Real Life/Funny

"03:54:43  eartch magnet stuck to 5 piercings on your left ear...
 * Everything on failblog.
 * Two nuclear submarines carrying nuclear missiles hiding at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, one British one French, collide underwater (no crew casualties).Also qualifies as a Crowning Moment of Incredibly Bad Luck.
 * That could be the start of a Monty Python sketch.
 * No bad luck there, really. Submarines are, by design, supposed to go through the water undetected. These two worked perfectly!
 * The existence of the PopeMobile. It actually translates to Popemobile.
 * This Livejournal post. WoW meets Lord of the Rings.
 * In a moment that can only be described as "hilarious," Misha Collins reportedly snuck in to the Jared and Jensen panel (of Supernatural fame) All Hell Breaks Loose con and asked them if it was "weird playing brothers on the show since they were lovers in real life." Fandom exploded.
 * Brian Regan's riff on the whole air travel experience here
 * George Takei and his response to a homophobic basketball player's public statement. "As a gay man and a human being, I was shocked and saddened. But I want you to know, Tim. On behalf of gay people everywhere, that despite your ugly words, we don't hate you. As a matter of fact, we like you. We like you very much." *porn music starts playing* Just watch it. Someone on the Internet calls this announcement "setting phasers to PWN," and it's not hard to see why. (It turned Awesome and Heartwarming a few years later, as the player in question has rethought and has spoken in favor of gay rights and in support of politicians who do.)
 * Takei did it again to a school administrator who posted on line that gay kids "should all get AIDS and die". Takei's response? Mr. McCance, you are... a douchebag", followed by a countdown to when McCance would be revealed to be gay himself (alluding to numerous anti-gay bigots who have been outed, like Ted Haggard) Doubles as an Awesome Moment.
 * Takei's speech about the "Don't Say Gay" law being passed in Tennessee. Remember kids, it's okay to be Takei.
 * Switzerland accidentally invading Liechtenstein in 2007. Considering that both countries are neutral, and Switzerland has in the past aggressively defended its neutrality, this becomes all the more funny.
 * It's even funnier/cuter if you're a Axis Powers Hetalia fan.
 * Better still is when the British Marines 'misplaced' Gibraltar and wound up invading Spain and scaring several fishermen. The real kicker is that Gibraltar is a 1,400 foot tall rock. One can't help but wonder why they actually landed when it should have been obvious they were in the wrong place.
 * The Wicked Bible. Best. Typo. Ever. For the record, its.
 * errors in bible printing weren't that uncommon back in the day another mistake is "The Fools Bible": where it states that ""the fool hath said in his heart there is a God" more examples in the link and the Bugger Alle Bible is mentioned in the fictional errors section.
 * Quick, to the POPE-MOBILE!
 * Barack Obama re: Kanye West: "He's a jackass."
 * As an image macro of the above once said, "At last, a position from Obama that both liberals and conservatives can agree on."
 * The look on Obama's face when he realizes that he, the president, just cursed in a room full of cameras is priceless.
 * Joss Whedon's offer to buy the Terminator franchise for $10,000, and his proposal for what directions to take the franchise. Seen here.
 * This is itself a reference to a similar "offer" by Lorne Michaels to give the Beatles $10,000 to reunite on SNL. The best part? It nearly worked, as the show is live and Paul was visiting John in New York at the time. The two saw the bit, nearly went, but decided against it at the last minute.
 * A sketch several years later when Paul was musical guest had him trying to collect 1/4 of the money from Lorne.
 * The Boston Molasses Disaster. A 2-million-gallon molasses tank burst and flooded Boston, killing 21 people. Yes, it's a tragedy, but it is kind of funny.
 * For those unfamiliar with English idioms, there's an old saying used to mock people - "You're slow as molasses in January". So the Irony of that event negates the tragedy of it.
 * This comment thread goes meta.
 * 800$ BOOM: An In the Groove tournament finalist forgets to lift his feet off the arrows to avoid the point- and life-reducing mines at the end of the song, costing him a big first-place cash prize. Hilarity Ensues.
 * From some of our next-door neighbours on EsperNet:

03:54:44  SUCKS

03:54:48  Owwww

03:54:51 * Mook1 pokes back all growly

03:54:55  D:

03:55:01 * Mook2 sniffles, runs off crying

03:55:04  Mook1 you okay? ._.

