Warp That Aesop (Darth Wiki)/Live Action TV

WELCOME, ladies, gentlemen, and tropers, to Darth Wiki's Favorite Game Show...

WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

'''TV Round! Ready.... GO!'''


 * 24: it doesn't matter who it looks like the bad guy is; it's always someone American, probably a bigwig in a corporation. So leave those damn terrorists and their constant chants of Death To America alone!
 * Alternately: Torture works, and anyone who says otherwise is a preening pansy!
 * That was the intended aesop
 * The Bill of Rights and Due Process just get in the way and can be ignored without consequence
 * There is never time for a bathroom break when you only have 1 day to save the world.
 * It's perfectly alright to threaten your coworkers and even your superiors at gunpoint to get your way, so long as you prove you were right.
 * Go ahead and slap your co-worker/love interest who was just tortured, he was moping anyway.
 * 30 Rock: If you aren't a star, you never will be, even if you did write a successful book giving relationship advice.
 * Also, after a point, you really should just settle.
 * Stuff happens that it is out of your control. This is why should you shouldn't bother to control your destiny at all.
 * Putting your audience at risk with hallucinogenic gas is justified to save your show. Even if this would just result in alienating and confusing the audience watching at home.
 * American Idol, Judge Judy and pretty much Every live action TV show with a rude or highly abrasive host: ALL Hollywood celebrities are secretly JerkAsses whom will All secretly made extremely rude and snide comments about you behind your back only seconds after meeting you, this makes them untrustworthy. However if these same people make the same comments Loudly and directly to your face then this makes them very trustworthy no matter what their opinions are, they are always saying the Absolute Truth regardless of whether you like their opinions or not.
 * Angel: Guilt trumps all other emotions, even love. Also, if you are ever completely happy, even for a moment, something is deeply wrong and the world is going to end. So you should brood a lot.
 * Are You Afraid of the Dark?: There's at least one for every episode.
 * The A-Team: Vietnam War veterans with mental problems are hilarious.
 * Battlestar Galactica: Nothing is more lovable than genocidal robots. Anyone that doesn't want to get along with the cute androids that nuked their families is evil.
 * Battlestar Galactica: The Finale:
 * Cylons are really people. But using all-or-nothing methods to stop them would make you just like a Cylon. But then wouldn't that make you a person, or does that make you a more machine-like Cylon than the Cylons themselves, or huurk..ghhhch... BOOM.
 * Thrashing each other black and blue is a sign of equality in a relationship.
 * You can get away with murder (sometimes literally, and on a mass scale) if
 * A. You are an authority figure.
 * B. You are related to or favored by an authority figure.
 * C. God made you do it.
 * Bewitched: Of course you should stay married to the woman who hid her true eternal nature from you, who refers to you, your family, your friends and everyone you have ever known as 'mortals', who can literally vaporise you and wipe all memory of your existence from the universe, and whose family members are all jaded, warped, amoral eternals who uniformly think your are less than human. What could go wrong?
 * Also, your husband wants you to stop doing magic, this essential part of your identity. That's cool! You'd rather just be some guy's wife than a powerful witch anyway.
 * If your husband's appearance, voice, and mannerisms drastically change - it's okay! Don't worry about it, there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation that doesn't involve him dying and being replaced by powers beyond your understanding.
 * The Big Bang Theory: When your grown friend starts having a breakdown because your fighting is reminding him of a traumatic childhood, it is HILARIOUS, and you should just buy him a toy.
 * Falsifying scientific data to get desired results is OK if it gets your obnoxious colleague to shut up.
 * If someone is arrogant and demanding, you should let them have their way. Because that isn't reinforcing negative behavior at all.
 * The most brilliant scientific minds of any generations will inevitably be Hollywood Nerds who collect comic books and act shy around girls.
 * It's okay to breech national security if it helps you get a date. If someone finds out, you'll just get a slap on the wrist.
 * Hilarity will always Ensue.
 * As long as you're a superiorly intelligent guy, it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to be a contemptuous, gloating cross between a Spoiled Brat and an Insufferable Genius. Your entourage should just deal with it.
 * Is your friend going through a bad breakup? Hire a Las Vegas prostitute for him, and he'll be better in no time!
 * Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Want to be a strong female? Great! Just remember that your life is going to really, really suck!
 * And also remember that "a strong female" is to be taken really, really literally. Ideally you need a level of physical strength completely unavailable to any actual woman to have a hope.
 * Abuse your boyfriend! It's perfectly ok, because he's evil! (Charmed is guilty of this one too)
 * But if he hits you, he's a monster and must be destroyed, no matter how many times you've broken his bones.
 * Oh, and don't fall in love with anyone - they'll either die, or turn evil and try to kill you, or you'll have to break up for some other convoluted reason. Either way, love only ends up in misery and general suckiness. But, at least when you mope around you'll get a montage complete with a wangsty rock song to accompany it.
 * This would probably apply to any Joss Whedon product.
 * Oh, it could apply to a much bigger grouping than just that.
 * It could apply to any product of The WB and/or The CW except Supernatural, which has issues of its own (see below).
 * If one human being is responsible for the death of another human being - even if only accidentally during a heated battle - then that person must forever be considered a murderer and be held to account for their actions... UNLESS that person is absorbing dark magic and about to destroy the world or a vampire dating the Slayer, in which case it's no biggie.
 * Being an attractive blond with super powers absolutely sucks. If this ever happens to you, whine and mope about it as much as possible.
 * Saving the world and protecting humanity from terrors from the night is best left to the Chosen One. Having military training, as well as the resources and manpower to deal with threats across the world just makes you corrupt and incompetent. Just leave it to the high school students and their single location.
 * Underage girls having sex with far older men (dead or alive) is awesome. Just don't let them drink, beer is liquid evil!
 * BEER IS FOAMY! Also, FIRE BAD, TREE PRETTY.
 * Necrophilia is awesome.
 * Technically, the issue with necrophilia is that a dead body can't consent and you're desecrating their remains. While having sex with a vampire is, technically, necrophilia, the moral reasons necrophilia is viewed as bad don't apply.
 * (See Twilight for more details.)
 * Okay, so you've tried to kill your friends a few more times than is kosher, and they may or may not be involved with various forms of demonism and dark arts that could have destroyed the world, but, hey, at least you'll have something interesting to tell your therapist about, and, in the end, isn't that what true friendship is all about?
 * No matter how many innocent people you have tortured and killed in the past it is OK if you now genuinely feel bad about it.
 * Just because someone has been abandoned countless times and is going into a tailspin doesn't mean you should stop wangsting about your life, even if you have friends who care about you and someone who loves you, which is more than many people have, and pay attention to the person. In fact, you should get angry about them going into a tailspin while you put your own life into a tailspin, even if their life is much worse than your own.
 * Killing people who have killed multiple people, tried to kill others including multiple attempts on your best friend, raped at least one person and is a general threat to every decent person is wrong.
