Roseanne/Funny

"Roseanne: Oh, poor Dan. He has to sit here with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.
 * In the episode "Be My Baby", Roseanne is complaining about trying to get pregnant...

Dan: Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up."

"Darlene: (posing as Roseanne thinking the phone call is from the school) Yes this is Mrs. Connor. No he hasn't been able to make it he has been very sick.
 * In the episode "Party Politics", D.J. starts skipping school, Darlene finds out, and to spite Roseanne who previously tried to get her and David back together doesn't tell her mother and helps D.J. by pretending to be her when the school calls. Roseanne becomes more and more annoyed as her attempts to get information out of D.J., Darlene and even David fail only to thwart the kids' plan in the final two minutes of the episode...


 * Cut to Fred handing the phone over to Roseanne.*

Roseanne: Don't mess with the master Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble I'm going to make you wish I was never born. Oh! And by the way, I know you and David made up too.

Darlene: How did you figure that out?

Roseanne:You just told me! *hangs up phone*"

"Jackie: What kind of obscene reading material did DJ have?
 * In "Crime and Punishment":

Roseanne: Well, either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report."

"Darlene: Well, well, well...
 * In the episode "War and Peace", Dan is arrested for beating the crap out of Jackie's abusive boyfriend, Fisher. Roseanne goes to the hospital with Jackie and sends Darlene to bail out her father. It goes about as well for Dan as you'd expect.

Dan: Oh... man

Darlene: My, my, my, my, my

Dan: What are you doing here?

Darlene: You know I bet when you imagined us in this situation you always pictured your self on the other side of those bars.

Dan: Where's your mom?

Darlene: Organizing the candlelight vigil.

Dan: Come on, Darlene, I don't have time for this!

Darlene: Oh, I think﻿ you do.

Darlene: She took aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor so I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.

Dan: Give me the money.

Darlene: Alright, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.

Dan: Now!

Darlene: Prison's hardened you.

Dan: Now get in there and tell Ray to let me out of here.

Darlene: OK. By the way, I think it was a really cool thing you did.

Dan: Thanks.

Darlene: I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house...


 * short Beat*

Darlene: Mom says we have a new daddy now."

"Darlene: Well, I think grandma just outed herself!"
 * In the last Thanksgiving episode, Bev goes on a huge anti-man tirade and accidentally reveals that she is a lesbian. Cue hilarious reactions from everyone at the dinner table and Darlene calmly snarks:

"Roseanne: All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy. You frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
 * This line becomes even funnier when you think about Sarah Gilbert's recent coming out as a lesbian.
 * The trick Darlene, David, Becky, and Mark play on D.J. to make him think he's going insane.
 * The episode "Home Ec", in which Roseanne is a guest speaker in Darlene's Home Economics class (much to her daughter's embarrassment), and takes the kids on a field trip to the supermarket to show them how one shops on a limited budget for a family of five, and explains the whole thing in a way that only Rosie can. The cornflake meatloaf (made with ground beef that was 50% fat) may seem disgusting, but many families on similarly limited budgets will be quite familiar with the concept.
 * The episode where David gets a job at an amusement park joins a cult. First, there's when Roseanne tells him why she's taking him away: "Five words, David -- you're dressed like a rabbit." Then there's the "deprogramming" scene:

David: I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening...

Roseanne: Listen to me, David! We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise!

David: Oh no, no, no, no!

Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that David? 'Cause I am an expert on what is mediocre. [David starts breathing heavily through his teeth] That's good! You hate me now, don't you David? You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?

David: No, no, no I don't! You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!

Roseanne [slaps him]: Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! Rabbits and geese and goats are not people! They don't sing and dance! They're food!!"

"DJ: [with [fake] blood pouring out of his mouth] There's glass in the salad!
 * The whole episode is a glorious Take That to ABC/Disney, after the network previously forced the producers to make what amounted to an infomercial for Disneyland.
 * The episode when a competing diner opens across the street from The Lunch Box, and Roseanne plots ways to sabotage it.

Roseanne: Now don't waste all those capsules or you'll have to bite real glass."

"Roseanne: HOW could you tell Nancy that you were abducted by space aliens?! There's NOT EVEN A TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM FOR THAT!!!"
 * Roseanne and Jackie chasing down a sexist trucker
 * And then promptly causing him to get in an accident.
 * When Dan gets arrested for beating up Fisher, he agrees to go along quietly. But as he leaves, he says, "I'll drive."
 * Roseanne letting loose on Arnold after he returns from abandoning Nancy and claiming he was abducted by aliens.

"Roseanne: Oh great. Here comes another Emmy."
 * "Sherwood Schwartz: A Loving Tribute" features an extended fantasy sequence parodying Gilligan's Island. Jackie is Gilligan, Dan is the Skipper, Mark is the Professor, Darlene is Mary Ann, Leon and Bev are the Howells, and Roseanne is Ginger. And for some reason, David is there... and can't seem to find the basement. The end credits feature the surviving Gilligan cast playing the Roseanne characters in response... and David still wondering what's going on.
 * As Gilligan!Jackie runs by screaming and covered in lobsters:

"Darlene: [David] thinks he's having pregnancy pains. Tell him that that's not possible.
 * In "What a Day for a Dayream":

Roseanne: Well, I don't know, Darlene. When my water broke, your father wet his pants."