toy Story 3: Once you're an adult, it's time to grow the fuck up and get rid of all your toys. Especially if you're going off to college, because college students never would do something as immature as still play with toys. This message brought to you by a film franchise featuring toy characters that you have cherished throughout your entire life.
 * The first Toy Story: Customizing your action figures makes you evil.
 * Ratatouille: All your dreams can come true as long as you're willing to lie, disappoint your family, and use other people to your selfish whims. The minute you stop doing this, things are going to go downhill fast. (Sadly, more Truth in Television)
 * Shrek: Ugly people deserve love too...but only from other ugly people. If a hot girl falls for an ugly guy, she must have something seriously wrong with her.
 * Judging people or harassing them for their outward appearance is bad. Mocking the reigning monarch of the land for being short, however, is perfectly fine.
 * Fern Gully: every living creature on Earth deserves a habitat to call its own--except of course for humans.
 * Vorarephilia is a perfectly acceptable topic for song lyrics.
 * Nature = good; man = hitler
 * As long as human logging operations don't release the Eldritch Abomination with the sexy voice, there's nothing to worry about since the rainforest is home to magical fairies that can grow the trees back quickly.
 * Don't worry about the environment. The fairies can fix it.
 * You don't need to add any facts or reason in an environmentalist movie as long as you make humanity look evil or stupid for doing whatever they do.
 * Pollution is sexy and sounds like Tim Curry.
 * Most Disney movies: A woman is only as good as the man she serves--now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich, woman!
 * The Nightmare Before Christmas: Bored with your job? Tough. If you even attempt to try something new and exciting, even just once, you'll make a huge mess of it. Best to just do what you were born to do.
 * The Princess and the Frog: You should only ever try to improve your fortunes through the class system. Trying to change it makes you unrepentently EVIL.
 * The full extent of racism in The South was a couple of Jerkass real estate agents snidely alluding to a black woman's "background." If any black people were poor during the period, it was strictly their own fault.
 * Cajun people are ugly fireflies with distorted teeth.
 * All culinary problems can be solved through the generous application of Tobasco sauce.
 * Wait, that isn't Truth in Television?
 * It doesn't matter how hard you've worked to achieve your dreams, it will be magic that will eventually make them come true. Oh yeah, and asking your super rich best friend for a little financial help is just silly, so don't bother. Also, someone is automatically evil if you were stupid/naive enough to fall for their scam.
 * Hard work will get you ahead in life...unless you are an ugly, fat manservant. In which case, you can break your back every day in service of a shiftless layabout who verbally abuses you, but you will still probably die a penniless old man.
 * Additionally, all butlers are inherently evil because they are jealous of their employers. You should never trust them.
 * Love is more important than any other dream you could possibly have. Especially if that love is a whole day old. And no, there are no exceptions.
 * If your friend is in love with an inanimate object (especially a star), never correct him. You're a heartless bastard if you do.
 * The only way to get what you want is with money and/or really powerful friends. Bonus points if the friend is an alligator.
 * Sadly, Truth in Television.
 * We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story: Science (as in mutated dinosaurs) is good, where as nature (real dinosaurs) is sick and wrong.
 * People who like scary things do not deserve to be entertained. Horror-based entertainment is bad, and getting rid of it will show those who enjoy it the error of their ways.
 * If you have the ability to kill a villain who tortures and brainwashes people, you shouldn't, because it's not very nice. Instead, you should submit to his demands and join him.
 * If a predatory animal has just broken free and shows every indication of being about to eat someone you should run over to that animal while shouting loudly. It won't get you eaten, it'll make that animal nice!
 * You have a powerful timeship, a huge stockpile of cereal that permanently raises the IQ of any living creature, and a magical radio that lets you listen to the wishes of children. Naturally, this means that you should drop off some intelligent dinosaurs in the early 1990s and hope that they help two alienated kids. Don't bother curing world hunger or anything.
 * The only wish any child anywhere in the world has is the desire to see living dinosaurs.
 * The Brave Little Toaster and the Toy Story series: Inanimate objects are completely sentient, so if you forget about them or stop using them they will suffer from your neglect. Don't you dare throw any of them out, either, because abandoning them will ruin their life and they will end up completely miserable. And if you dare take anything apart, you are a Complete Monster who is mutilating living beings and inducing traumatic Body Horror on them. I hope you're happy....sick fuck.
 * Garbage dumps are like concentration camps for cars and other objects.
 * Treat your inanimate plastic objects molded into humanoid shapes nicely, or they'll come to life and rise up against you.
 * Sleeping Beauty: Always invite the evil fairy/sorceress/witch/whatever to all special events. Otherwise, she'll just find out about it and show up pissed off anyway.
 * Men can't do anything, and need constant help with everything they do, or they're doomed.
 * Don't bother telling your daughter about the one device that WILL harm her one day, just burn all of them, putting hundreds of people out of a job and causing a huge shortage in woven fabrics. And don't even try to protect her on the prophesised day of her doom, someone else will do that for you.
 * If you mess up that one thing you had 16 years to prepare for, it's fine to put the entire castle to sleep to cover it up until you can fix it. Don't even bother to ask anyone else for help, either. Just do it yourself.
 * Arranged marriage is fine, the two of them will fall in love anyway. But you can get upset if you think your child has fallen for someone else instead.
 * Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: Don't think of using genius to advance science or help your town thrive, because that is just selfish.
 * If you stop a machine that's about to cause The End of the World as We Know It, you're a hero. It doesn't matter that you invented said machine, knew beforehand when it was about to go horrible wrong and could have stopped it all the time before that without any problems.
 * Megamind: A kid can grow up in prison and become a perfectly sweet kid, however send him to school for a couple mounths and he'll become evil.
 * Keep our children out of school, support their prison fund.
 * Being a hero consists souly of cleaning up your own mistakes nothing else.
 * Kung Fu Panda: The best way to teach an overweight person kung fu is to tease him with food.
 * Everyone gets one chance at redemption. If they let go of that chance, they deserve to die.
 * The worst mistake a heroic martial artist can make is to care about the opponent.
 * All Dogs Go to Heaven: All dogs go to heaven. Even if they're Complete Monster mob bosses who kidnap orphans. You do have to be a dog to get into heaven though.
 * Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: It's only okay to make fun of people if they serve no useful purpose to you.
 * If you're different, you'd better get used to it. You'll never fit in, and if they find something for you to do...shut up and be grateful for it.
 * (Almost all kid's films about dogs): Everyone who isn't that dog's owners are evil quasi-Nazis who want that mutt dead for no explicable reason.
 * Also applies to The Fox and The Hound, though in this case it's a fox.
 * Monsters vs. Aliens: If you see your bride in her dress on her wedding day before you're supposed to, an energy ball will fall from the sky and make her giant.