 * From Season 8 we have: Going off to have sex with a guy who lost his soul last time you fucked him is a good idea. Wait a minute, I didn't twist that at all.
 * So, you're sexually attracted to somebody with a history of criminal violence and murder and who, in his last relationship, thought torture and rape was a good way to rekindle the romance. Also, you don't love them and aren't even willing to concede that they are a person. It's a wonderful idea to get involved in a sexual relationship where the two of you continually pretend to rape one another. But if he almost rapes you ( and stops when he realises you are so into it), then that near- rape is the only messed-up part of the scenario. Also, in these situations, the best way to end the relationship is to go to their house late at night and, rather than let them down gently, give a speech designed to humiliate them.
 * And if your boyfriends' happen to occasionally go on murder sprees that's ok, too, because you love them ( or at least want their bodies) and at other times they mean well. Or look great in leather.
 * Breaking Bad: Feel free to get rid of that midlife crisis by cooking Meth on the side; If your wife starts to ask what's going on, she's the biggest bitch in the universe.
 * Powerful drug dealers and hardened gang members have no freaking idea what they're doing, even a high school chemistry teacher can best them with home made explosives, poison gases and some select sucker punches. For Science!
 * When you inevitably kill / screw over / piss off someone important, someone even more powerful will have wanted them dead anyway.
 * Your former colleges offering to pay for your cancer treatment isn't enough to make up for that disagreement you had twenty years ago. Throw that such trite gestures back in their fucking faces.
 * Don't run awry of any Broken Birds; her father.
 * Burn Notice: It's okay to hit, shoot at, wrestle, and otherwise rough up a woman you care about, provided that you let her take care of the ones who want you dead.
 * Even if it means massive property damage, kidnapping, lying to police, and more, it's totally okay because they're criminals who need to be put behind bars.
 * Large amounts of military grade equipment are always available for those out of favor with the government.
 * Miami has lots of sexy girls and violent explosions.
 * Well, they don't tend to be the same parts of Miami, but this one is actually pretty accurate.
 * Charmed: Redemption is not possible. If you are evil, don't ever try to be good.
 * Some people are intrinsically good and some are always bad. Just because someone has sacrificed themselves for the sake of good multiple times does not mean they should be treated with any respect.
 * Disobeying those who might actually know what they are doing is okay because you are right.
 * Do whatever it takes to save the one you love, even if you have to steal your friend's soul to do it.
 * Treating the cast and crew like human flotsam will cause you to be replaced by Rose McGowan. And then Tracy Morgan. (Wait, this is dangerously close to a real aesop...)
 * Community: If you fake your degree, you will remain undetected for years and become a rich professional. Once you are discovered and have to go Back to School, you will meet/create a Nakama who will help you with all your problems. Also, Paintball wars.
 * Why go to a fancy Ivy League school when you can go to some hole in the wall community college? They have paintball tournaments and reenact famous movies!
 * Damages: Legal ethics are for losers. Only by kicking morals to the curb will you be a successful attorney.
 * Dark Angel: Continuing bitching at and beating up on that guy you got off on the wrong foot with, no matter how much he changes. Certainly don't let it occur to you that his daily persona is as much of a mask as your own and that he needs (A) a friend and (B) a therapist. Bonus points if he's identical to your dead psycho brother and you're a girl, because girls are cooler.
 * There is no problem that cannot be solved by a hot chick kicking ass.
 * Davinci's Inquest: Sarcastic, drunken coroner who wants to legalize drugs = GOOD! Homeless junkies simply looking for a place to shoot up without getting arrested = MISUNDERSTOOD! Stuffy police officers who want to do things by the book = BAD!!!
 * Degrassi Junior High: All adults are child molesters.
 * Degrassi Schools Out: If you don't have sex with your boyfriend, he'll cheat on you. If you do, he already cheated on you when you wouldn't.
 * Degrassi the Next Generation: Boyfriend-stealers always get what they want.
 * As proves, getting date raped will totally turn you into a better person.
 * Desperate Housewives: Women should NEVER, EVER consider getting a job no matter what. Even when they have no child to tend to, even when said children are sufficiently grown up to look after themselves, even if they're bored to death with staying at home doing nothing. No, they should all just engage in gossiping, being petty bitches to one another and cheat on their husbands while he's away to kill the time. That's actually more useful and purposeful than engaging in an activity that would benefit the community.
 * Additionally, White homemakers are all more or less Stepford Smilers unable to do womething useful with their lives.
 * Homemaking is a tedious, ungrateful job, especially in Stepford Suburbia, that only guarantees a lifetime of boredom and pain because all husbands are either cheaters or controlling dicks and your children will always do something to make you feel miserable and resent you no matter what you do. So why bother?
 * Never have a relation with a redhead. You'd end up dead or in a wheelchair.
 * Dexter: Killing for fun makes you a monster. Killing other murderers for fun is perfectly justifiable and even somewhat heroic.
 * Also, you can't fight your destructive urges, so you might as well indulge them as long as the people on the receiving end are worse than you and you don't get caught.
 * Stealing drugs from evidence locker and framing somebody for a crime that will get them life imprisonment is a noble thing, provided the person you happen to be framing is enough of a Jerkass.
 * Doctor Who: If a strange man offers you a ride in a stolen vehicle, you should DEFINITELY accept.
 * Have a problem with aliens? Dinosaurs invading London? Don't fight, don't react, don't do anything - a guy will magically beam in from nowhere, and solve the problem for you. As long as you stayed absolutely still, because regardless of the problem, it was just a miscommunication. One that is all your fault!
 * And when you eventually decide to maybe learn to handle some situations for yourself and take your fate in your own hands, expect a good chiding from said Knight in Shining Armour. And get your career destroyed for it.
 * Drowning overgrown spider babies is all well and good, but if your enemy is an evil genius you must go to great pains to keep him alive, despite the fact that each second he spends breathing is another opportunity for him to kill innocent people.
 * Enemies who want to obliterate every single living thing must be cherished and protected, but enemies that want to make every single living thing exactly like them can be tortured to death (or forced to commit suicide; your choice).
 * Destroying a deadly enemy who have just proven their word is worthless is wrong; therefore, your entire country should be denied a golden age as punishment.
 * Conversely, someone who has engaged in a vicious and insane war of genocide, brought untold suffering and misery to the entire world and demonstrates not a single ounce of regret or penitence for his actions should be forgiven immediately -- no questions asked.
 * Guns are evil - but any device operated by buttons or levers that kills stuff is fine. And in fact things that behave exactly like guns are also fine so long as they're not actually called guns.
 * Turn Left gives us "Obey your parents, and the universe will come to an end."
 * Mothers are evil! If they aren't emotionally blackmailing you to make you dependent on them, they're hitting on your time-travelling boyfriends. Frankly, families in general should be abolished. They just make you want to destroy the Earth so that your relatives can profit (Slitheen), or your babies can eat the corpses (Racnoss).
 * Professional soldiers are bad people and not be trusted. Species-murdering, emotionally unstable strangers are okay, though.