03:55:09  slide... OWOWOW...SLIDE..HOLYFUCKIM STUPID...SLIDE..OWOWOWOW

03:55:18  removal of earth magnet

03:55:25 * Mook1 frowns and follows Mook2

03:55:33  Dude where did you get an earth magnet!?

03:55:43  used them at work ...

03:55:43  You can buy them. o.o

03:55:44  I'll guess hard drive

03:55:50  small magnets... but totally powerful

03:55:53  oh..

03:56:02  had one in my hand, when i was gesturing..

03:56:07  next minute is CLINK

(everybody laughs)"

"Ronald Reagan: (during live soundcheck) My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
 * Canadian Brian O'Dea began smuggling marijuana and cocaine to the United States, Great Britain and Canada, and by the 1980s had skillfully built his "business" into a multimillion-dollar operation, becoming a very rich man in the process. Unfortunately, by the end of the decade he was addicted to drugs and was finally captured by the Drug Enforcement Administration and convicted. While in prison, he cleaned himself up and became a legitimate businessman after being paroled. The Crowning Moment comes when, in an effort to find work, he took a series of ads in The National Post advertising his services as a business manager and executive, openly admitting his criminal past as a drug dealer and claiming that his success in building his dope-smuggling ring as proof of his management skills. What makes this even more hilarious is that he got almost 600 job offers in response.
 * William Shatner's speech at the closing ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.
 * Really that entire closing ceremony was a cavalcade of hilarious self parody.
 * Gen. Canrobert puzzled by the tactical style (or lack thereof) British troops demonstrated in the Crimean campaign, finally having the Eureka Moment: "They fight as Queen Victoria dances!"
 * While traveling to Belfast for a promotional screening, Matt Smith (a.k.a. the Eleventh Doctor) was stopped by security at Heathrow Airport after a scanner revealed a "potential weapon" in his luggage. The "weapon" in question? His sonic screwdriver. The joke really writes itself.
 * Back twenty years ago, "Toughman" competitions were a popular crowd draw for a bar. People voluntarily (to the extent "voluntary" and "drunk" can coincide) sign up to box three one-minute rounds, winners get a cut of the take. Contestants tend to be long on liquid courage, short on technique, and the crowd can be harsh if the fight lacks drama. One such fight had the two guys completely gassed halfway through the second round, they could hardly raise a glove, much less make a punch. The crowd let its wrath be heard, but one leather-lunged fella made his point clearly above the din: "Hit him with your purse, you pussy!"
 * Despite the panic it probably caused, this quote is outrageously funny.

