Everybody Loves Raymond/Funny

"Frank: "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.""
 * When Robert and Ray are arguing over the thousand dollars Ray gifted him to pay for bills (Which Robert used to go to Las Vegas), Robert compares the money to the gift of a chair: "Here, Robert, I gave you this chair. Don't sit like this, sit like this!" It's the voice he uses.
 * Ray strolling into the bedroom in satin underpants, trying to seduce Debra.
 * This scene.
 * Frank singing "I Left My Heart in San Francisco".

"Frank: "I'm talkin' to you on the phone the other day; I can't even understand what the hell you're saying anymore! What did you call me "dog" for?!"
 * Once Robert tries to become "hip".

Robert: "That's a nice thing, Dad! You say it to your friends! That means I like you!"

Frank: "Oh yeah? Well, from now on, I'm callin' you "Jackass"! That means he's great!"

Ray: (enters) "Hey."

Frank: "Hey, "Ugly"!"

Ray: "W-what's that all about?"

Frank: "That's "Robert-Talk". That means you're good looking! (looks at Marie) Hey, good looking!""

"Marie: "Frank and I... succumbed to temptation once. Just once before we were married! I-I was weak... and I fell for your father's boyish good looks... that was a long time ago. I knew we shouldn't have done what we did! But we were in love. Right, Frank?"
 * In "Good Girls", after Ray, Debra, and Robert find out that Marie wasn't such a "good girl".

Frank: I wanted sex."

"Debra: "So it was just the once and then you got married?"
 * And the scene continues to deliver:

Frank: "It was just the once and then we HAD to get married."

Marie: "FRANK!"

Ray: "Woah, woah, had to get married? Wait, so Robert's..."

Robert: "What?"

[beat]

Robert: "...Oh.""

"Debra: "Come on, Ray, this was YOUR idea [to have Robert's session be more fun]."
 * From "Traffic School", we have Robert's presentation with the dummy, "Timmy".

Ray: "...Did anybody hear me say "puppet?""

"Marie: "That's it!"
 * "Timmy" asks Marie to give the instructions on how to properly back out. After doing so:

"Timmy": "Ohhh, that's it. (Turns to Robert) She thinks that's it."

Robert: "Isn't that everything, Timmy?"

"Timmy": 'Oh, sure, that's everything. But how about making sure your first-born child is in the car before pulling out of a gas station in NEW MEXICO?!"

Ray: "....That's awfully specific.""

"Marie: "Robbie, that was an accident!"
 * followed immediately by:

"Timmy": "Remember? A great family vacation, going to see the Grand Canyon. Frank stops for gas and you all leave when Robert's still in the men's room?"

Frank: "How would you know? You weren't there!"

Ray: "We got a real battle of wits going on here.""

"Frank: "Not so funny without his head, is he?!"
 * Robert sees Timmy missing his head.

Robert: "Come on, Dad! What'd you do with his head; I need that!"

(Marie opens freezer, sees Timmy's head, screams)

Frank: (Evil Laugh)"

"Ray: "Remember when Mom used to follow me to school?"
 * Raymond comes to comfort Robert and tell him it's not so great being smothered.

Robert: "Oh, yeah. She used to hide from tree to tree."

Ray: "Wait... so... THAT'S THE CRAZY TREE LADY FROM THE DREAM! I just had one four nights ago! So... the jumping canoe guy is..."

Robert: "Dad!""

"Ray: "Is there anything in here [the bedroom] I should know about?!"
 * Ray wonders just what presents Debra's past boyfriends had given her over the years.

Debra: "...The picture frame."

Ray: "....THAT'S AROUND A PICTURE OF OUR CHILDREN! (Beat) Waaaaaaaaaait..."

Debra: "They're our kids, Ray!""

""Debra's Ears
 * Another such present was a poem entitled "Debra's Eyes". When, the next morning, Ray takes it upon himself to get some "new, better things" (i.e. replacements for all of the gifts), he also takes his own stab at romantic poetry:

One on each side, like a dainty cup

So gently they hold thine sunglasses up.

So round and nice, with a subtle ridge

There's no bone in there, it's cartilage.""

""The fly that was flying around, Angela killed it, it fell on the table, she put it in a napkin, and then she AAATE IIIT!!""
 * Ray just witnesses Robert's new girlfriend do something very disturbing after dinner at their house and tells Robert and Debra in the kitchen:

""I'm sorry Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus.""
 * Pat McDougall, on she and Hank kicking Peter out and turning his room into a prayer and Bible study room:

"Ray: You don't sneeze! You try to stop it! You keep going, "Ah-hah-haaaah-NYIT! Ah-NYIT!"
 * Ray and Debra are in Debra's redecorated bathroom complaining about each other's annoying habits, right down to the way either one sneezes.

Debra: So I should just go ahead and spray everything like you! You sneeze like it's a big Broadway musical finale! "Aaah-choo! Aaah-choo! Ah-CHOOOOOOOO! Good night, everybody! Enjoy my mucus!""

"Ray: "Oh, well, now I'm a widow! I guess I have to raise three kids on my own. On the other hand, I guess I could start dating again. I need a new pair of shoes. Hey, you know who's cute? Gianni!"
 * And in the series finale, Ray imagines Debra's thoughts if he had passed away while in the operating room.

Marie: (appalled) Debra!"

"Frank: "Anyone who can make braciole like this deserves a whole hillside full of heavenly-scented marigolds and daffodils.""
 * In the aptly-titled episode "Debra Makes Something Good", Frank "cheating" on Marie with Debra, even coming to the house with flowers for her.

"Robert: "That is so whack!"
 * When Judy and her friends begin to get uncomfortable with Robert hanging around them because he's acting too "ethnic" (hint - Judy is black), she volunteers Ray to explain the situation to him. His response to Robert's dismay is pure gold.

Ray: "That, right there. We're Italian, Robert. "Whack" means something different to us.""

"Ray: "She bet the kids that I would do stupid stuff!"
 * Ray finds his parents returned his Christmas gift, a toaster engraved with a message from his whole family, without opening it. After telling them what it said, Frank, who's not yet fully awake, replies, "It spoke?"
 * Ray and Debra have an argument at his parents' home about Debra cracking jokes with the kids about Ray's behavior.

Robert: "Are the betting windows still open?""

"Frank: "Can't you ever just be quiet?!"

Marie: "Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!"

[beat, Frank looks at Marie incredulously]

Frank: "You're a trophy wife? ... ... ...What contest in Hell did I win?""

""Kill is going to Debra you!""
 * Many moments from the episode where Debra's divorced father arrives at Thanksgiving with his new girlfriend, who turns out to be a lot older than him. Most of them from Frank, including this line:

"Marie: Oh yes, keep laughing. But one of these days, you're going to turn around, and I won't be here anymore.
 * This exchange between Ray, Robert, and Marie.

Ray spins around

Ray: Not today!

Robert: HA!"

"Marie: He's like an animal, marking his territory! [Frank pokes her with the fork] Ow!
 * Frank is poking his used fork into food after Marie tells him that no one else can eat it if he does that.

Frank: What? That's a compliment!

Ray: God, I wish this was the wrong house."

"Marie: Beat...Oh my God, I'm a lesbian."
 * One of the shows classic moments, after Marie finally realizes a sculpture she made resembles a certain part of the female anatomy.