 * Unless the professional soldiers are led by a British man with a mustache and a relatively upmarket name like, say, Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart.
 * If someone in odd, garish clothes turns up and starts spouting meaningless gibberish, don't worry--they're a time-traveling alien genius, not an escapee from the local mental health ward!
 * And if you don't believe everything he says and immediately ally yourself with him, then you're a mundane person with no imagination, doomed to a dull life free of adventure. If you live.
 * "I can't help it, it's my nature" is a completely unacceptable excuse for selfish, intolerant, cruel or otherwise repugnant behavior. Unless, of course, you happen to be a 1000-year-old supergenius.
 * Constantly changing your moral stance on killing others doesn't make you dangerous or mentally unstable--it makes you a hero!
 * Don't worry about abandoning those who care about and depend on you; they'll get over it, eventually. And even if they don't, you'll forget about them in a few years, anyway.
 * Unintentionally inspiring others to commit suicide for you is the same as creating a race of nihilistic, merciless cyborgs to erase everything from existence.
 * You girlfriend/boyfriend IS more important then the rest of the universe and anyone who says differently should be beaten up.
 * Do not live in London.
 * Killing your loved one can result in marriage.
 * If an alternate universe is in danger, do not try to save it. Your universe is the only one that counts.
 * Dollhouse: It's fine to set a guy up to get killed by gangsters and go around punching your coworkers, as long as you're doing it to save a girl that some anonymous person told you is in serious danger. And don't worry about jumping to conclusions, even if you don't have any real evidence, you'll eventually be proven right.
 * Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman: If you are a Hooker with a Heart of Gold who is locked into a contract with the local pimp/womanizer, and you fall in love with the local telegraph jockey, then don't marry him. You will fall out of love with him, because marriage is another prison and you need to be a free, liberated woman.
 * Is the telegraph jockey on the verge of suicide? Bringing back his estranged ex-wife for a few days--the one that doesn't love him anymore and fled with their child--is a good idea and will probably heal his depression.
 * Your boyfriend should be at your beck and call at ALL TIMES. If your barn is struck by lightning, and you and your kids still manage to put out the fire, then you are perfectly justified in yelling at your boyfriend for not being there to help you. Especially when he couldn't have possibly known that lightning would strike right when he was out doing something else.
 * If a progressive female doctor from Boston fights the traditions of a backwater Colorado community in order to improve it, then she is courageous, inspired, and forward-thinking. If a progressive male businessman from Boston does basically the same thing, then he's very bad and probably only in it for the money.
 * Everybody Loves Raymond: Any action, no matter how cruel and pointlessly over-the-top, is completely acceptable if your husband started it. Or looked like he started it. Or looked like he may be about to start it at some point in the future.
 * Never stand up to your parents, even when they're actively ruining your life.
 * Firefly/Serenity: Don't worry, you can make the Knight Templar who's killed thousands of people just to get to one girl see the light with The Truth (TM), just like every Knight Templar in history.
 * If forcing your views on someone doesn't work, and your rival still believes in the force of his own words, that's okay! You can just force him through your ship's engines. Forcefully.
 * Being a criminal is just fine, as long as you call yourself a rebel and occasionally return what you stole.
 * And talk like a Cowboy.
 * Prostitution is a noble and fully enjoyable profession, with no inherent safety or health risks. Prostitutes are always honorable, insightful, and beautiful, and know kung-fu. Also, if a large, impersonal organisation ( like a trade union) claims it can provide full protection trade unions that have no problem protecting them even when it has limited physical presence and the situation you are placing yourself in seems dangerous, you should totally believe them.
 * If you make an extremely short-lived show that develops a cult following, you can do no wrong.
 * It's okay to complain about how a show will get Screwed by the Network, even if its still on the air, or hasn't even aired yet.
 * Frasier: Real families don't talk. They only yell and blame.
 * Members of real families only listen to part of a conversation and run with the Misunderstanding Ball from there. It's not Three's Company if you use big words!
 * Working-class folk are uncouth, ignorant, destructive fools; spending time around them will only bring you misery.
 * ...Unless they happen to be physically attractive. (In which case they will still bring you misery--but it's okay, because they're easy on the eyes!)
 * No one has it harder than the wealthy and well-educated.
 * Authority is either evil, corrupt, incompetent, or some combination thereof.
 * Fringe: Do LSD. Do a lot of LSD. It will give you superpowers, and probably solve the rest of your problems. Also, use it recreationally anyway if that doesn't work.
 * The U.S. Government will fix your family's problems, if you're smart enough to be worth their time.
 * Get Smart: The most effective member of any intelligense intelligence service is always the one who gets lost in a shoebox and insists on the use of ludicrously unhelpful equipment.
 * Corollary: the entire Western world still exists only through sheer dumb luck.
 * Also, smart women should never actually speak their minds; just attempt to guide the really, really stupid man who gets all the credit towards a plan that isn't actually straight-up retarded.
 * Glee:
 * Singing in public is neither antisocial nor annoying for anybody in earshot.
 * Being white and/or heterosexual and/or able-bodied is more important than singing ability in determining who will get the solos from week to week. Because we have to make our routines accessible, guys! (Truer with the guys than with the girls. Rachel is honestly the best singer on the show and probably deserves her frequent solos, and Mercedes does get a lot of time in the sun. But Artie and Kurt can easily sing circles around Finn, yet they've each gotten about 2 solos tops where Finn is singing opposite Rachel in nearly every ensemble number.)
 * Being raised by gay parents means dance/acting/voice lessons from day one and Barbara Streisand/Liza Minnelli worship. All the stereotypes you've ever heard about gay behaviour are completely true.
 * Straight guys: If you're nice to the gay kid, he'll fall in love with you. And he'll try to turn you gay as well! So you should probably keep pushing him into lockers and dumpsters, or else!
 * Evil people are inherently more popular. Also, being unrepentantly, unremittingly villainous and dastardly in pursuing your goals will net you a successful career and a throng of fans as long as you're incredibly snarky or awesome while doing it.
 * Camp Gay is the only kind of gay allowed. Also, if you're conflicted about your sexual identity, you're evil and there's no hope for you. And having no personality is a good thing.
 * And there are No Bisexuals. EVER.
 * If you're a bullied gay teenager, never stand up for yourself! When you try to stand up for yourself, it'll just turn your bully into an absolute creeper who's going to give you death threats! Instead, just change schools at the drop of a hat, your new school will be absolutely perfect for you anyway.
 * And if you're bullied early in life, just change everything about your hideous appearance as well as your name--and then bully others as much as possible. Once the losers find out you were once "one of them," they'll love you.
 * Asians should only date other Asians, and protect themselves from people of other ethnicities wilt cabal-like zeal. Jews should do the same, until it gets boring.
 * Abstinence and asexuality are inherently stupid concepts that only the disturbed, naive or people who can't get any believe in. Also applies to Family Guy.
 * Grey's Anatomy: Doctors operating on you, especially female doctors, are far less concerned about your well being than their own personal drama.