"On the day of the canceled Westboro Baptist Church picket, there is still extra security around the school
 * The entire Russian military went on full alert for half an hour.
 * After Gordon Brown was caught on microphone calling a woman "bigoted" in his car during the 2010 British general election campaign, Labour's senior leadership try to relaunch their campaign by unveiling a poster. During an outdoor speech by Lord Mandelson in front of one of the new posters, a car crashed into a bus shelter nearby.
 * Even better was the driver's sketch of the incident on his insurance claims form - as well as including a sketch of his car crashed into a phone box (rather than a bus shelter) and a passing refuse lorry (which he alleged had bumped him into the shelter), he included a drawing of a crowd of frowning stick people, one bearing the label "PM" (Prime Minister), standing in front of posters saying "Labour are not rubbish". Snappier than the slogan they actually had, and conveying the same message!
 * British actress Joanna Lumley - of The New Avengers and Absolutely Fabulous - has long been a supporter of the rights of Britain's Nepalese Gurkha soldiers to settle in Britain and receive the same benefits as British-born servicemen. After being dicked around by the government for several years, and accused of being a shill for the opposition, she held a BBC press conference to set out her case in May 2009; the government attempted to overshadow this by holding their own press conference at the same time with Immigration Minister Phil Woolas. By coincidence Lumley and Woolas bumped into each other on the way to the studio, and in full view of the press cameras the formidable Lumley proceeded to intimidate a flustered Woolas into granting all the concessions she had demanded, live on TV. Photographs memorably showed the MP visibly flinching from Lumley's withering Death Glare.
 * Jimmy Carter attacked by giant swimming rabbit. The younger folks in the audience probably think this is a joke.
 * Richard Nixon was once driving along, and while stopped at a red light was flipped off by a teenage protester. Nixon proceeded to flip the kid off right back, then turned to his aide and said, "Now that kid will get to tell his grandchildren that he was flipped off by the President of the United States!"
 * In the '80s, a Welsh farmer got so annoyed with Royal Air Force transport planes flying low over his property that he painted "Piss Off Biggles" in giant letters on the roof of his barn. Upon which the RAF began using the barn as a navigational landmark, though apparently they did respect his wishes and flew higher.
 * Many animals will puff out their fur in an attempt to look larger and more intimidating. This includes guinea pigs. Guinea pigs.
 * Humans actually still have the capability to puff out their fur, despite most people not having enough fur to pop out. We call them "goose bumps".
 * The fact that it is entirely conceivable that the English town of Berwick-upon-Tweed, due to constantly changing hands, could still be at war with Russia.
 * This video from a dance contest at a Star Wars convention. Darth Vader and a few Storm Troopers dancing to U Can't Touch This. Equal parts funny and awesome.
 * That was neither a convention or a contest. That was Star Wars Weekend at Disney's Hollywood Studios. It was a daily show at the event, which also included autograph signings from various Star Wars actors and creators. So yes, that's Disney making Darth Vader dance.
 * Same show, different year: Darth Thriller. They tend to go all out with the Vader dances.
 * When Dave Barry did the Bad Song Survey, one of the people who wrote in (named Lee Jones) told the following story: "During high school, I played electric bass in the school jazz band. The night of the final spring concert, we were performing one of our band director's favorites, MacArthur Park -- a song well established in the Pretentious Trash Hall of Fame. We got to the very end of the song, the band plays 'BOM! BOM! BOM!'; the band director pauses to give the signal for the last crashing chord...George Roth, a senior trombonist, stands up (in the front row), slaps his forehead, and says, 'Oh, Jesus! The CAKE!'"
 * The Westboro Baptist Church is a group of deranged bigots. The San Diego Comic-Con is the Shangri-La of nerds. When the former protests the latter, it's war... with signs. It's both a CMoF (for the signs and the chant of "What do we want? GAY SEX! When do we want it? NOW) and a Crowning Moment of Awesome for being able to embarrass the bigots enough to make them slink away.
 * Quote from when the WBC fail to show up:

Student: Shame, isn't it? All this preparation and nobody shows up.

Security Officer: Just as well, if it starts raining they might have melted."

"Pilot: Holy sh[censored].
 * WBC vs. Anonymous. Just watch. It's hilarious. WBC had no clue who they were messing with.
 * The best moment is when the representative from Anonymous tells Shirley Phelps-Roaper of the WBC that he's "committed over 9000 sins". She's shocked that he keeps a tally of his sins. The interviewer looks at the camera, visibly trying not to laugh.
 * Cats + Laser pointers + Linoleum floors = EPIC LULZ. Especially if you play so long they end up dizzy.
 * It works with most dogs too. And Toddlers.
 * This is actual test footage of the F-22 Raptor. They're testing its ability to come out of a stall - a situation where the aircraft has absolutely no thrusting power and is essentially falling of its own accord - so it's easy to imagine how scared the pilot is. However, the short conversation at the end (or in this case halfway through the video) is just priceless.

Control tower: Copy that."