 * Heroes: If you develop a superpower, your personal life, social life, and/or career will go straight to hell. All personal relationships will be impossible to maintain under any circumstances. And only beautiful people can develop superpowers. Even the ugly people will be attractive. (See also: Buffy).
 * You too can be brought back to life (if you're pretty and/or white).
 * The worst crime in the world is being constantly depressed, for which the penalty is death and anything less is an insult to those you bring down with you. Inversely, mass murderers are always appreciated, so long as nobody falls in love with them.
 * Who's the depressed one?
 * Everyone at some point, but more specifically Maya.
 * The future will suck. No matter what anyone does, there's an unspoken Law Of Conservation Of Suck. Suck cannot be created or destroyed. It may change the form of how it will suck, but it will suck.
 * When your father says you risk getting killed doing something stupid and dangerous, do the stupid dangerous thing. You will save the world.
 * Politicians are Manipulative Bastard (or at least those who are attractive).
 * If you get superpowers, your IQ will drop drastically. Even more if your power is especially awesome.
 * Hogan's Heroes: If you volunteer for a mission you can expect your country to keep you in uniform and behind enemy lines indefinitely no matter how dangerous or stressful the mission is or how successful you are.
 * Also, those wacky Nazis own the idiot ball so it doesn't matter how ill-conceived or half-witted your plans may be -- you will never be caught.
 * House: Medical ethics is for wusses. Besides, you can't treat anyone without throwing said ethics out of the window before. No exceptions.
 * If you're trying to diagnose a patient suffering from a mysterious, potentially life-threatening disease, remember: don't waste your precious time examining the symptoms and analyzing test results. It never works. Instead, go straight to your best friend to gossip about his love life, your coworkers' secrets, your boss' butt or anything else you can come up with. That way, the correct diagnosis is guaranteed to pop right into your head out of nowhere!
 * Skip the first three diagnoses, the fourth one is going to be right.
 * Which would make it the first diagnosis. It's better to risk the patient's life with dramatic, highly-visual symptoms until you reach that fourth one.
 * Ordering major, invasive surgery can be justified by a hunch even if you wind up removing a perfectly healthy organ.
 * Practicing medicine while under the influence of narcotics is neither illegal nor unethical.
 * Hippocratic Oath? What's that?
 * Anyone who is admitted to a hospital (for any reason) will experience catastrophic failure of at least one major organ system within the hour
 * It's perfectly OK to trip a cripple just as long as he's a jackass.
 * How I Met Your Mother: It is perfectly acceptable for a married man to tell his children all about his sexual history.
 * Also, incredibly hot women in their twenties are the most gullible people on Earth. If you repeat the plot of any well-known movie with yourself as the protagonist, they will not be able to resist the desire to sleep with you. In fact, they're better off if you lie to get her into bed because you've given her the chance to live out her fantasy! And that's Awesome!
 * Lying to women in order to have one-night stands with them is perfectly fine, as long as you do it in an amusing way.
 * iCarly: Executive Meddling will ruin your life. The Corrupt Corporate Executive never has your best interests in mind, and anyone who is interested in your success simply wants to overtake and/or ruin it. This message brought to you by the wonderful folks at Nickelodeon.
 * On the episode iNevel: You should care about what a random 11-year old reviewer says about your work. And anyone who claims not to like your work really has a crush on you.
 * The episode where Sam acts girlier. Violence DOES solve problems because at least you're being yourself.
 * iMeetFred: If you share your opinion and it makes everyone overreact, you're wrong and deserve to be beaten up with a tennis racket.
 * The episode "iTake on Dingo": If someone is copying your material, you should drive hundreds of miles to confront them and threaten their most valuable possession. Cease and desist letters? Intellectual property lawsuits? What are those?
 * The Seddie story line: It's perfectly ok to date someone who beats the crap out of you and publicly hummilates you on almost a daily basis for no good reason.
 * I Dream Of Jeanie: Women, no matter how capable or powerful you are your contributions are nothing. Just be beautiful and servile. If a man messes things up you can help then.
 * If a guy ignores you and seems embarassed by you, then he's the one you should be with.
 * If you're powerful it's okay manipulate the life of the person you love, no matter how many time they ask you not to.
 * It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Stay away from pubs in Philly. The people will fuck up your life completely.
 * Jersey Shore: Its perfectly acceptable to act like an egotistical horny jerk to everyone you meet as long as you look good doing it.
 * Working out, getting tan, partying, and having sex are the only things that truly matter in life.
 * Italo-Americans are a bunch of loud, vain, self-concerned, badly tanned jerks and bimbos.
 * The L Word: Lesbians are better than gays, if only for the fact that they provide Fan Service for straight guys.
 * No matter what, Straight White guys must be pandered to, even when a show isn't supposed to be about them at all, even when a show is supposed to be aimed at a female audience.
 * The only reason a straight guy would ever watch the show is for the sex scenes.
 * Lesbians don't socialize with gay guys but they do enjoy the company of straight guys.
 * All lesbians are bisexuals deep down and will always need a straight guy in their lives if they want to function properly.
 * Straight women should all be bisexual. But straight men should never consider exploring this side of sexuality.
 * Law and Order: If your defendant claims to have connections to Middle Eastern terror groups, cut any deal you can, as fast as you can, or the federal government will yank your perp out from under you.
 * Alternately, if you're a perp - cry "I KNOW TERRORISTS" as soon as you're caught. If the DA doesn't cut you a sweet deal, the Feds will.
 * If your a disgruntled black professional, just play the race card....it still won't help you though.
 * All Defense attorneys are amoral mustache-twirling villains. And the cops, and DA are salt of the earth crusaders.
 * Not all defense council: Just those who aren't crusaders more concerned with political agendas than their client's best interests.
 * Judges, juries, and defense attorneys only exist to delay the course of justice. The obvious solution is to just remove them all, because 99% of the time the guy is guilty anyway.
 * Judges only exist to dick with the prosecution at the beginning of a trial and deliver witty one-liners when setting bail.
 * Conservatives are always wrong. Always.
 * Law and Order SVU: It is perfectly okay for detectives who have intense personal reasons to get emotionally involved in highly emotive and complex cases involving rape and other forms of sexual assault, violence or perversion to be assigned to investigate these cases. If their intense personal involvement causes them to make errors in judgement or exercise undue force against a suspect, it's okay because they're perverts and have it coming.
 * Better yet, virtually anything is morally acceptable if it will lead to the arrest of a pervert. Or a suspected pervert.
 * The episode "Clock": There Should Be a Law against adults with medical conditions that make them look younger than they are having sex. Because it's just creepy.
 * The aptitude and ability of a lawyer is directly proportional to how hot she is. Bonus points for glasses.
 * By the way, everyone is trying to rape you. Kthnxbai.
 * Except when it turns out that they aren't; they just clearly have other psychological issues. On a related note, if you're apart of police unit that deals specifically with one type of crime, it's okay to dabble outside of your jurisdiction if it initially seems like the type of crime you deal with during the beginning of the investigation.
 * There's always an excuse that makes female on male abuse and rape okay, justifiable even.
 * Crimes involving children and crimes involving sex are handled by the same handful of people simply because they're considered "especially heinous."
 * Law and Order: Criminal Intent: There is no such thing as a corrupt police officer or city official. Anyone that says otherwise is covering up for a murder.
 * Except for judges, prosecutors, court psychiatrists, prison guards & wardens, cops (at all ranks), governors, and . But other than those...
 * Gay men and lesbians are either sociopaths or dupes. Bisexuals are always sociopaths, and generally Manipulative Bastards to boot.
 * Once somebody's committed a crime of any sort, or behaved in a hostile or distrusting way toward a police officer, than they aren't people and shouldn't have any rights.
 * Leverage: the government is corrupt and it's totally ok to trust a group of strangers who happen to be career criminals to give you your house, money, property back. You wanna know why? They have a fancy looking office!
 * Life On Mars: It's perfectly acceptable to commit suicide and leave behind your caring, lonely mother just because you want to get back to a fantasy, even though you've spent the last fifteen episodes wanting to get out of said fantasy.
 * Within every misogynistic, racist homophobe lies a heart of gold.
 * Little Mosque on the Prairie: If you choose to become a devout follower of your religion, then it's perfectly alright to start mouthing-off to your (somewhat lapsed) parents about not being pious enough. Especially if your mother only converted to said religion so that she could marry your father.
 * Lost, Season 4: You can't run away from your own problems, it only makes things worse. Wait, that's actually a decent lesson. I'll try again: You are now responsible for everyone else's problems, supernatural or mundane, past or present, through no fault of your own, and YOU CANNOT LEAVE. (The Island, that is.)
 * Building a whole series about an Ontological Mystery and then ending the show with no explanation about what it all means is perfectly fine. (Grits teeth)
 * So, this is a preemptive Warp That Aesop, then?
 * Same goes for The Prisoner (though in this case, that was the intended aesop, as the quote at the top of Gainax Ending illustrates).
 * Magnum, P.I. : Lazy good for nothing wastrels get to live in luxury and have all the girls swarm around them. People who have respectable jobs are boring.
 * It's perfectly okay (in fact, downright amusing) to sic your rich boss' vicious guard dogs on another person that your boss trusts with all his life, because you think that this trusted person is of a lower social class than you'd prefer.
 * Misfits: If you are a teenager and you do not have promiscuous sex, drink, and do drugs, then something is wrong with you.
 * Mork and Mindy: That mentally ill "prophet" who talks to invisible people? Completely harmless. He's your friend. Invite him into your home, even if he freaks out your girlfriend.
 * If you end up causing trouble due to the fact that you don't grasp the basic rules of society, you'll be forgiven eventually as long as you're cute, innocent, and have a knack for spontaneous improvisational comedy. (The same applies to The Big Bang Theory.)
 * NCIS Gibbs is always right.
 * Adorable girls that are obsessed with death make the best detectives.
 * All Israeli women are ruthless killing machines.
 * No matter who it looks like the terrorists are, they always turn out to be Israeli agents at the end. So leave those damn terrorists and their constant chants of Death To America alone!
 * Smacking subordinates on the head is hilarious and endearing!
 * It's perfectly acceptable to blackmail a female co-worker with a photo of her winning a wet t-shirt contest in her wild college days.
 * Likewise, if your male co-worker is blackmailing you with a wet t-shirt contest photo from your wild college days, then it's perfectly acceptable to photoshop his face into a gay bondage scene to blackmail him. Don't even bother filing a sexual harassment complaint against him.
 * Search warrants, sexual harassment complaints, IT specialist, consulting other agencies, therapy, sleep, assistants, lawyers, and professional behavior is for WEAKLINGS!
 * NCIS: Los Angeles: There is no such thing as a perfectly honest and good agent from another agency who genuinely wants to help. Nope, they're all either bad guys or they've got grudges against the good guys. (No, seriously, I don't think there's been a single episode where someone from another agency has turned up and they haven't turned out to be either the bad guy or having a grudge.)
 * Power Rangers: SPD: It's bad to discriminate against others for where they come from, but discriminating for them is fine! People who have been bullied all their lives or who have suffered horrible losses are inherently trustworthy, as are freaks and foreigners, but normal natives might turn on you.
 * ''Power Rangers (Myth Arc): Try to prevent a bloody and difficult war and you'll end up killing even more people than the war would have.
 * Alternatively, it doesn't matter how hard you try, how many allies you have, or how well you think you're doing. You're doomed to fail. Might as well give up now, everyone's going to die, whether you try and save them or not. The most you could do is prolong their suffering, anyway.
 * Whatever you weapon is (giant robot, blaster, or your power suit), its strongest movement is self-destruction.
 * Good guys will fight for months, the best they can do is to maintain the Status Quo. On the other hand, the wrath of one monster against another can easily wreck an evil galactic empire in 10 minutes.
 * Power Rangers Samurai: DON'T YOU DARE CRY!
 * If you're a girl, you should feel bad if you get part of the Mecha Expansion Pack over the only guy who didn't. So bad, that you should hand it over to him, even though he's been a total Jerkass about the whole ordeal all day. Because, you know, there's no way a GIRL could ever be good enough for a new mech.
 * The Price Is Right: Okay, some of these Warped Aesops come more from Golden Road.net and the Fan Dumb than the actual show itself, but since there's no article on that site yet, and since they're so close to each other, Sure Why Not:
 * If your name isn't Bob Barker, Janice Pennington, Johnny Olson, Rod Roddy, Mark Goodson, Bill Todman, Marc Breslow, Paul Alter, or Roger Dobkowitz, you'll never succeed.
 * When Mark Goodson, Bob Barker, Roger Dobkowitz, Marc Breslow, Paul Alter, or R. Brian DiPirro make a change to the show, it's always good. But when Syd Vinnedge, Mike Richards, Drew Carey, or Bart Eskander make a change, it's always bad.
 * And on a related side note, on Wheel of Fortune, everything Merv Griffin does is good, and everything Harry Friedman does is bad.
 * Drew Carey's 100% justified poor execution of Terry Kniess's perfect bid on December 16, 2008 and the subsequent introduction of Nintendo Hard setups and new prizes to make it harder for the Fan Dumb to memorize everything makes criminal felony harassment of a previously well-liked staffer perfectly justified.
 * Go ahead and fuck a much-younger model, get sued by that model, and fire everyone who sides with her or that otherwise makes you butthurt. Oh yeah, and while you're at it, go take away a beloved announcer's camera time. As long as you're still a role model on-camera, your fanbase will always forgive you!
 * Queer as Folk: Gay shows mirror typical female-oriented plots and focus on relationships because the only Periphery Demographic such shows ever have is straight women. Straight men wouldn't ever bother.
 * All Gays Are Promiscuous and those who aren't are just caricatures of Smitten Teenage Girls.