""Donald Trump recently said that he has a great relationship with "the blacks", although unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I bet he's mistaken.""
 * A rather morbid CMoF: the Islamic Republic of Iran re-named Winston Churchill Boulevard in Tehran to Bobby Sands Street after the latter died in his hunger strike against the British. The funny part? This street happened to be where the British Embassy was located. The embassy was forced to move their entrance to another part of the building to avoid having their most famous political dissident's name in the address on their official embassy letterhead. Yes, the Khomeini government may have been rigid Islamic fundamentalists, but apparently they were also capable of being total wiseasses when the occasion called for it.
 * This wedding ceremony, which looks and sounds as if it was created by tropers.
 * Stalin allegedly found "Kilroy was here" graffiti in a VIP bathroom, prompting him to ask his aides who this "Kilroy" was.
 * Having undergone criticism from Donald Trump (among other "birthers") for not being born in the United States, (despite the fact that U.S citizenship is kind of a REQUIREMENT to run for president in the first place), Barack Obama revealed his "birth video" at the 2011 White House Correspondents' Dinner. Let's just say it was like witnessing the great Circle of Life. Doubles as an Awesome Moment for Obama !
 * Made even funnier by the fact that Obama kept a straight face the entire time.
 * The intro takes the biscuit, though. Gloriously OTT Eagle Land montage with Hulk Hogan's intro song blasting away? Epic on toast.
 * And all that was just the warm-up to Obama and Seth Meyers verbally destroying Donald Trump, both with grins on their faces the whole time.

""Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis!""
 * Then the next day Obama preempts Trumps show to announce Bin Laden's Death. Less than a week later Trump announces he won't run for president.
 * And then there was this year's delicious shade-throwing festival. The Romney joke with the dog and the jet must be seen.
 * Two churches arguing and debating ideologies back and forth in the most passive-aggressive form imaginable--the bulletin boards outside of their churches.
 * In what can only be descibed as both a Crowning Moment of Trolling, MI-6 hacked into an al-Qaeda website and replaced bomb-making instructions with Ellen Degeneres' cupcake recipe.
 * Ricky Gervais hosting the 2011 Golden Globe Awards, but especially this one:

"Dance Commander: can Kirk be blocked for taking life to seriously? Or at least have the link to his website removed? Link his comments, the website is bitter and a real buzz kill
 * While some saw it as a hilarious snarkfest, others considered Gervais' comments as needlessly mean spirited, and above all, simply blunt and insulting rather than actually funny at all.
 * Shaun Micallef accepting a Silver Logie for Most Popular Presenter by reading Lawrence Olivier's 1979 Lifetime Achievement Academy Award speech.
 * Mike Huckabee walks onto an airplane. A bunch of people say things to him like, "I'm sorry, Governor," and "I voted for you for President." Then, this one clueless guy says, "I know who you are--you're Mitt Romney."
 * A tweet from a New Zealander in response to Harold Camping's failed rapture prediction in May of 2011: "No rapture here. Just as well. Another delay into the filming of The Hobbit would have been terrible."
 * During a Texas-Oklahoma football game in the late 70's President Gerald Ford was walking down the tunnel with Oklahoma coach Barry Switzer and Texas coach Darrell Royal at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. A drunk Oklahoma fan looks down the tunnel and yells "Hey, who are those two guys with Switzer?"
 * A Dramatic Reading of a Real Breakup Letter from a Real Person
 * Anytime a promenint Politician or someone running for public office "gaffes" it's this. They are sometimes either Dude, Not Funny or riddled with Unfortunate Implications, so your mileage may vary.
 * Just look up anything from Jack Thompson's career as a lawyer while remembering he was taking this stuff very seriously. My personal pick is when he sent out photocopies to his legal opponents of his driver's license where he pasted Batman's face over his own.
 * Barbara Walter's reaction to Hermann Cain, who, during her interview with him, said that if he were offered a cabinet position, he'd like Department of Defense.
 * Hurricane Bawbag hitting Scotland, and the name hitting the net.
 * A lot of the comments for The Editing Room's abridged scripts.

Rod Hilton: I'm going to leave his fanfic link. I think the fact that he's written well over 45,000 words of fan fiction for The Princess and the Frog serves to provide a great deal of understanding of why he hated this script so much. In fact, his apparent obsession makes his lengthy criticism of Craig even easier to dismiss as fanboyism. Besides, it's fan fiction, which is literally the only form of fiction writing less legitimate than abridged scripts (novels > plays > short stories > poems > screenplays > musicals > songs > parodies > abridged scripts > fanfic. It's a fact)."