 * A show with a Cast Full of Gay can only be a melodrama, a Rom Com or a slice-of-life thing. Gays don't do things other than getting tangled in their relationships. Yes, much like women.
 * There are no Manly Gays. Only the wishful thinking of horny teenage homos.
 * From the BBC's latest version of Robin Hood: If you are a compassionate young woman who wants to help out the outlawed love of your life, a host of suffering peasants and the country that is slowly but surely being run into the ground, then you are not permitted to occasionally flirt with a man involved in the regime in order to gain information that could help aforementioned love, peasants and country. Doing this will make you a manipulative, dirty whore and when the man realizes that you've been playing him and runs you through with his giant phallic symbol sword, it will be entirely your fault. But feel free to look on from heaven whilst your husband starts a relationship with the sister of the man who murdered you.
 * From the same show: if you whine, sulk, bitch, moan, bicker, snipe and get kidnapped enough times, eventually the guy who you've been fangirling for the last eight episodes will grant you the honor of making out with him. Trying to goad him into leaving his other love interest to a violent death is okay too; he'll still consider you "compassionate."
 * Since trying to become a better man or woman always leads to pointless, desultory deaths, just stay evil.
 * Women in abusive relationships cannot be trusted; they clearly deserve what they get and after they're driven mad by all the abuse and betrayal that's been heaped upon them, the only way to deal with them is to blow them up. Oh wait...that is the aesop.
 * Saved by the Bell: Remember kids,there is no hope with dope. But treating nerds like subhuman organisms? Nothing wrong with that.
 * Scrubs: Women are selfish, spoiled harpies who can't stand not getting their way with anything, refusing to see their hypocrisy whenever a man calls them out. This goes double for women from the Dominican Republic.
 * Also, that girl you dated back in '02? Have wacky ex-sex with her a couple times, then lie to yourself and her about your feelings for five years, including several months living alone with her; everything will turn out great!
 * It's ok to constantly emotionally abuse the woman who is pregnant with your child for one stupid thing she did when she was scared and hormonal because she did it first. Your friends will even help!
 * Don't worry if you fail at being a responsible adult; your friends (who secretly can't stand you) will always pity you enough to be there for you. If no one else can be bothered, that is.
 * Verbal abuse is the best teaching method ever.
 * And that bully at work who torments you constantly, breaks into your locker, destroys your personal belongings (including your car) and on one occasion drove you to the desert, stripped you naked and left you for dead? Relax! Don't bother reporting him to the boss--he's just having a little fun with you!
 * Seinfeld: No hugging, no learning. Oh, wait, that is the message.
 * Sex and the City: Femininity is all about a/ being a self-centred emotional wreck; b/ spending gazillions of cash on shoes, clothes and accessories to compensate for the lack of meaning in one's life and hoarding them as the ultimate trophy of your womanhood; c/ never taking responsibility for anything; d/ never being able to have one's life together without a man around to put that life together for you.
 * Sexuality is women's unique form of social power.
 * ... but any sexually active unmarried woman should be ashamed of existing. How could you, you whore!!
 * Fashion and finding a man are all what women should concern themselves with.
 * Marriage is all what women should aim for in life. Therefore, all marriages should be obscenely expensive and fastuous because it's all what a woman can actually achieve.
 * Gay men write women better than straight men and can avoid stereotypes. Oh wait... Scratch that. Gay men pander better to women because most of them are just as shallow and catty as the average woman is supposed to be.
 * Women bond with each other by being bitchy to other women and talking about sex, sex and more sex. Oh, and shopping.
 * White women can't share a close bound with non-white women.
 * Skins: Psychiatrists are useless at best, Ax Crazy Yanderes at worst. So if you have a mental problem, it's far better to just self-medicate with various illegal drugs.
 * Also, it's a great idea for teenagers to plan their entire futures around their current boyfriends/girlfriends.
 * Smallville: Lie to your closest friends about who you are because one of them is bound to be conspiring against you.
 * More broadly, its important to lie to the ones you love all the time about everything because you can't risk them hurting themselves or others with the truth. Because letting the people most deeply involved in your dangerous and violent life not know what's going on is never risky.
 * If you have have a compromising photo of a radio talk show host you disagree with, go ahead and nail him with it! Even if the photo was staged and he was possessed at the time, after all it's not like you or your allies have ever done anything bad while being influenced.
 * Also when you find that an orphanage is training it's children into sado-masochistic fighters the best course of action is tell a little girl to wait for you here in the basement, proceed to get your butt kicked, and then leave and go home. Because even though you have no way of knowing yet, your girlfriend needs rescuing (again).
 * Six Feet Under: Muscular black men are violent by nature.
 * Stargate Atlantis: When faced with an entire species that has no particular grudge against you and simply needs some food to prevent them all from starving, it is perfectly acceptable to refuse and try to wipe them all out.
 * If you ever come across an intelligent race of human-like machines, kill them all. If that requires creating a self-aware model of said AI race, hell, why not give "her" a name right before you use her to commit xenocide?
 * Aliens are bastards. No exceptions.
 * The salvation of the poor, oppressed, dark-skinned natives from their enemies can only be found in the kind-hearted pale-skinned folk from far, far away.
 * For the episode "Brain Storm": Don't steal Rodney McKay's ideas and use them to stop global warming, or else Bill Nye the Science Guy will slap you in the face.
 * Star Trek: The main reason to support space exploration is the chance to make first contact with a Green-Skinned Space Babe.
 * The Federation has moved beyond prejudice, you green-blooded, pointy-eared freak! And tell that backstabbing Klingon savage that goes for him, too.
 * Don't bother creating specialist teams and equipment for ground combat, just use 4 of the ships highest ranking officers! Or 3 and an Ensign.
 * Star Trek: The Next Generation: Some people are just better than everyone else, and should be given free reign.
 * Your second in command doesn't have to be competent if he is handsome.
 * Your second in command doesn't have to be competent or handsome if you tell everyone that he is. Repeatedly.
 * Summary execution is OK. In The Measure Of A Man, Data was declared to have the full rights of a sentient being. This would mean their deactivation of Lore amounted to murder. Granted he was evil, but he didn't exactly get a trial (and the death penalty wasn't applied anywhere else in the Federation... )
 * Putting an android you found in someone's basement, with completely unknown programming, who doesn't think like or understand humans, into a command position in a vital military organization always leads to win.
 * Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: On the frontiers, you can do whatever the hell you want because You Did What You Had To Do, even if you didn't really have to do it.
 * A commander of a strategically important outpost who regularly spirals into strange obsessions and is mentally influenced by alien gods is to be left in command.
 * Genetically engineered people have no rights.
 * If you're a Klingon, or live with one, you can hack anyone to death, beat your spouse, or have drunken brawls in public every night because it's "part of their culture".
 * "Field of Fire": Racial profiling works.
 * If there's a murderer on the loose, don't put the seasoned lawman who's had years of experience solving crimes on the case; instead, send the ditzy, incompetent counselor who is suffering from multiple personality syndrome and who only got her job because her past self was friends with the boss.
 * The best way to defend a critical planetary outpost is with the badly outfitted crew from a starship. When the crew start getting slaughtered by the enemies most elite ground troops, the best way to reinforce them is to send the crew of your most important space station.
 * When any mission requires use of the starship attached to the station, it's okay if the station commander (who is also Emmissary to the Prophets), the 2nd in command Bajoran/Starfleet liason, the chief science officer (who is apparently the 3rd in command), the chief medical officer, the security chief, the strategic operations/fleet liason officer and the chief engineer/senior NCO to all leave the station.
 * If anything goes wrong back on the station, then surely...uh, who's left? Oh yeah, QUARK can save the day!
 * Star Trek Voyager: Despite there being no-one to support the rules, you should follow them even when it makes life worse for everybody.
 * Principles are only for people who are being watched.
 * Whatever principles you do have should be blindly followed even if they're wrong. Don't question the Prime Fucking Directive! (Even if it gets your crew, half of whom don't even follow it, killed.)
 * We're better than these colonialist, imperialist, war-mongering, capitalist, nuke-happy savages we're trotting around the galaxy to look down our noses on. We'll remind everyone of that fact EVERY FUCKING EPISODE.
 * Dating the producer gets your character the most focus and character development. Also, the hottest chick in the cast must wear skintight spandex and six-inch heels all the time no matter how impractical (a lesson carried over to Enterprise)
 * Consistency is for peons. If you're the captain, you can decide whether or not you're going to uphold the Prime Directive that day based on whatever whim takes you, and no one will dare call you on it.
 * Star Trek Enterprise: Commanding a starship will cause even the most likable of people to have outbreaks of jackassery and periodically grab hold of the Idiot Ball.
 * Just imagine what it does to someone like Archer.
 * If a sentient species is being driven to extinction by an easily curable disease, just leave them to their fate. It's just evolution in action.
 * Use drugs! They'll make you more interesting.
 * Having sex with someone you're counseling through the grief of a loved one is perfectly ethical, and will lead to a long-term relationship.
 * The 2009 film: It's OK to manipulate people into being friends if it was important in a now-defunct universe.
 * And fathers exert absolutely no influence by raising children. If you take a great hero, go back to shortly after his birth and kill his father leaving him a half-orphan, he will grow up to be exactly the same hero he was in the original timeline.
 * Supernatural: Familial attachment will involve either unhealthy obsession that subsumes all other emotional connections, or severing all ties. There is no middle ground.
 * Only psychologically unbalanced people ever really care about helping others.
 * The best way to dealing with your crippling psychological problems is to project them onto loved ones, drink copious amounts of alcohol, and flirt with suicide constantly.
 * If you make a stupid bargain, you can get out of it with a new, inventive types of violence --if not, somebody will come rescue you.
 * If that somebody happens to be member of your own sex and acts like s/he is romantically interested in you, and you profess to be straight, there's absolutely nothing wrong with stringing him/her along . You will probably be able to convince them to do virtually anything you ask them to, happily sacrifice their own well-being for yours and happily act as surrogate for any ailing or absent personal relationships you might have. That is, until you can find somebody more suitable or until they can find a way to deal with the terrible restrictions your relationship has placed on them, and escape to their old life. There's nothing manipulative or unhealthy about any of this.
 * Girls and women are boring and whiney. Watching them get involved in relationships ( especially heterosexual relationships) is just gross. And homosexual relationships between men should play out in a ways that mirror the heterosexual relationship dynamic, in ways most likely to turn girls and women on.
 * Gay men are just so adorable, kind of like puppies. Puppies that want to reenact female fantasies ! Except not quite like that, probably something a lot less sick
 * No matter what you do, things will get worse.
 * If a good friend of yours happens to be a member of a different race/species, then it's totally acceptable to continuously insult that race/species in front of him/her, because it's not like s/he's people. And if they happen to get involved in a hazardous and difficult situation (for instance, a civil war) which only involves their race/species, then it's wrong of them not to want to drop everything to come help you. Can't they see that members of your group are more important?
 * Violence is an excellent way to resolve your issues in your interpersonal relationships, particularly if you combine it with alcohol - preferably a liquor store's worth. But if you happen to be in a relationship, the girl ( or surrogate girl) should be the one throwing punches. Otherwise it would just be abusive.
 * Torchwood: If you're not bisexual, there's something wrong with you.
 * Indiscriminate murder should happen every single day. At every given opportunity. Kind of like indiscriminate sex.
 * When horrible things happen to you, don't seek a therapist. Join an elite group of monster hunters. 'Cause no one's more suited to save the world than emotionally damaged people.
 * Ugly Betty: The man of your dreams is out there, but he's not the man you're with right now. Ever. Pining from afar will make for a much more satisfying relationship than any actual coupling ever could.
 * Women in positions of power are all power-hungry bitches with no morals. No exceptions.
 * The Waltons: God hates city folks.
 * Waterloo Road: A week is plenty of time to mourn your murdered adopted daughter. After that you can get back to sexual escapades.
 * Weeds: Drug dealing is a valid and lucrative career choice.
 * If you get need to get ahead in your organization, sleep with the boss.
 * Completing that, only with sex can you get ahead in life when you're a woman.
 * If you're a cute 30-something housewife, everything in the world will bend over backwards for you.
 * If your kid is growing marijuana, be proud of him, as long as it's really good weed.
 * Got a rich relative who is just hanging on too long? Just pull the plug. If that doesn't work, smother her.
 * Being a coyote (smuggler of illegal immigrants) is easy and rewarding in more ways than one.
 * Wait! So far all these are true!
 * No matter what, women can't be trusted to make a good decision on their own, nor can they fend for themselves or teach anything of worth to their children.
 * Whale Wars: Hunting whales is ALWAYS bad, even if you're legally allowed to do so. If you hunt whales, you deserve to have smoke bombs thrown at you and have several members of your crew get injured.
 * Likewise, terrorism is bad...unless it's Eco-Terrorism. After all, everyone knows that environmental problems are not solved through peaceful diplomatic means but rather through violence.
 * Japan is always evil. We should never hear their side of the story because then it would make our one-sided propaganda look bad.
 * They totally deserved that earthquake.
 * The crazy guy who has NO regard for human life is the hero. He's always right even if he's endangering the lives of others. After all, what's the death of a few measly people in exchange for saving a single whale?
 * Considering Paul Watson's time with the Makah, you can be a racist bastard who falsely claims to have been in AIM (among other 70s-era activist groups), lead a whole bunch of groups committing hate crimes that aren't considered hate crimes because everyone knows racism against Indians is dead, and Animal Planet will portray you as a hero. God, pass the beluga sushi.
 * The Wire (specifically, Omar Little): Committing crimes only against other criminals makes you a hero; even the police probably won't care.
 * Wizards of Waverly Place: One wizard per family. I repeat, one wizard per family. Them's the rules, people. No debate; no discussion. Anyone who questions this policy is Obviously Evil and must be stopped by any means necessary. Big Brother Is Your Friend.