"Yayy, I finally found a new website to read when I'm bored (or in the toilet).
 * And some of the comments for the Hunger Games abridged script on Cracked:

I'm never bored while on the toilet. Eh, eh? (Pooping is fun!)

We have an anally fixated individual here!"

"Where's the funny?

all up in and around your bum"

"I thought the same thing when the little sister gave her back the pin. I would've set it on fire and buried it ten feet underground. That s**t is cursed."

"I kept having nightmares about little angels pooping on my grill. I would come out back and open it up and there it would be, angel crap every freakin where. So then the tremors started...and the night sweats...then the hot flashes. Mainly had the hot flashes when little demons started giving me tips as to where these pesky angels were hiding. Long story short I ended up grilling the angels in their own crap and eating just their heads. Last few times I woke up with and of course I pooped the bed but what are u gonna do its 2012 who cares."
 * This Yahoo! Answers answer to the question "What is your worst nightmare?"

"Popcorn became famous in movie theaters when fat people started to become addicted to the drugs they put in it. The drugs are microscopic and have no taste or smell, so most people don't even know they are there. The drugs are more effective on fat people because of the juices in their stomachs. But very rarely the drugs can kill healthy people instantly. Source(s): True rights only love living"
 * And this:

"Less demand means that it is less economically viable to produce meat. Farmers go broke, farm disappear, it's nor much but a start. Of course the fire bombings and vandalism help to drive our message home, so we will win eventually."
 * And this:


 * Quite a few laws in many nations, many of these are based on legitimate concerns that are long outdated. For instance, the one in New York City where it is illegal for you to wash your donkey in a bath. But then there are others that make zero sense no matter what time they were written in, such as the law in Ohio forbidding it's citizens from fishing for whales...but only on sunday, the rest of the week you are in the clear. Or the laws regarding intoxicated fish.
 * Real Madrid wins the Spanish Cup...Then runs over it with a bus. Poor Sergio.
 * Doesn't end there. Sergio Ramos will never EVER get rid of this little stain...
 * Many of the CIA's plots against Fidel Castro in the 1960's and early '70's were truly hilarious and bizarre and read like material from a Saturday Night Live or Monty Python sketch. Several of these were not even assassination plots but attempts to merely humiliate Castro in the hopes that the Cuban people would no longer take him seriously and would then throw him out of power on their own(and presumably clear a path for a puppet dictator that the US could install). One such plot would have involved spraying the air ducts of the radio station where Castro made his weekly radio broadcasts with a hallucinogenic drug that would have caused him to have an acid trip and make a fool of himself on the air. Another plot--which is actually alluded to in the Oliver Stone film JFK--was a scheme to have a CIA operative, disguised as a shoe shiner, "clean" Castro's boots with a hair removal agent that, once Castro put the boots back on, would have caused his beard to fall out, hopefully destroying his macho image and charisma that way. Yet another plan, which actually involved taking Casttro's life, was to disguise a bomb as a conch shell in a bay where Castro was known to go scuba-diving. However, for one reason or another, none of these plots ever came to fruition, obviously.
 * Similarly, some of the plots to assassinate/discredit Adolf Hitler were also pretty bonkers. One involved flying an airplane over Hitler's private retreat/bunker and dropping bombs loaded with various poisonous snakes to either kill Hitler or scare the crap out of him on a daily basis. Another involved trying to spike Hitler's food with estrogen to feminize him.
 * What happens when you do not pay much attention to what your enemies do: during World War I, both the British Royal Navy and the German Kaiserliche Marine were using auxiliary cruisers (merchant ships armored and given guns to protect themselves from enemy commerce raiders. The ships would also be "hidden" with fake markings, smokestacks and others that might, from afar, make those ships look like those of the enemy. In the 1914 Battle of Trindade, the German SMS Cap Trafalgar faced the British RMS Carmania, and both of them were disguised. The fun part was that Cap Trafalgar was disguised as the Carmania, while the Carmania was disguised as the Cap Trafalgar. Hilarity (and British victory) ensued.