 * The best possible girlfriend for you, and the only one who could hope to fully understand and appreciate you, without being a crazy stalker, is your sister.
 * Only losers study. If you're a lazy manipulative Evil, you'll get everything you want.
 * Every Very Special Episode ever: Any addiction, bad habit, or other self-destructive behavior, no matter how dangerous, can be cured in less than a half hour with a hug from your friends or family, or anybody who really cares about you. Nobody ever needs to go through therapy or rehab, or needs to worry about relapse. Once you're cured, you're cured!
 * If someone you love dies as a result of an addiction or reckless behavior, feel really sad about it. For like a day. Then it's back to craaaaazy hijinks!
 * Fox News Channel and many of the right-wing pundits associated with it: Status Quo Is God; liberals are always bad because they always want to change things. So bashing them and even terrorizing a church full of them is okay!
 * Sorry, that's the intended Aesop.
 * If you're going to be different when the majority of your competitors have a strong liberal slant, why bother doing something boring like being balanced, when you can just go with an extreme conservative slant?
 * Every major news outlet besides Fox is liberal, anti-business and communist... despite the fact that they're all owned by huge capitalist corporations.
 * If you see a group of people misbehaving then mirror their behavior to balance things out.
 * Mister Rogers was an evil, evil man. Want proof? He told children they were special. That bastard.
 * Babylon 5: When people, who are much more experienced and well-educated than you are, offer you ways to ensure your rapid intellectual and cultural development, you should yell at them to fuck off and whine that they just want to control your life. It's not immature at all.
 * Remember kids, openly and violently opposing your goverment is called treason and incitement to civil war ''only' if the government is "good". Once you feel it doesn't cater to your arbitary and dupable moral believes anymore, your subversive actions classify as a "rebellion" and are perfectly legitimate. It's just as fine to pronounce some tactic improper (like involving a huge alien fleet in said showdown with your goverment or sending people on suicide missions) but then stoop to it without a second thought when you sorta really need it. Of course you should take care to make the pronouncement as loud and public as possible and reserve the actual authorization of the trick to your inner circle.
 * It's perfectly acceptable to have your ships strafe the headquarters of a world's government just as you offer them the chance to join an inter-governmental organization which will severely limit their sovereign rights.
 * Trying to cooperate with other cultures will bring demonic monsters upon you.
 * Diplomats should personally conduct dangerous missions.
 * All fat people are secretly in league with the dark forces.
 * Being a faithful servant to an idealistic princess makes you do penance for the rest of your life. Being the faithful servant of a Sleazy Politician however, will make you Emperor.
 * Democratic governments are obviously inferior to culturally hidebound, caste-ridden, oligarchies. They prove this by such wicked and foolish policies as setting up an organization for the twofold purpose of protecting their citizen's privacy and encouraging gifted children, by being wary of foreign threats, and avoiding being drawn into conflict, and especially by seeking technological assistance from another nation. By contrast, it is obvious that the only moral and sane policy is to wage a gigantic war of extermination against a foreign culture for the crimes of having a strange appearance, a strange philosophy and the unusual custom of asking others what they want. This political position is in fact so obvious that any disagreement causes it to become morally imperative to make oneself a military dictator with the support of the Gunboat Diplomacy of a foreign power.
 * Peep Show: You will fuck up everything you do. EVERYTHING. Life, job, social interactions, love - EVERYTHING.
 * Your intentionally unemployed, drug addict mate will fuck up everything for a slim chance of getting laid. So you should probably get rid of him.
 * Stay away from people younger or poorer than you, they will inevitably rob you or falsely accuse you of pedophilia.
 * To be a white male is to be constantly Mistaken for Racist, because 90 percent of London believes in Political Correctness Gone Mad. Actual white supremacists are actually really swell guys. Also, most attractive women are uber-sensitive Granola Girls who will inevitably force you into awkward situations before running off to sleep with some other bloke.
 * Boston Legal:
 * It's perfectly acceptable to make a complete mockery of the justice system to prove a point!
 * If the kindly old lady who used to be your neighbor and is now your secretary kills a man, and then goes on a crime spree robbing convenience stores, you should totally ire her to be the sandwich lady!
 * Sexual harassment in the workplace isn't a real issue, and anyone who insists that it is, is just a sex-starved whiny bitch desperate for attention. Slapping the ass of a colleague as she walks by is just a friendly way of asking for a date!
 * Backstabbing in the workplace is the fastest path to promotion!
 * Unless you have Asperger Syndrome, in which case Insane Equals Violent and you need to be cured!
 * Rainbow episode 'Moving House': If your dad wants to move and you don't want to, tell all potential buyers of your home to fuck off and you can stay!
 * Malcolm in the Middle: All women are either manipulative control freaks or one-dimensional love interests who will end up hating you anyway.
 * Too Smart for Strangers: Be afraid of the entire adult world, kids. They're out to get you!
 * Rapists always respect the word "no".
 * If people in animal costumes come over for a visit, they are always trustworthy.
 * It's perfectly alright to leave your elementary-school-aged child unattended. They can take care of themselves, including knowing how to ward of kidnappers and paedophiles.
 * Mom and dad might leave you at home alone for no apparent or explicable reason. However, if you have any problems, call your neighbor. If they are a known sexual deviant, it's still okay. After all, they are living next to you, so that means everything's just fine
 * The X-Files: Say you'll stick by your man no matter what? You better mean it bitch, because in doing so you're gonna lose your family, your career, your social life, your, and your little dog too. No seriously, your dog'll make a nice snack for the Monster of the Week.
 * All felons are middle-age white males, and any exceptions must've been falsely accused.
 * The episode "William": Bad people trying to kill your child? ! Because just getting the hell out your bugged apartment wouldn't make any sense.
 * There's no such thing as Platonic Life Partners--sooner or later it always turns into romance.
 * The mouth of Hell is somewhere near Arkansas.
 * Never, EVER go to the bathroom, or something horrible will kill you. Better to wear adult diapers the rest of your life!
 * Skepticism? Scientific approach? That's for losers!
 * Substitute teachers are actually demons in disguise.
 * CNN: Being balanced means not to challenge either political party's claims, Just stay True Neutral.
 * Golden Mean Fallacy is great reporting.
 * Viewers care about what the people on facebook and twitter think about news stories.
 * 48 Hours Mystery: Don't ever get into a romantic relationship. It'll start out good enough, but they'll eventually turn Axe Crazy and kill you.
 * The Next Food Network Star: If you're an ethnic minority, you must cook the style cuisine that matches your heritage, otherwise you're "not staying true to your roots." White people don't have a discernible heritage, so they get a pass.
 * If you want to be a Food Network star, you have to be capable of doing everything on every show Food Network has, including running a food truck, making food in low time limits Chopped style, and building a restaurant from scratch in a day. But actual skills that would benefit people doing a cooking show? Those aren't important at all!